Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #2: How Gratitude Can Make Your Family Happier

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#2: How Gratitude Can Make Your Family Happier · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: This is the Happy Families podcast. Hello and welcome. My
0:07
Speaker 1: name is doctor Justin Coulson, and this is the podcast
0:10
Speaker 1: that's dedicated to making your family happier. So let me
0:14
Speaker 1: ask you a quick question. Are you a person who
0:17
Speaker 1: gets caught up in the pursuit of perfection? You want
0:20
Speaker 1: perfectly behave kids, a perfectly tidy house, and a perfectly
0:25
Speaker 1: responsive spouse. Maybe you're the kind of person who gets critical,
0:31
Speaker 1: wants everything to be right, and when it's not right,
0:33
Speaker 1: you get a little bit annoyed, a little bit frustrated,
0:34
Speaker 1: and say a few things that aren't necessarily helpful. Or
0:38
Speaker 1: perhaps maybe you just find that the challenges of life
0:42
Speaker 1: get you down. Well, the answer to these and a
0:45
Speaker 1: range of other problems that we face in family life
0:48
Speaker 1: may be gratitude. Whether it's the kids getting whiny, the
0:52
Speaker 1: kids saying that they hate their siblings, they hate their teacher,
0:54
Speaker 1: they hate their friends, they hate that you won't give
0:56
Speaker 1: them what they want when they want it, Well, the
0:58
Speaker 1: answer to all of these issues may be gratitude. Today's
1:03
Speaker 1: podcast is about gratitude. I'll tell you why it matters
1:06
Speaker 1: and how it can help in just a minute.
1:08
Speaker 2: Have you been wanting to attend one of doctor Justin
1:10
Speaker 2: Coulson's parenting workshops that so far your schedules simply haven't aligned.
1:15
Speaker 2: Then let him come to you. You can have one
1:18
Speaker 2: of Australia's most respected parenting experts in your loundroom. Learn
1:23
Speaker 2: how to build a strong connection with your children, how
1:25
Speaker 2: to really understand them, and how to discipline them in
1:28
Speaker 2: ways that teach and that everyone can feel good about.
1:31
Speaker 2: Plus you'll have all of your parenting questions answered without
1:34
Speaker 2: even leaving your loundroom. Organize some friends and enjoy an intimate,
1:38
Speaker 2: thought provoking, fun evening in with a parenting expert in
1:41
Speaker 2: your loundroom. Visit happyfamilies dot com dot au slash loundroom
1:46
Speaker 2: for more information, or email Kylie at happyfamilies dot com
1:50
Speaker 2: dot you.
1:51
Speaker 1: For several years, in our family, we have spent time
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Speaker 1: during our evening meal discussing gratitude. I'll start off the
1:57
Speaker 1: conversation normally by saying to one of the children, so,
2:00
Speaker 1: what were you grateful for today? Tell us about it now.
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Speaker 1: Every now and again, I'm a bit preoccupied. I'm too tired,
2:06
Speaker 1: or I'm stressed or dealing with other things, or perhaps
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Speaker 1: I'm just not in the gratitude sort of frame of mind,
2:12
Speaker 1: and one of the children invariably will dive in, well
2:14
Speaker 1: that hasn't said it, it's my turn. And so usually
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Speaker 1: our five year old or our six year old, or
2:19
Speaker 1: one of the younger kids will say to one of
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Speaker 1: their siblings, so what were you grateful for today? And
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Speaker 1: they'll start the conversation off. Gratitude is one of our
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Speaker 1: family's principles. We've decided that our family is a grateful family,
2:31
Speaker 1: and so gratitude gets a lot of airtime at our place.
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Speaker 1: Let me tell you a little bit about why. A
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Speaker 1: two thousand and eight study of two hundred and twenty
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Speaker 1: one children compared the life satisfaction and school outlook that
2:46
Speaker 1: sixth and seventh grade has had. They were randomly assigned
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Speaker 1: to one of three different conditions. They were assigned to
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Speaker 1: list five things that they were grateful for every day,
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Speaker 1: or five daily hassles, or just five things that happened
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Speaker 1: during the day, and they made their lists for two weeks. Well,
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Speaker 1: what were the results. The grateful group ended up showing
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Speaker 1: that they were much more satisfied with life and they
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Speaker 1: were significantly more positive in their school outlook. Gratitude seemed
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Speaker 1: to be related to much better outcomes in life for
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Speaker 1: these kids in grade six and seven. A twenty ten
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Speaker 1: study of over one thousand students found that high levels
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Speaker 1: of gratitude were related to high academic achievement. Also, high
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Speaker 1: levels of gratitude were related to reduced depression symptoms, less envy,
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Speaker 1: and higher levels of positivity. In fact, since the late
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Speaker 1: nineteen nineties, there have been dozens of studies and they've
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Speaker 1: demonstrated pretty clearly that gratitude makes us and it makes
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Speaker 1: our kids much happier. It makes us more satisfied with life,
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Speaker 1: it makes us better off in our relationships. Gratitude is
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Speaker 1: actually also related to being healthier. People who are grateful
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Speaker 1: and more likely to exercise, believe it or not, and
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Speaker 1: they're also more productive and they do better at school
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Speaker 1: and at work. So gratitude seems to lead to better
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Speaker 1: life outcomes and more happiness. But is it that gratitude
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Speaker 1: is giving us better things in life or is it
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Speaker 1: that people who are happy and successful are more grateful
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Speaker 1: and that includes children by the way, Well, the answer
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Speaker 1: is both. It's actually a relationship that works both ways.
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Speaker 1: People who are grateful are happier, and people who are happier,
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Speaker 1: are more grateful. It's really hard, when you think about it,
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Speaker 1: to be grateful and also feel miserable. They can't occupy
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Speaker 1: the same space. You can't be sad and feeling like
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Speaker 1: the world is on your shoulders and also feel tremendously
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Speaker 1: grateful for all that you have. And it's also really
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Speaker 1: hard to be genuinely happy without feeling good about what
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Speaker 1: it is that makes you happy. I think it was
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Speaker 1: the I think it was the Dalai Lama who said
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Speaker 1: the secret to happiness is not having what you want,
4:56
Speaker 1: but in wanting what you have. Now, there are a
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Speaker 1: few things that get in the way of us being grateful,
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Speaker 1: and researchers have tried to uncover what it is that
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Speaker 1: gets in the way of gratitude, and the answer is,
5:10
Speaker 1: at least in part, entitlement and materialism. So when I'm
5:16
Speaker 1: talking about entitlement, I'm talking about that entitlement mentality where
5:20
Speaker 1: we just think we deserve things. We don't say thank you,
5:23
Speaker 1: we don't appreciate what we have because we think that
5:25
Speaker 1: we were entitled to it anyway. It's kind of like
5:30
Speaker 1: when we look around our home and we see the
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Speaker 1: furniture that we have, and we don't feel glad that
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Speaker 1: we have a table that we can sit at and
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Speaker 1: have our evening meal, because well, we deserve that. I
5:41
Speaker 1: paid for it. I deserve it. Why should I be
5:43
Speaker 1: grateful for it? Somebody who has high levels of gratitude
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Speaker 1: is much more likely to say, I'm so grateful that
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Speaker 1: I have the work that allows me to have purchased
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Speaker 1: this table, or I'm so grateful for the kindness of
5:54
Speaker 1: the parents of my wife or my husband who helped
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Speaker 1: us to purchase this really, really wonderful piece of furniture
6:02
Speaker 1: or whatever it might be that's given it to us.
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Speaker 1: Entitlement means I deserve it. I'm not grateful for it.
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Speaker 1: It should have always been mine anyway. And materialism were
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Speaker 1: Materialism is when we're focused heavily on just having lots
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Speaker 1: of things. And it seems that the more materialistic we are,
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Speaker 1: the more we want things, the less grateful we are
6:21
Speaker 1: for the things that we have, And the effects of
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Speaker 1: both materialism and ingratitude are really important. Let me tell
6:29
Speaker 1: you about one study just quickly. Some teenagers who were
6:33
Speaker 1: surveyed who believe that success and happiness comes from buying
6:37
Speaker 1: and owning things. That is, they were more materialistic. Those
6:43
Speaker 1: materialistic teens were found to end up with lower school results,
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Speaker 1: lower GPAs, more depression, and a more negative outlook on life.
6:52
Speaker 1: They also had lower quality relationships. Their relationships were poorer
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Speaker 1: out just from being a little bit more material feeling
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Speaker 1: a little bit more entitled. So if we want to
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Speaker 1: grow gratitude and stamp out in gratitude in our home,
7:08
Speaker 1: what are we supposed to do? There are a lot
7:10
Speaker 1: of different ways that we can promote gratitude. Here are
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Speaker 1: a handful of ideas to get you started. First of all,
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Speaker 1: the best thing that we can do is to model gratitude.
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Speaker 1: It's really as simple as monkey see, monkey do.
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Speaker 2: Now.
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Speaker 1: I'm not calling you kids monkeys. I'm just saying when
7:24
Speaker 1: they see what you do, they will mirror it. If
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Speaker 1: you're not grateful, if you're not expressing gratitude, if you're
7:30
Speaker 1: not saying thank you to the people around you, maybe
7:34
Speaker 1: even your children themselves, they're not going to say thank
7:36
Speaker 1: you either. So look for opportunities to say thank you.
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Speaker 1: Be an example, and may I also suggest pay particular
7:44
Speaker 1: attention to what your children do that you appreciate and
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Speaker 1: tell them. Don't say good girl, or you're super you're
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Speaker 1: a star or any of that sort of stuff. Great job.
7:55
Speaker 1: Instead describe what they've done and how it made you feel.
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Speaker 1: In fact, there's quite a bit of research that tells
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Speaker 1: us pretty clearly that when we're praising our children, it
8:05
Speaker 1: doesn't seem to have a particularly positive effect. In fact,
8:07
Speaker 1: it can regularly be quite negative. And I might do
8:11
Speaker 1: a podcast on the perils of praise in the next
8:15
Speaker 1: few weeks. But instead of praising your kids, express appreciation,
8:20
Speaker 1: say thank you. You might say something like, wow, you've
8:22
Speaker 1: tidied your room. It's so much cleaner now. When you're
8:25
Speaker 1: tidy up your bedroom, it means that there's less work
8:28
Speaker 1: for me and it's more time for fun, So thank you,
8:31
Speaker 1: Or we might say when you do that, it means
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Speaker 1: that I can trust you. I'm really grateful that I
8:35
Speaker 1: can trust you. What matters most is that our kids
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Speaker 1: feel our appreciation and they see us modeling that appreciation
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Speaker 1: with other people. Maybe we're just saying thank you to
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Speaker 1: the person who served us in a store, and maybe
8:47
Speaker 1: we're saying thank you to the person that let us
8:48
Speaker 1: in on the road. But gratitude and modeling gratitude is
8:53
Speaker 1: really really important, And every time that you want to
8:56
Speaker 1: be critical, just take a step back. Instead of being critical,
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Speaker 1: finds something to be grateful for instead. Maybe the kids
9:02
Speaker 1: come in late from their playdate with their friends out
9:05
Speaker 1: in the street. Instead of being angry at them, perhaps
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Speaker 1: you can say, I'm so glad that your kids are safe.
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Speaker 1: I was getting worried, and then once everybody's calm, you
9:13
Speaker 1: can talk about setting limits a little bit later on. Okay,
9:16
Speaker 1: so that's the first thing model it. The second idea
9:19
Speaker 1: is this grateful things. Now. I've already talked about how
9:22
Speaker 1: my family does this grateful Things conversation every single evening,
9:26
Speaker 1: and like I said, the kids love it so much.
9:27
Speaker 1: They get into it so much that if I don't
9:30
Speaker 1: start it off, they'll actually take over and they'll make
9:32
Speaker 1: it happen. And sometimes the things that we hear about
9:35
Speaker 1: that the children are grateful for are pretty mundane. They're
9:38
Speaker 1: pretty obvious kinds of things, like what we did that
9:40
Speaker 1: day that was fun. But here's the great thing. Those
9:43
Speaker 1: obvious things are things that we can easily take for granted.
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Speaker 1: But the children, because we're so focused on gratitude, they
9:50
Speaker 1: are noticing them and they are grateful for them. They're
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Speaker 1: also grateful for little things like somebody's smiling or hugging
9:57
Speaker 1: them or something else that went unnoticed for the rest
10:00
Speaker 1: of us. They say thank you, and we all say, wow,
10:02
Speaker 1: that is right, these good things happened. One of my
10:05
Speaker 1: favorite stories about gratitude comes from one of my parenting
10:09
Speaker 1: coaching clients. These clients decided that they were going to
10:12
Speaker 1: adopt this grateful things idea in their home, and on
10:14
Speaker 1: the second or third night that they were asking their
10:18
Speaker 1: children what they were grateful for that day, one of
10:20
Speaker 1: the children paused. It was their five year old, I think,
10:22
Speaker 1: and she responded, the thing I'm most grateful for today
10:26
Speaker 1: is right now. I think that this is a really
10:29
Speaker 1: powerful reminder that it's about spending time with our kids.
10:33
Speaker 1: It's about focusing on the good things that we have
10:36
Speaker 1: in life, and when we do that, we simply have
10:39
Speaker 1: better moments with our families. A third idea in our
10:43
Speaker 1: family A couple of years ago, we did something really fun.
10:46
Speaker 1: My wife Kylie created a bunch of labels, gratitude labels,
10:50
Speaker 1: and one night we all sat down and we wrote
10:52
Speaker 1: down a whole lot of things that we were grateful
10:54
Speaker 1: for on these labels, and then we went and tied
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Speaker 1: them to a tree outside our front door. We caught
10:59
Speaker 1: it our gratitude tree. Every time we walked past that tree,
11:02
Speaker 1: we were reminded by looking at the tree of all
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Speaker 1: the things that we had to be grateful for. Sometimes
11:07
Speaker 1: we'd pause and read it, but most of the time,
11:09
Speaker 1: just walking past and seeing all those labels that we'd
11:11
Speaker 1: written on reminded us that there were dozens, if not
11:14
Speaker 1: hundreds of things that we could be grateful for. And
11:17
Speaker 1: we regularly sat down and wrote out another handful of
11:19
Speaker 1: things and went and tied them on the tree. The
11:21
Speaker 1: kids thought it was a great idea, and it was
11:23
Speaker 1: a terrific reminder of everything we had to be thankful for.
11:26
Speaker 1: You could also try this for an idea. Carry a
11:28
Speaker 1: rock in your pocket, a gratitude rock, and every time
11:31
Speaker 1: you touch that rock, you can quickly remind yourself of
11:34
Speaker 1: all that you're grateful for. Or every time you touch
11:36
Speaker 1: the rock, tell the kids, I just touched the gratitude rock.
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Speaker 1: Quick tell me something you're grateful for right now. One
11:41
Speaker 1: other idea that I think is really useful. Most of
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Speaker 1: the studies that I've talked about have used a gratitude
11:48
Speaker 1: diary to have people record what they're grateful for and
11:52
Speaker 1: those people have been followed over time to see whether
11:55
Speaker 1: or not they're happier or not, and usually they are.
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Speaker 1: There's research that says that we only need to do
12:00
Speaker 1: this once a week. There's other research that says that
12:02
Speaker 1: we should do three grateful things a day, and there's
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Speaker 1: research that tells us that there's probably other options and
12:08
Speaker 1: other ways of doing it somewhere in between that I
12:10
Speaker 1: think what really matters out of all of this research
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Speaker 1: is that people are different, but expressing gratitude has positive effects,
12:17
Speaker 1: whether you choose to do it every single day, whether
12:19
Speaker 1: you choose to do it once a week, maybe on
12:21
Speaker 1: a Sunday night before you kick off the new week
12:23
Speaker 1: to wrap up the old week. Taking time to write
12:27
Speaker 1: things down in a gratitude diary makes a difference. It
12:30
Speaker 1: makes people feel secure, it makes people feel happy, it
12:32
Speaker 1: makes them feel loved, and it makes them feel grateful.
12:37
Speaker 1: So let me wrap up this little segment here with
12:39
Speaker 1: one more quick story. Recently, I spent time with an
12:42
Speaker 1: absolutely exhausted wife and mother. She was tired of a
12:47
Speaker 1: kid's driving her mad, she was sick of a husband
12:50
Speaker 1: that she felt didn't meet his obligations to her, and
12:54
Speaker 1: while she wouldn't admit it, I got the sense that
12:56
Speaker 1: she was pretty angry at herself and the decisions that
12:59
Speaker 1: she'd made in creating her life to this point. She
13:02
Speaker 1: almost had this sense of resentment for herself. If only
13:05
Speaker 1: I hadn't done this, if only I hadn't done that. Well.
13:09
Speaker 1: I listened to her frustrations, and after we talked for
13:12
Speaker 1: a while, I thought, I'm going to try gratitude with
13:14
Speaker 1: this mum. So I invited her to do something that
13:18
Speaker 1: was a little bit hard. I said, would you please
13:21
Speaker 1: tell me one thing, just one thing about each of
13:25
Speaker 1: your children that you're grateful for. And she had a
13:30
Speaker 1: handful of kids, so she had to think, and these
13:33
Speaker 1: kids were driving her crazy, so she had to think
13:35
Speaker 1: pretty hard. Once she done that, I asked her to
13:39
Speaker 1: tell me three things about her husband that she appreciated
13:42
Speaker 1: that she was grateful for. Now, she began this activity
13:45
Speaker 1: really resentfully. She did not want to do it because
13:49
Speaker 1: she did not feel grateful. She felt mad, and she
13:52
Speaker 1: felt resentful, and she felt underappreciated or unappreciated. She just
13:58
Speaker 1: felt angry. Within a few minutes, something really interesting happened.
14:03
Speaker 1: As we talked. Her mood changed. The atmosphere became lighter.
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Speaker 1: She began to get a little bit moist in her
14:13
Speaker 1: eyes as she began to count her blessings one by one,
14:17
Speaker 1: and she named those people that she loved and she
14:20
Speaker 1: talked about the way they made her grateful. Gratitude quite
14:25
Speaker 1: literally transformed the way that this mum saw her world,
14:29
Speaker 1: if only for a moment, but gratitude actually created a
14:33
Speaker 1: shift in her heart, in her soul. There was something different.
14:39
Speaker 1: So next time you're stressed, next time you're completely over it,
14:42
Speaker 1: next time you're ready to scream, take five minutes and
14:45
Speaker 1: try gratitude. Get it into your heart. I think that
14:49
Speaker 1: you'll be grateful that you did. So let me wrap
14:52
Speaker 1: up this segment with a quick question. I would love
14:54
Speaker 1: to know, and I'm sure that a lot of people
14:56
Speaker 1: that are listening would like to know as well. What
14:58
Speaker 1: do you do to promote gratitude in your family? Or
15:03
Speaker 1: if you're not doing a whole lot right now to
15:05
Speaker 1: promote gratitude in your family, what do you want to
15:08
Speaker 1: do now that you've had to listen to this podcast?
15:10
Speaker 1: Leave your answer at Happyfamilies dot com dot u slash
15:13
Speaker 1: podcast slash two as in the number two, and I'll
15:17
Speaker 1: be right back with some answers to your questions.
15:21
Speaker 2: We all love our children, but sometimes they can make
15:24
Speaker 2: life challenging, and we're all searching for the right answers.
15:28
Speaker 2: In the end, all we want is happy children and
15:31
Speaker 2: happy families. Doctor Justin Coulson is one of Australia's most
15:35
Speaker 2: respected parenting voices. His seminars equipped and empowered thousands of
15:40
Speaker 2: parents to make their families happier. But sometimes getting to
15:44
Speaker 2: a parenting seminar can be tough. Now you can watch
15:47
Speaker 2: one of doctor Justin's seminars from the comfort of your
15:50
Speaker 2: own home and at a time that works for you.
15:53
Speaker 3: In this seminar video available online now, you're invited to
15:57
Speaker 3: sit in on one of doctor Justin's parenting seminars as
16:00
Speaker 3: he takes you from confusion to clarity. Combining parenting research
16:04
Speaker 3: with heartfelt stories, you'll discover the three essential keys to
16:07
Speaker 3: raising a resilient child and creating a happy family. What
16:10
Speaker 3: your child needs from you from Doctor Justin Coulson at
16:13
Speaker 3: Happy families dot com dot Au. Download this ninety minute
16:16
Speaker 3: semini now. I'll purchase the DVD at happy families dot
16:20
Speaker 3: com dot Au.
16:21
Speaker 1: So each week during this podcast, I'm going to be
16:23
Speaker 1: doing what I can to answer your parenting questions. If
16:26
Speaker 1: you're dealing with issues with the kids, or if you're
16:28
Speaker 1: dealing with issues in your parenting, just go to Happy
16:30
Speaker 1: Families dot com dot au slash questions and leave me
16:34
Speaker 1: a voicemail, let me know briefly what your question is,
16:37
Speaker 1: and I'll answer two or three of them every single
16:39
Speaker 1: week in my podcast. A quick disclaimer here as well
16:42
Speaker 1: about the advice that I'm giving. The advice is general.
16:45
Speaker 1: It's not a therapy session. It's just an idea generator.
16:48
Speaker 1: Even if I'm answering your question, you're not in front
16:51
Speaker 1: of me. You're not giving me all of your info
16:53
Speaker 1: here and now, So my answers are really best guesses
16:56
Speaker 1: based on the information that I've gotten from you and
16:58
Speaker 1: your voice message or your email. And because the answers
17:01
Speaker 1: need to be fairly brief and I can't get into
17:03
Speaker 1: a heavy detail because you're not here, I can't be
17:06
Speaker 1: perfectly specific. So once again, quick disclaimer, the advice given
17:10
Speaker 1: here is general. Now let's start us off with this
17:14
Speaker 1: week's first question, which came via an email from Leah
17:18
Speaker 1: and Lea asked this, Hi, justin my son has been
17:21
Speaker 1: uninvolved in extra curricular activities, and there's always an underlying
17:25
Speaker 1: pressure to have him involved in some kind of ball sport.
17:28
Speaker 1: But today at school, he's in grade two, which I'm
17:31
Speaker 1: guessing means he's about eight or nine years old. He
17:33
Speaker 1: was excluded because one boy said he was crap at soccer.
17:36
Speaker 1: He's naturally sporty. He thrives on being active and developing
17:39
Speaker 1: his body. I also feel like there are other skills
17:41
Speaker 1: I like him to develop, and he can't do everything.
17:45
Speaker 1: Developing our talents is important that extracurricular activities should not
17:49
Speaker 1: rule our family life. And I can't stand the idea
17:51
Speaker 1: of racing from one thing to the next all week.
17:54
Speaker 1: Does every boy do ball sport? Does every boy do
17:58
Speaker 1: it while they're also developing other talents. So, Leah, this
18:01
Speaker 1: is my response to you, and again just a general response.
18:04
Speaker 1: First of all, research tells us that children will generally
18:08
Speaker 1: do better with sport or music or in other interests.
18:12
Speaker 1: They do well when they're involved in these kinds of
18:14
Speaker 1: activities because it stimulates their physicality. It can also stimulate
18:19
Speaker 1: their brain, It can be good for their social aspects.
18:24
Speaker 1: There are a load of benefits that can build a
18:25
Speaker 1: sense of competence. It's really good for them to be
18:28
Speaker 1: involved in some sort of extracurricular activity, but the activity
18:32
Speaker 1: should be based on their strengths, not based on their gender.
18:37
Speaker 1: Just because he's a boy doesn't mean that he should
18:39
Speaker 1: be playing ball sports. I know of some boys who
18:42
Speaker 1: do gymnastics or who do some sort of musical have
18:47
Speaker 1: some sort of musical involvement. Obviously, when he's getting this
18:52
Speaker 1: kind of input from his friends that he's lousy at
18:56
Speaker 1: ball sports, that's going to hurt. And there are a
18:59
Speaker 1: lot of advantages for him to develop his coordination and
19:01
Speaker 1: his physical abilities by playing. But does he have to
19:05
Speaker 1: do ball sports. Well, No, I just think that if
19:08
Speaker 1: you've got the resources to do it, that it would
19:11
Speaker 1: be good to have him involved in something. Now, let
19:13
Speaker 1: me add something else really quickly here. Personally, I'm not
19:17
Speaker 1: a fan of competitive sports, particularly for children. I want
19:20
Speaker 1: my children to master things, I want them to learn things.
19:23
Speaker 1: I want them to become capable and competent with things.
19:27
Speaker 1: But competition focuses less on process and learning and more
19:32
Speaker 1: on winning. So I am personally more inclined to send
19:36
Speaker 1: my kids into activities that are less competitive. It might
19:40
Speaker 1: be something like indoor rock climbing, or swimming, or surfing
19:43
Speaker 1: or hiking, maybe some other outdoor pursuits that are physical
19:47
Speaker 1: but are less competitive, or maybe they're competitive sports, but
19:50
Speaker 1: there's not a lot of emphasis on the competition. The
19:53
Speaker 1: other great thing about a lot of these things is
19:55
Speaker 1: you don't have to ferry kids from one activity to
19:57
Speaker 1: the next and then stand on the sideline and watch
19:59
Speaker 1: that is appointment on their faces when they lose. Okay,
20:02
Speaker 1: my second point is this only eight years old. He
20:06
Speaker 1: can't do everything, so I'm inclined to suggest find what
20:10
Speaker 1: he enjoys and do that. It may be that you
20:13
Speaker 1: might try, might try three or four different things before
20:16
Speaker 1: you work out what he enjoys. In our family, we've
20:18
Speaker 1: spent a lot of time and unfortunately a lot of
20:21
Speaker 1: money on our children shopping and changing. However, we've agreed
20:24
Speaker 1: that that's quite okay because we don't want to make
20:28
Speaker 1: them persist in something that they don't love, and because
20:31
Speaker 1: we've allowed them to chop and change, they've each found
20:34
Speaker 1: things that they do love. They've found things that they
20:36
Speaker 1: look forward to them that they can't wait to be
20:38
Speaker 1: involved in, and to us, that's much better than fighting
20:40
Speaker 1: with them. Because we've spent money on it, and they've
20:42
Speaker 1: got to do it. Now. What I do recommend though,
20:46
Speaker 1: is if you have spent money on it and they're
20:48
Speaker 1: in a team or you've paid to the end of term,
20:51
Speaker 1: that you do encourage them to get to the end
20:53
Speaker 1: of that point. Now. The last quick point that I
20:55
Speaker 1: would mention here Leia in a response to your question
20:59
Speaker 1: the time fact. Well, this is the unfortunate side effect
21:02
Speaker 1: of having children in extracurricular activities. It takes time, and
21:06
Speaker 1: sometimes it takes away from family time. I guess this
21:09
Speaker 1: is one of those personal questions where you need to
21:11
Speaker 1: balance your desire for your children to develop their strengths
21:15
Speaker 1: and talents with your desire for family time and hopefully
21:19
Speaker 1: find a balance that feels right for you. Seeing them play,
21:22
Speaker 1: seeing them develop, and seeing them learn can be a
21:25
Speaker 1: wonderful way to actually have time together as a family.
21:29
Speaker 1: And once they get good at something, it might actually
21:31
Speaker 1: mean that you can go down to the park with
21:33
Speaker 1: them later on or down to the beach with them
21:35
Speaker 1: later on and be involved in that activity with them
21:38
Speaker 1: in family time because they've developed the skill outside of
21:42
Speaker 1: family time. Okay, the second question came in anonymously. That
21:46
Speaker 1: came in via my ask Doctor Justin page, which is
21:49
Speaker 1: online at kidspot dot com dot au. And this one's
21:52
Speaker 1: a bit of a tough one and it's dealing with
21:55
Speaker 1: that chestnut sleep. This person wrote, I have three kids.
22:01
Speaker 1: The oldest and youngest are easy going. They'll easily sleep
22:04
Speaker 1: at night if the middle one doesn't wake them. The
22:07
Speaker 1: middle one, well, she's a totally different kettle of fish altogether.
22:10
Speaker 1: Some nights she'll wake once, other nights thirty two times.
22:14
Speaker 1: She's now two years and two months and she hasn't changed.
22:18
Speaker 1: She's been trialed right now in a toddler bed in
22:20
Speaker 1: a room with her older brother, to see if that
22:22
Speaker 1: makes a difference. Well, it hasn't. Previously she was in
22:26
Speaker 1: a clot sharing a room with her younger sister. She
22:28
Speaker 1: wakes up and comes into my bed. Then she's restless
22:30
Speaker 1: and grizzly for twenty minutes. Then she goes back to
22:32
Speaker 1: her bed, where she's restless and sooky in between brief
22:35
Speaker 1: one hour sleep sessions. Then back to my bed and
22:38
Speaker 1: the cycle begins again. I've tried routine coaxing. I've tried rewards.
22:42
Speaker 1: I've tried talking happy, talking, cranky, talking, stern, letting her cry,
22:46
Speaker 1: et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Most people are saying,
22:50
Speaker 1: just let her cry. Well, that usually ends with the
22:52
Speaker 1: rest of the people in the house awake and me
22:54
Speaker 1: cleaning vomit off something, so that option is out. She
22:57
Speaker 1: won't even go and get into bed at nighttime. She
22:59
Speaker 1: falls asleep on the cat. If I try and put
23:00
Speaker 1: her into bed, she screams and screams, and the cycle
23:02
Speaker 1: begins early. She has a strict routine bedtime at seven
23:06
Speaker 1: pm Friday nights. Sorry, bedtime at seven pm Friday nights.
23:09
Speaker 1: I'm a little more lenient. It might be seven thirty
23:11
Speaker 1: till eight pm. I just don't know what to do anymore.
23:14
Speaker 1: I'm on two years of sleep deprivation. It's taking its
23:18
Speaker 1: toll on me, my emotional health, my relationship with my husband,
23:21
Speaker 1: and recently I think I'm starting to develop depression. Don't worry,
23:25
Speaker 1: I'm already booked in to see the doctor, this person says.
23:27
Speaker 1: But I don't know what to do anymore. I'm typing
23:29
Speaker 1: this post at two am while she lays in my bed,
23:31
Speaker 1: and I'm sitting here shivering cold because there's no room
23:34
Speaker 1: in the bed for me. So I'm off to sleep
23:36
Speaker 1: on the couch again. Wow. Well here's my response. First off,
23:43
Speaker 1: it's good that you're getting help. That's really important. If
23:45
Speaker 1: you're dealing with anything related to depression, you do need
23:49
Speaker 1: to get help. But it also sounds like much of
23:51
Speaker 1: this is sleep related, and studies tell us really clearly
23:53
Speaker 1: that sleep deprivation is linked with a range of negative
23:57
Speaker 1: health outcomes, including depression. In fact, sleep deprivation, as you
24:01
Speaker 1: probably are aware, has been used as a form of
24:03
Speaker 1: torture previously. Okay, so go and get that help. I
24:07
Speaker 1: would also recommend that you take your daughter to the
24:10
Speaker 1: doctor and just have a look and see if there
24:13
Speaker 1: are any medical issues that are having an impact here.
24:16
Speaker 1: The second thing that I want to point out quickly
24:18
Speaker 1: is crying it out is not something that I would encourage. Ever,
24:21
Speaker 1: instead of crying it out, here are some of the
24:23
Speaker 1: more obvious answers. The first is sleep hygiene. You want
24:26
Speaker 1: to make sure that the bedroom is dark enough that
24:28
Speaker 1: it's the right temperature. You might also want to take
24:31
Speaker 1: a look at some white noise. You can download an
24:34
Speaker 1: app that's called white Noise, or you can play one
24:37
Speaker 1: of those relaxation CDs, anything to just keep the focus
24:41
Speaker 1: on noises in the room rather than noises out of
24:43
Speaker 1: the room. You might want to look at the way
24:45
Speaker 1: the routine works, bath story, hugs, songs. A question that
24:50
Speaker 1: I think is really important is that you've said that
24:51
Speaker 1: her bedtime is seven pm, But is she actually tired
24:55
Speaker 1: at seven pm? I came across some research when I
24:58
Speaker 1: was looking into your question that suggested that the best
25:02
Speaker 1: time to put children to bed is about twenty minutes
25:04
Speaker 1: before they get tired. When we put kids to bed
25:07
Speaker 1: about twenty minutes before they get tired, and we've walked
25:09
Speaker 1: through a nice routine beforehand, they can hop into bed,
25:13
Speaker 1: they can start to relax, We can read them a
25:14
Speaker 1: story and spend some time with them, and they tend
25:17
Speaker 1: to respond really well. If we put them to bed
25:19
Speaker 1: twenty minutes after they're tired, they tend to be irritable.
25:22
Speaker 1: And you and I both know that trying to get anybody,
25:25
Speaker 1: anybody to sleep at all who is irritable, tends not
25:28
Speaker 1: to work particularly well. Okay, they're the obvious answers. Here
25:32
Speaker 1: are some less obvious answers. First of all, when kids
25:34
Speaker 1: get into my bed, I leave them there and I
25:36
Speaker 1: go and get into their bed. See I would rather
25:39
Speaker 1: sleep than play. Let's move the kids from one bed
25:42
Speaker 1: to another. We've had some pretty lousy sleepers over time,
25:45
Speaker 1: but what we've also found is that they do grow
25:48
Speaker 1: out of it. I like to go to bed with
25:51
Speaker 1: my wife. It's really important to me that I go
25:53
Speaker 1: to sleep with my wife. However, at midnight or two
25:57
Speaker 1: am or three am, if one of my kids wakes
25:59
Speaker 1: up and want some comfort, I don't really care what
26:02
Speaker 1: bed I'm sleeping in, so long as I'm sleeping, and
26:04
Speaker 1: it's much easier for me to get out of bed,
26:07
Speaker 1: leave my daughter in bed with my wife, and go
26:10
Speaker 1: and sleep in another bed. The big bed is big
26:12
Speaker 1: enough for the two of them. I sleep well enough
26:14
Speaker 1: in their bed and the problems solved. So that's something
26:17
Speaker 1: that I think might be a potentially helpful solution. The
26:22
Speaker 1: second thing that I'd argue is don't make a big
26:24
Speaker 1: deal about it. In fact, the less you say and
26:27
Speaker 1: the less you do, the better. Instead, I'd be focused
26:30
Speaker 1: on loving her. I wouldn't be focused on telling her
26:32
Speaker 1: at all that it's important that she sleep in a
26:34
Speaker 1: certain way. Instead, I'd just be focused on making her
26:36
Speaker 1: feel as comfortable and as safe and secure as possible,
26:40
Speaker 1: and whatever bed, it takes one more quick pointer. I
26:44
Speaker 1: recommend that you check out Joe Ryan's Baby Bliss. Joe
26:48
Speaker 1: Ryan has written this book and it has made an
26:50
Speaker 1: enormous impact in the way our family deals with sleeping issues,
26:55
Speaker 1: and it works great for kids from newborn right through
26:58
Speaker 1: until the mid toddler range. It's a little bit more
27:02
Speaker 1: structured than I personally like, so we've adapted it a bit.
27:05
Speaker 1: In our family. We don't follow Joe's schedule so much,
27:09
Speaker 1: but we do follow her general rules and the results
27:12
Speaker 1: that we've had have been simply amazing. Okay, so that's
27:16
Speaker 1: all the questions that I can respond to this week.
27:18
Speaker 1: If you have a question and you'd like some help,
27:21
Speaker 1: just visit happyfamilies dot com dot au slash questions. You
27:24
Speaker 1: can leave me a voice message there, or you can
27:27
Speaker 1: email me your question. That's Happy families dot com dot
27:30
Speaker 1: a u slash questions and I'll be back right after
27:34
Speaker 1: this break with my tip of the week.
27:36
Speaker 3: Toilet training. It's a milestone that parents look forward to.
27:39
Speaker 3: What is the best way to toilet train our children successfully?
27:42
Speaker 3: Doctor Justin Colson has written a no Mess, no Fuss
27:45
Speaker 3: ebook to help called toilet training Easiest one Too We.
27:49
Speaker 3: Written for busy parents, You're whizz through a clearoverview of
27:52
Speaker 3: toilet training without getting bogged down in too much detail.
27:56
Speaker 3: At just over twenty pages, the book can be digested
27:59
Speaker 3: in under thirty minute. You'll find direct answers about toilet
28:02
Speaker 3: training based on scientific research, like how to know when
28:05
Speaker 3: your child is ready to toilet train, myths and conspiracies,
28:08
Speaker 3: theories about toilet training, and the most poo popular toilet
28:11
Speaker 3: training approaches and what science says about them. Some toilet
28:15
Speaker 3: training guides take longer to read than it should take
28:17
Speaker 3: to toilet train a child. This is the fast flowing
28:20
Speaker 3: alternative to get your kids going at the right time,
28:22
Speaker 3: in the right place, and the right way. Toilet training
28:26
Speaker 3: easy as One too We available at major online booksellers
28:29
Speaker 3: now or at Happy Families dot com dot au.
28:32
Speaker 1: Alright, it's time for my tip of the week. A
28:34
Speaker 1: little while ago, I read a really wonderful, insightful book.
28:37
Speaker 1: It was called Hands Free Mamma by Rachel Stafford. I'll
28:40
Speaker 1: put a link to it in my show notes for you.
28:42
Speaker 1: I've got loads of great ideas from this book to
28:45
Speaker 1: remind me about important ways to connect with my children.
28:48
Speaker 1: And I was grateful for it. A few weeks ago,
28:51
Speaker 1: my wife Kylie picked the book up and she started reading,
28:54
Speaker 1: and I started to notice some really subtle changes. The
28:57
Speaker 1: book made a real difference, and I was so impressed.
29:00
Speaker 1: But something Kylie did that she found in the book
29:03
Speaker 1: that I hadn't really picked up on when I read
29:05
Speaker 1: the book because it was probably too much Hassel was this.
29:09
Speaker 1: Kylie bought a little journal for each of our girls
29:12
Speaker 1: and she told them that each day they could write
29:16
Speaker 1: a little note to her at the end of the
29:18
Speaker 1: day to share their day in a personal way, talk
29:20
Speaker 1: about things that they wanted to talk about, and Kylie
29:23
Speaker 1: promised that she would write back. So it was kind
29:25
Speaker 1: of like a little pen pal diary. And I can't
29:29
Speaker 1: even begin to tell you how amazing the response has
29:31
Speaker 1: been from the children. We've seen this incredible change in them.
29:35
Speaker 1: After four days, one of them wrote to Kylie, I'm
29:39
Speaker 1: glad we started this whole diary thing. I don't have
29:41
Speaker 1: a reason to keep my problems secret. I feel like
29:44
Speaker 1: such a heavy burden has been taken off my shoulders.
29:47
Speaker 1: It's not every day I got to do this. Until
29:49
Speaker 1: now all of my problems are on paper and they're
29:52
Speaker 1: not weighing down my heart. Isn't that beautiful? Now? The
29:57
Speaker 1: diary wasn't set up to be a problem. It isn't
30:02
Speaker 1: about saying to the kids that we should be the
30:04
Speaker 1: place that they unload in their diary so we can
30:07
Speaker 1: read about all their problems. In fact, we didn't expect
30:09
Speaker 1: that they were going to be sharing their problems with
30:11
Speaker 1: us at all. And each of the children uses their
30:14
Speaker 1: diary differently, but let me tell you this, they absolutely
30:17
Speaker 1: love it. It is the first thing that they reach
30:19
Speaker 1: for in the morning so that they can see what
30:21
Speaker 1: Mum wrote the night before, and they do not miss
30:24
Speaker 1: a single day of writing back to her. And I
30:26
Speaker 1: also think it's going to be an amazing record for
30:28
Speaker 1: them later in life as well. So my tip of
30:31
Speaker 1: the week is this. Our children respond to our love
30:34
Speaker 1: in different ways, and they show love in different ways.
30:37
Speaker 1: Sometimes it might be through hugs or presents. Other times
30:40
Speaker 1: it might be through spending time together or playing or
30:43
Speaker 1: maybe just writing in a diary could be something that
30:47
Speaker 1: you can try to express your love to your children
30:50
Speaker 1: and to have a better understanding of what's going on
30:52
Speaker 1: in their worlds. If they're over about the age of
30:54
Speaker 1: five or six, they should be able to do that
30:56
Speaker 1: one and get a lot out of it. Well that's
30:58
Speaker 1: about it for today's pod. If you have any questions,
31:01
Speaker 1: once again, visit happy families dot com dot u slash
31:03
Speaker 1: questions and I'll do my best to answer you in
31:05
Speaker 1: an upcoming podcast. And if you've enjoyed the podcasts, you
31:09
Speaker 1: can get the entire outline. You can get the resource
31:12
Speaker 1: links in the show notes at Hoppy at happyfamilies dot
31:16
Speaker 1: com dot a U slash podcast slash two as in
31:20
Speaker 1: the number two. And if you think this podcast has
31:23
Speaker 1: been helpful, can I ask you to do this? I'd
31:25
Speaker 1: really appreciate it. I'd be most grateful if you would
31:27
Speaker 1: visit happy families dot com dot a u slash podcast
31:31
Speaker 1: slash two as the number two. You'll find links to
31:35
Speaker 1: share on Twitter and Facebook so that other people can
31:37
Speaker 1: find out all about the podcast and they can listen
31:39
Speaker 1: in and get the same great tips that you're getting.
31:42
Speaker 1: And I'd be even more thankful if you would rate
31:44
Speaker 1: the podcast on iTunes because it's your ratings that determine
31:48
Speaker 1: whether or not other people can find this podcast. Every
31:51
Speaker 1: time you rate it, the visibility of the podcast goes
31:54
Speaker 1: up and other people get to find out more about
31:56
Speaker 1: how I can help them to make their families happier.
31:59
Speaker 1: And of course there you can subscribe to the podcast
32:01
Speaker 1: on iTunes as well. That way you'll be able to
32:03
Speaker 1: make sure that you can catch every single episode. Well
32:07
Speaker 1: that's it for this week. I'll have another podcast ready
32:09
Speaker 1: to go for next week. Until then, please remember you
32:13
Speaker 1: don't have to be the best parent in the world.
32:15
Speaker 1: You just have to be the best parent in your
32:17
Speaker 1: children's world.