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The Things We All Carry · Infinite Threads with Bob Barnett

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  [music]
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, hey, hey!
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Infinite Threads.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Bob.
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  SPEAKER_00: Yesterday we started the human things with the idea that
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  SPEAKER_00: before anybody became our opponent, they were a baby.
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  SPEAKER_00: Before the labels, before the arguments, before life had time to shape them.
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  SPEAKER_00: Today, I want to stay with that same idea of unseen history,
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  SPEAKER_00: but I want to bring it closer to the present.
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  SPEAKER_00: Because every person we meet Every single one is carrying something, usually more than we know.
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  SPEAKER_00: That person in front of us at the store, they may look completely ordinary.
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  SPEAKER_00: The coworker who seems distracted may look completely ordinary.
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  SPEAKER_00: The person sitting across from us at dinner may look completely ordinary.
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  SPEAKER_00: And guys, that is the problem with a lot of human pain.
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  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't always look like pain.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it looks like somebody being quiet.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it looks like somebody being impatient.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it looks like somebody saying, I'm fine, and hoping nobody asks a second question.
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  SPEAKER_00: We get very little access to what is actually happening inside of another person.
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  SPEAKER_00: Most of the time,
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  SPEAKER_00: we're working from clues,
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  SPEAKER_00: a tone of voice,
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  SPEAKER_00: a look on somebody's face, the fact that they're more withdrawn than usual.
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  SPEAKER_00: And even then, even when we see all that, we can get it wrong.
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  SPEAKER_00: Someone may seem rude,
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  SPEAKER_00: When they're scared,
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  SPEAKER_00: they may seem distracted because they're waiting on medical news.
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  SPEAKER_00: They may seem short tempered because they've not slept well in weeks.
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  SPEAKER_00: We usually don't know.
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  SPEAKER_00: That, that's what makes empathy difficult.
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  SPEAKER_00: We're constantly interacting with people whose inner lives are mostly invisible to us.
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  SPEAKER_00: I think about how often that we make quick judgments based on the few seconds
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  SPEAKER_00: that we happen to witness.
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  SPEAKER_00: The cashier seems unfriendly.
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  SPEAKER_00: The driver ahead of us hesitates too long.
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  SPEAKER_00: Someone doesn't respond to a message.
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  SPEAKER_00: Our minds fill in the rest.
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  SPEAKER_00: They don't care.
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  SPEAKER_00: They're inconsiderate.
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  SPEAKER_00: They're ignoring me.
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  SPEAKER_00: Maybe.
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  SPEAKER_00: But then again, maybe not.
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  SPEAKER_00: There's an enormous amount of life happening behind behavior.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that doesn't mean that we should excuse everything by any means.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes somebody really is just being rude.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes somebody really is inconsiderate.
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  SPEAKER_00: The point, the point is not to pretend otherwise.
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  SPEAKER_00: The point is to leave a little room for what we don't know.
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  SPEAKER_00: I think that room matters too, like all the other little spaces that we give things.
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  SPEAKER_00: Because most of us know what it feels like to have something going on privately.
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  SPEAKER_00: While the rest of the world expects us to behave normally.
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  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we've lost somebody.
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  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we're worried about money.
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  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we're trying to hold together a family situation that nobody else even knows exists.
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  SPEAKER_00: And still, the grocery store is open.
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  SPEAKER_00: The phone rings.
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  SPEAKER_00: The work day begins.
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  SPEAKER_00: Life doesn't stop.
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  SPEAKER_00: Just because our private world is difficult.
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  SPEAKER_00: So we put ourselves together enough to walk through the day.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we do that very well.
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  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we don't.
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  SPEAKER_00: And every person around us is doing some version of the same thing.
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  SPEAKER_00: Just think about it.
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  SPEAKER_00: That thought changes the way that we, it changes the way I look at people.
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  SPEAKER_00: Not because I assume everybody is suffering all the time.
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  SPEAKER_00: I don't think that's healthy either.
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  SPEAKER_00: But I do think everybody has carried something.
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  SPEAKER_00: You know, grief, fear, disappointment, loneliness.
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  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, life puts something heavy in every set of hands.
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  SPEAKER_00: Some burdens, well, some of them are temporary.
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  SPEAKER_00: Some follow us for years and some become so familiar that we forget we are still carrying them.
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  [music]
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  SPEAKER_00: That is part of what makes people hard to understand.
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  SPEAKER_00: We're often responding not only to what is happening now, but to what happened before.
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  SPEAKER_00: A person who has been betrayed may hear danger in something
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  SPEAKER_00: That another person thinks is harmless.
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  SPEAKER_00: Someone who grew up feeling ignored may react strongly when they think
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  SPEAKER_00: that they're being dismissed.
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  SPEAKER_00: A person who has spent years struggling to feel safe may need more reassurance
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  SPEAKER_00: than somebody else understands.
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  SPEAKER_00: Again, that doesn't mean every reaction is healthy.
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  SPEAKER_00: It does mean, though, that reactions have histories.
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  SPEAKER_00: And histories do matter, guys.
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  SPEAKER_00: That is one of the reasons that I keep coming back to the idea
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  SPEAKER_00: that understanding is not the same thing as approval.
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  SPEAKER_00: If I understand why somebody behaves a certain way,
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  SPEAKER_00: I may be better able to respond without making the situation worse.
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  SPEAKER_00: I may still have to say no.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I may still need a boundary.
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  SPEAKER_00: But I don't have to invent a story about the person being terrible when
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  SPEAKER_00: the truth may be far more complicated.
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  SPEAKER_00: I think there's a kind of kindness in saying even silently,
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  SPEAKER_00: I do not know what this person is carrying.
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  SPEAKER_00: I do that daily when I'm driving in traffic.
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  SPEAKER_00: That one sentence, it can slow us down.
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  SPEAKER_00: It can keep us from turning a bad moment into a complete judgment of somebody's character.
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  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes slowing down is enough.
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  SPEAKER_00: There's another side to this too, guys.
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  SPEAKER_00: People are not only carrying pain.
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  SPEAKER_00: They're also carrying love.
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  SPEAKER_00: They're carrying memories.
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  SPEAKER_00: They're carrying people who are no longer here.
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  SPEAKER_00: That may be why a certain song matters so much.
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  SPEAKER_00: I know it is for me.
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  SPEAKER_00: Or why somebody keeps an old photograph.
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  SPEAKER_00: Or why an ordinary object in a drawer can mean more than something expensive.
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  SPEAKER_00: We carry people inside of us.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that's one of the most beautiful parts of being a human.
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  SPEAKER_00: And also, one of the hardest, isn't it?
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  SPEAKER_00: A
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  SPEAKER_00: teacher who believed in us may still affect the way we see ourselves decades later.
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  SPEAKER_00: A friend who showed up at the right time may still be present in the way
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  SPEAKER_00: that we show up for somebody else.
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  SPEAKER_00: A person we lost may still influence the way that we love.
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  SPEAKER_00: We carry them forward.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's the part of the weave too.
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  SPEAKER_00: Not everything we carry is visible and not everything invisible is painful.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the invisible thing is the reason someone keeps going.
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  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're trying to make a parent proud or maybe they are building a better life
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  SPEAKER_00: for a child.
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  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe they're keeping a promise that they made to somebody years ago.
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  SPEAKER_00: You can't see that by just looking at them.
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  SPEAKER_00: You just see a person buying groceries.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's what fascinates me.
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  SPEAKER_00: Think about the stories that are in front of us every day.
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  SPEAKER_00: The outside of a human life tells us almost nothing about the whole thing.
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  SPEAKER_00: We can spend years with somebody and still discover stories we never knew.
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  SPEAKER_00: A childhood experience, a regret, a moment, a moment that changed them.
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  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly, something about that person makes more sense now.
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  SPEAKER_00: We're always learning.
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  SPEAKER_00: We're always learning one another late.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's a mouthful.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's probably true even in the closest relationships.
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  SPEAKER_00: Nobody gives us their complete history all at once.
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  SPEAKER_00: Pieces come out over time.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes because they trust us.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes because something reminds them.
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  SPEAKER_00: And other times because we finally ask the right question.
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  SPEAKER_00: That may be one of the greatest gifts that we can give to another person Not advice,
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  SPEAKER_00: not a solution, but curiosity.
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  SPEAKER_00: What has this been like for you?
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  SPEAKER_00: That question, that question creates room.
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  SPEAKER_00: It says, I'm not going to assume I already know.
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  SPEAKER_00: And when someone feels safe enough to answer honestly, something changes.
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  SPEAKER_00: The person becomes more Than the behavior that we've been looking at.
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  SPEAKER_00: Their story gets larger.
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  SPEAKER_00: I think that the world could use more of that, don't you?
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  SPEAKER_00: We're surrounded, surrounded by systems that encourage fast conclusions.
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  SPEAKER_00: A headline.
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  SPEAKER_00: A photograph.
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  SPEAKER_00: A 15-second video clip.
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  SPEAKER_00: We see one piece of a person and are immediately invited to decide who they are.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the information is important and sometimes the behavior really does tell us something.
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  SPEAKER_00: But a fragment is still only a fragment.
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  SPEAKER_00: Human beings are longer stories than that even.
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  SPEAKER_00: And maybe remembering what people carry Helps us resist the temptation to reduce them.
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  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean that we become naive.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'll say it again.
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  SPEAKER_00: It means that we become careful.
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  SPEAKER_00: And there is a difference.
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  SPEAKER_00: We can still protect ourselves.
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  SPEAKER_00: We can still call harmful behavior what it is.
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  SPEAKER_00: But we do not have to make cruelty out of certain.
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  SPEAKER_00: We can leave room for the parts of the story that we don't know.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's what I want us to carry forward from today.
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  SPEAKER_00: The next person we meet may be having a wonderful day.
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  SPEAKER_00: I hope that they are.
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  SPEAKER_00: But they may also be holding something heavy with both hands
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  SPEAKER_00: while trying very hard not to drop it in public.
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  SPEAKER_00: We probably will not know which.
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  SPEAKER_00: So maybe we give each other a little more grace than the moment seems to deserve.
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  SPEAKER_00: Not endless grace,
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  SPEAKER_00: not permission for anything,
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  SPEAKER_00: but just enough to remember that the visible part of a person,
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  SPEAKER_00: well, that's not the whole person.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I think you know.
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  SPEAKER_00: Yesterday, we looked backward and remembered the baby before the opponent.
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  SPEAKER_00: And today, we look at the adult standing in front of us and remember something else.
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  SPEAKER_00: There is more going on in that life than we can see.
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  SPEAKER_00: Tomorrow,
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  SPEAKER_00: I want to take that idea one step further because sometimes we don't even see
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  SPEAKER_00: the person.
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  SPEAKER_00: We see a stranger, a category, Face in a crowd.
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  SPEAKER_00: But that stranger is somebody's person.
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  SPEAKER_00: And once we remember that, the distance between us may not feel so large.
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  SPEAKER_00: I love you guys very, very much.
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  SPEAKER_00: And you know what I need you to do.
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  SPEAKER_00: Well, pass that on, okay?
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  SPEAKER_00: Later, Gators.
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  SPEAKER_00: Bye-bye.
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  [music]