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115: Two Annoying Guys! · Breaking Mayberry

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Boo, Hello, and welcome to another episode of Breaking Mayberry, the show
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that was injured at halftime and came back without any clue where it was,
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but gave a magnificent performance out of nowhere. Yeah, I'm one of your
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hosts. I'm Marty Schneider, the Breaking Mayberry, the show from Philadelphia with
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no bitterness whatsoever, the show that's handling things great, the show that's doing
0:36
just fine. The show that without with zero irony, suggested multiple times today
0:42
that there should be a congressional investigation into the NFL's referees. Yeah. So
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the show that's thriving really in fact, maybe you guys have the problem.
0:52
Maybe it's you. Huh, We're doing great. The show that's getting increasingly
0:57
defensive, the show that had a party anyway, just to show that we're
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better than the others. We lost the super Bowl, folks, I don't
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I don't know if you know what we're talking about. Philadelphia lost the Super
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Bowl and on a bullshit call and like one of the most disappointing endings to
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a Super Bowl game I've ever seen. Yeah, a game that had been
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fantastic up until that point. I got my best rioting clothes on. I
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was going to go be amongst my people, and instead I did the slow
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death march home amongst people, walk of shaming something. That's why I didn't
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go anywhere. Yeah, I didn't go anywhere because I was hedging my bets.
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I was like, you know what, I'm staying home. If I
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need to march down Broad Street, it's right there, and if I need
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to go to bed, it's also right there. Yeah, that's why.
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That's why I didn't go anywhere. But like since then, just this weird
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little bit of bitterness through the whole city has permeated where it's just like,
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yeah, well we're still Philly and we it's better to be us than Kansas
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City anyway, which I suppose is probably true. Yeah. Like, so
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as you can tell, we're dealing we're dealing with it. Great. The
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vibe here is ten out of ten. It's really everybody here has been so
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nice for like the past three weeks that it is just a hard crashing about.
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Like, actually, I want to take back all my human kindness.
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I'm going to be twice as mean to make up for the fact that I
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said you looked nice on the street. You didn't look nice and in fact,
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give me all your money. Fuck you. I don't know, man,
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I feel like the Super Bowl vibe here has been It's different than like
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when the Phillies were in the World Series. Like the lead up to this
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felt a little bit on edge. When the Phillies were in the World Series.
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When we were playing baseball, everybody was like, go Phills, Go
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Phils. Hello, well there's a song that we're seeing in come on,
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get happy. Like the whole city was very sunshine rainbows. In the past
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couple of weeks leading up to the Super Bowl, it's been like like like
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you're having a good time, but the kind of good time people on cocaine
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hat. Yeah, you know, like like we're all happy, we're all
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up and enjoying this, but that can crash at any point. Yeah,
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so quick quick note Philadelphia. Philadelphia has now lost three three major sports championships
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in a span of four months, the MLS Cup, the World Series,
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and the Super Bowl. Two of those were on the same day. So
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let's go sixers. So I was worried. I knew we needed an intro,
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and I was worried that we would going to get sucked into complaining about
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the Super Bowl because that's the vibe that we both bet in today. So
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to make sure that we had something to talk about today, I did something
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kind of drastic, Marty. I got a tattoo. Um, yeah,
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yeah, so what you got? Episode saved? I'm shooting it over to
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you right now. Oh that's cute. You you got you got the you
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got the note face tattoo on the back of your leg, which all right,
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yeah, kind of a dumb place for a tattoo, Like everybody I
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want. It's my first tattoo. And I literally thought about what it was
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going to be for like five seconds because I was going I like it.
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Yeah, I was gonna go with the uh, the Magnola skull, like
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the way heat the way the Hellboy guy draws skulls for a little bit and
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it. Brandon kept being like, I support the decisions that you want to
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make, but are you sure you're the kind of person that can put a
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skull on their body? Are you sure that meets with your vibe? And
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I was like, yeah, I think it's a good idea, but the
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way everybody looks at me whenever I say it indicates it's probably not. It's
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it's hard to do that it's hard to pick like a tattoo for like what
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kind of vibe you're putting? Yeah? Right, Like, did I ever
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tell you about my dad's tattoo and what I did with a radio show?
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No? Okay? So so my father has. My father several tattoos,
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um, and they're all ranging in quality. I will say this, but
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the most notable one is that my my dad is very into At the time
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of this, he had two big hobbies. One was sci fi, the
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other was mountain biking. My father has a tattoo on the back of his
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leg where you have your two too? Can I can I guess? Can
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I guess? Yeah? Yeah? Can I'm gonna say that it is I'm
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trying to. I'm gonna say, uh, the guy from Blade Runner doing
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a really sick jump on a BMX. Okay, so you're halfway? Yes,
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halfway? Which did I get? The Blade runnerpart is wrong? Damn
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it? One more try, one more try. It's not Darth Vader because
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your father wouldn't wouldn't get a Star Wars tattoo. The xenomorp think think more
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generic. You're you're, you're you're putting like an actual specific alien in there,
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But no we're going more generic. Is it just an alien on a
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bike. It's just an alien. It's just a little green man on a
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mountain bike doing a wheelie and given the peace sign. It is actually it
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is actually the logo of a mountain bike race in Roswell, New Mexico,
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which under those can't contexts makes perfect sense. But my father, my father,
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who has not been in that race as far as I know, this
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has a tattoo of like a clip art alien give given a peace sign,
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do want to jump on a mountain bike? And I say that out loud,
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and it's sick as that. It could be better as if he's smoking
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a joint, if he's high as hell. It does look like something that
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belongs on a T shirt. You get a wild wood. As I get
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older, I get a new appreciation for this stupid, stupid tattoo. But
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adding more dad's stuff to it, just like just it seems like it would
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have a speech balloon that would just say like school sucks or some shit like
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that. But but in my twenties I called into a local radio show in
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you know, central Oregon that was just like two guys doing kind of a
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rogan thing, but not quite as like, you know, two like kind
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of radio afternoon shock jocks or whatever, and they were talking about bad tattoos,
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and I called in. I did exactly what. I just didn't describe
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this tattoo to them, and they got a kick out of it, right,
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these two radio DJs. So much so that like a month later,
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I turned on the radio, this classic rock station, and I heard both
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of them saying, I mean, this was bad, Alien on a mountain
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Bike bad, but it was pretty bad, so they were still using it
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as a point of reference for terribleness. A month later and I was just
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like, God, this is a classic rock station. God, I hope
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Dad doesn't listen to this. It's thought like a podcast where I can say
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it and I know for a fact he'll never hear it. Ye oh God,
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did you ever hear it? Did it happen? Did a hit?
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I don't. Nope, nope, this is not to my knowledge, it
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hasn't. What if. It's just like you stopped listening, but it just
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got bigger and bigger, and then by the end they're just like and now
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it's the Alien on a Dirt Bike Comedy Hour. Yeah, we're gonna hang
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out, We're gonna talk about bad tattoos like that alien on a bike.
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Yeah, that was kind of what it was. And again it was weeks
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later. You know, I can, I can bring it up during one
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episode. The odds of my dad hearing it are slim to none. Yeah,
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but if they keep referencing it, my dad's gonna flip through the radio
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dial at some point. Yeah. Yeah. So I've been holding off on
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getting a tattoo for like since I was literally eighteen, because somebody on the
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internet said the rule of m you have to want your tattoo idea for a
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year before you get it to make sure you don't get something stupid, which
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I followed and it prevented me from getting a led Zeppelin tattoo when I was
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eighteen. I think, all in all pretty good because I don't really listen
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to led Zeppelin anymore, and I realized that, yeah, that's a pretty
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dad tattoo to get pretty dad tattoo. But then it turned out to be
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terrible at because after that I was like, Okay, well I don't I
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didn't get a led Zeppelin tattoo. Great, awesome, that worked, but
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then it kind of ruined it for me because turns out. I don't like
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anything for more than a year. This is the problem. Yeah, I
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think, I think, I think what you gotta do with this is just
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kind of accept like the risk, right, just accept the risk that whatever
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you put on there, you might feel weird about it later on in life,
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and that's just something that you're you're just gonna go through with, right,
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Yeah, it's just a memorial. It's weird of a person you were
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in twenty fifteen. All right, So that was fifteen minutes of talk about
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tattoos and super Bowls. Yeah, that's good enough. That's enough for an
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intro. Welcome to Breaking Mayberry, a program where we talk about the Andy
9:58
Griffith Show and other baby boomer television. And today we are doing two episodes
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that are kind of the same episode, you know, Yeah, both of
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these, both of these kind of like boiled down to aunt b invites an
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annoying guy to come over. Yeah, we're doing season five, episode three
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and season five episode five. We're skipping episode four. I want to get
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a guest for it, but we might not. Um, But anyway,
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I'm glad we put these two together anyway, because they work well together,
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especially because they were also both directed by Howard Morris. By the way,
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is Ernest T. Bass the actor who plays Ernest T. Bass. Yeah,
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yeah, Oh he sucks at this. He's not great at it.
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No, he's really bad. Oh I'm glad he's I'm glad he's expanding his
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range. He's he should stick to acting. He's not good at this.
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Yeah, he's not good at this. And I would say if he is,
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as much as we hate his character, good at being Ernest T.
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Bass. Like, okay, so we're starting with okay, normally, I
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think I think we're gonna go in order on this one. Right, We're
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gonna start with season three or episode three, Family Visit originally airs October fifth,
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nineteen sixty four, written by Jim Fretzel and Everett Greenbaum and directed by
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Howard Morris. And here is your one sentence summary from Wikipedia. Aunt Bee's
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sister and her overbearing, obnoxious family come to visit from out of state.
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That's it, and that's and that's it, right, Like this is this
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is an aggressively nothing episode like this, this episode, basically both of these
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episodes together kind of become like this show is getting increasingly dad, and this
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is like the most dad pairing of episodes of just like, I don't like
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it when people stay in my house and they don't respect my rules. I
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don't care for it. There's a you know, they're they're treading on my
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authority, they're not respect to me. I can't get into an overt conflict,
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so I just gotta kind of grumble and deal with it. Not a
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fan, not a particular issue. I'm not very upset. I'm just kind
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of upset all the time. Yeah. Like Andy's reactions to these are just
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really strong, ah brother and they really kind of fall under and he's like,
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no conflict ever rule right. Yeah. Um so episode one or episode
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This episode opens up with aunt Bie, Andy and Opie sitting on the porch
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watching everybody go to church, and they're like, hey, buddy, enjoy
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enjoy church. Yeah we went to the early service. Yeah, so we're
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hanging out here, have fun. There's a funny bit where Opie h spoils
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cane enable. Yeah for a kid, it'll be like, hey, we're
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doing they're doing a surmount cane enable and this is really big and face like
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run it spoiler alert. It's adorable. But also I like that joke.
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Andy is like shut the fuck up. Shut up. Like he's not like,
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shut up, Opie, you little rascal, don't tell him the play.
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He's like, Opie, shut the hell up. Yeah, doesn't.
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Continuing uh is season five trend of being a bad dad, and then Auntie
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starts getting wistful because she notices a family that's like four generations of people named
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Claude, Claude, Senior Claude, Junior Plaine Claude, and little Claudette.
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Yeah, they go by toad naming rules apparently in this family, but Plain
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Claude, who should be Claude the third, they just call him Playing Claude.
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They talk about how maybe they call him Playing Claude because he's just so
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homely, and they're like, oh, he's not that homely. Whatever,
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wet fart. Anyway, aunt Bie starts going on a tangent here where she's
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like, you know, we never have family come over. Opie's never met
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any of his cousins. Oh, Andy, you haven't seen any of your
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cousins for fifteen years or so, will you? Boys? Used She starts
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to being nostalgic for they talk about how his cousin works on oil rigs all
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over the country and Opie's like, does he ever work in America? And
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uh, Andy just basically says, like, no, he had a brutal
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divorce, so he doesn't come into the continent the United States anymore. Yeah,
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he kind of says it like as a gag, like as something to
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do with a with a girl in Cleveland, Ohio gag. But he kind
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of treats it like, no, he can't enter the country. Yeah,
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kind of, that's the vibe, is like, no, illegally, there
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are warrants out for his arrest, so he needs to stay in international waters.
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If he sets foot on foreign soil, he's in trouble. And you'll
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notice that all of the countries that I just listed they don't have extradition treaties.
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So you know, it's like he likes to say in South America,
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Hong Kong, Thailand, France for some reason. Yeah. Uh you know,
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everything's cool. Don't don't look up his name, don't don't don't ask
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around about him. You might hear some stories about the Cleveland slasher. Don't
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worry about it. Anyway. This all culminates in Auntie going, you know
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what, I'm going to invite my sister and her husband to come stay with
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us with their kids for a few days, and so they do. They
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invite her sister Nora and her brother in law Allie to visit, and they
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have two kids who are a little bratty like but basically they have bratt energy,
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but they don't do anything. They don't do anything. They don't do
15:37
anything. They like, look, I'm looking. I'm looking at the Mayberry
15:39
fandom and it says they show up with their rotten kids there and Andy tries
15:43
his best to these kids don't do anything. They look like little bastards.
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I'm not you look one look at those kids faces, and you're like,
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your little shits that do terrible things all fucking day. I mean, I
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want to hang out with these kids, but there their worst thing is they
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are they are not very well behaved. When they are forced to share a
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twin bed with two other boys, they're like, I want to stave in
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the middle, and then one of them is his knee and Opie's back,
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um, and it's like, yes, yeah, they're being little shits,
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but also they're sleeping. They're sharing a bed that is barely containing the three
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of them. Fuck off by get a sleeping bag, you assholes. Yeah,
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I don't know why. I don't know why no one was crashing on
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the couch. The Mayberry wicki ultra reliable Mayberry Wiki pointed out that like there
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is a fourth bedroom in the in the Griffith House or in the Taylor house,
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like they have a guest room. That's where Gomer stayed, but that
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when whenever the plot is convenient, that that bedroom will disappear. Yeah,
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it will disappear so that we could get the imagery of Andy like in bed
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with this giant, weird penguin man, this annoying penguin man. So most
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of the frustration comes from all who is a very annoying Person's a very irritating
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person. Alie rolls it, the family rolls in, and they're all saying
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hi. And one weird interaction I like clocked was, uh, Alie walks
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in and Andy just goes like, oh, hey, you're fat and all
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he just goes like, yeah, I'm in you're kind of fat too.
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Look at you got a belly and he's like yeah, I got belly.
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Uh, and then they just kind of move on to the other thing.
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But it was just like a really weird interaction of like, hey, we
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both got guts woo. I think I think that's how a lot of like
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Baby Boome reunions go, right, Like, I think a lot of a
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lot like high school uns are just like, hey, we look the same
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but fatter now, yeah, look at us the time immediately noticed. Yeah
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yeah, And that is always basically the most confrontational and direct that Andy gets
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with them through the entire time of just like casually mentioning that Alie is fat.
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All these just kind of a weird shit head, yeah he uh.
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He steals the squad car to go fishing, and he like won't stop blaring
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the sire and even after Andy tells him not to. He hangs out at
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Andy's job and like plays with the guns a lot, and he hassles people
18:12
that come into play to pay parking tickets. He points a rifle right at
18:18
Andy, right, Yeah, this is a dude who hangs out. Quick
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note, Barney Fife is in neither of these episodes, and like, this
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is a dude who hangs out with Barney Fife all day. And this is
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what made Andy go, okay, man, let's let's put that gun in.
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Yeah, put away. Just he was pointing a shotgun at his face
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and dry firing repeatedly. Yeah. Meanwhile, Nora keeps trying to hook Andy
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up with like girls that he likes back home. Which, by the way,
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let's talk about this, because like Nora, Nora won't shut up about
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how hot Andy is. It's very weird. This is her, this is
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her nephew. Yeah, okay, so hers Pacific opening. So they they
19:02
enter the kitchen. First interactions. She says, you were such a handsome
19:07
boy and you turned into a handsome man. And I knew you were going
19:10
to be a handsome man because of how handsome a boy you were. Handsome
19:14
boys turned into handsome men, so so handsome. You were such a handsome
19:18
boy who turned into a handsome man. And Ali just basically comes in and
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you're allowed to say that once you are Yeah, you say, you say
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you were a handsome boy and you're a handsome man, and then you probably
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if you need to keep talking about it, you stay on the handsome man
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point, not you don't keep circling back to handsome boy. But I mean,
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she just keep finding ways to say hand It feels like nobody wrote this
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part. It feels like this scene is ad lived. Yeah, they just
19:48
gave her one rift to go on, but yeah, no, basically,
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her entire thing is just talking about how hot Andy is. And she keeps
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trying to hook Andy up with girls from her hometown, even after she's notified
20:03
that he has a girlfriend. And she says like, I know so many
20:07
girls back home who would just love to get married to you. And Alie
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counters this by saying, no, he's single out here and just crushing it.
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He's like, basically, he's like, you can't send him up with
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one of your with one of your friends. When would he find time to
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crush pussy all over town? Like I assume he's doing. I've been in
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his kitchen for five seconds. Except except he does sign off on hooking him
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up with one girl because she has she's a widower with a life insurance policy
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of four thousand dollars life insurance policy and a taco truck or like an ice
20:44
cream truck, a bakery truck, and bakery truck. There they're having a
20:48
conversation about this and and he's like, well, you know, I'm actually
20:51
in a relationship, and Andie goes like she's the local school teacher. And
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Allie says, you know what they say about school teachers, and uh then
21:02
his all his wife whose name I'm blanking on, says well, and Nora
21:07
says, well, this woman is a widow, and he goes, you
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know what they say about widows, at which point I was like, I
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want you to tell me what they say about both of these things. I
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don't know what they say about either of these the way the way he's saying
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you know what they say, it's it's not that they're very caring and loving
21:29
partners. It's that's not really the implication. It's like, you know what
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they say about widows? They do anal like it's really that is the vibe
21:40
that he gives off, which it's super gross, Like Nora is already being
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fucking gross and weird by just like getting really all about Andy's dick as soon
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as she shows up, and all he is making it weirder. They're doing
21:59
kind of a weird alip. I think that's the difference between the annoying people
22:03
in this episode and the annoying guy in the next episode, which is that
22:08
like that guy is annoying, yes, but these two are annoying and gross
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and off putting. Yeah, these two there, and that's why I can't.
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By the way, I gotta say, don't watch this episode. I
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didn't want to watch. And since I feel like every year there's like one
22:23
or two episodes of the Andy Griffith Show that's just like, what if a
22:26
guy came from from from a different town and he sucked? Yeah, what
22:33
if? What if we spend half an hour with a guy who sucks?
22:36
And it won't that be fun? And it's not like they're worky. It's
22:41
not like they do weird so like Ali doesn't sleepwalk, or like Ali doesn't
22:48
have like some sort of head injury that makes him think that he's like a
22:52
general in the Weimar Republic. There's no way there was the there was the
22:56
there was the bad luck guy, the bad guy bad luck. That was
23:00
it. Allie's deal is just that he's a very unpleasant person to be around
23:06
in a very realistic way. And there's not really jokes about it. They
23:11
don't really get into bits. It's just like Alio shows up and he's just
23:15
like, I'm gonna make a really annoying noise for let's say two minutes,
23:18
and both Andy and the audience need to sit here and deal with it.
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And like, by the by like the ten minute mark, I'm like,
23:27
okay, I actually need Allie to shut the fuck up. He's cousin Eddie.
23:33
He's like the impetus for cousin Eddie. Yeah, but like but not
23:37
funny. I really can't emphasize enough is how really deeply unfunny Ali is as
23:45
a person. He's just a very real, annoying guy that you have probably
23:49
encountered in your day to day life. You do not need this man to
23:52
be written. You know him. You have met Allie and you hate his
23:56
guts and you got out of that conversation as quickly as possible. He's probably
24:02
your uncle, yes, you know, you know the uncle that you don't
24:06
particularly like and you kind of avoid at family gatherings. Introducing a written version
24:12
of that. Congratulations. You are paying money to encounter that guy now.
24:18
Anyway. The solution for all of this, by the way, is the
24:22
stupidest shit imaginable. Andy, Here's a news report on the radio while they're
24:29
listening, and the news report says there have been escaped convicts and they are
24:33
in the area, by the way, and the voice of the news report
24:37
is also Howard Morris. If you listen, you're like Okay, you can
24:41
hear the earnesty bass in it. They escaped in some kick ass way,
24:47
like they turn they fashioned a gun out of a bar of soap or something.
24:49
They did something shit all. He's like, well, what are you
24:53
gonna do in a situation like this, Andy? And Andy is like,
24:59
probably enough, yeah, he closes, He closes his newspaper and turns off
25:03
the radio. He's like, more than likely they'll go the other direction,
25:07
so we don't need to worry about this. Yeah, which again, Andy,
25:11
just fucking care about anything, Just just have a reaction to like anything.
25:18
Ever. I really The radio comes on and the announcer says announcing the
25:25
rash shit is happening over on the other side of the screen, just like
25:30
slightly out of frame, there's a car chase. These super villains are able
25:34
to fashion ordinary objects into weapons, like their bullseye. They're throwing staplers at
25:41
the police and killing them instantly with headshots. It's fucking awesome. Oh man,
25:45
I sure wish you could see this the audience. And Andy's like,
25:48
and that's enough of that radio off, back to this uncomfortable family drama.
25:56
Like he's just sitting there like he's reading the newspaper the whole time, and
26:00
he's like, Ah, I can't concentrate on the jumble. Sure wish rad
26:07
shit would stop happening, but yeah, and Alie starts bragging like, I
26:11
tell you what. He's started to think, if if those I wish those
26:15
criminals would, I wish they would. If those criminals did come this way,
26:19
you and me, Andy, we'd take care of him, wouldn't we.
26:22
We'd take that shit. We'd really handle that. And and he's like,
26:26
yeah, sure man, whatever, Okay. By the way, by
26:30
this point they have extended their stay from a weekend to a week I'm just
26:33
gonna say, well, also, by the way, remember how Auntie was
26:37
the whole impetus for this whole thing. She disappears, Yeah, fucks right
26:41
off, She fucks right off this whole thing. Before we go to Andy's
26:45
solution, I just want to I just want to point out there have been
26:48
multiple chances for Andy to express any sort of dissatisfaction with these people. For
26:55
example, Norah at one point says like Andy's driving them around in the cop
27:00
car, Allie keeps churning on the siren and uh Nora says Allie, and
27:07
he clearly wants you to stop playing with the siren. Andy just tell him
27:11
to stop doing it, and he's like, uh, you know, it's
27:12
fine that he keeps doing that, but if he wants to stop, it
27:15
would be pretty cool. But you know, he can do what he wants.
27:21
It's a free country. And and another time they're like, we're going
27:26
to extend our stay for another week and Andy just goes like, I guess
27:30
that's fine. You know, it's not ideal for me, but you know
27:34
whatever, whatever, you guys just happy. Yeah. The weird the weirdness
27:38
of this is that, like I really I went into this thinking, like
27:45
Andy Griffith, Andy Taylor is like the dad, He's the man's man.
27:48
He's like he's daddy. He's gonna put everything in its place. He's gonna
27:53
like set things right. Andy Griffith, Andy Taylor in this season so far,
28:00
Oh bitch, he's so hard. You can do anything to him that
28:06
you want. At least don knots at least Barney Fife will get aggressive.
28:11
At least he'll like yell, you know, and then hell, and then
28:15
he'll simper away. Yeah, Like he'll express modest amounts of dissatisfaction with the
28:19
state of things, you can do anything, and and and and. Basically
28:25
for both of these episodes, Andy's solution is to just sit around and see
28:30
what happens. In this case, the very next scene, he gets a
28:33
phone call uh, and he's like, oh, cool, you caught those
28:37
criminals. Cool, thanks for letting me know. I was just hanging out.
28:41
And then he gets an idea and he's like and he phones, he
28:44
phones home and he's like, hey, tell Ali, those criminals are coming
28:48
this way. And then Alie packs up their shit and they run away.
28:52
It's that it's the only funny part of the episode where Alie He's basically like,
28:56
Ali, I'm gonna be at the apartment in two minutes. I I'm
29:00
grabbing an extra gun. You and me are gonna have a standoff of the
29:03
criminals and Ali. They hard cut to Alie throwing all of their shit in
29:07
the car and saying, I left the gas on at the house. We
29:10
gotta go back and get it. Uh, Like we have to leave now,
29:15
and him and then he like throws his family in the car and drives
29:18
away. So that's how Andy solves it. You know. The stinger of
29:23
the stinger of this episode is Auntie and Andy hanging out on the porch going,
29:27
oh boy, glad that's over. Yeah, man, it really sucks
29:32
to have your family over. And then they Aunty answers the phone, Oh
29:36
hey, Nora, we loved having you over here. Please come and hang
29:40
out with us again in the holidays and stay for a weekend. And Andy
29:42
just rolls his eyes. Do do do? That's it? This is like,
29:47
you know what, fine, that's fine. That's a very realistic like
29:49
your mom has definitely done that exact same thing. You know, It's that's
29:53
fine. It's it's not funny, but like it's relatable. This is I
29:59
mean, it is a I'm pretty sure this is like Andy is the man's
30:03
man like house is my castle type dad, Because this is ultimately what those
30:07
dads do when you actually like infringed upon their authority. Is just if you
30:12
press them whatsoever, they just mope into the den. They yeah, they
30:15
go mope. And then later they bitched their wives about how like I don't
30:19
want them to be here. You shouldn't have invited them. I told you
30:22
I didn't want them to come over. Clara, God damn it. I
30:26
mean just scroll through our slash am I the asshole and you'll see, you
30:32
know, many stories of men doing this exact thing and then blowing up at
30:36
their wives and saying, am I the asshole for blowing up at my wife?
30:41
Literally, he could have just said, Hey, you can't stay here
30:44
another week just because I don't want my son to have to share a bed
30:48
with two other boys for a fucking week. Yeah, I don't want to
30:52
sleep in a bed with you anymore, dude. Yeah, this is weird,
30:56
This is weird, uncomfortable. Yeah, are you having a good times
30:59
sharing a bed with another man? For some reason, we haven't invented the
31:03
king bed yet, we only have queens everywhere arguing no one no, no
31:07
one on the couch, No, nobody on the couch. Nobody would find
31:11
it preferable to sleep on the floor. We all have to share beds with
31:14
each other. You don't want to You don't want to share a bed with
31:17
your actual wife? Maybe no? Ya? Cool? All right, Well,
31:21
um that doesn't work for me. I mean, I mean, I
31:26
know, I know that. Like it's the sixties and you're not gonna show
31:27
this, We're not gonna put it married couples together. But like Andy goes
31:32
and sleeps on the couch, the married couple sleeps in Andy's bed the end.
31:36
Yeah. Whatever, so dumb, so fucking stupid. These people suck.
31:41
Everybody here sucks um. But that's that's Ali and his deal. Okay,
31:48
now let's move on to do we do have anything else to say about
31:51
this one? I have nothing to say. This isn't an interesting episode.
31:53
No, it sucks. We I think we covered it. Okay, now
31:56
let's move on to episode five five of season five. Aunt Bee's Romance,
32:02
also directed by Howard Morris, written by Harvey Bullock. Originally airs October nineteenth,
32:07
nineteen sixty four. Aunt Bee resumes her romance with an old flame,
32:12
Roger Hanover, a practical joker with a suspicious background. Wait, no,
32:17
no, what mart Marty, Marty, hold on, hold on? Are
32:21
you telling me that this is an anti episode? This isn't aunt Be?
32:24
No, yes, yes, you tell me this is an AMPI episode an
32:29
episode. It's right in the title. It's right in the title. Are
32:32
you telling me that this is an episode in which MP is horny? This
32:36
is an aunt B horny episode? Are you telling me that this is an
32:40
episode where a horny ant B has sex with a drifting con man? Yes,
32:46
yes I am. We're back, baby, Yeah, like we're back.
32:57
Start play start playing Rihanna in the background Season one plot, Baby,
33:02
We're all the way back playing the hittiness. WHOA, let's go, except
33:10
not no, no, because after the initial bit, once again, Ampie
33:19
fucking disappears from this story. She's not in the okay named after her,
33:25
but she fucking disappears real quick. By the way, Roger Hanover is played
33:30
by an actor named Wallace Ford. And if we want to do a shut
33:32
up and play the hits here, let's go ahead and look at Wallace Ford's
33:36
personal life section of his Wikipedia page. Because this was Wallace. Ford's final
33:44
appearance on television was on The Andy Griffith Show. After the death of his
33:49
wife in February nineteen sixty six, Ford moved into the Motion Picture and television
33:52
country House in hospital at Woodlands Hills, California, and died in the hospital
33:58
there of heart failure. Four months later. His body was buried in an
34:01
unmarked grave at Culver City's Holy Cross Cemetery. This is actually what it says
34:08
in his in his Wikipedia page. So playing the Hits with the like well
34:14
of human misery that is every guest star on The Andy Griffin Show. Why
34:19
is that grave unmark? What the fuck? You clearly know his name?
34:24
Why? Yeah? Did he die? Penny Listen estranged from everyone he loves
34:30
so that nobody would pay for an engraving, and they just thumped a peak
34:34
piece of rock over the place where they dumped his wet body. Is that
34:37
what it is? Hell? Yeah, we're back baby. I'm I'm saying
34:42
that this man was in several movies and television shows, all of which have
34:46
his name on it. It's not like you can't identify him. Yeah,
34:52
an unmarked grave sounds extremely like he was murdered and dumped in a ditch.
34:58
So he was buried in an unmarked grave because we knew that if people knew
35:01
where he was, they were going to vandalize the grave site. He did
35:07
things that were unforgivable and we could not let people know where his final resting
35:12
place was. God. I really liked most of this episode. I really
35:15
liked a good chunk of this episode. And then right at the end,
35:17
it takes a fucking hard left to Assholeville. Like I watched the I watched
35:23
this episode just basically the entire time, going like just fucking deal with it.
35:27
Andy, Just deal with it. Just deal with it, Andy.
35:30
I know, I see your facial expression. I'm telling you right now,
35:35
Andy, just fucking deal with it. Just don't. Really. I was
35:37
screaming at the TV as well. I was like, just let this woman
35:40
be happy and this guy out of the problem. Is like as soon as
35:45
Aunty was like, oh, look at me, I might be experiencing happiness.
35:50
Maybe I'll get married, I was like, oh, damn it,
35:52
they're going to take this away from her. Fuck. So so this this
35:57
opens up with Andy and Opie hanging out there in the living room. The
36:01
mail comes, Opie gets the mail. There's a little bit about Opie getting
36:06
like a coupon book because it's addressed to occupant Pint and he's really excited that
36:09
I'm an occupant whatever. I really like this joke. This is a very
36:14
funny bit where Auntie gets a letter and she can't make out the return address,
36:21
so she doesn't know who the letters from. So rather than opening the
36:23
letter, she sits there and goes Ralli, Ralli, who do I know?
36:27
And Raleigh it can't could it have been Linda? No, Linda's not
36:30
writing letters with her Arth write this, and she goes on for a bit
36:34
and Andy's just yelling open, open, open, opened the letter, open
36:38
it, open it. I thought this was very good. I thought this
36:43
was good. I thought Fantas Bobbier was really funny. This is a very
36:45
like Grandma thing to do. I liked that. That that a lot,
36:50
I was gonna say. And and the bit continues to be funny because she
36:52
opens the letter and then she goes, oh, I'm so surprised. Oh
36:57
he wrote me, he wrote me? After all the yes, Andy,
37:00
can you believe he wrote me? And Andy goes, yeah, I guess
37:06
seems like the kind of thing he would do. Yeah, he's actually it's
37:09
like having fun. All of this is very funny. I really liked it.
37:15
Francis Bobber gets to do something for fucking the first time in three seasons,
37:20
you know. Uh. And so it is. It's a letter from
37:23
her old bow, her old boyfriend Roger Hanover. Uh and uh, she
37:30
says, you know, basically like hey, I was just you know,
37:34
heard you around, just looking you up, heard you in Mayberry. Figured
37:37
i'd write you soup soup basically a you up text? Yeah, yeah,
37:43
exactly, you up. Well look at that Andy. She he wants to
37:47
know if I'm up. Yeah, oh so charming. I am up.
37:53
It's true. Should I mail him back a winky face? Undy? Do
37:57
you think it's it's you know, it's so funny, Andrew, it's so
38:00
funny. Andy, I'm up, but I'm also down, you know what
38:05
I mean? It's pretty good. Yeah, And and I really can't an
38:16
emphasize enough that Andy's general demeanor hearing all this is like, oh my god,
38:22
this is the first interesting thing to happen in like three months. Oh
38:27
my god. Yeah. Yeah, he's like general Bibe is like Andy is
38:34
trapped in a hell of boring people that he hates, and he's just like,
38:37
oh my god, somebody's plot is advancing. Fuck yes, fuck yeah,
38:43
right there with change in this molasses like life of mine. I'm right
38:46
there with you, buddy, right there. I was also like, hell,
38:50
yeah, something's gonna happen. Yeah, like maybe I know as a
38:54
part of the structure of the show that aunt By will not experience real last
39:00
thing happiness, but maybe some fleeting joy in her hollow life. Yeah,
39:05
let's go and and everything to build up this is really good, Like,
39:10
you know, everything involves Andy saying okay, well, uh, you know,
39:15
you're gonna ride him back, and she goes, you know, at
39:16
some point if I get around to it, okay, by now, and
39:21
like she immediately goes to a pen frantically scribbling on a piece of paper.
39:24
You know. Andy starts hat guards, you know, teasing her gently a
39:28
little bit when she finds out that Roger's coming, and he's like, okay,
39:31
so you excited. You're gonna have fun, and and he's like,
39:37
oh, this isn't a big deal. It doesn't matter. It's just a
39:38
present. Who's hanging out the house. People hang out of the house all
39:40
the time. Doesn't matter. And he goes, yeah, okay, hey,
39:44
what time you go into the beauty parlor nine o'clock. Hey, it's
39:47
good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's like good.
39:51
Remembered that Andy Griffith and Francis Bouvier have good back and forth and to earn
39:55
her capable of banter for fox sake, that for their personality, you know
40:01
that the old Lady, that the the old Spinster character actually is like distinct
40:07
from the other types of dudes on this show and actually has like unique jokes
40:13
that they can do. Francis Bavier is so funny. I watched this and
40:20
I kept thinking about the uh. I kept thinking about the prison labor episode
40:23
where she follows, you know, the around the house, the criminals around
40:27
the house with the whistle yelling get to it. Yeah, it was hilarious.
40:30
She goes toe to toe with Hal Smith, who is probably the best
40:35
comedic actor on the show. Yeah, and and and wins. You know,
40:39
like and she gets like these five fucking minutes to and they don't let
40:45
her do anything. No wonder she hated this show. No wonder she hated
40:50
Andy Taylor or Andy Griffith. You know, like they don't let her do
40:54
anything. And here's like she gets to do some stuff, you know,
40:59
and then Roger shows up, and Roger is annoying. Yeah he's but he's
41:05
like, but he's like grandpa annoying. He is, you know, he's
41:09
literally the guy that dated my grandma when I was in high school. Just
41:14
he's in a permanent state of getting your nose. Yeah, you know,
41:17
old guy, bad jokes. Fucking deal with it, like, welcome,
41:22
welcome to having an old guy date your grandma. Basically, this is what
41:29
it is. They do. Weird dumb jokes all the fucking time, and
41:32
you just get through your life. In fact, I'm gonna tell you right
41:37
now, if you watch this show as a child, you don't get to
41:39
be mad at Roger because you are Roger. Now, yes, right,
41:44
you absolutely are Roger. You're absolutely going up to your grandkids and being like,
41:47
hey, give me five on too slow, Marty. Are the jokes
41:52
even that fucking bad? They're not. They're not that bad, he tells.
41:57
He tells him be a dirty joke, a Canada dirty joke. He
42:00
says like, hey, hey, what did the mirror say to the dresser?
42:06
And then she goes, I don't know, and then he whispers something
42:08
in her ear and she goes, oh you're bad, and they go up.
42:13
You know, by the way, the punchline to that joke is I
42:15
can see your drawers. Yeah, but you know whatever. That's a day.
42:20
Andy sits down, and he sits down to dinner or to breakfast,
42:23
and Rogers hiding behind a newspaper. And then he pulls down the newspaper and
42:27
he's wearing a gorilla mask and he'll take me to your leader, which doesn't
42:30
make any sense, but also Grandpa jokes whatever, in terms of grandpa jokes,
42:37
this guy's bringing heat, all right, it's a low bar to clear.
42:40
It's a low bar. They're they're usually pretty bad. And you know
42:45
what, he's not doing the knock jock joke, all right, a lot
42:47
of a lot of what you get from grandpa jokes, knock knock jokes and
42:51
shit like that, bad riddles. He's actually putting his back into it.
42:54
They're not landing, but you know what, for the circumstances, they're pretty
42:59
fucking good. Yeah, I've got nothing against Roger. He's fine. He's
43:06
annoying, but he's fine. Yeah, you know whatever. Yeah, Andy
43:12
is like very like gets sick of Roger shit real fast. Yeah, which,
43:17
and then he goes to complain about this. He just goes to his
43:22
best buddy and not at all an annoying person. Floyd. Yeah. Oh,
43:28
Floyd just kind of extremely vacantly just does not absorb any information. Post
43:35
stroke, Howard mcneer played Floyd foward to catch up. Howard mcneer had a
43:42
stroke. They had to leave Floyd off the show for like a season and
43:45
a half. He came back. He's always sitting now because he can't really
43:51
stand up for long durations of time, and they made the interesting decision that
43:57
this version of Floyd does not own understand literally anything happening around him at any
44:02
point in time. I don't think that that's unique to post stroke Floyd,
44:07
though. Like pre stroke Floyd also had maybe a ten percent of comprehension of
44:12
what was going on at any point. Yes, but he was mostly it
44:15
was he was understanding the world around him, experiencing it, becoming weirdly horny
44:21
about everything Floyd was. Floyd was reacting to stimuli. He was just doing
44:25
it wrong, that's true. Yeah, this version of Floyd is um uncomfortable.
44:36
He's gonna say it like unpleasant, but but you might as well just
44:38
be talking to a magic eight ball. When you talk to this version of
44:43
Floyd. It's weird. He's he's like a snow globe pretty much. He's
44:46
not. The things he hears and say do not in any way correspond to
44:52
what is happening outside of him. All of that being said, I really
44:57
like I did like this scene with Floyd. I liked it. And Andy
45:00
and Floyd go back and forth about who said a famous quote that was said
45:05
by Mark Twain, and Floyd says something like I thought it was Calvin Coolidge.
45:09
Nah, no, Mark Twain said it. Did he get it from
45:14
Calvin Coolidge? No? No, no, Mark Twaine lived before Calvin.
45:17
Oh, then he couldn't have done it. They run into they run into
45:21
Roger and Aunt b. Andy's Taylor's disposition at the end of this conversation,
45:25
it's just been like, oh, my fucking god, it was Mark fucking
45:29
Twain, like just like like he can't get through any interaction without just being
45:34
annoyed by the end of like Jesus fucking Christ, I said it the first
45:37
fucking time when all of you people shut up. He's just in a constant
45:42
state of mild rage just for the remainder of the show, which is why,
45:46
Like when he runs into Roger and Aunt b the very next minute coming
45:52
out of the grocery store, he's like, man, I just don't want
45:55
to deal with your ship. By the way, Roger like this elect did
46:00
to come by and help aunt Be with the grocery shopping, which is more
46:04
than I've ever seen you do, Andrew, son of a bitch. So
46:08
anyway, so I don't know. He tells them dumb joke and then he
46:12
fucks off and Floyd says, oh what a nice fellow, Oh what a
46:16
weird fellow, and and and he just goes off and gives like the most
46:20
emotion I've seen for like a year. It was like, I fucking hate
46:22
that guy, Floyd. I gotta tell you, Floyd, I can't stand
46:27
his asshole. Which the next scene is um Opie and Andy in the living
46:34
room, and Opie is just like, so, you don't like him,
46:36
right? And Andy's like, well, you know, being respectful to people,
46:39
and he's a guest in our home and I want to be nice to
46:44
people regardless of things. And Opie's just like, so you hate him?
46:46
Good? Cool? I hate him too, all right, Listen, we're
46:51
on the same page. And I like this scene too. I like I
46:57
like that they're they're playing and having fun with Opie now that he's older,
47:00
Like Opie getting older is actually working because Opie can be a little bit of
47:02
a smart ass sop He can like challenge his dad on things which no one
47:07
else does. I was waiting for the next thing he said to just be
47:12
like, so what are we gonna do about it? Old man? Like,
47:15
are we killing him? What's the plan here? Okay? But but
47:20
like like, like what while they're doing that, like while they're having that
47:22
conversation, uh, Ampie is like doing dishes in the kitchen, and Roger
47:30
volunteers to help her. Yes, says, yeah, I will help you
47:35
wash them, I'll dry them. I'll help you with this, with some
47:37
of this labor, which nobody in this house has ever done. She kicks
47:42
him out, but like he gives him, like gives her like a squeeze
47:45
and a little kiss on the back of the neck. It's cute. They're
47:49
cute. I really enjoyed this. And I'm sitting there like you, like
47:52
we said before, just saying, shut the fuck up, Andy, shut
47:55
up, Like this is a good son of us, such a good thing.
47:59
Let this woman be happy. She raised you. You fucking owe her.
48:04
She doesn't unpaid labor around your house all fucking day. Just let her
48:08
have happiness, you son of a bitch. Yeah exactly, And like I'm
48:13
just screaming, let her have that. I just said it. I see
48:16
Andy, don't you fucking dare, don't you dare meddle with this? Because
48:22
I wanted this so bad for her. I wanted happy to have something I
48:25
wanted. Francis Bovier to have something to do. Meanwhile, while they're while
48:30
they're doing the dishes, Andy is trying to like attach a plug. He's
48:36
doing some electrical work, like he's got to attach a plug, tie a
48:37
plug to a to an electrical chord or whatever. And Roger comes in and
48:45
he looks at that and he goes, ah, yeah, you're doing some
48:49
electrical work. Hey man, you want to be careful with that. You
48:52
might want to want to get a whole nother chord. Yeah, you're you
48:54
screw that up. It could light your whole house on fire. You know,
48:57
like you know the thing that like people do men do when you're working
49:00
on something and they just kind of like look over your shoulder and tell you
49:04
what you're doing wrong or whatever, that annoying thing that grandpas do. Yes,
49:07
and then he takes the Then he takes the chord. He's like,
49:12
noah, let me try it, and he breaks the chord. So I
49:15
want to take a pause here. Yeah, we've now gotten two annoying guys
49:20
who are just up in Andy's business all the time. May remind you,
49:24
Barney Fife is not in either of these episodes. Are either of these men
49:30
as annoying to have around in your life, as Barney Fife is. Neither
49:36
of them are a clear and present danger to you or your family. That's
49:40
what I feel. Ali is. Ali definitely is to a minor degree,
49:45
no more than any uncle. Really, Ali does point a rifle at Andy,
49:52
like all these gun tactics are enough to make Andy stand up and go
49:58
okay, man, no, no, no more than nanny uncle. Really
50:00
okay, fair enough, fair enough, so but yeah, no insane lunatic
50:09
that has no sense of boundaries and is constantly and has organized two ambushes on
50:15
you to announce that you are getting married. So that's so that that's my
50:20
point, right, Like, and Andy, Andy, your best friend is
50:22
the most annoying plant man on the planet, and your second best friend is
50:27
Floyd, and your third best friend is Gomer. You are surrounded by annoying
50:30
people all the time. Everybody in Mayberry is annoying. Shut up. This
50:36
is this whole experience that he's having is basically like, is basically him just
50:40
being like, oh my god, this is why I'm glad my dad is
50:44
dead. Like like, it's basically just like, okay, dude, welcome
50:49
to being over thirty and having a dad. Like this is what it's like,
50:53
congratulate, welcome to the human race. That one got uncomfortable you Okay,
50:59
but oh yeah, I'm fine. But I said I'm glad my dad
51:02
is dead. I was talking through Andy. Just want to make sure,
51:07
just want to make sure that this is about Andy and not something else.
51:09
Okay, No, no, yeah, my dad's super dead. No no,
51:14
no, like this is this is just dad behavior, is what I'm
51:16
saying. This is dad's do It is deeply dad behavior. Right. He
51:21
criticizes him trying to do minor electrical work and then interferes and breaks it like
51:27
welcome, cool, Fine, this is what it is. Does Andy have
51:30
a dad? I'm assuming he's dead. No. But they just talked about
51:37
how Opie has never met any other members of his family, right right,
51:42
right, right, But they didn't mention that grandpa and the only we know
51:45
that aunt b raised raised Andy. So did Andy ever know his father?
51:50
Has his Andy's grand as Opie's grandpa ever been mentioned, Opie's grandpa has to
51:53
have been mentioned, right at no point, no mention of it, no
51:57
mention of his Okay, grandpa's grandma. Andy, Andy never knew his father.
52:02
That might explain quite a bit yeah. Why, He's like, what
52:06
the fuck is going on here? There's an older man getting into my business.
52:10
How I'm not supposed to tolerate this, Sam, I definitely not for
52:15
longer than three days. Here's here's where this all fucking comes to a head,
52:21
right, this is the left turn to Assholeville. I previously mentioned Andy
52:28
is hanging out on the porch and Roger's getting up in his business and Andy
52:32
comes close to a confrontation and he says like, hey man, what are
52:37
you doing? Like, what's next for you? You were in Raleigh,
52:43
now you're in Mayberry. Where are you going next? And I assumed he
52:46
lived in Raleigh, so I didn't understand why suddenly it was just like up
52:51
in the air what he would be doing. He basically opens by saying like,
52:53
hey man, quick question, are you homeless? Yeah, there's a
53:00
lot of subtext to this converence, a lot of subtexts, and I had
53:01
to figure that right. In fact, like the Wikipedia once in summary describes
53:07
him as a practical joker with a suspicious background. But what is like,
53:13
up until this moment, I didn't see anything suspicious about the background. And
53:16
that's why what happens here comes out of fucking nowhere, and it made me
53:22
so mad, the hit job, the character assassination they're doing. I'm a
53:25
boy here. The conversation comes in phases where first Andy asks, hey,
53:31
are you homeless, and he basically goes like a little bit, I was
53:37
in Raleigh, now I'm here. I was gonna go to Florida after,
53:40
but I'm having such a great time with Aunt B that I think I want
53:45
to stay here, to which Andy goes h and he goes like, in
53:51
fact, I was thinking of asking her to marry me, uh huh,
53:57
and she will definitely say yes, in which case I think I'm probably going
54:02
to end up living in your house unless you said you didn't want me to,
54:12
in which case I would respect your wishes. Of course, then you
54:15
would have to give me four hundred dollars for train fare, so I would
54:20
leave. And then they have a long stare at each other and Andy goes
54:24
like, well, you'd better go proposed to her. So it is basically
54:31
Andy kind of challenges be like, what are your intentions? Are you on
54:36
the up and up? Are you actually I think that you might be here
54:39
under illicit terms, to which Roger just basically goes like, actually, I'm
54:45
running the most insane con that anyone has ever come up with. This con?
54:52
What is the plan here? The old old lady shuffle. Step one,
55:00
I'm gonna write my old girlfriend. Step two, I'm gonna hope she
55:05
invites me to stay at her house. Step three, I'm gonna be mildly
55:09
annoying the whole time. Step four, I'm going to irritate her adult nephew
55:15
that I didn't know existed so much that he pays me to leave. Or
55:22
step five, I marry her. Nope, what the fucking long game?
55:28
And that's why he wasn't going to marry her because Andy says, go ahead
55:30
marry her, to which he goes in and just goes like, well,
55:34
I'm leaving. And then he comes back out and he asks like, so
55:37
do you ever play poker? And yeah, because he called because he called
55:40
his bluff. Yeah, and he's like, I actually used to be pretty
55:44
good at poker. Um lending lending credence to our Andy Griffith former con man
55:50
theory. But also, this is a stupid con. This isn't insane con
55:53
like Andy Griffiths show. Con men just basically do bizarre or hail Marys.
56:00
They're just like, like the way you were a con man in like in
56:05
the sixties was just like I'm just gonna go into into town and I'm just
56:09
gonna start handing out free apples to everybody, and then, through an insane
56:15
series of coincidences, I'm going to end up with a guy's car. Cha
56:22
And this comes out of nowhere. Yeah. Right, we've given We've been
56:27
given no hints so far up until this point that there was anything elicit about
56:32
Roger's being there and all. He like his greatest crime at that point is
56:37
making Aunt be happy. Yes, yeah, like he he makes Ampi extremely
56:45
happy. He is a great and loving partner who I'm sure is just hitting
56:51
her back walls like crazy, um and and splitting the labor yes, and
56:59
splitting party. I'm just I'm just saying. I'm just saying like he is.
57:07
He's taken on you know, most He's doing his share of the work
57:13
in the kitchen and in some other rooms. That's all I'm saying. Yes,
57:16
the man takes care of business. He is a He is as generous
57:24
in the kitchen as he is in the bedroom. Yeah, sure, just
57:29
come right and say it. We can edit that out if I stepped on
57:32
your bit. We can we can we just like stay here like we love
57:37
Roger. I don't know if I love Roger, but I'm on board.
57:40
He's good for m B and he pisses off Andy, and at this point
57:46
I like one of them and hate the other. So he's okay in my
57:50
book at adding Roger to the long list of Andy Griffith antagonists who we are
57:55
like all four Yeah, basically like he's he's helping out around the house.
58:02
He's earned the right to criticize your your shitty electrical work and honestly, the
58:07
fucking the electrical work thing taken the cable and ruin in it. That is
58:12
exactly a Barney Fife move. You could have taken every line of that dialogue,
58:15
given it to Don Knots and played out the scene exactly the same.
58:20
Okay, we are we have glossed over Roger's true the final straw that Roger
58:24
did that bring this brings this whole thing to a head. Andy has a
58:30
bunch of petunias that he is planning on planting in his garden, to which
58:35
Roger says, I would like to help. I'm very good at planting petunias,
58:39
to which Andy freaks the fuck out and goes so fucking ballistic more than
58:47
he did when Olie twenty fucking minutes ago pointed a gun at his head and
58:52
pulled the trigger. Says, listen to me. You might have opinions about
58:58
electrical work, but nobody questions me when it comes to planting petunias. People
59:05
come from all over the county to hear me talk about petunias. So I
59:10
don't want to hear about any of your petunia opinions. These are my petunias,
59:15
and I'm gonna plant them. And this sounds like one of the ones
59:22
where I'm paraphrasing we're putting a little extra mustard, but barely barely. He
59:28
has this unhinged petunia monologue, to which Roger justifiably goes like, all right,
59:35
man, I was just trying to help, but I just wanted to.
59:37
And then later, when they're having their like intense like standoff, like
59:43
it's a scene in heat, Rogers like, maybe we'll see about me helping
59:47
with those petunias after all, motherfucker, and Andy goes like, no,
59:53
that can't happen. The worst case scenario, another man helps me plant flowers.
1:00:01
A couple of notes here. Number one, Andy has not shown any
1:00:07
interest in gardening whatsoever. This entire like show, we've been doing this for
1:00:13
five years, is the first time he's ever mentioned a garden. Yeah.
1:00:15
Number two is petunias a euphemism. Is this of Georgia O'Keefe. Shit,
1:00:21
when when he's when Roger talks about not not with Andy, not with Andy,
1:00:27
but when Roger talks about touching petunias, I feel like Roger's talking about
1:00:30
touching some petunias. Yeah, right, maybe petunias and a rosebud. If
1:00:35
you if you you didn't think this metaphor through, because he did not,
1:00:38
then Andy is talking about being the reigning authority on his aunt's vagina. I
1:00:45
hope. I think. I think I think that I think that Andy is
1:00:47
not like aware of people who went from all over the county to ask my
1:00:52
opinion on my aunt's pussy. I don't. I don't think people don't around.
1:00:58
I don't think Andy's in on it. I don't think Andy's in on
1:01:00
the bit, but I think Roger is. Yeah, I think I think
1:01:04
it's that that that line that we uh that you just mentioned, where he
1:01:08
says like I'm gonna get into those petunias after all that I think is in
1:01:14
U window. Um. So that's point two. Um. Point three is
1:01:22
I'm reading a comment from the ultra reliable Mayberry wiki that was made in April
1:01:28
of twenty twenty two. This is my least like ags. Dot dot dot.
1:01:32
I hate it, dot dot dot. I don't watch dot dot scumbag
1:01:37
dot dot Roger dot dot dot. Andy the sheriff should have arrested him after
1:01:42
Roger tried to blackmail him out of four hundred dollars dot dot dot. I
1:01:45
hope it was a good lesson. At least these guys hate Roger. That
1:01:51
reads That reads like the message that's coming through a seance or by Morse code.
1:01:57
Yeah, like a telegraph. Okay, So part of the reason why
1:02:01
I hate the little twist here that Roger has to be a douchebag is other
1:02:07
than that. Like, if it wasn't for that, it's just Andy hates
1:02:10
this guy for no reason. Right, The show twists its own logic,
1:02:15
just twist itself around so that Andy is justified in his behavior. Like other
1:02:22
than this, the only strike against him is Andy doesn't like this guy,
1:02:25
So we gotta flip Heaven and Earth. So that because Andy Taylor can never
1:02:31
be wrong. It's like the writers just kind of Andy Taylor needs to be
1:02:37
right in a situation where he is mildly inconvenienced, so the writers just kind
1:02:43
of come in and make up a magic penalty that justify Andy and give him
1:02:49
the win, much like the rest with the Goddamn Chiefs. Sorry sorry,
1:02:54
sorry, So anyway, so Roger fucks off, and there it does.
1:03:05
I do really like the ending. Um. I think it actually like like
1:03:09
actually sort of ties the whole thing together because Andy goes in and he's like,
1:03:13
so, you must be really bummed that Roger is leaving, and she
1:03:16
was like, oh no, man, I thought he was gonna ask me
1:03:19
to marry him, and no, thank you. A little bit of that
1:03:22
guy goes goes a long way. I'm really happy he's leaving, and and
1:03:28
he's like, oh hell yeah, Like because you know, Andy is actually
1:03:34
a human being that is able to understand the world around her and is aware
1:03:37
of everything happening and isn't completely oblivious. I like I like that too,
1:03:43
you know, I like that ultimately the decision was hers, yeah, and
1:03:46
it does mean that like Andy was letting that play out to see what was
1:03:52
going to happen. It's just man's it's just such a hard fucking turn out
1:03:58
of nowhere. I had to watch the scene twelve, I'd like backed up.
1:04:00
I was like, did I miss something here? What the hell just
1:04:03
happened? And so I mean, it's just it's just a poorly written thing
1:04:08
and it makes me mad. Uh, aunt b can't have nice things?
1:04:13
But yeah, I do like that. Ultimately it came down to her decision,
1:04:16
and she was like, no, you know what, it didn't come
1:04:19
down to her decision. No, Ultimately she had no agency in this.
1:04:24
Yeah I say, I say that, but no, because he didn't ask
1:04:27
her. He just kind of came in. I was like bye, So
1:04:30
she never got the opportunity to say no. The magic trick of it is
1:04:33
like if you had given Auntie agency, she would have sorted this whole thing
1:04:38
out. Yeah, Like yeah, and what and what a better episode ending
1:04:43
that would be? Of course that would also make that would also make Roger's
1:04:45
con make even less sense. Yeah, I don't know, it's it's it's
1:04:50
it's just bad writing. It's just you Roger, not be a con man.
1:04:55
You should have had Andy just basically be like, I don't want aunt
1:04:59
B to marry this guy because he's annoying and ampy to just like turn him
1:05:03
down and be like, well, yeah, he's fucking annoying. I like
1:05:06
him, he's a nice guy. He fucking recks me, but you know,
1:05:11
he's annoying. I don't want to spend my life with him. That
1:05:14
would have kind of worked, Yeah, yeah, it would be resembling an
1:05:17
episode anyway. Yeah, very frustrating. It's a very frustrating pair of episodes
1:05:23
to put together, Like, just what if there were two annoying guys?
1:05:29
Also, I want us want to slide this, slide this in here.
1:05:31
I know we talk about I know we talked about how easy it was to
1:05:35
be a writer in the sixties. But man, seriously, was there nobody
1:05:41
around checking just to go, hey, man, we just did an annoying
1:05:44
guy plot line, like two weeks ago. Yeah, save this one.
1:05:46
If you aired two episodes of a TV show that were remotely close in plot
1:05:54
today within three weeks of each other, the internet would riot these. Okay,
1:06:00
you would get fired. Both of these episodes are not television show plots.
1:06:05
They are airing of personal grievances. That's true. Basically, the writer
1:06:11
came in on both of these and was just like, hung out with my
1:06:14
uncle. I wrote down everything he said or did, and now Andy is
1:06:18
also going to deal with it. I just want America to know that my
1:06:24
uncle Roger will change his name to Olie is a real piece of shit,
1:06:28
and I wish I could run him out of town with a fake crime.
1:06:31
That these episodes aired in October, so it's not Thanksgiving, but some writers
1:06:38
had very annoying Fourth of July barbecues and that was that was how we got
1:06:44
this. I just had to deal with an annoying old man. And now,
1:06:47
so are you okay? We're in this together, you sons of bitches.
1:06:51
This was my weekend, Now it's yours. Let's go. I like
1:06:56
I like the idea that Harvey Bullock saw fritzl and Green bombs script. It
1:07:00
was just like, well, if you get to talk shit, you're about
1:07:02
your uncle, so do I. Yeah, it's just airing of personal grievances
1:07:09
and just processing petty slights against them and their masculine authority through scripts, all
1:07:18
right, put it that way kind of rules. Yeah, No, imagine
1:07:23
if you could just imagine if you could just roll into your job and just
1:07:26
write down everything that happened that week that you were not completely happy with and
1:07:31
then just be like and film this. What the fuck do you think we
1:07:39
do every week? Dan, That's what this podcast is. Yeah, basically
1:07:45
we imagine, imagine, but first significantly more money and much more audience reach.
1:07:54
Yeah. On that note, ratings, let me feel about some ratings.
1:07:58
Uh, season or episode three Family Visit Andymeter, this episode sucks two
1:08:06
two and it's all for that uncle really packing the car scene. Yeah,
1:08:13
all the all the good writing is in that. It's one of those things
1:08:16
where they came up with the end of the episode and the end of the
1:08:19
episode kind of rocks and just they were just like, and I'm sure there'll
1:08:25
be some funny ship beforehand, but it's all just set up for one punchline
1:08:30
that's good but doesn't really land. Barney Meter, I'm giving a zero.
1:08:34
There's nothing like bad about this. This didn't do any psychic damage to America
1:08:40
like one Vietnam. You know, yeah, the Vietnam War was currently happening
1:08:45
as this was happening in the background. Plus plus so give it the Vietnam
1:08:48
bonus. Yeah, war crimes were happening. I don't know if Agent Orange
1:08:53
had started being dropped at this point, but we can't. We have to
1:08:55
assume. But other than other than the Vietnam bona, yeah, there's there's
1:09:00
nothing nothing here. Yeah. Uh Episode five, Ampies Romance, h andymeter
1:09:05
on that one. Seven. I mean I liked everything that was happening up
1:09:12
until that, like weird, like left turn out of nowhere. I'm gonna
1:09:16
give it a five. I think just it wasn't very funny. Oh I
1:09:20
thought it was funny. I didn't think I thought I thought everything that Roger
1:09:27
was doing was like it was like relatable, but it wasn't really funny.
1:09:31
I was never laughing during it or particularly enjoying it. But I didn't hate
1:09:35
it. So five, I'll say five. I'm gonna go with the seven.
1:09:38
I liked it a little bit more, and again minus the Vietnam bonus,
1:09:42
A zero on the Andy meter or on the on the Barney meter,
1:09:45
like there's nothing didn't do any damage there. Yeah, the depriving an old
1:09:51
woman of agency is probably something, but I mean, yeah, that didn't
1:09:58
really have resonating effects, you know. So one for Vietnam, young men
1:10:03
were dying in a foreign country, conscripted a war they did not sign up
1:10:06
for, and rich people were getting out of serving through phony medical claims.
1:10:15
So yeah, one one one for this. Yeah, you're really gonna take
1:10:19
all right, We're doing that Vietnam bit until the end of the war,
1:10:23
got it. Yeah? Okay, So that's it. That's this one.
1:10:26
That's this round. As always, you can find us on the internet Facebook,
1:10:30
join our group Breaking Mayberry Fans, and hey, if you're gonna join
1:10:35
the group, please actually answer the questions and say that you like agree with
1:10:41
the rules. We've been getting a lot of people applying lately who I think
1:10:44
are secretly actual Andy Griffith fans that aren't reading anything Twitter. We are still
1:10:49
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1:10:54
back into Instagram at some point. Email us Breaking Mayberry at gmail dot com
1:10:59
and give us ratings and reviews. Oh, we do have a new Patreon
1:11:02
subscriber to thank you. Thank you very much Kelly for signing up. Kelly
1:11:10
will get access to our discord server and also access to all of our bonus
1:11:14
episodes, have the ability to vote and make us watch things of their choice,
1:11:19
etc. Etc. And several other bonus things that happened throughout the year.
1:11:25
So beat like Kelly and support us with your money dollars. That is
1:11:30
it. I think I'm good. Are you good, Dan? I'm good?
1:11:35
Okay, Thanks as always for listening. We'll be back in a couple
1:11:40
of weeks with a brand new episode. We're bringing back Earnesty bass, so
1:11:44
that'll be a fun one all right. Until then, we will see you
1:11:48
all down at the fishing hole. I might make you go back and do
1:11:57
that again. Oop rhythm, rum bumper or rhythm or don't better ba people
1:12:29
people, But it was rom