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Dear Parts with Dr. Kim Taylor · The Trauma Therapist

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Trauma Therapist Podcast. My name is Guy McPherson.
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: I interview incredible people who've dedicated their lives to helping
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: those who've been impacted by trauma. A big thank you
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: to our sponsors and our guests who are supporting this show.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: So five, four, three, two, and one. Our folks, welcome
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: back to the podcast. Very excited to have as my
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: guest today, Dr. Kim Taylor. Kim, welcome.
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: Thank you. It's a pleasure to be here.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: Awesome. Kim is a physician, author, and endurance athlete. whose memoir,
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: Dear Parts, chronicles her journey of healing from the effects
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: of lifelong emotional neglect. After a serious health diagnosis led
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: her to explore the connection between emotional trauma and physical illness,
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: she discovered internal family systems therapy and began a profound
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: process of self-discovery and healing. Through therapeutic work, letter writing,
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: and deep inner exploration, Kim uncovered the impact of unresolved
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: childhood experiences and learn to reconnect with herself in new ways.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Her work offers an honest and deeply personal account of
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: moving from decades of emotional detachment toward greater self-compassion, embodiment,
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: and wholeness. All right, Kim, share with the listeners where
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: you're from originally and where you are currently, and we
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  Speaker 1: will get going.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I was born and raised in Wichita, Kansas, so
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: I'm right in the middle of the country. I left
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: for schooling. I did my medical school in lived some
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: time in Michigan while I did residency, and then moved
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  Speaker 2: back to Wichita in 2003. And I've been there ever since.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: Okay. So how does all this start for you?
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  Speaker 2: Gosh, well, I just turned 54. And for a large
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: part of my life, I was kind of chasing a ghost.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, I was a hyper achiever. I went right
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: to medical school without even really questioning if that's what
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  Speaker 2: I wanted to do, but it just tapped into my
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: need to prove myself. And, you know, I've had some
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: ups and downs through life, through my medical career, but
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: I was kind of able to keep things at bay
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: until about six or seven years ago when my parents'
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: health really declined. I found myself with a new diagnosis
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: of MS and caring for my parents full time. and
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: just really couldn't cope anymore. The hyper-functioning persona was kind
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: of crumbling. And so I sought therapy. Really, I was
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  Speaker 2: trying to heal my MS through unconventional means, but by
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  Speaker 2: the time I actually got to the therapist's door, it
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  Speaker 2: was also just to survive my life because I really
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: was on the edge with the stress of caring for
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  Speaker 2: my parents. And I'm also in a very stressful job.
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: So it all just kind of came crashing in on
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  Speaker 2: me about six or seven years ago. And, um, a
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: friend of mine referred me to a therapist that does
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: psychedelic therapy, ketamine, which I started. And when I started
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: the therapy, I really was going in with my view
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: of really the drug doing all the work, um, and
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: not really working on myself. Um, but honestly, I didn't
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: know what I had to work on. Like I've done,
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: you know, I'm going to do self work, but it's like,
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: but I don't know what my stuff is. I don't
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: know what to even work on. So really the profound
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: revelation that therapy brought to me wasn't from the ketamine.
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: It was from this understanding of something called emotional neglect
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: and CPTSD, which I had never heard of. But as
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: my therapist introduced that topic, it really set off the
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  Speaker 2: light bulbs that I do have something under the hood
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  Speaker 2: that needs a lot of work. Um, and it really
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: just kind of gave me this opportunity to have a
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: little more self-compassion around it about who I was. So
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: that's kind of how it all started. Um, just life
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: things kind of crashing in on me.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: So you mentioned you went straight to medical school, basically
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  Speaker 1: propelled by this need to prove yourself. Talk a little
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  Speaker 1: bit more about that.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, well, I was an athlete growing up. I played softball.
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: I played softball in college. I spent a lot of
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  Speaker 2: time in the sports medicine doctor's office with numerous injuries.
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  Speaker 2: And I saw medicine as a way to stay connected
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  Speaker 2: to athletics, but also a way, honestly, to make a
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  Speaker 2: good living, to make money. Like I came from a
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  Speaker 2: blue collar background. My parents lived paycheck to paycheck. And
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  Speaker 2: there was a status around being a physician that really
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  Speaker 2: drew me into it as well. I never really thought
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  Speaker 2: to myself, is this really what I want to do?
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  Speaker 2: I just barreled right in. Like, this is a respectable career.
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  Speaker 2: It makes a lot of money. I like athletics.
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  Speaker 1: Why not?
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  Speaker 2: So it wasn't a conscious thought. Like, hey, I need
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  Speaker 2: to prove myself. It was just not thinking about it
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  Speaker 2: at all with that subconscious programming in the background of
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  Speaker 2: proving my worth.
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  Speaker 1: What else was going on for you in your childhood
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  Speaker 1: with your family?
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  Speaker 2: You know, I don't have a lot of really vivid
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  Speaker 2: memories of my childhood, to be honest. And, you know,
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  Speaker 2: I've learned that that's actually not uncommon. So my view
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  Speaker 2: of my childhood is really through the lens and retrospect
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  Speaker 2: of what I understand now. But looking back without that lens,
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  Speaker 2: I really don't have a lot of real memory about it.
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  Speaker 2: I think most of my decisions and motivations for the
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: first 40 years, almost 50 years of my life, were
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  Speaker 2: all driven by subconscious programming that I really didn't know
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  Speaker 2: why I was doing what I was doing. I never
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  Speaker 2: really stopped to question it. I was just doing it.
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  Speaker 2: And as far as, you know, choosing medical school, it
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  Speaker 2: really was, I decided I wanted to go to medical
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  Speaker 2: school by the time I was a sophomore in high
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  Speaker 2: school and never looked back, never questioned it. But I
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: think really probably the biggest thing in childhood that motivated
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  Speaker 2: that maybe was the lack of financial security that my
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: parents had and wanting something better than that. And seeing
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  Speaker 2: other friends with families that had more money. There was
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: a status around having more money. So I think that
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  Speaker 2: may have been the motivation, but I honestly don't know
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  Speaker 2: for sure because I was unconscious to all of that.
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: So you're cruising along, as it were. Until your parents. Yeah.
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: So, um, I mean, I've had some ups and downs.
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  Speaker 2: It wasn't a total cruise. Um, you know, I went
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: to medical school, then I did residency and, you know,
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  Speaker 2: my whole life was really about having a goal in
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: front of me. So it was like, okay, my next
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  Speaker 2: goal is college. My next goal is medical school. My
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: next goal, passing my boards, my next goal, doing residency,
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  Speaker 2: my next goal, getting a job. And as long as
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: I had a goal in front of me, something to
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: strive for and achieve, I stayed pretty level and, you know,
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: high functioning. But shortly after I started practice, it kind
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: of hit me. It was like, I don't have another
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  Speaker 2: goal in front of me. This is it. This is
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  Speaker 2: the rest of my life. This is just, I'm in
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  Speaker 2: practice now. And I hit a major depression from that.
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: And that's what got me into endurance sports. Through my
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: first run through therapy, she suggested that. And now all
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: of a sudden I had a goal. something to achieve again,
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: which pulled me out of that depression. So that, you know,
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  Speaker 2: that was the first one. And I had a couple
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: of other, you know, nosedives, but the, but the crash
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  Speaker 2: that led to this current version of me really started
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: with an MS diagnosis that hit several months after I
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: did my Ironman race in 2019. And then my parents'
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: health was poor and their needs became more and more
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: significant in terms of financial and helping physically with them.
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  Speaker 2: And it was all consuming, you know, the caretaker and
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: being the responsible one in the family kind of was
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  Speaker 2: another persona that I had. And so my life was
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: really about working and taking care of my parents. And
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  Speaker 2: that on top of dealing with an MS diagnosis, it
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  Speaker 2: completely altered who I saw myself as I was no
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  Speaker 2: longer an endurance athlete, I was a chronic illness patient.
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  Speaker 2: And you know, it really kind of messed with my head.
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  Speaker 2: And so I It was the collision of all of
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  Speaker 2: those things together that really, really had me on the edge.
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  Speaker 2: And that's what led to my current walkthrough therapy.
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  Speaker 1: Okay. So what happens when you go to this therapist
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  Speaker 1: with the idea of working on one thing, but something
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: else happens with the ketamine? Walk us through that.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, well, so I went with the intention of doing
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: ketamine therapy. Um, because I always knew there was something
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: under the hood that I couldn't quite put my finger on,
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  Speaker 2: but I could not access it. I'd tried meditation. I've
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: tried breath work. I've tried yoga, journaling, a lot of
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  Speaker 2: these things to kind of get you into your deeper
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: emotions and deeper thought processes. And I just could never
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  Speaker 2: seem to access it. I saw ketamine as a way
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  Speaker 2: to do that. Like get in there to what's deeper,
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  Speaker 2: metabolize it and move on with my life. Like, you know, um,
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  Speaker 2: and yeah. you know, so I walked into therapy and
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  Speaker 2: I believe it was probably the second session when my
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: therapist said that she anticipated working with me for several years.
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  Speaker 2: And I was kind of like, what? No, I mean
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  Speaker 2: like two or three ketamine sessions and I'll be good.
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  Speaker 1: I'm good. Right.
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  Speaker 2: And you know, here I am four or five years later,
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: still working with her. She was really right. But Um, I, again,
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  Speaker 2: I went in with just this, I don't know what's there.
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to do the ketamine and let it dissolve
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  Speaker 2: whatever's under there. and move on.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: Um, just quickly as an aside, share with our listeners
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  Speaker 1: what ketamine does.
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  Speaker 2: Well, ketamine is, uh, it's not technically a psychedelic. It's,
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: it's technically an anesthetic. It's used in medicine and veterinary
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  Speaker 2: medicine in some instances. Um, it's very dose dependent. So
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  Speaker 2: at the super high doses, it is an anesthetic. Um,
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  Speaker 2: but it can have psychedelic like properties. So for me,
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  Speaker 2: I mean, I've done a variety of different doses and
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: had a variety of different experiences, but it, it can
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  Speaker 2: be a psychedelic dose, which just is enough to kind
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: of soften those protectors, those ego defense mechanisms that don't
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  Speaker 2: allow the access to the deeper mind and the deeper emotions, uh,
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  Speaker 2: a little bit higher dose can actually, um, you know,
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  Speaker 2: go deeper than that and, and, um, you know, be
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  Speaker 2: more of a psychedelic experience. And then in a little
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: bit higher dose can actually have like that ego death,
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  Speaker 2: you know, they call it the K hole, but like
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: an ego death kind of spiritual experience. Um, so it,
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: it really is dose dependent on what kind of experience
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  Speaker 2: you have. I predominantly do the lower doses, the psychedelic
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: doses and the mild psychedelic doses. Um, and it just,
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  Speaker 2: it just does soften the defense mechanisms enough to work
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  Speaker 2: with what's underneath.
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  Speaker 1: So what did you experience the first time?
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  Speaker 2: Well, my first, not just the first time, but the
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  Speaker 2: first several sessions. I mean, I've probably done more than
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: 50 ketamine sessions at this point over the last several years.
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: And the first several, even the first year or so,
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  Speaker 2: I was very anxious. We'd get a little panicky going
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: in because I like control and I was afraid of
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: losing control. And I didn't really get a lot of, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: I didn't get a lot of messaging around it. It
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: really was just kind of different colors and shapes. And
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: I had some general sense of anxiety or fear and
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: I could feel, feel myself dissociate away from whatever looked
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  Speaker 2: scary or felt scary, but there was really no memories
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  Speaker 2: or anything behind it. But it was really predominant, predominated
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  Speaker 2: by anxiety and fear. My, my protector parts weren't quite,
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: trusting the process just yet to fully go offline. And
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: when I first started as well, I was doing trochies,
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: which you can administer ketamine in multiple ways. And trochies
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  Speaker 2: are little pellets that you put in your mouth and dissolve,
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  Speaker 2: and it takes a lot longer. So the time to
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: the peak activity of the drug takes longer. So there
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: was more time where I was in there to get
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: anxious as the journey was starting. Now I'm doing intramuscular injections,
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: which kind of has a pretty rapid peak onset. So
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: there's not as much pre journey anxiety time. But the
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: other thing is, is that over time, my trust in
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: the process, the trust that I'm going to come back
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: from it, you know, nothing's going to happen to me
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  Speaker 2: has really grown. Um, and so now I get a
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: lot more nuanced messaging out of my ketamine sessions. Um,
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  Speaker 2: and there is a little bit of a skill to
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: doing psychedelic journeys where, uh, you're not fighting it as
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: much and you kind of allow, you kind of can
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: follow what's coming up a little better.
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: Well, talk to us about this, this understanding that, wait
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: a minute, there's something else underneath here going on here
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: that maybe I need to look at or quote unquote
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: work on.
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: Um, yeah, I think, I think the, the biggest thing
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  Speaker 2: that told me that really was the non-ketamine work around
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: learning about emotional neglect and learning what makes me tick.
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: The ketamine sessions were really helpful in terms of feeling that. So,
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: you know, I don't really get a lot of memories
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: or things like that in my ketamine sessions. But what
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  Speaker 2: I do get, you know, I used to, for an example,
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: I used to really kind of scoff at people when
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: they'd say, I don't feel safe in my body. I
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: couldn't understand that because I wasn't even in my body,
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: you know, like I'm sitting here watching TV. How can
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: you not be safe? You know? But I've had several
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: ketamine sessions where I have put my consciousness in the
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: body and I have felt how uncomfortable that it feels
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: like it really. And it's not like pain here or there.
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: It's just this general sense of ill ease of being
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  Speaker 2: in there, like a constriction, like, oh, I don't like
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: it in here. And I could actually notice myself dissociating
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: away from it again. Or, you know, in other instance,
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: you know, grief would come up or anger would come up.
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: It's like, oh, that's what grief feels like. Or, oh,
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: that's what anger feels like. Things that I couldn't really
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: access on a normal consciousness level, in the ketamine, I
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: could experience those things. So then I brought it out
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: of the ketamine session and was able to better experience them,
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: you know, in normal states of consciousness. Not all the time, but,
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: you know, a preview, I guess. That's been the biggest
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: help as far as the ketamine for me.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: So the book is called your parts, a memoir of trauma,
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: psychedelic killing and coming home to myself. How did you
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: get to the point where you wanted to write this?
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: What did, yeah. Yeah.
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: You know, I, I've always been a pretty good writer
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: and I've, there's just been this tug in me for
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: quite a long time that I had a book in
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: me that I really, there was something about my story
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: that I wanted to tell. Um, And I tried a
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: couple of times before, including right after I started the
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: ketamine therapy, and it kind of flamed out. I just
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: kind of let it go. Looking back now, I realize
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: it's because I didn't have enough of my story ready,
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: you know, lived to really share it. But early last year,
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: I actually went out and did a psilocybin journey. I
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: traveled to do a psilocybin journey. And in that journey,
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: I got this message that, you know, my, my story
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: is unique in that, you know, my life's not going
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: to look like others and that I do have something
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: to say. And I came home from that journey and
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: I just started writing, not necessarily with the, I didn't
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: have it in my head that I'm going to write
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: a book now, but I just decided I'm going to
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: start writing my story. Uh, at the time really was
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: just more of a therapeutic exercise, but it really grew. And,
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: and within I mean, I couldn't stop writing. It was
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: just pouring out. And I wrote the manuscript for Dear
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: Parts in about three weeks. I mean, it was all
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: lived experience at that point. I was recalling what had happened,
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: and it just poured out. And as I was writing,
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: I realized this is a book, and this is a
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: story that I do feel not just comfortable, but proud
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: of sharing, I guess. It's well-earned.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: You talked about your journey and your story. What is
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: it that you wanted to get out or did get out?
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: What came out as you were writing?
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: I think the biggest thing is I think there's an
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: awful lot of people like me that struggle, that don't
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: really understand why. And I've had a feeling of being
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: alone most of my life. And there's just this sense
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: that what I have to say will be an aha
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: moment for a lot of people like me, like the
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: emotional neglect moment was for me. Like, Oh my gosh,
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: there it is. Someone's speaking my language. Finally. Like I
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: say is like the experience of being me was undefined.
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: Like I couldn't explain it to anybody what it felt
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: like until I read it. And like, Oh, someone's finally
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: describing my experience. It makes you feel less alone, but,
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: The other thing is that I've read a lot of
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: self-help books over the years, and they're frustrating in one
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: sense in that this is what happened to me, and
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: this is what I did to heal, and life is
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: great now, and here's how you can heal too. It's
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: that arc of the book. I decided as I was
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: writing that what I would like to do is Show
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: what it's actually like in the middle of all of
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: this as you're healing, because it isn't the pretty red
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: bow at the end of the package that people see
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: in a lot of books. So early on, as I
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: was writing, I decided that that was my goal. I
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: was like, I want to share what this process looks like,
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: my journey. Because there's an awful lot of people going
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: through a similar journey that can say, you know what,
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: I'm not crazy that I thought I was healing and
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: all of a sudden now I'm back here again. That
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: it's normal, that they're not alone, that this is what
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: it really looks like.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: Well, take a moment and tell us, what was that
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: middle part like for you? Give us an example.
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, well, I mean, to be quite frank, you know, feeling... like, oh,
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: I've gotten it. Like, okay, I've learned about neglect and
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: I've really worked with my nervous system. I'm working with
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: my parts and I have so much more self-compassion and
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: I love myself so much more. And, you know, I'm
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: less frozen and I'm, you know, making strides to move towards,
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: I mean, I've written this book and, you know, life
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: is good and I'm really putting myself out there. And,
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: you know, after I finished the manuscript for Dear Parts,
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: I had a major, major, um, upheaval, um, a rupture, honestly,
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: with my therapist that kind of shaked my, my foundation
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: a little bit. And I found myself back in those
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: damaged parts and in the firefighter parts and, you know, not,
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: not that I was actively suicidal but would go to
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: bed just wishing I wouldn't wake up because I didn't
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: want to do it anymore and this was after I
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: wrote the first book so you know the the ups
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: and downs the emotion one day I'm feeling good and
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: I feel like I'm healing and the next day I
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: don't feel like I've changed at all um kind of
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: and that that's very common so.
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: You mentioned emotional neglect. You mentioned earlier on that you
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: really didn't even have any memories from your childhood. What
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: was it like learning about this emotional neglect or discovering this?
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: That was a journey, too.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: Right away, it was.
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: Relief.
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: Um, again, it's like, Oh my gosh, this is finally,
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: someone's actually naming what I've been feeling for, for the
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: last 50 years. And I remember, I mean, she recommended
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: a book and it was called running on empty by Dr.
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: Janice Webb. Um, I listened to it on audio book,
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: driving to Denver. And I mean, I stopped at least
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: four times to sit and journal because it just was
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: such a flood of information that was really resonating with
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: my experience. So initially it was, it was relief. It was,
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: I don't want to use the word joy, but it
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: was like this excitement that finally all of these things
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: that didn't make sense of why I just felt so
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: awful all the time made sense. And then it kind of,
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: it's been a progression. And then, and then, you know,
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: you kind of progress into the stage where it's like, oh,
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: now I'm going to grieve all of this stuff because
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: this was a real thing and it really shaped me.
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: And my life may have looked very different if it
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: weren't for this. And so there's a lot of grief
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: in it. And so it kind of morphed from relief
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: and excitement at like, oh, something real I can work
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: with to getting into the depths of what that really
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: meant for me over time.
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: Just as a reminder, I'm speaking with Dr. Kim Teller.
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: The book is called Dear Parts, A Memoir of Trauma,
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: Psychedelic Healing, and Coming Home to Myself. Kim, this whole
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: subject of parts, did that come to you? Did you
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: meet that with open arms? Or was it like, what
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: do you mean parts? Just kind of like in my body.
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: What do you mean in my body?
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: Well, Yeah. So I wasn't familiar with it till I started, uh, therapy. Uh,
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: and that's one of the modalities that my therapist uses. And, um, initially,
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: I mean, I was pretty open-minded about it, but what
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: I was really skeptical about was my ability to hear myself. So,
• 22:44
  Speaker 2: you know, we'd do parts work and she would have
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: me close my eyes and, you know, try to connect
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: with a part and ask it a question or get
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: information from a part. Um, you know, What is the
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: part afraid will happen if you do this? And I
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: would close my eyes and I would get a thought basically,
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: but I wouldn't trust it because I get so many
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: thoughts all of the time and I had no discernment
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: over what was a real message from part and what
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: was my ego just saying this is what would make
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: sense to say here. So my skepticism around it wasn't
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: the modality per se. I had faith and trust in
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: my therapist and in the process. I didn't have it
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: in myself to do it properly, to get the messaging
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: that I needed, that I wasn't just making stuff up.
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: But over time, when I started getting somatic symptoms, chest squeezing, nausea,
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: things like that, as I was working with parts, it's like, okay,
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: I can't just ego make that up. Um, so over
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: time I started to develop more trust in myself to
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: follow the process and, um, be able to discern. And, um,
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: so now I'm, um, I'm not the best when I'm
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: working on my own. I still, I try. That's why
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: the letters came up is just, that was a way
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: for me to communicate with my parts on my own. Uh,
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: but now when I'm working with my therapist, it's pretty
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: natural flow. Um, and I have complete trust in it.
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: So, Within the context of the book, what did you
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: want to say in terms of parts, your parts?
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: Um, gosh. What do I want to say in terms.
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: Of my parts? And why, just put another way, why
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: dear parts? Well, um.
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: And this is another reason the book kind of evolved
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: because as I was writing my story, I had also
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: been writing letters as a therapeutic exercise for myself to
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: get in touch with my parts and realize that, you know, there's,
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: they belong in the book. Like this is part of
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: what I'm writing. And so in the first book, there
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: are a lot of letters to show like the communication
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: that I'd have between me and my parts or, you know,
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: things that my parts might say to me. And I
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: published them in letter form as I wrote them. And
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: so the title, Dear Parts, was kind of an homage
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: to that, to the letters that are in there. But,
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: you know, parts work has been such a fundamental part
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: of my journey that it had to be part of
• 25:29
  Speaker 2: my story. And I just decided, you know, I'm going
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: to put the letters in here that originally were just
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: written for my own use. Like, no, they belong in
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: the book. So that's what kind of steered the title.
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: of dear heart.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: When you, what's very striking about you, Kim. And first
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: of all, I just want to really thank you for
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: coming on here and sharing your story. Um, you know,
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: reading through your bio with all your accomplishments and I'm like,
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: damn girl sleep much, you know, I didn't do.
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: Do you, as you sit here sharing this, sharing your story,
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: Is this surprising to you to be able to do this,
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: to want to do this, maybe to need to do this?
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: If you maybe go back a decade, would you ever
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: imagine yourself sitting here with this level of self-awareness? No, no.
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: I mean, I started on this journey long before I
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: started going to therapy this time, but it was a
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: very slow moving process and it was really in a
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: different lane. I had no clue what was in store
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: for me, um, with where I'm at now. Um, so
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: if you would have asked me 10 years ago, I
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: would have laughed and said, there's no way. Um, particularly because,
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: you know, I do, you know, my, my words in
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: the book are very raw, um, and, you know, very
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: true to my story. And that includes things that do
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: induce a lot of shame. Things that I wouldn't necessarily
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: talk about with anybody. I kept really tight under the
• 27:13
  Speaker 2: hood for years. And an interesting thing that I've learned
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: through this process is writing it for the masses in
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: a book for the public is less intense for me
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: than sharing the same story with my therapist who I
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: have a relationship with, who I'm sitting next to. It
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: just brings in a little more shame when it's a
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: very personal experience. connection than when it's just a book
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: that's in the hands of some stranger. Um, but if
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: you would have asked me 10 years ago, if I
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: would share those intimate details of my life, uh, with
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: the world, I would have said absolutely no way I
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: wouldn't even share them with you. You know, um, you know,
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: for instance, one, one detail I talk about in the book, uh,
• 27:56
  Speaker 2: is that I was, as a child, I was a
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: bedwetter until I was in junior high. And, you know,
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: that was a very shaming experience that, I don't feel
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: the need to really talk about now. Um, but it's
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: not something that's really, you know, that you're really comfortable sharing.
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: I mean, it's an embarrassing thing. Um, so, you know,
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: things like that, that I include in the book, um,
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: it's a little cathartic, you know, as Brene Brown talks about,
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: you know, you know, talking about it kind of dissolves
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: the shame. Um, so it's, it's therapeutic, but I also
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: have a sense of, of, um, peace knowing that my
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: story could maybe help someone else. Um, so I I'm,
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: you know, I'm beyond thrilled that I was able to get.
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: The words out. Who, who is the book for?
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: Well, predominantly the book is for people like me, people
• 28:55
  Speaker 2: in therapy, people trying to understand themselves, um, better, uh,
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: especially high functioning people who may not understand. why they
• 29:04
  Speaker 2: have the drive, why they can't sit still for five minutes, um,
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: without having to do something. Um, but really anybody on
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: a healing journey, uh, with its ups and downs, they
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: may not resonate exactly with the details of my story,
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: but can resonate with the generics, the shame, the ups
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: and downs, the struggles, the joys. Um, but it's also written, um,
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: it's kind of interesting because I write it from someone
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: from the inside out and the process of in the
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: mind of someone going through therapy. and how I'm learning
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: as I go and processing as I go. But I'm
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: also a clinician and I have a clinician's mind. So
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: I'm also including things that kind of bring in some
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: of the clinical aspects of what's happening because I'm seeing
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: what's happening with how I'm growing, but I'm also seeing
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: it from the lens of attachment theory, which I think
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: a lot of people in therapy really aren't thinking about,
• 29:55
  Speaker 2: you know, that sort of thing in particular. And so
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: I think this book would also be good. It's also
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: geared towards therapists to kind of see the process from
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: inside a client's mind of how we're actually processing this
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: as they're working with us on these things. So it
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: really is geared for both, for both people in therapy
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: and for therapists to kind of get an inside look.
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: Awesome. Awesome. All right, Kim, how do people learn more
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: about you and the book? Once again, the book is
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: called Dear Parts, a memoir. of trauma, psychedelic healing, and
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: coming home to myself?
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: Well, the book is on Amazon and Barnes & Noble website.
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: I do have a Substack account. It's at authorkimtaylor, it's K-I-M-T-A-Y-L-O-R.
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: And I'm on Instagram and TikTok at kimtaylorauthor. And I'm
• 30:50
  Speaker 2: on Facebook as Taylor Wellness Institute, which is my medical page.
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: Okay, and we'll have each of those linked up here
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: At the show notes page at the traumatherapistpodcast.com. Kim, appreciate you,
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: you know, coming on here and sharing your story. For me,
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: I think it's courageous, you know. I don't know if
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: I would come on your podcast and share my story.
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: But I really appreciate you doing it. And it's so inspiring.
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: Well, I appreciate it. Thank you for having me on
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: and allowing me to share a little bit about my story.
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: I appreciate it.
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: All right.
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: We'll be in touch. Take care.
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: Thank you.