Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #600 Holiday Hot Seat - Sex Therapist, Ian Kerner

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#600 Holiday Hot Seat - Sex Therapist, Ian Kerner · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: wants answers Now Gooday.
• 0:10
  Speaker 3: This is doctor Justin Coulson, the founder of Happy Families
• 0:13
  Speaker 3: dot com dot au Dades six, daughter's husband to one wife,
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  Speaker 3: and the parenting expert and co host on chan Lyne's
• 0:18
  Speaker 3: Parental Guidance, also the host of this podcast, that Happy
• 0:22
  Speaker 3: Families Podcast. Thank you so much for listening and allowing
• 0:25
  Speaker 3: me into your life to hopefully be useful in making
• 0:29
  Speaker 3: your family happier.
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: Right now, school holidays.
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  Speaker 3: In Queensland, which means that I'm doing my best to
• 0:34
  Speaker 3: spend as much time in the sunshine with Kylie and the.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: Girls as I can.
• 0:37
  Speaker 3: Today's guest is another one of our very special guests
• 0:40
  Speaker 3: for the upcoming Happy Families Hot Mess Summit.
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: We do amazing summits here at Happy Families.
• 0:46
  Speaker 3: If you've participated in the Misconnection Summit, the Bringing Up
• 0:49
  Speaker 3: Boys Summit, or the Little People Big Feelings Summit, you
• 0:52
  Speaker 3: know that these are like world class. The quality of
• 0:55
  Speaker 3: our guests, the quality of the conversation, the tips, tricks, strategies,
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  Speaker 3: help and ideas that we give you to make your
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: family happier is second to none, and we've got another
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  Speaker 3: summit just around the corner, the Happy Family's Hot Mess Summit.
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  Speaker 3: You can get all the details at Happy families dot com,
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  Speaker 3: dot you, and on our Happy Family's Facebook page. Today,
• 1:14
  Speaker 3: one of our guests, Ian Kerner. Ian is the author
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: of She Comes First and So tell me about the
• 1:21
  Speaker 3: last time you had sex, as you can probably gather
• 1:24
  Speaker 3: some of the themes that we may discuss in today's podcast,
• 1:27
  Speaker 3: maybe a little bit well for mature listeners, but the
• 1:30
  Speaker 3: lightning round that we're going to have today is going
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  Speaker 3: to be an absolute cracker. Please welcome Ian Kerner to
• 1:35
  Speaker 3: the podcast. So tell us how many kids you have
• 1:40
  Speaker 3: and how old they are?
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  Speaker 2: In I have two children, two boys, nineteen and sixteen.
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  Speaker 1: Do you have a favorite?
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  Speaker 2: No, I love both of my boys. I will say
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  Speaker 2: that I sometimes feel like my older son is really
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: cut from my cloth, like the apple doesn't fall far
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  Speaker 2: from tree. And sometimes I look at my younger son
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  Speaker 2: and he's a little bit of an alien to me,
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  Speaker 2: a little bit. Sometimes he reminds me a lot more
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  Speaker 2: of his mom than me. But I love both boys,
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  Speaker 2: and I love both connection, my connection to both of them.
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  Speaker 2: But sometimes it feels like my older son is more
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: directly like came right out of my head and exists.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: It's easy to understand people who are more lock you rot.
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I don't know. I mean certainly leads to
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: a lot. I certainly have a much more conflicted relationship
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: with my older son than.
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  Speaker 3: I do with my younger said, yeah, curious, This is
• 2:34
  Speaker 3: the impossible question. I always love asking it because people
• 2:37
  Speaker 3: squim and don't know what to say.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: Who do you love most? Your partner, your kids?
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: Well, I mean I loved I wouldn't have my kids
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  Speaker 2: if I didn't love my partner, and I certainly as
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: my kids get older, I'm overjoyed that they're out and
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: about and on their own and I get to really
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: focus on my relationship with my wife again, and we're
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: having sort of the we're having the best love affair
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: of our relationship in a way, and it's because the
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: kids are finally, finally gone.
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  Speaker 1: I relate to that so much.
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  Speaker 3: We've our youngest is eight, but other than that, all
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  Speaker 3: of our kids are in the teens or into adulthood now,
• 3:13
  Speaker 3: and we feel like we're having a relationship renaissance. It's
• 3:16
  Speaker 3: it's like we can see the light at the end
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  Speaker 3: of the tunnel. It feels so good. Do you How
• 3:21
  Speaker 3: do you write yourself as a parent in out of ten?
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  Speaker 2: Well, it's interesting justin you know, one of the themes
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  Speaker 2: of my life is that I'm not just the father
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  Speaker 2: of my children. I've been the father of my own father.
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  Speaker 2: In some ways. I've been the father to my mother.
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  Speaker 2: I've been a very parentified figure in my parents' lives.
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  Speaker 2: I'm a therapist, I've been a dog owner. I mean,
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  Speaker 2: I feel like I'm constantly just parenting or fathering in
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  Speaker 2: one way or another. And sometimes I look at that
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  Speaker 2: and I say, jeez, why am I sort of like
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  Speaker 2: destined to be father with the capital F? And I
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  Speaker 2: feel like it's because I still have work to do
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  Speaker 2: figuring it out, to get it right. So I would
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  Speaker 2: say there's certainly room for improvement. I think I've gotten
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  Speaker 2: better as the years have gone on. I think those
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  Speaker 2: first years and the changes in routine and the loss
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  Speaker 2: of connection with my wife and the routines and the
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  Speaker 2: lack of sleep, I mean, that's like boot camp. It's
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  Speaker 2: like it's really it was really hard. So I have
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  Speaker 2: a little bit of guilt and shame about how I
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  Speaker 2: showed up in my early years as a dad, especially
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  Speaker 2: around being temperamental and being sort of triggered and getting angry,
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  Speaker 2: and I think, I think over the years, I've developed
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  Speaker 2: much better ways of communicating with my kids and getting
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  Speaker 2: my point across.
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  Speaker 3: This is going to be the longest lotting round, EVA,
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  Speaker 3: because I just relate so much to what you're saying,
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  Speaker 3: and I want to I want to jump in and
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  Speaker 3: empathize with you. I used to be a radio announ
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  Speaker 3: so I worked for some of the biggest radio stations
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  Speaker 3: in Australia and I was a terrible dad. I had
• 5:00
  Speaker 3: no idea how to do it. And it was a
• 5:02
  Speaker 3: violent outburst that I had with my oldest child when
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  Speaker 3: she was three that led me to leave my career
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  Speaker 3: and go back to the poverty of being a full
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  Speaker 3: time student for eight and a half years while I
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  Speaker 3: did my undergraduate and my honors and my PhD so
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  Speaker 3: that I could live the life that I now do
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  Speaker 3: and learn how to be a father. So I really
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  Speaker 3: relate to what you're saying there. I so appreciate what
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  Speaker 3: you've shared.
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  Speaker 1: Thank you, welcome.
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  Speaker 3: What's something great that your parents did that you've tried
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  Speaker 3: to continue to do in your parenting.
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  Speaker 2: I really when you ask that question, I really think
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  Speaker 2: of I really think of my dad, who actually wasn't
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  Speaker 2: a great father in many ways, he was kind of
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  Speaker 2: I was ready. He divorced early. I was raised by
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: my mom. My dad wasn't around a lot. But when
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: I was around with my dad, my dad he was
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  Speaker 2: just he was so positive, he was playful, we had
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  Speaker 2: fun together. It just always, you know, lifted me up.
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  Speaker 2: And I guess that was because he didn't have to
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  Speaker 2: also be involved in all of the routines of parenting
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  Speaker 2: and the responsibilities of parenting. I would say both my
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  Speaker 2: parents allowed me to sort of be what would be
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: called the latch key kid, you know, where you really
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: take care of yourself and you have a set of
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  Speaker 2: keys at like age eight, and you're coming and going
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  Speaker 2: and letting yourself in and out. And a lot of
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  Speaker 2: people would say, oh, that's kind of a form of
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  Speaker 2: neglect or oh, that's so sad that you spend so
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  Speaker 2: much time on your own, But for me, it was
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  Speaker 2: an incredible adventure. It just it allowed me to be
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  Speaker 2: independent and to sort of be in the world and
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  Speaker 2: have my own experiences and not be bossed around. So
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  Speaker 2: I love the freedom that I was given from a
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  Speaker 2: very early age, which really I think stands in contrast
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: to the kind of helicopter parenting that we tend to
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  Speaker 2: do today that I do in my own life with
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  Speaker 2: my sons. Was also such a different world back then,
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  Speaker 2: I guess, you know.
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  Speaker 1: And what's the hottest thing about being a parent?
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  Speaker 2: The hardest thing is having kids who are totally dependent
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  Speaker 2: on us and yet want total independence from us. And
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  Speaker 2: it's managing that. It's managing the fact that you are
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: completely dependent on me for almost everything and yet you
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  Speaker 2: resent me so much.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I hear you. I hear you.
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  Speaker 3: If you could spend an hour with your kids at
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  Speaker 3: any age, what age would you choose?
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  Speaker 1: And why?
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  Speaker 2: Well, I'm really enjoying my relationships with both of my
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: sons now that they are are our young adults. You know,
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  Speaker 2: they have a lot to teach me about the books
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  Speaker 2: that they're reading, and the music they're listening to, and
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  Speaker 2: the movies they're watching, and we really get to share
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  Speaker 2: a lot of the things that I love that we
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  Speaker 2: can now have in and my younger son and I
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  Speaker 2: we have a ritual where every night, for the last
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: few years, we just watch an episode of a TV
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  Speaker 2: show together, and we've moved through seasons and seasons of
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  Speaker 2: different shows together and I love that, just sitting next
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  Speaker 2: to each other and taking something in. And it's great
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: to see them grow into adults and to emerge sexually,
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  Speaker 2: and they come to me for advice, and so I
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  Speaker 2: would say I'm really interestingly enjoying the teenage and the
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: young adult years much much more than the baby years.
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  Speaker 2: My wife loved and misses the baby years. I would
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  Speaker 2: never ever want to go back to the baby years.
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  Speaker 3: I hear you, there is something you've had that smell
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  Speaker 3: of a new boom baby though, isn't it. I mean,
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  Speaker 3: that's just the when you when you inhale at the
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  Speaker 3: top of the head, you go, oh, yeah, just it
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  Speaker 3: kind of you do float away on that.
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  Speaker 2: And I think our age into being a grandfather well
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  Speaker 2: in that way.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah yeah.
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  Speaker 3: As a six therapist, how do you go having conversations
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: about sex with your kids? Do they actually know that
• 9:03
  Speaker 3: you know stuff? Or do they roll their os and go, oh,
• 9:05
  Speaker 3: dad's just talking about sex again.
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: Well, they certainly were embarrassed by me and my books
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  Speaker 2: for many years now. I think it's a little bit
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  Speaker 2: more of a badge of pride, but you know, I
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: would say that I think my wife and I model
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: in a very healthy way what it means to be
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  Speaker 2: in an adult romantic relationship and to show up as parents,
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: to argue, to be responsible to each other. But it's
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: very clear that my wife and I are sex positive
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: and are attracted to each other and are affectionate with
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: each other. So I think the best educating I have
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  Speaker 2: done has been the silent education. It's simply been the
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  Speaker 2: modeling of how to be in a relationship.
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  Speaker 3: Last handful of questions, if you could go back to
• 9:52
  Speaker 3: you as a young parent having one of those tough
• 9:54
  Speaker 3: moments and being inexperienced and over and exhausted, what advice
• 9:59
  Speaker 3: would you give yourself?
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: Cool down, come back after you've cooled down a little bit,
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  Speaker 2: don't escalate, take time to you know, cool down, Approach
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: things with love and compassion. Sometimes with older children, realizing
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: that you can't give them the motivation, they have to
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: find it themselves. And so anything that I do give
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: now as a parent to my sons, I do so
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  Speaker 2: because I want to, and I don't have the expectation
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  Speaker 2: that they will accept it, and so if they don't
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: accept it, I try not to get angry because it
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: was my choice to give it to them or to try.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah, letting go of nice.
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: The last question for you Ian Kerner, author of So
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: tell me about the last time you had six? What's
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: been your biggest win as a dad.
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: Well, you know, with my older son, he's had a
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: lot of difficulties emotional and psychological throughout the years, and
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: it's been a it's been a real, real struggle to
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: keep him sort of grounded. And so I just yesterday
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  Speaker 2: drove him up to his college orientation. He took a
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: gap year, I mean a gap year. He didn't go
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: last year, but he's going this year. And you know
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  Speaker 2: I didn't. I didn't think he would get there, and
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  Speaker 2: he wants it. So it's not being pressured by me.
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  Speaker 2: But I'm really still believing in him. You know, I'm
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: believing in him in ways that I think even my
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: wife doesn't believe in him. So I think it's it's
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: holding on to my belief in him and the times
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: where that belief is validated.
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  Speaker 1: What a delightful conversation.
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  Speaker 3: More great interview is coming up on the Happy Families
• 11:47
  Speaker 3: podcast every day during the school holidays.
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: I really hope that the school.
• 11:50
  Speaker 3: Holidays, a great view, and that you're enjoying that break
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: from the school routine. Kyl and I returned to regular
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: Happy Families podcast programming from Tuesday, October. As always, the
• 12:01
  Speaker 3: Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Rouland from Bridge
• 12:03
  Speaker 3: Media and Craig Bruce, our executive producer.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: Thank you Craig.
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: If you want more information about making your family happier
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: or about the upcoming Happy Families Hot Mess Summit, which
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: I know I've said it before and I don't want
• 12:14
  Speaker 3: to sound like I'm overselling it, but it literally is
• 12:16
  Speaker 3: going to be the best summit that we have ever done.
• 12:19
  Speaker 3: Visit us at Happy Families dot com dot U or
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: check out our Facebook page Doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families