Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1115 - Q&A: Inappropriate Photos

Transcript

#1115 - Q&A: Inappropriate Photos · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:04
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: time for parent who just wants answers. Now, Welcome to
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: the Happy Families Podcast. I am doctor Justin Colson today
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: answering your questions on the podcast. This one is definitely
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: not one for the kids, or maybe it is, but
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: you want to listen to it definitely first and certainly
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: not for younger kids. Listener discretion is advised. If you
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: would like to submit your questions, just go to happy
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: families dot com dot you and leave us a voice memo.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: Happy families dot com dot you, scroll down to where
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: it says podcasts, push the button start talking. It's our
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: super simple system. It really is that easy. Submit your
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: question at happy families dot com dot au. Today's question
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: comes from Emily in New Zealand.
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: Hi, Justin and Curley. Just a quick Christian regarding our
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: beautiful son who happened to tell us the other morning
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: that one of her little friends with pure friend and
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: apparently wants to take photos of her vagina our fadus seven.
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: So it's a friend and we obviously feel like this
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: is concerning not something we've had come up ever before.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: So we're really about your thoughts. Thanks.
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: Okay, So, Emily, this is concerning. You're absolutely right, certainly
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: not developmentally typical and frankly not even developmentally appropriate. Let
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: me start just by saying wonderful. I know that's an
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: unexpected response from me, but this is so wonderful that
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: your little seven year old has come to you and said,
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: I've got a concern and I feel safe sharing it
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: with you. As parents, this is the dream scenario where
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: our kids are willing to be open with us, to
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: be frank with us, and to talk about things, even
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: if they're a little bit embarrassing or if they don't
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: quite understand it. So I'm so so glad that he's
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: wanted to have that conversation with you. The second key
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: point that I want to make in responding to this question, Emily,
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: is that what your son's friend is wanting to do
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: is not and I want to say this really clearly
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: is not normal. It's not considered healthy development for a
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: seven year old to have this idea. Now, I can
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: only speculate as to where this ideas come from and
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: why he has the idea. It is concerning. My speculation
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: may be unmarranted. If I'm wrong, I'll take it back,
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: but I think that it's worth spending a moment on
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: this because unfortunately, statistically, the likelihood of it happening is
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: far too high. My take is that this kid has
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: seen pornography, he's been exposed to explicit content, or if
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: he hasn't seen it, he's heard these kinds of ideas
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: from his friends, from his classmates, from a big brother,
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: from an uncle, from a parent. I don't know where
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: it's come across, these ideas from, but I think the
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: number one culprit has to be the possibility of Internet pornography.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: Some statistics on this global data on exposure to explicit
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: content rarely give a very clear breakdown on who at
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: what age is viewing what, but we do know this
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: based on a twenty twenty survey from the British Board
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: of Film Classification in the UK, at least and then
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: the majority of children age thirteen have come across explicit
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: content online, with children as young as seven being exposed.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: Usually first exposure is unintentional, sometimes it's intentional, but usually
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: it's unintentional, and Australian parliamentary inquiry a couple of years
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: ago showed the same thing even younger, although that typically
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: happened as a result of abuse and challenges that were
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: occurring in family homes. Is what we know about young
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: children who come across explicit material. Most of them find
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: it upsetting, most of them find it disturbing. Most of
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: them are literally quote grossed out or quote confused when
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: they come across it. And that's appropriate developmentally, that's normal,
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: that's what we would expect. Normally, seven year olds are
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: worried about girls germs and boys germs, and not catching
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: coodies and and essentially staying as far away from one
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: another as they possibly can. That's really the ideal scenario.
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: That's what you're really really looking for in this situation.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: There are some parents who are really encouraging of their
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: children to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend from a
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: young age. I'm really concerned about that mindset. I don't
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: think that it's healthy. I don't think that it should
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: be encouraged. It's fine to have friends, it's fine to
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: encourage healthy relationships. But encouraging girlfriend and boyfriend relationships with
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: kids who are in first grade and second grade, it's
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: just not useful. This is the sort of stuff that,
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: from my perspective, looking at research, evidence in the way
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: that kids get involved with one another. You want to
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: delay relationships, especially that something that's considered a romantic or
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: an intimate relationship, for as long as you possibly can.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: Now.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: Of course, there are going to be confusing ideas around
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: what it means to be a girlfriend or a boyfriend,
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: and seven year olds usually don't quite get what it's about.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: But in this instance, we've got a seven year old
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: who has a very clear idea that it involves some
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: form of intimacy. When kids are exposed to these ideas,
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: we do have evidence that it points to concerns around
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: consent and respect and safety implications. I could talk a
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: lot more about that, but this isn't the podcast for that.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: A conversation about pornography is really the conversation for that
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: one and the effects of it. What we really need
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: to talk about now is what you can do as
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: a concerned parent who's got a little boy who's bestie
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: is talking this way to him about taking intimate photos
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: of his seven year old girlfriend. So Emily from New Zealand,
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: here is what I would suggest. Number one. Talk to
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: your son gently, very gently, ask him more about what
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: he heard. Now, let's make sure we get the context
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: right in this conversation. I'm inclined to say you want
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: to do it when there's no rush, when there's no
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: sense of pressure, and when he can feel comfortable and
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: confident in talking to you. So maybe it's out on
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: the porch with a milkshake or his favorite drink, and
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: we just want to make sure that he feels comfortable
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: and can talk to you openly about whatever he needs
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: to talk to you about. Find out exactly what his
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: friend said and what his friend did, and how it
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: made him feel when he found that out. Find out
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: how he responded to his friend, what did he say.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: Your job in this initial conversation is to avoid any judgment.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: Don't sound like you're alarmed. You really just want to
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: keep those lines of communication open because with a seven
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: year old, once they start to get scared that you're scared,
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: that's when they're most likely to shut down. The second
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: thing that I would recommend, and this might be in
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: the same exploration conversation, or it might be that you
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: pause the conversation and say I'm going to have a
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: chat with your dad or I'm going to have a
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: think about what you've told me, and then we'll work
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: out what to do. I think it's okay to press
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: pause on the conversation. You don't have to do it
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: all at once. It's probably going to be overwhelming for him.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: He will be experiencing some fairly solid emotions as a
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: result of what's going on. But at some point, either
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: during or shortly that conversation, it's time for discussion where
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: there's some education. I think it's a great opportunity to
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: have an age appropriate conversation about bodies and boundaries and consent.
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: You'll explain things like private parts are private. You'll also
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: explain that it's not okay to take pictures of someone
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: else's body without their permission, and you will probably also
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: need to explain that it's not ever okay to take
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: pictures of somebody's private parts, even if they do give
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: you permission. Now, I know that as an adult, there
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: are going to be some people who say, well, at
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: some point it will be okay with consent and in
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: the appropriate relationship. That's fine if you want to do
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: that as an adult. I'm not going to tell you
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: what to do there. But in terms of conversations with
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: our children, this matters. Why well, because if they're caught
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: with that kind of imagery on their device, they will
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: be registered as sex offenders. Depending on which jurisdiction you're in,
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: there certainly will be very, very very big questions about it,
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: and the risks are simply too great. Now. Of course,
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: you don't want to frighten your child with stories about
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: the police or anything like that, but you can let
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: them know that you are concerned about it and find
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: out how they're feeling. They need to know that it's
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: not okay to take pictures of somebody else's body without
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: their permission. As they get older and moving to the
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: team years, we need to teach them that there's no
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: such thing as safe sexting. It just doesn't exist.
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: Now.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: The third part of this conversation is that the friend's
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: behavior needs to be addressed, But you want to tread
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: really carefully here. Initially, you're going to say to your son,
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: what do you think is the best thing to do here,
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: and have a general conversation about how the friend is
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: doing the wrong thing. If you know the parents well,
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: I think that it's appropriate to consider discussing it with
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: them privately. If you have evidence of the conversation that
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: goes beyond your son saying my friend told me that
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: he was going to do this, then providing that evidence
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: certainly softens it. Many years ago, one of my children
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: was approached indecently by a boy, a young man, who
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: solicit explicit images from her. She of course said no,
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: and she came to me and she had a screenshot
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: of his request. As a result of that, I was
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: able to go to the parents and say, hey, I
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: don't know the broader context here, but my daughter's a
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: little troubled. I want to send you an image of
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: something that your son has sent through and I'm really
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: happy to chat with you about ways that we can
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: manage this. But it's something that's got me a little
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: bit nervous and concerned. So it's very much not about blaming.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: It's very much about approaching them softly, treading really carefully,
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: letting them know that you care about the well being
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: and safety of your own child and of their child,
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: and hopefully working on the issue together. Will it always work, No,
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it can absolutely backfire in really significant ways. If
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: that is the case, if you're concerned, an alternative is
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: that you could inform your son's teacher or the school
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: counselor they may be able to address the issue more
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: broadly with all of the children. I'm not convinced that
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: that's going to have nearly the same impact as parent involvement.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: Maybe the ski school might be willing to address it
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: from a school point of view. The one thing that
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: I'd be really concerned about with this part of the
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: challenge that you're facing is that when the young friend
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: finds out, it's entirely possible that this little kid's going
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: to say no, no, no. He was the one that
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: told me that I should take the photos. I didn't
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: say it, he told it to me. And so all
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: of a sudden, your son's now in hot water as well.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: So it's a really tricky one and you just want
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: to go slowly and tread carefully. Now, let's go back
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: to your son and how you can empower him overwhelmingly,
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: your son has to know, he has to receive the
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: reassurance that he did the right thing by telling you.
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: So how do you do that? You give him a hug,
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: You say, you're so brave, I'm so glad you told me.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: You let him know all of the good things that
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: he's done here. And you also encourage him to say
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: no if his friend ever ask asks him to do
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: anything that makes him uncomfortable, and to tell trusted adall
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: if he sees or hears anything at all that's concerning.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: What he could also do is tell his friend that
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: he's not comfortable that his friend wants to do that.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: He might even tell his friend that he might need
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: to tell somebody if he continues to suggest that he's
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: going to do these things. Your son needs to be empowered.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: This could make him really unpopular. He could become the
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: pariah of the playground. But right now he's doing the
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: right thing, and at seven, he's doing the developmentally appropriate thing,
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: and he needs to just be embraced because of it.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: And I guess the last thing that I would say,
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: Emily is stay vigilant. You want to keep an eye
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: on your son's friendships and his online activity. You definitely
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: need to respect his privacy, but he's only seven, so
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: his privacy comes second to his safety. Watch out for
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: red flags, and just keep an eye on him and
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: keep the conversation going. Absolutely, Emily, great question, really important one,
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: and increasingly, as we're seeing more and more young people
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: in kindergarten first grade, second grade, third grade, who are
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: being exposed to explicit content and explicit themes and literally
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: living them out in school playgrounds, in school classrooms, saying
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: things that are inappropriate to their classmates and even their
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: school teachers. We've got to talk about this stuff. It's
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: hard to talk about, it's horrible to talk about, but
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: we need to have the conversations. Why. Because this situation,
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: as concerning as it is, ultimately is an opportunity for you,
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: as a parent to teach your son really valuable lessons
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: about respect and consent, and about boundaries and about what
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: makes a healthy relationship. And if you can be calm
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: and proactive, I think you're going to help and navigate
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: this situation and build a really strong foundation so that
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: he can make safe and responsible choices in the future.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: Thanks so much for the question. That's it for today's
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: Ask Justin podcast. If you would like to submit your question,
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: it's just go to Happy families dot com. Use the
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: super simple system on the website, Go to the homepage,
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: click the record button at the podcast section start talking.
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: That's all you need to do. The Happy Family podcast
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: is produced by Justin Rouland from Bridge Media. If you
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: want more information, about making your family happier. Send us
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: to your questions happy families dot com dot you, or
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: visit us at our website and social media pages. Doctor
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: Justin Colson's Happy Families