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Sober Talk SA - John M · Sober Talk SA

• 0:00
  Welcome to Sober Talk. I'm Dennis and I've lived
• 0:03
  experience of alcohol. If you or anyone you know is
• 0:06
  struggling with alcohol, please call Alcoholics Anonymous on
• 0:10
  1300 double 22222 or check out their website on aa.org dot AU.
• 0:19
  I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
• 0:21
  Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
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  fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength
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  and hope with each other. They must solve their come
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  problems and help others to recover from alcoholism.
• 0:34
  The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop
• 0:37
  drinking. There are no Jews at fees for a
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  membership. We are self support through our
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  own contributions, is not allied with any second nomination
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  politics, organization or institution, does not wish to
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  engage in any controversy, neither endorses or oppose any
• 0:54
  causes. Our primary purpose is stir soap
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  and help other Alcoholics achieve sobriety.
• 1:00
  Hi, my name's John and I'm an alcoholic.
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  I used to really love drinking. From the first time I drunk
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  drank, I completely fell in love with that.
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  I loved how it made me feel. I loved the feeling of just
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  losing control and not giving a shit about anything.
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  I loved the feeling of getting drunk.
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  The whole concept of social drinking.
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  It never even crossed my mind. I always, from my first drink,
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  drank to get drunk. If I wasn't getting drunk, I
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  might as well have been drinking softer.
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  The first time I drank was at a party.
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  I went there with a six pack of beer as a 15 year old.
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  I left having drink someone else's bottle of spirits.
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  I got in a fight. I got beat up.
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  I vomited all the way home out of my friend's car and I thought
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  it was the greatest night I've ever had.
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  I just fell in love with it. It became an obsession.
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  The next 12 years of my life I I really can't remember very much
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  of it, except the fact that I drank a lot.
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  Most of the social encounters I have are in absolute blackout.
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  And the only recollection I have is of people telling me
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  afterwards how I got thrown out of a pub or I shut down a party
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  or some other atrocious behaviour.
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  But I loved the feeling of getting drunk, I loved the
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  feeling of losing control and I was so convinced I was having
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  such a great time. Through high school I had a part
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  time job and it gave me enough money to buy 4 bottles of
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  spirits and had to be my Friday and Saturday night every
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  fortnight for two years. When I got university I
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  discovered both cast wine and I could subsist off bar snacks and
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  go from one happy hour to a happy hour.
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  I don't think I went to maybe 20% of classes.
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  I went to bar to bar to bar. Then when I started working I
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  got a credit card and while there was no stopping me and
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  then I could drink every night of the week 1 nightclub to the
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  next, I used to think I was really lucky.
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  I never got hungover. I never had to deal with any the
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  ill effects of alcohol afterwards.
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  I'd wake up the next day chipper ready to go, so no repercussions
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  for my drinking. At that stage and everyone was
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  young, everyone was drinking. It was so easy to fight,
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  surround myself with people like me who who just wanted to drink.
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  There are no short supply in university in my early 20s and
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  whilst all these other people, these friends, they went off and
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  they played sports and had girlfriends from starting to
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  build lives. I just went from one to the
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  other to the other, just continuing to drink until
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  drinking was all I did and all that.
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  I knew every day of the week I'd be drinking to get drunk when
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  bad things happen because of my drinking.
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  It was never my fault. It's always everybody else's
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  fault, for I wasn't allowed in the pub.
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  If they all drink properly, if they all drink like I did, when
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  I'd be allowed in and everyone would be having so much of A
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  better time and sitting around and nursing their drinks.
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  When my front teeth got knocked down, it never even crossed my
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  mind. It could have been because I
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  wasn't drunk, an idiot. It was somebody else's fault,
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  wasn't anything I was doing. I was just enjoying a drink.
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  But looking back, how? How enough would I know?
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  I I came out of blackout with my teeth missing.
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  I was a constant source of worry for everyone around me with my
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  drinking. But I was so scared to do
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  anything else. I was scared to change because
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  after drinking for a decade. And I didn't know anything else.
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  I remember I was involved in a police siege because of alcohol.
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  One of my good friends ended up getting shot by the police and I
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  drove my car 400 kilometers away and managed to wrap it around a
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  gum tree completely off my face. I got arrested, I got charged.
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  I got taken home by my parents and then I bought some more wine
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  and sat on the back porch and. Proceeded to get blind drunk.
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  Remember Mum and dad being so upset?
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  I remember Mum screaming at me. John, why can't you stop
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  drinking? I remember screaming back at
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  it's the only thing I'm good at. It's the only thing I'm worth
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  doing. I'd given up hope I was ever
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  achieving anything else in my life.
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  All I wanted to do was drink and this was just a speed and you
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  know, this wasn't my fault. Shortly after this I met my
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  ex-wife and we fell in love with each other.
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  She was wild. She was a drinker too.
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  We were like Sid and Nancy. It was it was a matter of time
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  before something went horribly wrong and it did did some
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  horrible things in blackout. I can't remember them.
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  I just got her word to go off. But after that I made a
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  resolution to stop drinking, and I did for seven years.
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  I didn't do it with a program. I did it by myself.
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  I just did cold Turkey and at the start, what a relationship
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  was good. And we were in love.
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  It was. It was fantastic.
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  I got a career. I started going places.
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  I got my health back. We had two beautiful children
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  and we got married. But then, you know, we've as a
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  relationship started to not be so good.
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  Without a program, I I started to feel like drinking again.
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  I didn't understand my drinking because I didn't have a program.
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  I didn't understand, but I still had all the character defects I
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  didn't understand. I was white knuckling and
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  relying on someone else for my sobriety, and it wasn't long
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  before I was sneaking out and drinking every night.
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  It felt like a release. It felt like something I
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  deserved because I was working so hard with with my job and
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  with the kids and providing and keeping everything up and
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  running. I thought I deserve to be able
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  to sneak out at night and and drink on the back porch.
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  We were sleeping in separate rooms by then, so it was easy to
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  do. She didn't notice this for about
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  a year until she caught me with a bottle of vodka, but by then
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  the relationship was blown completely.
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  It wasn't necessarily very good, but I was pouring fuel on the
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  fire because I was irritable, because all I wanted to do was
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  drink again. Again.
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  It was all I knew and I didn't want to spend time with her or
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  my children or anything else. I wanted them all to fuck off
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  and go to bed so I could sneak out and drink alcohol.
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  About 3 months later I got what we wanted and we separated.
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  She stayed up on the Sunshine Coast and I moved now away
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  closer to work and all of a sudden I could drink as much as
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  I wanted to and I drank every day again.
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  I started going to pubs and clubs, but I found that I
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  couldn't really get drunk enough or socialize.
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  I spent most of my time drinking by myself and I was so convinced
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  I was having such a good time dancing with the dog and calling
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  up old friends and complaining about my wife and all the rest
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  of it. Until six months later she she
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  met someone else and she took the children down to Melbourne,
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  1500 kilometres away. And I didn't see it at the time,
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  but I was so afraid. I was so scared.
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  I didn't fight it and I didn't see it at the time.
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  I was so much in this way of to drink and it was so much in
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  control of my life and my decisions and I just let her go.
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  But without having my children nearby, the drinking just went
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  to another level. Couple of bottles of wine became
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  a couple of bottles of wine and a bottle of spirits, and I
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  stopped calling friends and being sociable because, well, no
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  one wanted to hear my shit anymore.
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  I was alone and I was drinking my back porch every night, but I
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  was still so convinced that life was good and I was happy about
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  everything that I needed and everything that I wanted.
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  It wasn't long from then soon until I started drinking during
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  the day as well as at night. It wasn't long until I lost my
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  job. My career, seven years of hard
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  work, had just been destroyed. Seven years of sobriety.
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  I'd lost my family, I'd lost my job, and I was alone.
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  I was so far away from my family didn't.
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  I didn't know what to do. So you know I.
• 10:00
  I did the geographical. I signed up for a locum company
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  and decided that I was going to travel around the country and
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  they just drink myself to death. Because when that stage I was so
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  depressed and I thought that was all I was good at and that was
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  all I was good for. So I started back filling one
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  hospital to the other and just drinking.
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  Drinking in place where people didn't know me, where I didn't
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  care if I made and asked myself in public because I'd be gone
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  and I'll meet the next town. And I had all these bullshit
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  ideas in my head that I was going to do touristy things and
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  learn to surf and whatnot, but it was just one bottle to the
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  next. That was all that I cared about.
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  That was all that I cared for. Even my death by bottle plan and
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  travelling the country plan, I couldn't even do that properly.
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  But COVID lockdowns happened and I got stuck in Regional SA and
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  all of it came crashing to a stop.
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  All of a sudden I was locked in the hotel, 1500 kilometres away
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  from anyone knew I knew and drink and just continued to
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  worsen. About that time my my children
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  got taken off my ex-wife, she'd found herself a new partner who
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  was beating the absolute shit out of her and my kids.
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  I'd reported it to DCP and then gone and.
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  And I hadn't taken the children off her, but they refused to
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  give them to me because of my drinking.
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  This gave me some pause for a little while in my drinking.
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  I I reached out and started dabbling into Mayo meetings, but
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  I went, but I didn't listen. I wasn't convinced that there
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  was anything wrong with me. I was still so arrogant and
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  convinced that the problem was everyone else.
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  And if everyone else had a good time, and if everyone else drank
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  like I did, then no one would have a problem.
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  I came and I sat there, but I didn't really listen.
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  I didn't really take it in. And although, you know, I drank
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  less, I stopped being an everyday drinker.
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  When I didn't drink, my drinking continued to worsen.
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  About this time I stopped measuring trips in the car in
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  kilometers. Trips were how many long necks I
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  could neck on the drive through there.
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  And then how drunk I could get when I got there.
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  There was always enough for a family Christmas in my cupboard
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  to drink at any given moment, and if it wasn't, I wasn't
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  comfortable with it. I got a permanent job where I
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  was living and to get myself into a position where I could
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  take those girls as an alternative for them, staying
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  with their grandmother, who was who was violent, I got myself a
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  girlfriend. Things started in some ways to
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  look better, but my drinking, it just continued to worsen and
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  worse. And it wasn't long at all.
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  Twice back at a point where I was completely out of control
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  and I was drinking every day, the girlfriend couldn't stick
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  around. She couldn't bear to sit there
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  and watch me kill myself. As much as she loved being, I
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  loved her. As much as we talked about a
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  future, she just saw what everyone else saw in an early
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  grave coming my way. I lost her and and about the
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  same time my ex-wife had got her children, our children back.
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  By then she she cut me off from any sort of contact with the
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  kids. She was too scared of my
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  drinking. She was too scared of the person
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  that I was becoming and and this, this was the last straw of
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  this was rock bottom to beat all rock bottoms for me.
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  And as I was sitting there I. And I was determined to treat
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  myself today. If I had bought myself 4 bottles
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  of spirits and I was going to drink him, And for some reason,
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  for some reason for Providence, I I decided to reach out to a
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  friend I'd made an A, A and asked for help.
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  For some reason I decided to maybe maybe it was worth giving
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  a shot. Maybe after all this time it had
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  better drink doing me harm and not.
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  Everybody else, she couldn't help me.
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  She wasn't at a great place at the time, but I think that was,
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  again, that was Providence. She was able to put me in
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  contact for someone who did. And it was the first time when I
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  was speaking to someone that I felt that connection and I felt
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  that this person actually has a solution for me.
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  I wanted what they had. I can't even remember what I
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  said that one day, but it was probably absolute self pitying
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  dribble. But this beautiful man who
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  turned out to be my sponsor, he sat there and he listened to me
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  and he took it all in and he said move.
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  He asked me the three questions. Do you think you got a problem?
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  Yeah. Do you think you can do it on
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  your own? No.
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  Are you willing to go to any length possible?
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  Then yes, and I'm glad I answered him correctly for him.
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  He got me to order a book, order V book, which I did straight
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  away because I wanted what what he had.
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  I didn't even know what it was then, but I wanted it.
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  I remember I ordered the bulk and I was going to be sober that
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  day. So I went in and I had a shower
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  and I remember just everything coming in at me at once and just
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  lying there and pull with my own mess.
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  Just crying for about 3 hours. I was so scared and overwhelmed,
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  but I stayed sober. About a week later a book
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  arrived and and I was like a man possessed.
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  Oh got told what to do, what to read, how to interact with the
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  book. And I didn't.
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  And every night we would discuss it and tell me what to do next
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  and all these things that I was so blase.
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  About before I'm so determined they weren't for me.
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  I started identifying with and I started seeing myself in the
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  text and my behaviors in the text.
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  I was starting to feel like, hey, was she idea of not
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  drinking. I remember him say, Are you
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  ready? Are you ready to be start living
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  on a higher plane of existence. And yes, yes I have.
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  And, you know, riding down the moral inventory.
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  And it became so clear to me even before that beautiful man
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  drove 700 kilometers. Come down and sit down and work
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  through it with me that I'd always been afraid.
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  I'd always been so scared of everything in life.
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  And that was the root cause of all my bad decisions.
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  At every point we had built up a resentment in life.
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  Was something had gone my fear. Had been lying there at the
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  heart of it and my inaction and my turning to a bottle rather
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  than taking any sort of ownership of my own life.
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  I'll never forget how good it felt to sit there and share that
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  inventory with him, pray on it at night and then the next
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  morning when I woke up, just a feeling of release, the feeling
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  of being reborn as a completely. New Person was absolutely
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  incredible and now it's it's there with me every single day.
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  That feeling, it's hard to describe, but it's just just
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  amazing of not having to carry that fear of being able to be
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  fearless if I just continue to make to work this really, really
• 18:01
  simple program. I'm not cured of my character
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  defects that cause me to be an alcoholic.
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  I'm not cured of the fear of the people pleasing of the low self
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  worth. But with 10 minutes prayer every
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  day in the morning and reflection every night with
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  calling up and talking to my sponsor about resentments as
• 18:26
  they come up rather than bottling them up and swallowing
• 18:28
  them down, I can't have a close relationship with God.
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  I get to be in touch with my spiritual side and life just
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  gets keeps getting better and better and better.
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  I'm not scared of people anymore.
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  I'm not scared that the person I am isn't good enough for
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  anything more than another bottle and another drink.
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  I live life one day at a time and that way it's not
• 18:57
  overwhelming. I've no control of the people,
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  places and things, but I have the superpower.
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  To choose how I react to things and to live by a set of values
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  as opposed to 1 drink to the next.
• 19:13
  And it's amazing. I get to know contentment now,
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  and I get to know acceptance that maybe life isn't exactly
• 19:22
  how I want it, but it's exactly how it's supposed to be.
• 19:27
  Life is a different type of scary now.
• 19:31
  It's a type of scary because there's.
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  So many things in life I don't know or don't do, because all I
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  did was spend so many years just being a drunk.
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  But I've got a simple program that lets me conquer my fears
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  and the ability to get out and try new things and push myself
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  in different ways. I never knew that I enjoy it so
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  much. I never knew that I don't enjoy
• 19:57
  new learning, new skills, new sports.
• 20:02
  I never knew that I could have so much fun with other people
• 20:05
  while sober, rather than just being being drunk, oblivious and
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  obnoxious and not really caring about what anyone else ever
• 20:13
  thought. I'm ten months sober and I love
• 20:15
  my life. I'm reconnecting with my
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  children and rebuilding that relationship, which I I let go
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  through the bottle. Through my inaction.
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  I've been making amends, sort of people that I hurt along the way
• 20:32
  by by selfish, dishonest, self seeking behaviour.
• 20:37
  I love my life, I love the fellowship and I love being able
• 20:41
  to look forward to whatever the future brings.
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  I don't dwell on it. I live in the moment and the
• 20:50
  moment now it's it's fantastic. Getting sober was the best thing
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  that I've ever done. We have local meetings for the
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  full week in the local area. Monday is Gala meeting at 8:00,
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  Tuesday is Elizabeth E at 8:00, Wednesday is Elizabeth E at
• 21:12
  8:00, Thursday is 2 Wells at 8:00, and Friday is Salisbury at
• 21:18
  8:00. There's a meeting at Devron Park
• 21:21
  at 12:00 and on Sunday there's a meeting in Salisbury at 7:00 and
• 21:25
  many of the meetings in the area.
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  For details of your local meetings, please phone 1300
• 21:35
  double 22222. And once again, if anyone you
• 21:39
  know is struggling with alcohol issues, please call Alcoholics
• 21:42
  Anonymous on 1300 double 22222, the website isaasa.org dot AU.