Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 211: When Your Nervous System Treats Burnt Toast Like a House Fire: Calming The Nervous System and Adjusting Reactions

Transcript

211: When Your Nervous System Treats Burnt Toast Like a House Fire: Calming The Nervous System and Adjusting Reactions · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Speaker: Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  Speaker: So first I'm really curious, what is the weather like where you were at?
• 0:26
  Speaker: Spring in northern Utah is kind of crazy.
• 0:28
  Speaker: I think that we have experienced all four seasons, multiple weeks in a row, and it's kind of crazy.
• 0:33
  Speaker: I think we're like maybe slowly getting more sun than snow, but every day is an adventure here.
• 0:39
  Speaker: So today we're going to be talking about smoke alarms and the alarms that go off in our head.
• 0:45
  Speaker: So have you ever smelled smoke and then you kind of instantly start running around the house?
• 0:48
  Speaker: You're trying to find the source of it, wondering, oh no, was that match really out when I put it in the trash?
• 0:53
  Speaker: Maybe somebody burned some popcorn, maybe something was left in the oven for too long.
• 0:57
  Speaker: But smoke alarms are going off even, and you smell it and you're not quite sure how bad it is yet, but there's definitely something going on, and until you find the source, then you're really on high alert.
• 1:10
  Speaker: I remember when my babies were babies and my youngest, who was probably three at the time, she just loved to come in bed with me.
• 1:16
  Speaker: So she was practicing sleeping in her own bed, but multiple nights a week she'd get out of bed and she'd come and she'd climb in bed with me.
• 1:24
  Speaker: And most of the time she'd be sleeping, you know, in the crook of my arm with her head on my shoulder, and I don't know what the appeal was, but throughout the night, she would slowly creep up and eventually she would end up sleeping on my face.
• 1:37
  Speaker: So that's what was happening on this particular night, is I brought her into bed with me and then she slowly was creeping up and sleeping on my face like a cat.
• 1:45
  Speaker: And then when that happens is I just know it's time for me to take her to her room because nobody can sleep like that, right?
• 1:51
  Speaker: So I was taking her to her bedroom and when I opened up my bedroom door, I smelled smoke.
• 1:56
  Speaker: And it was a very strong smell of smoke.
• 1:58
  Speaker: It was so strong I couldn't really tell what direction to go in to even look for it.
• 2:02
  Speaker: And I opened up my other daughter's bedroom door, and then it just hit me so hard.
• 2:07
  Speaker: The smoke was so strong, I couldn't see any flames, but this was definitely where the smoke was coming from.
• 2:12
  Speaker: So in the middle of the night, I turned on the light and I was trying to find the source, and then I could see that her blanket.
• 2:19
  Speaker: It was smoking.
• 2:20
  Speaker: And what had happened was my five-year-old had taken the lamp in underneath her blankets so that she could read at night without my knowing.
• 2:28
  Speaker: And then when she fell asleep, the blanket fell down on top of the bulb and it had burned a hole in her quilt while she was sleeping in that bed.
• 2:37
  Speaker: And I noticed that my nervous system was so scared, my nervous system was responding to what could have happened, and I had a harder time bringing it back to what did happen, like how perfectly that my 3-year-old decided to sleep on my face that night so that I would be compelled to get up in the night and find the smell, and then find the source.
• 2:56
  Speaker: And really, we were safe.
• 2:59
  Speaker: The only damage that was done was a hole in that quilt, but the quilt didn't instantly burst into flames.
• 3:04
  Speaker: My kids were okay.
• 3:05
  Speaker: My house didn't burn down, but my nervous system was having a little bit of a different response.
• 3:11
  Speaker: And that's what we're gonna be talking about today is kind of noticing where your nervous system, it might be reacting to a burnt quilt or maybe burnt toast in the same way that it would be responding to if your house was actually on fire.
• 3:24
  Speaker: Because for many of my listeners, then it can be a challenge for the nervous system to know the difference, and that means oftentimes we're responding with a 10 out of 10 emotional response regardless of how serious the actual situation is.
• 3:37
  Speaker: For example, maybe you didn't get invited out to lunch with your coworkers or somebody honked at you while in traffic, or you got a text that says, Hey, can we talk tonight?
• 3:47
  Speaker: And for some people then those things, then they'll just roll right off of their back.
• 3:51
  Speaker: But when you are somebody who has been conditioned to tie your sense of personal safety to other people's reactions to you, like many people pleasers have been conditioned to do, then those moments, they don't feel small, but instead, then they immediately feel like rejection.
• 4:06
  Speaker: Or danger or a loss of community or belonging, it can feel so scary and jarring.
• 4:11
  Speaker: And then the body, it responds accordingly, right?
• 4:15
  Speaker: So your heart rate, it picks up your thoughts, they start racing, and you have a big pit in your stomach, and then suddenly it feels like, okay, something is very, very wrong.
• 4:24
  Speaker: I'm not sure that I'm okay here.
• 4:27
  Speaker: now, before we go any further, I just wanna say this clearly, nothing is wrong with you if you have big emotions and a big nervous system response to different situations.
• 4:36
  Speaker: Your brain and your nervous system, they're just doing exactly what they've been designed to do.
• 4:41
  Speaker: There was a time in human history when rejection from the group.
• 4:45
  Speaker: It literally meant danger.
• 4:47
  Speaker: If you were cast out of the tribe, then you could lose access to food.
• 4:50
  Speaker: You could lose access to shelter and protection.
• 4:53
  Speaker: It would mean exposure to the elements, and it could mean death.
• 4:57
  Speaker: And so your brain learned over time to, okay, I need to stay connected at all costs.
• 5:02
  Speaker: And then anything that could potentially threaten the connection, it instantly felt like an immediate threat to personal survival.
• 5:10
  Speaker: But here's the thing is we do not live in caves anymore, so not getting invited to lunch, it's not the same as being cast out into the wilderness.
• 5:20
  Speaker: Somebody honking at you...
• 5:22
  Speaker: it is not a threat to your personal survival.
• 5:24
  Speaker: Somebody saying we need to talk...
• 5:26
  Speaker: it doesn't automatically mean that there's danger, but your nervous system doesn't always know that.
• 5:33
  Speaker: So what do we do?
• 5:36
  Speaker: First, we slow it down and we start to ask better questions.
• 5:40
  Speaker: Now, two foundational questions that I like to ask myself when I'm having a big reaction.
• 5:45
  Speaker: It can feel like that big spike, that emotional surge that oh no feeling.
• 5:49
  Speaker: Two questions I like to ask are, am I safe and do I feel safe?
• 5:53
  Speaker: Yeah, because those two things are not the same thing.
• 5:56
  Speaker: So when you ask yourself those two questions, you might start to notice that you know what?
• 6:01
  Speaker: My body, it feels unsafe right now.
• 6:04
  Speaker: But when I look around the room, I can see, okay, well, nobody's trying to harm me right now.
• 6:08
  Speaker: Nobody is charging at me with a weapon.
• 6:11
  Speaker: I have shelter.
• 6:12
  Speaker: I'm physically safe right now.
• 6:14
  Speaker: I'm not being physically attacked.
• 6:16
  Speaker: And so just noticing that distinction between, okay, my body doesn't feel safe, but my mind knows I am safe.
• 6:22
  Speaker: Then it can actually be incredibly grounding.
• 6:24
  Speaker: It can help to bring you back into the present moment.
• 6:27
  Speaker: And here's another question that I like to ask when I find myself having a 10 outta 10 reaction is, okay, is the house on fire or is this just burned toast?
• 6:38
  Speaker: Because they're both going to create a smell.
• 6:41
  Speaker: They both can trigger reaction.
• 6:43
  Speaker: They both can set off the smoke alarm, and both of them are going to get your attention, but they require very different responses.
• 6:52
  Speaker: Okay.
• 6:52
  Speaker: If you called 9 1 1 for burned toast, then that might be a problem, right?
• 6:57
  Speaker: Because burned toast, yes, it can be annoying, it can be uncomfortable.
• 7:01
  Speaker: It can be a little bit wasteful and inconvenient to have burnt toast, but it's completely manageable.
• 7:08
  Speaker: But a house fire, that's when, okay, I need immediate attention.
• 7:12
  Speaker: I need to call for help.
• 7:13
  Speaker: This is urgent.
• 7:14
  Speaker: This is dangerous.
• 7:15
  Speaker: There's an actual threat to my personal safety, and it requires immediate action to be taken.
• 7:21
  Speaker: And what happens for a lot of people pleasers that haven't learned how to manage the nervous system, is that everything starts to feel like a house fire.
• 7:29
  Speaker: Everything is a 10 out of 10 reaction.
• 7:32
  Speaker: Now, before coaching.
• 7:34
  Speaker: I used to really live in my head about everything, so if I wasn't invited somewhere, I would have an instant story in my head.
• 7:41
  Speaker: My 10 out of 10 reaction would be uhoh.
• 7:43
  Speaker: They don't like me.
• 7:44
  Speaker: I must've done something wrong.
• 7:46
  Speaker: I need to fix this.
• 7:46
  Speaker: I would feel very panicked and very urgent in that situation.
• 7:50
  Speaker: I would spiral, but with coaching then things have improved significantly.
• 7:56
  Speaker: For me.
• 7:56
  Speaker: I'm better able to distinguish between burn toast and a house fire, for example, a few years ago than I was at a women's event and there was a group of women that I knew we were friendly.
• 8:05
  Speaker: We were in similar, A few years ago I was at a women's event and there was a group of women there that I knew, and we were friendly with each other.
• 8:13
  Speaker: We ran around in similar circles.
• 8:15
  Speaker: We weren't circle close, but yeah, we knew each other pretty well.
• 8:18
  Speaker: And so I was chatting with this group of women and then at some point then they started talking about their monthly dinner.
• 8:26
  Speaker: They were talking about where they were gonna go, what time, who was coming.
• 8:31
  Speaker: And I was just standing there uninvited.
• 8:35
  Speaker: And then at that point, then one of them actually pointed out the obvious and they said, oh, hey guys, I don't think MaryAnn is invited.
• 8:43
  Speaker: Maybe we should talk about this later.
• 8:45
  Speaker: And I was literally standing right there hearing this whole thing.
• 8:49
  Speaker: And honestly, I wasn't upset.
• 8:53
  Speaker: Because of coaching, I was able to just be curious about it.
• 8:56
  Speaker: I was curious about, well, how interesting that they're choosing to talk about this right now, and in my presence, knowing that I'm not invited, but I wasn't hurt.
• 9:05
  Speaker: My house wasn't burning down.
• 9:07
  Speaker: And yeah, this was just a little bit of stinky burned toast.
• 9:11
  Speaker: My house wasn't burning down.
• 9:13
  Speaker: This was just a little bit of stinky burned toast.
• 9:17
  Speaker: So they all kind of stood there awkwardly once it was pointed out to them.
• 9:20
  Speaker: Ultimately, no, I did not get an invitation, but you know what I did do?
• 9:25
  Speaker: I decided to go and find another group to talk to.
• 9:28
  Speaker: And it was fine.
• 9:30
  Speaker: Now, there was a time when that moment would've sent me spinning.
• 9:34
  Speaker: I would've made it mean they don't like me.
• 9:36
  Speaker: I'm not good enough.
• 9:37
  Speaker: I don't belong here.
• 9:38
  Speaker: Something must be wrong with me.
• 9:41
  Speaker: The alarms would be blaring.
• 9:43
  Speaker: I would be in emergency management mode.
• 9:46
  Speaker: But in reality, it was just a little bit awkward.
• 9:50
  Speaker: It was a little uncomfortable for me, but it wasn't dangerous.
• 9:55
  Speaker: And also, let's be honest, they already had an established group.
• 9:59
  Speaker: They were better.
• 10:02
  Speaker: And let's be honest, they already had an established group.
• 10:05
  Speaker: They'd obviously been doing this for a while, and I realized that, yeah, I think that we're just better suited to be acquaintances instead of intimate friends, and that's okay.
• 10:15
  Speaker: And also I know that for me, I prefer to hang out with women who are inclusive and considerate of their audience.
• 10:21
  Speaker: And so honestly, it was fine.
• 10:24
  Speaker: I was able to go and talk with other women and it turned out just fine.
• 10:28
  Speaker: So let's kind of explore another important distinction here.
• 10:31
  Speaker: When your house is burning down, you're unsafe.
• 10:35
  Speaker: And when you're unsafe, you're at risk of serious harm when there's burn to.
• 10:42
  Speaker: So let's explore.
• 10:44
  Speaker: Now, let's explore this distinction a little bit further.
• 10:46
  Speaker: When your house is burning down, you are literally unsafe.
• 10:51
  Speaker: And when you are unsafe, you are at risk for serious harm.
• 10:55
  Speaker: But when there's bird toast, but when there's burned toast, it's just a little uncomfortable in the moment and a little offensive to the nose, and that's it.
• 11:04
  Speaker: But your brain doesn't always distinguish between the two of those things.
• 11:08
  Speaker: Okay?
• 11:08
  Speaker: Your brain's job is just to sound the alarm, to keep you safe.
• 11:11
  Speaker: Hey, I smell smoke.
• 11:12
  Speaker: You better find the source of it, and then you get to figure out what it is that you're gonna do with it.
• 11:15
  Speaker: So your brain is gonna sound the alarm, it's gonna trigger the smoke detectors, and then you get to figure.
• 11:24
  Speaker: And then you get to figure out how serious it is.
• 11:27
  Speaker: Now, let's kind of walk through some everyday examples and slow them down a little bit.
• 11:31
  Speaker: Okay?
• 11:31
  Speaker: These are some situations that I see in my coaching practice where people might have a big reaction to them.
• 11:35
  Speaker: Okay?
• 11:36
  Speaker: For example, somebody honks at you in traffic.
• 11:39
  Speaker: Your brain is going to say, oh, I must have done something wrong.
• 11:42
  Speaker: They must be mad at me.
• 11:43
  Speaker: I'm unsafe.
• 11:45
  Speaker: But in reality.
• 11:46
  Speaker: The other person, they're just reacting to something you are still physically safe.
• 11:51
  Speaker: Maybe they just liked your bumper sticker.
• 11:53
  Speaker: Maybe they're in a hurry, but it doesn't automatically mean that you've done anything wrong when somebody honks.
• 11:59
  Speaker: Okay, so just let it go.
• 12:02
  Speaker: Okay, another example.
• 12:03
  Speaker: You received a, can we talk tonight?
• 12:05
  Speaker: Text.
• 12:05
  Speaker: And your brain wants to jump into something is wrong.
• 12:09
  Speaker: I'm in trouble.
• 12:10
  Speaker: I must've done something wrong and I don't know what it is, and I don't know how to fix it.
• 12:12
  Speaker: And now I'm in freak out mode.
• 12:14
  Speaker: But in reality.
• 12:16
  Speaker: It could be something completely neutral.
• 12:18
  Speaker: They might want to have an inform, they might wanna have an informational talk with you.
• 12:22
  Speaker: It might even be a positive talk with you.
• 12:24
  Speaker: We don't know.
• 12:26
  Speaker: So don't let your brain run away with one storyline just because the alarm bells are going off.
• 12:32
  Speaker: Okay?
• 12:32
  Speaker: Another example.
• 12:33
  Speaker: You weren't invited to something.
• 12:35
  Speaker: Your brain is going to say, I'm being rejected.
• 12:38
  Speaker: They don't like me.
• 12:40
  Speaker: They don't like me.
• 12:41
  Speaker: We must not be friends anymore, when in reality, there could be a hundred reasons that you weren't invited that have nothing to do with your worth.
• 12:50
  Speaker: All right?
• 12:51
  Speaker: Let's say that you are getting your performance review at work, and your brain wants to say, I'm failing.
• 12:56
  Speaker: I'm going to get fired.
• 12:57
  Speaker: This is the end.
• 12:58
  Speaker: But the truth is that feedback, it's just a part of growth and feeling a little bit of discomfort, it doesn't automatically mean that you are in danger.
• 13:07
  Speaker: Okay?
• 13:07
  Speaker: So just embrace the.
• 13:10
  Speaker: Okay, so just embrace, your brain is going to say, I'm failing.
• 13:17
  Speaker: I don't.
• 13:17
  Speaker: I'm, your brain is going to say, I'm failing.
• 13:21
  Speaker: I'm gonna get fired.
• 13:22
  Speaker: This is the end for me.
• 13:24
  Speaker: But in reality, then guess what?
• 13:25
  Speaker: Critical feedback.
• 13:27
  Speaker: It's just a part of growth.
• 13:28
  Speaker: Being uncomfortable.
• 13:30
  Speaker: Hearing that critical feedback, it doesn't.
• 13:32
  Speaker: Being uncomfortable hearing that critical feedback, it doesn't automatically mean that you're in danger.
• 13:38
  Speaker: All right.
• 13:38
  Speaker: Another really common one, somebody's disappointed in you.
• 13:42
  Speaker: Your brain is gonna say, oh no, I've messed up.
• 13:44
  Speaker: I need to fix this.
• 13:45
  Speaker: I must have done something wrong.
• 13:47
  Speaker: When in reality, guess what?
• 13:49
  Speaker: You can survive somebody else's feelings and they're being upset.
• 13:53
  Speaker: It doesn't necessarily mean that you've done anything wrong, and I especially wanna repeat this for all of my parents of teenagers, guess what?
• 14:00
  Speaker: They're gonna have feelings.
• 14:01
  Speaker: There's gonna be days when they don't like you.
• 14:03
  Speaker: It does not automatically mean.
• 14:05
  Speaker: That you're a bad parent.
• 14:06
  Speaker: Okay?
• 14:08
  Speaker: All right.
• 14:08
  Speaker: Another example, your child gets a poor grade and your brain's gonna jump into, oh no, this is a pattern.
• 14:14
  Speaker: This is the beginning of the end.
• 14:15
  Speaker: They're going to struggle forever.
• 14:17
  Speaker: I must be failing as a parent.
• 14:18
  Speaker: What is the teacher going to think of me?
• 14:21
  Speaker: But what if your kid was just tired that day?
• 14:24
  Speaker: What if they didn't understand the assignment?
• 14:26
  Speaker: What if they had an off day?
• 14:28
  Speaker: What if this is a learning opportunity and it's better that they fail on this one assignment so that they can learn the lesson and they don't fail later on in life?
• 14:36
  Speaker: What if this is perfect timing?
• 14:38
  Speaker: So seeing this as a burnt toast situation, it can help you to respond with curiosity instead of panic instead of panic.
• 14:48
  Speaker: All right.
• 14:48
  Speaker: Now imagine that you are in a near car accident, okay?
• 14:52
  Speaker: So your nervous system, it's completely lit up right now and you're thinking, oh no, that was close.
• 14:56
  Speaker: We're not safe.
• 14:57
  Speaker: We're not safe.
• 14:58
  Speaker: I can't believe that almost happened, but pause for a moment, what actually happened.
• 15:05
  Speaker: You're okay.
• 15:06
  Speaker: Yeah, everybody is okay.
• 15:08
  Speaker: Your body is currently reacting to what could have happened.
• 15:12
  Speaker: It's not responding to what did happen, so just slow it down and remind yourself that, okay, these alarm bell, and just remind yourself that, okay, these alarm bells, they're here to keep me safe, but I am safe.
• 15:24
  Speaker: Okay?
• 15:24
  Speaker: That's another situation where it's very helpful to ask yourself the question, am I safe?
• 15:29
  Speaker: Do I feel safe?
• 15:30
  Speaker: And kind of bringing a little bit of distinction in there so that you can get more grounded in that situation.
• 15:35
  Speaker: When everything feels like a house is on fire, then you're living in constant urgency, a constant state of emergency.
• 15:43
  Speaker: You're in constant anxiety, you're in constant self abandonment.
• 15:47
  Speaker: But when you learn to distinguish between, but when you learn to distinguish between burn toast and a house fire, that's when you can create some space, okay?
• 15:56
  Speaker: And in that space, you get to choose a more appropriate response.
• 16:02
  Speaker: Now, if you take nothing else from this episode, I want you to take this when you feel yourself being triggered, just pause and ask yourself, am I safe?
• 16:12
  Speaker: Do I feel safe?
• 16:13
  Speaker: And is this a house fire or is it just burned toast?
• 16:18
  Speaker: And then let it be okay if it's just uncomfortable.
• 16:22
  Speaker: You do not have to fix it immediately.
• 16:25
  Speaker: You don't even have to make it go away.
• 16:27
  Speaker: You can just be with the discomfort and know that that stinky smell, the house is gonna air out eventually.
• 16:33
  Speaker: It's going to be okay.
• 16:35
  Speaker: Now, if you recognize yourself in this, if your brain tends to treat everything like an emergency, I want you to know that you can learn how to tolerate discomfort.
• 16:44
  Speaker: You can learn how to stay grounded.
• 16:46
  Speaker: Even when you smell smoke and the smoke alarms are going off, you can learn how to rewrite the story that your brain is telling you into something that's more supportive for you in the life that you wanna create.
• 16:55
  Speaker: And that is exactly what I do with my coaching clients.
• 16:59
  Speaker: So if you're ready to stop living in constant house fire mode and start responding from a place of calm clarity.
• 17:06
  Speaker: And self-trust, then I would love to support you.
• 17:09
  Speaker: I'm currently filling up my summer calendar and I would love to have you on it so you can email me at maryann@maryannwalker.life or click the link in the show notes now to check out my current availability.
• 17:19
  Speaker: I would love to work with you.
• 17:21
  Speaker: You are not in danger.
• 17:22
  Speaker: You are just learning how to sit with a little bit of stinky burned toast and it's going to be okay.
• 17:27
  Speaker: All right.
• 17:28
  Speaker: I promise you can handle it.
• 17:31
  Speaker: All right, well, I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 17:33
  Speaker: Bye now.