Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / NYC Rats are Built Different | Gastor Almonte | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣🤣😁

Transcript

NYC Rats are Built Different | Gastor Almonte | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣🤣😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm from Eastern New York, Brooklyn.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't realize my neighborhood was sketchy till two weeks ago.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: I went to my local 7-Eleven.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: When I walked through the door, the cashier greeted me by yelling out, Don't be stupid.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: You understand what I'm saying?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: I went into this place of business, his company training kicked in.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: His automated response, the best way to maximize this sale was to greet me with don't be stupid.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: He can't do that on his own.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: He had to talk to a manager, you know?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yo, boss, I love working here, I like wearing black and green shirts.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: But I've noticed greeting the customer with welcome to our store isn't effective when the customer's wearing a ski mask, you know?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: We gotta look at other options.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: He saw I was just a regular dude, I put my stuff on the register.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, yo, my man, why were you so aggressive when I walked in?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, oh, because people have been stupid before.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, yeah, I gathered that, you know?
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Can I ask?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Has the ratio of stupid to non-stupid interactions decreased since you've implemented this change?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: He said, admittedly, no, same amount of stupid, same amount of stupid.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: I said, okay, so why do you keep doing it?
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, oh, because now when they act stupid and I respond accordingly, they can't say it was a surprise.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Then I went home and bought as many shares of 7-Eleven stock as possible.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: I believe in this company's future, the culture they're building.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: They're doing innovative things, you know?
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Look into it for your portfolios.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: I made a few uh New Year's resolutions this year.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: They are not going to plan.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: First was to get healthier, second was to spend more time with family.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: My kid brother is a workout fiend, and he just moved out of my parents' house, so I hang out with him as like a two for one.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, yo, come see my new place.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: I live downstairs in this building in Brooklyn.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: I said, cool.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: I showed up.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I can't stress to you how far underground my brother lives today.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: I went down so many stairs, yo.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like at one point the walls turned into mud.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: I just started yelling, Gabriel, I haven't seen a window in four floors.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Where are you taking me?
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Are you captive right now?
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Are you free to leave?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: We get to his apartment dungeon.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, yo, before we work out, I'm gonna show you how to eat right too.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna make you a smoothie.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: He starts putting oat milk, chia seeds, protein powder, blueberries.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: In the excitement, he accidentally knocks it over, it spills on the floor.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: And before he could clean up, a mouse runs across, grabs a blueberry, goes into hiding.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm never going back there again.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: He don't get my fear.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: I told him in New York, your mice live your life.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: What you do, they do.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: So when you out here doing P90X, they doing P90X.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: I seen how big the mice get in my house with random crumbs, and you feeding them oat milk, G C, protein powder, blueberries.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Have you tried capturing the mouse to get some more antioxidants than you do?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a fair fight.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Three times this month by a rat.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm starting to wonder when should I take ownership?
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: When is it about me?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Having the same way every time a rat in front of my building jumped off the trash can to my face.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: I watched the security footage, very humbling, very humbling.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm getting ready for the next match, so I'm studying the tapes.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know your enemy.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Mamba mentality, you know.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: I learned a few things.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: One, I think it's the same rat every time.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Mainly because he keeps missing to my left.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: I think he has a hamstring problem.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: He's not stretching before the game.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Over family dinner, I was venting to my wife about my recent issues.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, yo, Shorty, I don't want the mice from Gabriel's place to talk to the rats from our building, you know?
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Let the local rodent community think I'm a mark, you know?
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: And my son jumped in, he was like, yo, dad, you got nothing to worry about.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you know this.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Mice and rats can't communicate, they're different species.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: And he didn't realize that I was learning that right then, okay?
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: I thought mice and rats were the same thing, you know?
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there's not more of you laughing because you're learning this right now.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: I get it.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: I thought mice were baby rats.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: I thought the mice stayed home, the rats went out to work.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they earned the cheese, they put in the hours.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: They in the union, you know?
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: I've taken the train with good rats, solid people, family-oriented, you know.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: When my son told me that, I told him everything I just told y'all.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I watched him go from like, yo, dad is silly to like genuinely concern.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like, are we okay as a family?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: He's in charge of the mortgage, you know?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Someone should check his work.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: One of my other resolutions this year was to be more empathetic and understanding of my wife.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: We've been married a long time, we don't see out of eye on everything, but I think that's okay, you know?
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like, let me ask y'all a question.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say you driving and you can't swerve, and you have to run over a mouse.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: You keep going, right?
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say you drive and you can't swerve, and you hit a dog.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta come out and check on the dog, right?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I guess my question is what's your animal line?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: What are you okay hitting and continuing with your day?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody got one.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Raccoon is interesting.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: I like that one.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Uh in spirit, I'm with you, but like I see myself in them because we wear similar glasses, you know?
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: I hear you though.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Squirrels is good.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah, fuck squirrels.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: They could all go.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: Uh you know what's something I could say sincerely.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um, no squirrel has ever added value to my life.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: They could disappear tomorrow.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: I will feel exactly the same.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'll tell y'all what happened.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: I was driving, you know.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: My wife, Shorty, she was shotgunned, and I hit a cat.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: That was creepy, okay?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: But she got so mad at me, yo, she didn't talk to me the rest of the night.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't realize that I was just as mad at her, though.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because we've been married 15 years, and she was just learning this about me.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: I've been hearing cats for years, yo.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: This was not my first rodeo, you know what I mean?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to be clear, I'm not out here aiming for cats, okay?
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Uh your pet cat is safe at home, I promise you.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: By the same token, uh, if I'm honest, I drove here today from Eastern New York, Brooklyn.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And if you would have put a cat in front of my car, every block of that drive, I promise you, I would have been on time for the show.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing would have changed in your night or mine.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Bottom of my heart, yo.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like when I got here, I might have been like, Yeah, that was a strange amount of cats today, you know?
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Otherwise, the show will go on, I promise you.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: And my wife, she didn't realize why I was mad.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm proud of us as a couple.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: We've raised two awesome kids together, and I feel like we're good parents together because we disagree on this issue.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: You need both.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like when my kids are down, I want someone to console them, pick them up, let them know everything's okay.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: But someone has to make sure that things get done.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like last year, I drove both of my kids to school every day and they both had perfect attendance.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: But they've seen me hit other cats.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: You understand?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like they know the price of success.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: On the roll is roughly one cat a month for future parents in the world.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: I used to be uh retail furniture store manager.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like everybody should work retail once.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Mainly because it teaches you about the best and worst than people.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: My favorite customer ever showed me the best and worst than people at the same time.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: This guy came in the store one day, he was like, Yo, I want to return my mattress.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: I said, sure, boss, how long have you had it for?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: He said, seven years.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Best and worst than people, right?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: The worst in people, wasting me and my employees' time returning a seven-year-old mattress.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: But the best in people, to believe that it was possible, you know?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Dream that dream, that's beautiful.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: We need more of that in this world, you know?
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm the manager, I was supposed to dismiss this guy, send him away.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: But as a human, I want to know what moves you, you know.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: How dare you try to fly that close to the sun, you know?
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I asked him, I was like, yo, my man, what's wrong with the mattress?
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, Oh, I got bed bugs.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, let's recap, homie.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Just so I'm understanding you, you think we sold you a mattress seven years ago that came with stealth bed bugs that were waiting for their day to strike, and today was that day.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: And he looked at me, he was like, That's exactly what I'm saying, sir.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: He doubled down on that bullshit, yo.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: I looked at him, I was like, listen, man, I'm not gonna lie to you, you've changed me as a person.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm forever different going forward.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: But I can't give you a new mattress.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: And he looked at me, he was like, Listen, man, one of two things are gonna happen here.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Either you are gonna give me a new mattress, or I'm gonna give you bed bugs.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Then he reached inside his jacket, pulled out a mason jar full of bed bugs.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: He shook it a little bit, so after hear the cap is loose.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: The stakes are real.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: I've tried my whole life ever since to be like that man.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Picture how his day started, Joe.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: He's at home, tired as hell, itchy as shit, and he can't sleep.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: He needs a new mattress, can't afford to buy one, what can I do?
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Then he looked around his room and used the tools at his disposal to create his own solution.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's the American dream.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I tell you this, I don't know where you are in your life.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Clearly, you're doing okay, you got money to buy tickets for a comedy show.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's beautiful.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: But if things change one day and you need to rob somebody, consider using a mason jar for the bed bug.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Hope you guys have a good night.