Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / My Baby Might Be Jesus | Cole Garrett | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣🤣😁

Transcript

My Baby Might Be Jesus | Cole Garrett | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣🤣😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a bald guy.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, any other baldies here?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Sir, I can fucking see you, man.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: You're in the second row, dude.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just looking for some community up here.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's just me and this guy.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Also, that just didn't feel like enough people.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if you're a dude in here over the age of 30 with a hat on, fucking take it off, bro.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Let's see how brave you really are.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Look at me, I'm a hero.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: No, new things are happening, man.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: The other day a woman called me a bald king.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and at first I was like, oh, thank you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: And then I was like, wait, you know?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Have you guys realized that's just how women are getting away with saying mean shit now?
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: They're just putting king on the end?
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck is up with that, ladies?
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Out here, I see you do being like, oh, you, you're a short king.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: All these dumbass short guys are like, wow, me a king?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: She called you short, dipshit.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's not a good thing.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Never has been.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's why women are smarter, you know?
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: You guys are, because you can't just say a fucked up thing, then call a woman a queen, and then it's fine, you know?
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: I tried.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: The other day my wife mispronounced a word and I was like, well, illiterate queen.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And she was just like, fuck you, asshole.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, whoa, angry queen.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Needs to go to therapy, queen.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Crazy bitch.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: No, but my wife can read.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, she's been reading a lot lately.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's like her new favorite hobby.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: And she kind of took me by surprise because we we were never a reading couple.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's not something we did, you know?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: I thought our unspoken agreement was like, hey, you don't read, I don't read, we die idiots together, man, you know?
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: The books just came out of nowhere.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when your partner just starts doing some new shit, you know, you're just like, what?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, is this who you are now?
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like, books?
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: How is this gonna affect me?
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because she brings a book everywhere we go now.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: The plane, the book, car, book, family event, book, book, bub, pull, book, book, right?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: She's on the couch reading the other day, and I'm walking out the front door.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: She says, Have a great show, babe.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just gonna do a little bit of reading.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: I said, That's great.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: But quick question.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: What are you reading?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because I never thought to ask.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: She's just been quietly reading these books all the time with the book, obsessed with the books.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: I said, babe, can you just read me a paragraph you're on real quick?
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just curious what kind of knowledge you've been soaking up these days.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: And this is what the fuck she said.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: He settles himself between my legs, leaving his fingers inside me as his tongue meets my skin, separating me.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Oh separating me! Causing my back to arch in my mind to let go?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Are you fucking kidding me?
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yo, at 4 p.m.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: on a Tuesday on my fucking couch.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: The audacity of this woman, you know?
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh, I didn't know I was married to a lunatic, dude.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: My problem isn't that she's reading the books.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: My problem is how could she say some normal shit and then just go into reading that like she's not?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how could she be like, have a great show, babe?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, ooh, he separates me.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Ooh, he said, like what?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, babe, that's like if you were leaving for work and I just had my laptop open watching porn, like, have a good day at work, babe.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Tell your coworker Caitlin, I say hi, alright?
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: She has her birthday coming up, no?
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, ooh, he separates her.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was like, you brought that book to my Nana's house.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's what you were reading on Thanksgiving.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because then I pick up the book, the whole book is like this, dude.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Every single page is just separate me, separate me, separate me.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: There's never a point in this book where this poor woman is whole, you know?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's a book of separation, is what it is.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it's, I I, you know, I I think it's cool for her though.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: I support it, because uh, you know, she gets to do her hobby and be horny at the same time.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think a lot of us can say that about our hobbies, you know?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: I can't for sure.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: I got one boner now, I'm banned from the pickleball courts.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like last been happening in my life.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: We actually just found out a couple months ago that my wife is pregnant.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: And uh it's been a crazy past couple of months because we were actually living up in the Pacific Palisades for the last two years.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: And this is 100% true.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: We were living up in the Palisades about mid-December.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: We had a big leak in our apartment.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: There was water just everywhere, you know, and I was afraid because I thought we had mold.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: So uh, you know, I'm just concerned about the health of my future child and my wife.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: So we started looking for a new place immediately.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: We found a new place, I had to break my lease, and we officially moved out of our place as of Monday, January 6th, okay?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Less than 24 hours later, our old apartment burned to the ground.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't that fucking crazy?
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Feels like a miracle, right?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and it's a lot to process.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't know if I'm even ready to be a dad to the second coming of Jesus Christ himself.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, how am I not having baby Jesus, dude?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Uh is that not the most biblical shit you've ever heard in your life?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: There was a leak, a flood.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: I had to gather all the animals, my two rescue dogs from Mexico.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: There's a huge fire burning bush.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: I had to escape with my pregnant virgin wife.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: She swore, she said.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, I believe women, San Diego.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it is a boy, too, we know that.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's a boy, you know, so we're gonna name him Chris, you know, just in case, you know.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: As soon as I see that little bugger turn some breast milk into wine, we're slapping a T on the end, dude.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Nah, nah.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: But for real, um, my wife is Jewish though, you know, so uh as soon as she found out it might be Jesus, we got rid of it immediately.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we're not falling for that again.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Are you serious?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: I feel more anxiety this past year, you know?
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Bald and baby things, you know.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: But I always ask people what they do to deal with anxiety, you know?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: And the other day I told my friend I was having anxiety, and she said this.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, I can literally cure your anxiety.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: I have a secret.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: I said, please tell me.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, all you have to do is go to hot yoga.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I fucking went.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: I went to hot yoga, and I can report back.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: No! Are you crazy?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, I I if anything, the entire experience gave me more fucking anxiety.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Have you guys been to hot yoga?
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: I was ready to go.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Let's cure my anxiety, dude.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: I walk into this room, the first thing that hits me, the smell.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, what an absolute fart factory these fucking yoga places are, bro.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't even sure if there was a heating mechanism or that place wasn't just hotbox with vegan gas.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And then they just shut the door.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, we're in here for an hour.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: They light some incense.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, how about you open up a fucking window, man?
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: And then the yoga, it just fucking starts, dude.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: It just, they just start.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: There's no intro video, nothing.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Did you guys know?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta know how to do yoga before you fucking get there.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Otherwise, you just have to copy the fucking teacher.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like, whoa, it just it just starts.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: And then they start using crazy words.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Two minutes in, she goes, Alright, class, time for a chaturanga.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Bro, I have never heard the word chaturanga one time in the outside world.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, surely no one's gonna know.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: She says chaturanga, all of the 49 people just went, got it.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like, everybody knew chaturanga.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: I was the only one.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, because then you just gotta copy the fucking teacher, right?
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, okay, shit, I gotta do what she's doing, right?
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm locked in on this lady for 15 minutes.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: This class was called Yoga Flow.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'd never heard of this before, but she did this.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: She's in the front, and then she goes, Alright, class, time to flow.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then she left the fucking front.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, yo, get the fuck back up there, Jessica.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, man.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone started freestyling, doing their own shit.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: I panicked, bro.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: I did the first thing I could think of.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, fucking, I don't know, dude.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't fucking know.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Someone help me.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm hitting poses like an Australian breakdancer.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, this worked for someone recently.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Just running in a fucking circle, dude.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: I hit a fucking seated chair pose in a goddamn skedaddle, got the fuck out of there.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: I miss drugs, man.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: I miss them.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: I do.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: I miss drugs a lot.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Drugs are awesome, you know?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: I miss them.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: I uh I don't miss weed as much.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: I actually had to stop smoking weed before I stopped anything else.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because the weed, what happened, man?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: This shit got so strong so fast.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like, do you guys remember old weed?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, old weed was like silly, you remember?
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: You like smoke a little weed.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: You go to the store, you like get a bag of chips, you watch a movie.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: We used to giggle, man.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck happened?
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, I turned 25, I hit a joint one time, dark thoughts, dude.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Just questioning everything, just like, dude, am I a fucking loser?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, take this away.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck is in that, man?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like the last time I ever smoked weed, I did a dab.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Some drama in the room.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, if you don't know what dabs are, it's like a concentrated form of weed that doesn't need to exist, man.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't know I was doing that shit, because my buddy, he invited me over.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is what he said.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Let's smoke weed.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's what the fuck he said to me.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Let's smoke weed.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, hell yeah, dude, I love weed.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: I get to his house, first red flag.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: My buddy goes, hey man, you ready to smoke?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, let's do it.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, Alright, I'm gonna go grab all the stuff.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: All the stuff.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, last I checked, we needed fire and an apple.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck are you talking about?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, gotta grab my rig, my glass, my wand, and my torch.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: He came back with a commercial grade blowtorch.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you ready to smoke, big dub?
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, what the fuck is that for?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna weld us a bong?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: We haven't creme brulee?
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: What the?
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not doing torch weed, bro.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: And immediately he got so sad.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: He was just like, oh dude, come on, you know, and I was like, okay.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: You drive a hard bargain.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, you light it, bro.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'll just fucking suck.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: You do your thing, I'll do mine.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: So I just put my mouth down like I was like, is it working?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Give me an update, man.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I just blow out this enormous milky cloud of smoke, and I just turn and look at my buddy, who's the biggest stoner I've ever known in my entire life, says the worst thing you can hear out of a stoner's mouth.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: He just looks at me and goes, Oh, dude.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: That was a big hit, man.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, How big?
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, uh, that was supposed to be for both of us.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: You cleared it.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: You cleared it.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: I was just like, uh, just immediate panic.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: We all know that moment.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Just based off of the amount of smoke in the air and that little tickle in your throat, you're like, yep, the next four hours of my life are fucked.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because I just started walking towards the door, bro.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: I did not say goodbye.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Kind of forgot how to walk a little bit, just trotting like a Clydesdale.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: My buddy behind me, the last thing I heard was, Wanna watch Hot Tub Time Machine.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then just I walked out the front door.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then I got into my car, right?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: I drove home and I was like, the thing I don't like about the weed now is it's so fucking strong, it makes you think about things you don't want to remember.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because I was driving home, I remembered something I hadn't thought about in so long.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: I was driving home and I was like, oh my god, remember that one time you were 17, you had just started working at a restaurant, and a whole table of 12 people all ordered soup.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then when you brought the soup to the table, you put it down and said, soup, there it is.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: And they didn't say anything! That was such a good pun, man! Fuck those people! And I just don't want to remember that shit, you know what I mean?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I guess it's fucking hot yoga for me.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, thank you guys so much.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you guys