Latest / Reverse Jackass / Ep78: Evelyn lived through the bathroom knock-and-walk; Nick was betrayed by his own left arm.

Transcript

Ep78: Evelyn lived through the bathroom knock-and-walk; Nick was betrayed by his own left arm. · Reverse Jackass

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's reverse child.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was editing a couple of older episodes from mid-August, and they're taking me forever.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: You live for that shit.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't, especially when it's an episode when you're quite frankly being insufferable.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's that I'm forced to wade through it.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's going out next week.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: You'll see what episode.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: You call me insufferable all the time, and then I apologize and you go, oh no, no, no, don't change.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: Don't change.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want you any other way.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: I know, I don't.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, you are the fucking worst.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: You are the worst world.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: Let me tell you what it is like laboring over every sentence you say for 40 minutes.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's the worst.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, oh my God, I'm so sorry.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: Should I change my behavior?
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: And you're like, no, no, no, obviously, don't change it.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: Do you understand the level of mixed signals that you're sending?
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I do.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: I do.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's conflicting in my own psyche as well.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: I don't understand.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it is what it is.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: You want to lead us in or you want me to?
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't let us in in a while.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: I keep hearing you welcome everybody.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I think I should No, I wasn't gonna say that at all.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Oh what I was gonna say though was welcome back to the Reverse Jackass Podcast, everyone.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: The podcast that is striving on an hourly basis to bring peace between Canada and the United States.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: How are we doing?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: We'll never know.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Evelyn, the Canadian Blade.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I'm the Canadian.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: And here with me, as always, is my friend and non-Canadian co-host, Nick.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: How are you doing, Nick?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: Apparently I'm insufferable.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, what happened?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Did someone I don't I don't know.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't there, but somebody just somebody just detailed the process of editing me sentence by sentence and said, when frankly you're being insufferable.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, maybe I should change.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: And you were like, no, no, no, don't change.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: And so I just want, I want everybody, everybody who's not behind the scenes to get a glimpse of what the behind the scenes is.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's alternately being called insufferable and then being told never to change by my co-host.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: So if any of you can make any sense of that, please email us at uh versejackass at gmail.com and let us know what the fuck I'm supposed to take from that.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Are you are are you gonna make this a thing?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: I might.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't get to keep the American f machine.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe I'll be insufferable, Nick.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, never change, but be better.
• 2:23
  unknown: Okay.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's kind of the messaging here.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I you know why I called you insufferable?
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna tell you.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be up front with you.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: I was editing an episode where you it was getting my response out to your prompt was the most torturous experience because you barely let me get three words out at a time.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: And you just I think you were in a flow state.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: As I often am.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I'm just too close to it.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: What did you say?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: I said I'm more flow than ebb.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: More flow than ebb.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: That that would that's what we should call ourselves, the ebb and flow.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Flow and ebb.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so you were editing this thing, Eb?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: I think I was just Eblyn.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Evelyn.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: I think I think I'm just too close to it.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, if I step away from it for a day or two, I might see it as art, what you do.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: But I will say for the last two and a half hours, it was not art.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: I was it's just my response to my response to my work, my craft.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: I think of it as like a Samuel Beckett play.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: Like if somebody describes a Samuel Beckett play, you go, Oh, that's art.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: But if you've ever paid money to sit through a Samuel Beckett play, it's um it's offensive.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's offensive torture, larceny.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: And and hopefully, if you have a pack of matches, arsenic.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: And that's folks, that's what the top of the mountain looks like.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: Enjoy the view.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: We spent we spent the last three minutes scaling, and now you're at the peak.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, this is what it's like here.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is what a Monday looks like.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's an Evelyn day.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's an Evelyn day, at last.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Oh gosh, at long last.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's like it feels like these only come around once a week, you know?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: At most.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: At most.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready for this one?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm ready.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: I've looked, I've been looking forward to this.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I know, me too.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Me too, because I actually have a prompt today and I'm not gonna be like faffing around during this call hoping I can cobble something together like this.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: Celebrate that.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Oh gosh, you and me both.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: So, Nick, I want to tell you about the worst shower I've ever taken.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: All right, I'm ready.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I was staying at staying at a relative's house, and this this relative will remain unnamed until after we are done recording, and I will happily share with you.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: But for the purpose of this call, um, I'm going to.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna get a call.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna get a call from your relative being like, it wasn't that much piss.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll be like, uh, I didn't think I didn't think you that's that's your opinion.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: It was my feet.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um so I'm gonna protect their privacy.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, but I do want to tell you, and I I don't consider myself a big snob or really picky, but I will say this was one of those showers where I just it was always a quick in and out, if and when I had to use it.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't always feel clean, my level of comfort clean in the shower.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: The water pressure was the worst.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like that, and that to me can kill a whole vibe.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if you have right piddly, wimpy water pressure, like why even I might as well just have someone throw handfuls of water out there.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: Go die.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: That's my like just end it.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: Just just have the guts to call it a day.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, we have strong feelings.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: But if you if you have strong feelings about um about showers reactions about showers, be right-sized reactions to to water pressure.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: To water pressure, you can email us at reversejackassidgmail.com.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Whoa.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know when you're showering, I don't know if you've had this experience, you're showering somewhere, it's unfamiliar, but kind of familiar, but it's not yours, it's not comfortable.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: And somehow in the middle of the shower, like you're getting increasingly aware of every single surface you're touching.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, oh, I'm touching the floor.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, the shower curtain like like slapped against my leg a little bit, or like I brushed against the wall.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: And and so I'm trying to keep myself contained in this shower, okay?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like, like column-like.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I I often would shower with one foot standing on top of the other, because I just was like, I just need to get the pits and the the hair and the necessary areas, and then I'm gonna get out of here.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: So that was this kind of situation.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: I did not enjoy myself.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm in there, I'm in the shower, I'm committed, naked, soaped up, lathered hair, and I'm vulnerable, and I'm just getting trying to get through the next four minutes.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: But then the bathroom door flings open.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: It's the police, and they're hopping mad.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I thought you were gonna say and they're hot, and I was gonna be like hot cops.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: The top cops, hot cops with their their cops shirts, yeah.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: They're unbuttoned almost to their nables.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um they're wearing little hoochie shorts.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, yeah.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: All those sneakers, yeah.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Uh no, the door flings wide open, and it was a knock and walk.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: So it was like knocking the door while we're opening it, right?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: We're coming in.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: And someone is like, uh, can I come in?
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: I need to use the toilet.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to I want to do a quick blueprint of this bathroom for you so you understand the layout.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to picture a small rectangular room with the door on one end and the shower on the other end.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: The shower was at the far end.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Beside the shower is a toilet.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Then there's a vanity with a sink, and then there's the door.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: So once you're in the shower, you are held captive by this entire bathroom the entire time.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: So the knock and walk comes in, and I will repeat that the toilet is right beside the shower.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of those tub showers with the curtains and the shower curtain on it.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: And in burst my relative.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: And this person knows I'm in the shower.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like the water's running.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: The water's running, yeah.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: They knocked.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, there's a lot of context clues, yeah.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Knocked and and and ran.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Is this a one-bathroom house situation?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I was gonna get to that.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: This home has one bathroom, which, if anything gives me anxiety in any space, it's having one bathroom for more than two people.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: I right real problem.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's a problem.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Even two is really how to get close.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that second person needs to be someone who we're gonna get to know each other pretty fast, right?
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like you have to be comfortable because because you have to just live your life.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: So the only way I can explain the urgency that this person was experiencing was some kind of gastrointestinal DEF CON 5 kind of situation.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because they needed to urgently use the toilet.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: And while they're asking, can I come in?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: I need to use the toilet, the toilet was all they were already here.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: The toilet was waving a white flag like I've never seen before.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's just cracking, just falling apart, shattering.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: I smell smoke.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: So before I have time to fully understand what's happening, I need you to understand that I am less than one foot away from this toilet, and all that's separating me is a small curtain.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: And there is now explosive diarrhea happening.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: And what and what are they doing?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: Nice, nice.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: That was really, really good.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: That was really good.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: They're having explosive diarrhea, and there's some there's some grunting, and I am saying, I'm saying, so they're not just using the bathroom, they're suffering.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: They are.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I like, I'm like, are you okay?
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, are you okay?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a lot of like, like a lot of, and I'm just like, I don't know what to do.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: So now I'm I'm standing there soaking wet behind this curtain.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm listening to things, like the sounds.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds like someone's throwing a chili cook off off the side of the Hoover Dam.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's just wow.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's just something else.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm smelling things, I'm smelling things, and I have a really sensitive nose.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like Jay refers to me having a bloodhound nose because I can sniff at like anything will hit me.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Stuff no one else smells.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: I corpse, a corpse, I'll be like a missing child.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: All the stuff bloodhounds like someone died.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Someone died today in Toronto, two hours away from me.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: I can smell it.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I'm sorry.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: Is that a beginning strip?
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: I'll answer my own question.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's a beginning strip.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's a beginning strip.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: What did you eat today?
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, did you like load up on kale or something?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like you got those nutrients floating around.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: You're you got a lot of zingers today.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, thank you.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's insufferable.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: My favorite part of our friendship is that we can give and receive constructive criticism so easily.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: Well, nothing is as nothing is as constructive as being called insufferable, I'll tell you.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's true.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Well, don't worry.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure you'll I'm sure you'll get me back at some point when I least expect it.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: Prob possibly, uh possibly when you're in the only bathroom in whatever structure you're in.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: I see this, I see this happening.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: The door blows open and I don't know who it is.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I say, are you okay?
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: And all I hear is whip, whip, whah, whip, whing.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yours is better.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, it's Nick.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, okay, so the situation's over, right?
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: They have finished.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I hear the sink, the flush and the sink.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then what happens is the room spray happens.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, there is a fan in this bathroom.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: Debatably should have happened from jump.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: Should have happened while they were having diarrhea.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_01: Should have been pressing that button, right?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Should have been any other time.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: No, you're sitting on the toilet with another person in the room.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's unavoidable.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: That sucks.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: But you should have that can in your hand just fogging the room, right?
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: Let me let me actually just put a put a little plug in here for gross for poopourry.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever used it?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's amazing, it's the best stuff ever because you put that stuff in before you go.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, I find my bloodhound nose can actually be like, you know what, that that actually did a really good job.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: So anyone out there works for corpses too.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: Works for you just spray that on someone before you kill them, and you're gonna be fine.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna be fine.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: They pull out a bottle of something I want to say that might have been purchased at the dollar store.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: No, cognac would have set that room on fire.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: So they pull they pull out something from the dollar store that was very like vanilla floral grandma's grandma kind of smell, and they sprayed it everywhere in that bathroom.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: And so now the hot, humid bathroom doesn't smell just like liquid feces.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: It smells like it smells like vanilla flour, and it's directly into my lungs.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: The room is like, it's like uh really like steamy in there.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: It was really hot.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: It smells like poop, it smells like what someone at Dollarama headquarters said.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: I think this is kind of like vanilla.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: And for the rest of your life, I'm going to remind you that you described this as steamy and hot.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you can.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: Let me tell you about the steemiest and hottest situation.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's what I should have introduced.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: Let me tell you about the steamiest, hottest shower I've ever had.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: That would have been such a better hook than what I did.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, maybe I'll go back.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I'll no, I won't.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: I won't.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: I want the odd, I want our listeners to see our process.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: On the ride, yeah.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think it's fair.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm trying not to barf.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I still haven't like I haven't finished my shower.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: There's probably still soap in crevices.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: I have to abandon ship at this point.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: And then my relative leaves.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like they're gone at this point.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: They the door is closed.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: They took a really bad situation and actually made it worse.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: And people may be like listening to this going, why didn't you lock the door?
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: Why didn't why was that's a hell of a question?
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I ask myself that every day during my EMDR sessions with my therapist.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: So my question for you, Nick, is what is a time when you've seen someone try to make a terrible situation better, but they actually made it so much worse.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_01: That's a good that's a really good prompt.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: When have I seen somebody to try try to make something better and made it way or you?
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, or me.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: I mean I have to be the number one candidate here for this.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really proud of this prompt, by the way, because I feel like my last few have suffered.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: But this I forgot about this story and I was like, it's it's time.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: It is time.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody tried to make something better.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, did I just see a light bulb go off?
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, here is an embarrassing I'm 28, I think.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's mortifying.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_01: It was the worst.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: There is a woman that I've been interested in for a while who I am sort of dating, sort of, like just casually.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: She lives I lived in Illinois, she lived in Indiana, super cool, nice person.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: Came out and visited, and this is the story is going to strain credulity, but I swear to god it happened.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we knew each other, but you know, the the relationship like kind of never got off the ground.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: Part of it was that I met the woman I would marry in the middle of it ultimately, and you know, had to make some tough choices.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_01: But nothing wrong with this person.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_01: Totally neat, fun, smart, funny, cool, you know, amazing.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: And one of the things that used to happen to me a lot when I was a smoker was my circulation would get bad, and my arms would often fall asleep while I was asleep.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_01: Oh and I don't mean like pins and needles.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like more often than not, I would wake up in the morning with one or both of my arms immobile, unable to move or experience sensation.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_01: Often.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_01: Is that like a legit side effect of smoking?
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: The circulation thing is where it would happen for me that is that where what yeah, I'm more likely to do it, is I often sleep on my stomach with my arms under my pillow.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so the result is that position lead lends me to being able to have that happen.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_01: That being said, I still sleep that way and I don't smoke anymore, and now my arms are never asleep when I wake up.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_01: But it was often that one or both of them would be all the way asleep.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: And again, I want to be clear with this not a little asleep, not a little tingly, like absolutely nothing going on, and I have to, I have to like wait for the circulation to return.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: Whoa.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: So this this woman comes over to my place to visit me, and we have a lovely time and a lovely night.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: And I liked this person.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_01: I was romantically interested in this person.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_01: We hadn't gone anywhere, but she slept over, right?
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: It was like very innocent and very like, you know, getting to know each other.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_01: But she lived in a different state, so she came over and stayed over and slept in the bed next to me, right?
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_01: So like we woke up, but it wasn't like it.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: We woke up and our clothes were all over the floor.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_01: We woke up, clothed, like two people getting to know each other, and it was fine.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, Oh, it's my left arm.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: She was laying down to my left.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm on my back.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: My left arm is asleep.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, Oh, my arm is doing that thing.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: And she says, What is it?
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, Oh, my circulation's pretty bad because I smoke, and sometimes my arms fall asleep and they're just dead.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I picked up my arm and to show it to her and I let it go.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_01: It just, it just fully backhanded her in the face.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean, like, it was just a dead arm, and it just fell like she was laying to my left.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_01: I let it, and it just wonk, and it was like it hit her in the nose, and she goes, What the fuck?
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I I saw my life flash before my eyes.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_01: I was positive I was going to jail.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, oh my god, I oh my god, I'm so sorry.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_01: Oh god, oh god, oh god, okay.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: And she's holding her nose, and I'm like, oh, is her nose broken?
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_01: Is she gonna bleed?
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_01: She her nose wasn't broken, she didn't bleed, it was fine.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: But it was one of those things where like she's like, oh, uh, oh god, like she obviously was hurt.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_01: I felt terrible, and but admittedly, as bad as I felt for her, I was positive I was going to jail.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_01: I was positive.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, positive, positive that I was going to jail.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, No, I'm I'm so sorry.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_01: My my arm, it just it falls asleep.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_01: And then I don't know exactly how I did this, but I picked it up and it fell again and hit her in the face again.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_01: I was like trying to explain her what happened, and I backhanded the same woman in the face a second time.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I swear to God, I swear, I swear on Kurt Cobain's grave, I have those are the two times in my life that I've ever backhanded another human being, let alone a woman in my life.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_01: Never, it's not a part of my repertoire.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I did it twice in the same two minutes to the same person who I was romantically interested in.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, What the fuck?
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_01: Why do you keep doing this?
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: He was, I know, she was fine in the end.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_01: But that was one of those things where I thought I had a really bad situation, and I tried to make it better by explaining it and ended up hitting her in the face a second time.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, I married a different woman who you have yet to backhand.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_01: Not once, and I never will.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_01: I never quit smoking at her behest.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_01: So maybe, maybe that was self-preservation on her part.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe she saw the writing on the wall, or maybe it was just me saying, you know what, I could possibly survive some kind of smoking-related illness, but I cannot morally, emotionally, psychologically survive backhanding another woman in the face.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: No, and I think, you know, having spent time with Amber, I think that if you had done this same move, like, no, look, my arm's asleep.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: I wonder if her reflex would have been to snap you your arm at the elbow.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, Amber is patient and kind.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't, I think different stages in Amber's life would be different in how she responded to it.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_01: I suspect she would have done exactly what this woman did, which was be hurt and upset and frustrated.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_01: The good news is, for better or for worse, no one has ever questioned whether I meant to do it.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_01: And just in case somebody in the listening audience is, I swear to God, I didn't mean to do it.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_01: It was a total fucking accident.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_01: But twice, twice I did it.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_01: That's the part of the story that will haunt me until the day I die.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_01: It happened one time because I had a sleep arm.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_01: The second time, less than two minutes from the first, happened because I learned so little the first time.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: Is this at all a metaphor for your life?
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: At more, you know, like a greater, a greater metaphor?
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, do you find that you often need a second time around at something to learn?
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_01: I might say it's a metaphor for my life in that I would say that I often don't get better the second time around.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_01: I would say if I fail at something the first time, I'm likely to continue failing at it.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, interesting.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_01: Okay over and over again.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's, you know, my I guess my thought is it's it's on the same, maybe in the same arena of why I didn't lock the bathroom door.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: But the same thought of my my thought for you here is why did you like knowing that where you let your arm drop was in line with her face, why you didn't pick a different angle to drop your arm?
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because I just woke up.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like I mean, and because I'm stupid, I don't know.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, that's probably the real answer if that's the answer you want to hear.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_01: Because I'm a stupid person, and I was even stupider back then.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I why did I do it?
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_01: I don't I don't know why I backhanded that lady in the face two times.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_01: That was a mistake.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: That was a real bad mistake.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, exactly.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_01: Trust me, I imagined this deposition many times over the course of the ensuing years.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_01: I, you know, Freud said there were no mistakes.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: Mistakes.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: If anything in the whole history of the world is proof that in fact there are mistakes, this was it.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_01: Because I would give anything and would have given anything for this not to happen.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_01: But now but it did happen.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_01: She, as far as I know, is doing great.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm doing great.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_01: No sustained and no real injuries were sustained.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: She is a successful plastic surgeon who focuses on rhinoplasty.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_01: She helps women who have met guys like me.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: She she works.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: She works days at a plastic surgeon's office and nights at a battered women's shelter.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_01: She she she has been through it.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: She sees it all.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: She sees you where you're at.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_01: And from where she's going, listen to him make fucking excuses.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_01: Listen to his bullshit, not my fault.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm the victim here.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, look at how look at how sad I was when I hit that woman twice.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I hope no one grabs that audio clip for you.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: Look at how sad I was when I hit that woman twice.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: Also, you saying that that's what she's thinking implies that she has stuck with this podcast for almost 80 episodes so far to get to this point.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I don't even know if she's ever even heard this podcast.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what?
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_01: If you're out there, I'm sure you remember it.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm still really, really sorry.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_01: But you know, the up there's actually an epilogue to that story.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it which is that after we stopped dating, but before I left, she I met her cat and I loved her cat.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_01: And she had to rehouse rehome him.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_01: And so I took him, and that was actually Chip.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I had Chip for God, I don't know, like 10, 10 or 11 years maybe after that.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe maybe more, actually.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I had Chip for years after that, and he was, you know, he was like one of the most important members of my family.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so you know, everything the point is everything worked out.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but I would love, I would have loved for everything to work out without that happening.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_01: And that was the time that came to mind where I was trying to make something really bad better, and I made it 100% worse.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: You actually did.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's I'm really impressed that that story fits the prompt perfectly.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like that is a slip your foot in the slipper and it just slides right in.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_01: That was call me Cinderella, motherfucker.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's a little glass slipper in a size men's 12.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_01: A men's men's ten wide, ten and a half wide.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: Ten wide.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_01: Ten and a half wide, the uh the classic glass slipper dimensions.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's good.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's fine.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, Nick, that was so great.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: I also want to clarify that I don't actually think your wife, Amber, who we love, would not actually break your arm.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: I do not know she's gracious.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_01: She's gracious.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_01: She's gracious.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_01: Do I but I think she could.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: I don't hopefully we'll never know.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_00: But I would like to think there's always a little bit of fear in you for that she might have that power.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_01: I think uh Amber's brain is so powerful that like she'll never have to resort to that because she's so emotionally and psychologically powerful.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: She could break your arm with her whole brain.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: Well, there you have it, folks.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: If you're out there trying to make a bad situation better, maybe it's good to just take a beat before you backhand someone in the face or reach for the vanilla fields.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_01: Let me use the last 30 seconds to say one way you can make a bad situation better is to quit smoking.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_01: I know it's delicious.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_01: I know they're fun and they make you look cool.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and they're a delight and they make your body feel better.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_01: They look good in photographs, they taste great.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, you can have a whole bunch of them all at one time.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_01: They sell them in packs of 20.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_01: I know that everything about cigarettes is great and they'll kill you dead, and they might, they might, might incite you to domestic violence.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you're thinking about quitting smoking, today's the day.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, man.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: You just sold me on it.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna go buy a pack after this.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_01: Uh with that voice, I'll come up there and kill you myself.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_01: With that voice, I don't know.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_01: No, I just mean you have a beautiful singing voice.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm not you're not gonna you're not gonna sacrifice that at the altar of big tobacco.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_01: Oh absolutely not.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_00: I love a good raspy ballad.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_01: There's only one way to get it.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_01: Have you never heard of a little thing called affectation?
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I have, but I want the chemicals.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_01: That's fair.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, Nick, thank you for sharing your story.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for your vulnerability, thank you for not actually committing domestic violence, and thank you for quitting smoking because that means we probably just can squeeze a few more reverse jackass episodes out of you before the Grim Reaper comes for you.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone, we hope you have a great day.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: We love you so much.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: Please like, listen, subscribe, all the good things that you can do here.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: And we just can't wait to see you next time because you know the next episode is a Nick episode, and literally no one knows.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_00: Not even I, and probably not even Nick, where that's gonna go.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_01: That's fair.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_00: Some neighbors are besties, others quarrel bitterly.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_00: Stuck together through geography.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_01: One of us has nukes, and the other has tokes.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's American Canadian diplomacy.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's reverse