Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #940 The Worst Advice Ever

Transcript

#940 The Worst Advice Ever · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for.
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  Speaker 2: The time poor parent who just on answers Now.
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  Speaker 1: Hello, this is doctor Justin Coulson here with my wife Mum,
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  Speaker 1: to our six children, missus Happy Families, Kylie Coulson. There's
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  Speaker 1: a favorite podcast that I have. I've got a long
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  Speaker 1: list of podcasts that I love, but one of those
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  Speaker 1: podcasts is by an author and a psychologist that I
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  Speaker 1: really look up to and love learning from. His name
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  Speaker 1: is Adam Brandt. A couple of years ago, he wrote
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  Speaker 1: a book called Think Again, and his podcast is called Rethinking.
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  Speaker 1: It's about analyzing what's working and what's not in our
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  Speaker 1: lives and looking at psychological science and evidence to help
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  Speaker 1: us to be better. When he has his guests on
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  Speaker 1: his podcast, he does this thing called a lightning round
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  Speaker 1: and the first question that he always asks in the
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  Speaker 1: lightning round is what's the worst piece of advice you've
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  Speaker 1: ever been given? Today I'm the Happy Families Podcast. We
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  Speaker 1: ask you what is the worst pairing advice that you
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  Speaker 1: have ever been given? And I think the easiest way
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  Speaker 1: to say this is that some people say really dumb
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  Speaker 1: things with the very best of intentions. All of the
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  Speaker 1: advice that people have been given is well intentioned advice,
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  Speaker 1: but at happy Families, we want your family to be happy.
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  Speaker 1: So with the overwhelming number of responses that you gave,
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  Speaker 1: I mean, we had something like seven hundred and eight
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  Speaker 1: hundred comments come through. It was overwhelming. Nobody's going to
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  Speaker 1: read all of those on Facebook. So we've consolidated them
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  Speaker 1: down into groups and lumps of areas. And today in
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  Speaker 1: the podcast, we're going to share the worst parenting advice
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  Speaker 1: on the planet so that you don't succumb. And if
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  Speaker 1: you've been doing any of these things, we will gently
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  Speaker 1: encourage you to stop. Now.
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  Speaker 2: Please, do you remember anyone giving us really bad parenting advice?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, but the advice that I'm going to say was
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  Speaker 1: the worst advice ever is really provocative, and I know
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  Speaker 1: that some people are going to hate me for saying.
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  Speaker 1: When we had our first daughter, we actually got a
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  Speaker 1: lot of advice around cry out sort of stuff. Our
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  Speaker 1: poor baby girl. She had terrible reflux. I mean, we
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  Speaker 1: almost didn't sleep for six or nine months when she
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  Speaker 1: was born. It was just terrible. But we also received
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  Speaker 1: don't vaccinate your child, Vaccination causes autism, Vaccination does this,
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  Speaker 1: Vaccination does that? And for a little while there, we
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  Speaker 1: seriously considered not vaccinating. Now, I've got some significant reservations
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  Speaker 1: about what happened with the mr Anda vaccines with COVID,
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  Speaker 1: and when we have a look at what's going there,
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  Speaker 1: that's a different story. But here's what we know about
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  Speaker 1: kids and vaccines. The world is healthier than it's ever been,
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  Speaker 1: and our kids are safe than they've ever been. And
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  Speaker 1: I'm fully pro vaccination now, but we really went through
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  Speaker 1: the ringer on that. I think it was terrible advice
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  Speaker 1: and I'm so glad that we made the decision to
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  Speaker 1: vaccinate our kids. Can you think of any bad advice
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  Speaker 1: that we received?
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  Speaker 2: I wish that I had written down all of that
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  Speaker 2: bad advice.
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  Speaker 1: We definitely got it over the years. We definitely have,
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  Speaker 1: especially when people found out that I was going to
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  Speaker 1: become like a parenting expert, like, oh, you need to
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  Speaker 1: make sure you tell people this.
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  Speaker 2: But I remember a handful. One of them was specifically
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  Speaker 2: around the fact that we shouldn't be picking up our
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  Speaker 2: kids every time they cry, because yes, they'll start to
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  Speaker 2: control us. That we need to actually show our baby
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  Speaker 2: whose boss and make sure that we're in control, not them.
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  Speaker 2: Those kinds of things. They're the ones that really stand
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  Speaker 2: out to me the most because they were so counter
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  Speaker 2: to what I believed in my heart.
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  Speaker 1: Well, let's dive into the responses that we had from
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  Speaker 1: parents on our Facebook page when we said, tell us
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  Speaker 1: the dumbest stuff that you've ever been told about raising kids, Like,
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  Speaker 1: what is the worst pairing advice you've ever received?
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  Speaker 2: Brook, Marie, This one blows my mind.
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  Speaker 1: Advice from a photographer. Brooke said that the photographer told
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  Speaker 1: her to make my baby sleep, I should give him
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  Speaker 1: painstop medication for three days in a row. No.
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  Speaker 2: I do remember having a conversation with my doctor when
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  Speaker 2: we had little kids who actually said that he would
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  Speaker 2: give his kids when they did long flights forgan.
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  Speaker 1: Yes. Yes, yeah, I'm not recommending that here at all.
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  Speaker 1: Really bad idea, Please don't. Lucky mcclucky said that the
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  Speaker 1: worst pairing advice received was lock them in a shed
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  Speaker 1: for the night for controlled crying.
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  Speaker 2: Oh.
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  Speaker 1: I mean, it's heartbreaking. But what I hate about this
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  Speaker 1: is that there are people who are walking the planet
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  Speaker 1: right this very minute, walking in our neighborhoods, right this
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  Speaker 1: very minute, who actually think this is good advice. I
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  Speaker 1: loved Amanda Bombardier's response when she was told to let
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  Speaker 1: her newborn cry herself to sleep. She said this, I
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  Speaker 1: wouldn't leave that now seventeen year old to cry alone.
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  Speaker 1: So why on earth do people think it's okay to
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  Speaker 1: leave a tiny baby?
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  Speaker 2: The logic, it's so logical to me when you read
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  Speaker 2: something like that shills. It just makes sense. And yet
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  Speaker 2: we have this mindset that we need to show our
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  Speaker 2: baby's response.
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  Speaker 1: Then there was the advice that I'm going to say
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  Speaker 1: actually hurt to read. It was simply awful. Counsel things
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  Speaker 1: like insisting that parents are always in control, always having
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  Speaker 1: to be right, always having power over their children, using
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  Speaker 1: that natural position of power to force an issue through
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  Speaker 1: a show of might and strength. Check out this one
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  Speaker 1: from Rachel Crane an Orange.
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  Speaker 2: She said the best way to deal with your strong
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  Speaker 2: will child was to push back with a tougher and
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  Speaker 2: stronger will until she submitted.
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  Speaker 1: So this archaic idea.
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  Speaker 2: It feels like we're breaking in a horse exactly.
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  Speaker 1: In fact, there was an anonymous person didn't want to be
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  Speaker 1: named from Sydney who was giving the advice it's your
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  Speaker 1: job as the parent to hurt your child and to
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  Speaker 1: break their will and this is actually where I was
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  Speaker 1: when we first started this whole parenting journey. If we
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  Speaker 1: go back to two thousand and one, two thousand and two,
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  Speaker 1: we've got a two year old, a three year old,
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  Speaker 1: and I truly believe that as the father of a
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  Speaker 1: little girl who had a very strong will, it was
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  Speaker 1: my job to bend her will until it met with mine.
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  Speaker 1: And it was a disaster. It was the worst thing ever,
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  Speaker 1: and our family was fracturing and falling apart, our daughter
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  Speaker 1: was it was only getting worse, it was not getting better.
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  Speaker 1: And it's why I quit my radio career and spent
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  Speaker 1: the next twenty years of my life or more now
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  Speaker 1: like twenty five years of my life researching this stuff
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  Speaker 1: because it's just plain bad advice Amanda van State and
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  Speaker 1: on the Sunshine cost Set to.
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  Speaker 2: Never apologize to children, as it shows weakness, and we
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  Speaker 2: wonder why our kids struggle to apologize and seek forgiveness.
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  Speaker 1: There's nothing better when you're a kid than having a
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  Speaker 1: parent look at you and say you're right, and I
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  Speaker 1: was wrong and I'm sorry. It just builds so much trust.
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  Speaker 1: It makes such a difference. Then there was the advice
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  Speaker 1: that seems okay at first, glance, but it really isn't
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  Speaker 1: Melissa Wayne said, give them whatever they want, Darling, give
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  Speaker 1: them whatever they want.
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  Speaker 2: She must be a grandparent.
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  Speaker 1: I love that one, and I love this one from
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  Speaker 1: Lucas Avgernos.
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  Speaker 2: He said, it doesn't matter how you parent, you just
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  Speaker 2: have to love your kids.
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  Speaker 1: So if you've been following me for any length of
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  Speaker 1: time at all, you'll know that this last one, it
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  Speaker 1: just isn't true, and it's pervasive. People really truly believe that.
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  Speaker 2: I remember that story from Wally, your mentor, about being
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  Speaker 2: in the garage with his neighbor and his son comes
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  Speaker 2: screaming into the garage, drops his bike and goes to
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  Speaker 2: run off.
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  Speaker 1: We wanted to play with his friend who just come
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  Speaker 1: home in the neighborhood, and.
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  Speaker 2: The neighbor calls the son back, grabs them by the
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  Speaker 2: shirt sleeves and kind of pulls them up into the
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  Speaker 2: air and says, you know, put your bike away.
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  Speaker 1: How many times times I have to tell you to
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  Speaker 1: put the mic away?
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  Speaker 2: And then as he puts the child down, he kind
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  Speaker 2: of looks at while he realizes that while he's a
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  Speaker 2: parenting expert, and he says.
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  Speaker 1: But I love you, I love you, and as a
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  Speaker 1: kid runs into the garage, do you think he's going. Gee,
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  Speaker 1: I'm so glad that when I get things wrong, at
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  Speaker 1: least I know my dad loves me. It matters how
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  Speaker 1: your parent it actually does. And here's the thing I've spoken, unfortunately,
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  Speaker 1: with so many parents who are simply neglectful, who have
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  Speaker 1: even been abusive to their children. Over the years, I've
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  Speaker 1: talked to all kinds of parents in all sorts of
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  Speaker 1: really challenging situations, and every single one of them will
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  Speaker 1: tell me I love my kids. In fact, I had
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  Speaker 1: one mum shout in my face, I love my kids.
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  Speaker 1: I'm a good mother. But I've just been watching the
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  Speaker 1: way she was speaking to her kids, and it was
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  Speaker 1: kind of how she was talking to me. And it
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  Speaker 1: doesn't matter how much you think you love your kids.
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  Speaker 1: What matters is how much your kids know that they're loved.
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  Speaker 1: There's a very big difference.
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  Speaker 2: Well, and all the research says that we can say
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  Speaker 2: all the words we want, but if our actions aren't
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  Speaker 2: congruent with those words, then our actions are going to
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  Speaker 2: speak louder every time.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, so some of you shared, I'm going to say
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  Speaker 1: words of wisdom, quote unquote woods wisdom that at first glance,
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  Speaker 1: seem really harsh, but you can actually flip them or
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  Speaker 1: reframe them, and I like doing this. So Elizabeth and
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  Speaker 1: Davis said that the worst advice she ever got was
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  Speaker 1: kids need to know their place, And at first you
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  Speaker 1: kind of go, gee, that's harsh, But then I thought,
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  Speaker 1: I reckon, there's something in that. Kids do need to
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  Speaker 1: know their place, and you know what their place.
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  Speaker 2: Is a safe, loving home where they can be seen,
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  Speaker 2: heard and valued.
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  Speaker 1: In your arms, feeling like they matter. It's terrible advice,
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  Speaker 1: but if you put the right spin on it, it can
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  Speaker 1: become really good advice.
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  Speaker 2: Another piece of advice was if you don't force them
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  Speaker 2: to be independent, they will always rely on you.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, so I reckon, if we flip this around and
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  Speaker 1: think about it, this is probably actually a good place
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  Speaker 1: to finish the worst advice ever. This concept that if
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  Speaker 1: you don't force them to be independent, they're always going
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  Speaker 1: to be relying on you, suggests that by supporting our children,
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  Speaker 1: we're making them dependent. But I think if we flip
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  Speaker 1: it around our kids, it's so wonderful when they know
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  Speaker 1: that they can always rely on us. We don't want
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  Speaker 1: them to be dependent on us, but we do want
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  Speaker 1: them to be confident that we, as their parent or
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  Speaker 1: their caregiver, have their back and that we love them
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  Speaker 1: no matter what. And the great irony is that when
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  Speaker 1: kids know that they can always rely on you, they're
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  Speaker 1: less likely to feel the need to It gives them
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  Speaker 1: the courage, though, to explore. And I think that's the
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  Speaker 1: crux of it when I think about how we do
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  Speaker 1: Happy Families right, this business that we've created over the
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  Speaker 1: last fifteen years, it's got a TV show and a podcast,
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  Speaker 1: and or the speaking that I do in the books,
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  Speaker 1: and all the Happy Families membership, the quest everything that
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  Speaker 1: we do online. That all happened because I could rely
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  Speaker 1: on my dad. The story briefly is that in my
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  Speaker 1: mid to late thirties, after finishing my PhD working as
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  Speaker 1: a university lecturer, I rang Dad one day and said,
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  Speaker 1: I think I want to leave the university setting, stop
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  Speaker 1: doing research, stop lecturing, and build a Happy Family's business.
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  Speaker 1: But I've only got enough cash to get my family
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  Speaker 1: through maybe six to nine months, and I don't want
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  Speaker 1: to ever have to rely on your dad. But if
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  Speaker 1: things go badly, if the bottom drops out of this,
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  Speaker 1: can we come and live in your garage until we
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  Speaker 1: get back on our feet. In other words, I'm trying
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  Speaker 1: to do this independently, but if it doesn't work, can
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  Speaker 1: I rely on you to just help us to get
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  Speaker 1: back on our feet? And Dad didn't hesitate. He said yes.
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  Speaker 2: There's so much power in knowing that somebody believes in you, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: and that somebody's willing to step in if things get
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  Speaker 2: too hard.
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  Speaker 1: We do what we do now because my dad said
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  Speaker 1: yes that day and we didn't have to rely on him.
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  Speaker 1: We had a couple of really close moments where we
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  Speaker 1: thought we were going to have to do It's pretty
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  Speaker 1: hard to start running a business, especially when you don't
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  Speaker 1: know how. But here's the thing. When you look at
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  Speaker 1: all of the pairing advice that's bad. The worst pairing
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  Speaker 1: advice that we've got on that Facebook page, and there
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  Speaker 1: were some other really awful ones that we haven't shared
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  Speaker 1: because they were just a little bit too awful to
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  Speaker 1: talk about. But the reason that so much of that
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  Speaker 1: pairing advice is so bad is because it actually tells
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  Speaker 1: our kids that they can't rely on us.
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  Speaker 2: They don't matter. Yeah, but they literally they don't matter.
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  Speaker 2: What they want, what they need is not even thought of.
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  Speaker 1: It's that we don't have their back, like we're putting
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  Speaker 1: conditions on the relationship.
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  Speaker 2: It feels so archaic. It's that kind of thing children
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  Speaker 2: should be seen but never heard. All of that just
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  Speaker 2: feels so dismissive.
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  Speaker 1: Every high quality book that I've read, every well researched
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  Speaker 1: lecture that I've attended, every study that I've personally written
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  Speaker 1: or reviewed, it all tells the same story. The very
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  Speaker 1: core of resilience, the very core of a life well lived,
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  Speaker 1: comes down to the qual of not just the quality
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: the security that we feel with the people that we
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  Speaker 1: have the closest relationships with. We just live better lives.
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  Speaker 1: We live longer lives, We live happier, more productive lives
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  Speaker 1: when we know that the important people in our lives
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  Speaker 1: have got our back. The Happy Families podcast is produced
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  Speaker 1: by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our
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  Speaker 1: executive producer. We hope that this conversation has sparked something
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  Speaker 1: for you. If it has, let us know podcasts at
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot au. That's podcasts with an
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: s at happy families dot com dot au. If you'd
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: like more information about getting the best parenting advice, sign
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: up for the waitlist. The quest our brand new membership
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: where we hold your hand and walk you through the
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: step by step instructions you need to raise your family
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: to flourish. It's all available at Happy families dot com
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: dot au. The waitlist for the Quest is now open.