Latest / Stuff Mom Never Told You / Happy Hour #208: Ruin the Situationship?

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Happy Hour #208: Ruin the Situationship? · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Sandy and Samantha brought through stuff I
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: never told you production of I Heeart Radio, and welcome
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: to another edition of Happy Hour. As always, if you
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: choose to drink whatever you're choosing to do, please do
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: so responsibly.
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: What are you drinking, Samantha, bubble water?
• 0:29
  Speaker 3: I don't know. I'm about that life.
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: It's a good life. It's a nice life.
• 0:34
  Speaker 3: What about you.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: I'm still on my red wine. I'm still on my
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: red wine. It is a big day as we record this,
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: this leon New Year, am Mardi Gras, and I have
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: a friend coming over later. Yeah, lots of food. Trying
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: to prepare myself anyway. I'm still trying to recover from
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: getting my heart broken, from being queer baited.
• 0:56
  Speaker 4: Oh no, that's all right. I've made progress. I've made progress,
• 1:01
  Speaker 4: one day at a time, one day at a time. Yes,
• 1:05
  Speaker 4: And a lot of the.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: Episodes I've been doing lately have been around it, which
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: is probably pretty obvious. But this is one that I've
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: been seeing play out online, and it is around situationships
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: and how people perceive this particular relationship and whether or
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: not it was a situationship. And it got me thinking,
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: as these things tend to do with me about my
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: own past relationships and how they might be perceived, And
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: I just asked myself. I was thinking about like my
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: longest running relationship, and I was like, what was I?
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: Am I the bad guy? Am I the one that
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: people would be like, You're not returning the feelings? And
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: so I just started to think about it. And that
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: line is really funny because it's actually used a lot
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: in this conversation about this particular queerbaiting. But I just
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: wanted to talk about it, and you know, I've come
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: to the conclusion that in this case, I was not
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: in a situationship. But I hesitate because people do have
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: a lot of different definitions for it, and so I
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: think by some people's definition, I might have been. Other
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: people other people were much more like this is what
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: it is, and I didn't really meet any of that.
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: So if you.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: Don't know what a situationship is, it is a term
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: from like twenty tens, but it's essentially a relationship in
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: all ways, but name or a romantic relationship between two
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: people who do not yet consider themselves a couple, but
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: who have more than a friendship.
• 3:00
  Speaker 4: They usually don't last very long, but they can last a.
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: Long, long, long, long time.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: And that's where I get kind of hung up because
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: some people would say, like, if you want to know
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: if you're in a situationship, ask yourself, did they ever
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: introduce you to their family or their friends? How do
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: they introduce you? And stuff like that. And I mean,
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: in the situation I'm thinking of, I certainly did like
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: and most people would have said, like, we were in
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: a relationship. I would have said, we were in a relationship.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: So that's why I don't think.
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: We were in one.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: And we did go like we made plans. That's another
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: thing that comes up. If you aren't ever making like
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: concrete plans, I want.
• 3:42
  Speaker 3: To say, typically those situationships are agreed upon.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: That's what I thought too, But when I was researching this,
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: people just had a lot of different because I've got
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: like three definitions here, and they're kind of different. Like
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: one that comes up a lot is lack of commit
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: either one or both people are not willing to commit
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: to a long term relationship with the other person at
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: that moment, So that one was pretty common. I think
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: in the instance of this fictional relationship. In my relationship,
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: it's there was kind of a well, at least in
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: my personal relationship.
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: I've told this story before.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: I feel horrible about it now, but I also had
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: like trauma and didn't know I was ACE at the time,
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: which is sort of part of the complication of it.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: But the first time he asked if he could introduce
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: me as his girlfriend, I started to cry.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: I feel horrible.
• 4:44
  Speaker 4: I'm laughing, but I feel so bad about it.
• 4:47
  Speaker 3: Did he how did he react?
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: He was like, oh, no, no, no, it's fine, it's fine,
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: it's fine, But I just and I didn't like it
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: just happened.
• 4:55
  Speaker 3: It just was a I mean, but I don't think
• 5:01
  Speaker 3: it's unfair that I think your emotional reaction is beyond
• 5:05
  Speaker 3: the normal. But I don't think it would be like,
• 5:06
  Speaker 3: it's not your fault, you did anything wrong.
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: No, I don't think it is either.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: But That's why I've been like wrestling with this for days,
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: because I've been seeing this play out online and I'm like,
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: wait a minute, am I actually the one?
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: So I don't think it is.
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: But I do think that, you know, if I had
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: to go back and like give my younger self a
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: good shake and say something, it would be, hey, you're
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: really trying to make yourself feel something and want something
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: and you're scared of it, and you should ask why
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: you're scared of it. And we weren't good at like,
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: and this was I think this was largely on me too.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: I wasn't good at I didn't want to have like
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: the serious conversations about touch about like, and we did,
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: but once it got beyond like handholding, I was like, oh,
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: oh god, no, no, no, no, no. But again, I didn't
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: know I was wrestling with all this other stuff at
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: the time. But I guess there was a lot of
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: confusion and I would have ended and should I feel
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: like I should have ended the relationship earlier. But the
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: problem was there was a serious death in his life.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: Oh that happened around the time I was planning on
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: doing it, And then it kind of became like, well,
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: I don't want I don't want to be that person
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: breaks up with someone right after their dad dies.
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: I just can't do it.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: But that's like my one big thing where I really
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: do think I should have. But my thing was I
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: was I enjoyed. I liked he was a good friend,
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: and I liked hanging out with him. That was fine
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: with me, but he wanted more than that, and those
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: kinds of things change and that's fine too. And you know,
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: if people don't reciprocate your feelings, that's fine too. I
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: think it's sort of that like leading on and never
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: giving those answers or never having those discussions and never
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: having that communication, but a kind of getting the benefits
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: of having the partner without ever.
• 7:10
  Speaker 3: I mean, there's definitely the level of responsibility for both
• 7:12
  Speaker 3: because the other person has that responsibility, Like do you
• 7:15
  Speaker 3: like this? If things are not changing, then why are
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: you staying at It's kind of one of those things
• 7:21
  Speaker 3: and understanding your own worth or you're what you want
• 7:24
  Speaker 3: rather and if that's the case, moving on, Like you
• 7:28
  Speaker 3: need to have the strength to be able to move
• 7:30
  Speaker 3: on as well. If like you're not getting what you
• 7:32
  Speaker 3: had hoped for and also just pretending it and making
• 7:35
  Speaker 3: it up in your mind not the safe way to go.
• 7:37
  Speaker 3: You need a conversation. If you want that to be
• 7:41
  Speaker 3: a thing, it should be a conversation you assuming it's
• 7:44
  Speaker 3: also not a that becomes a both fault type of situation.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, oh yeah, And that's been kind of interesting to
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: see play out in this whole thing as well. But
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: like I guess there's also the whole idea of kind
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: of the reverse of what I said of you know,
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: you're getting the benefits of the partner without the partner necessarily.
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: It's like, if you really do you're so into somebody
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: that maybe you would rather have those scraps of that
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: there or none of that, and that can be really
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: hard to break free from. And I've been I was
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: in something kind of similar to that, where I was
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: the yuriner, we'll say, and it was that's.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: The terms I've seen some amount.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: And I think at the time I would have taken
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: that over nothing, even if that wasn't healthy for me.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: And I did try to have the conversation and I
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: did do the very tropy half confession where I was
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: like feeling out, yeah, wait, and then they were like, oh,
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: I'm sure that was long in the past. I was like,
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: message received, message received. So I've done that too. For me,
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: though I was much less of a I was able
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: to get over that pretty quickly. But I've I was
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: reading stories about it today when I was actually researching
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: this happy hour, and people, not everybody. I won't say
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: it was easy for me to do it, but for
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: a lot of people it's it doesn't end that quickly,
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: and it's sort of hard to to move on, especially
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: if you've been friends for a long time or you're
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: I don't know, involved in each other's lives more deeply
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: than just somebody. It might be easier to kind of
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: cut out until you you move on. People also debate
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: about whether this is sort of like friends with benefits situation.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: I feel like a situationship is less to fine than
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: friends with benefits.
• 10:09
  Speaker 3: I thuationship is more romantic. I feel like that. Yeah,
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: Like yeah, friends with benefits tholos on the down low.
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's sort of that one.
• 10:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah, like people may know but may not know. Yeah,
• 10:26
  Speaker 3: as well as situationships, you're not friends.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, or are you can be, but nobody knows. Like
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: usually there's like I guess there's a lot of ways
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: it can look. That's what I learned reading about it.
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: But usually there's kind of a level of we're not
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: even going to mention that this is somewhat romantic or
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: there's something beyond friendship. There's something it's not not necessarily
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: physical or not necessarily anything like that, but this it's
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: like you're not just friends. There is something else and
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: like just not going to talk about it.
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: You might come around with friends, like you might actually
• 11:02
  Speaker 3: hang out and y'all they know, like if y'all do
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: partner things and then like do, but it's not going
• 11:07
  Speaker 3: to grow more than that. And also they're very expendable.
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: Friends with benefits I guess it could be as well,
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: but usually the friend part, I don't know, it's accordant
• 11:19
  Speaker 3: to who it is. Maybe he's a part of a
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: friend group and y'all are keeping it on the dow
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: low or yeah, yeah, or it may just be one
• 11:29
  Speaker 3: and the same and one one term came out of
• 11:31
  Speaker 3: the other. So friends with benefits came first with like
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: buddies type of conversation. Yeah, and then it grew into
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: situations because it was deeper than a buddy.
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but.
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: It's still not quite there. And again I still thought
• 11:48
  Speaker 3: it was a mutual thing, same thing with a fuddy.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: It can be, but not always it's well, at least
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: there's usually a slight power dynamic of the one person
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: that is, like I can read Yeah, well, like I said,
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: I was reading about it today. I saw a lot
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: of different things and maybe that's why I'm still kind
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: of like.
• 12:11
  Speaker 4: Wait, was I what was I doing. I think I was.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: I did accidentally introduce the mester with my friend once, but.
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: That was a mistake.
• 12:25
  Speaker 4: That was a mistake, and I apologized. I feel like
• 12:28
  Speaker 4: I'm going through all my like own dirty launcher.
• 12:31
  Speaker 3: A lot of your stuff has not more dude with
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: like miscommunications, naivety and blissful ignorance.
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: Avoidance to.
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: Like a lot of trauma. So like there's a lot
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: to that level of like, oh and you just kind
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: of stumbled upon a situation where dude is like, no,
• 12:52
  Speaker 3: this is what's happening. You're like, uh, okay, I guess sure.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: We have reo were friends. You told me you were
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: moving away, and I was like, oh no, good long,
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: No you're not weird.
• 13:10
  Speaker 4: Okay.
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: It was a mess, And that's why I think all
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: of this is kind of confusing and messy. And that's
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: sort of the thing I think about a situationship. As
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: I said, I personally, after doing this reflecting, don't think
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: I was in one. But I was in a relationship
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: where I believe some people online might be able.
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: To argue that I was.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: I think I was in a relationship that was just
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: we wanted different things, and.
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: I can at least say for myself.
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: I was very confused about a lot that was going
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: on in myself. And I'm also I'm learning this stuff
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: all the time. I also put a note in here.
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: I put a note here too about you were the
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: one that who taught me? Was it dtr what was
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: the term to find the relationship?
• 14:00
  Speaker 3: Finding the relationship? I thought I had talked about situation
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: shows before too.
• 14:04
  Speaker 4: I've heard about it. I just I just have seen
• 14:07
  Speaker 4: it a lot lately.
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: So I thought we had because we also talked about
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: cuffing season. Yes, we talked. We've talked about a few things, y'all.
• 14:15
  Speaker 3: I really thought we had. But like situationship is a
• 14:17
  Speaker 3: newer term for sure, Like it came in the last
• 14:21
  Speaker 3: you timed it timeline in a minute ago. Uh, it's newer.
• 14:26
  Speaker 3: Like again, I think came in a replacement of but
• 14:28
  Speaker 3: understanding that is a little deeper mm hmm than just
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: friends with benefits.
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think that I think it's evolved over
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: time what it meant, because I feel like I had
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: the understanding at first that it meant that you just
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: kind of fell into a relationship with somebody.
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: I don't know. I thought it was more.
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: Of a like accidental wolves for in a relationship kind
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: of thing.
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm thinking of another term.
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: Yeah, no, that's that's not how I situationship is when
• 15:08
  Speaker 3: people like just casually like So my situationship we're not together,
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: but we do sleep together, and we're not anything but romantic.
• 15:15
  Speaker 3: If anything else wants to be more like that, I've
• 15:17
  Speaker 3: heard it in that context.
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: Okay, Okay, that makes sense. I saw it painted that
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: way too. I think people are just have different interpretations
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: of it.
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: And yeah, obviously I think of it as a loosely
• 15:31
  Speaker 3: adult based, consensual thing before the fact, and it may
• 15:36
  Speaker 3: not be true. Like one side might say, yeah, this
• 15:38
  Speaker 3: is absolutely that, but want more and hope for more, yeah,
• 15:41
  Speaker 3: even though they were told straight up no, this is
• 15:45
  Speaker 3: not gonna be. But they really think they can talk
• 15:48
  Speaker 3: their way into this.
• 15:49
  Speaker 4: Yeah, or they just never discussed it at all.
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: Right, Yeah, Well, I continue to learn a lot through
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: all of us, and I shall report back with more.
• 16:03
  Speaker 3: I'm sure I'll do more analysis and bring it back
• 16:09
  Speaker 3: to us.
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm still thinking by the cogs are still turning.
• 16:15
  Speaker 3: I like it. I really want application here.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: I really hope my excessn't listen to this just because
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: like he's the type who would have somebody who would
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: listen for him, like he wouldn't do it and say.
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: If I'm talking to you, I hope not. I don't
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: think so. I doubt it too.
• 16:35
  Speaker 3: Better people don't be better.
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: That would hurt.
• 16:37
  Speaker 3: We all grow, we all go.
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: Yes, and I am sorry for what it's worth or
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: what it's worth anyway.
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: Listeners would love to hear from you if you have
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: any thoughts on this very messy situation. Yes, you can
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: email us at Hello at stuff Onnever Told You dot com.
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: You can find us on Blue skytt Mom Stuff podcast,
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: or on Instagram and TikTok at stuff when Never Told You.
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: We're also on YouTube. We have some merchandise at Common Bureau,
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: and we have a book you can get wherever you
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: get your books. Thanks as always too our super duce
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: Christina or executive produce my er contributor Joey. Thank you
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: and thanks to you for listening. Stuff I Never Told
• 17:22
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