Latest / The Living Loss | Navigating Invisible Grief & Identity / 20 | Living with the Hidden Grief of Mid-Life Relationship Trauma w/ Melissa Issa

Transcript

20 | Living with the Hidden Grief of Mid-Life Relationship Trauma w/ Melissa Issa · The Living Loss | Navigating Invisible Grief & Identity

• Daiana, LMHC: Hello friends, I'm Daiana Bernard, and today I'm missing my dear friend and co-host Cassandra Harris Towner. As licensed mental health counselors, we're unpacking the quiet, complex griefs that don't come with a funeral because you can't heal what you don't acknowledge. Welcome to the Living Loss Podcast. We're so glad you're joining our conversation as we name these losses and create a meaningful path forward together. Please subscribe and share this episode as it helps us grow this community and reach others who need to know that their grief is valid. Let's dive in. We talk about quiet losses on this show, and today we're looking at the grief and loss of identity surrounding the experience of a survivor of domestic violence. Though it will not be the main focus for the interview, please note that this topic could be triggering to some individuals, and being that we are discussing domestic violence And grief-related themes surrounding it. We also want to talk about the unique layer to this story: grieving and rebuilding identity in middle age. There's a specific quiet shame that can happen when you find yourself in an unsafe relationship later in life, carrying this heavy, unspoken belief that you should have known better. But the truth is the circumstances don't check your age before they change. There's no rule book that says you are immune to starting over just because you've reached a certain milestone. Reclaiming who you are is a powerful act, no matter what chapter of life you are in. And before we welcome our guest today, we would like to share a little bit about her. Melissa Issa is a speaker, an advocate who uses her voice to bring awareness to domestic violence, healing, and life after abusive relationships. Through honesty, resilience, and personal experiences, she encourages others to find strength, rebuild confidence, and know that they're not alone. Issa is passionate about helping women heal, grow, and rediscover themselves while creating meaningful conversations that inspire hope and empowerment. Welcome, Melissa. ⁓ Melissa Issa: Thank you for having me. Daiana, LMHC: Thank you for being here with us today. I I always say that things don't happen by coincidence. And you coming into our lives and and ⁓ knowing you want to share your story, and this is something you're so passionate about. ⁓ And just this in your heart ⁓ that vulnerability ⁓ that worth. being vulnerable and sharing because it's so important. Melissa Issa: Absolutely. Daiana, LMHC: ⁓ grief surviv the grief surrounding domestic violence is rarely just about the relationship ending, right? It can feel like mourning an entire version of yourself that is slowly disappearing behind survival mode. And there is often a grief with who you were before the fear, the hypervila vigilance, as you were mentioning earlier to me, that the hypervigilance, the confusion, or the control. before that all entered the picture. It's the kind of living loss that can leave a the person asking, like, how did I become someone I barely recognize? If you could please give us an idea, this ⁓ all started you. you had entered this relationship in your 40s, and this is a time. ⁓ When society tells us that we should have our lives completely figured out, that you can speak, ⁓ that you, Melissa, can speak to that specific stage in your life and how did it affect your sense of self? Melissa Issa: Yeah, so you would think that someone in an abusive relationship would have started in a relationship at an early age and then maybe had been with that person for twenty years. Or it happened young, you don't really think that it would happen later in life like it did for me. I met this man in my early forties. ⁓ And I never been with an abusive man before. I'd never been in a ⁓ toxic relationship. The relationships prior to him, you know, they didn't work, but they were healthy relationships. ⁓ So didn't have although I knew ⁓ obviously that this was this went on, I just didn't just didn't anticipate that I would fall in love with a man like this and ⁓ I didn't realize that that would happen. I don't think anybody thinks this would happen to them. Daiana, LMHC: Mm mm. Mm mm. ⁓ What was your like around that time? Melissa Issa: So I had just separated from my husband. and we had a he was my best friend. We had a really good relationship. It just didn't work. ⁓ ⁓ ⁓ this ⁓ ⁓ Daiana, LMHC: Mm. Melissa Issa: It was not supposed to be anything serious. It was just, you know, I was I had sh I I wasn't even divorced yet. he was actually still living with me. We we had such a good relationship. He was building a house somewhere else and he was staying here with me while we were separating and divorcing. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Melissa Issa: And ⁓ I met him and I fell for everything. He was very charming, extremely charming. He told me everything I wanted to hear. He portrayed like he was just everything I ever wanted in a man. And I just thought that I met the man of my dreams. And I fell head over heels in love with a monster. Daiana, LMHC: Hmm. Well, that is that is heartbreaking because just in the the this nippet of your story, I can see how in your life you had this man, you you were married, it didn't work out, but it wasn't bad, he wasn't mistreating you, you were amicable, like you you were helping him while he was building his house. So I don't think it would have even occurred to you that a person who's coming with such Like good energy and ⁓ so loving, all of these things would be a person that would be anything but what they were showing you. Melissa Issa: Right. And he when we first met, he ⁓ dealt with the fact that my ex-husband was living with me. So I really thought, like, what a good guy. He understands and he trusts me. You know, so a lot of those things, but it was all fake. It was not real. Daiana, LMHC: And there was no way for you to know at that time. Right? Because Melissa Issa: Or I I don't believe there were any signs at that time. ⁓ but maybe there were and I just was blind to them. But even looking back, I don't recall, not from not from the beginning, that there were signs. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. No, and and I can and I can see that because you I I think that that's a unique experience in itself, right? To have this amical breakup for for you to part ways because it's just not good for for both of you, and to still support each other. That's a unique experience in itself. So why would you think that this wasn't something that can happen again, especially because of who you are, right? Not taking into account. Other people, the other person, ⁓ we talk about in this in this realm ⁓ of that you experienced it as identity erosion or the self survival, right? That's the when you start shrinking your needs ⁓ to stay safe. when you're in the thick of it, when you begin to ⁓ Melissa Issa: Right. Daiana, LMHC: to notice that identity shifting or that you were in this survival mode in the thick of it. How did you manage that gap between that woman who is ⁓ gentle, beautiful soul who had would never think that this would happen to her, to that version of survival when you were just trying to get through it, through the day? Melissa Issa: I didn't even know if I realized it while I was in it. I definitely lost an innocence of myself. I lost ⁓ my bubbly personality. I don't have that anymore. I used to have such a bubbly, fun personality. One of my friends said that when I would get excited, I would jump a little or when I would like talk about something, I would jump like a child, ⁓ you know, and that's gone. That's completely wiped. I I'm not like that anymore. ⁓ while I was in it. Daiana, LMHC: Mm. Melissa Issa: ⁓ I think it bec you be you become so consumed with it that it becomes your life and you're just so shocked that this is your life, but you don't really grasp what's going on. ⁓ I'll never forget when I was talking to a friend of mine, one of my coworkers actually, and I was telling something, and she said to me, You should out to somebody at the springs. When she said that to me, ⁓ I had a moment. Cause I don't even think I realized I was in an abusive relationship, even though it was quite obvious he had put his hands on me, not a lot. It was more emotional and mental abuse, but he had there was physical. So there was every sign for me to witness. Like I'm in an I'm in an abusive relationship. But when she told me that, I I remember being shocked and having to think that. It's ⁓ Daiana, LMHC: Yeah. You even in the way you're recalling it as you thought at the time that emotional abuse wasn't as bad as physical abuse. And I and I know that that is a misconception and that we struggle with ac seeing that in our own lives, that being emotionally abused in in the sense of questioning yourself and your reality, your worth. Right, that that is bad, that is as bad or as having someone put hands on you. Melissa Issa: It's worse. Yeah, ha somebody putting hands on you, the bruises, they heal. When somebody gets into your mind and somebody mentally and emotionally abuses you, that stays with you for years. Daiana, LMHC: Tell me. Melissa Issa: It's so much worse than than physical abuse. I've experienced both. And ⁓ the physical abuse only happened a handful of times, but was extremely severe. One of the times that he actually put his hands on me is the reason I left. so it was very extreme, the physical abuse, but I don't have I never ⁓ I I healed from that pretty quickly. ⁓ It was the emotional, the f the mental abuse. That's when they get in your head. And that could take years, if not the rest of your life to heal from. Daiana, LMHC: Yeah, absolutely. And and they these things come come hand in hand, right? When you're going through this emotional abuse, you're saying like you can heal from those bruises and from that experience and from how that made you feel, but then what is breaking down through the emotional abuse is who you are. Melissa Issa: Yeah, he told he completely broke down who I am. I ⁓ was always a very confident, strong woman and I become I became a shell of myself. I was no longer confident. ⁓ he made me so insecure to even get attention that when guys did show me attention, I felt like I had to shadow down where I wasn't getting attention. You know, I I Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, 'cause that that authentic self was being minimized and broken down to that survival self when you are people pleasing, when you are shrinking your needs, when you are emotionally numbing, when you are silent, when you are isolating, walking on eggshells. Those things all helped you survive. Melissa Issa: Hundred percent. Daiana, LMHC: And you mentioned your friend that that ⁓ that kind of highlighted that your relationship. How were your relationships with other people around that time? Melissa Issa: He really isolated me. So he he separated me from my closest friends. ⁓ and then my friends that were involved in my life, I didn't tell them I was embarrassed. I was so embarrassed to tell anybody. I didn't talk to anybody. ⁓ Daiana, LMHC: What is it? Melissa Issa: I remember like speaking very little to my coworker, which is the little bit that I had told her she had recommended me to talk to the Springs. and then I actually had this one friend who was a abusive relationship previously. ⁓ And she recognized the signs. She knew what was going on. She saw. And she extremely patient with me. ⁓ she just kinda put me under her wing. And ⁓ she got me to open to her. Yeah. Daiana, LMHC: Hmm. So you you told me a bit about how it was before when you were ending this relationship and how everything was great at first, and it started shifting in a way that you didn't even realize until it was really bad, and you found yourself alone and isolated. And then it sounds like the turn came when you did confide in this friend. Then what happened? Melissa Issa: So when I confided in my friend, I think my coworker was the first person to open my eyes to things. And once she opened my eyes to things, I started opening up more to my other friend, my best friend. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Melissa Issa: And she was really good as far as not pushing me on any way. She just would listen to me. She was here for me. She was just very extremely supportive. I don't even know how she did it. Even as an advocate, I don't know if I could do what she did. It was incredible. Very incredible. so for me, the abuse, the severe abuse started after I had my daughter. I was postpartum. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Melissa Issa: I it was literally it it started in the hospital. Like it there was stuff before that. I don't wanna be like it was there was nothing, ⁓ but when when the severe, when it really became abusive, ⁓ when it really bad was I was postpartum. I call my maternity leave hell on earth. It was ⁓ Daiana, LMHC: When you are most vulnerable. Melissa Issa: I I saw, I mean, I literally walked into the hospital completely in love with this man, and I left with a monster beside me. Daiana, LMHC: And that shame of it all is kept you quiet as well. Melissa Issa: Absolutely. I had just had my third child with my third guy. I was embarrassed. I was I never wanted to be three kids, three different fathers, and a single mother. Like that just was not. I I was like, absolutely not. So when I decided to get pregnant with this man, I truly believed that we were forever. And I was okay with that. ⁓ but I never thought that I would I didn't think that we would split up. And and it kept me there for seventeen months after my daughter was born in the most brutal abuse that I endured during that seventeen months because I didn't want to be a single mom with three kids from three different fathers and and the and and not only that, but the embarrassment, the humiliation and everything that he put in my head because he knew I felt that. So he played off of all of that. Daiana, LMHC: That is a very, very extreme to know that this person could be so harmful with intent knowing that you're so vulnerable. Melissa Issa: Yeah, I believe ⁓ he was always out. I mean, I think he wanted to destroy me. You know, I I he still tries to destroy me to this day. but yeah, to attack somebody if they're most vulnerable, any woman knows that. When you're postpartum, you're the weakest that you'll ever be ever in life. Your emotions, your body, everything is going through crazy stuff. And then ⁓ ⁓ be tortured. I was I was emotional. Daiana, LMHC: it's torture. Melissa Issa: It was hard. Daiana, LMHC: That is something that I know that anyone who's gone through it is is listening to you and is filling in all of the all of the blanks with their own experiences and can feel feel that pain and that hopelessness. And I can imagine at that time that you didn't have that strength or hope. What was the turning point for you? That gave you the strength to get out. Melissa Issa: So sadly, I didn't love myself enough to leave. but I did love my children enough. ⁓ so I have a grown a grown child that's on his own, and then I have my child that was here at the house with us, and he never did anything around my other child. He was always great with him, he was always good, but he got a little too confident when we had a child together. Daiana, LMHC: Mm. Melissa Issa: And he put his hands on me in front of our daughter. And at that moment, I knew I was going to leave him because I loved her enough. I didn't love myself enough to leave, but I loved her enough to leave. And that was my turning point. It was all for her. Daiana, LMHC: Absolutely that that strength of and of that immense love that you have for your daughter was worth everything, even if it wasn't for you. You know, I wonder if in the beginning of when you were in your past relationship and and in the beginning of this relationship, did do you think at that time that you did have self love? Melissa Issa: I did. That was all broken down. So I was extremely confident when I met this man. ⁓ I ⁓ who was. ⁓ You know, I was a very personable, I had a lot of friends, I had just ⁓ a lot of great stuff going, but after years ⁓ of ⁓ hearing these negative about me, because he did stuff before the, abuse started really bad, but there was always he was always breaking me down. He was always just chipping at my psyche, always. making me insecure, you know, just making little comments that I didn't realize at the time were was mental abuse. ⁓ And I realize, honestly, I didn't even realize that until years later when I look at it and I'm like, he was always abusive, you know, like always emotionally and and and ⁓ abusive, he always would make little comments about the way I acted, the way I dressed, the way I portrayed myself, and made me insecure about who I am. Daiana, LMHC: Right, little by little made you self-conscious and made you start to question. So that was something that was taken away throughout the that relationship. So it makes sense why when you made that decision to leave that it wasn't for you, because that was broken down into a place that you couldn't even identify who you were, but you didn't know the love that you had for your daughter. Melissa Issa: One hundred percent. Yeah. Absolutely. Daiana, LMHC: And I can imagine the story for women or or those who are getting out of these relationships is all different. Some people stay because it's it's safer to stay than to leave. I know that ⁓ this story goes differently for ⁓ for many people, but for you now on ⁓ that, you know, you would like to share any part of that story of you ⁓ getting out of relationship. Melissa Issa: Leaving yeah. Leaving was one of the scariest things I've ever done in my entire life. He had me believing all kinds of crazy stuff. I live in a normal three bedroom, two bath house, two thousand square foot, just a normal regular house. I have eight or nine cameras surrounding my house. And it it's pretty excessive. It wasn't at the time. Every single part of my house is under surveillance. There is not an area of my house that's not under surveillance because I was afraid for my life. I was afraid that he would kill me. I was afraid that other he would send somebody to kill me. I was I was afraid. I was petrified. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Melissa Issa: But I knew I would not make it out of that relationship alive. And this was the only chance that I had. So I felt like I had a better chance to leave than I did to stay. I knew if I stayed with him, he would eventually kill me. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. I believe it. I believe it and I and it seems like it it was it was that certainty. of having lost any type of hope for you to be okay, for your daughter to be okay in that relationship. Melissa Issa: Yeah, and I couldn't raise her like that. I couldn't raise her seeing that. There's just I I can't I couldn't do that. I had to get away. I had to figure out a way. the things that I did, I mean, I created an email account that I emailed myself so everything was timestamped with everything in there that if I disappeared because he made me think that he could make me disappear. ⁓ ⁓ all kinds of stuff to because I was really afraid that he would he would kill me and then raise our daughter. ⁓ And I made all kinds of thing pr solid proof that could be attained if something happened to me. It was a scary, scary, scary time of my life. Daiana, LMHC: Yeah. And I can see as you tell your story that you're not telling it without even though we're on screen, I c I feel you. I feel that that energy of of the remnants of all of that, that pain, that turmoil, maybe even disbelief of looking back and everything that you did to to get out and while you were going through it. Melissa Issa: Yeah, I mean I look back at that person that I was and I was so weak and I was so afraid and I was such a shell of myself. I don't even know how I did it. I don't even I don't even know. I don't know how I left. I think it was just ⁓ sh I mean, just just pure love for my my children that I had to be here as a mother, that they needed me and I had to do everything that I could for them. Daiana, LMHC: And you did. And you did. And is there anything else that you wanted to share about the trajectory ⁓ ⁓ Of that time while you were going through it, was there any type of living grief or did the grief come after? Were you grieving your life before? Did you grieve your life before this relationship? Did you grieve yourself during it, or did that come after? Melissa Issa: I think that came after because I think you go into such survival mode that you become very emotionless. You just are in survival. You're just trying to figure things out. you don't really ⁓ ⁓ Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Melissa Issa: A lot of things like that, anxiety, a lot of anxiety I went through. I mean, I never had anxiety in my life. I didn't even know what anxiety felt like. And then it became a natural thing for me on every day. I had anxiety that just sat at the gut of my stomach, and depending on how the day went, it would lift throughout my body. And anybody that understands anxiety can understand that analogy. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Melissa Issa: And I just I lived with anxiety. And again today I don't have anxiety. I mean I have it once in a blue moon, but very rarely. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Thank God. But you had that that hyper vigilance of of surviving and that awareness of you're in danger and your body was reacting accordingly to keep you safe. Melissa Issa: Yeah. Yeah, I got down to ⁓ a hundred and eight pounds, I think it was, which was my weight in high school. I my legs got so skinny that they looked like arms. I I think from just constantly being like that, I just I just got so unbelievably unhealthy skinny. Daiana, LMHC: Mm. Melissa Issa: It was very I I mean, I looked like I was unhealthy. It was not attractive at all. Daiana, LMHC: No, I can only imagine and that that physical representation of what was going on within you, inside your body. Melissa Issa: Yeah. Daiana, LMHC: Yeah. Well, we're we're gonna ⁓ move on to the part of the show that I we call our favorite part of the show it's the Living Lost Lessons this is where bridge everything we've talked about in tangible ways that we can use right now. These aren't lessons about fixing the pain, but about finding a way to carry it. Sometimes it's a tool to practice, other times as reflecting on the meaning that you've built around the loss that you never asked for. It's the strength you've gained, even in the midst of the hard stuff. And you've shared so vulnerably and so open with us today and Is there any living loss lesson that you've learned from your journey that our listeners could hold on to? Melissa Issa: Yes, absolutely. So I learned that rock bottom is not the it's not the end of my story or anybody's But it's the beginning. It's the beginning of growth and transformation and empowerment. That I think is so big because rock bottom is such a difficult place to be at. It's not fun. It's not fun for anybody. but I hit rock bottom. I I don't feel like could have gotten any lower than I I was, ⁓ and I stayed there for while. It took a long time, but during that time I learned so much. and I grew so much as a person, and then by growing and by healing. ⁓ I became empowered. Daiana, LMHC: And I think I know that it's so important for for you to share these stories because when you're in it, when you are in that rock bottom is complete darkness. And there is no understanding of how to turn that pain into power, how to how to be how to take that power and it becoming resilience and healing through empowering others as you are today. I'm sure that you could go back. And talk to yourself at that time, it would be unfathomable. Can't even see it. Melissa Issa: Exactly. Yeah, it's very hard when you go through something like that. You become just engulfed in the darkness. And it's very, very difficult to get out of that. And sometimes you have to sit in it. And it's okay to sit in it. It's not there's nothing wrong with sitting in it. You just can't stay there. Daiana, LMHC: Love. Right. And especially in the beginning, we talk about acute grief. When we lose a person we love, that is the most intense painful part. And I can imagine that when you're when you're out of this relationship, that that acute grief, that when everything hits you, that it's not the time to move, it's the time to be there. And sometimes we try to skip that part. So it's important to to be in to know that you can and you have every reason to be in so much pain and and take that time and as you said, not to to know that that is not your only choice, that you're not going to be there forever. Melissa Issa: Right. I was still in love with him when I left him. I had not fallen out of love with him, which is wild because of everything that he went through I went through with him and the grief that he created and everything that he did to me, I was still in love with him when I left. So it's very hard when you have to leave somebody your head over heels in love with. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. And I can imagine the how confusing that is. And not having words to describe like this just makes no sense. ⁓ And even blaming yourself for that ⁓ or or like yourself for having those feelings and and that love. Melissa Issa: Yeah, I had to realize that no matter how much I loved him, it didn't change anything. It didn't matter. I could love him whatever, it wasn't gonna change anything. It didn't matter. But it it's it's very hard to leave to leave a relationship when you're in love with somebody. Usually when you're in love with somebody, they leave you. So you don't have any control over it. They left you. You're you're in love with them, but you have to deal with that because it's their choice. It's another thing for it to be your choice and to leave somebody that you're in love with. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. There's so many layers there because ⁓ part of what you're describing is called complicated grief. And that's when you're mourning the what it could have been, right? The good, the good times. A lot of people stay in bad relationships because they hold on to those good moments, right? That person that good person that they believe is in is inside, that imagined version of of that. partner at that existed for glimpses and Melissa Issa: You're chasing that. You're chasing that part of the relationship. You want that so bad. You remember that so much. You wanna hear something funny? I don't remember any of that anymore. All as I remember is is the negative. I don't I wish that I had some good memories I could share with our daughter. I don't have any. I don't remember anything. Daiana, LMHC: Hm. My Mm-hmm. But I I mean, I personally believe that that's a sign of your healing because that is was all an illusion. And now you know that that was not real. And that's not what real love is. And now you know that. So that that was in the past where you would hold on to those things, right? And then when for people from the outside looking in, Melissa Issa: It's kind of Yep. Daiana, LMHC: th they might not understand, like how could you have any feelings for this person? You know, move on. Why are you grieving something that was bad? And there is this lack of understanding of of that person that you were in the beginning, that loss of of identity, all of that pain that you went through with the emotional abuse, emotional confusion, the isolation. Melissa Issa: Mm-hmm. Daiana, LMHC: all of it i intertwined and in those in those moments of still holding on to hope to what who you believe he was and any type of of of goodness that you believe could have still been there. Melissa Issa: Yeah, you find yourself chasing what once was. I've done a lot of studying on things like this and everything, and it's kind of like being addicted to a drug, you know, like it doesn't make sense to anybody. How why would you do a drug that you're just chasing? You know, I like it makes you feel good for a couple of seconds and then you're running around trying to chase that high or whatever. And it's the same thing with with relationships like this. It's very toxic on your brain. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, and I can imagine the research is also part of that reconstructing your identity over again to make sense of of what happened and then who you are now. Melissa Issa: Yeah, I had to reinvent myself, which is where Issa came in at. So I Yeah, so my my name is Melissa. but Daiana, LMHC: Mm. Tell me about it. Melissa Issa: through through all of this ⁓ I have Issa and that's kind of like who have become. And she is stronger and she's smarter and she's more resilient ⁓ she's that I was, ⁓ but more. ⁓ And she's confident ⁓ and She is comfortable in her skin. I've I've been single for 10 years and I'm happy. I don't have to be with a man. I don't have to be in a relationship. and I'm actually at a point in my life right now that the only way I would even consider being in a relationship would they'd have to bring a lot to the table. Because I bring a lot to the table and they'd have to bring more. for me even to consider, you know, ⁓ even being in a relationship or anything like that. I don't even it's funny because I don't even ⁓ girlfriends say like you're single. You don't even like pay attention to anybody and I don't. I I'm not even out there even trying to find anybody or to meet anybody or anything like that. I'm so happy just my life and where I'm at. And and don't get me wrong, ⁓ if if if a great comes like I'm open for that but I'm not looking for that and I don't need that. And it's so empowering and it's so amazing. Daiana, LMHC: It took intention rebuild that self-love. ⁓ And I how you created how you knew this that this part of you, this Issa, that is taking ⁓ the goodness who you were before, but now building it to a fuller, more authentic, ⁓ more ⁓ thoughtful, ⁓ rediscovering, excited, looking at who you not who you are today despite what happened but the strength that you that you found that you have that you didn't Melissa Issa: Yeah, I lost I I lost some things in that relationship. Like I told you, there's certain things that I did lose. But what I it's changed me and it will sh and and it you know, unfortunately it there's some some things that are just not great, but there's so much good that came. And the positive outweighs the negative. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. That you may never get back in the same way is what you're saying. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Melissa Issa: And I'm I'm happy with who I am today, even with what I lost through the journey. Daiana, LMHC: Yeah. Yeah. It's taken so much courage and bravery to do everything that you've done. And I did check out your social media and that energy just flew out at me. That's why I was I asked you to speak on on age because it's such a misconception that if we're older we know better things happen at any time. And also that it's too late. It's never too late when you're alive. to to find different parts of you to find different interests to pour yourself into something new and I just love the message that you share on social media way I saw you is it's like ⁓ my god like ⁓ look at what this looks like look at the the reassurance who you are the vibrance the energy ⁓ the strength ⁓ that ⁓ that you have Melissa Issa: Yeah, some people look at 50s like, well, that's you know, the going downhill part of life. And I don't feel like that. I feel like this is the best era of my life. I'm strong, I'm healthy, I'm happy, I'm independent, I'm enjoying life so thoroughly. love it. I absolutely love it. Yeah. Daiana, LMHC: Things take on a whole new meaning, right? Life takes on a new meaning. What matters to you now, what what you spent time on, who you spend time with. Melissa Issa: Absolutely. Absolutely. I realize that my time is very valuable and I do not give my time away easily. Absolutely. Yep. Daiana, LMHC: I love that. And you pour into yourself the most and you love yourself today. Melissa Issa: I do. I realized that I ha you know, you can't pour from an empty cup. So, you know, us as women, we're constantly giving. We're taking care of our husbands, we're taking care of our kids, taking care of the house, taking care of pets, taking care of, taking care of, taking care of work, doing this, doing that. That's all we do. We take care of everybody but ourselves. And I realized that, you know what? I gotta take care of me. And so there was a point in my life where my daughter was very young. And ⁓ Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Melissa Issa: I didn't care. I was like, you know what? I'm focusing on myself. And I created a home gym and I started working out. And she was too young for me actually to go to a gym. So I did it in my garage. But my children knew that those two hours or hour and a half, whatever it was, that was my time. And I got it every single day. And that's what I did. I went out in the garage and they knew that and they respected that. And she'd come out there and sit there and watch me and everything. And that was empowering, you know, because it was empowering to me to see. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm, yes. Melissa Issa: I before that would feel guilty to do that because I felt like I needed to be a mom. I needed to be there, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, as we do. But when I started being a little more selfish and being like, I need this time because this time helps me be a better mom, a better person. Therefore, I can be a better mom to my children. And then I started seeing her watch me work out and see that. That just became such an empowering thing for me because I saw her. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Melissa Issa: looking up to me and who I was and seeing and that's the woman she'll end up being. Obviously she's a kid right now, she's not into that, but eventually she's gonna remember mom did this and mom did that and I'm gonna be like my mom. Daiana, LMHC: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You showed her. You showed her through through her watching you in real time. And that that self-love, it sounds like it grew from your caring for yourself, including yourself in the Melissa Issa: Yes. Yeah. Daiana, LMHC: I'm helping this person, that person, my kids, and everyone else, including yourself in that and say, hey, I'm going to take a piece of that time for myself to give to myself in any way, shape or form that I need today. Whether it's a workout, whether it's a break, whether it's an outing, whatever that looks like. Melissa Issa: Yeah, because we're by society groomed to think that we gotta take care of everybody else and not ourselves. And we neglect ourselves all the time as women. I I mean, I I can't tell you how many women I see that do that. They focus on everybody else, their friends, their family, their kids, their their work, their this. They never put into themselves. And they go their whole lives just pouring and pouring and pouring. And after this relationship, I realized that I'll pour, but I'm gonna pour into myself first. And that's what I do. I make sure my cup is full first, then I pour into others. And when I absolutely, absolutely. And it's made me more calm. ⁓ I don't get so frustrated so easily. it's just done so much for me. Daiana, LMHC: Right. It changes completely. Melissa Issa: It really has. And it's hard. It's hard to kind of recondition yourself to be like, Hey, I gotta do this. But when you do, it's it's amazing. Daiana, LMHC: Yeah. And you're sh you're showing yourself that it's not selfish in a negative sense. It's in in the most beautiful way that helps you show up how you want to for others. You have to do that for yourself first. And that's what you're doing. Melissa Issa: Right. Correct. Right. And you show up better for others when you invest in yourself. That's the thing, is that when you're exhausted because you've been giving to everybody that's taking from you, you end up getting frustrated with your children very quickly because you're exhausted. You know, you end up, you know, getting frustrated with yourself. But when you invest in yourself first, you see how that changes everything. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Absolutely. Everything that you've gone through is is probably not something that you would have chosen. But you through your story, I'm learning how it looks like for you to ⁓ change story for yourself and know that and that empowerment comes from the knowing and the strength that you can. ⁓ Change things for yourself and choose a different path. That it doesn't come without loss or pain. But what's on the other side is more than worth it. Melissa Issa: I've learned that you can always turn a negative into a positive. There's always something positive and there's always negative things that are happening, but you have to be able to turn a negative situation into something positive. There's always something positive you can get from any situation. And I have learned how to master that. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Through by creating meaning through it and taking action and reflecting on it and being intentional and showing yourself the love that you show to your kids as well. Showing yourself that love. I love it. Thank you so much. Thank you ⁓ for being with us today, for sharing. And if you have any resources or last words for someone who may be in the thick of it today. Melissa Issa: So there's Break the Silence Against Domestic Violence. It's a great organization. They do retreats. ⁓ they have a hotline. If anybody's going through that, I highly suggest that you can follow them on Facebook. They have ⁓ podcasts. ⁓ they're a great organization. I used to ⁓ volunteer with them and I still work closely with them. They're amazing. I'm willing to ⁓ converse and help any woman that's going through this. They can reach out to me through my ⁓ my TikTok. ⁓ I'm very understanding to what anybody goes through. Daiana, LMHC: Absolutely. And I will share the website and and your handle on in the show notes as well. Thank you. Melissa Issa: Awesome, thank you. Daiana, LMHC: And thank you to our listeners for being a part of our circle today. Remember by sharing this you're helping reach someone else who is carrying their loss in silence. Let's keep growing this community together. Subscribe, follow, share, and know that your story matters. And just a reminder, this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes. While we are therapists, this is not replace professional mental health care. If you like to speak to someone, please reach out to a professional near you. Thank you, Issa. Melissa Issa: Thank you for having me.