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The KEY To Building A Family That Lasts: 3 Generations, 1 Table, Every Week (And How To Make It FUN!) · The Family Teams Podcast

• 0:00
  What we're aiming at is ultimately three generations, one table every week. This is the one tool that will turn your family into a multi-generational family. So this is really worth crafting and we want to take you guys step by step into what this takes. And it really does start with.
• 0:19
  All right, welcome back to the Family Teams podcast. Today, we are going to be talking about the multi-generational family meal. We've got April, we've got Jeremy, we've got Jeff here. And specifically, as we were talking about the Friday meal or the multi-generational meal, the thing that we're going to be talking about this week is about how to make it fun.
• 0:38
  And so the theme of today is going to be fun. Maybe kick it off. Jeremy, before we get tactical, set the frame. If a family does this really well, makes it fun, what does the dinner table actually look and feel like, you know, 20 years from now? Yeah. And just to be clear, you guys, we're not talking about the weekday meal that I think is really important. It's great to do that. We're saying that if you start a multigenerational family meal, this is the one tool that will turn your family into a multigenerational family.
• 1:07
  We've seen this in other cultures. This was actually true in a lot of Western countries. 50, 60, 70 years ago, they had this weird thing called a dining room. If you go to old houses like ours, it was built in the 1800s. Or you had these things like plates called china. They had these formal family meals back in the day. Now we have eating kitchens. And a lot of us just are having these quick weekday meals.
• 1:31
  you know, sort of catch up meals. And then we poof, we go off into our typical individual activities. If you decide to actually craft a weekly multi-generational family meal, this will transform your family forever. And so we saw this in Israel. We've seen this in other cultures. And we have seen people in Western countries, in America, in the world.
• 1:53
  take on this tradition, and it completely begins to transform their family. But you have to start by making it fun. You have to make it enjoyable in order for this to really take off. So what we're aiming at is ultimately three generations, one table every week. If you ever get to that place, your family will be transformed into these very fragile one, two generation families into a multi-generational family. So this is really worth crafting. And we wanna take you guys step-by-step
• 2:21
  into what this takes. And it really does start with making it fun because if you create a really fun atmosphere, your kids will want to do it and you will begin to see this get extremely repeatable and just a part of your family's culture.
• 2:35
  I think it's so interesting that you're starting with fun when we're talking about like we're looking for impact. We want to build culture. These are very serious things. But the first place you want to start is on the fun side, which is very interesting. Jeff, maybe why does fun actually matter here? And if the meal isn't fun, what breaks down, you know, further downstream?
• 2:54
  I think it matters because I think it matters to God. I like to say that the fragrance of heaven is a family laughing around a table. I think, think from heaven's perspective, the joy we see in Luke 15 when a sinner repents, in the Psalms when it says that there are pleasures forevermore at his right hand. Joy and the seed of joy is at the center of heaven. There is celebration there.
• 3:17
  at all times, at all moments. And so when we decide to enter in around a table as a family and laugh and have joy, we are actually reflecting our Father and the family of Heaven. That's number one. And I would say number two is joyous psychologically and sociologically been proven to have some of the strongest emotional residue out of any other emotion known to man, both positive and negative, meaning
• 3:42
  Joy is actually one of the strongest weapons of warfare we have against shame and isolation. And so when you rip that into a table as a family, belly laughing, telling jokes, having fun, connecting on a deep level, what you're actually doing is you're actually engaging in warfare against shame and isolation, which is the opposite usually of those emotions.
• 4:04
  And then I would say number three, right, it's so important, is because when a table and a meal that is sacred and special is also really, really, really fun, guess what? Your kids will want to come to that meal when they're 10, when they're 20, when they're 30, when they're 40, when they're 50, et cetera. And so I would say those three reasons matter deeply, and I think rather than think of fun as some whimsical, random, oh, we just laughed a little, and it meant nothing, see it as actually a weapon of heaven and a glue to glue your family together.
• 4:32
  Oh, that's great. That's fantastic. If you're listening to this right now and it sounds good in theory, you're like, great, but I don't actually know how to make this real. Give me a step by step practical. How do I do this? We actually built a very practical PDF on that shows exactly how to structure your own multigenerational meal and to start from zero.
• 4:52
  And so you can go to familyteams.com slash meal. And we have a PDF that's just fantastic that will kind of walk you through kind of starting from zero. Jeremy, what's the long term cost of getting this order wrong at the beginning? Maybe you put meaning or sustainability or, you know, even taste above other elements. Like if you don't put fun as number one, what happens?
• 5:13
  Yeah. Have you guys ever tried to start a tradition and you had all this energy and excitement about it? You do it once and that was it. Like that's the cost of doing this in the wrong order. And we almost made this mistake. I think we kind of actually stumbled upon the fact that fun needed to be first on accident. When we decided to start our multi-generational family meal,
• 5:32
  Our family was in a really stressful season. This was probably the low point, honestly, of our family's life. We felt very isolated. We were living in this country house, which was great, but we just didn't have very many friends. We'd moved recently and it was just a really tough season and we felt kind of isolated. And I remember back to when we saw these incredible Sabbath dinners in Israel and how they just brought families together. And so in one of the, I think maybe it was the first meal we decided to try, we bought this sparkling grape juice.
• 6:02
  You know, and we're kind of Grinches with our kids. And so our kids are all drinking water all the time. And so to them, it was like this was the peak of the week was, oh, my gosh, we got sparkling grape juice. And so we served it at that meal. And, of course, it was just the first time we'd done it. So it wasn't something that was like a part of our family's culture. And by the next Saturday night that we did this on Saturday night to begin with.
• 6:26
  I had forgotten about this great tradition that was going to transform our family forever that I was trying to start. And I think it was one of our kids was like, hey, dad, can we do that like sparkling grape juice thing again? And I was like, oh, that's right. We're trying to start this epic multigenerational tradition. And it was that little tiny aspect of fun that actually caused the kids to remind the parents that, hey, let's do this thing. That gave it kind of that extra, you know, that extra oomph to kind of keep it going.
• 6:56
  Once you, of course, you do a tradition twice. Now it's your kids are like, oh, this is what we do. This is like what our family is all about. So then it's just started to kind of roll downhill from there. That's really interesting. So it's almost like you're inviting accountability from your children by making it fun. Right. Exactly. A child will hold you to making sure that you do something fun every single week. That's right. That's really interesting. April, I'm curious your perspective, either on that side or even that period of time for your family.
• 7:24
  Yeah, I think something else that Jeremy did during that time was a big thing we were trying to focus on is for the kids to understand what it means to rest and what we've been freed from. And so we had what we called a Shabbat box. He got that the same time that he went out to the store and got a candle and some dishes that would be separate, different from our other daily wear.
• 7:54
  And he got a chain. He bought a chain. I don't know if he went to the hardware store or something and put the chain inside the box. And he would start off the evening with the chain wrapped around the big chest and said, you know, we're locked away in slavery.
• 8:11
  And, you know, asked the kids, are we locked away? No, we're not locked away. But then they had this visual image of, yes, we are. This represents us being locked away in slavery. And then he would, you know, through the gospel story, kind of unwind the chain.
• 8:27
  and then put it back inside. So just a visual for the kids. So they thought that was super cool. And we did that for quite a while. That was part of our, he was learning how to kind of infuse meaning within the fun and within the trying to get the kids to want to do it again and things like that. And so that was one of the first attempts at that. And I think anytime you can do something very like tactile or experiential for the kids, I think that helps as well. Oh, that's excellent.
• 8:58
  Jeff, I'm getting curious from your perspective. You've met with a lot of different families. What are kind of the fun killers that you often see that arise in families? I feel like there are these patterns. What are you going to see as like, oh, you might not be making it fun if.
• 9:13
  That's an easy answer for me. I would say the dad. The dad is usually the joy killer, the fun killer. And you have to really watch out for that. Another way to put it, I would say, is the father is easily the limiter of the joy of the family. So a limiter like on a golf cart, right? Or a governor on a golf cart. For those that don't know, it's something they intentionally put on the golf cart
• 9:33
  So that the engine can drive a lot faster. You know, the engine can go 50 miles an hour, but they put a governor on it. So it can only go up to 15 miles per hour. So you don't drive off a cliff and die where you have the golf course, right? Now me and my friends, we would always go into the golf carts and take off the governor. So we'd go 50 miles an hour and go off the cliff. It's really fun. I don't recommend that. I think it's illegal, but it's really fun as well. But what I would say with that is, I think there's a lot of limiters on a father's heart in regards to joy, because that's what life does to a father's heart. Work, tiredness,
• 10:02
  busyness, shame, guilt, duty. There's just so much, I just do this because I'm supposed to do it. And over five years, 10 years, 15 years, all of a sudden you got a rock hard heart as a father. And what it does is the main thing that resists is joy. And I do believe the father's presence then leaks on the rest of the family. Like it's really hard for a family to be joyful when the dad is grumpy.
• 10:27
  right? It's really hard for a family to tell jokes and laugh and be whimsical when the dad has like a harsh eye or a harsh word. And so I would say that's actually the main one, as I would say, dad's listening, ease up a little bit, make yourself childlike like Jesus says, ask for a warm heart, and then unleash that at the table with joy and blessing.
• 10:49
  That's so good. Yeah, there's a great quote. I think it's in Hamlet where someone turns and says, you have displaced the mirth. And it's this idea of like, you know, you can drive mirth or joy away from the table right by behaving in the right way. I had no idea what that meant until you explained it. So thank you. Oh, yeah. I thought it was become a phrase.
• 11:09
  It's become a phrase that Chandler will look at me across the table and be like, you've displaced the mirth. I'm like, ah, she didn't mean to. Were you homeschooled growing up? I know, sorry. That's legit. Both, unfortunately. Yeah, both of us. Yeah, I think there's something here, too, around safety, which is that there is nothing more safe to a family than a father that's joyful.
• 11:31
  Right, because essentially the guardian, the protector of the family, whose job it is to protect the family, is essentially letting their guard down. That means everything's okay. And I think that it speaks to the souls of the people in your care. Jeremy, talk to me a little bit. Can I have one more thing on that, actually?
• 11:47
  I would say, yeah, because you nailed it, man. I think a dad having, like, a whimsiness to it is actually, like, can radically shape a kid's heart for the rest of their life. And so I think, yeah, and it comes down to, like, projecting safety. I've never looked more dumb than on Sabbath. It's usually, like, I'm just getting on... I'm standing on the table. Like, where else am I gonna stand on the table except on Sabbath? I'm not gonna do that at a restaurant, right? You know, doing weird voices that make me sound like an idiot. Well, I'm not gonna do that anywhere else, right? So there's a level of that that I think you want to step into as a dad that actually...
• 12:16
  Like, what it does actually is it shocks your children. They almost are aghast, right? And certainly in the teenage years, you can almost play that in a fun way, where they're like embarrassed by it, but they love it, but they love it. So I would say lean into that. I love it. Jeremy, give me a fun 101. What do we do here?
• 12:32
  I know I'm trying to picture and I've seen a little bit of what Jeff's capable of as the dad. I think every one of us has like a little bit different, I guess, approach to this. I am huge in like kind of that picture of the master of the feast. I think John Mark Comer says something like it's hard to become depressed when you're never more than six days away from a feast.
• 12:52
  And there's something that happens in my heart, you know, when I've got like a little, you know, glass of wine and I'm just like, I have to be transformed in that moment into like whatever's going on in my week, it's over. Like I am now entering into a different space or the Jews call it a cathedral in time. And so I, what I do is I sort of let myself just, just be totally relaxed and just be yourself, you know, at that table. And also let, let, this is going to be, this is going to take a practice. Like you need to practice doing.
• 13:19
  being a master of a feast. You know, if you've ever had that experience, you've walked into somebody's house or even at a wedding and the person who's actually sort of the master of the feast, the father or whoever's paying for this is miserable and uptight, you know, or the bridezilla or whoever it is,
• 13:35
  That you're, you're always like kind of, uh, queuing off of their energy. And, and so what Jeff's describing is, yeah, as a dad, you need to find that place, that gear that you're down, you downshift into, I'm here to have fun. I'm here to be relaxed. I'm going to lead the family into this piece. And there's a moment in our Shabbat where we sing this kind of silly song to kick off the Sabbath.
• 13:57
  And I'll often just use that moment as we're singing, just close my eyes and just downshift into this space where I'm just like, I am just love being here with my family. And we're just going to I'm going to be totally relaxed and and get to enjoy this moment. And I think that just this helps everybody kind of come down from whatever intensity they're feeling into into that space of like, yeah, we're safe.
• 14:20
  Let's have fun. Let's enjoy each other. We don't have anywhere better to go. This is a sort of a timeless moment. This is why it's to me so different than just those sort of weekday dinners where we just want to be relaxed and get to enjoy each other. I love that. That's fantastic. Yeah. Anything else to add, April, on this as we're talking through it?
• 14:41
  Yeah, I just feel like, I mean, moving a little bit away from the fun and a little bit into the meaning, just, you know, as the adults, if you, we need to grow in this skill as well. And so learning how to let this meal do a number on our hearts and like let the gospel become more and more true. So when we sit down at that table, we can acknowledge the fact that we went through a whole season where the question Jeremy would ask was, who still has stuff to do?
• 15:10
  Who still has emails to answer? Who still has things on their to-do list that didn't get checked off? And everyone's kind of going around like, who still has an assignment they didn't finish for school? And we're all realizing like, wow, we still have stuff to do. We could keep working. But we're going to acknowledge the bigness of God and His power and the fact that He thought this was a good idea for us to take some time off.
• 15:34
  from life once a week. And so, um, allowing that to penetrate our own hearts really does help us get to the place where we can kind of let down and then let the, um, the environment kind of change into more fun. I remember being at the Bethke's house for Shabbat once and, um, the kids running around with trumpets and that are like shakers or something. Yes.
• 15:58
  Yes, I remember that. That's funny you said that. I was actually going to say that. Age appropriate and kid appropriate is, yeah, the first couple years. That stage when toddlers, you have toddlers and you can just make them do anything is like the best stage. And they think it's awesome. Like, hey, what if? And that's the best question for a dad, from a dad to a kid. So I just said, what if?
• 16:17
  We just go, we put popcorn seeds and kernels in like a water bottle. And then we start every Sabbath with you like running around the table like Jericho, ready for the walls to fall down. We did that for years. And these little toddlers are running. It's amazing. I was like, that's the best way to usher it in. But yeah, I forgot about that. Thanks for reminding me. Yeah. Yeah.
• 16:36
  Dude, I love that. That's fantastic. Can I ask maybe specifically the two dads, Jeremy and Jeff, is there anything that you do personally to help prepare your heart? Because both of you guys are running businesses and it's like one thing after the next after the next. And I'm guessing that your business isn't tied in a neat little bow on Friday at 5 p.m. or whenever you enter into your Sabbath. What do you do to kind of get your heart in the right place to be able to bring joy?
• 16:59
  I would say for me it's cooking. If I don't cook, then I'm doing emails until 30 seconds before the dinner and then my heart's not there. But if I'm the one that's cooking, the cooking mechanism, like I'm throwing the feast and putting the steaks on the grill, what that does is that's actually giving me like a 90-minute transition for my heart.
• 17:18
  Do you know what I mean? Where the phone is put away, the computer's put away, the emails are put away. I turn music on in the kitchen and I'm starting to make dinner. That's what I would say is actually, you do have to have like a transitional element for the question you just asked. For me, it's actually like becoming the one that does most of the cooking on Friday nights and what that actually does for my heart and the transition.
• 17:36
  That's great. It signals to you like, okay, now it's time to relax. It's up. I'm going to let my guard down. How about you, Jeremy? Yeah, that's, that's exactly like when I think kind of my Friday, we do ours on Friday night. Now, part of what happens is often I will go shopping, um, you know, grab the meat or whatever, come home. Yeah. There's a whole ritual. Um, I try to, you know, come, come out of work around four 30. Uh, so I, I, similar to Jeff, I, I cook the main, the main dish. And so I'm,
• 18:02
  I turn on music, I get a drink. Sometimes I'll put on an appetizer while we're getting ready. I'll just start to make the meal. And so you're just in that space for a good 30, 60 minutes. And by the time we're moving into the table and the daughters are all like, they're setting the table and just the whole atmosphere of the house starts to transform and just, it's very healing and relaxing. And so, and again, that's not how we did it like on day one.
• 18:30
  Um, this has been a long, many, many years, uh, journey into, okay, how do we choreograph, uh, this movement into rest? I think one of the things that one of the misnomers is that to rest, you just stop working and that's not actual rest to get actually into a peaceful state. Uh, it does take some, some thought at the author of Hebrew says strive to enter into rest and, uh, that those seem very different, but I think part of the striving is to choreograph what?
• 18:59
  these steps where you are coming from one world where productivity is kind of ruling and you're always thinking about how do I get more done and all the things that I have to, I didn't get done into, I just want to be present with my family. And there is, there is something just inherently joyful about being radically present.
• 19:21
  And I think that whatever is going on in your life, if you start cultivating that, even when major tragedy strikes, when April's dad died very suddenly and we went into a Sabbath, it was like we all felt the ability to downshift into a peaceful place in our own hearts because we'd practiced this for years.
• 19:40
  And so you can deal with all of the highs and lows of life as a family if you can craft this environment in which everyone has practiced being present in that moment and enjoying it.
• 19:54
  That's excellent. Thank you. All right. Cool. If this is resonating to you, maybe you're driving in the car or you're lifting weights in your garage or who knows what you're doing right now. If this is like, okay, I like this idea. I don't want to forget this idea. What I want you to do right now is go to familyteams.com slash meal, get that PDF in your inbox. That'll be the thing to kind of remind you of like, yes, I need to talk about this with my spouse. We need to kind of start to implement these types of things.
• 20:16
  So go to familyteams.com slash meal. That's it for this week. Next week, we're going to focus in on how to make this meal sustainable. It's one thing to have one awesome meal. It's another thing to have a lifetime of awesome meals together. So how do we make this something that we can do that doesn't kind of put too much of a burden on our families? That's what we're covering next week. We will see you then. Thank you, everybody. We'll see y'all.
• 20:38
  Thank you for listening to the Family Teams podcast. If you're enjoying this content or have learned something new, please make sure to leave a rating and review and share with a friend. To stay up to date with our events, new content, and products, you can follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Family Teams.