Latest / Your Money, Your Rules | Financial Mastery, Wealth Mindset, Leadership Principles, Intuitive Decision-Making, Human Design / 163 | Why “Luxury” Isn’t Spoiled: Why Women Feel Guilty Spending Money on Comfort
Transcript
- 0:00Erin Gray: In today's episode, I am going to be talking about the term luxury because it has been a theme recently in my client calls on several of them.
- 0:08Erin Gray: And my theory is if it is in or I'm having, you know, having this conversation with several of my clients, then it's probably also a theme in the collective.
- 0:19Erin Gray: So today I am going to be discussing like what luxury is, why do we experience guilt, or why does that show up around it, and how you can actually start experiencing luxury without the guilt, because the whole point of having money and circulating money is for fun and enjoyment and for the body.
- 0:38Erin Gray: It is not to feel shame or guilt or to, you know, pigeonhole us into a certain way of being.
- 0:44Erin Gray: I also wanted to make just a quick announcement that if you want to come and learn with me, be with other women who are on this journey with you, you can register for my free workshop that I will be hosting on Tuesday, December 16th, where I will be teaching.
- 0:59Erin Gray: This specific workshop is going to be about how to have conversations with your spouse about money with all the friction and the arguing.
- 1:06Erin Gray: And I will be putting the link in the show notes where you can just click on the link in the show notes and you can register to join.
- 1:12Erin Gray: Okay, so I went to Google because I wanted to actually understand or like get the actual definition of what luxury is.
- 1:20Erin Gray: And when I went and it and typed it in, it said the definition of luxury is the state of great comfort and extravagant living.
- 1:29Erin Gray: And so I picked apart, I was like, great comfort.
- 1:32Erin Gray: Yes, that's what, you know, because the several conversations that I had around luxury with clients was around fine, flying first class and having nicer things and air quotes when I say nicer, right?
- 1:42Erin Gray: It's just it is a judgment or a thought around what is nicer, what is nicer.
- 1:48Erin Gray: And so then I picked apart what is extravagant living.
- 1:52Erin Gray: And extravagant was defined as lacking restraint in spending money or using resources.
- 1:59Erin Gray: And then I went to see what lacking restraint meant, which was a measure or condition that keeps someone or something under control or within limits.
- 2:09Erin Gray: And I think the whole definition is amazing.
- 2:13Erin Gray: Like we don't want to live within limits.
- 2:16Erin Gray: I'm tired of having living within limits or having limits.
- 2:20Erin Gray: I don't want to be limited with money.
- 2:21Erin Gray: I know you don't want to be limited with money.
- 2:23Erin Gray: I know clients don't want to be limited with money.
- 2:25Erin Gray: Like I want all of us to feel limitless and unlimited when it comes to money and just in our life.
- 2:32Erin Gray: So when we look at luxury from this perception, from this definition, luxury is about experiencing comfort.
- 2:39Erin Gray: It's not about limiting ourselves with our resources.
- 2:42Erin Gray: And it's also not about being limited, you know, putting ourselves in a box or living within limits.
- 2:49Erin Gray: And I want to be clear here because luxury is not always about buying the most costly thing.
- 2:55Erin Gray: I think there is this, at least the way I perceive it sometimes, you have, let's say, celebrities, right?
- 3:03Erin Gray: And they talk about luxury and they're talking about name brand things.
- 3:07Erin Gray: And I don't, I think I've said this on the podcast, but I'm very vocal about there are lots of name brand designers that make their things in China.
- 3:16Erin Gray: So they make their warehouse is in the same warehouse that gets made, you know, as Target does.
- 3:21Erin Gray: So name brand is not what I'm talking about here.
- 3:24Erin Gray: And I think that that has been a societal or cultural thing that we have cultivated to think luxury equals name brand.
- 3:31Erin Gray: That's not what I'm referring to here.
- 3:33Erin Gray: And I'm not referring to as buying the most costly thing.
- 3:37Erin Gray: It's about buying and honoring what matters to you.
- 3:42Erin Gray: So when you think about luxury, I want you to change your mindset from thinking about it's, you know, a name brand to think about a luxurious amount of time, allowing yourself so much space.
- 3:56Erin Gray: Like when I first told my husband, this is years ago, like, hey, we're just gonna start flying first class.
- 4:00Erin Gray: And he's like, Well, we don't eat the food because we're plant-based.
- 4:03Erin Gray: He's like, and we don't drink alcohol.
- 4:05Erin Gray: And I'm like, yeah, but that's not why I'm buying and sitting in first class.
- 4:08Erin Gray: I'm sitting in first class because I want to be able to lay down.
- 4:11Erin Gray: I want to sit in first class because I want more space when I sit in my seat.
- 4:16Erin Gray: I want to drink unlimited amounts of seltzer water.
- 4:19Erin Gray: I want to be able to wake up refreshed when I get off of that flight.
- 4:22Erin Gray: There's more than just, you know, for us buying tickets first class of, oh, we get to sit up in the front and we get to drink.
- 4:30Erin Gray: That is not a desire for me.
- 4:32Erin Gray: But the desire to have more space, to be able to lay down, to be cared for, to have a, you know, greater flight attendant to passenger ratio, that is what is important to me.
- 4:44Erin Gray: So think about luxury as time.
- 4:46Erin Gray: Think about it as having more luxurious experiences or tools or practices that elevate your life.
- 4:55Erin Gray: And when you look at luxury and think of it from that you are deserving of it and that the body, like this is what I was telling a client the other day.
- 5:04Erin Gray: I'm like, we have money for our body.
- 5:06Erin Gray: Our soul could give two shits about money, but the body, the body loves to feel spacious and loves to have nice things and loves to sleep on nice pillows and a nice bed and live in a nice home and drive a nice car and nice, you know, air quote.
- 5:24Erin Gray: But we do things for the body and the body loves to have comfort and not to have any restraints.
- 5:30Erin Gray: So when you look at it from that standpoint and you look at it from that different view, then we can start making decisions for each individual thing versus this blanket statement of like, oh, you know, I don't want to be too luxurious or I don't want to, you know, fly, you know, I had a client tell me the other week, like, oh, I don't want to fly first class too much.
- 5:51Erin Gray: I'm like, why?
- 5:52Erin Gray: Who said, you know, where is that thought behind there why you wouldn't want to fly fly first class?
- 5:58Erin Gray: So if something adds more ease and more comfort and less limits and less restriction, why are we saying no to that?
- 6:08Erin Gray: Or why would we want to say no to that?
- 6:10Erin Gray: So I just want you to question how often have we been told, you know, oh, don't do that.
- 6:16Erin Gray: I don't want to, you know, sometimes my parents will say that about my kid, like, oh, you don't want to spoil her too much.
- 6:22Erin Gray: It's like spoiled to me has a different definition in terms of like, I think you can break it down into different ways, but spoiled in a negative connotation is you aren't grateful for what you have.
- 6:36Erin Gray: But yes, I want to be spoiled.
- 6:38Erin Gray: I want to have nice things, I want to live an amazing life.
- 6:43Erin Gray: So really start to question when you think about luxury, when you think about your experiences, when you think about your time, the clothes that you want to wear, the vacations you want to go on, the people that you want to hire in your business.
- 6:58Erin Gray: Like what feels caring for yourself and your body, your mind?
- 7:02Erin Gray: And so let's talk about why so many of us might feel guilt or we might feel shame around luxury.
- 7:10Erin Gray: A lot of us, we've all been conditioned, right, around societal and cultural beliefs.
- 7:17Erin Gray: So many of us carry belief systems from our family, from society, from culture that have luxury feeling, and I'm air quoting wrong.
- 7:29Erin Gray: And so we have a negative connotation with luxury, or we think spoiled, you know, is you don't want to be too spoiled, don't spoil them too much.
- 7:40Erin Gray: So when we judge the term luxury or what luxury is, and if we're having too much of it, because we have a judgment around it, like what is too much?
- 7:53Erin Gray: This is where I go back to the law of relativity.
- 7:56Erin Gray: Anything or something that you have or you're thinking about is only, you know, a lot or a little compared to something else.
- 8:05Erin Gray: So what are you comparing your experience with luxury to?
- 8:10Erin Gray: To someone else, to what you used to have.
- 8:15Erin Gray: And when we start judging that, right, like always use things to support you and to empower you and to serve you.
- 8:23Erin Gray: So avoiding luxury and luxurious experiences, it can keep you in this pattern of not enough or just enough.
- 8:33Erin Gray: It's almost kind of like make do, or I'll just muster through it, or uh, I'll just, you know, it's okay.
- 8:42Erin Gray: Like this will do mentality, which really, if you really get down to it, it stems from more of a scarcity mentality than it does abundance.
- 8:53Erin Gray: And I really want you to flip the switch and start thinking about luxury as a form of self-care from a place of power being powerful.
- 9:03Erin Gray: And when I say power and powerful, we also have negative connotations around that.
- 9:08Erin Gray: Power and powerful does not mean overpowering someone else, it means being in your power, right?
- 9:14Erin Gray: Empower being empowered is living and acting from your power.
- 9:19Erin Gray: It doesn't mean overpowering someone else, which we've had plenty of examples of that.
- 9:24Erin Gray: It means being in your power.
- 9:26Erin Gray: So luxury can represent self-care for us.
- 9:30Erin Gray: Like I mentioned, you know, I've had three or four conversations this past week.
- 9:35Erin Gray: So think about when we say yes to first class, we arrive well rested.
- 9:40Erin Gray: We're able to think more clearly, we are able to stay more hydrated, you're served differently, right?
- 9:48Erin Gray: You're cared for on the plane.
- 9:51Erin Gray: So thinking about why I would want, and I'm just using first class as an example.
- 9:56Erin Gray: And I'm not saying everybody needs to fly first class, but I'm just asking you to question if you want something and you're telling yourself no, you can't have it, or it's too luxurious, that might actually not be coming from what you actually want.
- 10:11Erin Gray: It could be coming from a societal or cultural or familial belief system.
- 10:17Erin Gray: And just question it.
- 10:19Erin Gray: You know, I think the biggest thing to recognize here is having more money does not make you a better human.
- 10:25Erin Gray: And I think that we have also been shown that, right?
- 10:28Erin Gray: We have been taught like if you have more money, oh, well, then you're better than somebody else.
- 10:32Erin Gray: No, you're not.
- 10:33Erin Gray: You just have more money.
- 10:34Erin Gray: Steve Jobs is not better than anybody else.
- 10:37Erin Gray: Like, pretty sure if you ask his daughter, I didn't think they had a great relationship, right?
- 10:41Erin Gray: He just had more money.
- 10:42Erin Gray: So having more money doesn't make you a better human.
- 10:44Erin Gray: Who you are, your self-concept, what you believe about yourself is how you present yourself to the world.
- 10:52Erin Gray: And then having more money just, you know, illuminates that, right?
- 10:56Erin Gray: Adds to that.
- 10:57Erin Gray: So I also think as women, we all need to be the example for other women.
- 11:04Erin Gray: And if you want to have more luxurious experiences and you aren't doing that, you have to question yourself and ask why.
- 11:12Erin Gray: So, because when we, when more of us, and let's just use the example, sit in first class, when more of us, you know, take more luxurious vacations.
- 11:21Erin Gray: And I'm not talking about the Instagram influencers and all that kind of crap.
- 11:24Erin Gray: I'm talking about because I genuinely want to sit in first class and I genuinely want to be in this beautiful hotel or this beautiful Airbnb because I want to, because I want to take my family or my girlfriends on this trip, because I want to do that.
- 11:40Erin Gray: When it comes from your heart's desire, I believe that the more of us that do that, the more that we show other women it's possible and it is let it be the new standard for everyone.
- 11:52Erin Gray: So this also comes back to is it aligned with your spending?
- 11:57Erin Gray: Investing in yourself today.
- 12:00Erin Gray: This is the way I think about it, is I'm investing in myself today because I love and I care for this body.
- 12:06Erin Gray: And I want this body to last me, you know, another hundred years, right?
- 12:10Erin Gray: And so when we are doing things from that place, we are doing it for our body because, like I mentioned, our soul, it could care less, right?
- 12:22Erin Gray: It's the experiences, the the feelings, the the lifestyle that we have, yes, it is a feeling, but it is also like for our bodies.
- 12:34Erin Gray: So let's talk about practical steps to actually enjoy luxurious experiences, luxury without the guilt.
- 12:41Erin Gray: So start small, but not too small.
- 12:43Erin Gray: So maybe it's up-leveling your coffee.
- 12:46Erin Gray: Or, you know, I have these really nice journals by Peter Popper Press.
- 12:53Erin Gray: I'll put the link in show um in the show notes.
- 12:55Erin Gray: It's on Amazon, but they're beautiful.
- 12:57Erin Gray: They're like hardcover, they are like gold-lined pages.
- 13:02Erin Gray: It just feels really nice when I write in my journal.
- 13:05Erin Gray: Think about, like I already mentioned, flying economy.
- 13:08Erin Gray: So if you're going from economy, then maybe you go to premium economy or maybe you go to business and then you move to first class.
- 13:13Erin Gray: It could even be like just your bath towels.
- 13:16Erin Gray: Like, what are the things that you can start implementing today where you know you could upgrade it and it would feel more luxurious?
- 13:24Erin Gray: And I want you to think about just all of the areas of your life.
- 13:27Erin Gray: So I'm going to name some of them.
- 13:28Erin Gray: Think about your food.
- 13:29Erin Gray: How could you up level?
- 13:30Erin Gray: How could you just decide based on what you wanted to eat versus the price?
- 13:35Erin Gray: Think about your personal care.
- 13:37Erin Gray: Like, are there certain products that you want to have that because you've said no to because of the price, but you really want them?
- 13:44Erin Gray: Think about your travel airfare, like I said, even Uber drives, right?
- 13:49Erin Gray: Like when I came out of the LA airport the other day, a couple months ago.
- 13:52Erin Gray: And the way that they have now deemed it is if you want an Uber, you have to take like a bus to, I don't even know where.
- 13:59Erin Gray: You got to go to somewhere else.
- 14:00Erin Gray: And I was like, F that.
- 14:01Erin Gray: I was like, how do I get be picked up right here?
- 14:04Erin Gray: And they're like, you have to order Uber Black.
- 14:05Erin Gray: I'm like, okay, sign me up.
- 14:07Erin Gray: What do I got to do?
- 14:07Erin Gray: Right.
- 14:08Erin Gray: It was easy.
- 14:09Erin Gray: It was, it saved me not only the time, but the mental, like figuring out how to get from the terminal I was in, to get on a bus, to go to wherever I needed to go, to then order an Uber.
- 14:22Erin Gray: It's just was nice to walk out of the terminal and just be like, here, pick me up right here.
- 14:26Erin Gray: So your Uber drives, your Airbnbs, think about your clothing, how you invest in yourself.
- 14:34Erin Gray: Like all of that is previous, like obviously everything is investing, but like with your coaches and your mentors, and always go back to your body.
- 14:42Erin Gray: Like use your body as a compass.
- 14:44Erin Gray: Notice when you're spending or your experiences feel energizing.
- 14:49Erin Gray: And then notice when they feel shame-inducing, right?
- 14:53Erin Gray: So when you are purchasing something because you want to, you know, I had a client, like I told you, she wanted to do first class.
- 15:01Erin Gray: And then I asked her, Well, how did you feel after you purchased the ticket and you had the experience?
- 15:06Erin Gray: She's like, I loved it.
- 15:07Erin Gray: It felt so good.
- 15:08Erin Gray: And I said, then you need to remember that the next time you're ready to purchase a ticket, and your mind starts to give you, oh, you're being spoiled, oh, not too luxurious.
- 15:17Erin Gray: Oh, you've been booking too many first class tickets lately.
- 15:21Erin Gray: Like you have to go back to like, what is actually my mind and what actually feels good in the body?
- 15:27Erin Gray: And like everything I talk about and teach, play with this.
- 15:31Erin Gray: Get in the habit and practice doing things and feeling luxurious.
- 15:36Erin Gray: And like I said, it doesn't have to be first class.
- 15:38Erin Gray: If that's too far of a jump for your nervous system, then like what are some, like I mentioned, like some bath towels, or maybe it's a nicer cup of coffee, or whatever it is for you.
- 15:48Erin Gray: Just start playing with this.
- 15:50Erin Gray: What I really want you to get to is like this is a state of being.
- 15:55Erin Gray: This is this is an identity shift.
- 15:58Erin Gray: So what do you, and I want to be very clear also, is like doing these things when you still aren't doing the internal work on your mindset and your emotions isn't going to shift it long term.
- 16:10Erin Gray: So you have to do the internal work, right?
- 16:12Erin Gray: Like there's lots of people that probably five fly first class and live in amazing homes and still feel really shitty about themselves.
- 16:18Erin Gray: That's not what I'm advocating for.
- 16:20Erin Gray: I'm advocating for you to do the internal work and also allow yourself to enjoy the external experiences as well.
- 16:27Erin Gray: And the more you do it, the easier it gets.
- 16:30Erin Gray: And the more familiar your nervous system becomes with this.
- 16:33Erin Gray: And that is the whole point.
- 16:35Erin Gray: Like we want our nervous system to feel normal and to expect luxury.
- 16:39Erin Gray: The only reason why it feels a little odd right now, along with the mindset, is because our nervous system isn't used to feeling this way.
- 16:46Erin Gray: So the more that we get into it, the more that we do it, the more familiar that we will feel and the more we will expect it.
- 16:53Erin Gray: Like this will be our new normal, and then it'll be up-leveling on something else.
- 16:57Erin Gray: Okay, so play with this this week.
- 16:59Erin Gray: Really question yourself like, where am I wanting some, you know, more luxurious experiences?
- 17:06Erin Gray: And I'm not giving them to myself and start to decide, okay, what's one thing that I'm gonna change this week?
- 17:13Erin Gray: And then really also look at the mind chatter that comes up when your mind, you know, tells you whatever it might be, because those are the thoughts and the beliefs that you've got to work on and clear in order to come back to, you know, your abundant, luxurious, amazing self.
- 17:30Erin Gray: Okay, I love you.
- 17:31Erin Gray: I will see you in the next episode.