Latest / You Didn't Ask For This / The Best of Episodes 21-30

Transcript

The Best of Episodes 21-30 · You Didn't Ask For This

• 0:00
  Matt: Hello everyone and happy new year.
• 0:02
  Matt: Welcome to 2022.
• 0:05
  Matt: Hope you all had a wonderful and omicron-free holiday and are ready to start the new year all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
• 0:15
  Matt: But Eric and I weren't, so we took a little bit of a break this week, but don't you worry, we will be back with a new episode, episode 32, in just two weeks' time.
• 0:25
  Matt: But today, oh, don't worry, we still got some quality content for you today.
• 0:30
  Matt: In fact, it's top-tier quality.
• 0:33
  Matt: The very best bits.
• 0:34
  Matt: That's right, it's the best of episodes 21 through 30.
• 0:40
  Matt: So sit back and relax.
• 0:43
  Matt: Pull up a chair.
• 0:44
  Matt: Unless you're driving, of course, in which case I know it takes a long time to adjust those driver's seat settings, so don't just blindly listen to a voice on the fake radio.
• 0:54
  Matt: I don't know what this tangent is supposed to be.
• 0:57
  Matt: Anyway, this is the best of.
• 0:59
  Matt: Please enjoy it.
• 1:00
  Matt: See you in two weeks.
• 1:01
  Matt: Roll that beautiful bean footage.
• 1:04
  Matt: And by that I mean the theme music.
• 1:27
  Matt: Yeah, so you think we're just gonna revert back to how does one sow a field.
• 1:34
  unknown: Yeah.
• 1:35
  Matt: Do you even sow a field?
• 1:36
  Matt: Did I use those words right?
• 1:38
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, you sow, you so or you sow the crops.
• 1:40
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 1:41
  Matt: That's planting seeds.
• 1:42
  Matt: Yeah, yeah.
• 1:43
  Matt: See, I'm agricultural.
• 1:45
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:45
  Matt: Yeah, Doug.
• 1:46
  Matt: I could teach you how to garden.
• 1:47
  Matt: I basically farm.
• 1:49
  Matt: I hear we're real big apart among the farming population.
• 1:53
  Eric: Yes.
• 1:53
  Matt: So we're we're huge.
• 1:55
  Matt: All our farming listeners right now are driving their tractors straight through the corn in rage.
• 2:02
  Matt: They're almanacs flying.
• 2:07
  Matt: They're almanacs flying.
• 2:10
  Matt: Yes.
• 2:11
  Matt: Man, oh man, what will checkout lines be without the farmer's almanac hangs?
• 2:16
  Matt: Dude, it's my favorite thing to serve.
• 2:17
  Eric: It's so aesthetically pleasing.
• 2:19
  Eric: Do you get it every year?
• 2:20
  Eric: Fuck no.
• 2:21
  Eric: I like looking at it and lying.
• 2:23
  Eric: Why would I get it each year?
• 2:24
  Eric: If I ever want to read it, I can go to fucking Food Lion and pop it open to whatever section I want.
• 2:30
  Eric: Who's gonna stop me?
• 2:32
  Matt: Oh god damn, that was funny.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Only other time, like so there are lots of moments like that, right?
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Where it's like, but but a lot of it's with like high theory, right?
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like we you study a lot of theory that like makes you think differently about the world.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's a whole set of theory.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there's like a whole set of theories about like words can be performative utterances.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like there are certain words in the human language that are performative, like ta-da.
• 3:03
  Eric: Well, like the words at performative mockery of Lindsay's field in two syllables.
• 3:12
  Eric: Ta-da.
• 3:13
  Eric: That's the title of her dissertation, actually.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, actually, that's it.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Ta-da, I'm done.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's the title.
• 3:18
  Eric: Through the power of cinema, we are in Buckingham Palace.
• 3:23
  Eric: Yes.
• 3:24
  Eric: I'm a queen's now.
• 3:25
  Matt: All we gotta do is get those pooches.
• 3:27
  Eric: Matt, Matt is is not being beaten to death with batons.
• 3:30
  Eric: He is in handcuffs, being led still by the queen, who is Megan.
• 3:36
  Matt: By you, by you, and I guess also the queen.
• 3:39
  Eric: Yes.
• 3:39
  Eric: I will I will convince the rest of the guards, like, oh, don't worry, lads.
• 3:44
  Eric: I got it for me.
• 3:46
  Eric: And we fucking it'll be great.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_06: Let me ask you this, Eric.
• 3:51
  Matt: Why, why are all of your British characters all a Dickensian urchin?
• 4:00
  Matt: Why, why are all of them some sort of street ragamuffin?
• 4:06
  Eric: Because every fucking the late 19th century.
• 4:10
  Eric: I and I shit you not.
• 4:11
  Eric: Here's the legitimate reason.
• 4:13
  Eric: No, no.
• 4:14
  Eric: Um, growing up, I would go to my anytime I go to my grandparents' house, there was one movie I would watch.
• 4:20
  Eric: It was one of the only movies they had, and I fucking loved it, and I watched it every single time I was there, and it was the 1972 musical Oliver.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: Oliver Twist.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: Oliver Twist.
• 4:32
  Eric: So that is literally all I have to go on.
• 4:34
  Eric: No, I say that's all I have to go on.
• 4:37
  Eric: Like I didn't study the acting for a bunch of things.
• 4:41
  Matt: You didn't take dialect.
• 4:42
  Eric: But uh, so let's say I'm gonna throw out an arbitrary example.
• 4:45
  Eric: So let's say I have I I have boneitis.
• 4:50
  Eric: And my my skeleton, I go into attack, and uh my skeletonis.
• 4:56
  Matt: And what is bonitis?
• 4:57
  Eric: It's a fictional disease where my skeleton attempts to escape my body.
• 5:01
  Eric: Um my skeleton realizes that it is wearing a that it is wet at all times, and it is wearing a suit made of meat, and it tries to escape my body, and you see that I am having a bonitis attack.
• 5:15
  Matt: I see it.
• 5:15
  Eric: Okay and you have to like forcefully restrain me and punch my bones back into my body.
• 5:20
  Eric: Now, obviously, I would never want you to punch me in my bones, Matt, and you wouldn't want me to punch you in your bones, but you know that since I'm having a bonitis attack, that you have to do that.
• 5:33
  Matt: Yes.
• 5:34
  Matt: Well, do I have to punch you though, or can I just grip you strongly?
• 5:38
  Eric: No, it's the only known treatment for bonitus.
• 5:40
  Eric: You have to punch my bones really hard.
• 5:43
  Matt: Okay, okay, but uh all right, but uh aren't I punching really the muscles and stuff first?
• 5:49
  Eric: No, no, the skeleton's coming out, it's it's advanced at this point, it's the only way.
• 5:54
  Eric: This is like the tourniquet of bonitis.
• 5:56
  Matt: I hate to derail us, but how exactly is the skeleton coming out exactly?
• 6:01
  Matt: Like, how does it fight against the muscle prison it's in?
• 6:04
  Eric: Uh, that's kind of the paradox.
• 6:06
  Eric: Well, that's the part of bonitus that kills.
• 6:08
  Matt: Oh, a new another paradox.
• 6:10
  Eric: Yeah, well, because the skeleton can only get so far because it has to use muscles to get itself out.
• 6:14
  Eric: Basically, I'm like a soft shell crab at that point.
• 6:17
  Eric: Like, I'm shucking, I'm shucking my my skeleton.
• 6:21
  Matt: Okay, yes.
• 6:22
  Matt: All right, sure.
• 6:23
  Eric: Yeah.
• 6:24
  Eric: I don't know what happens once the skeleton's out.
• 6:26
  Eric: Skeleton has not that far ahead.
• 6:29
  Matt: No, but I I don't mean how it how is it actually getting out independent of the muscles.
• 6:35
  Eric: Oh, it's not up until last bit, like, so it gets a strong start because at the start, it's got all the muscles behind it.
• 6:41
  Eric: That's why it's got to be careful.
• 6:42
  Eric: But like, as it backs out at that point, it's just like using what little tendons and stuff are attached, so they kind of like squeeze it.
• 6:49
  Eric: Right, like kind of last bit of toothpaste itself out of me.
• 6:53
  Matt: Got it, got it.
• 6:54
  Matt: Okay, so there I am now punching you real hard in your wailing on my skeleton.
• 7:00
  Matt: Yes, just wailing on the skeleton.
• 7:03
  Eric: Indiscriminately punching the shit out of my skeleton.
• 7:06
  Matt: Now, I and I what now I have to say will fight back.
• 7:11
  Matt: I okay.
• 7:12
  Matt: Uh I I I feel like you're just trying to get me to fight you.
• 7:16
  Matt: Uh now.
• 7:17
  Matt: No, no, no.
• 7:18
  Matt: You're fighting the skeleton.
• 7:19
  Matt: Okay, so I'm fighting it.
• 7:21
  Matt: So what are you doing?
• 7:22
  Eric: If your skeleton screaming punch me screaming at the apologizing while I can still articulate sentences.
• 7:31
  Matt: And then I would naturally be apologizing whilst whilst raining down blows upon your screen begging you to keep punching my skeleton.
• 7:41
  Eric: Like, madam, you can't.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_06: I'm sorry.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_06: Don't sell bad you.
• 7:46
  Matt: But I would say not to completely negate this little tangent.
• 7:50
  Matt: Uh-huh.
• 7:51
  Matt: But if I had boneitis, I'd want you to do the same to me.
• 7:53
  Matt: I wouldn't fucking punch skeleton.
• 7:54
  Matt: That's gross.
• 7:56
  Matt: Where do you fall in Monopoly?
• 7:58
  Eric: Oh, it's Monopoly.
• 8:03
  Matt: So you hate it?
• 8:04
  Eric: I I don't hate okay.
• 8:06
  Eric: Here, I have the same relationship with Monopoly that I had with Little League Baseball.
• 8:11
  Eric: Uh I'm gonna get mad.
• 8:13
  Eric: Every time I I open a box Monopoly, I'm like, this is the time.
• 8:17
  Eric: Yeah, fuck it.
• 8:17
  Eric: I'm gonna love this.
• 8:18
  Eric: And then like 45 minutes later, um God damn it, why I do this.
• 8:26
  Matt: Let me ask you that.
• 8:27
  Matt: Let me ask you this.
• 8:27
  Matt: Is it because you've been crushed by someone who knows how to play?
• 8:32
  Matt: Is it because you have uh falsely given in to the capitalism dream that you too can can come out here and have an even chance to succeed?
• 8:42
  Matt: But in reality, it is the person who has claimed the the primary premium roles in the first go-round, and your future has already been written.
• 8:52
  Eric: Yeah, probably.
• 8:54
  Eric: Alright.
• 8:54
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 8:55
  Eric: Just have out those lines.
• 8:57
  Eric: Like it's it's always like, oh man, it's gonna be great.
• 8:59
  Eric: I think it's because of Monopoly, like, it's so snowball-y.
• 9:03
  Eric: Like it is.
• 9:04
  Eric: Once you once once you start losing, buckle up.
• 9:09
  Matt: If you ha I do think, and I'm sure there are Monopoly experts, which I am not, because fucking nobody wants to ever fucking play with me.
• 9:17
  Matt: Can you imagine competitive Monopoly?
• 9:19
  Eric: Yes, I can.
• 9:20
  Eric: I've been researching it.
• 9:21
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 9:21
  Eric: Matt, I say this with love.
• 9:23
  Eric: I cannot imagine how intense it is playing Monopoly with you.
• 9:27
  Eric: And I say this because I've played Risk with you.
• 9:32
  Matt: I like Monopoly and Risk for the same reason.
• 9:36
  Eric: Exactly my point.
• 9:38
  Matt: The the the in both risk and monopoly, and I think this is why people hate it.
• 9:45
  Matt: Because it's not just about and and let me be perfectly clear.
• 9:50
  Matt: When I lose risk or monopoly, it's a it's not a bad time, but like yeah, I'm never I never fear for my safety.
• 9:59
  Eric: I've been in those risk games.
• 10:01
  Eric: No, but the absolute intensity.
• 10:04
  Eric: I Matt, it's like looking at a wearied king that like I can feel like the burden of rule on your shoulders.
• 10:13
  Matt: That's because risk is a game of war.
• 10:15
  Eric: Yeah.
• 10:16
  Matt: All right, and so I don't I will not sit here idly by and have my character as a wartime leader be attacked.
• 10:28
  Matt: My troops are my children, and we together from our stronghold in Australia.
• 10:36
  Eric: Australia! Dear God, the fucking the yes, the iron cradle, the fucking anyone who says that Australia is not an advantage is a fool.
• 10:49
  Eric: Yeah, a fucking moron.
• 10:50
  Matt: This man you can you can win risk without Australia, uh, but it it is significantly easier, unless you're an idiot, to have Australia and lose.
• 11:02
  Matt: Because a very effective strategy is just sitting in Australia, building up your troops for a long, long time and then deploying them while everybody else has been killing each other.
• 11:10
  Matt: Yep.
• 11:10
  Matt: Anyway, we're not talking about risk, we're talking about monopoly.
• 11:13
  Matt: But the reason I like the two is because they are both not just about winning, but about decimating.
• 11:19
  Eric: Just crushing.
• 11:22
  Matt: Totally eliminating from the board your competition in the most ruthless way.
• 11:28
  Matt: But where risk, where risk is about war, monopoly is just about capitalism.
• 11:35
  Eric: Yep, I know me and Sam's.
• 11:36
  Eric: Uh and it's not something we actually find.
• 11:38
  Eric: Well, it's something like it came to a it it could, it is the dumbest in how it had to be resolved.
• 11:44
  Matt: Uh-huh.
• 11:45
  Eric: Ketchup does not go in the refrigerator.
• 11:48
  Eric: Shut the fuck up, both of you.
• 11:49
  Eric: I know what you're gonna say.
• 11:50
  Matt: Yeah, you're wrong.
• 11:51
  Matt: Yeah, ketchup goes in the refrigerator.
• 11:53
  Eric: It does not go in the refrigerator.
• 11:54
  Matt: It says it on the bottle.
• 11:55
  Matt: It's a health and safety instruction, Eric.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: Say it, man.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: Do you regularly get food poisoning?
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: They have.
• 12:02
  Eric: You open your ketchup and you put it back in the cabinet.
• 12:05
  Eric: Oh, yeah.
• 12:06
  Eric: Right the fuck back in the cabinet.
• 12:08
  Matt: Okay, but Sam's the sane one here.
• 12:10
  Eric: Is that what you're saying?
• 12:11
  Eric: Sam Sam wants her ketchup in the fridge.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: Sam, we support you.
• 12:14
  Matt: Along with Hines, along with the Heinz family.
• 12:18
  Matt: They want it in the fridge too.
• 12:19
  Matt: That's why they put it on the label.
• 12:21
  Matt: They have to say that.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: So they have to say that, or the FDA will arrest them.
• 12:28
  Matt: They have to say that so you don't die.
• 12:31
  Eric: This is how Big Pharma wins.
• 12:33
  Eric: So the resolution, we have two bottles of ketchup in this country.
• 12:40
  Eric: One in the cabinets.
• 12:43
  Matt: Jesus.
• 12:44
  Matt: You got Tommy two ketchups over here.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: You're realizing you're making it so, so easy for Sam to eventually murder you by poisoning that ketchup.
• 12:57
  unknown: Okay.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 12:59
  Matt: Okay, hold on a second.
• 13:01
  Matt: So where is the warm infected bottle of ketchup?
• 13:05
  Eric: Okay, first of all, I've been eating ket I've been eating ketchup prepared in in that style since I was a child.
• 13:14
  Eric: Yeah.
• 13:15
  Eric: Since I was motherfucker.
• 13:19
  Eric: What were you gonna say?
• 13:20
  Eric: And I turned out.
• 13:23
  Eric: Growing up in Glen Bernie, we didn't have all this refrigerator real estate for ketchup.
• 13:27
  Matt: Oh, here we here we go with the dirty Bernie Sobb story again.
• 13:32
  Eric: God damn.
• 13:34
  Matt: On the on the mean street in the mean streets of Ferndale.
• 13:37
  Matt: You can't you can't blame Glenn Burney for the crime against humanity that is in ketchup hat.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: He got a he got a threpenny for a poor orphan can't afford to put ketchup in the refrigerator.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: That is a threpany.
• 13:53
  Matt: I'm sorry, I didn't realize Glenn Burney was in in lower London.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: Dickensy in England.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 14:01
  Matt: Uh okay.
• 14:02
  Matt: Well, Eric, I think once again, uh we've taken a question posed to Megan and made it mostly about us.
• 14:10
  Matt: So I think we did a good job there.
• 14:12
  Matt: Yeah.
• 14:12
  Matt: I think here's the line.
• 14:15
  Eric: Here is the line.
• 14:16
  Eric: I figured it out.
• 14:18
  Eric: If they have brought you the check and you ask for more bread, that is the line.
• 14:24
  Eric: That is a hard line.
• 14:26
  Eric: That is a hard line.
• 14:27
  Eric: Because I think I think if you have if you have paid and you are fucking, if the check is on the table and you it I don't think they'd even do it.
• 14:36
  Matt: Because most most establishments I've been to, yeah, once you get your check, that waiter disappears.
• 14:43
  Matt: After they've been tipped and the transaction is officially over, they want you to get out.
• 14:48
  Matt: I am so happy you brought that up.
• 14:51
  Eric: They're not coming back.
• 14:52
  Eric: So here's the shitty position.
• 14:54
  Eric: Here's the third trolley.
• 14:55
  Eric: Okay.
• 14:56
  Eric: Your server, right?
• 14:58
  Eric: I am.
• 14:59
  Eric: You bring you bring you bring you bring the check.
• 15:02
  Eric: You lay it down.
• 15:03
  Eric: There you go, folks.
• 15:04
  Eric: Here you go.
• 15:05
  Eric: Whenever you're ready.
• 15:06
  Eric: And whenever you're ready.
• 15:07
  Eric: And the guy pulls out his wallet.
• 15:09
  Eric: You see his wads of cash.
• 15:11
  Eric: There they are.
• 15:11
  Eric: And he's like, oh, by the way, can we get another order of bread?
• 15:15
  Eric: Hasn't paid yet.
• 15:16
  Eric: Hasn't tipped you yet.
• 15:18
  Matt: I mean, if he hasn't tipped me yet, I gotta do it.
• 15:21
  Eric: I know.
• 15:21
  Eric: And I think you have to, and that and that's what's so super shitty about it.
• 15:25
  Matt: I I think it is shitty, but you know what I might do?
• 15:27
  Eric: What?
• 15:28
  Matt: Uh he says, so there he is.
• 15:30
  Matt: Can you give that can you give me that line again, Eric?
• 15:32
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 15:33
  Eric: Oh, uh sorry, um you're gonna hear the the foley sound of my wallet filled with cash opening.
• 15:39
  Eric: Oh, can we get another order of bread?
• 15:41
  Matt: Okay, now zoom in on my face, which real quick, you'll see my eyes as they look they're looking you in the eye, and then suddenly they clock down to the wallet, then back up to your eyes.
• 15:52
  Matt: Yeah, sure, let me go get your some bread, of course.
• 15:56
  Matt: One more look down to the wallet, and then I'm off.
• 15:59
  Matt: And I come back and I give you your brown bread for the Cheesecake Factory.
• 16:03
  Matt: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 16:03
  Matt: Here you go.
• 16:04
  Matt: Oh, here you are, sir.
• 16:05
  Matt: Did you have time to uh fill out that uh fill out the fill out the check?
• 16:10
  Eric: And it's just his entire wallet.
• 16:11
  Eric: He's like, here, here, my son.
• 16:14
  Eric: You passed the test.
• 16:16
  Matt: Oh, a thousand dollars.
• 16:17
  Matt: That is fuck yeah.
• 16:19
  Matt: No hard cash.
• 16:20
  Matt: They went so far as to say that our judgment, our ruling would be final.
• 16:29
  Matt: Bless them.
• 16:30
  Matt: That they would accept our ruling on the on the following issue.
• 16:38
  Eric: Are bugles chips?
• 16:42
  Eric: We're gonna answer on the count of three.
• 16:43
  Eric: One, two, three.
• 16:45
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 16:47
  Eric: Let's discuss it.
• 16:48
  Matt: I I cannot wait to hear what bullshit argument you have.
• 16:53
  Matt: What do you mean it is it is a chip?
• 16:56
  Matt: You said that as matter-of-factly as you claim that you can't put ketchup in the fucking fridge.
• 17:01
  Matt: How many by all means?
• 17:03
  Matt: No, no, no, Eric, by all means.
• 17:05
  Matt: You why don't you start with the case for chip?
• 17:08
  Matt: I cannot believe that you are in this camp.
• 17:12
  Matt: It's a motherfucking chip.
• 17:14
  Matt: In what capacity?
• 17:15
  Eric: It man! Okay, let me let me hit you with this.
• 17:18
  Eric: Let me hit you with this.
• 17:19
  Matt: Hit me away.
• 17:20
  Matt: I've got tabs galore here.
• 17:22
  Matt: So by all means.
• 17:23
  Eric: Oh my god, I was even gonna fucking say how many tabs on bugles do you have right now?
• 17:29
  Eric: I came to this with my no, you don't need tabs when you have fucking ethics on your side.
• 17:35
  Matt: Oh, sure.
• 17:36
  Matt: Okay.
• 17:37
  Matt: So go ahead.
• 17:38
  Matt: I'm still waiting for a case that is yet to be brought.
• 17:41
  Eric: It is a crispy, crunchy, way overprocessed snack that comes in a bag.
• 17:49
  Eric: It is salty.
• 17:52
  Eric: It is it is made from it is made from corn.
• 17:54
  Eric: I know it's not made from potatoes, but there are many things that I would consider to be chips that aren't made from potatoes.
• 17:59
  Eric: Sure.
• 18:01
  Eric: And like I grab them by the fistfuls, I munch them.
• 18:04
  Eric: Sometimes I put them on my fingers, I pretend I'm a witch, Matt.
• 18:07
  Eric: They're chips.
• 18:08
  Matt: And stop.
• 18:10
  Matt: So you grab them by the fistfuls, shove them in your mouth, and sometimes you put them in your f on your fingers.
• 18:20
  Matt: Putting them on your fingers is the only way to eat bugles, so I'm not sure what the other thing is.
• 18:25
  Matt: Now, Eric, when was the last time you just reached into a bag of chips, grabbed a quote unquote handful, and shoved that into your mouth?
• 18:34
  Matt: Like an hour ago.
• 18:37
  Matt: You just eat you're just out here eating raw chips.
• 18:40
  Matt: Raw chips?
• 18:43
  Eric: I have stop the podcast.
• 18:46
  Eric: I have a question.
• 18:46
  Eric: Everyone shut the fuck up.
• 18:48
  Eric: I have a question.
• 18:49
  Eric: What's a raw chip?
• 18:50
  Eric: I'll tell you what's a raw chip.
• 18:52
  Matt: Chips go with dip.
• 18:56
  Matt: Sure, sure.
• 18:56
  Matt: You can have chips by themselves.
• 18:58
  Matt: I'm not saying you can't.
• 18:59
  Eric: Are you are you trying to are you unironically proposing to me that a bugle, literally a cornucopia-shaped horn, is not conducive to a dip environment?
• 19:15
  Matt: When was the last no no no no when was the last time you cupped anything with a bugle?
• 19:22
  Matt: Oh my god, like never because they're so good by themselves, but I could if I never because you can't fucking do it.
• 19:29
  Matt: What are you gonna do?
• 19:30
  Matt: You're gonna take you're gonna scoop, you're gonna scoop some ranch into your bugle.
• 19:34
  Matt: I dare you.
• 19:34
  Matt: I don't fucking think so.
• 19:35
  Matt: I was even gonna fucking say ranch.
• 19:38
  Matt: Yeah, no, I don't think so.
• 19:39
  Matt: But that's okay, Eric.
• 19:40
  Matt: That's okay.
• 19:41
  Matt: Let's say you did.
• 19:42
  Matt: Let's say you did do that in this fancy world.
• 19:45
  Matt: All right, Matt.
• 19:46
  Matt: Let's say you did do that.
• 19:48
  Matt: I hear what you're saying about it being made out of corn, cornmeal, to be specific.
• 19:55
  Matt: And there is a uh a similar product out there.
• 20:04
  Matt: Yeah.
• 20:05
  Matt: Uh made out of cornmeal that refers to itself as corn chips.
• 20:10
  Matt: Fritos.
• 20:11
  Matt: And that would be Fritos.
• 20:12
  Matt: Fritos.
• 20:16
  Matt: The product calling itself a corn chip is pretty definitive, I feel, right?
• 20:21
  Eric: I yes.
• 20:23
  Eric: Are you about to are you trying to come at me like it doesn't say chip on the bag?
• 20:26
  Eric: Is that gonna be what you hit me with?
• 20:28
  Matt: Not only does it not say that, it specifically says a corn snack.
• 20:35
  Eric: They have to say that for tax reasons, Matt.
• 20:39
  Eric: Come on.
• 20:40
  Matt: You can't you can't get out of an argument you know you lost in your heart and mind the second you hear something to the contrary by saying they have to say that.
• 20:50
  Matt: Alright, Matt.
• 20:51
  Matt: They have to say that.
• 20:53
  Matt: Matt, alright.
• 20:54
  Matt: Yes, I'm waiting.
• 20:57
  Matt: Do you have some do you actually have something to say, Eric?
• 21:00
  Matt: Because I have I have more cases in my uh arsenal here.
• 21:04
  Eric: Well, it's just like if we're going off of the whole like, well, it doesn't say it on the back.
• 21:08
  Eric: Do you consider Pringles to be chips?
• 21:11
  Matt: Yeah.
• 21:11
  Eric: Yeah, I do.
• 21:13
  Eric: Because Pringles doesn't consider Pringles to be chips.
• 21:16
  Matt: Pray, tell what is your source for this revelation?
• 21:19
  Eric: Pringles considers itself to be stackable potato-based crisps.
• 21:24
  Matt: Okay, now hold on a second, Eric.
• 21:27
  Matt: You know as well as I do that crisp and chips are interchangeable terms.
• 21:33
  Eric: Oh, oh, well, Matt, he says, pushing the glasses up the bridge of his nose.
• 21:38
  Eric: But the discussion is over whether or not we consider bugles to be chips.
• 21:43
  Eric: Correct.
• 21:44
  Eric: And literally chips, and it didn't say chips on the bag.
• 21:47
  Eric: So if it doesn't say chips on the Pringles can.
• 21:50
  Matt: But chip and crisp are the same terms.
• 21:53
  Matt: I but does it say that it says it says a different word.
• 21:57
  Matt: It doesn't say one of those words.
• 22:00
  Matt: Oh, so you're saying different words mean different things, so crisp isn't a chip.
• 22:04
  Matt: No, I'm saying, depending on your vernacular, just like soda and pop mean the same thing, depending on where you are.
• 22:13
  Matt: Do they?
• 22:13
  Matt: Yeah, Eric.
• 22:14
  Matt: Do they?
• 22:15
  Matt: They do.
• 22:15
  Matt: I don't know why you're shifting all about, because you you're wiggling, trying to wiggle away from the truth that is smacking you in the face.
• 22:23
  Matt: Because listen to this.
• 22:24
  Matt: Let me turn, let me turn now to another, another reliable source, unless you want to question the judgment of Miriam Webster.
• 22:33
  Matt: Buck.
• 22:33
  Matt: Go on.
• 22:34
  Matt: Now, of course, there's multiple definitions of chip.
• 22:37
  Matt: You know, you've got the wood chip kind of thing, but a small piece of food, such as a small, thin, crisp, usually salty piece of food, typically prepared by frying, baking, or drying.
• 22:54
  Matt: For example, potato chips, corn chips, banana chips.
• 23:00
  Matt: Now, what all those things that I had in common, even the Frido, which I would grant the title of chip, despite it being a little bit of a stretch for me, but I will grant it.
• 23:11
  Matt: Because they all share the same fucking shape, Eric.
• 23:18
  Matt: You know a chip when you look at it.
• 23:20
  Matt: It doesn't look like a fucking cornucopia.
• 23:24
  Matt: It doesn't look like a a crushed pilgrim hat.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_03: Wow.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_03: Wow.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I I never thought there'd come a day on on this show where my friend would judge someone by the way they looked instead of the way they crispy crunchied in your mouth when you bit them off your fingers.
• 23:43
  Matt: I'm sorry.
• 23:44
  Matt: Are you now going to are you gonna purport to me that when you put a bugle in your mouth, it tastes and has the mouthfeel of a regular chip?
• 23:56
  Eric: Well, no, but Meta Pringle doesn't have the mouthfeel of a laze.
• 24:00
  Matt: Yes, it does.
• 24:01
  Eric: Yes, it does.
• 24:02
  Eric: A lay's does not have the mouthfeel of a Dorito.
• 24:06
  Matt: They don't all taste the same.
• 24:07
  Matt: I'm not saying they all taste the same, but you know when you're eating a chip.
• 24:11
  Matt: When you eat, when you bite into a bugle, first it explodes all over the place.
• 24:17
  Matt: It's half hollow.
• 24:20
  Matt: It's not a hard uh crunch.
• 24:23
  Matt: It's a soft crunch.
• 24:24
  Matt: Talking about soft crunch.
• 24:25
  Matt: A chip has a hard crunch, a firm crisp to it.
• 24:29
  Matt: Oh, I'm getting upset.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_03: Matt.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_03: Matthew, if if you bite us, do we not crunch?
• 24:35
  Matt: No, if you bite us, we bleed.
• 24:37
  Matt: What are you talking about?
• 24:43
  Eric: All right, Mr.
• 24:44
  Eric: Smith.
• 24:45
  Eric: All right, Mr.
• 24:46
  Eric: Smith.
• 24:46
  Eric: You've come to Washington.
• 24:48
  Eric: You've you've you've yelled your yellow.
• 24:52
  Eric: I'm exhausted.
• 24:54
  Eric: You've spoken your truth.
• 24:56
  Eric: Yes.
• 24:57
  Eric: Matt.
• 25:00
  Eric: Say it.
• 25:01
  Eric: The bugle delegation yields.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_02: Say it!
• 25:06
  Eric: Bugles aren't Amy, I'm sorry.
• 25:15
  Matt: By the way, I think Amy was on my side, if I remember correctly.
• 25:19
  Eric: Fucking Amy.
• 25:20
  Eric: No, I still love you, girl.
• 25:21
  Eric: Still love you.
• 25:22
  Eric: All right.
• 25:23
  Matt: I am sweaty now.
• 25:24
  Matt: I'm actually sweaty.
• 25:25
  Matt: I've I I yeah, I've got bugle sweats.
• 25:28
  Matt: I have worked out as as a big fan of the show by contractual obligation.
• 25:34
  Matt: You have probably noticed you've come up quite a bit in this show.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I am.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: I have noticed a ghost feminist presence that seems to permeate all things on this podcast.
• 25:46
  Eric: Well, yeah, you'd kick the shit out of us if it didn't.
• 25:49
  Matt: And so so sorry, it sounds like um, so you're coming out against that.
• 25:53
  Matt: You're coming out against uh feminism on the podcast?
• 25:55
  Matt: Is that your first contribution?
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm saying that there are mentions of me, and largely they're only following a sentence where Matt says something about the patriarchy, I have to say that, or my wife would kill me.
• 26:10
  Matt: Um follow-up question about that.
• 26:13
  Matt: Um have I ever been wrong?
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_00: Generally speaking, or in the podcast?
• 26:19
  Matt: Oh, very good.
• 26:20
  Matt: Come back.
• 26:22
  Matt: So happy this episode is happening.
• 26:25
  Matt: Uh I meant, have I ever been wrong in those circumstances?
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure the answer is yes.
• 26:31
  Matt: Okay.
• 26:36
  Matt: This fucking show is off of positive.
• 26:40
  Matt: All right, Eric, I want to say uh right up front, I think we've made a very large mistake.
• 26:46
  Eric: I am I I am euphoric, Matthew.
• 26:50
  Eric: Okay, this is everything the the the warlord of Monopoly.
• 26:54
  Matt: But I I don't sit, but I truthfully, I don't sit there and like I don't play that way.
• 27:01
  Matt: No, I don't do it the way I play Clue, where I usually become Professor Plum.
• 27:06
  Matt: Yeah.
• 27:07
  Matt: Uh I do not I don't normally do that.
• 27:09
  Matt: But I do get randy for financial ruin of others.
• 27:16
  Eric: See, I I approach it from the different when I am when I am in a damn secure position, that's when I become a benevolent one.
• 27:26
  Matt: Oh, fuck you.
• 27:27
  Matt: No, you don't.
• 27:28
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 27:28
  Matt: Oh, you you're making your charitable donations.
• 27:30
  Eric: Oh yes, do you?
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_05: No, no, please.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_05: Let us you take free parts.
• 27:35
  Eric: No, I oh my god, I'll be like, please, this does not have to be your ruin.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_05: We can work something out.
• 27:45
  Matt: Perhaps perhaps a loan of yes.
• 27:49
  Matt: Shall we say ten dollars a turn?
• 27:52
  Eric: Oh, I am that is one of my favorite aspects of Monopoly, is just all of the outside of the rule, like just the wheeling and dealing.
• 28:02
  Matt: Let's talk about that because when you sit down with a group of people, you need the first thing you need to establish, and I think this is where a lot of Monopoly games go wrong.
• 28:11
  Matt: You need to establish what rules we're playing with.
• 28:15
  Matt: Yeah.
• 28:16
  Matt: Because everybody knows the basic rules, more or less.
• 28:18
  Matt: I'm sure the rule book goes on for days.
• 28:20
  Matt: I haven't looked at it in a long time, but everybody knows the general concept.
• 28:23
  Matt: It's very simple.
• 28:24
  Matt: You land on things, you buy them, you pay other people.
• 28:26
  Matt: Yep.
• 28:27
  Matt: But there are the house rules.
• 28:29
  Matt: For example, I think the most universal one free parking is the it surrounds free parking.
• 28:36
  Eric: Yep.
• 28:36
  Matt: A lot of people put in their taxes and their, you know, their income tax, all these various uh chance and community chest penalties go into the center pod.
• 28:47
  Matt: Yep.
• 28:48
  Matt: I don't know if you play that way.
• 28:49
  Eric: No, that's that's how I've always played it.
• 28:51
  Eric: And it's also like the number one contributor to games dragging on for like four or five hours.
• 28:56
  Matt: Yes, because that's not a rule.
• 28:58
  Eric: No, it's not a thing.
• 28:59
  Eric: It's never been a thing.
• 29:00
  Matt: It's never been a thing.
• 29:02
  Matt: Free parking is just a fucking safe space.
• 29:04
  Eric: Empty space.
• 29:04
  Eric: They Milton and Bradley ran out of fucking ideas.
• 29:08
  Matt: No, I don't think they did.
• 29:10
  Matt: I think they wanted a safe haven.
• 29:12
  Eric: They just wanted like, look, this is the one spot you don't have to do shit.
• 29:17
  Eric: Nobody owes you anything.
• 29:19
  Eric: You don't owe anybody nothing.
• 29:20
  Matt: Well, the the the the other place with that is jail if you're just visiting.
• 29:24
  Matt: Just visiting.
• 29:25
  Matt: Now, so just so everybody uh maybe there are maybe there are people who listen to this show who are not familiar with Monopoly.
• 29:32
  Matt: Uh uh free parking and um uh jail are corner spots where nothing happens.
• 29:40
  Matt: Uh the other corner spots are go and go to jail.
• 29:43
  Matt: Yep.
• 29:44
  Matt: Go to jail being bad, go being very good.
• 29:47
  Matt: Not only is it a free space, but you get 200 bucks.
• 29:50
  Matt: So so that's where free parking is located.
• 29:53
  Matt: Uh and in case I mean it is a semi-complicated game to do a brief overview of.
• 29:59
  Eric: So I mean, if they don't know how Monopoly like I think this is the one time where we could be if you don't know how to play Monopoly, just skip this one.
• 30:08
  Matt: No, no, no, don't skip this one, just pause.
• 30:12
  Matt: Look, go pause, Wikipedia it, and come back to us.
• 30:16
  Matt: Go watch a let's play of Monopoly.
• 30:18
  Matt: There are a lot of those.
• 30:20
  Matt: Yeah, just go watch some YouTube video for five seconds and then come back to us.
• 30:25
  Matt: And then you probably should go get a friend because it just seems improbable that you reach this stage of your life without playing a version of Monopoly.
• 30:36
  Matt: And we will get to the version.
• 30:38
  Eric: And how do you know if you've had friends if you haven't lost one over a game of Monopoly?
• 30:43
  Eric: Okay, so now we have the dogs.
• 30:44
  Eric: We have the dogs, and we have uh and this is where I go, all right, off to the Tower of London with you, Gov.
• 30:52
  Matt: Or, or perhaps this is another good twist in the movie we didn't see coming.
• 30:56
  Matt: An Oliver twist.
• 30:57
  Matt: The Queen.
• 30:58
  Matt: The Queen gruffly grabs my wrist and says, I'll take him from here, and starts leading me away with two other guards.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_01: This feels very sexual all of a sudden.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_01: That's not what I signed up for.
• 31:11
  Eric: About to commit another perfect crime?
• 31:13
  Eric: Oh, I didn't even think about breaking the queen's heart.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_01: King consort, Matthew Shea.
• 31:19
  Matt: I didn't consider seducing her majesty on this voyage.
• 31:25
  Matt: Matt, what are you prepared to do for this perfect crime?
• 31:28
  Matt: It's like I said, do you want a job done or do you want it done right?
• 31:32
  Matt: Okay, so unexpectedly, I need to seduce the queen.
• 31:36
  Matt: Yes.
• 31:37
  Eric: Yes.
• 31:37
  Eric: This crime just remember how I said we're gonna make it more perfect?
• 31:40
  Eric: It just keeps getting more perfect.
• 31:42
  Matt: Okay, so I have to go do that while you guys are get out, get out of here.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_01: No, we need a blow by blow.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_01: We need like a step-by-step map.
• 31:52
  Matt: No, I I gotta yada yada yada over that whole thing.
• 31:56
  Eric: We gotta a tasteful fade to black.
• 31:58
  Matt: Or okay, or perhaps my ver my shenanigans are the queen gets very seductive uh in the private quarters.
• 32:09
  Matt: Yes.
• 32:09
  Matt: I have to make some excuse of like, uh, well, just uh let me go freshen up.
• 32:17
  Matt: I escape to the bathroom where I try to like rope my way out the window somehow.
• 32:24
  Eric: Matt, this is where me and Megan.
• 32:28
  Eric: We have a screenplay.
• 32:29
  Eric: Me and Megan are walking outside.
• 32:32
  Eric: We timed this.
• 32:32
  Eric: We we timed it so we're so part of the plan.
• 32:35
  Eric: We're walking below that window outside.
• 32:37
  Eric: This is when I take the hat off, and inside is a grappling hook.
• 32:42
  Eric: Um, we found it.
• 32:47
  Eric: We knew we would.
• 32:48
  Matt: Uh can I can I enlighten you with a story?
• 32:51
  Matt: This is a complete tangent, but I think I think you'll enjoy it.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_03: Please, please do, please do.
• 32:55
  Matt: So there was a small initiative in this office for a little while to uh start like a uh to focus more on your mental health, which i I appreciate, you know, we should do.
• 33:06
  Matt: And so someone suggested that they wanted to lead a meditation.
• 33:10
  Matt: Now, no one wanted to do the meditation, so I and some coworkers felt bad.
• 33:15
  Matt: So we did it.
• 33:16
  Matt: We were like, the the Eric, it happened one and only one time because I was like, I don't want to do this, but I'll do it because I feel bad that they were like, I have an idea, and then everyone was silent.
• 33:31
  Matt: So like four of us are doing this meditation, we're laying on the floor, the person's coming around saying, saying soothing things about put placing yourself in a babbling brook.
• 33:44
  Matt: And and you know, while they're doing this, there's you know, spraying some incense and and coming up close to us and you know, set you know, doing a little relax your shoulders kind of thing, yeah, holding all this tension, da-da-da-da-da.
• 33:56
  Matt: And it act, I have to say, it actually was quite relaxing.
• 33:59
  Matt: Uh-huh.
• 34:00
  Matt: So when we were finished, we're we're all standing up, and I can see your face, I think you're ahead of me.
• 34:06
  Matt: I said to the person, I said, Where did you get this incense?
• 34:13
  Matt: Because it smells a little like the poopourri.
• 34:17
  Matt: And this person looked me in the eye and said, It is the poopourri.
• 34:25
  Matt: No, that is not where my brain was going.
• 34:30
  Matt: This person sprayed me and three other co-workers in the face.
• 34:36
  Matt: That is not okay.
• 34:37
  Matt: In the face with active poopourri!
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_06: That is not okay.
• 34:43
  Matt: I, out of the goodness of my fucking heart, felt pity for this person with their shitty meditation idea.
• 34:54
  Matt: I laid on the floor not getting work done.
• 34:57
  Matt: Obviously, I'm gonna take that excuse.
• 35:00
  Matt: Oh, and what did what did you repay me with?
• 35:03
  Matt: You took poop spray that has been used in a real life toilet.
• 35:08
  Matt: It's been held in poopy hands, it's been held in poopy hands in a poopy bowl, and you sprayed it on my now poopy face.
• 35:16
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 35:18
  Matt: So, yeah, that it that that etiquette works in the bathroom, but not in the meditation room.
• 35:26
  Matt: Oh man.
• 35:28
  Eric: Oh, that's so fucking funny.
• 35:30
  Eric: And now I cannot fucking hilarious.
• 35:33
  Matt: I cannot think of poopery without thinking of the time that this person sprayed it in my goddamn face.
• 35:40
  Matt: That is when I had my eyes closed and was picturing myself in a babbling brook.
• 35:45
  Eric: Fucking that's that's the one the Fortune 500 CEOs, that's the power play they won't tell you about.
• 35:52
  Eric: Get them right in the fucking eyes with pooperie.
• 35:54
  Eric: Remind them of what they are.
• 35:56
  Eric: Yeah.
• 35:56
  Eric: They're their their reading list was such softball shit.
• 36:00
  Eric: It was like fucking, oh, read cat in the hat.
• 36:03
  Eric: Like, Doug, I'm what what are you what?
• 36:05
  Eric: I'm over here reading, I'm in fucking fourth or fifth grade.
• 36:08
  Matt: I'm reading the giver.
• 36:09
  Matt: All right, Eric, it's been several episodes.
• 36:11
  Matt: I have to ask, what?
• 36:13
  Matt: Who is Doug?
• 36:14
  Matt: And why do you keep bringing this back?
• 36:17
  Matt: Who is Doug?
• 36:18
  Matt: Thank you, Matthew.
• 36:20
  Matt: First Eric, who is Doug?
• 36:22
  Matt: I have kept, I have bit my tongue long enough.
• 36:25
  Matt: Who is Doug?
• 36:28
  Eric: I'm gonna Matt, here's what I'm gonna do for you.
• 36:33
  Eric: I have stayed silent as long as I can.
• 36:36
  Eric: Here's what I'm gonna do.
• 36:37
  Eric: Somebody listening to the show, please, I implore you, someone message Matt and tell him.
• 36:44
  Eric: What?
• 36:44
  Eric: You're not even gonna tell me?
• 36:46
  Eric: Oh no, I'm gonna put this out.
• 36:47
  Eric: I'm left out of the loop.
• 36:49
  Eric: And and Matt, I don't care if it's like 10 years from now, when our show is exploding and we're, you know, we're fucking, we're a household name.
• 36:57
  Eric: Uh, and someone decides, hey, I'm gonna go listen back to like the early episodes.
• 37:01
  Eric: Like, I know they say you're not supposed to start listening to like episode 230, but I'm gonna go back.
• 37:06
  Eric: I want to listen to the OGC where they came from, and they're gonna hear this and they're gonna hear me implore like, please, please tell Matt what I mean when I when I say it, Doug.
• 37:14
  Eric: And then they're gonna get a message in the dead of night, and they'll be like, to like, hey, Doug, come on, this is how this is what it means.
• 37:21
  Matt: I can't believe you're doing this to me.
• 37:23
  Matt: I cannot believe you are treating me like a like an invader on our own on our own podcast.
• 37:29
  Matt: Here you are saying Doug, Doug, episode after episode, 10 episodes, 12 episodes, Doug, Doug, yeah, Doug, there, Doug.
• 37:37
  Matt: Why are you saying it?
• 37:38
  Matt: Who is Doug?
• 37:39
  Matt: And now you're flaunting it, telling you everybody knows who Doug is except for Matt, the fucking idiot.
• 37:44
  Matt: Are you kidding me?
• 37:45
  Matt: I thought you were saying dog and got confused and said Doug somewhere like that.
• 37:49
  Eric: I mean, that's essentially what I did.
• 37:51
  Matt: And then you just kept doing it.
• 37:52
  Matt: And now you're telling me that there's some part of the culture that I have been left out of.
• 37:57
  Matt: The zeitgeist that you have been excluded from.
• 38:00
  Matt: And you're fucking taunting me, slapping it in the face like and now you now you're dabbing at me.
• 38:09
  Eric: How dare you! And that, kids, is how you out pizza them.
• 38:19
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 38:21
  Matt: Okay.
• 38:22
  Matt: Here I thought I was gonna shame you, and instead I am finding that you, laughing in my face, think you're shaming me.
• 38:29
  Eric: Like I'm in the Illuminati, and you just haven't been inaugurated yet.
• 38:33
  Matt: Oh god damn.
• 38:34
  Matt: Okay, well, let's get this thing back on track.
• 38:38
  Matt: So, so I'm so distracted now by my own insecurities.
• 38:43
  Eric: The exception to there is an exception to every rule is is is like the concept of it, like I thought you wanted me to come in with the answer.
• 38:56
  Eric: No, that's it.
• 38:57
  Matt: Is is the exact word is?
• 39:00
  Eric: Yeah, like just is as a statement, like to be.
• 39:04
  Eric: Because existence by default exists.
• 39:07
  Matt: Uh-huh.
• 39:08
  Eric: Do you know what I mean?
• 39:09
  Matt: No.
• 39:10
  Matt: Fuck.
• 39:11
  Matt: Where you yeah, okay, you're saying that I think I get what you're trying to communicate that this you're just uh just being.
• 39:20
  Matt: You can't refute something existing.
• 39:24
  Eric: Sure.
• 39:24
  Eric: You like or rather like just the and and like there it is.
• 39:28
  Eric: Yeah, there it is.
• 39:30
  Eric: There's not an exception to that moment, to that burst of being.
• 39:35
  Matt: Oh, oh, okay.
• 39:36
  Matt: All right.
• 39:36
  Matt: So you're saying like the act of simply existing cannot be contradicted.
• 39:43
  Matt: That a that a thing is uh in existence.
• 39:47
  Matt: It either is or it isn't.
• 39:49
  Matt: And like either exists or it does exist.
• 39:52
  Matt: Yeah.
• 39:52
  Matt: And so I guess what you could have said is uh the exception is existence, not the word is.
• 40:00
  Matt: Is we're ising.
• 40:05
  Matt: Yeah, we sure are ising.
• 40:07
  Matt: We uh this qualifies as ising for sure.
• 40:10
  Matt: Yep.
• 40:12
  Matt: I mean, I and I think you're right.
• 40:13
  Matt: I mean, you can't well wait a minute.
• 40:17
  Matt: Oh there what about theory?
• 40:22
  Matt: Because isn't theory just the theoretical existence?
• 40:27
  Eric: Well, yes, but that's theoretical, like that that implies that exists.
• 40:32
  Eric: So I would say that theoretically something is a theory until the exceptions are gone.
• 40:40
  Eric: You know what I mean?
• 40:42
  Matt: That's that's just science.
• 40:43
  Matt: Like Bill Nye taught me that.
• 40:45
  Eric: And I'm talking hard physics here.
• 40:47
  Eric: Yes.
• 40:48
  Eric: Um, yeah, like once we have reached the once we because that's what we do in science, is like we try to find the null hypothesis.
• 40:55
  Eric: And when you theorize something, you immediately try to like you're you're trying to prove that it it's wrong.
• 41:01
  Eric: That it can't like that it can't be.
• 41:03
  Eric: And once you can't not do that, or once you can't like disprove something, then it must be.
• 41:16
  Matt: I'm confused.
• 41:17
  Matt: Um, so but okay, but no, I mean I think you're right.
• 41:20
  Matt: Like something either it has a concrete existence in this in this physical world, or it does not.
• 41:28
  unknown: Yeah.
• 41:29
  Eric: And if it doesn't exist, then it can't exist to have an exception.
• 41:34
  Eric: Like, you know what I mean?
• 41:35
  Matt: Like it it is Unless you count the ex unless you count like it will exist as a uh you know, something being made is like it doesn't exist yet, but it will exist.
• 41:48
  Matt: Is that the exception?
• 41:49
  Eric: But even that's a theory.
• 41:50
  Eric: Even like that's a that is a theory of something to come.
• 41:53
  Matt: I suppose actually, if you take like, I don't know, take it take anything, take this mouse sitting in front of me.
• 41:59
  Matt: If this computer mouse, it it doesn't exist until all its parts are put together into one thing.
• 42:06
  Matt: But technically, when you go into that assembly line and the various pieces of plastic and the its little laser and all that stuff is going into go like technically, it already exists.
• 42:17
  Matt: It's just it hasn't been put together yet.
• 42:19
  Matt: Just like you might have all the ingredients to a cookie sitting in your bakery shelf, but until you mix them just so the cookie doesn't exist yet.
• 42:30
  Matt: Or does it?
• 42:35
  Eric: Fucking the podcast of Theseus is what we've become.
• 42:40
  Matt: Eric, let me ask you something.
• 42:43
  Eric: Yes, Matt.
• 42:44
  Matt: How do you sleep at night?
• 42:47
  Eric: Uh uh.
• 42:50
  Eric: Huh.
• 42:51
  Eric: What a good question.
• 42:52
  Matt: No, I mean literally, like how do you sleep at the room?
• 42:54
  Matt: Wait, oh, how do I side back?
• 42:57
  Matt: Oh, my routine?
• 42:59
  Matt: All right.
• 42:59
  Matt: Yeah, uh, because uh let me I've I've realized recently that I have a very specific setup that I that I didn't realize I was doing.
• 43:11
  SPEAKER_05: Uh-huh.
• 43:12
  Matt: And that setup is I so I have these pajamas.
• 43:15
  Matt: First of all, PJs.
• 43:16
  Matt: What kind of PJs you rocking?
• 43:18
  Matt: You rocking them at all?
• 43:19
  Eric: Oh, baby.
• 43:21
  Eric: You just balls out?
• 43:22
  Eric: Oh yes, God intended.
• 43:24
  Eric: Really?
• 43:24
  Eric: Oh yes, the Lord spake me into existence.
• 43:28
  Eric: You sleep nude, really?
• 43:29
  Eric: Oh, I sleep so fucking naked, my man.
• 43:32
  Eric: Does Sam?
• 43:33
  Eric: Oh, yeah.
• 43:34
  unknown: Matthew.
• 43:36
  Matt: I mean, I mean on the reg, you know what I'm saying?
• 43:39
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 43:40
  Eric: No, uh, yeah, well, like we we we hate wearing clothes to bed.
• 43:42
  Eric: It's the worst.
• 43:43
  SPEAKER_06: Really?
• 43:44
  Eric: Yeah.
• 43:45
  SPEAKER_06: Oh my god, it's fascinating.
• 43:48
  Eric: I I love how un shocked I am that you are so fascinated by this.
• 43:56
  Eric: I am fascinated.
• 43:58
  Eric: Do you wear like, what do you wear a fucking three-piece suit?
• 44:00
  Eric: Suit to bed?
• 44:01
  Eric: No, no, no.
• 44:03
  Eric: Wear a journal hoodie with the strings drawn and just like a little hole.
• 44:09
  Matt: Those like checkered like button-ups.
• 44:12
  Matt: I know people do wear like sets of pajamas, but I'm not one of them.
• 44:16
  Matt: That's a lot of things.
• 44:16
  Matt: No, I wear a series of old t-shirts.
• 44:20
  Matt: Okay.
• 44:20
  Matt: Um and pajama pants.
• 44:22
  Matt: And what I do with these pajama pants is uh this is the part that I realized was very specific.
• 44:28
  Matt: Yeah.
• 44:28
  Matt: I I have to sleep and always have, as far as I can remember, with one foot out of the blankets.
• 44:35
  Eric: Uh yes.
• 44:36
  Eric: Yes, yes, yes, yes.
• 44:38
  Matt: And that foot, my right leg, for all of you uh picturing this at home, uh I have my pajama pant leg all the way down, but the leg under the blankets, I have the pajama pant rolled up.
• 44:55
  Eric: So that way so there's so you're you're like a pajama amputee.
• 45:00
  Eric: It's like a weird equilibrium that I have to maintain.
• 45:03
  Eric: Okay, this is wild.
• 45:05
  Matt: I also have to sleep on my back, but that's mainly a herniated disc issue.
• 45:10
  Matt: Yeah.
• 45:10
  Matt: Uh but I've always done that.
• 45:12
  Matt: I mean, I'll I usually wake up on my stomach, though, but not anymore.
• 45:16
  Matt: Do you want to know like what my other weird thing is?
• 45:19
  Matt: Fuck yeah, now that I know you're just fucking just raw dogging it, smacking around.
• 45:26
  Eric: Uh oh man.
• 45:30
  Eric: Well, it's good, it's because like I'm a human furnace, man.
• 45:33
  Eric: Like I I can't like it, I run so hot, like, especially when I'm sleeping, I'll die if I'm wearing clothing.
• 45:40
  Matt: Um, but now I'm not saying I've never slept nude.
• 45:44
  Matt: Oh, well, I'm not saying that at all.
• 45:46
  Matt: I'm just saying I don't normally do that.
• 45:51
  Matt: It's the exception, not the rule.
• 45:54
  Eric: Yeah, no, for sure.
• 45:55
  Eric: Um I just keep imagining your fucking one one half unclad leg and your other fucking.
• 46:08
  Matt: Oh god.
• 46:09
  Matt: So to get that sweet, sweet breeze from the fan that is going nonstop.
• 46:15
  Eric: I have to have a fan while I sleep.
• 46:16
  Eric: That's my other thing.
• 46:17
  Eric: Um, I don't even have it aimed at me most of the time.
• 46:19
  Eric: I have a we have a ceiling fan now.
• 46:22
  Eric: Oh, I'll have the ceiling fan going.
• 46:23
  Eric: I'll be the oscillating fan.
• 46:24
  Eric: I'll tell you this: an oscillating fan that actually is like going back and forth is my nightmare.
• 46:28
  Eric: Because like every time I'm like, uh it's it's anywho.
• 46:35
  Eric: Uh the the way I sleep, I usually start like on my back, but eventually I'll probably like migrate on to onto my side or whatever, is like I wind down.
• 46:44
  Eric: As I'm like, all right, here it comes.
• 46:47
  Eric: Um but when I'm on my back the entire time I'm laying on my back, and I I'm gonna try to describe this for for you, dear listeners, as best I can.
• 46:56
  Eric: The best way I can describe it is I lay like a Dracula.
• 47:00
  Eric: Uh oh.
• 47:00
  SPEAKER_06: Oh my god, with your arms crossed?
• 47:02
  SPEAKER_06: Oh yeah, like hands crossed.
• 47:04
  Eric: Do you?
• 47:04
  Matt: You do?
• 47:05
  Matt: I do, bro.
• 47:06
  Matt: I I I I have stopped doing it.
• 47:10
  Matt: I have stopped doing it as much.
• 47:12
  Matt: But yeah, no shit.
• 47:13
  Matt: I th I I when I when Lindsay and I started sharing a bed, I thought this is one of the things that's gonna make her leave me when she realizes I sleep like a fucking vampire.
• 47:30
  Matt: No, I do, and when I don't really do it anymore, but when I can't sleep, when it's like, you know, I'm there for like an hour and a half, just there with my existential dread.
• 47:39
  Matt: Uh-huh.
• 47:40
  Matt: When I have that moment of like, okay, no, seriously, we gotta sleep.
• 47:44
  Matt: That's when I get the that's when the hands caught.
• 47:46
  Matt: Just just go go to sleep.
• 47:49
  SPEAKER_02: Please, just go to sleep.
• 47:51
  SPEAKER_02: Now I lay me down to sleep.
• 47:53
  SPEAKER_06: You fucking piece of shit, brain.
• 47:55
  SPEAKER_06: Stop thinking about 1997.
• 47:58
  SPEAKER_02: Walking corpse.
• 48:00
  SPEAKER_06: Stop thinking about recess when I was in fifth grade.
• 48:04
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, remember that thing you said to someone and no one laughed, but then someone said the same thing and everybody laughed.
• 48:16
  Eric: That's honest to God.
• 48:18
  Eric: Uh yeah.
• 48:20
  Eric: I do that naked.