Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1018 - Parenting Myths Part 1

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#1018 - Parenting Myths Part 1 · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers now.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Using a child's relative successes or failures as a measure
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  Speaker 2: of whether we are or aren't a good parent is
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  Speaker 2: unhelpful and unhealthy, but many of us take that as
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: a signal that our parenting is on the right track.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, My mum
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: and dad.
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: Hello, this is I can't even speak. Oh gosh, it's
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: a Bundai. Welcome to it. Hello, Hello, Hello Johnny. Why
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  Speaker 2: the British accent?
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  Speaker 3: I'm wondering myself.
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: For you, no, for you? Did I do a British accent?
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  Speaker 2: Or did I sount oker?
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  Speaker 3: I think it was a bit of both. Might be
• 0:45
  Speaker 3: a little bit confused.
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: Apologies to all Brits who are listening right now, who
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: are hearing missus. Happy Families called you Oka, I'm going
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: to throw you under the bus with that one. Alo
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: is what I'm trying to say. Hello, it's a new week.
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: We've got some important things to talk about that are parenting.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: I'm doctor Justin Colson. You're Kylie, my wife, mumdour six kids.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: I'm the founder of Happy Families Dot com dot Au
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: and this is the Happy Families Podcast.
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  Speaker 3: At least you're not confused about everything.
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: Well, now we're in the swing of things. Don't waste
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: my momentum otherwise I'll lose where we are. This week
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: a very special week of episodes. We're going to tackle
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  Speaker 2: parenting myths all week long and I can't wait to
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: get into it. There's so much to talk about here
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: when it comes to myths. On Wednesday, an important interview
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  Speaker 2: with James Anderson about the myths around how our minds
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  Speaker 2: work with our children. But today missus Happy Families. What
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: it means to be a good parent? What does it
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  Speaker 2: mean to be a good parent? That's what we're going
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  Speaker 2: to discuss. And You've got a couple of myths for
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  Speaker 2: us to explore and explode as well. Where are we
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  Speaker 2: going with this? What's the first one?
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  Speaker 3: Well, I've got being a good mum means to self sacrifice.
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  Speaker 2: Well, i'd say being a good parent because that's experienced
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  Speaker 2: the same kind of pressure, maybe not maybe not the
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  Speaker 2: same level of guilt that mums do. But yeah, there's
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  Speaker 2: that idea of self sacrifice means to be a good parent.
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  Speaker 3: And we're going to talk a little bit about what
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  Speaker 3: it means if you're a good parent, you'll put to
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  Speaker 3: your kids before your spouse.
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  Speaker 2: But I've reflected on that a lot. But we take
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  Speaker 2: parenting very seriously, not just at happy families, but in
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  Speaker 2: Western society, we take parenting very very seriously. And even
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  Speaker 2: though we've got decades of parenting science to guide us
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  Speaker 2: in our parenting, we really can't prepare ourselves to what
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  Speaker 2: parenting will require of us. Would you say that's fair?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, totally.
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  Speaker 2: Like you, you get behind.
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  Speaker 3: Just when you think it's all over because they move
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  Speaker 3: out of home, you realize that it's actually still going.
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  Speaker 2: It's a lifetime thing. Don't scare people. A lot of
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  Speaker 2: people are dealing with their one year old right now,
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  Speaker 2: going no, no, don't say that to me. But there's
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: all these messes of daily life. There's so much research
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  Speaker 2: that's supposed to guide us, and we want to get
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  Speaker 2: things right because if we get things right, that means
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  Speaker 2: that we've been good parents.
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  Speaker 3: But what's right?
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  Speaker 2: Well, that's exactly what I was going to ask you.
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  Speaker 2: What does it mean to get parenting right? And how
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  Speaker 2: do we know that we're getting it right and that
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  Speaker 2: we're being good at what we do? With all of
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  Speaker 2: these unexpected moments that try because frankly, there is so
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  Speaker 2: much parenting research to be done, there are so few
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  Speaker 2: answers that we really truly have and.
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  Speaker 3: From experience, just when you think you're getting it right,
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  Speaker 3: in the next breath, something goes wrong.
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  Speaker 2: But does that mean that you're not getting it right?
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  Speaker 2: Just because the kids aren't playing by the rules of
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  Speaker 2: the expectation that you've got in your mind, does that
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  Speaker 2: mean you're not getting it right?
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  Speaker 3: It's interesting. I just had a conversation with our elders
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  Speaker 3: the other day. I was kind of having a little
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  Speaker 3: bit of a meltdown because we had a few children
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  Speaker 3: dealing with different challenges.
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  Speaker 2: So, for those of you who are k new to
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  Speaker 2: the podcast, our eldest is in her twenties. She's been
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  Speaker 2: married for a few years now and moved out of
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  Speaker 2: home and living her life.
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  Speaker 3: And she just kind of joked with me and she said, Mum,
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  Speaker 3: she said, I'm looking at my siblings and she said,
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  Speaker 3: each one of us has brought a different challenge to
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  Speaker 3: the table for you and Dad.
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  Speaker 2: Only one one, Oh my goodness.
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  Speaker 3: And I kind of reflect her on that, and it's like,
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  Speaker 3: I just feel like we've worked through this particular challenge,
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  Speaker 3: and we can't even use what we've learned from there
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  Speaker 3: with the next one because it's a totally different challenge,
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  Speaker 3: the totally different skill set required to navigate this particular
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  Speaker 3: difficulty that a child's going through.
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  Speaker 2: Last week, when we had that episode about dad rage,
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  Speaker 2: your parent rage, one of the key themes that we
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  Speaker 2: emphasized in that episode was parenting teaches you a lot
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  Speaker 2: about yourself. It's going through these challenges with the children
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  Speaker 2: where you learn about yourself. And I think that when
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  Speaker 2: we consider what it is to be a good parent,
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  Speaker 2: we've got our metrics all wrong. We're looking at the
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  Speaker 2: wrong thing. Like do you look at how your child's
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  Speaker 2: turning out and use that as a metric. But even
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  Speaker 2: if you do turning out when like now, or turning
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  Speaker 2: out in five years or once they're an adult, or
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  Speaker 2: if they're the ducks of kinder or prep, does that
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  Speaker 2: mean that we're nailing it? Or if they're one of
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  Speaker 2: the good looking popular lines, does that mean that we're
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  Speaker 2: good parents? Or is it just a question of lucky gene.
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  Speaker 3: It's so interesting when you put it like that, because
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  Speaker 3: the reality is, I don't look at anyone else any
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  Speaker 3: other relationship to determine whether or not I'm a good person. Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: because the reality is each person has the agency to
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  Speaker 3: make their own choices, regardless of what's going on around
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  Speaker 3: them or who's taught them. And yet, as a parent,
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  Speaker 3: because I am so emotionally invested right in this human
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  Speaker 3: being's life and their choices, I think that it determines
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  Speaker 3: whether or not I've been a good parent or not.
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  Speaker 2: So I wrote something that I want to read to you.
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  Speaker 2: I haven't shared this with you before, but I wrote
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  Speaker 2: something that highlights what you're saying and goes into it
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  Speaker 2: a little bit more depth. And I've really thought about
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  Speaker 2: this a lot, So tell me what you think about this.
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  Speaker 2: Here's what I said. Using a child's relative successes or
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: failures in comparison appears as a measure of whether we
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: are or art a good parent is unhelpful and unhealthy.
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  Speaker 2: But many of us take that as a signal that
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  Speaker 2: our parenting is on the right track, that we're doing
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: well in the parenting stakes. But is how your child
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  Speaker 2: turns out even relevant to being a good parent? What
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  Speaker 2: if your child has ADHD and in spite of his
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  Speaker 2: genius mental ability, he has limited capacity to inhibit his
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  Speaker 2: behavior and so doesn't fulfill his academic potential. Oh and
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  Speaker 2: he's clumsy with social situations. You watch from a distance
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  Speaker 2: as he stumbles in his efforts to make friends. You
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  Speaker 2: know he has a beautiful heart, he's a gorgeous kid.
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  Speaker 2: He just can't seem to get it together. Does that
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  Speaker 2: mean you're not a good parent? What if you've provided
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  Speaker 2: a nurturing environment, built trust, had all of the important
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  Speaker 2: conversations been present, and the experiment with alcohol or other
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  Speaker 2: drugs make morally questionable choices, or drop out of school
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  Speaker 2: to pursue their art, even if that art is making
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  Speaker 2: YouTube videos or becoming a Twitch streamer. And are you
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  Speaker 2: a good parent while your children are young and compliant,
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  Speaker 2: But once they're in their teens and making independent choices
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  Speaker 2: that conflict with your value system, you are now a
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  Speaker 2: bad parent. That idea that we use the measure of
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  Speaker 2: our children's character as a reflection on the success that
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  Speaker 2: we've had as a parent, or the measure of our
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  Speaker 2: children's successes as a reflection of how good we are
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  Speaker 2: as a parent, it just doesn't make sense. And that's
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  Speaker 2: that's something that we've got to get past. I think
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  Speaker 2: parenting is about us, not the kids. That's why it's
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  Speaker 2: called parenting. If it was about the kids, it would
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  Speaker 2: be called children.
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  Speaker 3: In Well, I know, as I matured and you know,
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  Speaker 3: kind of became an adult, and people would, you know,
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  Speaker 3: constantly tell me that, you know, I had these amazing
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  Speaker 3: parents and that you know, they would be really proud
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  Speaker 3: of who I'd become. There was just there was this
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  Speaker 3: idea that I was who I was because of what
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  Speaker 3: they had done, and I felt like it took away
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  Speaker 3: from my own.
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  Speaker 2: Accomplishments or your own development, and.
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  Speaker 3: The fact that while I recognize, hands down I am
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  Speaker 3: the person I am today because in part of them
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  Speaker 3: their influence. Yeah, but ultimately it comes down to the
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  Speaker 3: choices I've made as a result of the things that
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  Speaker 3: they've taught me that make me who I am.
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  Speaker 2: That's great comment. I'm so grateful to my parents for
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  Speaker 2: everything that they did for me. But I feel like
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  Speaker 2: I'm who I am because of the choices that I've
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  Speaker 2: made building on the foundation of the environment that they
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  Speaker 2: created for me and the support that they gave me
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  Speaker 2: as a child. Yeah, and I reckon most people who
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  Speaker 2: will listen to this would say the same thing. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: I appreciate my parents, grateful what they did. But I've
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  Speaker 2: made these choices. I've taken myself to the place that
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  Speaker 2: I am today. For better orf or worse, it's on me,
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  Speaker 2: it's not on them. So this is a little bit theoretical.
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  Speaker 2: Let's talk about those myths right after the break. Dads
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  Speaker 2: are pretty awesome, just ask me today. More dads are
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: more involved with their children's lives than ever before, and
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  Speaker 2: research shows that their children are really benefiting from it.
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  Speaker 2: But too often dads don't realize just how vital they
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: really are. In the Dadding done Right webinar, join me,
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: is I examine how dads can be a fantastic support,
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: the ideal role model, and an excellent all round best
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: dad ever. Check out Dating Done Right at the Happy
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: Family's webshop.
• 9:15
  Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for a time
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  Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers? Now really interested? Where
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  Speaker 3: this conversation is going to go?
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  Speaker 1: Well?
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  Speaker 2: I really enjoyed that first part of our conversation. Just now.
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  Speaker 2: Well it wasn't supposed to go on for that long,
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  Speaker 2: but I love where we went. Let's unpack this first
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  Speaker 2: myth of being a good parent. What is it?
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  Speaker 3: Being a good parent means to self sacrifice.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Okay, so you've got a few things
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  Speaker 2: to say about this. As a mum of six kids,
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  Speaker 2: where do you want to start?
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  Speaker 3: I think that as a society, it is one hundred
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  Speaker 3: percent kind of an expectation that if you want to
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  Speaker 3: be a good parent, then you have to actually forego
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  Speaker 3: the things that you want in order to put your
• 9:54
  Speaker 3: children first. And I've spent most of my mother ing
• 10:00
  Speaker 3: feeling like that was expected of me. At no point
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  Speaker 3: have I ever resented making those choices. But as I
• 10:08
  Speaker 3: have matured and come to understand myself a lot more,
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  Speaker 3: just recently in the last few years, I have recognized
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  Speaker 3: that I'm actually a better mum when I am able
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  Speaker 3: to take care of myself first. But I didn't understand
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  Speaker 3: or recognize that as a young mum at a time
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  Speaker 3: where I probably needed it the most, I was so
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  Speaker 3: lacking in knowledge.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, to some degree, the more you sacrifice your needs
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  Speaker 2: for your child, the.
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  Speaker 3: Less of me there is to go around.
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  Speaker 2: Which isn't always true, because sometimes we need to sacrifice
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  Speaker 2: our own needs for our children as well, and as
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  Speaker 2: a parent, one of the great learning processes we go
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  Speaker 2: through is the capacity to discern when we should be
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  Speaker 2: and when we shouldn't be, and we make a lot
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  Speaker 2: of mistakes with it. It's a myth. I agree with you.
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  Speaker 2: It's a myth that being a good parent means that
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  Speaker 2: you sacrifice your needs for your child all the time.
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  Speaker 2: There has to be a balance. It's not an all
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  Speaker 2: or nothing proposition in either direction. You can't constantly sacrifice
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  Speaker 2: your child's needs because you have needs. We know, well,
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  Speaker 2: that's called neglectful parenting, and we know how kids raised
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  Speaker 2: in those environments tend to turn out. Then it's not
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  Speaker 2: usually to their benefit at all. But we also know
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  Speaker 2: what happens when a parent, particularly a mum, sacrifices everything
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  Speaker 2: for the child. She becomes exhausted and burnout and stressed
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  Speaker 2: and can't actually give. It's like that whole thing you
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  Speaker 2: can't fill from an empty bucket, an empty tank, whatever
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  Speaker 2: it is. I can't remember the metaphor.
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  Speaker 3: I had a.
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  Speaker 2: Jug in my head. It's got a cup jug, whatever
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  Speaker 2: it is, it's a cup. Yeah, okay, so that's the
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  Speaker 2: first one. And I don't know that. There's a whole
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  Speaker 2: lot more that we need to emphasize there other than that,
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  Speaker 2: if you're a parent, there's got to be some way
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  Speaker 2: for you to be able to look after yourself. And
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: when I say look after yourself, that doesn't mean vegging
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  Speaker 2: out in front of Netflix until all hours of the
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  Speaker 2: night because you need some peace and quiet and you
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  Speaker 2: just want to go brain dead, get some sleep instead.
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  Speaker 2: That's better looking after yourself than starring at Netflix.
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  Speaker 3: For me, that the best thing that I have done
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  Speaker 3: to take care of myself is actually giving myself a
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  Speaker 3: small amount of time where I can actually have space,
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  Speaker 3: like literally just space, go for a walk, yep, so
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  Speaker 3: that I outside outside, I'm in nature, and I just
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: have the capacity to have my own thoughts.
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: What was the second myth that you wanted to discuss today,
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  Speaker 2: That being.
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  Speaker 3: A good parent means putting your kids before your spouse.
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, ye're right, Okay, bad idea.
• 12:46
  Speaker 3: This is a really tricky one, especially when you've got
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: young kids, because the reality is there are significant needs
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: if you're you know, if you're breastfeeding a baby, or
• 12:56
  Speaker 3: if you've got a really clingy toddler, or you know,
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: as the children get a little bit older, they're not
• 13:03
  Speaker 3: old enough to kind of have a sleepover with Grandma Yette.
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: But you know, you still want to be able to
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: spend time, and then on top of all of that,
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: as a parent, you're exhausted, and so making time for
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: each other can be really, really challenging. And I remember
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: in our early years of marriage, we were just so
• 13:22
  Speaker 3: besotted with each other, and while we didn't have the
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: capacity to kind of go on dates and stuff, we
• 13:29
  Speaker 3: actually didn't see a real need for it because we
• 13:33
  Speaker 3: just lapped up anytime we got together, even though it
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: was very limited.
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to put this out there and say it
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  Speaker 2: really bluntly, and I know that this may mean that
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: I'm treating on some people's toes, so I want to
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: say it as sensitively as I can while still being
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: kind of really direct and blunt. And that is that
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  Speaker 2: without a strong marriage and loving home, the likelihood of
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  Speaker 2: everybody in the family failing to thrive or struggling goes up. So,
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  Speaker 2: from my perspective and from a research base looking at
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  Speaker 2: the data, you're putting your children, I think at risk.
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  Speaker 2: You're putting your marriage at risk, You're putting everything at
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  Speaker 2: risk if your spouse is not or your partner is
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: not your number one priority. In fact, just the other
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  Speaker 2: day I was sitting in the living room tapping away
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: on the computer doing some work, and Emily came in
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: and said, Dad, do you love mum more than me?
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: And I looked at her and I said, Emily, I
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: love you so very much, but Mummy always comes first.
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  Speaker 2: Mummy matters more than any of you kids, because Mummy's
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: my wife, and I love you and I do anything
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: for you, but Mum gets my hugs first. And she
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: kind of looked at me and said, okay, like she
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: was totally fine with it. She wasn't upset by it,
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: she wasn't offended by it. In some ways, I think
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  Speaker 2: she was reassured. The foundation on which our family rests
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: is you and I. It's not your relationship with the kids,
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: on my relationship with the I wonder if.
• 15:01
  Speaker 3: She had that conversation with you, because the other night
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: when I went to pick you up from the airport
• 15:05
  Speaker 3: after you've been away, the kids volunteered. There's two drivers
• 15:10
  Speaker 3: in the house and they both volunteered, and they said,
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: I'll go get down, and I said no, I said
• 15:14
  Speaker 3: I'll go get him, and they kind of looked at
• 15:16
  Speaker 3: me and they went, yeah, because you're his favorite. And
• 15:19
  Speaker 3: I wonder if she's kind of just been mulling over
• 15:21
  Speaker 3: about me and wanted to know.
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah, there there's a really strong cultural bias, I think
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: towards favoring and prioritizing the needs of children over parents.
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: But whether it's going on a date night or just
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: giving the kids the remote control on of the TV
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: and saying, you can watch a movie for the next
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: hour and a half, we're having some time together in
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  Speaker 2: the bedroom. We don't have to tell them why we're
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: having some time together in the bedroom. We just have
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: some time together in the bedroom, give them the remote,
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: and I'm just saying that's what you and I do.
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: I'm just suggesting that people could do that. I don't
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: want to go sharing the family secrets or anything, but
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: doing things that demonstrate that you can prioritize your relationship
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: over and above the remainder of the family relationships I
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: think is critically important. I haven't seen any evidence anywhere
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: that would make me question whether that matters or not.
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: So there's two myths that I think that we can
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: fairly soundly debunk dispute throughout the window. The first one
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: that you should sacrifice your own needs for your children.
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: You've got to make sure that there's a healthy balance there.
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: Kids do have needs and they do need to be met,
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: but you've got to make sure that you're well.
• 16:25
  Speaker 3: The reality is, though I think the I think I
• 16:28
  Speaker 3: need to debunk that myth. There is never a balance. Okay,
• 16:33
  Speaker 3: you're never going to get the balance right. And the
• 16:35
  Speaker 3: reality is your kids are going to take the lion share.
• 16:39
  Speaker 3: That that's family life.
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: True, yep.
• 16:42
  Speaker 3: But as a parent, finding some time to just feed
• 16:47
  Speaker 3: your soul whatever that looks like, is really important and
• 16:51
  Speaker 3: for different people to it'll be different things.
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: Okay. And the second myth is that the kids need
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: to come first. I would argue otherwise it's about your
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: spouse or partner first.
• 17:02
  Speaker 3: And again it'll be different for everyone. How you find
• 17:05
  Speaker 3: time for each other?
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: You are my favorite missus Happy Families, Well your minds okay.
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. Hey, what
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: myths are we going to bust tomorrow?
• 17:16
  Speaker 3: Well, we're going to look at why we shouldn't be
• 17:19
  Speaker 3: friends with our kids. And you can tell a good
• 17:21
  Speaker 3: parent by how good their kids are.
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: Great stuff can't wait tomorrow On the Happy Families podcast.
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: Please join us there If you'd like more information about
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: the stuff we're talking about, visitors at happyfamilies dot com
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: dot you