Latest / The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast / 81. Stop googling 'narcissists' - What Australian protective parents REALLY need to understand

Transcript

81. Stop googling 'narcissists' - What Australian protective parents REALLY need to understand · The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you've ever found yourself obsessively Googling is he a covert narcissist or what kind of narcissist am I dealing with?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Or how do I communicate with a narcissist?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: This episode is for you.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: I want to tell you something gently but clearly.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: If you're Googling stuff about narcissists, you're likely focusing on completely the wrong problem.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not because you're doing anything wrong, it's not because you're not smart, it's not because you're overreacting.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: But because the entire online world has done a pretty good job training protective parents to look at the personality of the abuser instead of the pattern of behaviour that's harming the kids.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: This is the episode that I wish every protective parent heard on day one.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, I'm Danielle Black.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is the Post Separation Abuse Podcast, and today I'm going to talk about why the narcissism label feels so satisfying, but ultimately keeps you stuck, and what you should be focusing on instead if you want the system to finally understand what you're dealing with.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Before we begin, a quick note.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: What I share here is education, strategy and research, not legal advice or individual coaching.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: And although most coercive control in my practice and in the research is perpetrated by men, it can be perpetrated by any gender.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: If this episode brings things up for you, if you're triggered, please pause, take a step back, and return another time.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: This episode might hit close to home for many of you, and for some of you in the best possible way.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Let me be blunt.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, I can hear some of my clients chuckling because I've got to say being direct and to the point is kind of my trademark.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: I have coached hundreds of protective parents over the years, and so many of them come to me trying to work out what kind of a narcissist their ex is.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: And do you know what so many of those parents tell me later?
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Words to the effect of Danielle, I wish I had found you sooner.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: I wasted so much time googling the wrong stuff.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: So today I'm going to talk about three things.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: One, why narcissism content feels so compelling.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Two, why it's pretty much strategically useless in Australian family law.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: And three, what actually matters and how you can shift your focus fast.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: This episode is going to potentially save you months or years of confusion.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: So firstly, why do we get so obsessed with the whole narcissism label in the first place?
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Well let's be honest, narcissism content can be pretty seductive.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: It can help make sense of some of the chaos.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: It labels oftentimes what feels unnamable.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: It says, quote, here's the reason they act like that.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: And it offers really catchy language.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Covert narcissist, grandiose narcissist, hoovering, love bombing, supply, no contact, grey rock, yellow rock.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: It feels like clarity.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: But the truth that no one tells you is that narcissism labels might give a little bit of insight in some situations, but they really don't give a lot of strategy.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Particularly post separation and particularly if you're in the legal system in Australia.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: They might help you to understand your former partner, but they don't help you to truly protect your kids.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: They absolutely do not help you in Australian family law, Australian mediation, Australian family reports, Australian family court, Australian safety planning, Australian documenting, and advocating effectively, you guessed it, in Australia.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: I've seen so many parents lose months or years analysing their ex's personality.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, the kids are being actively triangulated, intimidated, emotionally parentified, isolated, undermined, and indoctrinated.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: And unfortunately, consuming all the narcissism content often keeps you stuck.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: It might help to explain some of the behaviour, but it doesn't usually help you respond to it in any way that's going to help you to optimise your outcome on any genuine level.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the part no one tells you.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: The family court in Australia doesn't care whether someone's a narcissist unless they have a clinical diagnosis from an unbiased, properly trained assessor, which 99.999% never do, the label carries zero legal weight.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: And even when someone is diagnosed with a personality disorder, it still does not prove abuse, it still does not prove risk, it still does not prove coercive control or other forms of family violence, and it still does not prove parenting capacity issues.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: And they are the things that Australian courts care about.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: They care about behaviour, they care about patterns, they care about the impact to kids.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Not labels, not TikTok definitions, not amateur diagnoses, not quote narcissistic traits.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, if you go into the system saying, quote, they are a narcissist, or he's a covert narcissist, or she's a malignant narcissist, professionals are likely going to see you as attempting to inappropriately diagnose.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: They might see you as overinvolved, over-emotional, lacking objectivity, reactive, and focused on yourself and adult issues instead of on the impact to your children.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: This doesn't mean that your concerns are wrong.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: It means that you're likely using the wrong language for the wrong audience.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Rather, the Australian system needs what happened, how often, any escalation, how the children were affected, what pattern this is a part of, why the pattern is harmful, and how that pattern can impact healthy child development.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Those are the things that can help move your case forward, not labels on your ex.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: So what about all of the stuff out there designed to help you communicate with a quote narcissist?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: This is a big one.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: There is lots of shit out there for you to buy.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Trust me, I know I bought some of it back in the day when I had no fucking idea what I was dealing with.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Oftentimes the information out there, the content out there is not designed for parenting situations.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's not designed for situations where you're in the legal system and you're parenting under a microscope.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Oftentimes it can be designed for no contact situations.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: But you need to be very, very careful when you are employing strategies to communicate with someone with whom you might share parental responsibility, with whom you might be coming face to face with at changeovers, with someone who has regular contact with the children, with someone who has involvement at your children's school, with someone who is also utilizing the legal system to engage with you, with someone who could be using the kids to monitor you, with someone who's sending messages that require actual responses, with someone who might use silence as an excuse to escalate things.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Using communication designed for quote communicating with a narcissist in a family law context in Australia can and does backfire.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: And here's why.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because even some communication that's framed as quote yellow rock can be misinterpreted as being uncooperative.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: It can escalate the controlling parent.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's not often sustainable when contact is required.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot grey rock or yellow rock your way out of court orders.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't help you to document the things that really matter.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Minimal responses don't show patterns.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: And the communication often doesn't protect your kids.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: It might protect you emotionally, but it's not necessarily doing anything for your children.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: It can also lead to more dangerous patterns.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Particularly for people engaging in grey rock communication, and even for some with yellow rock, they can see an increase in triangulation, more information being extracted from kids, more undermining aggression, threats, legal coercion.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of these specific narcissism communication strategies are about coping.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: They're about managing trauma.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: They're not necessarily appropriate for post-separation parenting strategy.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Again, I'm talking from an Australian context, that's another concern.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: That so much content out there specific to narcissistic abuse is not designed for an Australian audience.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Rather, what you need is boundary-based, child focused, documentation-oriented communication.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: So what should you be focusing on instead?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: I get it, it's confusing.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: The first important thing is to stop focusing on why the other parent behaves that way and instead start focusing on what they're doing and how it's harming your kids.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: The three pillars that you actually need are number one, patterns.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: What pattern does this particular behaviour belong to?
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Patterns are something that is unpacked in a lot of detail in the coercive control module in the post-separation parenting blueprint.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: The second pillar is documentation.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: How do you record it in a way that professionals will take seriously, that will help to identify the escalation, that will show the frequency, the impact to the kids, and the developmental harm to children.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: The third pillar is the impact to children.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: What does the pattern mean for your child's emotional safety, attachment, identity development, agency and autonomy, functioning, schooling, mental and psychological well-being?
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: All of those things are covered in the coercive control module in the blueprint.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: Professionals respond to behaviors that are clearly identified, patterns that are identified, and the impact on children being identified.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Not quote, he's a narcissist, or she's manipulative, or he's abusive, or she's controlling.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Labels can feel powerful, but evidence actually is powerful.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: And once protective parents make this shift, everything can start to change for the better.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: You can stop feeling crazy, stop reacting, stop getting hooked, stop trying to educate professionals and others with pop psychology, and start documenting strategically, start presenting clearly, start advocating effectively, and start building cases that professionals can actually understand.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the moment every single time when parents that I'm working with say to me, Danielle, why didn't anyone tell me any of this sooner?
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: And again, this is why I created the blueprint.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Not to talk about narcissists, and honestly, I'm not even sure if I mention the word narcissist in the blueprint at all.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: I might in the safety assessment section, specifically when we're talking about mental health concerns in the other parent, but in a broad context in terms of mental health conditions, one of which is a personality disorder.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because the reality is whether or not your former partner is a narcissist is not going to matter to the vast majority of professionals that you come into contact with on your post-separation journey.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Especially not the professionals in the legal system.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: And the work that Trudy and I do with clients is not talking about narcissists, it's helping clients to protect their kids and to optimize their overall outcome.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: So to be clear, the post-separation parenting blueprint is not a narcissist identification course.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: It covers behavior analysis, pattern mapping, documentation, developmental harm, strategic communication.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: And it's focused on child safety, but in a way that legal professionals can understand and that is actually going to matter in terms of you building your case.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: It teaches you what the different coercive control patterns are, how they operate, how they harm kids, how to best document them, how to present them, how to advocate without triggering defensiveness in the people that you're talking with, how to maintain boundaries, how to recognize escalation, how to stay strategic.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's everything that you actually need and nothing that you don't.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason that I know that it's everything that you actually need and nothing that you don't is because I'm a fellow traveller.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: I've been where you are.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is not just book learning for me.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: This is lived experience.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: I created the very thing that I wished that I had had on my journey.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: The coercive control deep dive module is one of the most comprehensive, detailed practical resources on coercive control for Australian protective parents.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: This is the road map for post-separation parenting, or the blueprint, as it were.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: And coaching is the guide.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: But again, you need the map first.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: The Black Friday promotion for Danielle Black Coaching starts Friday, November 28, and from then until midnight, December 12, you get$300 off the blueprint.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: This is the biggest discount that we've ever offered.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: You also get four months complementary access to the beta version of AI Daniel.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: AI Daniel is your 24-7 calm, grounded, evidence-based, no bullshit partner.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's like ChatGPT, but it's me.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: It helps you refine messages, identify patterns, document incidents, regulate before responding, interpret behaviour, apply blueprint principles and frameworks, and navigate communication traps.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's like having a strategic, steady version of me in your pocket, as one of my clients has referred to it as it's Danielle in your pocket.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: And the offer also applies to all of the people who are already accessing the full version of the blueprint and all of the clients who are working with Trudy and myself via a coaching package.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: For current clients and those who are currently utilizing the blueprint, there'll be more information coming out to you soon about how you can access AI Danielle.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what I want you to take away today.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to diagnose your ex.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need labels.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need TikTok definitions.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: You need to instead recognize patterns, learn how to document and to be documenting the right things, to focus on the impact to your children, to be able to present things strategically, and to become the expert in your own case.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: That is what moves your situation forward.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: That is what makes all the difference.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: So mark your calendar.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: For Danielle Black Coaching, our Black Friday promotion opens this Friday, November 28.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: If you're ready for clarity instead of confusion, strategy instead of overwhelm, and power instead of paralysis, the blueprint really is your turning point.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: And Trudy and I are here as your guides if you need us.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, trust what you're saying.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: Your kids need you to understand this clearly.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: And in the blueprint, you get the frameworks that really do change everything.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for your time.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'll look forward to chatting with you again soon.