Latest / The Rooted Family / BONUS | Our Bedtime Rhythm Stopped Working (Listen in as We Work Through It)
Transcript
- Christian Cornish: Well, hey friends, welcome back to the Rooted Family Podcast. Before we jump into today's conversation, I want to encourage you that if you haven't listened to last week's episode yet, I'd actually recommend starting there first. In that episode, we talked about why rhythms matter, how they create freedom, reduce decision fatigue, and help us build more margin for the people and priorities we care about most. But here's something we've learned over the years. Even the best rhythms don't last forever. As your family grows, your kids change, the seasons shift, and what worked six months ago may not be serving your family today. And that's okay. Yeah, and one of the biggest mistakes that we see people make is thinking that if a rhythm stops working, they need to just throw it out altogether. But we found that more often than not, a rhythm doesn't need to be abandoned. It simply needs to be adjusted. So today we're doing something a little different. Yeah, instead of teaching about rhythms, we're inviting you into one of our own conversations. You're going to hear us workshop our family's ⁓ summer bedtime rhythm in time. ⁓ It's honest, it's a little messy. And we certainly don't have all the answers, but our hope is that as you listen, you'll begin to ask some of these questions for your own family rhythms. So let's jump in. Well, friends, thanks for letting us invite you into a real conversation from our home today. That wasn't scripted. We didn't exactly know where land. We simply wanted to you. what it actually looks like to refine a rhythm when it's no longer serving your family well. maybe bedtime isn't the area that's frustrating you right now. Maybe it's mornings or meal times. Maybe it's just getting out the door. ⁓ Maybe it's finding to connect with your spouse or maybe creating space to spend time with the Lord. Whatever it is, don't ignore that frustration. Instead get curious about it. Ask yourself What do I want this area of my life to look like? What's no longer working? And what's one small adjustment we could make? And remember, you don't need to overhaul your entire family. You probably just need one thoughtful adjustment. Because one of the biggest lessons that we've learned in this is that a rhythm that worked last season may not work in this season. And that's not failure, that's family life. That's real life. As your family grows, your rhythm should grow too. Thanks so much for joining us today. If this conversation encouraged you, we'd love for you to share this episode with your spouse or a friend and work through these questions together. Hey, until next time, remember, frustration is often an invitation to create or refine a rhythm. We'll see you next week. there comes a time when you're building your rhythms that you're going to be realizing that your rhythms are either ⁓ Expired, they're no longer necessary. Or two, there's just some adjustments or tweaks that need to happen so that the rhythm can fit your current season of life. It's kind of like when you have that, you know, your favorite pair of jeans, ⁓ fitting nice, ⁓ then you have a little too much ice cream over a period of time and ⁓ don't quite fit anymore. Not speaking from personal experience. ⁓ I would not. No. No. ⁓ No. And you know, you gotta find the right jeans to fit in again. So you gotta make an adjustment. You gotta make an adjustment. For the belt. That's right. ⁓ Yeah. You when you have a belt and that hole gets really worn out because you use the same one? Well you can't reach that Are you adjusting your ice cream Is that what you're saying? ⁓ I refuse. ⁓ You rebuke that? Speak against it. Okay, so instead of ditching rhythms altogether when they get kinda wonky, which I think is probably all of our first reaction, ⁓ we wanna encourage you really think about taking some time with your spouse to hash out adjustments that you can make to a rhythm. And so we're gonna take the next few moments to share on the podcast here ⁓ rhythm that's been frustrating both of us currently and how we want to make it better. that rhythm is ⁓ our summer bedtime ⁓ rhythm. ⁓ Yeah, it's been awful. it is so stressful and ⁓ Frustrating. What has been making it stressful or frustrating for ⁓ Well, I think ⁓ two things. ⁓ it's taking a ⁓ amount of energy to get the little kids to bed. So our youngest four. ⁓ Actually, I'll say five. The youngest five. ⁓ then they don't stay in their bed. They're yelling, they're up and then running around, and We're trying to hang out and spend some time together or maybe finish cleaning up the house, like some chore, whatever it is. and they won't go to bed. Uh-huh. ⁓ And they out constantly. it's just gotten out of hand. And it's just, the most exhausting time. And you're already exhausted. Yeah. Because it's literally the end of the day. So ⁓ everything from work to ⁓ family time to dinner, all of that stuff, just having nothing left, and then feels like I'm overdrawing on the energy bank account ⁓ to get through bedtime. and it was through the school year. It literally was like the first day of summer. Yeah. And ⁓ something exploded in our house. like a bomb went off at nine o'clock at night. I think what makes it hard to is that ⁓ Summer is officially here. Kids feel like they can stay up late, sleep in. And two, I mean, just the natural timing of the day is different. the sun is literally staying up until nine o'clock at night. ⁓ so it's hard to put kids to bed at 7:30 ⁓ their brains are telling them, like, hey, it's still playtime, it's still daylight. I think that part does change it up, probably for all the listening. It's like when summer hits, bedtime just becomes another ⁓ beast. Yeah, and it feels like lately, and think is the normal pushback that children have. Like, okay, we know what we're doing, guys. We're going to bed. We do the same thing every night in a certain order, usually. And everybody to go out of order. Or, well, let me stay up and watch ⁓ longer. Or, ⁓ forgot this thing downstairs. I need to go do it. Or and I need water. I need to go to the bathroom for the tenth time. Like Yeah, and we have a lot of kids, so you might give your attention to two over here and turn ⁓ around ⁓ Thinking we're moving forward. Like, and I turn and there's three of them ⁓ who have done absolutely Uh-huh. And it's like, ⁓ what? ⁓ Like, you what do. You've lived here your entire life. ⁓ It's like whack-a-mole. Whack-a-mole where you lay down couple kids and you're like, All right, I've tucked them in, I've scratched their back, I've sang to them, I've done all the things. ⁓ You turn around to scratch next kid's back. and I turn around there's three of them ⁓ who have done absolutely nothing. And it's like, ⁓ what? ⁓ Like, you know to You've lived here your entire life. ⁓ It's like whack-a-mole. Whack-a-mole ⁓ you lay down a kids and you're like, All right, I've tucked them in, I've scratched their back, I've sang to them, I've done all the things. ⁓ You turn around to scratch the kid's back. And the first mole is coming out of the hole again. As the silliest thing I've ever heard. yet it could not be more true. And by the fifth round of whack-a-mole, you're like ⁓ I'm ready to go right now. Like, when is this game gonna end? I hate this game. ⁓ This is the dumbest I've ever played. And the first mole is coming out of the hole again. As the silliest thing I've ever heard. And yet it could not be more true. And by the fifth round of whack-a-mole, you're like ⁓ I'm ready to whack-a-mole right now. Like, when is this game gonna end? I hate this game. ⁓ This is the game I've ever played. ⁓ ⁓ It's so true. ⁓ Cause this is what is super frustrating though. there's one in particular who I'm dude, you this? Like, put your jammies on. Uh-huh. But yes, dad. And like they have a big walk-in kind of not a big but a ⁓ walk-in-ish closet. So he goes in there to change in privacy. And I'll Do everything, I'll have all the other kids almost in bed. I'll turn around and be like, where is he at? And I go back in the door and he's been playing in there the whole time. He hasn't done anything. That's our kid that likes to slow and savor everything. ⁓ yeah. And it's like ⁓ my goodness. what was going on? Yeah. Like that's just an example. you know, when I think about what worked the past what are what are some things that come to mind that we've done in the past that has helped bedtime go smoother? I've noticed it goes better when first of all, everybody moves together. ⁓ it's harder for us. We have a larger family. it probably works similar for smaller families in the sense of like ⁓ everybody moving in the same direction. seems to help. Yeah. A few people lagging behind or like doing something else while a few of us try to go upstairs and start bedtime, that just doesn't seem to work. It feels way more chaotic because it feels like, ⁓ I'm constantly dragging some, some are kind of moving forward and now they're running off in a new direction. So I always find it better when we say, All right, we're all getting ready at the time. Yep. And we're all doing the same things. at the same time. Are there certain things that you appreciate doing together besides the typical like brush teeth, get your jammies on, get in bed? Is there anything else that we could all do together ⁓ to simmer them down, relax calm them? So we have I'm realizing this now, gotten from bedtime story because it's getting too late. Mm-hmm. bedtime is taking too long. Mm-hmm. so I'm not doing any more bedtime stories ⁓ with anyone. But I do think there's something about that connection ⁓ that creates a more peace and calm. Uh-huh. Getting into bed. ⁓ ⁓ Yeah, they're think connection is good word. Yeah. Yeah. Like it's almost like their love tanks are full. Like snuggling you for a moment and reading. ⁓ It I think there's something about reading aloud to kids that also does something in their brain that soothes them. ⁓ almost starts to help put them to sleep a little bit. That's an interesting thought. I think you're right. What have you noticed lately that has maybe been that used to work in the past? Well, one thing that we were doing for a little while that I really loved was doing the YOTO player together. The YOTO is like a listening device. And we were listening to bedtime stories together as a family. And I think that anytime that we can create way for the kids to know, ⁓ we calming down right now. I think sometimes with the summer we're going from outside playing because you know we're enjoying the sun going down and the kids are outside having fun. Everyone's really wound up. I do think that there is something to be said about can we create an atmosphere of kids winding down and supporting them to wind down ⁓ so that we have to give them a melatonin or we don't have to ⁓ yell at them chill out. You know, I think the moment we raise voice at bedtime, the more their fight or flight, kicks in. And now we have kids that are on edge, we're on edge. ⁓ we do have soundmakers in the room, but I wonder it's playing ⁓ some sort of ⁓ bedtime ⁓ music. we haven't done that in a long time. I wonder if we could go to doing like the player. We have some lullaby. Yeah, the bedtime music cards ⁓ that are actually lullaby worship cards. ⁓ I almost wonder if doing something like that might soothe them. ⁓ have another thought, something that hasn't happened in a while, that we might want to consider because I do think it helps. Is haven't been putting the kids ⁓ too together. And I think that goes faster. ⁓ Uh-huh. I ⁓ It's kind of like whack-a-mole, ⁓ huh, but two people are playing instead of one. Uh-huh. And it's just way easier because it's like you're watching this couple, I'm watching this couple, and I think lately it's kind of been one of us is putting him to bed. As in you are been putting them to bed. I was trying to be nice to you because there's a lot of people listening to the podcast. Well, I mean, this is I think this is the reality though, is that sometimes in big families or in any family Sometimes it feels like dividing and conquering is the most efficient way to get things done. And we have a special needs baby who requires a lot of me throughout the day. So we get to the end of the day and I'm ready to check out. I mean, you're ready to check out because you've worked all day, but you haven't necessarily been with the kids all day. And so for me, lately, my way of kind of checking out and taking a break has been washing the dishes while you go and get the littles to bed. ⁓ And to me has felt ⁓ on end, has felt like almost like a mental break. And I get it. it's not as efficient if we're both the kids to bed because now the ⁓ there's still things to do around the house. Like then we're both coming down and having to finish up the last minute chores. ⁓ can tell you the time has been so stressful on my own. Cause then you come up and You know, usually there's a gap in between like me saying goodnight and I'm like, Okay, mommy's coming. Yeah. And then before you can get to them. And then that is also causing chaos because they want you to come say good night. Yeah. And they're waiting for you. So everybody comes downstairs ⁓ where you are. And it's like all of you go back to bed. Like what are you doing? And I've literally put you to bed. Uhhuh. And so I honestly would rather that we put him to bed together and I will come down and do the dishes. Yeah. Because I literally wouldn't care. it'd be faster, maybe it's faster, I think, but the overall energy output is ⁓ feels way less. I mean for me dishes is quick, fast, easy. ⁓ I I just I can ⁓ have that checkout like the What do they call it? I forget who came up with this phrase, the dudes that have a nothing box. It's like you need to go in your nothing box once in a while. That's a great nothing box time. And you could sit down for five minutes or ten minutes, whatever. by the end of ⁓ we would be our best self or least our better self. Okay, question. Do we think it's necessary That both of us scratches every single kid's back individually and sings Amazing Grace to every single kid. Or could we think about another opportunity You I'm just thinking, okay, you and I, we both individually scratch every kid's back, and we each sing Amazing Grace to Each kid individually. I wonder if we just have so many steps in our saying goodnight that like that already is exhausting us. I do find ⁓ that when we skip we say goodnight to them, they do not respond to that well. Uh-huh. ⁓ And ⁓ I put times amount of energy into trying to get them to go to bed. than if I just said goodnight to them in the way that they have come to appreciate. Yeah. So I don't know. I I don't personally feel like it. I think it's good to question and to bring up and talk about it. I think when we talk about our rhythms, ⁓ every stone should turned over. Mm-hmm. ⁓ my initial reaction that I think they will ⁓ not like the change. It's like they almost have gotten used to it. And that ⁓ is what settles them. ⁓ Yeah. they'll just get out bed, which is the thing that's been so frustrating lately is I don't think they feel like closure at bedtime. So they keep getting up. Yeah. And coming to us constantly. And it's like, no, we said goodnight. So I feel like it just brings a moment of The night is over. One thing that we used to do that we haven't done recently is squeeze prayer. Squeeze prayer where we all sit in a circle, family. Right. We all hold hands and then we each go around and pray. And then when we're done praying, we squeeze the next person's hand to let them know it's time to pray. ⁓ I almost wonder if maybe this summer we could try as a small tweak to kind of bring the family together. Because yeah, the older girls are staying up a little bit later now. We're not putting them To bed with the other kids. and they sleep in a different area of our home. Yeah. So it's like we're not in the same area. Mm-hmm. ⁓ But almost wonder if bringing the family together for that moment ⁓ before we down all the littles might be kind of a nice way ⁓ to signal everybody hey, we're calming the house down now ⁓ and we're gonna pray to end the day. Yeah. ⁓ I really like that idea. I think for those of you who are listening in, I think what you're hearing us say is we've come to the conclusion that we're not doing a great job of bringing a finality, a closing moment to the day, which is kind of what's leading to the chaos. We've hit that in a few different ways. could we put the kids to bed together? Because that seems to not be creating that final moment. Could we read a book together to calm their mind down? Could we listen to some music? Listen to some music, turn that on. Could we pray together? These are all things we could start doing, start trying to see if basically ⁓ everybody to a can clear moment ⁓ of ⁓ it bedtime. Yeah. ⁓ It is time for my mind and my body to shut down. Yeah. It is time to stop driving my parents crazy. ⁓ huh. They don't do it intentionally. I'm just kidding. If we were to have a bedtime rhythm that's life giving, the thing that sucks my energy is starting too late. ⁓ It does suck your energy very much. I am a ⁓ crazy person when it comes to getting kids to bed at a good time. And I do feel like this is where you and I differ because this is where you I think end up being a little bit more loosey-goosey or flexible with the bedtime. Where I feel like I thrive a little bit more of like, hey, if we decide this is the exact time we're gonna start getting kids to bed, I want to nail that as much as possible. Well, I like to think of it, my dear, as you're talking you're talking in routine and I'm talking in rhythms. No. I'm just kidding. Rhythm rhythms are structured, okay? I think the difference is you say, ⁓ it's 7 30. It's wrestle time. Let's get these kids all riled up. And I'm like, okay, but I thought we were laying them down at 7 30. We're supposed be calming down at 7 30. So I almost wonder if we need to think about okay, the sun is up. realistically speaking, the sun is up till nine o'clock. ⁓ when we want to start getting the kids ready for bed? And when do we want them like ⁓ lights out? We've kissed them goodnight and are walking away. Yeah, I think you're right. We need to talk about adjusting because with summer comes longer days and ⁓ it makes it more difficult for them to calm down. And I think we are finding that, hey, if we try to push the school time seven thirty type thing, ⁓ just leads to chaos because they're just internally pushing back. Yeah. And there's almost something that happens, I think, even after like eight thirty, where like everybody just goes cuckoo because I think so too. They're just tired at that point. Yeah. If there's a sweet spot there. It feels like if we could start by eight o'clock the goal of being done by eight thirty. That still feels too late to me, to be honest. In the summertime you still feel Yeah, because I'm ready to get to bed by nine. And I think that's the part that's frustrating me so much is I feel like I'm not getting enough downtime to shut down the house, do our final cleanup. And get some time to connect with you ⁓ before we to sleep at a good time. Because this is one thing our audience may not know. We wake up so early. I mean, we're ⁓ you're up between 4 30 and I try to get up around 5 30. And so ⁓ because we get up so early, have to be in bed early to not kill ourselves. ⁓ And I think where I get frustrated is if we're still tucking the kids in by 8 30, I'm like, I have a half hour to get this house shut down and get into bed at a good time. And so 7 30 still feels good to me, but I almost wonder if we have to really begin at 7 30 with the goal of shutting down by 8 o'clock. I'm willing to try. I feel like this is one of those items we might have to come back and revisit. Yeah. But we have not been intentional about it. So we can't truly say if it will work or not work. Yeah. So I do agree that we should really give it a shot and let's see how that goes. I think that bedtime would be more life giving to me. I would enjoy it more ⁓ knowing that We're not at our limit. it's not 8:30 or 9 and we're still trying to get kids down. But we are very much ⁓ still our higher energy of the evening, ⁓ knowing when kids are in bed by eight, we still have an hour to an hour and a half to ⁓ calm ourselves, to do our own thing, to connect. I think that's why I I get personally stressed at bedtime is it it's just starting and ending way too late. Okay. ⁓ let's give that a try ⁓ see how that goes. That may mean looking at our dinner time sets and ⁓ making sure we feel good about that. Yeah, because I do think that the dinner time has to end earlier in order for the kids to clean up the kitchen ⁓ and to transition into bedtime. Yeah. But we won't know till we try. So we're always gonna be trying and learning. So let's give this one a shot. Yeah. I think it's a a really good idea. Okay, so do we feel good about a couple ⁓ One being we're try starting the bedtime rhythm at 7 30. Again, I mean we're going to go back to that and being more intentional. And two ⁓ going back to ⁓ The idea of doing a group prayer story, maybe like a read, maybe it's ⁓ read aloud and prayer ⁓ a group, ⁓ is very nice. And maybe even to make it less stressful, we lay down Darla before we do group prayer and group reading. ⁓ Darla's at this point, she's our baby. ⁓ already just going ballistic because she's so tired. I think that would make the group prayer in the group read aloud much smoother. That by the time we get kids settled, I mean, I think we're gonna be smooth sailing. Yeah, I think so too. Absolutely. Let's do that tonight and see how it goes. Great. Look at frustration ⁓ as the smoke. it's indicator of fire be. this week we want challenge you. To identify one area of recurring frustration. And we want you and your spouse, if you're married, to troubleshoot