Latest / The Letterbox Podcast / To The Boy I’m About to Break Up With | A Letter About Leaving Someone You Still Love

Transcript

To The Boy I’m About to Break Up With | A Letter About Leaving Someone You Still Love · The Letterbox Podcast

• 0:00
  Hello and welcome to the Letterbox podcast, the podcast
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  that proves that everyone has a story to tell, one letter at a
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  time. Every episode I read a letter
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  sent in by one of you. They can be about anything,
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  anyone, a moment that changed a life.
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  Some assigned and some are anonymous, but every single one
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  is real. Today's letter was sent in by
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  someone who wants to remain anonymous, but she did say I
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  could share the following details with you.
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  She's a 31 year old woman living in Canada.
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  She lives a life that to many sounds enviable and she says
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  she's happy. However, she dreams of something
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  different and that's where this letter comes in because she's
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  writing a letter to her boyfriend, someone she loves,
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  someone she's been best friends with for many many years and has
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  known long before they got into a relationship.
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  She says the relationship is 1 she is happy in but knows that
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  maybe they're no longer meant for each other.
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  Before I read you this letter today, if you've been enjoying
• 1:11
  the podcast, please do press the follow button.
• 1:14
  Share an episode with someone who you think is going to enjoy
• 1:16
  as well. You guys are doing an amazing
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  job at spreading these letters all across the world.
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  So thank you so much and please keep doing that.
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  Like I said earlier, remember these letters are real.
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  And Please remember to be kind. These letters just give us a
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  little snippet into someone's life.
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  We don't get the full story. And having spoken with her, she
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  knows she's not the only person who's in a relationship where
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  love hasn't faded, but maybe they've just grown apart.
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  So here it is, the boy I'm about to break up with.
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  I've been writing this letter in my head for longer than you'll
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  ever know, because I don't know exactly what I want to say.
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  Every time I think I've found the words, I immediately start
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  trying to unsay them. Writing this feels like a
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  rehearsal, a way of seeing whether I can survive the
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  sentence before I ever have to say it to your face.
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  I'm so, so sorry, and not because I've made-up my mind,
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  but because I know I've been standing with one foot in this
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  relationship and 1 foot outside for longer than either of us
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  deserves. You probably think everything's
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  OK. If one of your friends asked you
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  about us today, I imagine you'd smile and say you've never been
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  happier. The strange thing is, I'd
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  probably say the exact same. That's what makes this so
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  difficult. You haven't become someone
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  different, and neither have I. We talk about the future all the
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  time. Well, at least you start the
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  conversations about it, and I go along with them.
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  From the outside, we probably look like we're the people
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  who've got it figured out. But every now and then a thought
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  appears that I can't seem to put back where I found it.
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  It usually pops up when we're talking about the future.
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  You'll say something about buying a house, or where the
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  children's bedrooms could be, or what age you'd like to be.
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  When you finally settle down, I'll smile.
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  I'll join in. I remember when you sent me that
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  house with the little reading nook and said I can already.
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  I can already picture you sitting there.
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  I told you I loved it. The truth is, all I could think
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  about was whether I'd ever be ready to live in it when I was
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  on my own. Later that day I realised I'd
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  been picturing a completely different life.
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  It's not that my idea is a better one, just different.
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  I want to disappear for months with nothing booked except a
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  flight. I want to wake up somewhere I've
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  never been before and decide what the day looks like over
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  coffee. I want to climb mountains at
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  sunrise, learn to scuba dive, live abroad for a while and
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  build a collection of exciting memories.
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  Not flat pack furniture. I'd love for you to be standing
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  beside me whilst I did it all because I know you'd really love
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  all those things too. But we've had those
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  conversations. You don't want that.
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  Maybe for a holiday, but not for your life.
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  You want to be somewhere that feels permanent.
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  You want to know what your next year looks like.
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  You want a family and a big one, and I know that I don't.
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  Every time we've spoken about it, neither of us has tried to
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  change the other's minds. We just smile, kiss each other
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  and carry on as though wanting different things is just part of
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  us being yin and Yang. Everyone's always said we work
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  because opposites attract, and I believe that we absolutely did.
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  Maybe we still do, but I worry that isn't enough anymore.
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  I think we've both been telling ourselves for too long that
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  it'll eventually solve itself, That one day I'll wake up
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  wanting the same things you do, that I'll be ready to put down
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  roots and stay still. I've waited for that feeling
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  too. I promise you I have.
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  But it just hasn't come. This isn't about another person,
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  by the way. I promise you that there isn't
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  one. You're the one who makes me
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  happy. You're my best friend.
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  I love you. That's what makes this so hard.
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  Because every time I picture choosing the life I want, I also
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  picture asking you to give up yours.
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  And every time I picture choosing yours, there's a part
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  of me that wonders how long it would be before I started
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  mourning the one I never lived. Neither of us deserves that.
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  Least of all. You make it.
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  You're the greatest person I've ever met.
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  I mean that you never told me my dreams were unrealistic.
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  You simply hope that one day they'd look a little more like
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  yours. And I hoped that too.
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  I really did. Maybe that's why I've stayed so
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  long inside this conversation instead of having it.
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  I've been waiting to wake up 1 morning relieved that I don't
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  want those things anymore. It hasn't happened.
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  Wish this letter was angry. I wish I could point to 1 moment
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  and say that's when everything changed.
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  Instead it's just a steady stream of lovely ordinary days.
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  And they leave me with the same question.
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  Are we choosing each other, or are we choosing to avoid the
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  fear of hurting each other? And that really scares me.
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  I know, by the way, that people are going to judge me for not
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  doing this sooner, if I managed to do it at all.
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  They'll say I've been unfair, that I've strung you along.
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  And maybe they're right. That's OK, because there isn't a
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  single thing they'll say about me that I haven't already said
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  to myself. I hate that I'm going to hurt
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  you. I hate knowing you're going to
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  be heartbroken. I'm devastated too.
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  I don't want you to think this has been easy.
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  It hasn't. I love you more than anyone.
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  I don't want a life where you aren't in it.
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  But I know I don't get to choose that once I finally say these
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  words out loud. You deserve the truth sooner,
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  and I'm sorry it took me this long to find the courage to give
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  it to you. I love you always.
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  And there it is, our letter for today.
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  I've kept in contact with this girl and we've had a few back
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  and forths and she told me that last week they did have a
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  conversation. So thank you to our letter
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  writer for today because I know that there will be people
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  listening who too have stayed in relationships far too long for
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  fear of hurting the other person.
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  So once again, if you have enjoyed this podcast today,
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  please do make sure you're pressing the follow button.
• 10:11
  And remember, if you've got a story you want to share, you can
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  do it anonymously. You can put your name to it.
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  It can be about absolutely anything.
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  But get in touch. The e-mail is in the show
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  description or find me on Instagram.
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  I can't wait to hear from you. So until the next setter sending
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  you lots and lots of love.