Latest / Pastor Plek's Podcast / Sapphira Tells The Story Of Finding Jesus After Chaos

Transcript

Sapphira Tells The Story Of Finding Jesus After Chaos · Pastor Plek's Podcast

0:05
SPEAKER_03: And welcome back to Pastor Plex Podcast.
0:07
SPEAKER_03: I'm your host, Pastor Plex, and with me is none other than Sophia Fella Katubby.
0:12
SPEAKER_03: Welcome, Sophia.
0:12
SPEAKER_03: How are we doing?
0:13
SPEAKER_03: Pretty good.
0:14
SPEAKER_03: I am so glad to have you on the show.
0:17
SPEAKER_03: Tell me first off, how did you start coming to Breakaway Church?
0:20
SPEAKER_00: Mariah Cameron.
0:21
SPEAKER_03: All right, so how do you know Maria and Cameron?
0:23
SPEAKER_00: Um Cameron's my brother-in-law, and Maria's my older sister.
0:26
SPEAKER_03: Okay, and so you live with them.
0:27
SPEAKER_03: Yes.
0:27
SPEAKER_03: How old are you?
0:28
SPEAKER_00: 19.
0:29
SPEAKER_03: 19?
0:30
SPEAKER_03: You are like a grown woman.
0:32
SPEAKER_03: Way to go.
0:33
SPEAKER_03: You made it.
0:33
SPEAKER_03: All right.
0:34
SPEAKER_03: So let's talk through from what I understand.
0:37
SPEAKER_03: I mean, your story is kind of on the crazy side.
0:39
SPEAKER_03: I think it's still sort of being finished out, which I love that.
0:42
SPEAKER_03: So let's talk about kind of growing up.
0:45
SPEAKER_03: What was life like for you growing up?
0:49
SPEAKER_03: Was it all about Jesus?
0:52
SPEAKER_02: It was ups and downs.
0:54
SPEAKER_00: It was sometimes and never.
0:58
SPEAKER_03: So break that down sometimes and never.
1:01
SPEAKER_02: Um, so we would go to church off and on, grow up in celebration.
1:05
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
1:06
SPEAKER_02: And we would go to celebrations some Sundays, mostly every Sunday, and then we would have months where we didn't go.
1:13
SPEAKER_02: And it would be like, oh, okay.
1:15
SPEAKER_02: And then we show back up again.
1:16
SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, oh.
1:18
SPEAKER_03: So were you a girly girl back then or were you a tomboy?
1:20
SPEAKER_02: I was pretty girly girl until I was about I would say about eight.
1:27
SPEAKER_03: Eight.
1:28
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
1:28
SPEAKER_03: Was there anything defining moment that happened at eight?
1:30
SPEAKER_03: Or tell me about life before eight.
1:32
SPEAKER_02: Before.
1:34
SPEAKER_02: Um, it was it was pretty decent.
1:37
SPEAKER_02: It was okay.
1:38
SPEAKER_02: I mean, life was pretty good from being born to six years old, and then after that, life kind of went downhill.
1:45
SPEAKER_03: What how describe the downhill part?
1:47
SPEAKER_03: Um what was your family life like?
1:50
SPEAKER_02: My mom was like finally, whenever I was born, and before my brother was born until I was about six years old, my mom was trying to get back on track with life.
1:58
SPEAKER_03: How did she get off track?
2:00
SPEAKER_02: Just drugs going the wrong way and not thinking right.
2:04
SPEAKER_02: And so I guess like what, two years after my little brother was born, my mom decided, hey, let's move to Florida.
2:14
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
2:16
SPEAKER_02: And so we all went, and then she got back on drugs and she started using drugs.
2:20
SPEAKER_03: Was she trying to go to Florida to escape drugs?
2:22
SPEAKER_02: I can't remember.
2:24
SPEAKER_02: No, I don't think so.
2:26
SPEAKER_02: Oh, they were fighting.
2:27
SPEAKER_03: So it was like, we're I'm taking the kids, I'm out of here.
2:30
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
2:30
SPEAKER_02: So basically we all went, and it just that whole situation made it 10 times worse.
2:38
SPEAKER_03: And so what so you were the young second youngest of how many?
2:43
SPEAKER_02: Five.
2:43
SPEAKER_03: Five.
2:44
SPEAKER_03: And so who's your oldest sister?
2:45
SPEAKER_02: Maria.
2:46
SPEAKER_03: So Maria was your oldest sister.
2:47
SPEAKER_03: Was she kind of like a second mom or maybe more, maybe more of a first mom?
2:51
SPEAKER_02: Or yeah, she was like a second mom.
2:53
SPEAKER_02: I wasn't really inside most of the time with any of my other siblings.
2:56
SPEAKER_02: We all were outside at school or at the beach most of the time.
3:00
SPEAKER_03: Hey, living on the beach not bad.
3:01
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
3:01
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so talk to me about like what happened to eight years old where you're like, you know what, women's clothes or girls' clothes is for not me.
3:09
SPEAKER_02: Um, I think it was kind of just the part where like everything was secondhand, kind of passed down, and it was kind of just what I just decided to wear was jeans and a t-shirt and tennis shoes.
3:19
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
3:19
SPEAKER_02: And that's what I did for years and years and years.
3:23
SPEAKER_02: And then I don't know, I just was like more comfortable in it, I guess, because I wore it more often.
3:28
SPEAKER_02: It was my day-to-day.
3:29
SPEAKER_02: And then as I got older, I was just like, I kind of don't know how to dress girly because all I've ever done was wear jeans and tennis shoes and a t-shirt.
3:36
SPEAKER_03: Oh, interesting.
3:37
SPEAKER_02: And so I just kind of grew comfortable into that.
3:40
SPEAKER_02: And then I guess towards junior year, I started becoming girly girl, and then I chopped all my hair off.
3:48
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
3:48
SPEAKER_03: Let's there's a lot there.
3:50
SPEAKER_03: There's a lot there.
3:51
SPEAKER_03: So talk to me about like the drug influence that your mom had on you.
3:55
SPEAKER_03: Was that something that you got engaged in?
3:57
SPEAKER_03: Or like did you like, oh, my mom does drugs, so I don't ever touch drugs?
4:01
SPEAKER_03: Or talk to me about that?
4:02
SPEAKER_02: Um, at that time, I didn't really know.
4:04
SPEAKER_02: I didn't know that whole world at the moment.
4:07
SPEAKER_03: So somehow it was happening happening all around you, but you never really realized it was going on.
4:11
SPEAKER_02: I was kind of just a kid in our own world, planting in trees outside.
4:15
SPEAKER_03: Oh wow.
4:15
SPEAKER_02: I never really paid attention to those things, never thought to do it.
4:19
SPEAKER_02: I knew there was some stuff going on because they were constantly arguing.
4:22
SPEAKER_02: I just didn't know exactly what it was.
4:24
SPEAKER_02: Okay, so seven-year-old running around.
4:26
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, okay.
4:27
SPEAKER_03: So then when does was it every time you start getting to drugs or no?
4:32
unknown: No.
4:32
SPEAKER_03: And kind of stay clear of that.
4:34
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
4:34
SPEAKER_03: So talk to me about like when did like the shift towards being hey, I like girls.
4:41
SPEAKER_03: When when did the lesbian thing hit?
4:45
SPEAKER_02: Um, that was around I would say beginning of freshman year, eighth grade year.
4:52
SPEAKER_03: Talk to me about like the influence.
4:54
SPEAKER_03: What was that like what 2020-ish or something?
4:57
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it was like 2022.
4:58
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
4:59
SPEAKER_03: So tell me about like the the culture in high school.
5:05
SPEAKER_02: The culture in high school, I don't know.
5:08
SPEAKER_02: Everybody kind of has their own world that they live in.
5:12
SPEAKER_02: And I would say for the 26 babies that graduated, our year was pretty normal, I guess.
5:22
SPEAKER_02: It was it's not as crazy as what it is now.
5:24
SPEAKER_03: Wait, 26 babies that graduated, what do you mean?
5:27
SPEAKER_02: I'm a 26.
5:28
SPEAKER_02: I graduated 26 this year.
5:30
SPEAKER_03: Got it.
5:30
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that made sense.
5:31
SPEAKER_03: I thought, never mind.
5:32
SPEAKER_03: Go ahead.
5:33
SPEAKER_02: All right, so so I don't know.
5:35
SPEAKER_02: I feel like our years was like more chill, more normal, I guess, like looking like a normal kid, not going through their weird stage out loud, like like visible.
5:46
SPEAKER_02: Because if you look at like freshman year kids now, you know, hey, you're probably going through your weird stage, and that's okay.
5:52
SPEAKER_02: I mean, go through your own thing.
5:55
SPEAKER_02: Everybody hits that stage, but I don't know.
5:59
SPEAKER_02: I feel like that whole like LGBTQ community thing started off when COVID happened.
6:04
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I think that's when it really popped off because everybody was bound in their house and they're like, Oh, this is acceptable and this is not, and oh, let me try this, let me do that, because they were all stuck inside, yeah.
6:14
SPEAKER_02: And so I guess whenever everybody came out of COVID, they're like, Oh, I'm gay, I'm this, I'm they, them, I'm whatever this is, and I'm whatever that is.
6:22
SPEAKER_02: And I kind of was just a person I'm like, I don't understand that.
6:26
SPEAKER_02: I'm just here in my own world, and I guess I just started developing air quotes feelings for um one of my friends named Yiza, and we were like 14, 15, not even, and practically kids.
6:41
SPEAKER_02: So I honestly look back at it, I'm like, girl, you don't even know what you were doing.
6:46
SPEAKER_05: Right.
6:47
SPEAKER_02: And I don't know, I would say that me would have been like, oh yeah, I'm gay.
6:50
SPEAKER_02: And um now I look at it, I'm like, girl, you don't even know what that is.
6:53
SPEAKER_03: Okay, that's huge.
6:54
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
6:55
SPEAKER_03: Usually when when people even go flirting with uh same-sex attraction, there is usually some sexual trauma in their past.
7:04
SPEAKER_03: Is that true for you?
7:05
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so yeah, yeah, yeah.
7:07
SPEAKER_03: Talk to me about the sexual trauma of the past.
7:09
SPEAKER_01: Um, so let's see.
7:12
SPEAKER_01: About when I was 12.
7:16
SPEAKER_02: 12.
7:17
SPEAKER_03: 12, whenever I was this Florida or no?
7:19
SPEAKER_02: No.
7:19
SPEAKER_02: This is whenever we moved back here when life kind of really got way worse than what it was before.
7:25
SPEAKER_03: Oh, it got worse.
7:26
SPEAKER_02: Yes, it got way worse at this moment.
7:29
SPEAKER_02: This was probably the peak of it.
7:31
SPEAKER_02: This was about, I would say, a couple months before we finally got on track and got on our feet and got stable.
7:36
SPEAKER_03: Like financially stable?
7:37
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
7:37
unknown: Okay.
7:38
SPEAKER_03: This is whenever I did you was there a homeless stint or just what what give me when you when you talk about the instability, is it living in hotels instability?
7:46
SPEAKER_03: Is it living in cars?
7:48
SPEAKER_03: What what what's the situation?
7:49
SPEAKER_02: So we lived in a property on a property in this like trailer, and the trailer was split in half, basically.
7:56
SPEAKER_02: There's a wall dividing it, and on one side was a house, it was like a little apartment, and on the other side was another one.
8:02
SPEAKER_02: And this is a trailer, yes, this is just a single trailer, not a double wide, just a single trailer.
8:07
SPEAKER_03: So did you have your own kitchen?
8:09
SPEAKER_02: Yes, somewhat.
8:10
SPEAKER_03: And was there a bedroom?
8:12
SPEAKER_03: One, and then there was like a living area.
8:15
SPEAKER_02: So it was you walk in and it's living room, and then it's like kitchen, and then there's like a small hallway, not even just like a door, and it's the bedroom, and then the bathrooms in the bedroom.
8:26
SPEAKER_02: It was like that.
8:27
SPEAKER_03: So did you all how many were in this?
8:29
SPEAKER_03: Oh your side?
8:31
SPEAKER_02: It was my nanny, my uncle, my other sister, my little brother, me, and three other dogs.
8:37
SPEAKER_02: So about seven people.
8:39
SPEAKER_03: What?
8:40
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
8:41
SPEAKER_03: I I'm imagining this as being like 150, 200 square feet of living space.
8:48
SPEAKER_02: No.
8:49
SPEAKER_03: It was like, I would say it's like when you look at this room right here, like 50 by 20.
8:55
SPEAKER_03: 50 by 20.
8:56
SPEAKER_03: That's like 100 square feet.
8:57
SPEAKER_03: No, that's like a thousand square feet.
8:59
SPEAKER_02: I would say it would be like this room, but half of it connecting.
9:04
SPEAKER_02: So if you had this room and you cut this room in half and put another piece of it right there connecting, it would be about that big.
9:10
SPEAKER_02: Okay, so it wasn't too big at all.
9:11
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so yeah, you're okay.
9:14
SPEAKER_03: So then um you're in this trailer, you're um you're do you do you sleep in the bed with somebody else?
9:23
SPEAKER_02: I shared the bed with my little brother and my and my dogs, and then Uncle Jay slept on the couch, and then there was like this inflatable, because we had two inflatable mattresses, one in the room and one in the living room.
9:36
SPEAKER_02: And so my other sister slept on that inflatable mattress, and then my nanny slept on the futon.
9:41
SPEAKER_03: Wow.
9:42
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so who slept in the bedroom?
9:44
SPEAKER_02: Me and Karen.
9:45
unknown: Nice.
9:45
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
9:45
SPEAKER_03: All right, so uh, so you're in this situation.
9:49
SPEAKER_03: So what happens that kind of was the was the sexual trauma stuff?
9:54
SPEAKER_02: So I don't know.
9:55
SPEAKER_02: Okay, so when I oh god, so about whenever I was 12, I'm trying to remember if it was before and after.
10:04
SPEAKER_02: It's just my mind's so blurry in this part.
10:07
SPEAKER_02: So I was actually at the time dating my neighbor that lived on the other side of the body.
10:12
SPEAKER_05: Guy or girl guy.
10:13
unknown: Okay.
10:14
SPEAKER_02: And I lost my V card tone.
10:16
SPEAKER_00: Oh wow.
10:17
SPEAKER_02: Exactly on my 13th birthday.
10:20
SPEAKER_02: Was that planned or what?
10:21
SPEAKER_02: No, not even close to planned.
10:22
SPEAKER_02: Like I forgot my birthday was even the next day.
10:24
SPEAKER_02: Like, I wasn't paying attention to the fact that my birthday was the next day.
10:28
SPEAKER_02: I was more worried about making sure my siblings were okay and everything, and that everybody was having a good time, even with nothing.
10:34
SPEAKER_02: So I wasn't really paying attention to those things.
10:37
SPEAKER_02: But I lost my V card to this kid, his name is Matthew.
10:41
SPEAKER_02: And then I guess I think it was the next day.
10:45
SPEAKER_02: I can't remember, because I remember after like hold on.
10:49
SPEAKER_03: Uh you're how old were you?
10:51
SPEAKER_03: 13?
10:52
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
10:52
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
10:53
SPEAKER_03: So uh when you have seven people in a tiny space, is that like this happen inside the trailer or what what what's going on?
11:08
SPEAKER_02: And so um, no, it did not happen in the trailer.
11:15
SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, this is outrageous.
11:17
SPEAKER_01: Um, so basically, I can't believe I'm even talking about this.
11:24
SPEAKER_02: So basically, of course we were kids, and we were all playing outside, and on the other side, so it was like the trailer, and then there was like a fence about 20 feet away from the trailer on the backside.
11:36
SPEAKER_00: And then it was about it was 10 feet over, and then there was this giant hole in the ground.
11:44
SPEAKER_03: Like a giant hole, like what do you mean?
11:46
SPEAKER_00: Like when you say hole, like a dirt hole, like someone dug a hole, like a giant, like a like a machine dug this hole.
11:53
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so a machine dug hole that they didn't like ever do anything with, they just put a hole there.
11:57
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and then what was the purpose of this hole?
11:59
SPEAKER_00: I I don't remember.
12:00
SPEAKER_03: How deep was it?
12:01
SPEAKER_02: It was about, I would say Did you have to climb into it?
12:04
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it was about like eight feet deep.
12:07
SPEAKER_03: Oh, that's deep.
12:08
SPEAKER_03: Okay, and how wide?
12:09
SPEAKER_03: About so it's above your head.
12:12
SPEAKER_00: 15.
12:13
SPEAKER_03: Oh, wow.
12:14
SPEAKER_03: So it's like a that's eight feet deep, 15 feet wide.
12:18
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so it's it's a big massive thing.
12:19
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
12:20
SPEAKER_03: All right, and did you have to climb down in there?
12:21
SPEAKER_02: No, because we we were always playing in that hole because we were like we were the kids that didn't have devices, and so we're playing with sticks and stuff, just running around.
12:30
SPEAKER_02: And so there was kind of like a slope that was made from all of us just running up and down inside of it and like chasing each other.
12:36
SPEAKER_02: And so it's kind of like a slope, but I lost my V card in that hole.
12:43
SPEAKER_03: So uh so I mean, I'm just trying to put this together.
12:47
SPEAKER_03: You're 13, you're like, hey, let's go hang out in the hole, and then what happens?
12:51
SPEAKER_02: Um basically I didn't know it was planned.
12:53
SPEAKER_02: I guess it was planned.
12:54
SPEAKER_02: Um, now that I look at it, I'm like, this was planned.
12:58
SPEAKER_03: So the other kid, he was 13?
13:00
SPEAKER_02: He was, yeah.
13:01
SPEAKER_03: So he has the same age, 13.
13:03
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
13:03
SPEAKER_03: Let's go into the hole and do our thing.
13:05
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so we were kind of just, I really don't remember all of it, but I remember we were like hanging out, and I don't remember how it started, but it just started, and I'm like, oh, okay.
13:19
SPEAKER_02: And like I look at it now, I'm like, girl, you weren't even into that.
13:23
SPEAKER_02: I really wasn't like I think about it now, it's like I was not enjoying myself at all.
13:27
SPEAKER_02: But I like I was 13.
13:29
SPEAKER_03: So had your parents ever talked to you about sex?
13:34
SPEAKER_02: No, I just already knew what it was.
13:35
SPEAKER_02: I figured what it was, I figured it out.
13:37
SPEAKER_03: Like, like, but like so when you're in that position, was there any warning bells going off?
13:41
SPEAKER_03: Like Oh yeah.
13:42
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so you were like, hey, this is probably not good.
13:45
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, but what am I gonna do?
13:47
SPEAKER_03: Leave?
13:47
SPEAKER_03: I mean, did you like him in some way?
13:49
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I liked him.
13:50
SPEAKER_02: Like he was a really, really good friend of mine, and he was a really good kid, and I just I thought he was cute, and I was like, okay, blonde hair, blue eyes, taller than me.
14:03
SPEAKER_02: Which is a big deal because you're tall.
14:04
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I'm tall, I'm like what, five'nine?
14:07
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, pretty tall.
14:08
SPEAKER_02: And so, you know, I thought he was cute growing up and whenever we hung out, but I just never thought it was gonna go that way.
14:14
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so that happens.
14:15
SPEAKER_03: What what what do you do with yourself?
14:17
SPEAKER_03: Is that does that trigger something in you?
14:20
SPEAKER_02: Um, kind of I don't know.
14:22
SPEAKER_02: It through the entire process, I really was just like, This is not what everybody says it's supposed to be like as a 13-year-old knowing something I should not know.
14:32
SPEAKER_06: Right.
14:33
SPEAKER_02: And so after that, we kept on dating, but we never did anything after that.
14:39
SPEAKER_02: I was like, I was like, I'm not doing that again.
14:41
SPEAKER_02: He was like, why?
14:42
SPEAKER_02: I was like, I'm just I don't like it.
14:45
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so then that was was that like the sexual experience, or is there another one that also there were more?
14:51
SPEAKER_02: There were I would say about I don't remember what happened that night.
14:59
SPEAKER_02: Oh oh, so that night So you have sex with a 13-year-old and then of course we used to play outside all night, all night, because we had nothing to do.
15:10
SPEAKER_03: Wait, did you just forget about the fact you had sex again with somebody else that same night?
15:14
SPEAKER_02: This was unwanted sex at this moment.
15:18
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so some people call that rape.
15:20
SPEAKER_03: Is that what that okay?
15:21
SPEAKER_03: All right, so hold on.
15:23
SPEAKER_03: So you have sex with your boyfriend, you're like, ah, I'm not really into that.
15:26
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
15:27
SPEAKER_03: And then that night.
15:29
SPEAKER_02: That night, so we were his uncle.
15:31
SPEAKER_02: Yes, so we were running around playing tiger.
15:34
SPEAKER_02: I can't remember.
15:34
SPEAKER_02: I think we were playing something, I can't remember.
15:37
SPEAKER_02: But we were outside running around, and there was this spot on the on the property where it was like this dirt hill where the fire pit was, because we had this giant fire pit in the middle of the property.
15:48
SPEAKER_03: So is that where you like cook food?
15:50
SPEAKER_02: No, it was where we like burned all the brush and like everything, like all the random stuff that we needed to get off of the property.
15:55
SPEAKER_02: We burned it there.
15:56
SPEAKER_02: And so basically, we were out there playing in the dark.
16:00
SPEAKER_02: All we have is the moonlight, so we're going off of our vision in the dark, and we were all playing, and I see a dirt rock come flying over my head.
16:09
SPEAKER_02: Like, you know, the sand rocks whenever they sit in, yeah.
16:12
SPEAKER_02: It was like one of those.
16:12
SPEAKER_02: I see one going flying over my head, and I'm like, what the heck?
16:16
SPEAKER_02: And I feel one come flying down and hit me, and I'm like, What the heck?
16:21
SPEAKER_02: And everybody was already taking off, and I stopped in my tracks, so they didn't see what happened, but basically he grabbed me and I couldn't recognize who it was in the dark.
16:30
SPEAKER_02: So I'm like trying to fight, fight back, and he was like, Come on, we're going.
16:34
SPEAKER_02: I'm like, Who are you?
16:36
SPEAKER_02: I'm like fighting, I'm like, what's going on?
16:38
SPEAKER_02: He drags me into his house, which is like his trailer?
16:42
SPEAKER_02: Man cave.
16:43
SPEAKER_02: It's like a normal house, it's like a cabin house.
16:46
SPEAKER_03: Wait, but I thought you were just earlier that day, just outside the trailer in a hole.
16:51
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so the trailer is right next to his house.
16:53
SPEAKER_03: Okay, got it.
16:53
SPEAKER_02: So it's like the trailer and then his house.
16:57
SPEAKER_02: And then right here is like a fire pit.
16:59
SPEAKER_05: Oh, a fire pit.
16:59
SPEAKER_02: And then the holes over here.
17:01
SPEAKER_05: Got it.
17:01
SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
17:02
SPEAKER_02: And so basically we were here, everybody's running this way towards the house because there is the trailer and then my other friend's trailer house, which were both about a hundred feet apart from each other.
17:13
SPEAKER_02: And so they run off, and I am being pulled into um his uncle's house.
17:19
SPEAKER_03: Like he's pull like pulling you by the hand, by the hair.
17:21
SPEAKER_02: Like, picks me up.
17:22
SPEAKER_02: Wow.
17:22
SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, like, get off, man.
17:24
SPEAKER_03: Flailing, get going crazy.
17:26
SPEAKER_02: And but of course, no one is paying attention to what's going on, let alone hearing what's going on.
17:29
SPEAKER_03: Where were the sand rocks coming from?
17:31
SPEAKER_02: Him.
17:32
SPEAKER_03: He was throwing them at.
17:33
SPEAKER_02: He was throwing at throwing the sand rocks at us, telling us that we needed to go inside, that we needed to go to bed.
17:39
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
17:40
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
17:40
SPEAKER_03: And then he just decides to pick you up.
17:43
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
17:43
SPEAKER_02: Grabs me, takes me to his house, to his man cave, which was like his house was on the bottom, and then up top was like his man cave, where he had his pool table, his TVs to watch football, where he would bring all of his guy friends to drink.
17:56
SPEAKER_02: They would go up there.
17:57
SPEAKER_02: And so basically he pulled me up there and raped me, basically.
18:01
SPEAKER_02: And through the entire thing, it was, of course, aggressive because I was resisting.
18:07
SPEAKER_02: And I don't remember exactly how long it was.
18:11
SPEAKER_02: It felt like hours, but I don't think it was even close to hours.
18:15
SPEAKER_02: I think it was only a couple minutes.
18:17
SPEAKER_02: But I remember he like literally was just like, get out of here after everything.
18:22
SPEAKER_02: He's like, Go.
18:23
SPEAKER_02: And I walked down the stairs, down the two flights of stairs, walked all the way back to my house.
18:28
SPEAKER_02: And on the way back, my boyfriend's nanny at the time, uh, I can't remember her name.
18:36
SPEAKER_03: Your boyfriend's nanny.
18:38
SPEAKER_03: Oh, is that grandma?
18:39
SPEAKER_02: No, his like his babysitter, I guess.
18:41
SPEAKER_02: Like his nanny, okay.
18:42
SPEAKER_03: So, like uh his cousin, I think.
18:44
SPEAKER_02: And me and her were really, really good friends.
18:46
SPEAKER_03: Right.
18:47
SPEAKER_02: Like I was always hanging out with her, and she was kind of she was the only other girl on the property besides my other friend's sister, but she was always in her own world, and so I always hung out with my boyfriend's cousin slash nanny.
19:01
SPEAKER_02: And so I was walking back to the house, and she was walking around with a flashlight looking for me.
19:06
SPEAKER_05: Oh wow.
19:07
SPEAKER_02: And so basically I had blood on me, and she was like, What happened?
19:12
SPEAKER_02: And then I told her I was like your uncle or whatever, and she was like, No, and I was like, Yeah, and she's like, We need to get you inside.
19:19
SPEAKER_02: I said, I can't go inside.
19:21
SPEAKER_02: I I can't walk into my house looking like this.
19:23
SPEAKER_02: My nanny will have a stroke and someone will go to jail.
19:26
SPEAKER_02: And so basically, yeah, keep going.
19:30
SPEAKER_02: And so basically, I walked up to that house to the trailer, and I kind of just peeped my head in, and I was like, Hey Nanny, um, I'm gonna go home with so and so.
19:38
SPEAKER_02: Um, I'll be back in like a day or two.
19:40
SPEAKER_02: And that's when Nanny was kind of like, whatever, do your own thing.
19:43
SPEAKER_02: And so I was like, I'll be back, I promise.
19:45
SPEAKER_02: And she's like, Okay.
19:46
SPEAKER_02: And so I leave with her and we go to her house, and they clean me up, I get fed, they make sure I'm okay.
19:54
SPEAKER_02: I'm there for about two days, two and a half days.
19:57
SPEAKER_02: Then I come home, and then I still had a bruise on me from the dirt rock, and I finally was like, Nanny, hey, this happened.
20:04
SPEAKER_02: And I didn't tell her the whole thing, I just told her that he threw a dirt rock at me.
20:08
SPEAKER_02: I didn't tell her that he'd raped me.
20:10
SPEAKER_02: And so she was like, I'm calling the cops.
20:12
SPEAKER_02: So she called the cops, the cops came.
20:14
SPEAKER_02: Cops didn't do anything.
20:16
SPEAKER_03: Did you tell him that he raped you?
20:18
SPEAKER_02: I didn't tell him that part.
20:19
SPEAKER_02: And so basically he showed up and he I remember he walked up to the door.
20:23
SPEAKER_02: I was like, uh-uh, I was like keeping my distance.
20:25
SPEAKER_02: I was like, get me away from him.
20:27
SPEAKER_02: But he was like, I didn't do no such thing, this and that.
20:29
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, You threw a dirt rock at me, and I got so much more on you.
20:34
SPEAKER_02: There is so much I have that I can tell right now.
20:37
SPEAKER_02: And but I was like, nah, I don't feel like that would be right to rat him out.
20:41
SPEAKER_03: Why not?
20:42
SPEAKER_03: Why what loyalty did you have?
20:44
SPEAKER_02: I grew up in a house of do not snitch.
20:47
SPEAKER_02: Got it.
20:48
SPEAKER_02: Snitches get stitches.
20:49
SPEAKER_02: If you snitch, you are in the biggest trouble.
20:51
SPEAKER_02: So and I'm still like that.
20:52
SPEAKER_02: I I won't.
20:54
SPEAKER_02: With no matter how bad the information is, I won't tell.
20:57
SPEAKER_02: I have secrets that I've completely forgot about.
21:01
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so all right.
21:04
SPEAKER_03: So how I mean, you're 13, you've been you have sex with your boyfriend, raped by your boyfriend's uncle.
21:12
SPEAKER_03: And how are you able to process that?
21:16
SPEAKER_03: I'm sure that made things very confusing.
21:18
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
21:19
SPEAKER_02: So I don't know.
21:20
SPEAKER_02: I've honestly I wouldn't say I gave you.
21:23
SPEAKER_03: Did your boyfriend know that his uncle raped?
21:25
SPEAKER_02: I told him about like a week after.
21:27
SPEAKER_03: And what did he say?
21:28
SPEAKER_02: He was mad.
21:29
SPEAKER_02: He was mad.
21:29
SPEAKER_02: He's like, I'm telling my mom, and we're gonna get this figured out.
21:32
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, No, because it's gonna start a whole problem.
21:34
SPEAKER_02: And then I refused to tell anyone because we were already in a bad situation that I didn't want to mean like financially and like Yeah, I didn't want the situation to be worse for us.
21:44
SPEAKER_03: What if CPS came and is that what you're worried about?
21:47
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, we were on a property in the middle of nowhere, and my mom was never home.
21:51
SPEAKER_02: And if he were to evict us, we had would have nowhere to go.
21:55
SPEAKER_03: Wait a minute, wait a minute.
21:56
SPEAKER_03: It was he owned the property.
21:58
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, he owned the property.
22:00
SPEAKER_03: And so did it feel like he kind of owned you in a weird way?
22:04
SPEAKER_03: No.
22:04
SPEAKER_03: Or like you couldn't you couldn't tell on him?
22:07
SPEAKER_02: No, I knew I could tell on him.
22:09
SPEAKER_02: I just I never had the urge to tell on him just because of how I grew up.
22:14
SPEAKER_02: I never got it.
22:16
SPEAKER_02: I was always scared to snitch.
22:18
SPEAKER_02: I've learned quick.
22:19
SPEAKER_03: Don't be aw Okay, let me I I know that now this might be going on a tangent, but what snitching, getting stitching, did you witness?
22:29
SPEAKER_02: For him?
22:30
SPEAKER_03: For anybody that made you go, I will never tell.
22:34
SPEAKER_02: Um I don't know, probably the the news, people I grew up around, how they used to talk about like.
22:42
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so it was a cultural thing of don't you wrap me out or If you rad me out or if you rad me out, I'm after you.
22:48
SPEAKER_02: I'm coming after you.
22:49
SPEAKER_02: And that used to be a thing that scared me and be like, oh, I'm not, I'm not snitching, I'm not saying anything.
22:56
SPEAKER_02: Because if people like that are like that, then what makes us different?
23:00
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
23:01
SPEAKER_02: You could do the same thing.
23:02
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so all right, good.
23:03
SPEAKER_03: So now does something shift in you when it comes to men, like men are bad or evil, or I didn't I don't know, because I grew up with terrible men in my life, even before him.
23:14
SPEAKER_02: I grew up with terrible men in my life, and I just I never understood how some men can just be the way that they are aggressive, controlling, and manipulative and narcissistic.
23:27
SPEAKER_02: And that's what I grew up around 99.9% of my time.
23:30
SPEAKER_03: That's what you knew.
23:31
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
23:32
SPEAKER_03: Like, this is what men are.
23:33
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, pretty much bad.
23:34
SPEAKER_02: And then that happened, and I didn't want to be like, oh, this is just how men are.
23:38
SPEAKER_02: Like, I didn't want to sit there and be like, yep, I'm done.
23:40
SPEAKER_02: I don't want to, I don't want anything to do with guys, I don't want anything like that.
23:43
SPEAKER_02: It wasn't a full set, like, okay.
23:46
SPEAKER_02: After that, I kind of was just like, you know what?
23:49
SPEAKER_02: Whatever happens with me and a dude, if I ever talk to another dude, if I ever get with another dude, it whatever happens, happens.
23:54
SPEAKER_02: I can't let something like that pull me back.
23:57
SPEAKER_03: I have to like how'd you get that mindset?
23:59
SPEAKER_03: Like that that's a pretty unique mindset.
24:02
SPEAKER_03: Um, I'm not gonna let that get me down.
24:04
SPEAKER_03: I mean, that's wild.
24:06
SPEAKER_02: I kind of grew up fighting.
24:07
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
24:07
SPEAKER_02: I grew up fighting.
24:08
SPEAKER_02: I didn't really let anything pull me down no matter how hard it got.
24:11
SPEAKER_02: Whenever it came to nothing besides the clothes on my back, it it was always I'm not gonna let this the biggest or the smallest thing tear me down because it's not what's currently happening.
24:24
SPEAKER_02: It's stay focused and try to keep moving.
24:26
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
24:27
SPEAKER_03: Okay, wow.
24:28
SPEAKER_03: All right, so so okay, the sexual trauma's there.
24:31
SPEAKER_03: Is there other sexual trauma in like you're 13, 14, 15 that time frame?
24:36
SPEAKER_03: Not that I can all right, but then other trauma hits your life.
24:40
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
24:41
SPEAKER_02: So, like, like the things that were happening throughout the time of growing up through things I've been told, things I've witnessed, and of course things that I've been through.
24:52
SPEAKER_02: And I don't know, I've just men, there's a lot of men in my life that I really look at after, and I'm like, how like what it like confuses me.
25:02
SPEAKER_02: It's like, how can one man be like that?
25:04
SPEAKER_02: How can one be so evil?
25:07
SPEAKER_02: And it's like you weren't born that way, something happened to you growing up for you to be that way.
25:13
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, like there's no way that you can just come out and be that way, and so I try to not look at men like that because of my childhood.
25:21
SPEAKER_02: I don't want to be like, oh, all men are evil, because they're not, they're really not.
25:25
SPEAKER_02: Like, there's good men out there, there's just that's that one thing I have to get over is letting a man take care of me in the right way, is let them do their job and let me be able to be me.
25:42
SPEAKER_02: Because I don't really know what it means to be a girly girl, I don't know what it means to let someone take care of me.
25:48
SPEAKER_02: I don't know what it means to really let anybody do anything like that, let alone a man.
25:52
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so so talk to me about like the other traumatic stuff.
25:57
SPEAKER_03: There's another thing in there, I think, that you lost someone close to you.
26:00
SPEAKER_02: So around 12 years old, I mean it was before me, before I did anything with my boyfriend and before his uncle.
26:07
SPEAKER_02: Um, so basically, my friend Cole that I grew up with, like elementary, um, basically I would hang out with him now and then.
26:17
SPEAKER_02: Growing up, I I hung out with him all the time.
26:20
SPEAKER_02: But after everything happened, it was kind of hard to go see him.
26:23
SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
26:23
SPEAKER_02: So his dad one day came over to our house, like called me on my on messenger through my mom's tablet or computer she had.
26:31
SPEAKER_02: And she was he was like, Hey Sephira, I'm coming over to your house.
26:34
SPEAKER_02: It was like 3 a.m.
26:36
SPEAKER_03: Three hold on.
26:37
SPEAKER_02: I think it was about 3 a.m.
26:38
SPEAKER_02: It was around.
26:39
SPEAKER_03: Wait, how old are you?
26:40
SPEAKER_03: I'm 12.
26:41
SPEAKER_03: And a dude comes over to your house at 3 a.m.
26:43
SPEAKER_02: It was my best friend's dad.
26:46
SPEAKER_03: Okay, yeah.
26:46
SPEAKER_02: So he calls me, he's like, I'm coming over to the house.
26:49
SPEAKER_02: It's something's wrong with Cole.
26:50
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, okay, he's like, You're the only one that can get him to come out of his room.
26:54
SPEAKER_02: He won't come out of his room.
26:55
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, okay.
26:57
SPEAKER_03: So Did you not think this was weird at 3 a.m.?
26:59
SPEAKER_03: Or you're just like, this is how it was normal.
27:01
SPEAKER_02: It was normal to me.
27:02
SPEAKER_02: Like this kind of stuff was really normal to me.
27:05
SPEAKER_02: And I trusted.
27:06
SPEAKER_03: So what parent is around nobody besides Nanny?
27:10
SPEAKER_02: And Nanny wasn't even parenting.
27:11
SPEAKER_02: Nanny just sat in her recliner and watched YouTube.
27:15
SPEAKER_02: I was basically parenting everybody.
27:20
SPEAKER_02: I had to ask my neighbors for rides to go to the grocery store.
27:25
SPEAKER_03: Okay, we'll get to that in a second.
27:26
SPEAKER_03: Alright, wow.
27:28
SPEAKER_03: So you at 3 a.m.
27:31
SPEAKER_03: Got a call.
27:32
SPEAKER_03: Got a call.
27:33
SPEAKER_03: It's your friend's dad.
27:35
SPEAKER_03: He comes over.
27:36
SPEAKER_02: I so basically I didn't want him to come knock on the door, so I was like, just wait outside at the fence at the gate.
27:43
SPEAKER_02: So I ran from the trailer all the way across the property to the front gate, which was a big run.
27:50
SPEAKER_03: Was there any part of this like that was scary to you?
27:53
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
27:53
SPEAKER_02: I was more scared for my friend Cole.
27:55
SPEAKER_02: I wasn't worried about his dad.
27:56
SPEAKER_03: Oh, okay.
27:57
SPEAKER_03: All right.
27:58
SPEAKER_02: I was like, I need to figure out what's going on because that's my best friend, and that's the I've known him since I was like seven.
28:04
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, okay.
28:05
SPEAKER_02: Younger than that.
28:06
SPEAKER_03: All right.
28:06
SPEAKER_03: So you you've known this kid for a while, so you're gonna go meet his dad.
28:09
SPEAKER_03: His dad says what?
28:10
SPEAKER_02: His dad says he won't come out of his room.
28:11
SPEAKER_02: He's been in his room all day.
28:13
SPEAKER_02: I've been trying to get him out of his room.
28:14
SPEAKER_02: He won't answer me, he won't even pick up the phone, he won't do anything.
28:17
SPEAKER_02: It's been dead silent in his room all day.
28:19
SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, okay, that's not Cole because Cole's either playing video games or he's outside or he's in the living room talking to his dad about baseball.
28:28
SPEAKER_03: At least.
28:29
SPEAKER_03: Alright, so you go to the trailer?
28:32
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
28:32
SPEAKER_02: No, I go to his house.
28:33
SPEAKER_02: So he lives in this um neighborhood about 20 minutes away from our house, which is some random neighborhood.
28:43
SPEAKER_02: I can't remember what neighborhood it was, but it was like a somewhat of a servant, suburban neighborhood.
28:47
SPEAKER_02: It was trying to be one.
28:48
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
28:49
SPEAKER_02: And so we get there, we get to his house.
28:53
SPEAKER_02: I immediately jump out of the truck.
28:54
SPEAKER_02: His dad's getting out of the truck so slow.
28:57
SPEAKER_02: I'm like, okay.
28:58
SPEAKER_02: So I speed up the house.
29:00
SPEAKER_02: I speed up to the house.
29:01
SPEAKER_02: I run upstairs.
29:02
SPEAKER_02: I get to his room.
29:03
SPEAKER_02: I'm knocking on his door.
29:04
SPEAKER_02: I was like, hey, Cole, it's me.
29:05
SPEAKER_02: I'm calm, cool, and collected.
29:07
SPEAKER_02: Because I'm like, anything could happen at this moment.
29:09
SPEAKER_06: Right.
29:09
SPEAKER_02: And so basically he wasn't answering.
29:12
SPEAKER_02: I'm like, hey, Cole, it's me.
29:14
SPEAKER_02: Can you please let me in?
29:15
SPEAKER_02: He wasn't letting me in, wasn't saying anything.
29:17
SPEAKER_02: I heard a click and I know the click of a gun when it's being loaded or it's being loaded or anything like that.
29:25
SPEAKER_04: Talked back.
29:25
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
29:26
SPEAKER_02: I heard that and I was like, Cole opened the door.
29:29
SPEAKER_02: And he wasn't answering me.
29:30
SPEAKER_02: And so I started hitting the door, like trying to bust it open.
29:34
SPEAKER_02: And the second I finally got it open, I can't remember if it was a handgun or a rifle because all of it happened so quick.
29:41
SPEAKER_02: I was not really paying attention to what he was holding.
29:44
SPEAKER_02: I was paying attention to what he was doing.
29:46
SPEAKER_02: And so basically, I the second I get the door open, he shot himself.
29:52
SPEAKER_02: It was one, two, like I opened the door, look up, bam.
29:55
SPEAKER_03: In the head or where?
29:56
SPEAKER_02: In the head.
29:57
SPEAKER_02: So basically, he was kind of like he was sitting on the ground basically.
30:02
SPEAKER_02: I can't remember if it was a rifle or a gun, but he was sitting like this.
30:05
SPEAKER_02: And then whenever I looked up, he looked up, and then it was boom, and it went out this side of his head.
30:12
SPEAKER_02: And it hit the wall and it hit me.
30:14
SPEAKER_02: So it bounced off the wall and hit me.
30:17
SPEAKER_02: And then there was, I can't remember if it was like an opening from right here from whenever it entered, but it was somewhere on this side of his face, and it came off this side.
30:28
SPEAKER_02: And so basically I ran in the room and I I don't remember at all if it was a handgun or a rifle.
30:36
SPEAKER_02: But I remember I ran in and I grabbed him and I couldn't say anything.
30:40
SPEAKER_02: Nothing was coming out.
30:42
SPEAKER_02: Like I wanted to say so much, but I couldn't get anything out at that very moment.
30:46
SPEAKER_02: And it was, I don't know, there was so much happening in that very moment that it's kind of hard to really remember exactly what happened.
30:52
SPEAKER_03: When does the dad come in?
30:53
SPEAKER_02: He was already sprinting up the stairs because it happened like that.
30:57
SPEAKER_02: Because he was downstairs because he didn't want to bother me while I was trying to get him to get come out of his room.
31:01
SPEAKER_03: Oh, that makes sense.
31:02
SPEAKER_02: So the second he heard the gun go off, he came sprinting up the stairs.
31:06
SPEAKER_02: And I was already in the room with Cole.
31:08
SPEAKER_02: I was already holding him.
31:09
SPEAKER_02: I was like freaking out, but I couldn't say anything verbally.
31:13
SPEAKER_02: So his dad ran in, and his dad was like, What happened?
31:17
SPEAKER_02: What happened?
31:17
SPEAKER_02: What happened?
31:18
SPEAKER_02: And he was freaking out and screaming.
31:20
SPEAKER_02: I kind of like tuned him out.
31:21
SPEAKER_02: It was kind of like a like you know Charlie Brown.
31:23
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it was kind of like everything went mute, everything slowed down, yeah, kind of moment.
31:28
SPEAKER_02: And so basically his dad was like, call 911, call 911.
31:32
SPEAKER_02: So his dad handed me his phone, and he I'm trying to call 911, but I'm shaking and I'm like covered in Cole's blood, and I'm like trying to call 911.
31:40
SPEAKER_02: I finally get 911 on the phone.
31:42
SPEAKER_02: They're like, 911, what's your emergency?
31:44
SPEAKER_02: Where's the address?
31:45
SPEAKER_02: What da?
31:46
SPEAKER_02: And I couldn't say anything.
31:48
SPEAKER_02: I couldn't.
31:49
SPEAKER_02: I was just standing there in shock, looking down at Cole, holding the phone, and I'm like, just in complete shock.
31:54
SPEAKER_02: And so his dad grabs the phone, so he starts yelling at the operator.
31:59
SPEAKER_02: And then they're like, okay, stay on call, this and that, or whatever.
32:02
SPEAKER_02: I can't really remember.
32:04
SPEAKER_02: But it was the biggest blur ever.
32:06
SPEAKER_02: But basically, I sat there in the corner of the room the entire time while we were waiting on the ambulance and stuff to get there.
32:13
SPEAKER_02: And his dad was just holding Cole.
32:15
SPEAKER_02: And it kind of blurred out at that very moment.
32:18
SPEAKER_02: And then basically, I stayed at Cole's house with his dad for the first couple of hours after they took Cole away.
32:26
SPEAKER_02: And his dad was just distraught.
32:29
SPEAKER_02: Which is obvious.
32:30
SPEAKER_02: Like that's his son.
32:31
SPEAKER_02: But basically, I stayed there with his dad for a little bit.
32:34
SPEAKER_02: And then I basically cleaned up.
32:37
SPEAKER_02: I took some of his clothes.
32:39
SPEAKER_02: The cops and everything were asking me, where's my mom?
32:43
SPEAKER_02: Do I need to call your mom or anything?
32:44
SPEAKER_02: I was like, no.
32:45
SPEAKER_02: I kept on telling them that Cole's dad was my dad, that I'm fine.
32:48
SPEAKER_02: And so they finally believed me, stopped bugging me on it.
32:51
SPEAKER_02: Because I was like, I can't tell my mom this.
32:53
SPEAKER_02: She's not even in town.
32:54
SPEAKER_02: She's not even in the state.
32:56
SPEAKER_02: I can't tell her this.
32:57
SPEAKER_02: If she finds out that this happened.
32:59
SPEAKER_03: So you know that's not our warrant.
33:01
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
33:01
unknown: Okay.
33:01
unknown: Yeah.
33:02
SPEAKER_02: Oh, I know it's not.
33:03
SPEAKER_03: I just want to make sure that usually girls have their mom at home, and like they can if they had that something that insane happen, they could go bawling to their mom, and their mom would comfort them, but you had no one to comfort you.
33:18
SPEAKER_03: No.
33:18
SPEAKER_03: You're trying to comfort myself and his dad.
33:21
SPEAKER_03: His dad.
33:22
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
33:23
SPEAKER_03: Like, when do you go home?
33:24
SPEAKER_02: I go home that morning, like a couple hours later, because it was the cops were there from the time it happened, which was I would say 340, all the way until they left around about five-ish.
33:41
SPEAKER_03: So did they give a reason for or did he have a reason to kill himself?
33:46
SPEAKER_02: Oh, I there's one thing I can think of because I was there, so his mom had cancer.
33:51
SPEAKER_02: His mom cancer.
33:52
SPEAKER_02: Oh, and we didn't know that she had cancer.
33:55
SPEAKER_02: So by the time it came around to her needing to go to the hospital and everything, it was already too late.
34:00
SPEAKER_03: It was already so has she already passed, or she was yeah.
34:03
SPEAKER_02: So I was there whenever she got it, whenever we found out she had it.
34:07
SPEAKER_02: And through that entire time, he was so up and down and rocky, and he was trying to stay on top of it.
34:13
SPEAKER_02: And I noticed that something was like falling and not functioning.
34:16
SPEAKER_02: I was like, I knew that the depression of him, like, hey, I'm losing my mom.
34:21
SPEAKER_02: Like, and his mom was his best friend.
34:23
SPEAKER_02: So that's like understandable.
34:25
SPEAKER_05: Wow.
34:26
SPEAKER_02: And so basically, I was there when his mom died.
34:30
SPEAKER_02: We went to, I think I didn't, I don't think I went to her funeral.
34:34
SPEAKER_02: I think that was the last funeral I like didn't go to.
34:37
SPEAKER_02: I haven't been to a funeral since Cole, so it's kind of different now.
34:41
SPEAKER_02: It's kind of hard to remember.
34:43
SPEAKER_02: But basically, she dies, so him is dattered, depressed, and losing their mind because of course his mom died.
34:51
SPEAKER_03: And did he have a sibling?
34:53
SPEAKER_03: Nope.
34:53
SPEAKER_03: All right, so you're like his friend.
34:55
SPEAKER_03: He doesn't talk to you about it, he just offs himself.
34:58
SPEAKER_03: You're sad, the dad's sad.
35:01
SPEAKER_03: You you go back home and they go, Hey, where are you?
35:03
SPEAKER_03: Nothing.
35:04
SPEAKER_03: What what do you tell your family when you get back home?
35:08
SPEAKER_02: I whenever I got back home, I remember Kyron and of course my boyfriend at the time were like, Where'd you go?
35:13
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, I walked in the house because Kyron was the first one to stop me.
35:17
SPEAKER_02: He was like, Where did you go?
35:18
SPEAKER_02: I was like, Oh, I went to Cole's house.
35:20
SPEAKER_03: He was like, Is it is this still like in the morning?
35:22
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, this was early in the morning, like early about six o'clock in the morning.
35:27
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
35:27
SPEAKER_02: It was all in that matter of hours from three all the way until six.
35:32
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so yeah, you get home, they're like, What happened?
35:34
SPEAKER_03: And you're and you say what?
35:35
SPEAKER_02: I literally I walked up to Kyron because Nanny didn't care, Kira didn't care.
35:39
SPEAKER_02: Uncle Jay, he does not care.
35:41
SPEAKER_02: He's in his own world.
35:42
SPEAKER_03: And is he a drug-induced world?
35:44
SPEAKER_02: No, he's a schizophrenic.
35:46
SPEAKER_02: Oh, he's very low-functioning, non-functioning, actually.
35:50
SPEAKER_02: Actually, but basically, Kyron goes, What where'd you go?
35:54
SPEAKER_02: I was like, Oh, I went to Cole's house.
35:55
SPEAKER_02: He's like, You good?
35:56
SPEAKER_02: I was like, Yeah, I just went out and hung out with Cole for a minute.
35:59
SPEAKER_02: I guess he needed me.
36:00
SPEAKER_02: And his yeah, I made up a whole lie.
36:02
SPEAKER_03: So why lie?
36:03
SPEAKER_03: Why lie Arthur?
36:05
SPEAKER_02: Because I didn't want to add more weight into the situation that we were already living in.
36:10
SPEAKER_02: And if Kyron found out that Cole died, because Kyron was friends with Cole too.
36:14
SPEAKER_02: Of course, Kyron knows now.
36:15
SPEAKER_03: But Yeah, yeah, but like when did he find find out that Cole died?
36:18
SPEAKER_02: I told him it was about two years later.
36:22
SPEAKER_02: I told him Hold on.
36:24
SPEAKER_02: You kept I kept this whole I kept this this whole thing from the family for like almost four years.
36:31
SPEAKER_03: So you see your best friend shoot his face off, you get have sex, then you're raped, all in the same, and no one hears about any of that?
36:40
SPEAKER_03: You're just kind of bottling all that in.
36:43
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
36:44
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
36:44
SPEAKER_03: Alright, so keep going.
36:47
SPEAKER_02: So basically, I lied to Kyron, didn't tell nobody.
36:50
SPEAKER_03: Is law was lying a thing that you sort of did just so you wouldn't have any more drama?
36:53
SPEAKER_03: Like, I'm gonna say the least dramatic thing possible so people just stop talking to me.
36:57
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
36:59
SPEAKER_03: And did that work?
37:01
SPEAKER_02: Sometimes.
37:02
SPEAKER_03: I mean, did people go, hey, you're lying?
37:05
SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah.
37:05
SPEAKER_02: People would be like, you're lying.
37:06
SPEAKER_02: I'd be like, no, I'm not lying.
37:08
SPEAKER_02: And then then I would lie, I'd be like, oh, I'm not lying, I'm not lying.
37:10
SPEAKER_02: I'd find another way to be like, oh, I'm not lying.
37:12
SPEAKER_02: And it was just because I didn't want to talk about it.
37:14
SPEAKER_03: Okay, that's fair.
37:15
SPEAKER_03: All right, so uh when so two years later, or when do you eventually talk about hey, I was raped?
37:22
SPEAKER_03: When does that when does that come out?
37:24
SPEAKER_02: That was about a year and a half ago.
37:29
SPEAKER_03: So you've been holding on to that for like a long time, yeah.
37:34
SPEAKER_03: How many years is that?
37:35
SPEAKER_03: Six years or so?
37:36
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
37:37
SPEAKER_02: It's a long time.
37:38
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
37:39
SPEAKER_02: All right, so I was fighting my own demons.
37:42
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, okay.
37:42
SPEAKER_03: So, all right, let's all right.
37:45
SPEAKER_03: So you get back.
37:46
SPEAKER_03: Alright, you come back from the that was still Florida.
37:49
SPEAKER_03: No.
37:50
SPEAKER_03: No, that's here.
37:50
SPEAKER_03: Yes.
37:51
SPEAKER_03: Alright, so that's here.
37:53
SPEAKER_03: So you you go to school, right?
37:55
SPEAKER_02: Mm-hmm.
37:55
SPEAKER_03: So basically, I only started going back to school when because it sounds like you're kind of like a feral kid that just like is wild.
38:06
SPEAKER_02: I didn't go to sixth or seventh grade because I wasn't in school those years.
38:10
SPEAKER_02: And so they kind of just pulled me straight into eighth grade.
38:13
SPEAKER_02: And so after Did you even read?
38:15
SPEAKER_02: I mean, like, I mean I mean, I mean, whenever I first went to school, it was kind of it was actually really, really hard because of course I have a really, really bad learning problem from dyslexia and dysgraphia, yeah, and being colorblind.
38:30
SPEAKER_02: And so it's like it's really hard for a lot of things because dysgraphia, it's like it's not like the words are sitting normal, they're everywhere, flipping back and forth, up and upside down, they're everywhere, they're jumbled.
38:43
SPEAKER_02: It's like looking at like the matrix, you know how when all like the numbers and letters pop up in the screen, it's like that.
38:49
SPEAKER_03: So talk to me about like are you an artist though?
38:52
SPEAKER_03: So, how can you do art but you can't do letters or words?
38:56
SPEAKER_02: Um, I'm kind of the I'm like a realism person, so I draw realism.
39:02
SPEAKER_02: So there's not really any, I don't know, I'm like hyper-focused.
39:05
SPEAKER_03: Like realism, like I like bowl of fruit stuff, like people, people like faces, human anatomy, animals.
39:12
SPEAKER_02: I can draw all of that.
39:14
SPEAKER_02: If I really sit down and have the patience when my ADHD is not through the roof, which is almost never, it's always like that.
39:21
SPEAKER_02: It's once in a blue moon will I actually sit down and pay attention to a piece of paper and but you graduate high school.
39:28
SPEAKER_03: Yes.
39:29
SPEAKER_03: Well, okay, so you you've got all this trauma, you're going to school.
39:33
SPEAKER_03: How do you get to like how do you even go to school?
39:36
SPEAKER_02: Um, so basically what school did you go to?
39:39
SPEAKER_02: I went to Lamar Middle whenever I went finally went back to school.
39:43
SPEAKER_02: Because I all I remember is fifth grade and then eighth grade.
39:50
SPEAKER_03: Wow.
39:50
SPEAKER_02: So that's like a big jump for me.
39:52
SPEAKER_03: Is this still dressing like a dude and that kind of stuff?
39:54
SPEAKER_03: All right.
39:55
SPEAKER_02: This is whenever I met my friend Yiza and the whole lesbian thing started happening.
39:58
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
39:59
SPEAKER_03: So he's talk to me about that phase.
40:00
SPEAKER_03: So you've got this this sexual trauma with a dude or a man, and now you're you've got this girl that is like, hey, let's go explore some stuff.
40:11
SPEAKER_02: So basically, so I actually didn't meet her at Lamar Middle.
40:17
SPEAKER_02: I was trans, so I went to Lamar Middle and then transferred to Troy Middle, and then I went to Troy High for the beginning of freshman year before second semester.
40:25
SPEAKER_02: But I went to Lamar Middle, had no clue what the LGBTQ world was.
40:33
SPEAKER_02: I had like an idea, I guess.
40:35
SPEAKER_02: Like I was like, oh, that's weird.
40:39
SPEAKER_02: Like I you don't see that every day, right?
40:41
SPEAKER_02: Kind of thing.
40:42
SPEAKER_02: And I was dressing a little funky, I was going through my weird stage.
40:47
SPEAKER_03: Have you gone out of the weird stage yet?
40:49
SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah.
40:49
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
40:50
SPEAKER_02: I'm I'm way out of my weird stage.
40:53
SPEAKER_03: Okay, good.
40:53
SPEAKER_03: All right.
40:54
SPEAKER_03: So this is not weird.
40:54
SPEAKER_03: Gotta go ahead.
40:56
SPEAKER_02: Basically, you know, I was in my own world middle school.
41:00
SPEAKER_02: Um, I guess I started getting trouble in school at that time.
41:05
SPEAKER_02: I the the Heimlich thingy was going around.
41:08
SPEAKER_02: Um, that's whenever you steal things from school.
41:11
SPEAKER_03: Why is it called a Heimlich?
41:13
SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
41:14
SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
41:15
SPEAKER_03: The Heimlich is what you do to like save somebody from choking.
41:18
SPEAKER_03: We're just like, it's the Heimlich maneuver.
41:20
SPEAKER_03: We just steal stuff.
41:20
SPEAKER_03: All right.
41:20
SPEAKER_02: Basically, in high in like high school and middle school, kids were stealing bathroom stalls, teachers, um, clipboards, anything off their desk, soap dispensers, toilets, like chairs, desks, tables.
41:36
SPEAKER_03: What would you do with the stuff?
41:37
SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
41:38
SPEAKER_03: You just stole it.
41:40
SPEAKER_02: I remember one of the kids in middle school stole a whole bathroom stall.
41:44
SPEAKER_03: That's impressive.
41:44
SPEAKER_03: Was everyone pretty thrilled about that?
41:46
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that was really insane to witness because I was right down the hallway witnessing that and no one did anything.
41:51
SPEAKER_03: Like walked out with the stall.
41:53
SPEAKER_02: Yes, like took the whole stall from the bathroom and walked out the doors.
41:57
SPEAKER_03: Was there any actual learning happening at the school?
42:00
unknown: Yeah.
42:01
SPEAKER_02: There was actual learning.
42:02
SPEAKER_03: There was times I mean in between st stall ceiling.
42:05
SPEAKER_03: You'd you learn some basic math.
42:07
SPEAKER_02: I mean, yeah.
42:08
SPEAKER_02: So basically, I mean, I was learning to a certain extent because my learning disability.
42:14
SPEAKER_02: All right.
42:14
SPEAKER_03: So I was- Did you get any special help though?
42:16
SPEAKER_02: We tried for years and years and years.
42:19
SPEAKER_02: All the way I didn't get any actual help until the ending of my junior year.
42:23
SPEAKER_02: Wow.
42:24
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
42:24
SPEAKER_02: So that's what four years.
42:27
SPEAKER_03: Did they realize you couldn't read or what?
42:28
SPEAKER_02: No, they knew I just couldn't.
42:30
SPEAKER_02: They knew.
42:31
SPEAKER_02: They knew I couldn't read.
42:32
SPEAKER_03: They just Can you read now?
42:34
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
42:34
SPEAKER_02: I can read.
42:35
SPEAKER_02: It's just you give me something that has a giant word on it.
42:38
SPEAKER_02: It's I'm like losing my mind.
42:40
SPEAKER_03: I mean what's giant?
42:42
SPEAKER_03: Like ten letters?
42:43
SPEAKER_03: Ten letters.
42:43
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
42:44
SPEAKER_02: Anything above, I would say nine to eight letters.
42:49
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
42:50
SPEAKER_02: Pretty big.
42:50
SPEAKER_02: All right.
42:51
SPEAKER_02: It's kind of hard.
42:52
SPEAKER_02: So I'm like over here on the paper breaking it down and making sure everything okay.
42:58
SPEAKER_03: That's good to know.
42:59
SPEAKER_03: So um, okay, all right.
43:00
SPEAKER_03: So when when does this things, you know, is there an uptick somewhere along the line, or a point where you're like, hey, the LGBTQ stuff is weird?
43:10
SPEAKER_03: Or like, what happens?
43:11
SPEAKER_03: Or like you're just like, give me, give me the I this is wild to me.
43:16
SPEAKER_03: Like your story is like we're like only like a year and a half ago you told anyone that you got raped.
43:21
SPEAKER_03: Like that you're carrying all of this weight and trauma and darkness.
43:25
SPEAKER_03: And is does Jesus come in anywhere?
43:28
SPEAKER_03: Give me the yeah, give me the light in the dark, man.
43:31
SPEAKER_03: I'm like, I'm like, I'm desperately needing your story to have a like a bow on the end here.
43:35
SPEAKER_03: All right, what so what happened?
43:37
SPEAKER_02: Basically, of course, I grew up basically going to church now and then.
43:41
SPEAKER_02: Would say I grew up in a Christian household.
43:44
SPEAKER_02: It was kind of it was weird off and on.
43:46
SPEAKER_02: So it's I was born into it, but wasn't really, it was kind of just an off and on kind of thing with the family.
43:52
SPEAKER_05: Okay.
43:53
SPEAKER_02: But um towards eighth grade, I wasn't like through the whole entire time.
44:00
SPEAKER_02: Time of my life being Rocky, it was never going to church, didn't really, wasn't able to really do that.
44:07
SPEAKER_02: I mean, my nanny would pull out her Bible and I would be like, What's that?
44:12
SPEAKER_02: And be like, that's a lot.
44:15
SPEAKER_02: Looking at a Bible was overwhelming for me.
44:17
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it's a lot of words.
44:18
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I would look at it and be like, yeah, no.
44:20
SPEAKER_02: Or like, if you hand me the King James version, I'm like, I can't do that.
44:24
SPEAKER_02: I can't do that.
44:25
SPEAKER_02: Hand me the normal English version.
44:27
SPEAKER_02: But basically, around freshman year, I got my first relationship with a girl.
44:34
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
44:34
SPEAKER_02: Long term.
44:35
SPEAKER_03: And was she a girly looking girl?
44:38
SPEAKER_03: Yes.
44:38
SPEAKER_03: So it's like she was.
44:39
SPEAKER_02: She was like a she was girly girl, but she had.
44:43
SPEAKER_03: Did she wear a dress?
44:45
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
44:46
SPEAKER_03: What what was her non-girly aspect?
44:48
SPEAKER_02: Blue jeans, chucks, a baggy t-shirt, and jewelry.
44:54
SPEAKER_03: Oh, I mean, that's Tomboy.
44:56
SPEAKER_02: That's girly.
44:56
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, okay.
44:57
SPEAKER_03: I mean, that's not even Tomboy.
44:58
SPEAKER_03: That's like standard girl up there now.
44:59
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
45:00
SPEAKER_02: And so basically I got in a relationship with her, met her through a friend that I went to Lamar Middle.
45:07
SPEAKER_03: So did she like how did like okay?
45:09
SPEAKER_02: I met her at church.
45:11
SPEAKER_03: Of course she did.
45:12
SPEAKER_03: All right.
45:13
SPEAKER_03: So how how did you meet her at church?
45:16
SPEAKER_02: So basically, so in Lamar Middle, I had a friend named Kyla, and we were really, really close.
45:21
SPEAKER_02: Then I left Lamar Middle and I went to Troy Middle.
45:25
SPEAKER_02: She transferred from Lamar Middle to Troy Middle because she lived in Waco, but her parents didn't want her to go to Way, Waco Middle because Waco is really, really ghetto and the schools are always getting shot up or set on fire.
45:37
SPEAKER_02: So she was like, hey, I'm gonna have to.
45:38
SPEAKER_03: Sound like Paris.
45:39
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
45:40
SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna have I'm gonna have you go to Troy Middle.
45:43
SPEAKER_02: And we happened to figure out, hey, we went to the same school.
45:46
SPEAKER_02: And I wanted to start going to church on my own.
45:49
SPEAKER_02: I wanted to start doing my own thing.
45:50
SPEAKER_02: I was like, I need to I can't really remember, but I remember I was like, I'm gonna go to youth group.
45:54
SPEAKER_02: I need to find a youth group, I need to do something.
45:57
SPEAKER_02: And so Kylo was like, Oh, I go to youth group in Waco at this church.
46:02
SPEAKER_02: We do youth group at what church was it?
46:05
SPEAKER_02: I I do not remember wasn't Harris Creek Baptist, was it?
46:10
SPEAKER_02: No, no, you it's like whenever you go, yeah.
46:13
SPEAKER_03: It was like Oh, they were gay afirmed church.
46:16
SPEAKER_02: No, no, that church did not agree with me and my ex-girlfriend's relationship at all.
46:22
SPEAKER_05: Hmm.
46:22
SPEAKER_02: All right, no, we kept it secret for like the longest time.
46:25
SPEAKER_02: Okay, and so basically she was like, Hey, I have a friend.
46:30
SPEAKER_02: I think you would think she's really cute.
46:32
SPEAKER_03: And I was like, So wait, is this a girl at the youth group?
46:35
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
46:35
SPEAKER_03: This is a said, Hey, I got another girl that you think was really cute.
46:38
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, this is the one I went to school with and invited me to go to youth group.
46:40
SPEAKER_03: Man, your world has been so confusing.
46:43
SPEAKER_03: I like how you're existing at all, I give you full credit for like the challenges.
46:48
SPEAKER_03: All right, so you get to a church, you're like, I need God in my life, and the first thing that happens is like, hey, there's this really cute girl, you should meet her.
46:54
SPEAKER_02: All right, so basically, whenever she told me that we were in school, we were in math class, and she was like, Hey, I have a friend.
47:01
SPEAKER_02: I think you would I think you would think she's really cute.
47:03
SPEAKER_02: She shows me a picture of her, I'm like, Okay, okay, she's pretty cute.
47:08
SPEAKER_02: Then we go to youth group that Wednesday night, and she told her friend, which is my ex-girlfriend before I even knew it, um, that I was coming and that she wanted her to meet me and all this and that.
47:22
SPEAKER_02: And we met each other.
47:24
SPEAKER_02: It was the craziest way we met each other.
47:26
SPEAKER_02: It was actually kind of funny thinking about it now.
47:28
SPEAKER_02: But basically, I pulled up there, I got there, and she took off inside of the church because she was part of sound, the sound crew for youth group, and so she took off, and she was like, Oh, I had to go do something for sound, and I'm like, Okay.
47:41
SPEAKER_02: So I met her, and then we had youth group, and it was it was so I look at it now, and it's like bruh.
47:50
SPEAKER_02: It's like, what were you doing?
47:52
SPEAKER_02: That's weird.
47:52
SPEAKER_02: You were being weird in church.
47:54
SPEAKER_02: It was like we were we went to youth group, and I remember for worship they started playing.
48:02
SPEAKER_02: They started what what they started playing oceans, okay, and of course, that's my favorite song.
48:10
SPEAKER_02: I love that song.
48:11
SPEAKER_03: That's a great song.
48:12
SPEAKER_02: My favorite song of all time.
48:13
SPEAKER_02: Grew up listening to that song.
48:14
SPEAKER_03: That song all's the funny part.
48:16
SPEAKER_01: Marie just looked at me funny, and so basically we were sitting there, and of course, I'm sitting there feeling the Holy Spirit.
48:25
SPEAKER_01: I'm getting into it, worshiping.
48:27
SPEAKER_02: And I look over, and my ex-girlfriend legs are bouncing rapid fire, and she's like picking at her fingernails and she's looking down.
48:36
SPEAKER_02: And I look over at her, I'm like, Are you okay?
48:39
SPEAKER_02: What's wrong?
48:39
SPEAKER_02: And she goes, Nothing, nothing, nothing.
48:41
SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, Okay.
48:44
SPEAKER_02: And so basically, it was just rapid fire.
48:46
SPEAKER_02: And she was sitting right next to me.
48:47
SPEAKER_03: So my chair's she had bad ADHD too.
48:49
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and so huge anxiety.
48:51
SPEAKER_02: So she was like kind of setting mine off too.
48:52
SPEAKER_02: So I'm like trying to stay calm.
48:54
SPEAKER_03: So you got you have sympathetic ADHD of okay, got it.
48:56
SPEAKER_02: And so basically, her ADHD was going rapid fire.
49:01
SPEAKER_02: And so basically, I literally just put my hand on her knee to tell her to chill out.
49:05
SPEAKER_02: I was like, calm down, you're fine.
49:08
SPEAKER_02: And so basically, after that whole day, that whole night of worship, we were like this, like, would not let anybody separate us.
49:18
SPEAKER_02: Like, we were like, it was so bad.
49:21
SPEAKER_02: We were velcroed to each other, like it was Velcro, nice.
49:25
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
49:26
SPEAKER_02: That's like the best way I can explain that relationship.
49:27
SPEAKER_03: Like, did you have sex with her or what?
49:29
SPEAKER_03: Yes.
49:29
SPEAKER_03: Wow, like how soon?
49:31
SPEAKER_02: Not soon, not soon at all.
49:33
SPEAKER_02: It was because me and her relationship was very questionable.
49:37
SPEAKER_03: Wait, what do you mean?
49:39
SPEAKER_03: Okay, hold on.
49:41
SPEAKER_03: So you touch her leg, you become Velcro, but you don't sleep with her.
49:48
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
49:49
SPEAKER_03: Oh but then you do sleep with her.
49:51
SPEAKER_02: Okay, so basically her her she had her own family problems.
49:55
SPEAKER_02: Her mom was a alcoholic.
49:58
SPEAKER_02: Her her real dad was no longer in the picture because he was abusive.
50:02
SPEAKER_02: And then seems to be a pattern.
50:04
SPEAKER_02: Her stepdad, honestly, I think they were all tweaking because like when we say tweak, we're talking coke.
50:11
SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
50:12
SPEAKER_02: I don't know what they were doing, but they were doing something.
50:14
SPEAKER_03: A lot of drugs, okay.
50:15
SPEAKER_03: Yes.
50:16
SPEAKER_02: And growing up in that world, I know when somebody's doing drugs or not.
50:21
SPEAKER_02: And they obviously were, but I was just sure.
50:24
SPEAKER_03: Is she doing drugs?
50:25
SPEAKER_02: No.
50:26
SPEAKER_02: No.
50:27
SPEAKER_02: I mean, maybe.
50:30
SPEAKER_02: Just yeah.
50:32
SPEAKER_03: High potential that there was drug use.
50:33
SPEAKER_03: Okay, got it.
50:34
SPEAKER_02: I mean, from her actions and from what she's like.
50:36
SPEAKER_03: She was tweaking, like, or we're sitting right there with the anxiety.
50:39
SPEAKER_03: Like, it was like she melting down or what?
50:42
SPEAKER_01: No, like, I don't know.
50:43
SPEAKER_01: Honestly, she I don't know.
50:45
SPEAKER_02: She would tell me things before she met me.
50:48
SPEAKER_02: I'm I was 15 at this time, so it's like freshly 15.
50:52
SPEAKER_02: So I'm like looking at it, I'm like, I look at it, I'm like, yeah, no, I think we were all just a mess, and we really were just trying to be pitied.
51:01
SPEAKER_02: But basically, trying to be pity.
51:04
SPEAKER_03: What does that even mean?
51:05
SPEAKER_02: That's was her mentality because let's be pity.
51:08
SPEAKER_02: Like, she didn't get it.
51:10
SPEAKER_03: Sounds like a Democrat platform.
51:11
SPEAKER_03: What do you I would talk to me about what that means?
51:14
SPEAKER_01: So basically, like anything that will be like messed up.
51:21
SPEAKER_02: I don't know, because I grew up in a messed up world.
51:23
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you did.
51:24
SPEAKER_02: So, like, what she would say would be messed up.
51:26
SPEAKER_03: I'm sitting there, I'm like You would think it was messed up.
51:28
SPEAKER_02: No, she thinks it's messed up.
51:30
SPEAKER_02: I'm like sitting here, I'm like, that's like nothing.
51:32
SPEAKER_03: That's life.
51:33
SPEAKER_02: It's not even that bad.
51:34
SPEAKER_02: It's like that's normal.
51:35
SPEAKER_02: Those things happen, right?
51:36
SPEAKER_02: Grow up, grow up.
51:37
SPEAKER_02: Like this stuff happens, suck it up.
51:39
SPEAKER_02: And she would hate that I would be like that.
51:41
SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, I'm sorry, I mature.
51:43
SPEAKER_02: I'm sorry I had to mature at a very, very fast pace.
51:46
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
51:46
SPEAKER_02: And and it's like, I don't know.
51:48
SPEAKER_03: Like, what kind of stuff was she upset about?
51:53
unknown: Wow.
51:55
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
51:56
SPEAKER_01: This relationship is so rocky.
51:58
SPEAKER_01: It's so like I look at it, I'm like, You were 15.
52:00
SPEAKER_02: So I mean I was 15.
52:02
SPEAKER_02: It was just off and on.
52:03
SPEAKER_02: It was basic teenage activity.
52:07
SPEAKER_02: Basic, like, I'm gonna argue with you over the stupid, stupid, stupid little things.
52:13
SPEAKER_02: Like, this wasn't done right.
52:14
SPEAKER_02: Why'd you say it like that?
52:15
SPEAKER_02: Why are you looking at me like that?
52:16
SPEAKER_02: Why'd you do that?
52:17
SPEAKER_02: Why aren't you doing this?
52:18
SPEAKER_02: Why aren't you doing what you promised me?
52:20
SPEAKER_02: It's like you can only do so much in this world, and you can only give so much.
52:24
SPEAKER_03: I'm so glad I don't have girls.
52:26
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so talk to me about like uh so you've got like the sexual experience going on, you're at church, like you're you haven't processed rape, you still got the the death of your best friend hanging over your head.
52:41
SPEAKER_03: All these different things are like, you know, and you're now just trying to tell this girl to suck it up, buttercup, like life's not that bad, and she's freaking out.
52:49
SPEAKER_03: How do you how do you end up?
52:52
SPEAKER_03: I don't want to call you normal yet, but like how do you how do you get to this place of like I don't know, sort of like you're able to talk about it all.
53:01
SPEAKER_03: I mean, like you're you're able to function pretty well.
53:03
SPEAKER_03: So at least you can put on a show for at least however long we've been talking.
53:07
SPEAKER_02: So basically, Maria's kind of the reason all your sister.
53:10
SPEAKER_02: Yes, but I don't know, growing up with her with with my ex, she knew the whole thing.
53:17
SPEAKER_02: I just never really went into detail with my childhood with her.
53:20
SPEAKER_02: I still don't go into detail too much with my childhood.
53:22
SPEAKER_02: Well I'm crazy too much.
53:26
SPEAKER_03: All right, so so yeah, all right, so you're you Maria comes back into your comes back into your world or no Maria, so we moved into this property on in Troy on some like what seven acres, something like that.
53:40
SPEAKER_02: I can't remember how many acres it is.
53:42
SPEAKER_02: We still actually have the property.
53:43
SPEAKER_02: I was just there this weekend.
53:44
SPEAKER_02: So um, so basically Maria moves out there to take care of us, me, Kira, and Kyron, and everybody, because my mom had to go back to prison.
53:56
SPEAKER_03: Well, how wait, your mom goes to prison, your your sister how old was your sister?
54:00
SPEAKER_02: Kira or Maria?
54:01
SPEAKER_03: Maria.
54:03
SPEAKER_02: She was 19.
54:04
SPEAKER_03: She was 19 taking care of you.
54:07
SPEAKER_02: Yep.
54:08
SPEAKER_02: And my nanny, my uncle, the what, five dogs we had at the time, and the and Cameron would moved with her, so Cameron was at the house too.
54:19
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
54:20
SPEAKER_02: And then it was me and Kira and Kyron, and we all lived in this small house in Troy.
54:27
SPEAKER_02: And we still have the house.
54:28
SPEAKER_02: It's a two-bedroom.
54:29
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so how did you ever okay?
54:31
SPEAKER_03: So when when do you move from Troy back to Austin area?
54:37
SPEAKER_02: Ooh.
54:39
SPEAKER_02: About Yeah, it was about a year later.
54:43
SPEAKER_02: I kind of was off and on between eighth grade because I was never really home because Maria and Cameron had a house in Flugerville.
54:51
SPEAKER_02: And I met my best friend.
54:52
SPEAKER_03: Is that when they were doing like the drug rehab people?
54:54
SPEAKER_03: Yes.
54:55
SPEAKER_02: I met my best friend there.
54:58
SPEAKER_02: So one of the people there for drug rehab.
55:01
SPEAKER_02: No, straight as a pencil.
55:03
SPEAKER_02: Oh, she her mom was there for drug rehab, and her mom brought her daughter over for Thanksgiving, I think.
55:11
SPEAKER_02: And her mom was like, Hey, you'll really like my daughter.
55:14
SPEAKER_02: Y'all would be best friends, y'all click like this.
55:16
SPEAKER_02: Oh, we clicked like this.
55:17
SPEAKER_02: We we never left each other's side since that day.
55:21
SPEAKER_02: And we're, of course, she started her own life.
55:23
SPEAKER_02: She has a house, she's engaged, she has a fiance, she has her dog, she has an amazing job.
55:30
SPEAKER_02: She's doing so good, and I'm so proud of her.
55:33
SPEAKER_02: But at that time, we were just constantly with each other.
55:36
SPEAKER_02: I practically moved into the house.
55:38
SPEAKER_02: I never came back home after that week.
55:41
SPEAKER_02: I just stayed home.
55:43
SPEAKER_02: And so basically, I moved in with them.
55:47
SPEAKER_02: I stayed there.
55:48
SPEAKER_02: Me and Lex shared a room.
55:50
SPEAKER_02: And during the summer, yeah.
55:54
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it was just yeah.
55:56
SPEAKER_02: And so I was there the entire time, was never back in Troy.
56:02
SPEAKER_02: If I was back in Troy, I was helping with the property, cleaning it up, making sure it was okay for people to walk around and for things to be done.
56:10
SPEAKER_03: Cleaning it up, what do you have to clean?
56:11
SPEAKER_02: Like the brush.
56:12
SPEAKER_02: Because it was all overgrown.
56:14
SPEAKER_03: Got it.
56:15
SPEAKER_02: And so basically lived with my best friend for like the first year.
56:21
SPEAKER_02: It was some I don't know.
56:22
SPEAKER_02: It was I don't know.
56:24
SPEAKER_02: But basically, we moved back to Flugerville, and I still lived with Lex and we started going to school.
56:34
SPEAKER_02: I went to um I transferred, yeah, I moved to Round Rock High, and I was still with my ex at the time.
56:46
SPEAKER_02: And went to Round Rock High, was with my ex while living with my best friend in Maria's house, basically.
56:56
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it was basically Cameron's house.
56:59
SPEAKER_02: Living there, going to school.
57:01
SPEAKER_02: I was getting picked up, dropped off by Lex's mom, and then Matt, one of our roommates, one of our close, close friends to this day.
57:10
SPEAKER_02: Um basically was and then they moved back in a couple months later, and then then that's when my relationship started getting rocky.
57:22
SPEAKER_03: With the girl, this is your 15.
57:24
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, first love.
57:25
SPEAKER_03: First love.
57:26
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
57:27
SPEAKER_02: And so basically it starts getting rocky.
57:29
SPEAKER_02: She stops answering me for months, and when she does, it's for 20 minutes to start an argument saying I did this, saying I did that, saying I was cheating, all this and that.
57:38
SPEAKER_02: You could ask everybody that comes here.
57:40
SPEAKER_02: I wasn't doing any of that.
57:42
SPEAKER_02: I was I'm the most loyal person.
57:44
SPEAKER_03: Do they come to our church?
57:45
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
57:46
SPEAKER_03: Oh, wow.
57:46
SPEAKER_03: All right.
57:47
SPEAKER_03: Oh, okay.
57:48
SPEAKER_03: I thought you meant.
57:49
SPEAKER_03: Never mind.
57:49
SPEAKER_03: All right.
57:51
SPEAKER_03: All right, good.
57:52
SPEAKER_03: All right.
57:52
SPEAKER_03: So, all right, so then eventually, do you move here?
57:56
SPEAKER_02: I think we moved, yeah, we moved here around freshman year.
58:00
SPEAKER_03: All right, and then what school do you go to?
58:02
SPEAKER_02: I went to Round Rock High all four years.
58:03
SPEAKER_03: You went to Round Rock High.
58:04
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so at Round Rock High, were you part of like the gay and lesbian club or something?
58:09
SPEAKER_03: Oh.
58:10
SPEAKER_03: All right.
58:10
SPEAKER_02: So I was not that weird.
58:12
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
58:12
SPEAKER_03: Is that a weird thing?
58:14
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
58:14
SPEAKER_02: If you're in that club, you you are begging for attention.
58:18
SPEAKER_02: That's how I see it.
58:19
SPEAKER_03: Oh wow.
58:21
SPEAKER_02: That's that's it's brutal, but it's true.
58:24
SPEAKER_02: That's how I see it.
58:25
SPEAKER_03: Wow.
58:26
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so you're begging for begging for attention.
58:28
SPEAKER_03: Like, and how many people are begging for attention?
58:33
SPEAKER_03: Is it a lot?
58:34
SPEAKER_02: There was a lot of people in that club in Round Rock High.
58:37
SPEAKER_02: There's a lot.
58:38
SPEAKER_02: I mean, there's a lot of people that even weren't that weren't even in the club that were still part of the community.
58:44
SPEAKER_02: And I give kudos to them because, like, good, don't join the club.
58:48
SPEAKER_02: You don't need to be surrounding yourself with that people because they just are slow.
58:52
SPEAKER_02: And that's how I see it.
58:57
SPEAKER_03: Slow.
58:59
SPEAKER_01: There's a theory.
59:01
SPEAKER_03: What are you talking about?
59:04
SPEAKER_03: Oh my wait, what?
59:09
SPEAKER_01: So, okay.
59:11
SPEAKER_02: There's a theory.
59:13
SPEAKER_02: The gayer, the gayer you are, the more homophobic you get.
59:17
SPEAKER_02: I don't think that's a real thing.
59:19
SPEAKER_02: I think it's because you're civilized and you have your head on your shoulders.
59:23
SPEAKER_02: And okay, no, but looking at it at from Hold on, hold on.
59:28
SPEAKER_03: You're telling me, wait, wait.
59:30
SPEAKER_03: They're actual, I don't man, I don't even know how to say this.
59:32
SPEAKER_03: Same-sex attractive people that are seriously same-sex attractive, but they are the most homophobic?
59:38
unknown: Yes.
59:39
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
59:39
SPEAKER_02: So basically, you know how like nowadays, if you misgender somebody, they freak out.
59:45
SPEAKER_02: I look at that person dead in the eyes.
59:47
SPEAKER_02: I'm like, I'm gonna look at you how God created you and how I see you.
59:50
SPEAKER_02: If I see you as a woman, you're a woman.
59:52
SPEAKER_02: If I see you as a man, you're a man.
59:54
SPEAKER_02: Whatever God puts you on this earth as, that's what you are.
59:57
SPEAKER_02: Because that is what it is.
59:59
SPEAKER_03: So hold on.
59:59
SPEAKER_03: Are there trans kids at school?
1:00:01
SPEAKER_03: Yes.
1:00:02
SPEAKER_03: All right.
1:00:02
SPEAKER_03: And so what are these trans kids like?
1:00:05
SPEAKER_03: Do they go into the other bathrooms and stuff?
1:00:08
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
1:00:08
SPEAKER_02: There's I had there is a sophomore in my junior year.
1:00:15
SPEAKER_03: And is it weird though?
1:00:17
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
1:00:17
SPEAKER_03: It's it's kind of like as a woman, you're like.
1:00:20
SPEAKER_02: I mean, I get used to it over time.
1:00:22
SPEAKER_03: Like it's like, okay, so there's a dude just peeing next to you, and you're I guess I guess he has a full stall situation.
1:00:27
SPEAKER_02: But it's like, you know, it's a dude.
1:00:29
SPEAKER_02: You know it's a whole dude.
1:00:30
SPEAKER_02: He goes in the bathroom, does his business in the stall, like a like a woman.
1:00:34
SPEAKER_03: Does he stand?
1:00:34
SPEAKER_03: No, he doesn't stand.
1:00:35
SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
1:00:36
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
1:00:36
SPEAKER_02: And then comes out and then does his own thing, right?
1:00:41
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
1:00:41
SPEAKER_02: I I am so used to it that it's kind of like, okay, whatever.
1:00:46
SPEAKER_02: But I don't think that's that's not how it should be.
1:00:48
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
1:00:49
SPEAKER_02: And those kind of people get mad when you tell them, hey, you can't do this.
1:00:52
SPEAKER_02: Why are you coming into the women's bathroom?
1:00:54
SPEAKER_02: You're a man, and they start freaking out.
1:00:56
SPEAKER_02: I'm like, bro, y'all are asking too many questions.
1:00:59
SPEAKER_02: I mean, they have a point, but don't even like bother to start a problem.
1:01:05
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so where do you fall into this?
1:01:09
SPEAKER_03: You're the most confusing person.
1:01:11
SPEAKER_03: Like, I I'm confused.
1:01:13
SPEAKER_03: Like, so you're you just broke up with your girlfriend.
1:01:16
SPEAKER_03: How long ago was that?
1:01:17
SPEAKER_01: I broke up with her five years ago.
1:01:22
SPEAKER_02: So it was 2022.
1:01:24
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
1:01:24
SPEAKER_03: And then do you are you like done with girls?
1:01:27
SPEAKER_02: You're like, you just Yeah, at that time, this is actually where I grew close to God because that very moment was because whenever I first started talking to her, I wanted to grow a relationship with God.
1:01:39
SPEAKER_03: Right, because you went to church.
1:01:40
SPEAKER_02: I went to church, I wanted to grow a relationship.
1:01:42
SPEAKER_02: I got I started growing a relationship, and then me and her relationship got bad, and it pulled me away, and she pulled me away, and she started pulling away.
1:01:51
SPEAKER_02: And I would tell her to be like, hey, we're pulling away from this, and I don't want to pull away from God.
1:01:55
SPEAKER_02: I like I won't What did she say to that?
1:01:58
SPEAKER_02: She didn't say anything.
1:01:59
SPEAKER_02: I really don't remember.
1:02:01
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so then where do you start going to get back with God?
1:02:05
SPEAKER_03: Like, when does that happen?
1:02:06
SPEAKER_02: So after our breakup, it it hit me really hard.
1:02:11
SPEAKER_02: I mean, you can ask Maria, like that was it was bad.
1:02:14
SPEAKER_02: It was really bad.
1:02:15
SPEAKER_03: Like depressed bad.
1:02:16
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it was it was bad.
1:02:18
SPEAKER_02: I never came out of my room.
1:02:20
SPEAKER_02: I was always in my room, never came out.
1:02:22
SPEAKER_02: I was always crying.
1:02:24
SPEAKER_02: Um, I wouldn't go anywhere, always mad, was always causing a problem, having an attitude, never listening, trying to fight Maria.
1:02:31
SPEAKER_02: I was always in trouble in high school.
1:02:32
SPEAKER_02: I was getting in fights, wasn't listening, sleeping in class, doing things I was not supposed to be doing.
1:02:37
SPEAKER_03: And so when you get in fights, do you like forearm shiver somebody in the face, or what do you do?
1:02:41
SPEAKER_02: I slammed a girl's face into a bathroom stall.
1:02:46
SPEAKER_02: Cause I did do coke.
1:02:49
SPEAKER_03: You did coke.
1:02:50
SPEAKER_03: Yes.
1:02:50
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so you're so the breakup did not look good on you.
1:02:54
SPEAKER_03: No, no, okay, no, so how at what point do we get Jesus?
1:02:58
SPEAKER_03: Does Jesus show up and be like, hey, surprise, me, Jesus, I've been here the whole time.
1:03:02
SPEAKER_01: And you're like, Jesus, I repent.
1:03:05
SPEAKER_01: So there was one night before we moved.
1:03:09
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it was, yeah, one night before we moved.
1:03:12
SPEAKER_02: Um, I was sitting in my room, and I I just remember every night I would go to bed crying.
1:03:16
SPEAKER_02: Like I would just cry myself to sleep.
1:03:18
SPEAKER_02: And I remember, and I would pray and pray and pray and pray and pray.
1:03:21
SPEAKER_02: I would be like, I want this to stop.
1:03:23
SPEAKER_02: I don't want to cry like this, but I would also beg God to bring her back.
1:03:26
SPEAKER_02: If you take somebody out of your life, there's a reason.
1:03:28
SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
1:03:29
SPEAKER_02: And so and so basically, I kind of just had a moment, one of those nights where I'm like, I'm done.
1:03:38
SPEAKER_02: I don't want to feel this.
1:03:39
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I'm done crying.
1:03:40
SPEAKER_02: I don't want to feel this pain no more.
1:03:42
SPEAKER_02: I don't want to feel like I'm suffocating every day.
1:03:44
SPEAKER_02: I don't want to be in this dark mood all the time.
1:03:47
SPEAKER_02: I don't want to be mean and hateful.
1:03:49
SPEAKER_02: I'm tired of being mean to my family because I can see what I'm doing, and it's wrong.
1:03:54
SPEAKER_02: She did kick me out.
1:03:56
SPEAKER_02: It was wrong.
1:03:56
SPEAKER_03: So your older sister kicked you out.
1:03:58
SPEAKER_02: And this happened for three years straight.
1:04:01
SPEAKER_03: What does she bring you back or what?
1:04:03
SPEAKER_02: I came back around, but I mean, like, does she kick you out?
1:04:06
SPEAKER_03: You come back.
1:04:07
SPEAKER_03: Like, how's that work?
1:04:08
SPEAKER_02: So it was the first two years I was depressed, angry, causing problems.
1:04:15
SPEAKER_02: This for the first two years, I was trying to grow a relationship with God, but I didn't know how to do it.
1:04:19
SPEAKER_02: And I was slacking and I was falling short, and I wasn't putting in my effort.
1:04:23
SPEAKER_02: And then the third year came, I was just on a different level.
1:04:29
SPEAKER_02: That was my junior year.
1:04:32
SPEAKER_02: Uh no, it was the ending of my sophomore year, somewhere around there.
1:04:35
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, ending of my sophomore year, beginning.
1:04:38
SPEAKER_02: And so it was the summertime.
1:04:41
SPEAKER_02: And basically, I was just on a roll.
1:04:43
SPEAKER_02: I was being a little evil child, just not listening.
1:04:47
SPEAKER_02: It was bad.
1:04:48
SPEAKER_02: Maria was pregnant, big, big pregnant pregnant with Violet.
1:04:52
SPEAKER_02: And it was just, I was being very, very stressful.
1:04:55
SPEAKER_02: I was doing too much.
1:04:56
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
1:04:56
SPEAKER_03: So when you say you're trying to get back with God, what does that mean?
1:05:01
SPEAKER_02: I was I was basically tired of trying to control my own life.
1:05:06
SPEAKER_02: And I knew that that I don't have to control my life.
1:05:09
SPEAKER_03: It's not like when you say control your own life, like control, like go down my own road.
1:05:13
SPEAKER_02: Try to do my own.
1:05:14
SPEAKER_03: What does that mean though?
1:05:15
SPEAKER_03: I mean, like, is that like I'm not gonna be gay?
1:05:17
SPEAKER_03: I mean, does that mean like I'm not gonna be angry?
1:05:20
SPEAKER_03: I'm not gonna like what put that like how how would you say like the control part is that the anxiousness of I'm I'm gonna try harder being a Christian or tell me, I'm gonna read my Bible, but when you look through the Bible, it's just lines, you know.
1:05:35
SPEAKER_03: I what is that?
1:05:36
SPEAKER_02: Um basically I didn't want I was like, I would say I was controlling my life.
1:05:42
SPEAKER_02: Like I was trying to control I how I wanted things to go.
1:05:46
SPEAKER_02: I wanted this thing to happen, so I would do what I thought I had to do to make that happen.
1:05:50
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
1:05:51
SPEAKER_03: All right.
1:05:51
SPEAKER_03: So then you get what was there a church experience or a reading the Bible experience, prayer experience?
1:05:58
SPEAKER_03: What was the thing that Jesus was like?
1:06:00
SPEAKER_03: Like, yo, Sophia, it's time to start living for Jesus.
1:06:07
SPEAKER_02: I think it was the first time I went to church with Maria.
1:06:09
SPEAKER_03: So you go to a church with Maria.
1:06:10
SPEAKER_03: What church was it?
1:06:12
SPEAKER_02: Wells Branch.
1:06:12
SPEAKER_03: So you came to Wells Branch.
1:06:13
SPEAKER_02: It was before Wells Branch.
1:06:14
SPEAKER_02: Was it Freedom French?
1:06:15
SPEAKER_02: Celebration.
1:06:16
SPEAKER_03: Or celebration.
1:06:17
SPEAKER_02: Whenever I first, like when I first after after my first love, it was I went to celebration.
1:06:24
SPEAKER_02: Whatever church it was.
1:06:25
SPEAKER_02: Well Wells Branch.
1:06:26
SPEAKER_02: I can't remember.
1:06:26
SPEAKER_03: Wells branch, celebration all the same.
1:06:28
SPEAKER_03: About the same size.
1:06:29
SPEAKER_02: But basically, I just like I don't know.
1:06:32
SPEAKER_02: I started going to church and I felt really called out in church.
1:06:36
SPEAKER_03: How?
1:06:37
SPEAKER_02: Like when um when the sermon was being given, there was verses being said, and it was like, oh, you're holding on to too much of this, and you need to give this to God and stop worrying about this that you know that you can't control no more because it's not in your hands no more.
1:06:54
SPEAKER_02: It's it's not your responsibility.
1:06:55
SPEAKER_02: If God takes something that out of your hands, it's because there was something you did not see that he saw.
1:07:00
SPEAKER_03: So through the sermons, you got convicted.
1:07:02
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
1:07:02
SPEAKER_02: I just felt really called out.
1:07:04
SPEAKER_03: Wow.
1:07:05
SPEAKER_03: So like as if the pastor was talking right to you.
1:07:07
SPEAKER_03: Yes.
1:07:07
SPEAKER_03: All right.
1:07:07
SPEAKER_03: So then so you you're when so now like you're at a a new space, I feel like.
1:07:15
SPEAKER_02: Like I moved in with my mom around this time.
1:07:19
SPEAKER_03: Oh wow.
1:07:20
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
1:07:20
SPEAKER_02: It's whenever I really got it.
1:07:22
SPEAKER_03: So you moved in with your mom.
1:07:24
SPEAKER_03: How was that?
1:07:25
SPEAKER_02: I moved in with my mom because Maria kicked me out.
1:07:28
SPEAKER_02: And so I moved in with my mom.
1:07:30
SPEAKER_02: It was really good.
1:07:32
SPEAKER_02: We basically lived a normal life.
1:07:35
SPEAKER_02: Mom went to work every day, and I went to school every day.
1:07:38
SPEAKER_05: Wow.
1:07:38
SPEAKER_02: And we ate dinner, we hung out, watched TV.
1:07:43
SPEAKER_02: I got a dog on my 17th birthday.
1:07:45
SPEAKER_02: Wow.
1:07:46
SPEAKER_02: I came home to my dog, still have him, love him very much.
1:07:50
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so but like so you're with your mom.
1:07:52
SPEAKER_03: Is is so the sermons are impacting you.
1:07:54
SPEAKER_03: Does Maria pick you up for church or what?
1:07:56
SPEAKER_02: How's our um Maria stopped picking me up and because I started going with my friends to church?
1:08:00
SPEAKER_03: Cool.
1:08:01
SPEAKER_02: So my friend Brie, she went to celebration.
1:08:03
SPEAKER_02: I was like, oh my gosh, you are a celebration.
1:08:05
SPEAKER_02: Got it, gotta gotta I grew up there, let's go to church.
1:08:07
SPEAKER_02: And so I start going to youth group and Sunday with them.
1:08:10
SPEAKER_02: And so we're going to church together.
1:08:12
SPEAKER_02: And that's whenever I started getting really deep into it.
1:08:15
SPEAKER_02: I was like, I don't want to be pulled away from this.
1:08:17
SPEAKER_02: This makes me me.
1:08:18
SPEAKER_02: This puts a smile on my face.
1:08:19
SPEAKER_02: This brings my light back.
1:08:20
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
1:08:20
SPEAKER_02: This makes me happy.
1:08:21
SPEAKER_05: Yeah, yeah.
1:08:22
SPEAKER_02: And it was just, you know, that kind of feeling where it's like when you finally feel all the weight off your shoulders and you finally can be like that goofy self of you.
1:08:30
SPEAKER_02: You can finally bring that goofy part out.
1:08:31
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
1:08:32
SPEAKER_02: It was like that.
1:08:32
SPEAKER_03: So the anger was just like brought way down.
1:08:35
SPEAKER_03: The peace came way up, and you got to have joy.
1:08:37
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
1:08:37
SPEAKER_02: And it was like, even with the childhood trauma stuff, like that wasn't affecting me no more.
1:08:42
SPEAKER_02: Cause I was finally like being like, okay, this happened, and I can't do anything about it anymore, besides forgive it and let it go and give it to God.
1:08:51
SPEAKER_03: Wow.
1:08:52
SPEAKER_03: I mean, like, do you realize how many people on the planet would be like would do anything to be able to be like that?
1:09:00
SPEAKER_03: And so what you're saying is that just your experience of being around God's people, hearing God's word, and having the Holy Spirit minister to you, it took the focus off of you and the problems of your past and put it on the future with Jesus.
1:09:13
SPEAKER_02: That's why there was, I still struggle with this fear, but it's whenever I've whenever I started getting closer to God, they always said, always be fearful of not having a connection with God.
1:09:25
SPEAKER_02: And that has been my biggest fear is not having a relationship, not having a connection.
1:09:31
SPEAKER_03: That's good.
1:09:31
SPEAKER_03: That's a decent thing.
1:09:32
SPEAKER_02: So that's what I want, and that's what I work for every day.
1:09:35
SPEAKER_02: And I I want it because I've I fear not having it.
1:09:39
SPEAKER_02: I can't imagine a lot of time.
1:09:40
SPEAKER_03: So talk to me about when did the change happen for like like same-sex attraction to be like, you know what?
1:09:45
SPEAKER_03: I'm not gonna do that anymore.
1:09:47
SPEAKER_03: What how when did that happen?
1:09:48
SPEAKER_03: Or how did that form in your heart?
1:09:50
SPEAKER_02: With so with my first love through that time, I guess I was just really drained after it because I I put my all into that.
1:09:58
SPEAKER_02: I would say I would put my all into that.
1:09:59
SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
1:10:00
SPEAKER_02: I kind of look at it, I'm like, oh, you didn't really do too much.
1:10:02
SPEAKER_02: That was puppy love.
1:10:03
SPEAKER_02: Right.
1:10:03
SPEAKER_02: That wasn't that was butterflies, that was the honeymoon.
1:10:06
SPEAKER_02: And so I look at it, I'm like, I mean, you you cared, I cared to a certain extent.
1:10:12
SPEAKER_02: Of course, I loved her, of course.
1:10:14
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but at that moment, after like all of the abuse that was happening mentally and emotionally, I was just like, I was like, yeah, no, this isn't right.
1:10:27
SPEAKER_02: And like I let too much slide and I let too much happen.
1:10:32
SPEAKER_02: And it was like after everything, I was exhausted.
1:10:35
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I was drained, I was tired.
1:10:37
SPEAKER_02: I didn't want anything to do with anybody.
1:10:39
SPEAKER_02: I didn't want to be in a relationship with nobody.
1:10:41
SPEAKER_02: I didn't even have the thought to go find somebody again.
1:10:44
SPEAKER_05: Wow.
1:10:44
SPEAKER_02: I just wanted to be left alone.
1:10:47
SPEAKER_02: I just wanted to be left alone.
1:10:48
SPEAKER_02: I wanted to live my life.
1:10:49
SPEAKER_05: That's good.
1:10:50
SPEAKER_02: And so in that process of me wanting to live my life, I started going to church.
1:10:54
SPEAKER_03: Wow.
1:10:54
SPEAKER_02: Because I had nothing else better to do.
1:10:55
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
1:10:56
SPEAKER_02: I was sitting out.
1:10:57
SPEAKER_03: So you're you're like at this point, you're like, I'm done with trying to date girls, or you I want to pursue I want to do my own thing.
1:11:03
SPEAKER_02: I'll be back.
1:11:03
SPEAKER_03: And eventually, you want to get married to a man eventually and all that?
1:11:07
SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
1:11:08
SPEAKER_02: We're still getting to that part.
1:11:09
SPEAKER_03: We're still getting to that part.
1:11:11
SPEAKER_03: We're at the point of like, I've given up women.
1:11:13
SPEAKER_03: I'm not ready for men yet, necessarily.
1:11:15
SPEAKER_02: But I'm kind of just I'm here at this very moment.
1:11:18
SPEAKER_03: That's fair.
1:11:19
SPEAKER_02: I I really don't know.
1:11:20
SPEAKER_03: You're up for whatever Jesus has for you.
1:11:21
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
1:11:22
SPEAKER_02: Whatever Jesus throws at me, I will take it and I will do it.
1:11:25
SPEAKER_02: No arguments, no talking back, no.
1:11:28
SPEAKER_03: So what if I challenge you to like wear a dress and stuff?
1:11:31
SPEAKER_03: Ooh.
1:11:32
SPEAKER_03: Ooh, wow.
1:11:33
SPEAKER_03: Wow.
1:11:34
SPEAKER_03: What do you think?
1:11:36
SPEAKER_01: What if what if I haven't worn a dress since freshman year.
1:11:39
SPEAKER_03: Like, what if we went and got you a really sweet dress for like the benevolence benefit and you rocked one?
1:11:48
SPEAKER_00: We'll see.
1:11:49
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
1:11:49
SPEAKER_03: I'll take that.
1:11:50
SPEAKER_03: I'll take that.
1:11:51
SPEAKER_03: We'll see.
1:11:51
SPEAKER_01: We'll see.
1:11:51
SPEAKER_01: Because it's been a couple years.
1:11:52
SPEAKER_01: I don't have my hair on my head anymore.
1:11:54
SPEAKER_02: You you have hair.
1:11:56
SPEAKER_02: I mean, I have hair, but my long hair was definitely a big part of my identity after everything.
1:12:02
SPEAKER_02: That's for sure.
1:12:02
SPEAKER_03: So is that why you wear the hats all the time?
1:12:04
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
1:12:04
SPEAKER_02: I mean, I wore hats all the time, like eighth grade and freshman year.
1:12:09
SPEAKER_02: But that was because my hair was short.
1:12:10
SPEAKER_02: My hair was like this bob, shaggy, shaggy, ugly looking bob mixed with a mullet.
1:12:16
SPEAKER_02: It was bad.
1:12:17
SPEAKER_02: It's like this, but all of it was chopped around the sides, and it was only the top that was long.
1:12:23
SPEAKER_03: So, like, because there's a part of me that wonders if like you in you let yourself be feminine that you would enjoy the femininity and then allow and then be excited about the masculinity of a man.
1:12:33
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
1:12:34
SPEAKER_02: So junior year, I started becoming girly.
1:12:37
SPEAKER_02: Well, freshman year, I wore a dress to military ball.
1:12:40
SPEAKER_05: Wow.
1:12:41
SPEAKER_02: And it was a black silk dress, open back, slit on the side.
1:12:44
SPEAKER_02: I wore heels and everything.
1:12:45
SPEAKER_02: I had my makeup done, my hair done.
1:12:48
SPEAKER_02: Yup.
1:12:49
SPEAKER_02: Yup.
1:12:50
SPEAKER_02: I wouldn't say it was the best outfit though, because I look back on it and I'm like, you looked a little grimy.
1:12:56
SPEAKER_02: But that was the first time I wore a dress since 2014.
1:13:00
SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
1:13:00
SPEAKER_02: And so I was like, okay, okay.
1:13:03
SPEAKER_02: Really didn't know how to walk in heels at that moment.
1:13:05
SPEAKER_02: I don't know why I chose to wear heels for over eight hours.
1:13:08
SPEAKER_02: At a ball, a military ball.
1:13:11
SPEAKER_02: And and I had to stand at attention every five minutes and parade rest, and I had to salute all the time, so my feet hurt in them heels.
1:13:21
SPEAKER_02: And so basically, after all that junior year hit, my hair was like this long.
1:13:27
SPEAKER_02: It was really, really long.
1:13:29
SPEAKER_02: It was really, really thick, really curly.
1:13:31
SPEAKER_02: I started hitting my feminine.
1:13:35
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
1:13:36
SPEAKER_02: And I started wearing makeup.
1:13:37
SPEAKER_02: I was wearing mascara, eyeliner, blush, foundation, highlighter.
1:13:41
SPEAKER_02: I was wearing all that kind of stuff.
1:13:42
SPEAKER_02: I was doing my hair before school.
1:13:44
SPEAKER_02: I was wearing baggy jeans, chucks, and a like a baggy shirt and jewelry.
1:13:49
SPEAKER_05: Yeah, yeah.
1:13:50
SPEAKER_02: And that was kind of my outfit for the beginning of junior year.
1:13:53
SPEAKER_02: Then I had a situation the beginning of junior year.
1:13:56
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
1:13:56
SPEAKER_03: I knew there was another situation.
1:13:58
SPEAKER_03: What happened?
1:13:59
SPEAKER_02: So basically, junior year, two weeks in, I asked my friend, one of my friends' ex-girlfriends, for a ride back home because it was 103 degrees outside and I was in uniform in my camis.
1:14:14
SPEAKER_02: Um, I don't know why we had sleeves down, but we did.
1:14:17
SPEAKER_02: Right.
1:14:17
SPEAKER_02: Supposed to be sleeves up.
1:14:19
SPEAKER_02: But um, I basically was like, hey, can I get a ride home?
1:14:23
SPEAKER_02: I live right next to the middle school, it's right down the road down the stop sign.
1:14:27
SPEAKER_02: Like if you go to the stop sign, take a ride, my house is like right there past the middle school.
1:14:31
SPEAKER_02: And they're like, Yeah.
1:14:32
SPEAKER_02: And before I got in the car, Addy goes, Whatever happens in the car stays in the car.
1:14:36
SPEAKER_02: I'm like, okay.
1:14:38
SPEAKER_02: And so I get in the car.
1:14:40
SPEAKER_02: It's four of us, me, Addy, Layla, and I can't remember the other girl, but me and the other girl were sitting in the back.
1:14:46
SPEAKER_02: I'm sitting behind Addison, which is driving.
1:14:49
SPEAKER_02: Other girls sitting right here, Layla sitting right there.
1:14:52
SPEAKER_02: And Addie turns around and says, Whatever happens in the car stays in the car.
1:14:58
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, Okay.
1:15:00
SPEAKER_02: And she reaches into her glove compartment, pulls out an eight-ball of Coke.
1:15:04
SPEAKER_02: I look down at my phone, I'm like, this.
1:15:06
SPEAKER_02: I'm like, nope, don't know anything that's happening.
1:15:09
SPEAKER_02: I'm not paying attention, not doing anything.
1:15:11
SPEAKER_02: I'm minding my business.
1:15:14
SPEAKER_02: And it was in the parking lot right after the school bell rang.
1:15:17
SPEAKER_02: There's 5,000, what that year it was 5,686 kids.
1:15:22
SPEAKER_02: And the bell just rang.
1:15:24
SPEAKER_02: And it was what all the seniors too, everybody in the school.
1:15:28
SPEAKER_02: And she was in a Jeep, no tinted windows.
1:15:31
SPEAKER_03: She's just going for it.
1:15:32
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
1:15:33
SPEAKER_02: In the middle of the parking lot.
1:15:34
SPEAKER_03: And I'm like, and just takes a couple smarts and heads home.
1:15:37
SPEAKER_02: Yep.
1:15:38
SPEAKER_02: And so I was in the car.
1:15:39
SPEAKER_03: Were you driving?
1:15:40
SPEAKER_03: Or I mean she was she driving?
1:15:41
SPEAKER_03: She was driving.
1:15:42
SPEAKER_03: With a eight-ball.
1:15:43
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
1:15:43
SPEAKER_03: Nice.
1:15:44
SPEAKER_02: And Layla was younger than me.
1:15:46
SPEAKER_02: Layla was 15.
1:15:48
SPEAKER_02: And Layla has um medical problems.
1:15:51
SPEAKER_02: And she was doing it too.
1:15:53
SPEAKER_03: Oh gosh.
1:15:54
SPEAKER_02: And so I'm sitting there, I'm like, okay, I just want to go home.
1:15:57
SPEAKER_02: I need to go home.
1:15:58
SPEAKER_02: I got places.
1:15:59
SPEAKER_02: I got things I gotta do.
1:16:00
SPEAKER_02: I got chores I gotta do.
1:16:01
SPEAKER_02: There's a lot of things I gotta do.
1:16:03
SPEAKER_02: And so basically the bell rang or whatever, everybody's coming out.
1:16:07
SPEAKER_02: No tent on her windows.
1:16:09
SPEAKER_02: We finally finally leave.
1:16:10
SPEAKER_02: We go home.
1:16:11
SPEAKER_02: I go home.
1:16:12
SPEAKER_02: She drops me off.
1:16:13
SPEAKER_02: I'm like, okay.
1:16:14
SPEAKER_02: She's like, just let me know if you need another ride.
1:16:16
SPEAKER_02: I was like, okay.
1:16:18
SPEAKER_02: Never asked her for another ride ever again.
1:16:21
SPEAKER_02: And about the next day, I come to school, it was an A-day, and I'm in credit recovery, and I get pulled out of credit recovery by an AP and two cops.
1:16:31
SPEAKER_02: I'm like, oh, okay, great.
1:16:35
SPEAKER_02: Hmm.
1:16:36
SPEAKER_02: And so basically I go to the AP's office, Mr.
1:16:38
SPEAKER_02: Bellatoro, which is a really cool AP, love him very much.
1:16:42
SPEAKER_02: And we get to his office, and basically they were like, he was like, I know everything that happened in the car yesterday.
1:16:49
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, what?
1:16:50
SPEAKER_02: What do you mean?
1:16:51
SPEAKER_02: He goes, I know everything that happened at the end of the day whenever you jumped in Addison's car.
1:16:56
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, What do you mean?
1:16:58
SPEAKER_02: I walked home.
1:16:59
SPEAKER_02: I tried to lie my way out of it.
1:17:02
SPEAKER_02: And he goes, Hold on.
1:17:03
SPEAKER_02: He grabs his laptop and pulls out a whole video that someone took.
1:17:09
SPEAKER_02: And it you can see everybody's face in the car.
1:17:11
SPEAKER_02: You can see my face, the girl's face, Layla's face, Addy's face, and you can see the eight ball.
1:17:17
SPEAKER_02: And the dollar bill and the whole line on the console.
1:17:21
SPEAKER_02: Oh my gosh.
1:17:22
SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, right.
1:17:27
SPEAKER_03: Oh, that that day.
1:17:28
SPEAKER_03: I thought you were.
1:17:30
SPEAKER_02: Oh.
1:17:30
SPEAKER_02: Oh, and he was like, You can't lie.
1:17:32
SPEAKER_02: And the cops are standing right next to me, and they knew me because my mom.
1:17:36
SPEAKER_03: Of course.
1:17:37
SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, oh.
1:17:38
SPEAKER_02: So I definitely can't lie.
1:17:40
SPEAKER_02: Because they were like, You're Miss Anthony's daughter, aren't you?
1:17:42
SPEAKER_02: I was like, oh.
1:17:44
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I am.
1:17:45
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that's my mom.
1:17:47
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
1:17:47
SPEAKER_02: And so I had to be completely honest.
1:17:50
SPEAKER_02: And they're like, just tell us.
1:17:51
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, I asked for a ride.
1:17:53
SPEAKER_02: They told me whatever happens to the car stays in the car.
1:17:56
SPEAKER_02: They did their own thing.
1:17:57
SPEAKER_02: I don't even have to explain because y'all are looking at it right now.
1:17:59
SPEAKER_02: Y'all have already seen the video.
1:18:01
SPEAKER_02: I mind my business.
1:18:02
SPEAKER_02: As you can see in the video, I'm looking down at my phone, minding my business, not even paying attention.
1:18:06
SPEAKER_02: And I asked for a ride home.
1:18:08
SPEAKER_02: They gave me a ride home.
1:18:09
SPEAKER_02: So I wrote my statement because I was like, I for real can't even lie my way out of this.
1:18:13
SPEAKER_02: I can't.
1:18:14
SPEAKER_02: There's no way.
1:18:15
SPEAKER_02: I for real can't lie.
1:18:17
SPEAKER_02: And it's bad to lie to cops.
1:18:19
SPEAKER_02: I'm scared of cops.
1:18:20
SPEAKER_03: In general, bad to lie to cops.
1:18:22
SPEAKER_03: That's okay.
1:18:23
SPEAKER_02: And so yeah, I grew up, I'm scared of cops.
1:18:25
SPEAKER_02: So even in this very moment, I'm like, okay, calm, cool, collected.
1:18:28
SPEAKER_02: You can't lie.
1:18:29
SPEAKER_02: It's obvious you can't lie.
1:18:31
SPEAKER_02: And so just be honest, give your word and do what you gotta do.
1:18:35
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
1:18:35
SPEAKER_03: So tell me what what did that so what happened beyond that?
1:18:38
SPEAKER_02: Like, did oh a lot happened.
1:18:41
SPEAKER_03: Whoa.
1:18:45
SPEAKER_03: What happened?
1:18:46
SPEAKER_02: So basically, we I get I get searched, they go through my bag, they open every single journal, book, my computer.
1:18:56
SPEAKER_02: They're going through every single piece of paper, my bag, they're opening out all my pockets, taking everything out.
1:19:02
SPEAKER_02: Then they physically search me.
1:19:03
SPEAKER_02: So they tell me to take everything out of my pockets, take my shoes off, take my belt off, my jacket.
1:19:08
SPEAKER_02: Um, they told me to shake out my bra.
1:19:10
SPEAKER_02: So it was like grab my bra and just like shake it out, make sure there was nothing there.
1:19:13
SPEAKER_02: I did have stuff on me.
1:19:14
SPEAKER_03: What'd you have?
1:19:16
SPEAKER_02: I had two vapes.
1:19:22
SPEAKER_02: And three weed pens in my bra.
1:19:30
SPEAKER_03: As one does.
1:19:31
SPEAKER_03: Like, oh, that just fell in there.
1:19:32
SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
1:19:33
SPEAKER_03: Sorry.
1:19:33
SPEAKER_03: But they didn't have to get in there.
1:19:35
SPEAKER_02: They didn't catch me because whenever I went to go, because I put everything in my bra.
1:19:39
SPEAKER_02: I never there was never not a time I was in school walking around with this stuff in my pocket.
1:19:44
SPEAKER_02: And so it was in my bra.
1:19:45
SPEAKER_02: And whenever they told me to go shake it out, I just grabbed it and just like opened my bra where nothing would like fall out.
1:19:51
SPEAKER_02: So they're like, okay, you're good.
1:19:53
SPEAKER_02: And then they sent me back to class.
1:19:55
SPEAKER_02: That day I got a call whenever I came home, and they were like, so I get home, and there were two people that I was really, really close friends with that weren't even part of the situation.
1:20:06
SPEAKER_02: They just knew Addy.
1:20:08
SPEAKER_02: They're just really close friends with Addy.
1:20:10
SPEAKER_02: And they call me and they're and Lexi, one of my friends, goes, What happened?
1:20:15
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, What?
1:20:16
SPEAKER_02: She's like, You were in the car with Addy yesterday.
1:20:18
SPEAKER_02: I was like, Addie brought me home.
1:20:21
SPEAKER_02: Addy was doing her own thing, I was doing my own thing.
1:20:23
SPEAKER_02: I'm mining my P's and Q's, it's not my business.
1:20:25
SPEAKER_02: And she was like, Addie just went to jail.
1:20:29
SPEAKER_02: And I was just like, Oh, okay.
1:20:33
SPEAKER_02: And she was like, Did you snitch her out?
1:20:36
SPEAKER_03: And I was like, snitches get snitches.
1:20:38
SPEAKER_02: I was like, I didn't say a single word.
1:20:41
SPEAKER_02: And she goes, Really?
1:20:43
SPEAKER_02: Because everybody else didn't get in trouble.
1:20:45
SPEAKER_02: Everybody else got in trouble, but you didn't get in trouble.
1:20:48
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, okay.
1:20:51
SPEAKER_02: They're like, so you're the snitch.
1:20:53
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, no, I'm not the snitch.
1:20:58
SPEAKER_02: I was mining my P's and the Q's.
1:21:00
SPEAKER_02: And I got pulled out of class and did what I was supposed to do.
1:21:05
SPEAKER_02: I gave my statement, and the only reason that it looks like I snitched is because there was a video.
1:21:11
SPEAKER_02: There was a video that someone took on the outside of the car.
1:21:14
SPEAKER_02: Still don't know who this person is.
1:21:16
SPEAKER_02: I told her that.
1:21:17
SPEAKER_02: I was like, someone took a video, had all of our faces and everything that was happening on the inside of the car on the console in the video.
1:21:24
SPEAKER_02: I'm the only one that didn't get in trouble because I'm the only one that didn't get caught with anything.
1:21:29
SPEAKER_02: If you're gonna be searched, at least be good at hiding something.
1:21:32
SPEAKER_02: That's my biggest thing.
1:21:33
SPEAKER_02: Be good at hiding it.
1:21:34
SPEAKER_03: Oh gosh.
1:21:35
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
1:21:36
SPEAKER_02: That's how I am with cheating too.
1:21:37
SPEAKER_02: If you're gonna be a cheater, be good at it.
1:21:41
SPEAKER_03: So, how does this get back to wearing dresses?
1:21:43
SPEAKER_03: This is where we started.
1:21:44
SPEAKER_03: So you were about wearing dresses, this happens, and you're like, I'm out, I'm gonna be a gray man.
1:21:49
SPEAKER_03: Is that kind of what happened?
1:21:51
SPEAKER_01: So basically, um, that whole time, yeah.
1:21:56
SPEAKER_02: Basically, I kind of went back to being a boy, I guess, being a boy boy.
1:22:02
SPEAKER_02: I was just constantly wearing boy clothes, and then about a month after the whole situation, I started doing Coke.
1:22:10
SPEAKER_02: But this was only for 48 hours.
1:22:13
SPEAKER_02: It was a 48-hour experience.
1:22:14
SPEAKER_03: You just saw this girl go to jail.
1:22:17
SPEAKER_03: It was a 48-hour experience over Coke, and you're like, you know what seems like a good idea?
1:22:24
SPEAKER_03: Coke.
1:22:24
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
1:22:25
SPEAKER_03: So basically Where did you get the Coke?
1:22:27
SPEAKER_02: One of my other friends had Coke.
1:22:29
SPEAKER_03: As one does, okay.
1:22:31
SPEAKER_02: And she was like, bro, look what I have.
1:22:33
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, Whoa, sweet.
1:22:35
SPEAKER_02: I was like, oh, where'd you get that?
1:22:38
SPEAKER_02: She goes, Oh, I got it from my homeboy.
1:22:39
SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, oh, okay.
1:22:41
SPEAKER_02: She's like, here.
1:22:42
SPEAKER_03: And I'm like, the first one's always free, friends.
1:22:46
SPEAKER_02: I was like, I was like, oh, okay.
1:22:48
SPEAKER_02: So I took it and I did it.
1:22:51
SPEAKER_03: Oh gosh.
1:22:52
SPEAKER_02: Never again.
1:22:53
SPEAKER_02: Never again.
1:22:54
SPEAKER_02: All right, so I was a one and done.
1:22:55
SPEAKER_03: All right.
1:22:56
SPEAKER_03: So how long were you high for?
1:22:58
SPEAKER_02: 48 hours.
1:22:59
SPEAKER_03: And did you sleep?
1:23:00
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
1:23:01
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
1:23:01
SPEAKER_02: I slept like a rock.
1:23:02
SPEAKER_03: Oh, nice.
1:23:03
SPEAKER_02: I slept hard.
1:23:04
SPEAKER_02: After everything, I went straight to sleep.
1:23:06
SPEAKER_02: I was wired for like the first, I would say, 15 hours.
1:23:12
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
1:23:13
SPEAKER_03: So hold on.
1:23:14
SPEAKER_03: All right.
1:23:15
SPEAKER_02: I was up.
1:23:16
SPEAKER_02: I remember going to school wired.
1:23:20
SPEAKER_03: Alright.
1:23:20
SPEAKER_03: So how does this relate back to that?
1:23:23
SPEAKER_03: That's what caused you to revert back to being a boy version of you.
1:23:26
SPEAKER_03: That's whenever because it's Is that like a protection thing for you?
1:23:30
SPEAKER_03: If if you're a woman, do you feel more vulnerable?
1:23:34
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:23:37
SPEAKER_03: Okay, that's fair.
1:23:38
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:23:38
SPEAKER_00: So I feel a little more vulnerable.
1:23:40
SPEAKER_03: So when you wear a dress, what it says to the world is that take advantage of me, or I am able to you could take advantage of me when you're when you're wearing jeans, it's like when I'm here.
1:23:49
SPEAKER_02: Whenever I'm like girly girl, I don't really feel like me because I don't dress like that.
1:23:54
SPEAKER_02: It's it's weird to me.
1:23:56
SPEAKER_02: It's uncomfy.
1:23:58
SPEAKER_03: Uncomf.
1:23:59
SPEAKER_02: It's I'm used to being covered.
1:24:01
SPEAKER_03: You put I have I'm not saying you need to dress like a whore, but what I'm saying is like you could you could you know dress like with a dress or something, you know.
1:24:08
SPEAKER_01: I mean So I'm I'm this tiny girl.
1:24:11
SPEAKER_03: You are a tiny girl, yeah.
1:24:12
SPEAKER_02: I have twigs for legs.
1:24:13
SPEAKER_03: That's that's I'm tiny.
1:24:14
SPEAKER_03: Kind of a good look, actually.
1:24:17
SPEAKER_02: 111.
1:24:18
SPEAKER_02: Right.
1:24:18
SPEAKER_02: Wow.
1:24:18
SPEAKER_03: That's like supermodel like weight.
1:24:20
SPEAKER_02: I weigh one 111 right now.
1:24:22
SPEAKER_02: High school, I junior year, I weighed 130.
1:24:26
SPEAKER_02: It was all muscle.
1:24:27
SPEAKER_02: So there was there was a little bit of a difference.
1:24:29
SPEAKER_02: Freshman year, whenever I wore that dress, I weighed 113, practically the same way I am now.
1:24:35
SPEAKER_02: And I it was really it was a big, big step for me freshman year to put on that dress and go wear it in front of that many people in front of that many different schools that have only seen me in boy attire or in my uniform or my blues or my PT year.
1:24:53
SPEAKER_02: And so doing that, no one recognized me, which was a good thing.
1:24:57
SPEAKER_02: I kind of enjoyed that part.
1:24:58
SPEAKER_02: I was like, okay, y'all don't recognize me.
1:25:00
SPEAKER_02: Good, perfect.
1:25:01
SPEAKER_02: Y'all don't know who I am.
1:25:02
SPEAKER_02: I like this.
1:25:03
SPEAKER_02: Even my own teachers didn't recognize me.
1:25:05
SPEAKER_02: Master Guns didn't recognize me, major didn't recognize me, my company commander, my Bravo commander, nobody recognized me at that time.
1:25:13
SPEAKER_02: So I was like, okay, this is good.
1:25:15
SPEAKER_02: After the night, people were like, oh, that's that's too b right there.
1:25:18
SPEAKER_02: And so through the whole thing, I was like, okay, okay, okay.
1:25:22
SPEAKER_02: Junior year.
1:25:24
SPEAKER_02: Because through freshman to junior year, I wasn't, I wasn't girly girl.
1:25:28
SPEAKER_02: Wasn't really like that.
1:25:29
SPEAKER_02: And if I was, I was bored in my room trying to waste time in my depression era.
1:25:33
SPEAKER_02: I was trying to figure out what I could do, whatever I had to do to get out of that moment.
1:25:38
SPEAKER_02: Junior year, all that happened.
1:25:39
SPEAKER_02: Then I was like the boy stage where I came back to being a boy, dressing more masculine.
1:25:47
SPEAKER_02: So how do you like hold on?
1:25:48
SPEAKER_02: But I came back junior year military ball, though.
1:25:51
SPEAKER_03: You are so wild.
1:25:52
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so how about this?
1:25:54
SPEAKER_03: You you're you're dressing like a boy.
1:25:57
SPEAKER_03: Don't the LGBTQ people go like you're my people?
1:26:00
SPEAKER_03: And then you're like, you are weird.
1:26:02
SPEAKER_03: And how can how is that possible?
1:26:04
SPEAKER_02: Um, kind of just shut them out, basically.
1:26:07
SPEAKER_02: Like, because there's so many different types of levels to the LGBTQ community.
1:26:13
SPEAKER_02: There's people can be so aggressive with it and so overwhelming and pushy with it.
1:26:17
SPEAKER_02: And I'm the kind of person that's like, I want to live my own life.
1:26:20
SPEAKER_02: I don't want to be listed as somebody in a community.
1:26:25
SPEAKER_02: I'm just a normal human being with my own prefers, like what I prefer.
1:26:30
SPEAKER_03: Preferences.
1:26:31
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
1:26:31
SPEAKER_03: Okay, so all right, let's so here you are 19 years old, graduate from high school, following Jesus.
1:26:42
SPEAKER_03: And then so the challenge I have for you is wear a dress again, come to church on a Sunday, wear go feminine, and let's just see who doesn't recognize you or who does recognize you, or all that.
1:26:54
SPEAKER_03: And let's let's step into you know being clothed in Christ and let's walk that out as you're a new creation in him.
1:27:00
SPEAKER_03: And because baptism's gonna come up soon, right?
1:27:03
SPEAKER_03: Because I feel like you you have a whole new life in Jesus.
1:27:07
SPEAKER_03: Understand that he died on the cross for your sin, he rose from the dead, he's giving you the spirit of repentance, which is wild to watch you like you're so confusing.
1:27:15
SPEAKER_03: Um that doesn't mean you stumble, but you've recognized like you've come, he's healed you from a lot of stuff of your past.
1:27:22
SPEAKER_03: Um, I'm sure there's a lot more stuff to walk through, especially when you get into relationship.
1:27:26
SPEAKER_03: That trauma, if you don't process it well, will you become the dramatic chick uh in the relationship, which is better, I guess, than anyway.
1:27:35
SPEAKER_03: Uh well, so that's where I want to kind of challenge you.
1:27:38
SPEAKER_03: I feel like the Lord has so much for you personally, Sophia.
1:27:42
SPEAKER_03: Like, like He's He has his hand on you in a unique way because you've been through so much awfulness that for you to walk in the spirit and to just embrace the feminine qualities that God has gifted you with as a beautiful woman, and to pursue it.
1:28:00
SPEAKER_03: God has for you.
1:28:00
SPEAKER_03: I think that's going to blow your mind, closeness with God, intimacy with God, and even perhaps intimacy with the husband one day.
1:28:06
SPEAKER_03: I think that's where the favor of the Lord is going to be all over your life.
1:28:09
SPEAKER_03: And so I don't want you to miss out on that, if that makes sense.
1:28:12
SPEAKER_03: Um because it's powerful how the Lord has called you by you heard his word, you heard his people and the spirit have been drawing you close to him.
1:28:21
SPEAKER_03: Because it's not like you come to our church and we're like, you know, gay affirming or anything.
1:28:25
SPEAKER_03: Like we're very much like welcoming.
1:28:28
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, welcoming, but at the same time, very like, here's the standard what God calls us to live.
1:28:33
SPEAKER_03: But there's just all this grace and love that he has to pour out on you.
1:28:36
SPEAKER_03: So you've experienced that here.
1:28:37
SPEAKER_03: And like you know that I love you and that everyone thinks really highly of you.
1:28:41
SPEAKER_03: We want uh at the same time, I'm like, Sophia, I want you and your life to have so much purpose because I feel like God has so much for you.
1:28:53
SPEAKER_03: Um to watch your life and where you've come from and the ups and downs of that is just insane.
1:29:01
SPEAKER_03: And I think you know how insane your life is.
1:29:04
SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah.
1:29:04
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
1:29:05
SPEAKER_03: Um, and that's good because I think sometimes when I talk, like, I don't know if you ever watch the soft underbelly, uh, like it's just a show about like the underbelly of America.
1:29:15
SPEAKER_03: And like usually the people that are like just in dark, twisted sexual things, they usually say something like, I had a pretty normal childhood, and then they go into it and it's just like yours, and it's like, oh my gosh, that's not normal.
1:29:26
SPEAKER_03: That is that is darkness and wickedness at its finest, and somehow God has brought you out of that.
1:29:32
SPEAKER_03: So, hallelujah.
1:29:33
SPEAKER_03: Anyway, I'm excited for that.
1:29:34
SPEAKER_03: So, when you think about Jesus, what do you think about being saved?
1:29:39
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and what does that mean?
1:29:42
SPEAKER_02: Um, for me, it means like being comfortable in my own skin and being able to look at myself in the mirror and be okay with what I see.
1:29:53
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, because that is definitely something I struggle with pretty hard right now.
1:29:56
SPEAKER_05: Oh, really?
1:29:57
SPEAKER_02: Because I chopped all my hair off in April.
1:29:58
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:29:59
SPEAKER_02: And like I said, it was a big part of my identity.
1:30:02
SPEAKER_02: My hair, because junior year military bowl was the last year of where I really was really feminine.
1:30:11
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, like I'll show you a picture after.
1:30:13
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I was in a full body suit.
1:30:16
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I had heels on, I had my makeup done, I had my nails done, I everything.
1:30:24
SPEAKER_02: I felt so like me in that very moment.
1:30:27
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, like I really do enjoy being feminine, yeah, but I feel like the only way for me to be feminine is if I have long hair.
1:30:34
SPEAKER_02: I really don't know how to be feminine with short hair.
1:30:37
SPEAKER_02: And I'm slowly finding my way around it.
1:30:39
SPEAKER_03: Because you know there's lots of ladies that don't.
1:30:42
SPEAKER_03: I mean, I still think you should grow your hair.
1:30:43
SPEAKER_03: I think I can't.
1:30:44
SPEAKER_03: I don't want to grow my hair back.
1:30:46
SPEAKER_03: But in the meantime, you don't have to wait till it's down to your butt to dress feminine.
1:30:51
SPEAKER_03: In fact, I think there'd be there'd be an excitement to watch the change in you.
1:30:55
SPEAKER_03: Because people can go, because the fact you dressed like a boy for so long, it's gonna be a dramatic shift, and people are gonna go, why?
1:31:03
SPEAKER_03: And then you're gonna say, because Jesus saved me and allowed me to be who he's called me to be.
1:31:07
SPEAKER_03: And I think that story thrives because I just got asked by a 17-year-old at church on Sunday, like, I don't understand the whole homosexuality thing.
1:31:18
SPEAKER_03: Can you explain why that's sin and and why and so we were going back and forth.
1:31:22
SPEAKER_03: I was like, I wish I had someone saying next to me that would have been like you, like, hey, I want to share you, you're not gonna believe the story.
1:31:28
SPEAKER_03: And I would love like when this podcast comes out, my I'm like, I'll just show this.
1:31:32
SPEAKER_03: It's like homosexuality um is a place where it takes away from your identity in Christ.
1:31:39
SPEAKER_03: It it it's like my my identity is now with the world, not with Jesus.
1:31:42
SPEAKER_03: But when your identity is with Jesus, he then makes you the fullness of who he's called you and created.
1:31:47
SPEAKER_02: That's that's what I noticed whenever I was in my depression.
1:31:50
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, was whenever I started growing closer to God, I started becoming more feminine, I started being more girly.
1:31:57
SPEAKER_02: And that's where I started being more comfortable.
1:32:00
SPEAKER_02: And I think the peak of that moment of me being close with God was whenever I wore what I wore and what I felt whenever I saw in the mirror, like I just felt beautiful.
1:32:10
SPEAKER_02: I felt like me.
1:32:11
SPEAKER_03: There you go.
1:32:11
SPEAKER_03: I love that.
1:32:12
SPEAKER_02: And after that, after my junior year, what junior year summer, no, senior year summer, right before senior year, I got in a relationship.
1:32:24
SPEAKER_02: Another one with a girl, and this one was a lot more serious than the last.
1:32:30
SPEAKER_02: A lot more serious, a lot more happened, and I I was close, I was close with God.
1:32:37
SPEAKER_02: I didn't want to be pulled away, but I okay, there was a verse I read the other day, I can't remember the exact one, but it was like it said Jesus was returning to the city and be and he begun hungry, and he approached the fig tree, and there were only leaves on the fig tree.
1:32:56
SPEAKER_02: That one, and there's so many different explanations of that single verse, but the one that really stuck out to me was whenever he became hungry and he left with nothing but with he left and there were only leaves, and it was basically what I got from it because I literally was like sitting there for like an hour trying to like understand this whole thing because it blew my mind hearing it, because I was like, wait, he be he begun hungry, he was returning to the city, became hungry, and approached the fig tree, but there were only leaves on the fig tree because there's the fruitful part, and we're fruitful because we I don't want to sound stupid, but we have a relationship with God, right?
1:33:41
SPEAKER_02: And so it's like you can be with somebody that says that they have a relationship with God, you can be close to God with your lips and far from Him with your heart, and then you have no fruit, yes, and so that's what I got from it was that's how my last relationship went.
1:33:59
SPEAKER_02: And this one I would say I've definitely matured so much since this relationship, and this relationship only happened four months ago.
1:34:08
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, this was not that long ago, right?
1:34:10
SPEAKER_02: And like I look at it and it's like I thought she was fruitful.
1:34:17
SPEAKER_02: She said she was fruitful, yeah.
1:34:18
SPEAKER_02: She said that she had a relationship with God, and when she explained what sh how she thought the whole thing happened in the Bible, when she explained that to me, I really looked at her, I was like, let me give you the real story.
1:34:31
SPEAKER_03: Like, like when she's like, here's homosexuality or what?
1:34:34
SPEAKER_02: It was she explained it as the sun was God and all hold on, listen, listen, the sun was God.
1:34:42
SPEAKER_02: Like, I mean, I get if that's how you see it, okay.
1:34:47
SPEAKER_02: She saw it as the sun was God, and all the other planets were the angels.
1:34:52
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
1:34:53
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
1:34:53
SPEAKER_02: Mm-hmm.
1:34:55
SPEAKER_02: And then some like the fallen angels, right?
1:34:57
SPEAKER_02: That's basically how I can explain it.
1:34:59
SPEAKER_02: And it was because, like, you have the fallen angels, and that's how you get gods and goddesses.
1:35:03
SPEAKER_03: Sure.
1:35:04
SPEAKER_02: Right?
1:35:04
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I'm I'm down with that.
1:35:05
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
1:35:05
SPEAKER_02: And that's how she saw it.
1:35:07
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
1:35:08
SPEAKER_02: And then the earth was like where everybody's at.
1:35:10
SPEAKER_03: Right.
1:35:11
SPEAKER_02: And I don't know, we had that conversation so long ago that I really don't remember, but that's how she looked at it.
1:35:15
SPEAKER_02: So I was like, Can I please give you the real thing?
1:35:18
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
1:35:19
SPEAKER_02: And she was like, Yes, please.
1:35:20
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, okay.
1:35:21
SPEAKER_02: So I really enjoyed talking about Jesus to her.
1:35:24
SPEAKER_02: That was like my favorite thing ever.
1:35:26
SPEAKER_02: Like, she'd be like, Hey, I need your help with something.
1:35:27
SPEAKER_02: I'll be like, Okay, what?
1:35:28
SPEAKER_02: And she'd tell me, and I'd be like, Oh, let me help you, let me help you.
1:35:32
SPEAKER_02: And I've been excited to tell her.
1:35:33
SPEAKER_02: I'm like, Yes, I want to talk to Jesus.
1:35:34
SPEAKER_02: I want to talk about Jesus to you.
1:35:35
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
1:35:36
SPEAKER_02: It's like so much fun.
1:35:37
SPEAKER_02: I love it.
1:35:37
SPEAKER_05: Way to go.
1:35:38
SPEAKER_02: And so we would have those moments where we'd do it, and it would be quite often.
1:35:42
SPEAKER_02: And I'd be like, Can we start like a Bible study before we go to bed?
1:35:45
SPEAKER_02: Can we like study before we go to bed?
1:35:47
SPEAKER_02: And she was like, Yeah, that happened like three times.
1:35:50
SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, Oh.
1:35:52
SPEAKER_03: And so you say before we go to bed, you mean you slept with her.
1:35:55
SPEAKER_02: No, we so it was a long distance after.
1:35:58
SPEAKER_02: Oh, gotta long distance most of the time.
1:36:01
SPEAKER_02: And so the first time I really met her was last December.
1:36:07
SPEAKER_02: I flew out there for four days for Christmas.
1:36:10
SPEAKER_02: So I could be there for her Christmas break because her Christmas break was different from my Christmas break.
1:36:14
SPEAKER_02: So it was kind of hard trying to find ways to do it.
1:36:19
SPEAKER_02: And so I went out there for four days.
1:36:22
SPEAKER_02: The first night didn't we didn't do anything.
1:36:24
SPEAKER_02: First night I told her that.
1:36:25
SPEAKER_02: I was like, before I even got there, I was like, I'm not doing anything the first night.
1:36:28
SPEAKER_02: That's not me.
1:36:29
SPEAKER_03: That's rule number one.
1:36:30
SPEAKER_02: That's I can't do that.
1:36:31
SPEAKER_02: I want to get to know you first.
1:36:33
SPEAKER_02: I need to be comfortable in your house.
1:36:35
SPEAKER_02: I need to be okay sitting in the same room with you, or let alone slaying or sleeping in the same bed as you.
1:36:40
SPEAKER_02: She was like, okay.
1:36:42
SPEAKER_02: So we literally just cuddled that whole night and we watched TV and went to bed.
1:36:47
SPEAKER_02: That was the whole thing.
1:36:48
SPEAKER_02: The next night, that's a different story.
1:36:53
SPEAKER_02: That was a roller coaster of four days, very thinking with the flash moment.
1:37:01
SPEAKER_03: And I I don't know what to say about that.
1:37:06
SPEAKER_03: And so basically, got it, yeah.
1:37:09
SPEAKER_02: Um, had Christmas, did everything, went out, went to the movies, went to the mall, met her family.
1:37:15
SPEAKER_03: We they're like, yay, lesbian daughters.
1:37:18
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
1:37:18
SPEAKER_02: So her mom, so her moms are actually she has moms.
1:37:21
SPEAKER_02: Her moms are gay.
1:37:24
SPEAKER_02: So they're married.
1:37:25
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
1:37:26
SPEAKER_03: Oh wow.
1:37:26
SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, okay, that's your that's that's your life, that's your marriage.
1:37:31
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
1:37:31
SPEAKER_02: Congrats.
1:37:32
SPEAKER_02: Love that.
1:37:32
SPEAKER_03: All right.
1:37:33
SPEAKER_03: So then what happened?
1:37:34
SPEAKER_02: So April, so after after Christmas, things started getting rocky.
1:37:41
SPEAKER_02: You know how like you have a moment where it's like you feel like something just switched?
1:37:45
SPEAKER_03: Sure, you're a teenager.
1:37:46
SPEAKER_02: Like something just is off, like something's wrong.
1:37:48
SPEAKER_02: Like, especially in like relationship-wise, like you've well, I pray that no one feels this way.
1:37:54
SPEAKER_03: That's good.
1:37:55
SPEAKER_02: But it's like a moment where something just switches, like something just is.
1:37:59
SPEAKER_03: You're like, I'm in a lesbian relationship.
1:38:00
SPEAKER_03: I probably shouldn't be.
1:38:02
SPEAKER_03: Was that it?
1:38:03
SPEAKER_02: And it was like, it was like something wrong.
1:38:05
SPEAKER_02: Like something was going on that wasn't supposed to be going on.
1:38:07
SPEAKER_03: All right, fair.
1:38:08
SPEAKER_02: Cheating.
1:38:09
SPEAKER_03: Oh, okay, got it.
1:38:10
SPEAKER_02: So like I felt one day I woke up and it was just like Wait, wait, she was cheating on you?
1:38:13
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
1:38:14
SPEAKER_02: It's bad because it's the second time it's happened.
1:38:17
SPEAKER_02: I've only been in two serious relationships and they've only been with girls.
1:38:20
SPEAKER_02: Yep.
1:38:22
SPEAKER_03: Wow.
1:38:24
SPEAKER_02: So basically, I woke up one day and I had a really weird feeling.
1:38:28
SPEAKER_02: I was like, something's off, something's not right.
1:38:30
SPEAKER_02: I don't like this.
1:38:31
SPEAKER_02: I asked her that day, I was like, hey, are you okay?
1:38:33
SPEAKER_02: Are you good?
1:38:34
SPEAKER_02: Is there anything you need to talk about?
1:38:35
SPEAKER_02: Because I was the I'm the kind of person that's like, can communication.
1:38:38
SPEAKER_02: I need communication.
1:38:38
SPEAKER_02: I need you to talk to me.
1:38:39
SPEAKER_02: I need to figure this out.
1:38:41
SPEAKER_02: Not saying it has to be done right then and there in the moment, but give me a time that we can sit down and talk about the whole situation.
1:38:48
SPEAKER_02: She was like, Oh, nothing's going on.
1:38:50
SPEAKER_02: I'm like, okay.
1:38:52
SPEAKER_02: I didn't want to be bothered by something like that at that moment.
1:38:56
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
1:38:57
SPEAKER_02: April comes around.
1:38:58
SPEAKER_02: I go back out there.
1:39:00
SPEAKER_02: I'm out there for what six, six days, seven days?
1:39:04
SPEAKER_02: All that happens.
1:39:06
SPEAKER_02: We argue for the first time in person.
1:39:10
SPEAKER_02: And it was literally the stupidest little argument I think I've ever experienced.
1:39:14
SPEAKER_02: We were we didn't talk to each other for like a full two hours.
1:39:17
SPEAKER_03: I can't imagine chick relationships that are that insane.
1:39:21
SPEAKER_03: I mean, like, is that I mean, just a man like one girl is that I mean, there's enough hormones for probably several people, but then you put two together, and then I can just imagine the insanity that happens from that.
1:39:36
SPEAKER_03: Okay, sorry.
1:39:36
SPEAKER_03: Okay, yeah, okay.
1:39:37
SPEAKER_03: So this is good.
1:39:38
SPEAKER_02: Basically, we we for the entire time that I was out there both times, we did everything together.
1:39:44
SPEAKER_02: We're there was never not a moment we were not apart, unless we were using the bathroom or we were talking to somebody, one of the two.
1:39:50
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, or we were doing something, or we had to go to the store or something.
1:39:54
SPEAKER_02: She was at school in April, so she was in school at the time for the what spring break.
1:39:59
SPEAKER_02: It was right before spring break.
1:40:01
SPEAKER_02: So the first two days of me being out there, she had to go to school.
1:40:04
SPEAKER_02: And so, so it was she went to school.
1:40:07
SPEAKER_02: I drove her to school in the morning, so she gave me her car, I drove her to school, picked her up from school.
1:40:12
SPEAKER_02: And then the last time, the last day of her at school, she I drove her to school, I drove back home.
1:40:18
SPEAKER_02: She wanted me to come grab her for lunch.
1:40:19
SPEAKER_02: So I grabbed her for lunch, then we drove back to her school.
1:40:22
SPEAKER_02: She had to go to therapy, and it was just one of those moments where I was sitting in the car by myself in the school parking lot, waiting for her to get out of therapy.
1:40:30
SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, something is off, something's not right.
1:40:34
SPEAKER_02: But I but the entire time I was there, I was not paying any mind to it.
1:40:38
SPEAKER_02: I was like, I'm not gonna let this whole thing ruin my vibe.
1:40:40
SPEAKER_02: I can't let this ruin my vibe.
1:40:42
SPEAKER_02: I can't.
1:40:43
SPEAKER_02: I'm having a good time, I'm with somebody I care about truly.
1:40:45
SPEAKER_02: I cannot let something like this ruin my vibe.
1:40:47
SPEAKER_02: This is my only good moment, and this is like my only time away from home by myself, like doing my own thing.
1:40:54
SPEAKER_02: And so after the whole thing, whenever I get home, we just started arguing and arguing and arguing and arguing.
1:41:00
SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, why are we arguing so hard?
1:41:03
SPEAKER_03: And finally, she's like, There's another girl.
1:41:04
SPEAKER_02: No, it was just like I wasn't, she was like, You're doing this, you're doing that, you're not, you're not putting in your effort in the relationship.
1:41:10
SPEAKER_02: And yes, there were props there were parts in the relationship where I was falling short.
1:41:14
SPEAKER_02: And I would immediately fix them.
1:41:16
SPEAKER_02: Immediately.
1:41:16
SPEAKER_02: I would do my best of my abilities to fix them right then and there.
1:41:20
SPEAKER_02: But you know how that, you know, how like you sound like a dude in a relationship, just FY.
1:41:24
SPEAKER_02: I know.
1:41:25
SPEAKER_02: That's that's the thing, is I really do sound like a dude in a relationship.
1:41:28
SPEAKER_03: You do, all right.
1:41:29
SPEAKER_03: Sorry, go on.
1:41:29
SPEAKER_02: And so basically I did everything in my power to fix it, right?
1:41:34
SPEAKER_02: And I would be like, I'm doing it.
1:41:35
SPEAKER_02: Like, how are you not seeing this?
1:41:37
SPEAKER_02: But she was too blind on the wrong, she was too focused on the wrong thing and on the wrong person, on whoever she was focused on to even see what I was doing.
1:41:46
SPEAKER_02: And that was what was like so you find like so.
1:41:49
SPEAKER_03: When do you got you guys break up?
1:41:51
SPEAKER_03: Right?
1:41:52
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, so like who's the one that said it's over?
1:41:54
SPEAKER_03: Me.
1:41:54
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
1:41:55
SPEAKER_02: Like, I'm I I've done it all the time.
1:41:57
SPEAKER_02: So, well, basically, she was like, I need a break.
1:42:00
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, Why do you need a break?
1:42:02
SPEAKER_02: She goes, Because I can't do this.
1:42:04
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, Do what?
1:42:05
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that's what I said.
1:42:06
SPEAKER_02: I said, Do what?
1:42:07
SPEAKER_02: What why do you need a break?
1:42:08
SPEAKER_02: She's like, This is getting too much, Safira.
1:42:10
SPEAKER_02: I said, How is this getting too much?
1:42:12
SPEAKER_02: Me asking you for communication is too much.
1:42:15
SPEAKER_02: Is that too much?
1:42:16
SPEAKER_02: And she goes, No, you're not doing anything you're supposed to be doing.
1:42:18
SPEAKER_02: I said, What?
1:42:19
SPEAKER_02: I don't have a job, I don't I can't spoil you rotten.
1:42:22
SPEAKER_02: And that was like what I felt like was the biggest thing is I didn't have money.
1:42:25
SPEAKER_02: I'm not made of money.
1:42:27
SPEAKER_02: I'm rich in life with who what I have to give to somebody.
1:42:31
SPEAKER_03: So you break up.
1:42:31
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
1:42:32
SPEAKER_03: And is now let's say another girl comes up and she's like gorgeous, into you, doesn't care that you don't have money.
1:42:41
SPEAKER_03: Are you like maybe, or are you like, I'm done?
1:42:45
SPEAKER_02: I'm done.
1:42:45
SPEAKER_03: All right, that's good.
1:42:47
SPEAKER_02: There's okay, there's one girl in my phone that her name is Aubrey.
1:42:53
SPEAKER_02: And just listen, just listen, just listen, just listen.
1:42:56
SPEAKER_03: All right.
1:42:56
SPEAKER_02: Her name's Aubrey.
1:42:58
SPEAKER_02: And I would say I call her Psycho.
1:43:03
SPEAKER_02: That's kind of her nickname.
1:43:04
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
1:43:05
SPEAKER_02: Psycho.
1:43:05
SPEAKER_03: Why don't you delete her name from your phone?
1:43:08
SPEAKER_03: Hey, where's your phone?
1:43:09
SPEAKER_03: Let me see your phone.
1:43:10
SPEAKER_03: I'll delete it for you.
1:43:11
SPEAKER_03: Here.
1:43:12
SPEAKER_03: Let me see it.
1:43:13
SPEAKER_03: This is this is like what you have pastors for.
1:43:15
SPEAKER_02: But wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
1:43:16
SPEAKER_02: Let me explain.
1:43:17
SPEAKER_02: Let me explain.
1:43:17
SPEAKER_02: Let me explain.
1:43:21
SPEAKER_03: Bye-bye, Aubrey.
1:43:22
SPEAKER_03: All right, there we go.
1:43:23
SPEAKER_03: I'm going down and block contact.
1:43:28
SPEAKER_03: All right, I'm now blocking contact.
1:43:31
SPEAKER_03: Bye-bye.
1:43:32
SPEAKER_03: Block contact.
1:43:34
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
1:43:35
SPEAKER_03: And then edit, edit contact info and delete contact.
1:43:39
SPEAKER_00: Honestly, I don't even care no more.
1:43:41
SPEAKER_00: He's already done it.
1:43:42
SPEAKER_03: There we go.
1:43:43
SPEAKER_03: Done.
1:43:44
SPEAKER_03: Alright.
1:43:45
SPEAKER_03: Nice.
1:43:45
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
1:43:46
SPEAKER_02: But, anyways, Aubrey was somewhat of an exception.
1:43:50
SPEAKER_03: Not anymore.
1:43:52
SPEAKER_03: Clearly.
1:43:53
SPEAKER_02: But basically, um, I was like, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe this one's different.
1:43:59
SPEAKER_02: But I look at it and it's like, I don't even have the energy to even indulge in a relationship or indulge with somebody.
1:44:08
SPEAKER_02: I don't have the energy.
1:44:10
SPEAKER_02: It's the same way as it was the first time.
1:44:11
SPEAKER_02: But this time, I really just do not care.
1:44:13
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
1:44:14
SPEAKER_02: I just I don't care for guys or girls.
1:44:16
SPEAKER_02: I'm just here.
1:44:17
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, you're here for Jesus.
1:44:19
SPEAKER_03: Yes.
1:44:19
SPEAKER_03: I'm here to When are we going to get you baptized?
1:44:22
SPEAKER_03: That's the real question.
1:44:23
SPEAKER_03: When will that happen?
1:44:25
SPEAKER_03: Um you filled out the thing yet?
1:44:30
SPEAKER_03: No.
1:44:30
SPEAKER_03: So fill out the baptism form.
1:44:32
SPEAKER_03: Like takes two minutes.
1:44:35
SPEAKER_01: I'll fill it out for you.
1:44:36
SPEAKER_03: You're a big girl.
1:44:37
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
1:44:37
SPEAKER_03: Is it dysgrafia or what?
1:44:38
SPEAKER_01: It's the dyslexia.
1:44:39
SPEAKER_01: All right, listen.
1:44:40
SPEAKER_03: I look at that thing and I'm like, you know, you can dictate, and like there's like it will like all you do is talk and then it just fills it in for you.
1:44:46
SPEAKER_03: And it doesn't need to be perfect.
1:44:48
SPEAKER_02: I know, but like whenever you open it, it's like all these words, it's everywhere.
1:44:51
SPEAKER_03: I'm like, like they're quite like one sentence of question.
1:44:54
SPEAKER_03: It's like, what was your life like before Jesus?
1:44:57
SPEAKER_01: I'll do it whenever I get home.
1:44:58
SPEAKER_01: All right.
1:44:59
SPEAKER_03: Do it.
1:45:00
SPEAKER_03: Do it today, and Marie will help you.
1:45:01
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
1:45:01
SPEAKER_03: Well, what give me here's why before we because I feel like we need to have you come back, but we're gonna have to pause here because this has been so much.
1:45:08
SPEAKER_03: Um, Jesus has saved you um and he's redeeming you.
1:45:12
SPEAKER_03: You're gonna celebrate that with baptism.
1:45:14
SPEAKER_03: Are have you given, are you really to say, I'm renouncing all the powers of darkness and homosexuality and all the things of my past?
1:45:21
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I'm ready to move forward and trust Jesus with everything I am.
1:45:25
SPEAKER_03: So, what do you what would you tell somebody right now who's struggling with that?
1:45:34
SPEAKER_02: If you're struggling with same-sex or anything like that, there are people that will tell you that it is just a phase.
1:45:44
SPEAKER_02: And 99.9% of the time, it is just a phase, and it just takes time to get out of it.
1:45:51
SPEAKER_02: I mean, there are some people that are still stuck in that kind of thing, and those people have been stuck in it for life because they never really wanted to change, but it has to be something that you want.
1:46:00
SPEAKER_02: You have to want the change, and I'm the kind of person I want to change, I want to be good, I want to be better.
1:46:06
SPEAKER_02: I don't like being that.
1:46:09
SPEAKER_03: It's just and the good news is that it's no amount of effort to make yourself better, or I'm gonna it's Jesus changed you from the inside.
1:46:17
SPEAKER_03: Now, sometimes he changes you from the inside by stripping you of the very things that you care about the most.
1:46:23
SPEAKER_03: And so I think that might be a little bit of what's happened to you with these relationships, is is God has revealed to you that this is not for you, and um, you're playing the dude's role, and you need to be the one that's a little bit crazy.
1:46:35
SPEAKER_03: I was literally just thinking about the yeah, like it's your turn to be a little bit crazy and to be emotional and not to have your head on your shoulders completely.
1:46:43
SPEAKER_03: And that's okay.
1:46:44
SPEAKER_03: And let a man lead that.
1:46:46
SPEAKER_03: But I and I know that we're not we're not just like, hey, we're setting you up on hinge and we're gonna get you on the you know, I don't want to go that route, but what I do want to do is just kind of prepare your heart for God bringing in a man who wants to lead you toward him.
1:46:58
SPEAKER_03: And I think that's the thing I think gets you excited about someone talking about Jesus and wanting to lead you towards something good.
1:47:03
SPEAKER_02: And that's that's definitely something that I look for if I if I were if I were to date a man, if I ever get to that moment anytime in the future, if I get to that moment, I need him to be God fearing.
1:47:13
SPEAKER_05: Amen.
1:47:14
SPEAKER_02: He needs to be God fearing.
1:47:15
SPEAKER_02: I can't do it if he's not God fearing.
1:47:17
SPEAKER_02: If I if this man is not God fearing, yeah, or if he lies to me and says that he's God's God fearing and he's really not, I'm the kind of person that's like, I'm not gonna say anything, I'm not gonna mention anything, I'm not gonna explain, I'm not gonna beg, I'm not gonna do anything.
1:47:30
SPEAKER_02: I'm walking away.
1:47:31
SPEAKER_02: I at that very moment, if you make it very clear that you are not close to God with your heart and you are with your lips.
1:47:38
SPEAKER_03: You're out.
1:47:39
SPEAKER_03: Hey, I'm gonna end right there.
1:47:40
SPEAKER_03: Hey, thanks so much for joining us.
1:47:42
SPEAKER_03: We'll see you next time on PastorPlex Podcast.
1:47:44
SPEAKER_03: Until then, have an awesome week of worship.