Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #268 I’m Fat - No You’re Not

Transcript

#268 I’m Fat - No You’re Not · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
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Speaker 2: Now, when parents make comments about their children's weight, that
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Speaker 2: actually reduces the likelihood that the child will exercise, and
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Speaker 2: it increases the likelihood that child is going to overeat,
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Speaker 2: especially around unhealthy foods.
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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, My mum
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Speaker 1: and dad.
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Speaker 2: Hello, I'm justin and I'm coing. You weren't expecting that
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Speaker 2: if Night and we are the cousins, were behind happy
0:32
Speaker 2: families dot com dot you, and we do everything we
0:34
Speaker 2: can to help make your family happier. I've written a
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Speaker 2: bunch of books about how to do that. And Kylie
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Speaker 2: Mum to our six daughters. You can ask your questions
0:43
Speaker 2: and once a week we do our best to be
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Speaker 2: as helpful as possible in responding to them. You send
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Speaker 2: the emails to podcasts at happy families dot com dot you.
0:52
Speaker 2: That's podcasts with an s, podcasts at happy families dot
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Speaker 2: com dot you. Michelle, send us an email and ask
0:59
Speaker 2: for some help, and we're going to do our best.
1:01
Speaker 2: With a very serious conversation.
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Speaker 3: Today, Michelle's got a question about body image. She says,
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Speaker 3: my daughter is eight years old, and she said she's
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Speaker 3: fat a number of times and has been very self
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Speaker 3: conscious about herself and bathe this over the past summer.
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Speaker 3: I have no idea where it has come from, as
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Speaker 3: I am very careful and do not talk about my
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Speaker 3: and other people's weight or looks, not that it matters.
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Speaker 3: But she is not overweight at all, nor is anyone
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Speaker 3: in our family. I've read things about body image and
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Speaker 3: kids before, but I would love a refresher and something
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Speaker 3: from your point of view.
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Speaker 2: Okay, so I'm sure you've got plenty to say about it,
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Speaker 2: because you're a mum and we've got six daughters. I've
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Speaker 2: got heaps to say on this because I researched it
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Speaker 2: intently when I wrote misconnection. But before we do that,
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Speaker 2: I just want to make a short note for any
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Speaker 2: parents that are listening to this. When we're talking about
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Speaker 2: body image issues, and particularly the heavier things around anarexia, bolimia,
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Speaker 2: body dysmorphia and other eating disorders, that's well beyond the
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Speaker 2: scope of this conversation. There are loads of excellent resources
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Speaker 2: available if you fear that you need them, but I
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Speaker 2: would say get professional help. It's also worth highlighting that
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Speaker 2: body image issues can lead to anarexia and other issues.
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Speaker 2: Anarexia has the highest mortality rate of any disorder in
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Speaker 2: the DSM five, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual basically the
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Speaker 2: Bible psychologists. So the consequences can be severe. If you're
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Speaker 2: genuinely worried about body image issues, definitely worth talking to
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Speaker 2: a mental health or a medical professional about it. With
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Speaker 2: that disclaimer, let's talk about it. What are your thoughts
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Speaker 2: when you hear Michelle's question.
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Speaker 3: I don't think I know a single woman who has
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Speaker 3: not at some point struggled with her own body image.
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Speaker 3: You know, as mums, our bodies are consistently and constantly changing,
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Speaker 3: and some of those changes we welcome, and some of
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Speaker 3: them we really struggle with. And as I've read Michelle's question,
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Speaker 3: it occurred to me that, regardless of how conscious we
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Speaker 3: are of making sure we actually don't, you know, talk
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Speaker 3: about weight or point out other people's features and things
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Speaker 3: like that, our children are being bombarded with this message
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Speaker 3: through media, through the playground, because whether you're being conscious
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Speaker 3: about it, other people aren't. You know, children are teasing
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Speaker 3: the playground all the time about being fat or chubby
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Speaker 3: or this is an age old thing. This is not new.
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Speaker 2: The concern that I have is that we send a
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Speaker 2: message to primarily to girls. It doesn't happen with men
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Speaker 2: or males in any degree of not even close, not
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Speaker 2: even within the same galaxy as it does for females,
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Speaker 2: that their worth is indexed to the size of their genes,
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Speaker 2: that their worth as a human being comes down to
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Speaker 2: their physical appearance. And it's just so wrong. When I
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Speaker 2: wrote Misconnection, I did a survey, interviewed girls, did focus groups,
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Speaker 2: have conversations with parents, teachers. Of the three hundred and
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Speaker 2: sixty seven girls that I surveyed, who actually answered the
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Speaker 2: question about what's the hardest thing about being a teenage girl,
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Speaker 2: two hundred and fifty one of them, sixty eight percent
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Speaker 2: of them said body image. So friends was at the
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Speaker 2: top of the list, and body image it was in
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Speaker 2: the top three for pretty much all of them. This
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Speaker 2: is a massive issue, And as Michelle has said, this
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Speaker 2: starts at the age of well, this is an eight
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Speaker 2: year old who's saying I'm fat.
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Speaker 3: It's devastating at that stage. That's a huge concern for
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Speaker 3: an eight year old.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, have a listened to this. I'm going to read
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Speaker 2: just about sixty seconds eighty seconds from my book Misconnection,
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Speaker 2: in the chapter that I called pixel perfect because it
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Speaker 2: puts it into perspective just how serious this issue is
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Speaker 2: as a female issue. The desire to be hot is
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Speaker 2: almost entirely women's issue, especially when it comes to taking
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Speaker 2: serious measures to improve one's appearance. Internationally, close to ninety
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Speaker 2: percent of cosmetic procedures are performed on women, ninety percent.
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Speaker 2: Pause for a moment and ask yourself who's more likely
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Speaker 2: to experience anerexiro bolimia. Your immediate response would be girls
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Speaker 2: and women, and you'd be right to expect that at
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Speaker 2: least seventy percent of cases of female Reading about what
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Speaker 2: the girls I surveyed said about their bodies and hearing
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Speaker 2: how the girls openly spoke to me about body image
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Speaker 2: issues made one point unmistakable. When it comes to how
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Speaker 2: appearance impacts my life, my experience is breathtakingly different to
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Speaker 2: that of a woman's. I want to read the results
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Speaker 2: of a study here. The World Health Organization conducted a
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Speaker 2: survey of more than two hundred thousand people in forty
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Speaker 2: two countries. In every single country, girls at age fifteen
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Speaker 2: were more likely than boys were to report that they
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Speaker 2: were fat, This is despite the fact that the boys
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Speaker 2: were actually more likely to be overweight. In other words,
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Speaker 2: gender predicts who will feel fat better than it predicts
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Speaker 2: who will be fat. More generally, the beauty ideal and
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Speaker 2: the body image issues actually work howter to healthy physical development.
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Speaker 2: As boys enter puberty, their bodies change in ways that
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Speaker 2: align with society's ideal. The shoulders broadened, they gain muscle mass,
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Speaker 2: they become more ideally manly. Suddenly boys are winning, and
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Speaker 2: they didn't do anything to find themselves in that position
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Speaker 2: except to stay alive. On the other hand, as girls
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Speaker 2: progress into puberty, they're hips widen, they often gain weight
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Speaker 2: around their thighs. It's normal and natural that they do this,
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Speaker 2: but we live in a society that says it's not.
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Speaker 2: Girls therefore move away from the ideal as they experience
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Speaker 2: natural development. According to this unfair and unhealthy beauty ideal,
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Speaker 2: healthy girls are losing just by developing naturally.
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Speaker 3: I know that this is a predominantly female challenge, but
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Speaker 3: I think it's really important to highlight that boys do
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Speaker 3: go through this process as well.
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Speaker 2: They do, just not nearly to the same extent. Regardless
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Speaker 2: of whether it's a male or a female. Though if
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Speaker 2: we've got a child with a body image concern, which
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Speaker 2: is highly likely if we've got girls, and it is
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Speaker 2: possible and does happen when we've got boys, we need
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Speaker 2: to know how to deal with it. So let's talk
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Speaker 2: about the best way to respond in just a second.
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Speaker 1: In fact, Happy Families podcast.
7:02
Speaker 4: Are Screens Creating Tension at home Tweens, Teens and Screens
7:06
Speaker 4: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe superscreen solutions.
7:11
Speaker 4: Bye today at happyfamilies dot com dot AU slash shop.
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Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
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Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now and today we
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Speaker 3: are answering Michelle's question on podcasts at Happy families dot
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Speaker 3: com dot A.
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Speaker 2: You Yeah, the question is about body image. Got an
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Speaker 2: eight year old daughter saying that she's fat, keeps on
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Speaker 2: talking about it, Mum, I'm so fat, I need to
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Speaker 2: lose weight. I'm not happy about my parents. What do
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Speaker 2: I do?
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Speaker 3: So? What can Michelle do?
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Speaker 2: How can we help?
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Speaker 4: Well?
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Speaker 2: I think that the first thing that we need to
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Speaker 2: really be aware of is there is now substantial research.
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Speaker 2: In fact, there's been research around for a few years
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Speaker 2: that highlights that talking about bodyweight does not help things.
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Speaker 2: I was on the Today Show several years ago, and
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Speaker 2: I won't name the hosts who asked me the question,
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Speaker 2: but he actually said, if you've got a kid who fat,
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Speaker 2: surely you need to tell them you're overweight. You need
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Speaker 2: to do something about it. My response was very clear.
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Speaker 2: I won't mention his name, but I said, they already
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Speaker 2: know that they're fat. They don't need to be told,
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Speaker 2: and what the research tells us. In fact, a study
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Speaker 2: from the Journal of Health Psychology just a few years
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Speaker 2: ago showed that when parents make comments about their children's weight,
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Speaker 2: that actually reduces the likelihood that the child will exercise,
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Speaker 2: and it increases the likelihood that child is going to overeat,
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Speaker 2: especially around unhealthy foods. There is no benefit whatsoever to
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Speaker 2: talking to a child and saying you need to lose weight,
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Speaker 2: you're overweight, there's a weight issue. Now, it sounds like
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Speaker 2: in Michelle's case, that's not even what's going on. This
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Speaker 2: is a child who is not overweight anyway, but she
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Speaker 2: feels like she is, which goes back to that World
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Speaker 2: Health Organization study that I mentioned. So I reckon, there's
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Speaker 2: a handful of things that we can do and I'm
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Speaker 2: sure that you'll have some ideas as well. I've got
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Speaker 2: five ideas that I'm going to share. Number one, we've
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Speaker 2: got to be an example. We simply have got to
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Speaker 2: stop talking about appearance, full stop. End of story. You know,
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Speaker 2: when you catch up with a friend, you say, wow,
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Speaker 2: you look great. Oh, you don't look like you've aged
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Speaker 2: at all, or gee, you're looking really fit, you're looking
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Speaker 2: really trim, or maybe we don't say anything when we
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Speaker 2: see them because they're not looking that great. And then
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Speaker 2: we get back into the car and we say to
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Speaker 2: our husband or our partner, oh my goodness, can you
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Speaker 2: believe how much weight she's put in the last few years.
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Speaker 2: And the kids sitting in the backseat they hear that conversation.
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Speaker 2: We can't get together with our girlfriends or our mates
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Speaker 2: and say, oh, gee whiz, I had a bad weekend.
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Speaker 2: Over on the weekend, I add a bit too much cake,
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Speaker 2: I did a bit too much lazing around and went
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Speaker 2: too hard on the calories. When we have that conversation,
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Speaker 2: we teach our children all the wrong things. So that's
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Speaker 2: the first one. We've got to be an example. Number two,
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Speaker 2: we've got to forget this concept of media literacy. You know,
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Speaker 2: everyone's saying, oh, you've got to show the kids the
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Speaker 2: photo shopping. You've got to talk to them about the
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Speaker 2: makeup artists and the money and the lighting, and we've
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Speaker 2: got to deconstruct the imagery that we're seeing. There's no
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Speaker 2: research that actually supports that as a useful idea. In fact,
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Speaker 2: it's an unhealthy idea. Why let me ask you, what
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Speaker 2: are you focusing on when you're looking at the image
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Speaker 2: and deconstructing it that.
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Speaker 3: They've improved it?
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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, And when kids look at those images, they
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Speaker 2: know photoshops a thing, They know that there's filters, they
10:18
Speaker 2: know how snapchat and Instagram work. They get it, but
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Speaker 2: that doesn't stop them aspiring for it. They know that
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Speaker 2: it's fake, but they still want to look like that.
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Speaker 2: In other words, when you're saying here's all the fake stuff,
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Speaker 2: they're saying, yeah, yeah, I know it's fake, but it
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Speaker 2: looks good. It looks good, and I'm focusing on the appearance.
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Speaker 2: Media literacy stuff doesn't help. It actually undermines the very
10:37
Speaker 2: thing that we're trying to do. The third thing that
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Speaker 2: I would say is we want to talk to our
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Speaker 2: kids not about how they look, but about what their
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Speaker 2: bodies can do. I love this one focus on function
10:48
Speaker 2: not form. In fact, I'm doing a presentation today at
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Speaker 2: a school in Brisbane, and while I don't talk to
10:55
Speaker 2: students a lot, I'm going to be talking to students
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Speaker 2: about this particular issue. I'm at a girls school. It's
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Speaker 2: a really lovely school in the inner suburbs of Brisbane,
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Speaker 2: and we're going to be talking about body image because
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Speaker 2: I'm talking to girls and the thing that I'm going
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Speaker 2: to be talking to them about specifically is how they
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Speaker 2: can be happy. And we're going to talk about their bodies.
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Speaker 2: I'm going to talk to them about function versus form,
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Speaker 2: and I'm basically going to say I just want you
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Speaker 2: to put up your hand or keep a tally. We're
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Speaker 2: going to kind of play body bingo. If your body
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Speaker 2: can do this? Can your body drive a car? Can
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Speaker 2: your body rock climb? Can you have you done the macarina?
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Speaker 2: Can you turn your ride lids inside out? Can you
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Speaker 2: pat a dolphin? Have you made something that you're proud of?
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Speaker 2: Can you raise one eyebrow? Have you rolled down a
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Speaker 2: hill with your body? Have you used your body to
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Speaker 2: run five k's? Have you used a body to give
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Speaker 2: a massage like you get the idea, can you use
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Speaker 2: your body to twitch your nose, or swim in the ocean,
11:45
Speaker 2: or do a cartwheel, or lick your elbow, or have
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Speaker 2: a pillow fight or do the splits. And obviously we
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Speaker 2: can't do all of these things. Not everyone can do
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Speaker 2: all this stuff. But when we focus on what our
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Speaker 2: body can do, we forget about what it looks like.
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Speaker 2: Can you push your little sister on a swing? Can
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Speaker 2: you walk the dog with your dad? It's a much
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Speaker 2: more productive conversation to have with our children focus on function,
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Speaker 2: not form.
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Speaker 3: I think it flows in really nicely to this idea
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Speaker 3: of helping our children to find their strengths and recognize
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Speaker 3: their strengths. And we do those most of the time.
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Speaker 3: Our strengths come as a result of the way we
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Speaker 3: use our bodies. And I love when we are able
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Speaker 3: to have conversations with our children about those strengths, about
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Speaker 3: things that their body does that allows them to live
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Speaker 3: fulfilling lives.
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Speaker 2: It's never about how they look. The next thing that
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Speaker 2: I would say is, as the parent, you have an
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Speaker 2: opportunity to mold and shape the activities that your child's
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Speaker 2: engaged in. And so while I'm not going to suggest
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Speaker 2: that you make sure that they go and start doing
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Speaker 2: park runs on the weekend and get the five k's
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Speaker 2: in every Saturday morning, or that you do anything over
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Speaker 2: the top. You do have some say in how they engage,
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Speaker 2: who they engage with, where they engage, in what they do.
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Speaker 2: So i'd be say, reduce screens because that displaces physical activity.
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Speaker 2: Find opportunities for them to do physical activity with another person,
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Speaker 2: whether it's you or whether it's your partner, whether it's
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Speaker 2: their siblings, whether it's their friends. Get them on the
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Speaker 2: bike and let them right around the neighborhood like that
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Speaker 2: just doesn't happen in Australian neighborhoods anymore, and it should
13:18
Speaker 2: be happening. Yesterday I sent the kids to the park.
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Speaker 2: I said, guys, just go down to the park. There's
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Speaker 2: a couple of big kids and there's a couple of
13:25
Speaker 2: little kids. You'll be fine. I'ld join you in about
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Speaker 2: twenty minutes. I've got a few more jobs to do
13:28
Speaker 2: and then I'll be there and then you and I
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Speaker 2: walked down to the park and spend a few minutes
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Speaker 2: with them during the afternoon, to just have that time
13:35
Speaker 2: with them, get them using their bodies. They don't have
13:38
Speaker 2: to be involved in formal squad training in the pool,
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Speaker 2: although that's great. They just need to be out and
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Speaker 2: active and off their screens. You know.
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Speaker 3: One of the things that we noticed a little while
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Speaker 3: ago and we did a move, was we'd come from
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Speaker 3: a really active neighborhood where the kids were out and
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Speaker 3: about every afternoon, and then we came into a neighborhood
13:57
Speaker 3: where there just was no children out and about in
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Speaker 3: the afternoon. And over a period of time, we recognized
14:03
Speaker 3: that we'd become quite sedentary in the way we were
14:05
Speaker 3: living life, and so we recognized that it was something
14:09
Speaker 3: that we kind of all needed to work on. And
14:13
Speaker 3: so the conversation we had around the dinner table was
14:15
Speaker 3: that we wanted to move our bodies more. That we
14:17
Speaker 3: wanted to, you know, kind of give our bodies movement
14:21
Speaker 3: and be more conscious in the choices we were making
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Speaker 3: to have a healthy body. And so our conversations around
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Speaker 3: the dinner table were, let's have a look at what
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Speaker 3: we're eating, and let's have a look at the kinds
14:33
Speaker 3: of activities that we're doing, and how we could use
14:35
Speaker 3: our bodies better.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, we probably need to have another one of those
14:37
Speaker 2: conversations based on all the cake that we ate over
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Speaker 2: the weekend. The last point that I'll make it relates
14:43
Speaker 2: to that, and that is that we if we're going
14:46
Speaker 2: to be talking about diet, and I don't recommend it,
14:48
Speaker 2: but if we're going to talk about diet, I would
14:50
Speaker 2: say avoid any diet that's focused on weight reduction. Instead,
14:56
Speaker 2: conversations should be what can we do to have more
14:59
Speaker 2: food in our diet that makes us feel vital and energized.
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Speaker 3: I think the only thing I'd add to that is
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Speaker 3: it's just so important that as adults, in our little
15:10
Speaker 3: people's lives, that we stop talking about what we look like,
15:13
Speaker 3: what others look like, and focus on what our bodies
15:17
Speaker 3: are doing. I mean, it's what you've already said, but
15:20
Speaker 3: just an acknowledgment that as adults, it's so easy for
15:22
Speaker 3: us to fall into the trap of being flabbergasted when
15:26
Speaker 3: we see someone and we haven't seen them for so
15:27
Speaker 3: long and they have put on weight or they've changed so,
15:31
Speaker 3: you know, the receding hairline or they've gone gray or.
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Speaker 2: Whatever it is.
15:34
Speaker 3: We are so focused on physical appearance.
15:38
Speaker 2: Yeah, don't focus on the physical, don't focus on the superficial.
15:40
Speaker 2: We really hope that this has been a useful conversation
15:42
Speaker 2: for you. You can get more info about everything we've discussed
15:45
Speaker 2: in my book Misconnection, Why your teenage doughder Hates You
15:48
Speaker 2: Expects the World needs to Talk in chapter four, Pixel Perfect.
15:52
Speaker 2: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruhlon from
15:56
Speaker 2: Bridge Media, and we get all of our great ideas
15:58
Speaker 2: and advice from Craig Bruce, He's our executive producer. If
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Speaker 2: you'd like to know more about how you can make
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Speaker 2: your family happier, We've got this really cool Facebook page
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