Latest / Miles Behind Miles Ahead / A Survivor's Story, and the Road to Advocacy

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A Survivor's Story, and the Road to Advocacy · Miles Behind Miles Ahead

• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: This podcast is meant to be about the journeys from life-changing setbacks to restoration.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: This journey takes on many forms and encompasses many different stories and topics, including addiction, prison, abuse, loss, illness, and other setbacks.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: The primary message is not so much the setbacks, but the personal, mental, spiritual, societal, physical, and other forms of recovery needed to emerge from these challenges.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: We'll explore our personal journeys to celebrate those away from the personal struggles.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Come on on the other side of the heavy metal.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: This is meant to be a message of the overriding theme.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: That it is not the falls that define us, but rather the getting them.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Thus the title Miles Behind, Miles Ahead.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: The music is lasting memories by Scott Holmes.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Hello everybody, and good to be back again.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: We have uh uh another guest.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um I'd like to introduce you to Melody.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Melody Smith.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: I always want to say Melanie, but it's a Melody.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: And um I'm gonna uh go ahead, uh welcome Melody.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Glad to have you, first of all.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you for having me.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: We're glad you're here.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um it takes a lot of courage to do what you're doing, so we appreciate it.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um would could you tell us a little bit about yourself?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Let's just hop right in.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_03: All right, well, my name is Melody Smith.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_03: Um I was born in um Cheerall, South Carolina.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_03: I was raised um in High Point, North Carolina.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_03: Um, I came to High Point when I was probably about seven months.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_03: Um my mother, she had eight children.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_03: I'm her seventh child.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_03: Um I am an author.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_03: I have a book called Um He Was There All the Time, The Battles for My Life.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_03: I am also um the founder of a support group called Inspire Women of Destiny.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_03: It's a support group for young women who've been in domestic violence relationships.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_03: Um it was established in 2007.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_03: Um also I am um I'm a domestic violence um, I wouldn't say a survivor, but I'm a um domestic violence um victor, if that would make sense.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_03: Um so um also um I um not only am I um a domestic violence victor, um I am also a cancer survivor.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_03: I had stage four um stomach cancer um back in um July 29th of 2015.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_03: Um so the doctors gave up on me twice, but I'm I'm still here.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_03: So it's a blessing.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_03: So I'm I have two young um yeah, God is awesome.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_03: I have two um young um sons, one is 40, one's 42.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_03: I'm a teen, I was a teen mom.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_03: Tell us now.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_03: I was a teen mother, um, and also I have seven beautiful grandchildren.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: All right, yeah.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Well, good.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: And uh and I met you through my sister-in-law, uh Elaine, who I refer to as Edie.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Shout out to Edie.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um uh we I had a a cookout for my uh for my wife, and um, and we uh and you were gracious enough to come and hang out with us.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: So and that was a quite pleasant experience.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: And then I learned later on, um uh I was asking Elaine, uh I was telling her about what I'm trying to do, and and uh she mentioned your name and and and I thought I'd call you.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm really grateful and honored uh that you would uh that you would do this uh for people and for and for our podcast.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um so tell me about your childhood a little bit more.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: You uh you said you were uh you came from Shirah.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um did you uh you lived in High Point?
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Did you which one of these did you get through high school or how'd that go?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, well, um, like I said, I was born in Chirral, South Carolina.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_03: Um, that's where I was born at, but I was raised in High Point, um, North Carolina, on the south side um a town.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_03: Shout out to South Side.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_03: Um, so um my childhood, like I said, I was I am the seventh child.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_03: Um, you know, our foundation was built on nothing less but um prayer, fasting, and just trusting it and believing in God.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_03: Um so um I think when I was probably around about seven or eight, um back in the day, you know, um family would take you to other family members' house, and everybody would get together and they would go out and they would have like we would have like the sleepovers when I was molested by a family member.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_03: Um I think I like I said, I think I was probably around about seven or eight.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_03: Um I became a teen mom at a very early age.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_03: Um I think I was like 15.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_03: Um I became homeless um when I was 16.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: And um I have a so let me go back uh and and start and ask you a question.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: So well, how old did were you when you started dating um the father of your children?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_03: I wouldn't say we were dating.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_03: Um I I just met a young man.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_03: He was a little older than I.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_03: Um, I was a young boy because he was he wasn't uh a man, he was 17 years old, I was 15.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_03: Um, you know how you um get to hanging out with the well, you may not know, but I started like walking through this pathway once we moved off of south side of town.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_03: And um so um I think I may have looked a little older than what you know.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_03: He may have thought I was maybe like maybe a little 16 or 17, but I was only 15 um when I met him.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_03: Um not knowing that um, you know, I was just it wasn't love, you know.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_03: I'm 15 years old, I don't know anything about love.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_03: Um gotcha.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_03: So um I met him, um nice looking um gentleman, um well kept.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_03: His mom lived in a big house.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_03: Um so we met, um, start doing things that you know to cause you to, you know, to get impregnated, if that makes sense.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_03: Um yeah.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_03: So um, yeah, so we started hanging out.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_03: Um, I ended up getting pregnant.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_03: Um and I think I was uh, you know, I I I really disappointed my my family, um my mom, my my grand grandparents, because they had set such high expectations um for me, you know.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_03: Um I had plans on going to school, um, you know, finishing school, going to college, um, you know, one day.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_03: Those were some of my dreams, you know, one day being a school teacher.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_03: Um so I um met the guy, um, ended up getting pregnant at the age of 15.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_03: Um I think he met my oldest son when he was maybe like um five or six months.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_03: His mom came and found us.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_03: Um when I came home.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna go back.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna go back because uh you were the his mother found out uh that that she was a grandmother, uh, and she decided to to come in and find you guys.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, she she located us right here on the south side of town.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_03: So um when I met this young lady, she was beautiful.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_03: She looked like Tina Turner.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_03: Um she came and she brought all these gifts, and um, she was excited.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_03: Her not only um was you know she was meeting her um son's um child for the first time, her son was the baby of the bunch.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_03: So um, you know, so she was she was excited about you know um meeting um her grandson.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_03: Um so she found us and um you know it was like from that point on she became um like a mother to me, a mother figure.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_03: She she just showed me so much love.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_03: Um so um again, like I said, around um July the 3rd, 1985, my mom she was just going through some hard things.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_03: Um, one thing about me, I have a heart um to forgive.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_03: Um I'm not the type to hold grudges.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_03: My mom left.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_03: Um and um when I uh we had went to we actually had gone to the mall that day, my children's father and I um we went to the mall that day and I came back home.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_03: Um he had took the um my son to um his mother's home.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_03: And um when I went to my house, the house was empty, everything was empty, everything was gone.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_03: So I just sort of like fell to my knees because I I was in disbelief.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_03: I just it was just like I was I was numb.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_03: Um I was yeah, I was just so numb, I I really couldn't even cry at that moment.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_03: So um there was a shoulder, a hand that touched my shoulders and um uh an empty house, mind you, empty house.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_03: I leave me, come back, and I'm at an empty house, right?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_03: So it was one of my brothers.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_03: Um he put his hand on my shoulder, and um, it was at that moment I began to cry, and he told me, he said, sis, everything was gonna be okay.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_03: So I left from there.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_03: I went to my children's um grandmother's house, and um I called her off in the bedroom.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_03: Like I said, I I talked to her and told her what happened.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_03: Um she began to cry.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_03: She took me in um July the 4th, the next day.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_03: That's when the abuse started.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um he just came in and slapped.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_03: Out of nowhere.
• 11:14
  unknown: Wow.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Out of nowhere.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: So so did it continue?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, did he stay there?
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: And how long did the abuse last?
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_03: All right, so yeah, so um it happened that day.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_03: Um, I think maybe right after the fourth, um, you know, I started working um at High Point Furniture.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_03: I was hand-sanded tables.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_03: Like I said, back then, you didn't have to ask for um, you know, birth certificates and all that stuff.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_03: You just said, you know, you need a job.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_03: Mind you, High Point was known for a furniture company.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_03: So I started working at High Point Furniture, hand sanding tables.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_03: Um, so there was this apartment um complex right around the corner from Duplex, right around the corner from um his mom's house, which my grandparents, my grandfather worked for this company called Hughes Enterprise.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_03: So um I got the apartment.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_03: Um, I was at work one day, um, and I came home and the whole apartment was furnished.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_03: His mom had furnished everything.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_03: His mom, along with his um his um older sister.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_03: And um so I was touched.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_03: I went to the bathroom and I cried because I was like, wow, nobody has ever done anything like this for me.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_03: So um during that time, you know, he moved in, um, and then the abuse got worse.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_03: It just got worse.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_03: So I end up um ended up getting pregnant.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: So look, let's okay, so you got pregnant, and you say the abuse got worse.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: So was it constant?
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: Was it verbal abuse?
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Was it just abuse?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Was it both?
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it was it was the verb, it was the verbal, um, it was physical.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_03: Well, the physical abuse was um had that's that's what started in the beginning.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_03: Late on the verbal abuse, um, you know, just it just snowballed.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: So what was his excuse for for hitting you?
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: It I mean, because there's no reason for that.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Uh what was the excuse?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: He just made him up.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, if that that that was just who he was and is to this day.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_03: He was just he and he was he was very jealous.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_03: He was very of you know, he was very jealous.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_03: Um, now when I was pregnant, when I um got pregnant with my second child, um, he wasn't abusive.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_03: He wasn't abuse he wasn't abusive while I was pregnant.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_03: He wasn't um abusive.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_03: So later on, we moved out of that house, and I moved out of that apartment.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_03: I moved into a two-bedroom house because this apartment was a one-bedroom.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_03: I moved into the two-bedroom house.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and um, you know, he was he wasn't abusive then, but then after I had my um my son, you know, the abuse started back up.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_03: It started back up.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_03: Um, so we ended up moving, I say when my second child was born, I think uh I think maybe six months after he was born, um, we ended up moving in a new house next door to his mom.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_03: Well, it was two house, two new houses.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_03: So his sister lived in one and we lived in that corner house.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_03: So we moved in that house, and when we moved there, the abuse got worse.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_03: He he was, like I said, he was very jealous to the point where I couldn't I couldn't work, so I started selling drugs because I needed to provide for my children.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_03: A lot of times he didn't want to go to work because you know he felt like he had to keep an eye on me.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_03: And it wasn't that I was promiscuous or I was doing anything to um to lead him to think that I was doing anything, but it was just in his mind that he felt like I was doing all this stuff.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think oftentimes that's uh that happens uh in abusive relationships.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um the unreasonable uh suspicion of of infidelity.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um I've uh talked to some women and and I've heard that um happened before.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um so or were the police, did you ever get the police involved?
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_03: The the police came to my house so much they knew us by name.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_03: So you know, I took um I took 50 B's out, um, you know, um assault charges.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_03: Um it got to the point he started taking the you know once out on me.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_03: You know, it was it was horrible.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_03: When I say it was horrible, it was horrible.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_03: And uh it's the scars that we don't see are the scars that um take the longest to heal.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_03: So it was like the verbal abuse, the the constant um verbal abuse.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_03: And um during that time, um I had got pregnant again, and um, you know, we're being honest.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I have a book, um, and it's in the book, everything.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_03: Uh the as the young folks would say, the receipts, you know.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_03: Um, even as a young girl, I I kept um letters.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_03: I even have letters that my that my father wrote when um when I was younger.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_03: So, but I always kept um, you know, I kept receipts, you know, and shows that you know, the warrants and the 50 B's and all the stuff that he um you know that he was doing.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_03: So I got pregnant, and so I terminated two pregnancies.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_03: And um the the first one um it was rough, but the second one, it that like um that haunts me even to this day.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_03: So um, and you may um wonder like, well, why was something like that that you know you had a choice?
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and I did, I had a choice, but I didn't want to bring in um a child, another child, knowing um that the abuse had gotten so bad, so at night that I would uh you know take blows just so um, I mean, you know, head blows, just so my children, you know, he wouldn't wake my children.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_03: You know, it it was it was horrible.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_03: It really was horrible.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to tell you go ahead.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: I I want to tell you uh that uh uh people don't have a right.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: Uh they may think they do.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think uh people have a right um to ask uh questions about uh um what we did and how we did it um in in your particular situation.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um domestic violence is a very complicated subject.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I don't know I don't uh profess to be an expert on it, um, but my mother um was a victim of of domestic violence and uh and she suffered from um um debt abuse and and uh uh battered wife syndrome is what they call it.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: And there's some psychological consequences for that.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, I certainly um I certainly don't think any of us have any right to judge uh you um for that.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: So so yeah, we were talking about the police and and you took out a lot of warrants and uh and 50 B.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: So they they knew that the violence and the and uh and the abuse was happening.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, absolutely.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_03: It was it was worse.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_03: Uh uh it was the worst.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_03: I left and and and and I will say, let me say this too before I try try to move on because I don't want to be all over the place.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_03: Um gotcha.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_03: You know, domestic violence is stigmatized.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_03: You know, um people don't want to talk about it, um, churches don't talk about it.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_03: Um and and as I said earlier, I am a cancer survivor, right?
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_03: Um however, we um, you know, people talk a lot about you know um breast cancer, and um you every month, you know, in October is domestic violence awareness, um, breast cancer awareness.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_03: Um, you know, people tend to um you know um gravitate to um the domestic the breast cancer awareness versus the domestic violence because people don't want to talk about it, you know, people don't want to hear about it.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_03: I've heard people say, you know, well, you uh um this girl allowed somebody.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_03: No, I don't think nobody allows anybody or wanna be hit, you know.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_03: Um yeah, it's it's a touchy situation.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_03: Some people say, you know what, just get out, you know, just get out.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_03: But everybody don't have a way of an escape.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_03: You know, it's a mental thing, it's not only just physical, it's it's it's mental.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um yes, and and one of my guests here that oftentimes you you're looking at homelessness if you leave, um, your only form of support, uh, that's just all kinds of other different things come into play.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: So, yeah.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and the low self-esteem.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_03: And and and the um in the in the self-esteem, you know, um, you know, and and not knowing if this person is gonna take your life if you leave.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_03: You know, right.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_03: If you told me um every time you see me that you're gonna that you're gonna do harm to me, or you're gonna do such and such, or even to say, you know what, every time I see you, I'm gonna give you$20.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_03: And I every time I see you and you tell me you're gonna give me that$20, it's gonna be planted in my mind, planted in my spirit that this is I'm gonna be expecting this, right?
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_03: So if you're telling somebody that you're gonna take they take their life, nine times out of ten, that person has already um calculated what they're gonna do if you leave.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_03: So it's the self-esteem.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_03: So that's why it was important for me uh with the support group that I have to offer the eight weeks of building self-esteem and uh and motivational skills because people need to be educated about domestic violence.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_03: It's not something that people say, oh well, they can just get out of it, or you can just walk away.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_03: But there are many women and young women who have tried to walk away and didn't make it out.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_03: So, you know, we have to be very mindful and very careful how we um tread, and and we must tread lightly because, first of all, you got to educate somebody and let them see and let them um teach them the red flag.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_03: Talk about it.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_03: Don't just sweep it up under the rug.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_03: You know, let them know that let the person know that they're being heard.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_03: It was my children's grandmother that told me, baby, leave.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_03: This is her, this is her son.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_03: She's saying, baby, he's he.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_03: She said, I don't know where he gets this from.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_03: She said, but surely he didn't get it for me because she was she was the most lovable person.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_03: There was nothing that I ever needed, even if I needed it and didn't ask.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_03: God would allow her to pick it up in her spirit to give me or to be there for me.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_03: Whatever I needed, she was always there.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_03: But it was her who told me, baby, get out, leave.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_03: Because he's not trying to change.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_03: He's not trying to change, you know, and um, but at the end of the day, um I I forgave him for all the stuff that he did.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and I think the verbal abuse was just as bad as the physical.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_03: Now it was scars and things that happened, like I said, even with the um, even with the termination, um, you know, no, nobody has a right to judge me, right?
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_03: But I had to learn, not only did I um forgive him, I had to learn to forgive myself because if I had to do it all over again, I I you know, I I probably would still do determination.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_03: I probably still would have the abortion.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: Gotcha.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_03: But you know, um, like I said, people don't want to talk about domestic violence.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_03: You know, we we hear a lot about it.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_03: Um, you know, it's happening in our churches.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_03: It happened happen, it happens next door to your neighbor, um, your niece.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_03: And um, yeah, I I was able to, you know, to mask it for a long time, you know, and uh, but like I said, it's the scars that we don't see, this is the scars that hurt the most, uh, or the scars that take the longest to heal.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, yeah, and and it's not only the like the scars that I'm speaking from a position of not being a woman.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I have no uh I I don't profess to be or have any idea of what's like.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: I did see my mother get beaten a lot, but I do know that um uh that that was hard for her to get out of there, right?
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I do know that she suffered um um some lifelong uh emotional distress from that.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: So um, so yes, I do get it.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: So here's a question for you.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: My next question is gonna be how did you get out of that?
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_03: Um, like I said, with him, it was his mom.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and I left.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_03: I left, I left the furniture, I left the house, I left everything.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_03: He um I had made up in my mind.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_03: Well, for one, I went and bought a gun.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_01: Uh-huh.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_03: For one, I I went and bought a 32 automatic um at the place down here that used to be on South Main Street in Highport, North Carolina, and I had made up in my mind the next time, now I would fight back, but I could never really like I couldn't win.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_03: Of course not.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_03: So so I bought a gun and I said, you know, the next time he put his hands on me, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna take him out because you know, I was tired.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_03: You know, not only, you know, was it affect affecting me, it was affecting my children.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_03: You know, their safe place was yeah, their place, safe place was school.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I was always the the nurturer.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_03: From then to this day, I was always the nurturer.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_03: I was always the one that, you know, that say, I love you before you leave, or I naught them in the mornings, or you know, um, I was just a nurturer.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_03: That's what we as moms, that's what we do.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_03: So I purchased a gun.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_03: Um, said I was gonna take him out.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_03: We got into it one night, he found the gun.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_03: So we we tussled and tussled um over the gun.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_03: Eventually, he, you know, he got the best of me.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_03: He pulled the gun out on me.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_03: So um, of course, he didn't shoot me.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_03: Um I don't think I don't think he had the guts to.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_03: I think I always felt like he was a coward because anytime a man is abusive to a woman, whether it's physically, mentally, emotionally, um, verbally, I think it, I think they are really a coward.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_03: And I just felt like he didn't have the he didn't have the guts to do it.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_03: But I did.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_03: So um we went to court, they got rid of the gun.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_03: Um, so I I was just I was just tired.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_03: And I could never imagine, I could never imagine um seeing myself being somewhere else besides being stuck.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_03: But one day, one day, it was one day, I was able to see myself free.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_03: I was able to see my I didn't know how I was gonna do it, but I could I could see myself just not being there because I had I had to I had to get mentally prepared for this so I can finally see myself being out of this situation.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_03: How I was gonna get out, I had no idea.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_03: All I knew was that I can I could I just had a little glimpse and I had a just just a muscle seed of faith that one day I was gonna get out of it.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_03: So I decided one night, it was gonna be the last night he put his hands on me.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_03: I um I watched him go to the store.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_03: He left.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_03: He he he never drove, never drove a car.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_03: I would be the one driving.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_03: Um I said, this this night I'm gonna leave.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_03: I made up in my mind I was gonna take my children and we were just gonna leave.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_03: He was walking to the store.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_03: I can see him going down the street, and I had this hamper.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't pack anything.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't want him to be suspicious of anything.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_03: Everything looked the same.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_03: When I saw him out of sight, I packed my stuff in a in a blue, uh, greenish-looking aquacolor hamper.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_03: I packed up as much as my children's stuff as I could possibly pack up.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_03: And I got in my car and I left.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_03: And I never turned back.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_03: Of course, you know, um, I left the house, I left the furniture, I left everything.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_03: I left everything in the house.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_00: Where did you go?
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_03: I left and moved in with my daughter-in-law.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna say my sister-in-law, right?
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_03: My baby brother, he had died.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_03: Um, he was killed in a car accident, and um, they had an apartment.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_03: Um, so he was he and I was very, very close.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_03: So that was like um, it was just like uh it just something just almost just ripped my heart out.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_03: And I still um, you know, I still think of him often.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_03: So they had this apartment, and um I had made up in my mind, uh, we she and I had talked, and I said, you know, one day I'm gonna leave.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_03: And um, so she when she gave me the key to the apartment, that was it.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_03: And although um after I left, I had to get myself um acclimated back into society, and that may not make sense, but I'm gonna tell you what I mean.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_03: Um I was so used to being um verbally abusive and being beat on so much to all I almost thought that that was the norm.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_03: So I lost like 20 pounds in two weeks because I had to I had to mentally prepare myself that I'm not in that place where I used to be.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_03: So it's okay to laugh, it's okay to live, you know, my children are safe, you know.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_03: So once I realized that that I can be happy, once I realized that I didn't have to go through that anymore, and it took some time, it just didn't happen overnight, you know, because um, you know, I still felt like I had to, you know, to look over my back my shoulder because um, you know, he was he was one of those folks that he would come out of nowhere.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_03: I can be a Burger King somewhere, and he just showed up, you know.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_03: So I had to like mentally prepare myself.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and while I'm preparing myself, I had to um, you know, make sure my sons were okay, you know, because I got boys, you know, so now I got to raise men, you know.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_03: Gotcha.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_03: I got to raise up, I got to raise up men, you know.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_03: And um, so I had to put it was a lot of preparing and a lot of um praying and a lot of um crying out to God.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_03: Um, but it was by God's grace and mercy that I made it through and I didn't lose my mind even in the abuse, you know.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I've got a question for you.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, sir.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_00: Here's a question for you.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: Did he uh did he continue to bother you after you left?
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because what I what I've heard is that you can die from staying, but you can also die from leaving.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_00: So he tried, yeah.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_00: Tell us about that.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, so he um once he he found out where I was, you know, where I was at, you know, he would, you know, he would try to stalk a little bit and stuff, but I kept a lot of this stuff for my brothers.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_03: Mind you, um, it was six boys and two girls, and I was the youngest.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_03: Uh-huh.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_03: So once once I let my brothers know when my once my brothers knew what was going on, that was a wrap.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a brother too, so I get it.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a big brother.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the oldest brother.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_00: End of this story.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_03: So when once once my and they was like, what?
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_03: You was, I mean, you didn't, I mean, we knew, you know, because he kept me isolated, right?
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_03: But I always made excuses.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_03: I always made excuses, you know, and then if I did go somewhere, you know, he put on a smile, I put on a smile.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_03: Um, it was like we put on I put on a sh a show for so long to I almost thought that, you know, hey, this is this this is how we supposed to act when we go out, but when we go home, I'm almost expecting he's gonna show out, you know, and then especially, you know, he ended up getting on drugs too.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_03: So that made it even worse, you know.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_03: But yeah, so he um he he tried, but once my my brothers got, you know, they was like, nah, you know, we not nah, we're not having this anymore.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_03: So yeah, yeah.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_00: So that's the nice, that's the nice version of what they said.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, they didn't.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_00: I can hear the I can hear the real version in my head right now.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, but I had to do a whole lot of begging and praying, like yellow them out, just leave it alone, because you know, I I wanted to make sure I kept my relationship with his mom.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_03: And you know, I think she had got to the point like she almost felt like, you know what, he maybe if they give him a good whooping, he maybe he'll be all right, you know.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, it was so much stuff that took place.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_03: If I um if I told you everything that happened, we'll be here until next week.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_03: Because so much stuff, so much stuff happened, but I'm just I'm just so thankful and so grateful that I was able to get out, you know.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_03: Um, I'm just so grateful that you know I wasn't one of the ones that my life was taken by the hands of you know my abuser, you know.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_03: And um, like I said, I I can do it so much in that relationship.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: So there is some uh some residual emotional stuff that happens, I I understand in these situations, right?
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_00: The uh you talked a little bit about it, just just getting out of the mindset of um of being uh in an abusive relationship and overcoming the fear.
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um how how did you do that?
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, what did was there any particular thing you did?
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um I'm sure you prayed.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh was there anything else?
• 35:42
  SPEAKER_03: Um, well, I did have um once my family knew, then I did have that support to um to lean on.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_03: Um gotcha.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_03: And just being able to be there with my um my deceased um baby brother's um fiance, I think that was it was comforting or knowing that you know what, um, he knows that I'm gonna be okay.
• 36:05
  SPEAKER_03: You know, and um and just having that baby brother.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, uh-huh.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, okay.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, my baby brother um fiance.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_03: So, yeah, so just knowing that um, you know, I just just knowing that I would I was in a safe place.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_03: And like I said, it didn't happen overnight, you know, but I had my I had my my grandmother who you know who was a prayer warrior, um, my mom, you know, they supported me and they encouraged me, you know, encouraged me to, you know, you know, you know, you you there's so much you can do.
• 36:47
  SPEAKER_03: And like I said, I I didn't say it earlier, but I was a high school dropout, right?
• 36:51
  SPEAKER_03: I was a high school dropout, you know.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_03: So um I I I hit the ground when I'm once I realized that you know I was no longer in that place, that I was in a safe place, because once you get out of a relationship like that, domestic violence, and you know this person has threatened you, and they said you will you be watching over your shoulder because you don't know where they're gonna come from.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_03: Well, in my situation, I didn't know how he was gonna jump out.
• 37:22
  SPEAKER_03: There was times he didn't jump jumped in the cars and choked me, and while I'm driving, and it was I went through a lot with him.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_03: But uh, once my family, especially the guys, when they realized that I was going through, you know, the abuse, yeah, I felt a little bit more, um, yeah, a little more safer because it's like we're not gonna allow him to, you know, to try to hurt you or anything like that, you know.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_03: So yeah, but it's um it was a lot of it took a lot of uh praying, a lot of fasting.
• 37:58
  SPEAKER_03: Um and and I'm just gonna be honest, um back then in 85 and 86, there was not a lot of support, um, a lot of programs.
• 38:12
  SPEAKER_03: Like now they have the one-stop shop in High Point with the domestic violence.
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I went to Clara's house before over in Greensboro.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_03: You know, now we have um Leslie's house in High Point, where it's like everybody knows where Leslie's house was at.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_03: In Greensboro, I felt a little safe, you know, but we didn't have as many um places as we do now.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_03: We didn't have uh many uh people that would talk about domestic violence as we do now.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_03: And I have to be honest, and this is just my opinion.
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_03: So um, you know, for those that you would have listened to this podcast, um, I pray that I don't offend anyone, but um it's like you don't really hear about domestic violence until someone has lost their life to domestic violence.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_03: You know, we do have men that deal with domestic violence.
• 39:06
  SPEAKER_03: We have um, you know, two out of ten men, I mean say two out of seven men that may be dealing with domestic violence, you know, and domestic violence, like I said, is not always the the physical, but it's it's the mental, the emotional abuse.
• 39:24
  SPEAKER_03: You know, like I said, and I said for the third time, it's the scars that we don't see or the scars that people deal with the most.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_03: People, the scars that hurt the most, you know, the the stigmatized of domestic violence, or you know, things that you would hear, you know, um, why is she allowing him to do this?
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_03: Or, you know, if I was her, I would walk away.
• 39:47
  SPEAKER_03: You know, sometimes it's not always that easy, it's not always that easy to leave.
• 39:53
  SPEAKER_00: If it was that easy, everybody would do it, right?
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_03: And then, like I said, there have been some that had the courage enough to say, you know what, I'm gonna walk away.
• 40:02
  SPEAKER_03: I had a cousin that she was set on fire and she died, and she would she wasn't even 30 years old, she was in her 20s because she had made up in her mind that she was gonna leave her abuser, and he got a whiff of it.
• 40:19
  SPEAKER_03: And you got some crazy enough to say, if I can't have you, nobody else will.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_03: And trust me, when a person tells you that, believe it.
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, understood.
• 40:31
  SPEAKER_00: I um I I am really, really honored that you would have this conversation with us.
• 40:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I I am sure that countless uh other uh uh people hopefully that hear this will understand um some of the intricacies or some of the um the um the uh the things associated with domestic violence that we uh normal or lay people, I don't want to use the term normal, that's the wrong term, but we lay people uh don't really uh uh understand or know about.
• 41:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so so I really appreciate that.
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um so I I think what I heard you say though was that there was some nurturing, um, there was some love and some some family members um including uh his mother, those people, uh your your brothers and and your mom that bought you that bought you uh that helped you come to the other side of this thing.
• 41:35
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 41:36
  SPEAKER_00: So that's what I hear you say, and uh, and that's a wonderful thing.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_00: So um so how did uh how long did it take you think for you to to to feel uh okay, it's gonna be alright.
• 41:51
  SPEAKER_03: Well, first of all, I would say I I stayed in the relationship for 12 years.
• 41:56
  SPEAKER_03: Um I say after six months, um, once I left, after six months, um I was trying to get back to a normal life.
• 42:09
  SPEAKER_03: And like I said, um, you know, we don't have as much stuff as we do now about educating individuals, about domestic violence, support groups, excuse me, warning signs, and um so it took me at least six months before I can um I wouldn't say get over the abuse, but it took me six months to try to gather me, like what I'm gonna do next.
• 42:43
  SPEAKER_03: You know, what are you what are you gonna do next?
• 42:44
  SPEAKER_03: You know, you got your children, you know, how you gonna provide for them, you know.
• 42:49
  SPEAKER_03: Um, you know, I need a job, you know, um, you know, am I gonna stay here long term?
• 42:57
  SPEAKER_03: Or you know, I had it it took me about six months to start feeling me because for for so long, and those six months I was still sort of numb, because you you gotta be mindful that I stayed in that relationship for so long that I was sort of used to um gotcha, you know, what it's gonna be a fight tonight, or you know, um you know, should I put on this, should I wear this?
• 43:27
  SPEAKER_03: Because it was it was the jealousy and the rage and just so much stuff that that you know that took place that um it took me some time to to um to get back to a place where I can feel halfway normal again.
• 43:44
  SPEAKER_03: And then um I think after a year staying with my um with my uh my my sister-in-love, I was able to um to find a place.
• 43:57
  SPEAKER_03: Um I said a year and a half, about a year and a half, I was able to find a place.
• 44:02
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and then even after I found that place, when he found that I was staying over there, he he kicked the dough in.
• 44:09
  SPEAKER_03: But he knew I yeah, he he knew um, yeah, he knew I wasn't afraid of him, but he knew then that um yeah, I was sleeping with peace, but I also kept me a peace.
• 44:26
  SPEAKER_03: knew yeah so um i was you know i i was i was still that girl that you know i'm i'm gonna fight back so he knew then like yeah she yeah she yeah she she's really gonna yeah I I you know but I don't I don't condone violence but I also believe in um you protecting yourself by any any means necessary um whether it's getting the um police involved um whether it's getting the courthouse involved um but you gotta protect you gotta make up your mind you know what I'm not I can't continue to allow this person to just do me any kind of way and you know let them feel make them feel like it's okay it's not okay you know it's never okay to um to put your hands on a on anybody any kind of abuse is not okay any kind of abuse absolutely is not okay did he ever have to go to jail oh yeah he went to jail he went that he went to jail what about prison no he never went to prison but he went to jail gotcha yeah he went he went to jail um but the crazy thing about it um you know when you um in those type of um types of relationships um and you getting all these threats and uh I'm talking about me I can't speak for anybody else um right you know you sort of like 10 like when you go to court you sort of like you know what well they they ain't gonna do it no more you know I'm just gonna say you know I'm drop the charges but the judge got tired of hearing um drop the charges nah this time you got to be locked up or either you gonna go so you either you going to jail either he going to jail so which is it uh because you ever time you turn around you you in the courthouse you said he did this and now you don't want him to go to jail but see what the judge wasn't looking at they weren't looking at the whole picture when he got out when he got out yeah that's right yeah yep and so um I I I hear you when you say there weren't in many places and a lot of talk about domestic abuse in fact in some in some um people's minds uh that was the norm and the way it was supposed to be uh which is absolutely insane um but yeah I absolutely hear you so so after you got um out of the relationship and you're doing good um have you been in another relationship I have and I ended up getting married and um yeah yeah okay same thing it was it wasn't it wasn't the same thing but um my ex-husband he tried to take my life as well oh yeah he tried to he tried to take my life um and uh may of you know you want to be honest and tell the truth so I mean here it is May the 28th of 2015 um my ex-husband he had been um uh messing around with um some of the um I wouldn't say prostitutes but some of the young women that um we were helping um because mind you you know I have a support group so you know we offer eight weeks of building self-esteem and motivational skills you know we did outreach where we would feed the young women on the um you know on what most people over on Southside call it the block you know um we would encounter people that dealing with uh mental health issues um you know sometimes our minister um on the same block um feed the same women and those were the women where he would be holding up signs to come and get free clothes to come and get free HIV testing or come and get your free food and some of those same people that he was holding signs holding a sign to um engage to try to engage them to come over um um and get food or get tested for HIV he was dealing and dabbling with some of those same women well wow yeah and so uh do you mind talking about that at all like why why did he try to take your life because I called him at the hotel how did it happen well I called him at the hotel um with one of the women um I was actually home in the bed and Holy Spirit woke me up at around about 2 30 told me to get up and um go to this hotel on South Main Street and um so I was like this is me talking to the Lord I'm like the hotel on South Main Street so I get up get my clothes he wasn't at home I get up get my clothes we had just purchased um this red truck and um get up go to the South Main Street go to this one hotel he wasn't there so the Holy Spirit said go on down a little further went down a little further and there used to be a little restaurant on the corner um I think it was called Alex House or the Inn's House where it was a restaurant and um so when I pulled in there I can see the truck that we had just purchased across the street and um so when I saw saw the truck my heart began to race so um I went and parked my car up the street at this old place called Pilts Printing Company on South Main Street.
• 50:16
  SPEAKER_03: I get out the car run down to the hotel get into the hotel I told the young gentleman I said you know I'm here for my husband I told him his name I said he's driving the red truck and the man had this this funny look on his face like okay so um while I was standing in the um in the office area I can see you can see like all the the rooms so he calls the room and when he called the room um a young lady answered the phone and I asked could I speak you know with my husband and um by that time I can see him peeking out the window.
• 50:55
  SPEAKER_03: So of course I go to the room you know um that's my husband right and um so um of course they didn't let me in they end up calling the police after I would have been kicking on the door um I end up taking the truck leaving um I left and I went and stayed at a hotel for a few days I come back start taking my stuff out the house um that um evening I went back by the house and um you know we we started well prior that earlier that day um he pulls a gun out um on a young lady that was on the block um I asked her about him and she said that he was a regular and um I was like wow he's a regular so he he comes to um the block I I believe that day I honestly believe and I could be wrong that that day that he had that gun um that he you know he had planned on maybe pulling it out on me I don't know that's that's just my opinion I could be wrong so anyhow so we left the scene um I made a couple of phone calls to a couple of his people to let him know what had took what had taken place um so later on that night um I was at the house he left and goes to the um Walmart on South Main so I go behind him on South Main and we we begin to talk and well we pass a couple of words and uh I asked about his phone you know I'm a woman I'm his wife so I wanted to see the phone so of course he was like no um so I walked off I was like you know what I'll just call the police gets in my car I had got a um he had a red truck I had a new Lexus um so he hit runs in my car head on with the truck oh my goodness causing my car to spin around my car spent around at least two or three times hitting a pole I was able to get out and once I got out um of course I went you know was going to you know different houses you know asking for help and I'm I mean I'm in shock because I had no idea that this was going to transpire.
• 53:16
  SPEAKER_03: So um of course he started um after I um got to the last house I went to this car and was asking this gentleman in the car if he could help me because you know my um ex-husband well my husband at the time had ran his truck into my head on into my um car and the man was like you know well no so by the time when I was I can hear the truck and I can still hear that same um it's like a distinct sound it's almost like a sewing machine I can hear um the truck coming but I didn't see it and um he ran me down um and hit me with his truck um oh Lord yeah and my head was like an inch away from the slab of cement right here in front of this pawn shop on South Main Street called Cash Pond and um he gets out the truck um and he pulled me I was under the truck so he pulled me from under the truck and he just started hitting me in my face and um so he was like you know just get in the truck we going home and as he was getting in the truck on one side I pretended like I was getting in on the other side and I just started running so um next thing you know um the EMS police cars everything were just all over the place and um it was a guy that um the church I attend to now um he he's the drummer he was a young gentleman and I I say I I owe him my life because I know that it was God that had to touch his his heart to call the M to call the EMS and the police to tell them that um you know this man had ran me down with this truck and it was like I can I was running and while I was running he like I said he hit me with the truck so it was all on the news and everything and they thought that he broke he broke my legs which I have a scar on my leg now and they thought he broke my legs but um but to God be the glory um that didn't happen um so yeah and um well yeah you've been through a lot uh and and through all of that um but hey I'm still standing I'm still standing and you've you've had the cancer um and and so here's what I want to want to ask you because I understand um like the the whole um premise of this podcast is hope is not the falling down but the getting up right and so um after that right um fast forward a little bit um how did you get out of that marriage um well um I didn't just get out of it then um and when I say this people may think that you know um there is no way that all the stuff that her children's father did was worse than this well actually to me it was um not saying that you know one was worse or one was better than the other I'm gonna say it was better than the other um but because of all the verbal emotional physical mental abuse that I suffered with my children's father I would say was worse than him hitting me with this truck um so uh make a long make a long story short I end up um he ended up taking care of me whenever I was sick with cancer and um your husband yeah that he was my husband at the time now he's my ex-husband um gotcha so but yeah um he ended up was taking care of me while I had um the cancer um and I felt like he owed that to me and it was crazy because a lot of people ask me were you afraid I wasn't even afraid I don't know I I wasn't afraid I lived in the same house um but after I got better that's when I left I left after he no I got better um I left and um but he he did I have to be honest um as I um possibly can he he took care of me um did my children like it did my family like it absolutely not everybody hated it but out of respect for me they said if I was willing to stay there you know there was a lot of watching and people riding by and a lot of calls but I was so sick that um I wasn't afraid and um um after I got better then I left and it wasn't until um last year was it last year um yeah I got a divorce finally got a divorce um how how long you been away from it before then uh how long have I been away from Jane about see ten years no um no no no thirteen okay no uh uh I'm sorry let me see this is too it it was just a question you know I I uh uh I don't think it's really really that important I just uh I just want to transition into the fact that um despite all that you've been through right I know uh that you're in the ministry um I also know uh that you help people um uh first of all um because it's like finding your way out way out of that abyss that you were in and then helping other people um what a wonderful wonderful testimony and so my question for you is um could you tell us a little bit about some of the things you're doing now um to help other folks I know you're in the ministry yeah um well first of all I want to say thank you too for um just um you know just acknowledging that um it takes a lot um and just to be able to overcome um you know a lot of this trauma um because it it it was and is trauma um yep so um right now I I am currently um um a certified North Carolina peer support specialist um also um I um I'm a facilitator for a psychosocial rehabilitation program um I still do um my my women's um ministry I'm an elder um at Chosen Generation and High Point um deliverance um center um and also um I like to mentor um young women um and not just to share my story but to be able to tell them about um the warning signs and domestic violence to be able to um have an ear um um for the um young women and um men as well because like I said men suffer suffer um domestic violence too but um just being able to um to to fit in um where I'm needed um like I said a lot of churches they don't talk about it you know um the youngest victim that I um had the honor of meeting was 14 years old and um she talked about all the abuse that she um that she suffered from um the hand of a boyfriend um now you know at 14 15 uh my sons they were 16 years old when they started taking company um and they had to take company in you know in the in the living room i you know everybody different this is a new age new generation were you wasn't I wasn't playing no games and I had boys um yeah but um I had to raise men because now they have girls so but um just being able to um to reach those that um that are suffering from domestic violence and you know how do you reach them by educating them um by um letting them know that there are resources out here to help them try to um escape from the place that they're in now I'm not just talking about having a physical escape but having a mental escape because you can be you can be out of a home that's that that you've been in the domestic violence relationship in and you're still bound you're still in prison you you're still in prison in your mind because you don't know how to break away from that cycle you don't know um how to make the next move but to just to be able to educate the young women about um domestic violence again I can't stress this stress this enough about the warning signs there were signs that I that even when I got married that I knew but I felt like you know what uh maybe they might be a little different but I knew that the signs were gonna be better the next time yeah that's the signs weren't there so just being able to um to to have an ear for the young people um uh I still do um like I said my support group inspire women of destiny um I do outreach um at not only um for women of destiny for um at my church um I communicate with a lot of um you know young girls um I just try to be um a mentor try to be an example for them um my story may not be somebody else's story I dare not tell a young lady to stay where they're at you know back in the day when when my mom I don't know about your mom but when my mom and them they were coming up you know the churches would say you know stay in it baby it's gonna be all right you know be submissive being submissive doesn't mean that you have to take abuse you know that's right so um just like I said again just trying to um to educate the young women and just to be able to be an ear sometimes people just want to be heard you know um for so long um I I was never I was never heard um when I was with my children father you know I was never really heard it was like nobody I felt like nobody really just heard me um and I was crying for help um although I I didn't verbally speak it but I was crying for help and they didn't hear it so I want to be able to to be an ear for those who crying out not only just be an ear but be able to observe you can tell when someone is going through um a domestic violence some people say they can't see it I can see it because I've experienced it you know but you do have to tread lightly because you don't want that person um to um to get killed or get harmed or be in harm's way because you telling them to just leave you gotta have a plan you know they need me to so if you had to if if there was three things that you would say to someone today that's in a uh an abusive relationship what are the three things that you would say to them to help them get out of that the first thing I would say is pray whether you believe in God or whoever your higher being is I would say seek counseling right the second thing I would say is look for resources look for resources because once you get out you're gonna need some support look for a support system the third thing is have a plan on how you're gonna get out have a plan on how you're gonna get out there are um shelters for women there are shelters for women in place there are there is your police department there's department of social service have a plan pray and find some resources and once you get out try your best try your best to stay out of harm's way and let somebody know I was told somebody said they're gonna do this or they're gonna do that if that's the case if that's not the case if you get out run like hell and don't look back because I promise you your ladder is better than now wow thank you so much Melody we are uh certainly out of time uh it's been wonderful uh really appreciate you thank you so much for for um giving of yourself for this hour and hopefully um someone will benefit from it and thank you so much thank you so much for having me and I hope that um that I said something that would encourage somebody um or help somebody along the way I want to thank Melody so much for sharing her personal journey that takes a lot of courage and I and I'm sure the audience uh is grateful to you for that also we have uh some numbers that you can call or some contact information that you that we have for people who are victims of domestic violence.
• 1:08:39
  SPEAKER_00: So if you or someone you know is in need of help here's the information for the National Hotline you can reach them at www dot the hotline dot org or call 1-800-799 SAFE that's 1-800-799 seven two three three you can also text the word start that's S T A R T to eight eight seven eight eight again thank you so very much for listening and we'll see you next time on Miles Behind Miles Ahead