Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #99 Helping Teens With Friendships When They’re Struggling

Transcript

#99 Helping Teens With Friendships When They’re Struggling · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's The Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coulson, the
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  Speaker 1: podcast for the time Poor Parent who Just Wants Answers Now,
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  Speaker 1: where Luke and Susie, our husband and wife radio team
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  Speaker 1: and the parents of three young boys. Today we're talking
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  Speaker 1: about a question that's come through to the show, how
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  Speaker 1: to help a teenager in their friendships when they're struggling
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  Speaker 1: with their mental health. We're addressing a question from Emma today.
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  Speaker 1: She has a fifteen year old and I feel for
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  Speaker 1: her because I think, probably knowing what's happening with mental
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  Speaker 1: health in Australia, this would be one of the common
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  Speaker 1: questions that parents are trying to figure out. How do
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  Speaker 1: I help my child? Emma wrote, my fifteen year old
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  Speaker 1: son is very anxious, depressed and fidgety. He's happy when
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  Speaker 1: he's with his friends, but he doesn't have many true friends.
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  Speaker 1: How can I enable him to pursue and make good
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  Speaker 1: friends without taking over?
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  Speaker 2: Without taking over? Does that we leave that to last
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  Speaker 2: or do we do.
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  Speaker 3: Let's talk about the mental health issues first. So Emma
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  Speaker 3: has said that she's concerned that her son has anxiety
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  Speaker 3: and depression. We need to be very careful about using
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  Speaker 3: these words and understand whether somebody actually has a mental
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  Speaker 3: illness or whether they're just feeling a little bit lousy
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  Speaker 3: or feeling a little bit nervous and worried. Just because
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  Speaker 3: somebody is worried and is feeling anxious doesn't mean that
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  Speaker 3: they have anxiety. Just because somebody is sad and having
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  Speaker 3: a rough time doesn't mean that they have depression. There
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  Speaker 3: are some clinical criteria that need to be met over
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  Speaker 3: a sustained period of time for somebody to receive that diagnosis.
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  Speaker 3: So it's worth checking in with the GP if you
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  Speaker 3: don't have a diagnosis and getting a referral to a psychologist.
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  Speaker 3: The psychologists can have a conversation and figure out, you know,
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  Speaker 3: is this somebody that's actually got depression and anxiety or
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  Speaker 3: is this somebody who is just feeling lousy about life.
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  Speaker 4: You know, life's challenging.
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  Speaker 3: And they're having some challenge some difficulties, and they need
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  Speaker 3: some skills to equip themselves to pull themselves out. So
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  Speaker 3: I just wanted to address that first. When you're a teenager,
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  Speaker 3: sometimes life can be really hard, especially around friends. Now,
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  Speaker 3: the next issue that we probably need to arrest is
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  Speaker 3: the friendship issue, and then we'll talk about the taking over. Okay, okay, friends,
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  Speaker 3: Friends are oxygen when you're a teenager.
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  Speaker 4: You can't live without them.
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  Speaker 3: It's literally like saying to a teen no more air,
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  Speaker 3: Let's see how you go. And I have this conversation
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  Speaker 3: just this morning with a lady in the United States
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  Speaker 3: who was interviewing me for a podcast, and she said,
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  Speaker 3: sometimes our children have friendships that are toxic, or friendships
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  Speaker 3: that are dragging them down and making them feel.
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  Speaker 4: Worse about themselves.
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  Speaker 3: How do we help our children to know that they're
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  Speaker 3: better off being lonely than having those friends. And I said, well,
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  Speaker 3: in the same way that you teach them that they're
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  Speaker 3: better off not having air, they would rather have some.
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  Speaker 4: Kind of a relationship.
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  Speaker 3: Our children are. In fact, we as humans, we're ultrasocial.
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  Speaker 3: We need to feel that we belong. We need to
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  Speaker 3: feel that we matter. So what I would be doing
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  Speaker 3: if I was Emma, and this is where we start
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  Speaker 3: to get into the hole. How do we inject ourselves
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  Speaker 3: into this teenager's life without going too far, without becoming
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  Speaker 3: forceful and having them push us away? Is asking some
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  Speaker 3: careful questions when you're around these people, do you like
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  Speaker 3: yourself when you're around these people? Do you feel like
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  Speaker 3: they're bringing out the best in you? Do you feel
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  Speaker 3: like you can be who you really are? Or do
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  Speaker 3: you feel like you have to change? Because when we've
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  Speaker 3: got good friends, they accept us for who we are.
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  Speaker 3: We feel good about ourselves and we don't feel like
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  Speaker 3: we need to make any adjustments. Crucial questions for helping
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  Speaker 3: kids to know if they've found their tribe.
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  Speaker 2: Now.
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  Speaker 3: If the answer is no, our job then becomes how
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  Speaker 3: do I support you as you look for better friendships?
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  Speaker 3: You're looking at me so earnestly, Well.
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  Speaker 1: This is such a big thing for me. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: we're not at that age yet. Our children in primary
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  Speaker 1: school at the moment, and the friendships are quite organic
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  Speaker 1: in primary school. It's a very different scenario to high school,
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  Speaker 1: I forget, but I think, how much do we get
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  Speaker 1: involved in this process? Do it? Is this about getting
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  Speaker 1: them involved in social groups outside of school?
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  Speaker 3: That was one of my first common Yeah, one of
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  Speaker 3: my first suggestions is let's look at the school situation.
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  Speaker 4: Maybe that's not going so well, But what are you
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  Speaker 4: interested in?
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  Speaker 3: Because I'm going to guarantee there'll be other people who
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  Speaker 3: are interested in that somewhere as well. And if you
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  Speaker 3: don't know. Well, let's try something for a term. Does
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  Speaker 3: it work, does it not work?
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  Speaker 4: Over time?
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  Speaker 3: So long as we can develop relationships in those things
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  Speaker 3: that we're interested in, that can become a great support.
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  Speaker 3: Maybe it's a church group or a sporting activity.
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  Speaker 4: Maybe it's I don't know, something really weird that is
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  Speaker 4: just your thing.
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  Speaker 3: I've got a friend who is into I can't remember
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  Speaker 3: what they call it, but he gets dressed up in
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  Speaker 3: all the medieval costumes constantly.
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  Speaker 4: No, it's another name.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, you have the not cosplay, it's the reenactment of
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  Speaker 2: historical like it's.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, So they put on all the armor and
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  Speaker 3: they run around with shields and swords and in fields.
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  Speaker 4: It's got some name.
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  Speaker 3: I can't remember what it is, and I kind of
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  Speaker 3: think that's really weird.
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  Speaker 4: Okay, But for.
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  Speaker 3: Him, this is his thing, and he's found an entire
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  Speaker 3: community as a forty something year old male who loves
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  Speaker 3: to get dressed up and play these games in the fields,
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  Speaker 3: like you know, their medieval warriors. Your son or your
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  Speaker 3: daughter will find their thing if we can help them
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  Speaker 3: to look around. So that's one thing that I'd say.
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  Speaker 2: The thing that I struggle with this is there's a
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  Speaker 2: time in our children's development where we get so stressed
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  Speaker 2: about making sure that they have every opportunity to learn
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  Speaker 2: this and to learn that, and eventually the advice comes
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  Speaker 2: to go, let them be kids and they have time
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  Speaker 2: to they'll grow into some of that stuff.
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  Speaker 4: Between that and teaching them these skills.
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  Speaker 2: And when can we stop assuming that it will just
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  Speaker 2: sort itself out in a sense, so if we don't
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  Speaker 2: address it, they won't develop these skills as an adult,
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  Speaker 2: and then we've let them down. I find the pressure
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  Speaker 2: on both sides pretty intense.
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  Speaker 3: It's really tricky because and as parents, we get rewarded
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  Speaker 3: for being a little bit over protective. We get rewarded
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  Speaker 3: for the helicoptering. Let's say, let's say your child forgets
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  Speaker 3: their lunchbox and they're at school with no food. You
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  Speaker 3: take that lunchbox to the school, and you feel like
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  Speaker 3: you're a good mom or good because you've done that,
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  Speaker 3: and so we kind of get rewarded for stepping in.
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  Speaker 3: We look like we're being good parents, but what we're
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  Speaker 3: actually doing, I mean, fine, do that once or twice,
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  Speaker 3: but if this is a repeated habit, we need our
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  Speaker 3: children to learn how to be responsible, which requires some
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  Speaker 3: other conversations down the track, and maybe one day we
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  Speaker 3: say I wish that I could, but today I'm sorry,
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  Speaker 3: you're going to be really hungry at three o'clock when
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  Speaker 3: I pick you up or when you catch the bus home.
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  Speaker 3: I'm not suggesting we'd be hardcore about this, but we've
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  Speaker 3: got to let them actually experience failure and mistakes so
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  Speaker 3: that they can grow. We get stronger by going through
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  Speaker 3: hard things. So I would say to Emma, he's going
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  Speaker 3: to really struggle with this. Your job is to say
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  Speaker 3: how can I support you? How can I help you,
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  Speaker 3: and then let him.
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  Speaker 4: Figure it out.
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  Speaker 3: If you step in and start saying don't be friends
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  Speaker 3: with that person, that person will become forbidden fruit.
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  Speaker 4: He'll probably gravitate towards them if he's feeling lonely and
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  Speaker 4: not making any friends.
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  Speaker 3: You can always have a conversation, let's talk about what
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  Speaker 3: you're doing in your relationships, let's consider.
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  Speaker 4: How you are with them, or.
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  Speaker 3: You can just book in a conversation with a psychologists
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  Speaker 3: because sometimes coming from mum it doesn't work at all.
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  Speaker 3: But I think your job as a parent, especially with
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  Speaker 3: teenagers but at any age, is really.
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  Speaker 4: How can I help?
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  Speaker 3: I'm here to support, but you've got to do this
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  Speaker 3: on your own, and if you can't do it on
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  Speaker 3: your own, let's go and get you the help that
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  Speaker 3: you need.
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  Speaker 1: I guess underpinning all of that, the thought in my head,
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  Speaker 1: justin is that we as parents need to see our
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  Speaker 1: children for who they actually are and not for who
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  Speaker 1: we want them to be. Right so that the interests
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  Speaker 1: that we're pointing them towards are their interests, not what
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  Speaker 1: we want them to love.
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  Speaker 4: They need to know that they're okay.
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  Speaker 3: You've got to be able to look at your son
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  Speaker 3: and say, I know you're having a hard time with
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  Speaker 3: friends right now, but you need to know you're okay.
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  Speaker 4: Are you the finished product?
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  Speaker 2: No?
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  Speaker 4: Are you perfect?
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  Speaker 2: No?
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  Speaker 3: But you are just fine and as you grow, you'll
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  Speaker 3: get better and better as we all do. But accept you.
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  Speaker 3: You're worthy, you do belong, you do matter, and other
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  Speaker 3: people will see that as you start to believe that
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  Speaker 3: about yourself. First one to tell you you're okay. I know
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  Speaker 3: you feel like a failure. We all do. But even
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  Speaker 3: if you're failing, you're okay because you're trying. Failure means
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  Speaker 3: I'm trying, So keep trying and keep failing.
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  Speaker 1: You're Okay, so good, doctor Justin kills.
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  Speaker 2: I feel like the process of the whole thing. We
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  Speaker 2: answered the last part of the question of the without
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  Speaker 2: stepping in, without taking over, just naturally, all those steps
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  Speaker 2: just give us all the tools we need in theory.
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  Speaker 2: Now we've got to go and execute.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, and can. I know we're out of time, but
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  Speaker 4: just quickly. You will fail. As a parent, I have
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  Speaker 4: parents say to me all the time.
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  Speaker 3: I try to say it the way you say it
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  Speaker 3: when I'm listening to what you teach, and I get
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  Speaker 3: into the situation with my child and it just goes
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  Speaker 3: pear shaped, like it just flops everywhere and nothing works.
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  Speaker 3: And my response to that is, of course, because when
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  Speaker 3: you try anything new, your children are going to think
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  Speaker 3: it's weird and you're not going to know how to react,
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  Speaker 3: and you will fail. It's a guarantee. What matters is
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  Speaker 3: that you're okay, you tried, and try again, because the
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  Speaker 3: more you practice it, the better you'll get. I've been
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  Speaker 3: practicing this for twenty years now, and I still get
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  Speaker 3: it wrong.
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  Speaker 2: I can imagine one parent hearing Justin going right, okay,
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  Speaker 2: going up to the teenager and go, I'm here to help.
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  Speaker 2: How can I help, and the teenager says, go away.
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  Speaker 2: I don't like you leave me alone, slams the door
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  Speaker 2: and they go.
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  Speaker 4: Not listening. I don't have the next line.
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  Speaker 1: I have another question.
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  Speaker 3: I recently launched my book, Misconnection, the book about teenage girls,
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  Speaker 3: and Jessica Rowe hosted the event, and she was just
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  Speaker 3: so generous and gracious and wonderful. But her opening remark
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  Speaker 3: was I finished reading the book and in there Justin
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  Speaker 3: talks about how we need to connect with our children,
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  Speaker 3: make mornings really special, and I decided to do it.
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  Speaker 3: I looked at the line that was in the book.
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  Speaker 3: I walked into my daughter's bedroom. I sell in the bed.
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  Speaker 3: It was ten minutes before she should wake up in
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  Speaker 3: the morning. I gave her a big hug and I said,
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  Speaker 3: I'm so glad to have you in my life.
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  Speaker 4: You're just so wonderful, she said.
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  Speaker 3: Her thirteen year old daughter looked at her and said,
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  Speaker 3: go away.
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  Speaker 1: What do I do gets you in the field?
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  Speaker 4: My advice is.
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  Speaker 2: Nailed it, and nailed it Doctor Justin Coulson, I guess
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  Speaker 2: thank you so much.
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  Speaker 4: Pleasure.
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  Speaker 2: If you've enjoyed the podcast, we'd love for you to
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  Speaker 2: get onto iTunes and leave a rating and review like.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: This one that came from set A MJD who said,
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  Speaker 1: excellent advice for a young dad. I only came across
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  Speaker 1: the podcast last week but haven't stopped listening since it's
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  Speaker 1: helped validate a number of ideas and beliefs of mine
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  Speaker 1: and challenged me on others.
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  Speaker 2: So leave a rating a review. But if you'd like
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: justin to speak at your school or organization organization, all
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  Speaker 2: you need to do is visit happy families dot com
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  Speaker 2: dot au