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Getting-Past-the-Guilt-of-Your-Past · INSIGHT FOR LIVING: Biblical Wisdom For Everyday Living

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Speaker 1: By the time this meeting is over, you will know
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Speaker 1: Cynthia and me a lot better. And I would say
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Speaker 1: that is especially true of knowing her a lot better.
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Speaker 1: This is no doubt the most serious of our meetings,
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Speaker 1: and I would ask for your attention throughout the time
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Speaker 1: we speak today. I believe, in a very real sense,
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Speaker 1: God has some things to say to each one of
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Speaker 1: us that will never be forgotten. But it will be
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Speaker 1: remembered only as well as you pay close attention to
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Speaker 1: everything that's said. Not even a cruise can erase bad memories.
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Speaker 1: We may be hundreds of miles from home, in some
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Speaker 1: cases thousands of miles from home. We may be on
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Speaker 1: what you would call a vacation of a lifetime. We
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Speaker 1: have all been enjoying beautiful scenery and perhaps once in
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Speaker 1: a lifetime, settings that we will never forget, but we
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Speaker 1: cannot escape the haunting reality that we have blown it
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Speaker 1: Somewhere along the way, as a child, as a teenager,
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Speaker 1: as a spouse, as a parent, as a boss, as
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Speaker 1: a friend, in some relationship. Along the way, we have
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Speaker 1: done or we have said some things that should never
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Speaker 1: have happened, and in unguarded moments, we return there. Even
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Speaker 1: if they are forgiven by our heavenly father. We go
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Speaker 1: back there. They are like emotional anchors that have been dropped,
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Speaker 1: and we cannot seem to pull them back into our boat.
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Speaker 1: They're there, and not even hearing how things were meant
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Speaker 1: to be, relieves the guilt and the shame of how
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Speaker 1: things were. Every one of us has the same two
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Speaker 1: things in common. First, every one of us has done
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Speaker 1: wrongful things to other people. Things that should never have
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Speaker 1: been done are said, and second, hurtful things have been
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Speaker 1: done to us. We all have both in common. This
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Speaker 1: is certainly not meant to increase your guilt or intensify
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Speaker 1: your shame. Some of you would say it's not possible
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Speaker 1: to do that. I live under the weight of it all,
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Speaker 1: and I returned there rather regularly. Four months after nine
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Speaker 1: to eleven, Peggy Noonan, one of my favorite writers who
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Speaker 1: was a speech writer for Ronald Reagan and continues to
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Speaker 1: be an opinion writer in the Wall Street Journal, released
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Speaker 1: a piece that I've made a copy of, and on
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Speaker 1: occasion we'll return to it and read it quietly in
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Speaker 1: my study, and occasionally before various gatherings such as this one. Today,
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Speaker 1: it seems appropriate Noonan writes, there's a small but telling
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Speaker 1: scene in Ridley Scott's Blackhawk Down that contains some dialogue
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Speaker 1: that reverberates at least from me. The movie As You
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Speaker 1: Know is about the Battle of the Bakarta Market in Mogadishu, Somalia,
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Speaker 1: in October nineteen ninety three. In the scene in the movie,
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Speaker 1: actor Tom Sizemore, playing your basic tough guy US Army
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Speaker 1: ranger colonel is in charge of a small convoy of
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Speaker 1: humvies trying to make its way back to base under
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Speaker 1: heavy gun and rocket fire. The colonel stops the convoy,
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Speaker 1: takes in some wounded tears, a dead driver out of
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Speaker 1: a driver's seat in a jeep, and barks at a
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Speaker 1: bleeding sergeant who's standing in shock nearby. The colonel says,
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Speaker 1: get in the truck and drive. Sergeant response, but I'm shot, Colonel,
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Speaker 1: I'm shot. Everybody's been shot. Dead end and drive. Noonan
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Speaker 1: returns to her narrative. Everybody's shot. Those are great metaphoric words,
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Speaker 1: she continues, What does that mean? It means something we
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Speaker 1: used to know. It means everyone has it hard, everyone
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Speaker 1: takes hits, everyone gets tagged. Life isn't easy for anyone.
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Speaker 1: I turn on my morning television and I see Rosie
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Speaker 1: O'Donnell referring again to the fact that her mother died
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Speaker 1: when she was young. This, of course, is very sad,
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Speaker 1: and Rosie has spoken of its sadness often and with
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Speaker 1: a great push of self regard. Her sympathy for her
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Speaker 1: loss made me think the other day, she doesn't really
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Speaker 1: know that other people lost their mothers when they were young.
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Speaker 1: She doesn't really know that some people never even had mothers.
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Speaker 1: She doesn't know everybody's been shocked. I put on HBO
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Speaker 1: and I see their new Young Poets show Young Poets. Well,
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Speaker 1: they say they're poets. I guess they're more like performance artists.
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Speaker 1: They come on sort of strut around a stage and yell,
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Speaker 1: and the more authentic their anger seems, the more the
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Speaker 1: audience applauds and hoots. These poets seem attached to their
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Speaker 1: separateness and in love with their grievance. I am one
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Speaker 1: angry Lebanese lesbian shouts one. I am one angry New
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Speaker 1: Yorkian mother, love and whatever. They pour out their pain
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Speaker 1: on the stage, but they don't actually seem to be
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Speaker 1: in pain. They all look like they went to brown
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Speaker 1: and hang out downtown and have invested fully and happily
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Speaker 1: in the misery industrial complex. Look like they want an agent.
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Speaker 1: They're not old enough or in spite of brown bright
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Speaker 1: enough to know everybody's been shot. A young friend of
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Speaker 1: a friend is still so depressed by September eleventh that
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Speaker 1: school and social life and going to a show or
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Speaker 1: now out of the question. I'm staying home. I'm hurting.
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Speaker 1: I know, I said a few days ago when we talked,
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Speaker 1: But everyone's hurting. Then I thought of Tom size Moore.
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Speaker 1: Everybody's been shot. You got to get in and drive anyway.
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Speaker 2: Today.
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Speaker 1: I want to acknowledge that I've been shot, and on
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Speaker 1: your behalf, I will acknowledge that you've been shot. We've
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Speaker 1: all been shot. We're all driving while bleeding. Life doesn't
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Speaker 1: stop while our wounds get bathed. We keep driving. We
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Speaker 1: go on as the wounds ooze not only blood, but
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Speaker 1: sometimes pusts, and they sometimes give us fever. We've all
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Speaker 1: been shot. Today. I have in mind two groups of people,
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Speaker 1: and they will cover everyone in our group, all who
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Speaker 1: have been shot, and all of us who have shot others, everybody.
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Speaker 1: I'll start at ground zero, and I'll give my few
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Speaker 1: minutes time, and then Cynthia will fill it in with
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Speaker 1: an illustration from her own life that will help drive
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Speaker 1: home the point. First of all, let me state the
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Speaker 1: most basic of all theological truths. We are all sinners.
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Speaker 1: We are all imperfect, all have and come short of
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Speaker 1: the standard or the glory of God Romans three twenty three.
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Speaker 1: All a l every person here, speaker included is imperfect.
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Speaker 1: We are imperfect, and we give birth to kids that
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Speaker 1: are imperfect. They grow up to be imperfect young adults.
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Speaker 1: Many of them marry, they have children, and their children,
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Speaker 1: our grandchildren are imperfect. They become older and older sinners,
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Speaker 1: increasingly more imperfect, and they continue the process. It goes
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Speaker 1: right on. We were reared imperfectly. Our homes were imperfect.
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Speaker 1: Our background is a background marked by scars and wounds,
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Speaker 1: and disappointments and failures and imperfections and downright ugly sins,
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Speaker 1: in some cases, abuse and neglect. We've all been shot,
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Speaker 1: and in some cases, even in this group, we have
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Speaker 1: shot others in such a way that they are wounded
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Speaker 1: and scarred and bruised, and they carry with them those
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Speaker 1: scars and wounds and bruises. Because of us, we have
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Speaker 1: hurt them deeply. Second factor, we cannot change the past.
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Speaker 1: It won't go away. We can't enter fantasy island and
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Speaker 1: have all of that erased, so that now we go
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Speaker 1: from here on looking back on just a beautiful setting.
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Speaker 1: That's just idyllic. We cannot change the past, and might
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Speaker 1: add we should never make light of that. We should
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Speaker 1: never discount that. Maybe in your past you have a long,
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Speaker 1: long history of a bad temper, and your temper has
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Speaker 1: distanced your family from you. Perhaps a few of your
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Speaker 1: children have written you off because of your ugly temper.
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Speaker 1: Paul Selhammer, before we came on the trip, sent me
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Speaker 1: a quote from a man named Richard. He writes, I
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Speaker 1: know that some people excuse their bad temper by saying, sure,
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Speaker 1: I lose my temper a lot, but it's all over
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Speaker 1: in a few minutes. Well, so is a nuclear bomb.
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Speaker 1: A great deal of damage can be done in a
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Speaker 1: very short time. Even small temper bombs can leave behind
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Speaker 1: a lot of hurt, especially when they explode on a
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Speaker 1: regular basis. Who it's hard to remember that, but some
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Speaker 1: of us remember that. We've we've got a lot of
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Speaker 1: anger that's never been resolved, and our family has suffered
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Speaker 1: because of it, we're all imperfect. Second, we cannot change
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Speaker 1: the past. It's set, it's there, and we dare not
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Speaker 1: make light of that, which is a part of my
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Speaker 1: talk and Cynthia's words this afternoon. The third thing I
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Speaker 1: want to say is going to be a little hard
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Speaker 1: to swallow, but swallow it. Each one of us is
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Speaker 1: responsible for his or her own wrongs. Your wrongdoing was
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Speaker 1: done by you, not forced by another. You and I
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Speaker 1: are responsible for our own wrongs. We are therefore responsible
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Speaker 1: for recovering from it. And may I add, we dare
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Speaker 1: not blame that on anyone else. Back in the days
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Speaker 1: of the folk songs of the sixties, Anna Russell wrote
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Speaker 1: a peace I'll never forget. I went to my psychiatrist
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Speaker 1: to be psychoanalyzed to find out why I killed the
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Speaker 1: cat and black my husband's eyes. He laid me on
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Speaker 1: a downy couch to see what he could find, and
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Speaker 1: this is what he dredged up from my subconscious mind.
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Speaker 1: When I was one, my mommy hid my Dolly in
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Speaker 1: the trunk, So it follows naturally I'm always drunk. When
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Speaker 1: I was two, I saw my father kiss the maid
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Speaker 1: one day, and that's why I suffer now from kleptominie.
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Speaker 1: When I was three, I felt ambivalence towards my brothers,
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Speaker 1: So it follows naturally I poisoned all my lovers. Now
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Speaker 1: I'm happy now that I've learned the lesson. This is
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Speaker 1: taught that everything I do that's wrong is someone else's fault.
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Speaker 1: There's a great Greek word for that song, hogwash nonsense.
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Speaker 1: Everything I do that's wrong is my fault. It is
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Speaker 1: not my mother's fault. It is not my father's fault.
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Speaker 1: It is not my brother or sister's fault. It's not
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Speaker 1: some other staff member's fault. It's my fault. It's no
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Speaker 1: other family member's fault. It's my fault. If it's wrong
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Speaker 1: that I've done, I've done it. I need to take responsibility.
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Speaker 1: So recovering from the wrongdoing is just as much my responsibility,
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Speaker 1: and I dare not pass that responsibility off on someone else,
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Speaker 1: hoping they'll make it right so that I can then
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Speaker 1: in turn follow suit. The fourth thing I will say
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Speaker 1: as I close my simple remarks and turned to Isaiah
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Speaker 1: with you, You and I are not responsible for the other person'sngdoings.
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Speaker 1: Other people have done some awfully bad things to us,
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Speaker 1: we're not responsible for that. Their wrongdoing has been done
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Speaker 1: by them. Wrong is never excused, nor should it be
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Speaker 1: passed off to someone else who didn't do it. I
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Speaker 1: love the scene out of Goodwill Hunting where Robin Williams
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Speaker 1: plays the part of a psychiatrist, one of his unusual
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Speaker 1: serious roles. Remember, he has this young man who can't
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Speaker 1: get past his past, and he backs them into a
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Speaker 1: corner with the same words, it's not your fault, it's
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Speaker 1: not your fault. It's not your fault, it's not your fault,
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Speaker 1: it's not your fault. He must have said it a
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Speaker 1: dozen times, and the boy, finally, with tears running out
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Speaker 1: of his eyes, gets it. It's a great moment there,
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Speaker 1: and every time I watch that scene as a chill
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Speaker 1: that kind of goes up my back. Now, all this
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Speaker 1: is a background to a few comments I want to
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Speaker 1: make out of Isaiah fifty eight. Will you turn there, please?
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Speaker 1: Hope you've got a Bible. Isaiah fifty eight. These are
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Speaker 1: words given by God to a prophet who had a
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Speaker 1: tough job to do. The prophet is obviously Isaiah. The
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Speaker 1: people to whom he's ministers are the people of Judah,
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Speaker 1: the nation of Judah, and he tells the prophet in
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Speaker 1: the very first verse of Isaiah fifty eight, cry loudly,
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Speaker 1: do not hold back, raise your voice like a trumpet,
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Speaker 1: and declare to my people their transgression. And then, in
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Speaker 1: good Hebrew meter it repeats it to amplify it or
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Speaker 1: to drive it home to the house of Jacob, declare
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Speaker 1: their sins. Don't hold back, Isaiah, say it straight, call
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Speaker 1: a spade a spade, tell them the truth. Then he
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Speaker 1: describes their failure as a nation, the things they have
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Speaker 1: failed to do, and to cover up for it, which
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Speaker 1: were often want to do when we've done wrong. They
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Speaker 1: went through religious motions, they were involved in fasting. It
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Speaker 1: was an empty exercise in futility. They said righteous words,
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Speaker 1: they attended temple meetings, They went through all the religious motions,
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Speaker 1: and he says, in verse after verse after verse, none
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Speaker 1: of that covers it over, none of it. In fact,
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Speaker 1: when you get down to verse four, he says, behold,
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Speaker 1: as Isaiah's giving them this message, you fast for contention
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Speaker 1: and strife and to strike with a wicked fist. You
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Speaker 1: do not fast like you do today to make your
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Speaker 1: voice heard on high. It's just another religious exercise. And
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Speaker 1: so he's reproving them. He's rebuking them for the emptiness
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Speaker 1: of their religious exercise. Is this the fast which I
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Speaker 1: choose for you for a man to humble himself? Verse
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Speaker 1: five continues. Is it for bowing one's head like a
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Speaker 1: reed and for spreading out sackcloth and ashes as a
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Speaker 1: bed ancient colloquialism, for expressing spiritual bankruptcy? Ashes and sackcloth.
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Speaker 1: There's all and evidence of like a dog will do
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Speaker 1: burying your belly. I am wrong, I have failed, I
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Speaker 1: have sinned, and I acknowledge it before my God. The
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Speaker 1: kind of fast you're doing is not that it doesn't
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Speaker 1: make you bow your head. Now look at verse six.
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Speaker 1: Is this not the fast which I choose? Here's the
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Speaker 1: right kind of fast to loosen the bonds of wickedness,
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Speaker 1: to undo the bands of the yoke, and to let
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Speaker 1: the oppressed go free and break every yoke. Is it
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Speaker 1: not to divide your bread the hungry and bring the
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Speaker 1: homeless poor into the house when you'd see the naked
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Speaker 1: tocover him, and not hide yourself from your own flesh.
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Speaker 1: I fully realized that the initial interpretation is meant for
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Speaker 1: the nation Judah. I'm applying it for us today. So
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Speaker 1: let me give you the first of five comments here.
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Speaker 1: I'd like you to write them down. We'll return to
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Speaker 1: them later. The first of five verses seven and eight.
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Speaker 1: Humble yourself. When you want to come to terms with
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Speaker 1: the guilt and shame of your past, the things that
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Speaker 1: you have done that have hurt others, the wrongdoing that
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Speaker 1: you have brought in others' lives, you begin by humbling
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Speaker 1: yourself Verses six and seven. Don't hide yourself from your
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Speaker 1: own flesh. It may be a family member, let's call
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Speaker 1: that your own flesh. It may be your mother, father,
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Speaker 1: It may be a sibling. It may be an aunt
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Speaker 1: or uncle. It may be a mother or father in law,
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Speaker 1: some distant relative, someone of your own flesh. Don't hide
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Speaker 1: yourself and act like it didn't go on or you
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Speaker 1: didn't do it. Humble yourself verse nine. Then you will
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Speaker 1: call and the Lord will answer. You will cry, and
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Speaker 1: I will say here I am pray. That's the next point.
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Speaker 1: Humble yourself verses seven and eight. Pray verse nine. Call
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Speaker 1: and cry out to the Lord and I will hear.
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Speaker 1: Look at the third right there in the middle of
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Speaker 1: verse nine. If you remove the yoke from your midst
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Speaker 1: look at the blame. If you remove the pointing of
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Speaker 1: the finger and speaking wickedness, feel the blame in that.
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Speaker 1: If you give yourself to the hungry and satisfy the
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Speaker 1: desire of the afflicted, then your light will rise in
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Speaker 1: darkness and your gloom will become like midday. Third will
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Speaker 1: write down, remove the yoke. It's the idea of taking
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Speaker 1: away the irksome attitude, the binding offense, remove the yoke.
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Speaker 1: That's exactly what the text reads verse nine. If you
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Speaker 1: remove the yoke, if you give yourself to the hungry,
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Speaker 1: these are conditional issues. Then look at the promise. Your
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Speaker 1: light will rise in darkness, your gloom will become like midday.
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Speaker 1: I would paraphrase that the Lord God will relieve you
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Speaker 1: of the grip of guilt. He will lift you out
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Speaker 1: of the shadow of shame. That, to me is what
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Speaker 1: the last part of verse ten is saying. When you
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Speaker 1: remove the yoke, beginning at verse ten down through verse eleven,
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Speaker 1: here's the fourth Make yourself available and vulnerable to the
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Speaker 1: person you've offended. Make yourself available and vulnerable to the
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Speaker 1: one you have offended. Verses ten and eleven. Your light
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Speaker 1: will shine, your gloom will be removed, and the Lord
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Speaker 1: will continually guide you and satisfy your desire in scorched places,
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Speaker 1: and give strength to your bones, and you will be
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Speaker 1: like a water garden, like a spring of water whose
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Speaker 1: waters do not fail. These are all words of wonderful relief,
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Speaker 1: magnificent wonderful relief from guilt and removal of shame. Life
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Speaker 1: is certainly not meant to be lived under either one.
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Speaker 1: And the grace of God provides us with an abundance
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Speaker 1: of reminders that he wants the guilt and the shame removed.
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Speaker 1: This is the process we go through to get it removed.
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Speaker 1: It isn't automatic. We're involved in the process. And fifth,
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Speaker 1: finally in our list, trust God to bring changes. That's
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Speaker 1: in verse twelve. Those from among you will rebuild the
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Speaker 1: ancient ruins. You will raise up the age old foundations.
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Speaker 1: You will be called the repairer of the breach, the
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Speaker 1: restorer of the streets in which to dwell. You know
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Speaker 1: what will happen. There will come about a change in
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Speaker 1: the one who has been offended, and there will be
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Speaker 1: a difference in how that person views you from then on.
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Speaker 1: That's part of the removal of the shame and the guilt. Now, Honey,
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Speaker 1: I've asked Cynthia to tell you her story, which is
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Speaker 1: a segment from her life, and I appreciate your prayers
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Speaker 1: for her as she speaks today about a very deeply
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Speaker 1: emotional part of her life. Thanks for doing this, honey.
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Speaker 3: Before I get into my story of forgiveness, I want
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Speaker 3: to give you a few brush strokes of our lives
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Speaker 3: as a context for relating a very meaningful experience in
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Speaker 3: nineteen seventy one. In the fall of nineteen fifty nine,
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Speaker 3: after four years of marriage, Chuck entered Dallas Theological Seminary. Now,
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Speaker 3: as every student knows, there is a whole course of
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Speaker 3: study throughout your time in seminary that is not included
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Speaker 3: in the printed curriculum, as.
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Speaker 2: The Lord strategically.
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Speaker 3: Designs lesson plans regarding his particular strategy for your future ministry.
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Speaker 3: So two years into our studies at Dallas Seminary, we
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Speaker 3: began to have some very painful experiences. First, we learned
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Speaker 3: that my mom had breast cancer and the physicians gave
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Speaker 3: her about three years to live. She was in her
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Speaker 3: early forties and my very dearest, dearest friend from her
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Speaker 3: earliest childhood. She had loved the Lord and his Word
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Speaker 3: with her whole heart, and daily she had taught me
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Speaker 3: the principles of his word and how they applied to
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Speaker 3: whatever we were going through, and in particular she compared
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Speaker 3: the stories of the children of Israel. Throughout my teenage years,
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Speaker 3: we had spent hundreds of hours talking about these things.
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Speaker 3: In our fourth year in Seminary, when our first child, Kurt,
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Speaker 3: was a toddler, we lost a baby girl when I
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Speaker 3: was five and a half months pregnant. The cord had
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Speaker 3: wrapped around her little neck, which had caused her death.
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Speaker 3: Following the loss, the physician gave me some demarol for pain.
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Speaker 3: That gave me the worst migraine I had ever had,
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Speaker 3: So the physician gave me more demarol, which increased the pain.
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Speaker 3: Back then, they did not acknowledge adverse reactions to medications
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Speaker 3: the way we do now, and it would be some
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Speaker 3: fourteen years later that we would learn that demarol, along
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Speaker 3: with most medications, trigger migrain in me.
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Speaker 2: But back then we were in the dark.
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Speaker 3: That darkness became most significant when my obg y N
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Speaker 3: called in another physician, a young atheist internist, who said
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Speaker 3: that I was having this kind of head pain because
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Speaker 3: I felt I had caused the death of our baby.
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Speaker 3: That was horrifying to us. How could that possibly be?
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Speaker 3: But how could we dispute the diagnosis of a professional
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Speaker 3: quote unquote? That one conference became a turning point, a
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Speaker 3: huge negative turning point in our lives. I again became pregnant,
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Speaker 3: and six weeks into that pregnancy, we were in Houston
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Speaker 3: visiting my folks for the Christmas holidays, which was the
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Speaker 3: last time I would see my mother alive. We were
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Speaker 3: in a terrible car accident, hit by a drunk on
26:58
Speaker 3: the way to my parents home from church. Kurt's jaw
27:02
Speaker 3: was broken and I began to hemorrhage, a problem I
27:06
Speaker 3: would have throughout the pregnancy, which resulted in my having
27:10
Speaker 3: to be in bed most of the time, laying flat
27:13
Speaker 3: on my back with a toddler all over the place
27:17
Speaker 3: with a broken jaw. By now, I'm seeing a psychiatrist, who,
27:21
Speaker 3: along with the original doctor, told me that the depression
27:25
Speaker 3: I was in was the result of my feeling that
27:28
Speaker 3: I had caused the death of my second child and
27:31
Speaker 3: that I was now trying to abort this one. Nothing
27:36
Speaker 3: could have been further from the truth. But how could
27:40
Speaker 3: we dispute the professionals to summarize their ungodly counsel every word,
27:46
Speaker 3: every dream, every experience with another person, for as far
27:51
Speaker 3: back as I could remember, became like twisted metal in
27:55
Speaker 3: the midst of a tornado, enveloped with definitions and meanings
28:00
Speaker 3: that had little resemblance to the simple Bible believing realities
28:05
Speaker 3: I thought I knew. Emotionally, I spiraled downward into an
28:10
Speaker 3: abyss of depression. But because this was in North Dallas
28:15
Speaker 3: in nineteen sixty three, we felt we had to keep
28:18
Speaker 3: my emotional struggles a secret, which we did, and we
28:23
Speaker 3: sought the counsel of unbelievers. This was a very significant,
28:28
Speaker 3: unwise decision. One counselor was an atheist. A second therapist
28:35
Speaker 3: said he was a believer, but his approaching counseling was
28:38
Speaker 3: very fraudian, and he strongly believed in medicating his patients,
28:43
Speaker 3: which he did to me immediately after the birth of
28:47
Speaker 3: our second child, a perfect little girl whom we named Carisa,
28:53
Speaker 3: which in the Greek means grace. Some years later he
28:57
Speaker 3: would even overdose himself. Also, some years later, we would
29:02
Speaker 3: learn that justice with demarole, pain medications, tranquilizers, and most
29:09
Speaker 3: other medications, along with many foods, have an adverse effect
29:15
Speaker 3: on my body, which triggers severe migrain. The medications, along
29:20
Speaker 3: with the unwise counselors, created a very deep pit of
29:24
Speaker 3: depression as I continued to struggle with their counsel The
29:29
Speaker 3: Psalmist describes, as seen in Psalm Wan as walking in
29:32
Speaker 3: the council of the wicked, standing in the path of sinners,
29:36
Speaker 3: and sitting in the seat of scoffers, with the result
29:40
Speaker 3: that one takes up the way of the transgressor. And
29:44
Speaker 3: even though I did delight in the law of the Lord,
29:47
Speaker 3: I had chosen by my actions to become absorbed with
29:52
Speaker 3: the counsel of the wicked. I desperately wanted peace and relief.
29:57
Speaker 3: I was encouraged to get very angry and to blame
30:00
Speaker 3: others for whatever it was that caused any measure of turmoil.
30:06
Speaker 3: Someone's words and actions were like feathers in the wind,
30:10
Speaker 3: like chaff around which I would build character tours with
30:14
Speaker 3: whom I would go to war, my dad, Chuck, Chuck's parents, anyone.
30:23
Speaker 3: The medications given to me for depression had the opposite
30:26
Speaker 3: effect and led to attempts at suicide. Once I was
30:31
Speaker 3: in a coma for three days. This abyss lasted for
30:35
Speaker 3: five years. We continued to keep it unknown to the
30:39
Speaker 3: churches we served. While Chuck was the associate pastor at
30:43
Speaker 3: Grace Bible Church and the senior pastor of a church
30:46
Speaker 3: in New England and Boston, I again sought counseling, again
30:51
Speaker 3: from the ungodly, who continued to encourage me to get
30:56
Speaker 3: angry and to express those emotions. When Chuck was called
31:01
Speaker 3: to Irving Bible Church in nineteen sixty seven, I made
31:05
Speaker 3: a decision, probably the most important decision of my life.
31:09
Speaker 3: It was a move, a new beginning, a new church
31:14
Speaker 3: and new friends. Five years of ungodly counseling had not
31:18
Speaker 3: yielded any peace. So I absolutely refused to go to
31:22
Speaker 3: another counselor, and I refused to take any more medications.
31:27
Speaker 3: I would take a whole new approach in order to
31:31
Speaker 3: get a handle on the depression. I would return to
31:34
Speaker 3: the roots of wisdom my mother had taught me and
31:39
Speaker 3: the wise counsel of some of Chuck's seminary professors. In
31:43
Speaker 3: John eight, verses thirty one through thirty two, Jesus spoke
31:47
Speaker 3: these words to new believers in Him who were living
31:51
Speaker 3: and walking in the way of the ungodly Jesus therefore
31:55
Speaker 3: was saying to those Jews who had believed him, if
31:59
Speaker 3: you abide in my word, than you are truly disciples
32:02
Speaker 3: of mine, and you shall know the truth, and the
32:06
Speaker 3: truth shall make you free. I came to realize that
32:09
Speaker 3: the death of our baby was not my fault, and
32:14
Speaker 3: the depression was the result of medications that had led
32:18
Speaker 3: to the spiral downward, along with the unwise, ungodly.
32:26
Speaker 2: Counsel of free therapists.
32:29
Speaker 3: Not knowing any of this background, we developed a very
32:32
Speaker 3: close friendship in Irving with a couple who encouraged me
32:36
Speaker 3: to read a new book by William Glasser titled Reality Therapy.
32:41
Speaker 3: Even though it is not a Christian book, doctor Glasser
32:44
Speaker 3: had formulated, probably unknown to him, some very Christian principles
32:49
Speaker 3: in some of his theories. I compared every principle with
32:54
Speaker 3: God's word and it was and it was exactly what
32:57
Speaker 3: I needed for the turnaround. Glasser had thrown out the
33:01
Speaker 3: therapies used during that error and basically said, you're not
33:07
Speaker 3: irresponsible because you're sick. You're sick because you're irresponsible. Let
33:13
Speaker 3: me say that again. You're not irresponsible because you're sick.
33:17
Speaker 3: You're sick because you're irresponsible. In other words, you need
33:21
Speaker 3: to learn to take full responsibility for your thoughts and
33:26
Speaker 3: your actions.
33:28
Speaker 2: Don't blame anyone else.
33:31
Speaker 3: Another principle that I absorbed is found in Ephesians four
33:35
Speaker 3: twenty six through twenty seven, which says, be angry, and
33:39
Speaker 3: yet do not sin. Do not let the sun go
33:43
Speaker 3: down on your anger, and do not give the devil
33:45
Speaker 3: an opportunity. Simple, but very wise counsel. If you get
33:51
Speaker 3: very angry, you are allowing the devil to have a
33:54
Speaker 3: place in your life. So I begin to act responsibly
33:59
Speaker 3: for ever, every thought and for every action. Acting responsibly
34:05
Speaker 3: became the stair steps for my climb out of the pit.
34:09
Speaker 3: I want to repeat that acting responsibly became the stair
34:14
Speaker 3: steps for my climb out of the pit, no matter what, when, why?
34:21
Speaker 2: Are ware?
34:22
Speaker 3: I would own every thought and every action, and I
34:26
Speaker 3: would take full responsibility.
34:28
Speaker 2: For whatever I owned.
34:31
Speaker 3: This friendship led to my becoming involved in a very
34:34
Speaker 3: interesting Bible study class for women in North Dallas led
34:39
Speaker 3: by a woman named Susan. Susan intensely wanted to know
34:44
Speaker 3: what the Bible had to say about our roles as wives,
34:47
Speaker 3: and mothers about the home. We talked extensively about Isaiah
34:53
Speaker 3: fifty eight, which translated into today's language, is the story
34:58
Speaker 3: of the spiritual journal of the children of Israel during
35:02
Speaker 3: a time when they felt they were doing everything right.
35:07
Speaker 3: Yet they felt God did not see them or listen
35:11
Speaker 3: to them, and he was not answering their petitions when
35:15
Speaker 3: they fasted. God then tells them through the pen of
35:20
Speaker 3: Isaiah that their fast were for their own desires, as
35:24
Speaker 3: revealed by the way they were living. They were mistreating
35:28
Speaker 3: their employees, they were contentious, and their lives were filled
35:34
Speaker 3: with strife. This sounded like my biography. Then Isaiah, in
35:40
Speaker 3: this great fifty eighth chapter, communicates the fast that God chooses.
35:46
Speaker 3: Within that list were some statements that had a profound
35:50
Speaker 3: influence on me. God's fast was to loosen the bonds
35:55
Speaker 3: of wickedness, to feed the poor, to take the homeless
36:00
Speaker 3: into their homes, to undo the bands of the yolk.
36:06
Speaker 3: We talked a lot about how we YopE people, how
36:09
Speaker 3: we oppress them, and then the passage goes on to say,
36:13
Speaker 3: at the end of verse seven, we are not to
36:16
Speaker 3: hide ourselves from our own flesh. Let me say that again,
36:22
Speaker 3: we are not to hide ourselves from our own flesh.
36:28
Speaker 2: It all hit me like a ton of bricks.
36:31
Speaker 3: We were in the ministry ministering to the masses, while
36:34
Speaker 3: in the words of Isaiah, we were pointing the finger
36:38
Speaker 3: blaming others. Isaiah later says that if you choose the
36:42
Speaker 3: fast the Lord has chosen, then your recovery will speedily
36:48
Speaker 3: bring forth, and you will become known as the repair
36:53
Speaker 3: of the preach, the restore of the streets in which
36:58
Speaker 3: to dwell. What a neighborhood that would represent. It was
37:03
Speaker 3: also during this time that Chuck prepared a study of
37:06
Speaker 3: Matthew eighteen, and we were all struck with the whole
37:10
Speaker 3: concept of the Lord's turning us over to the torturers
37:15
Speaker 3: if we do not forgive our brothers from our heart.
37:20
Speaker 3: I asked the question, did this pit of depression, this
37:26
Speaker 3: abyss represent my having been turned over by the Lord
37:31
Speaker 3: to the torturers?
37:34
Speaker 2: We honestly believed it did.
37:38
Speaker 3: Chuck and I spent hours talking about forgiveness and its
37:41
Speaker 3: application in our own lives. I thought about how I
37:46
Speaker 3: had recreated people during the therapy sessions, mostly our relatives,
37:52
Speaker 3: with character traits that oftentimes had little resemblance to the
37:56
Speaker 3: people they really were. Their words in action were like feathers,
38:01
Speaker 3: like chaff in the wind, around which I would create
38:06
Speaker 3: all kinds of caricatures. Just what I had learned from
38:11
Speaker 3: the therapist was being re enacted in my own experiences.
38:16
Speaker 3: Individuals relatives would say or do one thing, and I
38:21
Speaker 3: would give it a totally different meaning to anything he
38:25
Speaker 3: or she probably had had.
38:27
Speaker 2: In their minds. I'm totally convinced of that. Now.
38:32
Speaker 3: I came to understand that I had unrealistic expectations of
38:37
Speaker 3: what most of these relationships should be. So I blamed
38:41
Speaker 3: others for things they did not do that I thought
38:45
Speaker 3: they should have done or should not have done. I
38:49
Speaker 3: had not taken ownership nor accepted responsibility for my own actions.
38:56
Speaker 3: This was so very important. Susan encouraged made to take
39:00
Speaker 3: out a stack of paper and record a different name
39:04
Speaker 3: on every sheet that represented someone with whom I had
39:08
Speaker 3: a conflict. I was to record what he or she
39:11
Speaker 3: had done to me that had brought pain, and everything
39:15
Speaker 3: I had ever done or said to them. And she
39:20
Speaker 3: wanted me to include the character traits of those individuals
39:24
Speaker 3: that could really be admired. That was hard because you
39:28
Speaker 3: often don't know what you have done or said that
39:32
Speaker 3: has hurt someone else. All you know is that you
39:35
Speaker 3: have an adversarial relationship, an uncomfortable feeling when you are
39:39
Speaker 3: around them. I also had to think through what represented
39:44
Speaker 3: the honest realities of those who do perpetrate evil against you,
39:49
Speaker 3: who do act badly toward you, and just exactly how we.
39:54
Speaker 2: Should respond to such behaviors.
39:57
Speaker 3: I absolutely know from our years ministry that there is
40:01
Speaker 3: a giant mixture of all of these realities, and the
40:05
Speaker 3: Bible is clear with hundreds of illustrations to help us
40:10
Speaker 3: in such situations. So the filter for my thoughts, and
40:15
Speaker 3: this is so very important, was Philippians four eight. Part
40:20
Speaker 3: of the verse reads, Finally, Brethren, whatever is true, whatever
40:26
Speaker 3: is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, dwell on
40:33
Speaker 3: these things. It was unacceptable to dwell on the characters
40:39
Speaker 3: I had created from the chaff in the wind within
40:42
Speaker 3: my own mind. I had to think on those things
40:46
Speaker 3: that were true and honest. I was then encouraged to
40:50
Speaker 3: bring all of these lists to the foot of the
40:52
Speaker 3: cross and in quietness before our Lord, to see every
40:56
Speaker 3: situation from the perspective of the one who had died
41:00
Speaker 3: on that cross. For all of these sins, both mine
41:05
Speaker 3: and the ones committed against me. What an awesome, awesome place.
41:12
Speaker 3: It is a holy place, and it totally changes your
41:16
Speaker 3: thinking regarding the whole dynamic of every relationship. I then
41:21
Speaker 3: needed to prepare my speech for each person, just as
41:24
Speaker 3: the prodigal son had done, and then prepare to go
41:27
Speaker 3: to them to ask their forgiveness, with no blame whatsoever
41:32
Speaker 3: for anything they had done. Our conversation would be solely
41:37
Speaker 3: for the purpose of asking them to forgive me, and
41:42
Speaker 3: the ones with the longest list were to be approached first.
41:47
Speaker 3: This I did, and the first person was my dad. Now,
41:52
Speaker 3: my dad was a very angry man. I hardly remember
41:55
Speaker 3: a day when he did not get angry about something,
41:59
Speaker 3: a trait he had learned from his mother. In the
42:02
Speaker 3: midst of an argument, he had tried to kill my
42:05
Speaker 3: mom one evening by choking her to death, and had
42:09
Speaker 3: only released his hands when she passed out.
42:13
Speaker 2: I had to forgive him of that.
42:16
Speaker 3: He had asked my mom for a divorce after a
42:19
Speaker 3: double mess stectomy when she was dying of cancer at
42:23
Speaker 3: the age of forty five. Why, I do not know,
42:27
Speaker 3: but I had to forgive him of that. My dad
42:31
Speaker 3: had unmercifully beaten my sister and once me when we
42:36
Speaker 3: were growing up. I had to forgive him of that.
42:41
Speaker 3: But none of these things were to be even mentioned,
42:44
Speaker 3: because they had all been left at the foot of
42:47
Speaker 3: the cross. This was not about his wrongs. It was
42:52
Speaker 3: about my wrongs. What I had done that was not
42:56
Speaker 3: right in our relationship. My dad had been a wonderful provider.
43:01
Speaker 3: Though we were very poor, we had never gone hungry.
43:05
Speaker 3: He had given me common sense in the midst of hardships,
43:09
Speaker 3: such as when he lost one hundred head of cattle
43:12
Speaker 3: due to a disease, and immediately after that our home
43:16
Speaker 3: had burned to the ground. He survived through diligence and
43:20
Speaker 3: very hard work. I so respected that he had learned
43:23
Speaker 3: to read and write after he and Mom married, and
43:27
Speaker 3: he had started a dry cleaning business on his own.
43:31
Speaker 3: He had many wonderful traits, and I desperately wanted to
43:35
Speaker 3: honor him for those and respect the good qualities of
43:39
Speaker 3: character he had passed on to me. His response was wonderful,
43:44
Speaker 3: and I told him how much I loved him. Next
43:48
Speaker 3: was my mother in law, now missus Swindahl and I
43:51
Speaker 3: had never gotten along very well from the very beginning
43:55
Speaker 3: of Chucks in my courtship, and we had married while
43:59
Speaker 3: we were we were barely eighteen and twenty. By now
44:04
Speaker 3: Chuck and I had been married fifteen years, so this
44:07
Speaker 3: war had gone on for a long time and had
44:11
Speaker 3: been reduced primarily to yeses and nose. She told us
44:15
Speaker 3: not to bring the children over to her home, as
44:18
Speaker 3: she was afraid they would break her hand painted china,
44:22
Speaker 3: which she had everywhere. She just did not like little kiddos,
44:27
Speaker 3: and rather than seeing this as an opportunity to teach
44:31
Speaker 3: our children how to behave when surrounded by glass, I
44:36
Speaker 3: took out the sword and blamed her for not wanting
44:39
Speaker 3: to have a relationship with our children. They would only
44:44
Speaker 3: invite Chuck out for lunch, not me or the children.
44:49
Speaker 3: Every encounter was uncomfortable, so I had to really pray
44:54
Speaker 3: a lot for the right timing. Remember that passage in
44:58
Speaker 3: is f fifty eight. We need to pray. I learned
45:01
Speaker 3: that not only should your heart be right, but sometimes
45:05
Speaker 3: their hearts have to be prepared to receive your words
45:10
Speaker 3: and your requests for forgiveness. However, we are responsible to
45:14
Speaker 3: go no matter what may be their response, but you
45:18
Speaker 3: need to be prepared. This preparation went on for weeks.
45:24
Speaker 3: One day, as I was preparing to teach a class
45:26
Speaker 3: with some seminary wives on how God is not finished
45:30
Speaker 3: with us yet, I got the idea of asking Missus
45:33
Speaker 3: Wendall if she would mind preparing a little unfinished oil
45:37
Speaker 3: painting of a shepherd with his sheep. She loved to
45:41
Speaker 3: paint and seemed delighted that I would ask her to
45:45
Speaker 3: do this. Now, I had been praying that the Lord
45:48
Speaker 3: would make it very clear when I was to ask
45:51
Speaker 3: her forgiveness. So when I opened the door to greet
45:55
Speaker 3: mister and Missus Wendall as they were delivering the unfinished painting,
46:00
Speaker 3: I was totally amazed at how warm she was toward me.
46:06
Speaker 3: I thought, as they entered the door to our small,
46:09
Speaker 3: narrow entryway, Oh my goodness, Oh my goodness, this is it.
46:15
Speaker 2: This is the time. Oh can I remember the speech?
46:19
Speaker 2: What is that speech? Oh?
46:21
Speaker 3: My goodness, this is it. They sat down on the sofa,
46:25
Speaker 3: and believe it or not, all four little ones were
46:27
Speaker 3: playing and being very good.
46:30
Speaker 2: I thought, okay, okay.
46:35
Speaker 3: My heart was pounding as I looked her straight in
46:38
Speaker 3: the eyes and told her how very sorry I was
46:42
Speaker 3: for not having loved her as I should have, for
46:46
Speaker 3: not having respected her as my husband's mom, for all
46:50
Speaker 3: the times I had taken issue with her for so
46:53
Speaker 3: many small things, most of which she never even knew
46:56
Speaker 3: about only Chuck knew, and for not having honored her
47:00
Speaker 3: as a scriptures say we should honor our parents. I
47:05
Speaker 3: then asked her to please forgive me, to which she
47:08
Speaker 3: warmly replied that she would. Then I told her that
47:12
Speaker 3: I loved her, and we embraced as we had never
47:15
Speaker 3: embraced before. I cannot tell you the relief brought by
47:21
Speaker 3: these two experiences with my dad and with my mother
47:25
Speaker 3: in law. On Sunday, we sat in church together and
47:28
Speaker 3: she told me how she had called all of the
47:30
Speaker 3: relatives the day before and told them what I had done.
47:35
Speaker 3: I thought, do I have a list for any of
47:39
Speaker 3: those relatives? I didn't, and we all rejoiced in our
47:46
Speaker 3: new relationship. I'm reminded of Proverbs twenty three fifteen through sixteen.
47:52
Speaker 3: My son, if your heart is wise, my own heart
47:55
Speaker 3: also will be glad, and my inmost being will rejoice
48:00
Speaker 3: when your lips speak what is right. For the first time.
48:07
Speaker 3: For the first time, from these experiences, I felt that
48:12
Speaker 3: the Lord had released me from the torturers. I had
48:17
Speaker 3: responsibly climbed out of the pit of depression, and I
48:22
Speaker 3: have not suffered from depression ever since. Our rejoicing was
48:27
Speaker 3: sweet all weekend. Three days later, on Tuesday afternoon, about
48:33
Speaker 3: the middle of the afternoon, Chuck's dad called him and
48:36
Speaker 3: asked if he could come over to their apartment. He said,
48:40
Speaker 3: I think your mom is gone. She told me she
48:44
Speaker 3: wasn't feeling well and thought she would just take a
48:47
Speaker 3: little nap.
48:48
Speaker 2: She's not waking up.
48:50
Speaker 3: There's no movement, and I think she is gone.
48:54
Speaker 2: She was gone.
48:56
Speaker 3: Our we of rejoicing had represented the orders for her
49:01
Speaker 3: banquet in heaven, dining with the Son of God. I
49:05
Speaker 3: had asked her forgiveness only three days before, which represented
49:11
Speaker 3: the last opportunity I would have to do the most
49:14
Speaker 3: important thing I would ever do with her. I have
49:18
Speaker 3: since come to realize that my foolishness for those fifteen
49:23
Speaker 3: or so years of marriage, the years the locusts had
49:26
Speaker 3: eaten in our relationship, had totally devoured every opportunity I
49:33
Speaker 3: would ever have to learn from the very one who
49:36
Speaker 3: had given birth to the person who would mean the
49:40
Speaker 3: most to me upon this earth. And now her death
49:44
Speaker 3: forever sealed shut those doors of opportunity. Furthermore, she would
49:51
Speaker 3: never get to know my heart, my passion for God's word,
49:56
Speaker 3: my passion for the world, and my passion to share
50:01
Speaker 3: the liberating power that comes from applying God's truth to
50:06
Speaker 3: our life experiences.
50:09
Speaker 2: I know what it is like to be.
50:10
Speaker 3: Turned over to the torturers. But more importantly, I have
50:15
Speaker 3: learned the unbelievable healing that comes when we forgive from
50:20
Speaker 3: our hearts, truly, truly forgive. That's what the Cross and
50:27
Speaker 3: the Resurrection are all about. A powerful thing happens when
50:32
Speaker 3: we come to the foot of the Cross, where we
50:35
Speaker 3: gain a true and honest perspective of all of the
50:39
Speaker 3: events of our lives. We bring everything before him who
50:45
Speaker 3: died for all of the SEMs of the entire world.
50:49
Speaker 3: Here he enables us to sort out all the twisted metal,
50:54
Speaker 3: all the debris of our life experiences. Here we leave
50:58
Speaker 3: all those things have been done to us, and here
51:03
Speaker 3: we are empowered to seek forgiveness from those we have wronged.
51:08
Speaker 3: This process, these very acts of forgiveness are the brushstrokes
51:16
Speaker 3: of paint on the canvases of our lives, which portray
51:21
Speaker 3: the grace and mercy of the one who bore all
51:24
Speaker 3: our sins upon the cross. This process is what brings healing.
51:30
Speaker 3: We are released from the torturers, freed from blaming, freed
51:36
Speaker 3: from unrealistic expectations, and freed from the character tours we
51:42
Speaker 3: have created upon the chaff in the wind. From my experiences,
51:47
Speaker 3: I encourage you to not let your paints dry out.
51:50
Speaker 3: Don't wait too long. It's this process that restores the
51:55
Speaker 3: years the locusts have eaten, so that you can say
51:59
Speaker 3: with the sawmon it keeps the Lord and you rejoicing
52:05
Speaker 3: when your lips speak what is right.
52:26
Speaker 1: I'd like us to bow our heads please. We've all
52:34
Speaker 1: been shot, and we've all wounded others. There is a
52:45
Speaker 1: better way to live, and we've heard a part of
52:53
Speaker 1: how to live beyond that, Cynthia and our I use
53:00
Speaker 1: the word easy or even simple. These things do get
53:09
Speaker 1: complicated over time. I don't know how here the message
53:16
Speaker 1: today speaks to any of you, but I do know
53:19
Speaker 1: that for many of you it's struck home. I'm unable
53:29
Speaker 1: to bring forgiveness. If I could, I would wave the
53:31
Speaker 1: wand and clear your heart of all shame and guilt.
53:35
Speaker 1: And yet that would be a futile. Only Christ can
53:41
Speaker 1: do that, and if you have never trusted in Him
53:46
Speaker 1: as a Lord and savior, he is here for you
53:53
Speaker 1: and awaits your receiving him. If there's unfit business between
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Speaker 1: you and someone, perhaps someone with you on this journey
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Speaker 1: or someone back home or one thousand miles away from home,
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Speaker 1: it's your move. We prepared a simple little book titled Destiny,
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Speaker 1: and we're making them available to you who would like
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Speaker 1: a copy as we in the meeting, Paul will say
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Speaker 1: a little more about that. But right where you're sitting,
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Speaker 1: I invite you to make the most important decision of
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Speaker 1: your life. It's either trusting the Lord Jesus Christ as
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Speaker 1: your savior if you've never known him before, or if
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Speaker 1: you know him, releasing your will to his word and
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Speaker 1: submitting to his plan for peace. Either way, it's your move.
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Speaker 1: Make sure you take care of that before this cruise
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Speaker 1: has ended. Father, Thank you for the soul searching time,
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Speaker 1: an unforgettable occasion for us to walk through the journey
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Speaker 1: of our lives and to observe the anchors that need
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Speaker 1: to be pulled in. Give us the wisdom and also
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Speaker 1: the courage to do so. In your way and timing,
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Speaker 1: and by your strength in the name of Jesus, we
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Speaker 1: all pray everyone said.
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Speaker 4: The preceding message, Getting Past the Guilt of Your Past,
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Speaker 4: was copyrighted in two thousand and nine and the sound
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Speaker 4: recording was copyrighted in twenty fifteen by Charles R. Swindall, Inc.
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Speaker 4: All rights are reserved worldwide. In the preceding message, Charles R. Swindall, Inc.
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Speaker 4: Is grateful to Dedru Prussak for permission to quote the
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Speaker 4: lyrics to Psychiatrist by Anna Russell, copyrighted in nineteen sixty