Latest / Two Ts In A Pod with Teddi Mellencamp and Tamra Judge / Gone Girl

Transcript

Gone Girl · Two Ts In A Pod with Teddi Mellencamp and Tamra Judge

0:02
Speaker 1: This is teddy te Pod. Welcome back to teddy tea pot.
0:11
Speaker 1: I'm jumping right back in to all of these divorces.
0:16
Speaker 1: I cannot believe this. Even since last week, I've heard
0:21
Speaker 1: Dr Dre and his wife Nicole Young have decided to
0:24
Speaker 1: break up after twenty four years, Steve Howie and his
0:28
Speaker 1: wife Sarah, and then now I'm starting to think maybe
0:32
Speaker 1: I'm the podcast curse because Ryan Seacrest and his girlfriend Shana,
0:37
Speaker 1: who was just on my podcast talking All Things CBD,
0:41
Speaker 1: they announced they broke up a couple of weeks ago.
0:43
Speaker 1: I'm like, what is going on? So I am super
0:47
Speaker 1: excited to have Dr VON so I can ask her
0:51
Speaker 1: all of your questions. Um. Dr b wrote a book
0:55
Speaker 1: called Bad Advice, How to Survive and Thrive in the
0:58
Speaker 1: Age of Bullshit already with that title. I love her.
1:01
Speaker 1: I know she's going to give us so much good
1:03
Speaker 1: insight on thriving and surviving are significant others, So let's
1:07
Speaker 1: welcome her. You guys, I am so excited to be
1:19
Speaker 1: back with dr V after last week's episode. There were
1:24
Speaker 1: so many breakups. There has been so many divorces during
1:27
Speaker 1: this time. I'm curious. Do you think that the couples
1:31
Speaker 1: who are divorcing during this would have divorced anyhow, Or
1:35
Speaker 1: is this pandemic and the stay at home like revealing
1:39
Speaker 1: more things to their significant other. You know, that's a
1:42
Speaker 1: really great question, and I think through further research, we're
1:47
Speaker 1: not only going to see a correlation between the pandemic
1:52
Speaker 1: and divorce rates, but we're actually going to see a causation.
1:55
Speaker 1: So what does that mean? Um, the world was not
2:00
Speaker 1: prepared for a pandemic. Why should we expect marriages to
2:05
Speaker 1: be prepared? And you ask a really great question, Well,
2:08
Speaker 1: were they on shaky ground anyway? Dealing with a pandemic
2:13
Speaker 1: is a trauma on so many different levels. Now, it's
2:17
Speaker 1: been known that, uh, couples who have gone through the
2:23
Speaker 1: death of a child are more likely to get divorced.
2:27
Speaker 1: Do we say to them, oh, well, they were having
2:30
Speaker 1: problems anyway. No, we related to the trauma. And that's
2:35
Speaker 1: what's happening here. A worldwide pandemic is a trauma. I
2:41
Speaker 1: know we're all trying to go through our lives pretending
2:44
Speaker 1: that that's not happening, But at the end of the day,
2:47
Speaker 1: it's incredibly traumatic and the world wasn't ready for it.
2:51
Speaker 1: Individuals weren't ready for it, and marriages weren't ready for it.
2:54
Speaker 1: And the bottom line is we're seeing spikes in domestic
2:58
Speaker 1: in domestic violence and siety and depression and unemployment and
3:02
Speaker 1: loss and grief. We're also going to see a spike
3:06
Speaker 1: in divorce rates because all of those other coping skills
3:10
Speaker 1: now have gone down. So we're in a complete imbalance.
3:14
Speaker 1: So to your question, were they on the rocks to
3:18
Speaker 1: begin with? As a social scientist and as someone who
3:23
Speaker 1: works in the relationship space, they could have been. But
3:29
Speaker 1: do we say that when other traumas happen in a marriage, Uh,
3:33
Speaker 1: you know, they were just unstable anyway, we usually don't.
3:37
Speaker 1: So I think it's important to see this in a
3:42
Speaker 1: very uh in a world view, veer out, take a
3:46
Speaker 1: bird's eye view as to what is happening in the world,
3:50
Speaker 1: what's happening around you, what's happening to you, and what's
3:54
Speaker 1: happening to your partner and your marriage. Very long answer,
3:58
Speaker 1: I'll shut the up, go ahead. I loved every second
4:02
Speaker 1: of it, which leads me to the next thing because
4:03
Speaker 1: I know, at least for me, my husband and I,
4:06
Speaker 1: with everything that's going on, we've been having a lot
4:08
Speaker 1: of tougher, bigger discussions that we've never had before, and
4:13
Speaker 1: we're learning new things about each other, and we're also
4:16
Speaker 1: learning how to navigate how to have those harder discussions.
4:21
Speaker 1: But I think you know, and I'm still figuring it out.
4:24
Speaker 1: What are some tools you would give to those of
4:28
Speaker 1: us who maybe haven't had some of the conversations with
4:31
Speaker 1: everything going on in our world today. The right way,
4:35
Speaker 1: I mean, I guess there's no right way, but the
4:37
Speaker 1: the way right well, I mean it Also, it all
4:41
Speaker 1: starts with understanding what it is you need. For example,
4:49
Speaker 1: what you may have needed before the pandemic, before the
4:53
Speaker 1: birth of your child, um yesterday, maybe different than what
4:59
Speaker 1: you need today. So to be aware of your ever
5:04
Speaker 1: changing needs is incredibly important because so many times I
5:10
Speaker 1: hear on my couch, well she should know I feel
5:13
Speaker 1: this way, or he should know I feel this way.
5:16
Speaker 1: Your partner is not a mind reader, and right now
5:19
Speaker 1: we're undergoing so much trauma and we're digesting it so
5:23
Speaker 1: quickly that what you need will change. So if you
5:29
Speaker 1: can figure out what it is that your needs are,
5:33
Speaker 1: then you're able to express them to your partner. You're
5:38
Speaker 1: able to say I need some emotional space. I need
5:45
Speaker 1: some physical space. I need you to get out from
5:51
Speaker 1: myking ass like you're able to say things in a way, UM,
5:58
Speaker 1: where you're able to just understand and what it is
6:00
Speaker 1: that you need and look in the beginning, everyone you know,
6:03
Speaker 1: but during the pandemic, everyone was like, you know, social
6:07
Speaker 1: distance doesn't mean emotional distance. Social distanting doesn't mean emotional
6:11
Speaker 1: you know, distance you don't connect with people, connect with people,
6:14
Speaker 1: and you know what, you've been living with your partner
6:17
Speaker 1: now in quarantine and now we're seeing an uprise and
6:22
Speaker 1: more COVID cases, so you're probably going to be in quarantine,
6:25
Speaker 1: you know, quarantining. Again, it's okay to ask for emotional space, Like,
6:31
Speaker 1: it's really okay. So I think the larger answer to
6:36
Speaker 1: your question is really understand what it is that you need.
6:42
Speaker 1: So we're going through a trauma and no one is
6:48
Speaker 1: talking about that trauma. UM, and that has to do
6:54
Speaker 1: in every sphere right now socially in terms of the
6:58
Speaker 1: movement that is happening around us, the change that needs
7:02
Speaker 1: to happen, the pandemic that is killing people, UM, police
7:07
Speaker 1: that are killing people as well. Like there's so much
7:11
Speaker 1: going on right now that we are under individual trauma
7:17
Speaker 1: because it starts at the top and then it trickles down.
7:20
Speaker 1: So if the parents are fucked up, we're going to
7:23
Speaker 1: be fucked up. So we have a lot of work
7:26
Speaker 1: to do um on all levels of where we are
7:30
Speaker 1: right now. But the only thing we can control is
7:33
Speaker 1: what we do as individuals. You know how we respond, right,
7:37
Speaker 1: So if you're in a place, for for somebody who's
7:41
Speaker 1: in a place where they're feeling unhappy, or they're feeling
7:43
Speaker 1: unsure in their marriage, or they're feeling stuck or unheard,
7:46
Speaker 1: what's a good way to get started? So I know,
7:49
Speaker 1: I know, sharing your boundaries and sharing what you need,
7:52
Speaker 1: but like, how do you start the conversation with your
7:55
Speaker 1: signific significant other for it to go a positive direction?
8:00
Speaker 1: Because so quickly you can go negative. Yeah, it's so quickly.
8:03
Speaker 1: And by the way, we're so often willing to have
8:07
Speaker 1: these discussions when we're pissed, right, We want to engage,
8:13
Speaker 1: we're angry, right, Because when we're not angry, the volume
8:17
Speaker 1: gets turned down, maybe those feelings even go away. So
8:22
Speaker 1: it's important that you have a conversation with your partner
8:27
Speaker 1: when you're actually in a good place, when you're in
8:31
Speaker 1: a good place when you're marriage is in a good place,
8:34
Speaker 1: when your relationship is in a good place. And that
8:37
Speaker 1: good place, by the way, that is a huge spectrum
8:41
Speaker 1: of place. So you don't have to be like all
8:43
Speaker 1: happy and you know, it doesn't need to be that.
8:46
Speaker 1: It just needs to be calm, right to be for
8:49
Speaker 1: people to be able to express themselves without feeling like
8:54
Speaker 1: they're being judged. When your partner feels like they're being judged,
8:59
Speaker 1: they got down And the bottom line is people judge
9:02
Speaker 1: because thinking takes some work. So you have to really
9:06
Speaker 1: ask yourself. Am I being a judge the asshole when
9:09
Speaker 1: I bring up this issue? Right? Am I? Am I
9:11
Speaker 1: being now every these issues up with my partner? Or
9:15
Speaker 1: or is this something I don't understand and that I
9:18
Speaker 1: need to understand my partners inner life? So I have
9:23
Speaker 1: a little acronym that I always like to use, um
9:28
Speaker 1: LUV love. You're gonna listen, You're gonna understand, and you're
9:33
Speaker 1: gonna validate. That's simple. Yeah, I've heard what you said.
9:39
Speaker 1: I acknowledge that what you may be feeling is painful.
9:44
Speaker 1: I acknowledge that I acknowledge my responsibility and how all
9:50
Speaker 1: of that may have occurred and then you're gonna do
9:54
Speaker 1: last part, the validate. I validate that completely, and I
9:59
Speaker 1: understand you, and I love you, and I care about you,
10:02
Speaker 1: and no matter what, that is what is most important.
10:05
Speaker 1: And you are most important. Your feelings are most important.
10:08
Speaker 1: So then you listen, you understand, and then you valiity.
10:12
Speaker 1: So if our listeners could remember that Luv spells love
10:18
Speaker 1: to just really take those steps to really be curious
10:23
Speaker 1: about someone's inner life. I mean, there are so many
10:27
Speaker 1: things I've learned about my husband that I really never knew,
10:35
Speaker 1: like and they're funny things like I never really knew
10:38
Speaker 1: that my husband was a because you know, I hear
10:41
Speaker 1: him on conference calls. He's the type of man which
10:44
Speaker 1: I never knew either, that walks paces as he's on
10:46
Speaker 1: these conference calls. And I'm thinking, Jesus Christ, like how
10:50
Speaker 1: what how do you take advantage of your office? Just
10:52
Speaker 1: walk down hallways so just like wanders around the house.
10:57
Speaker 1: So we all are privy to these, like, you know, conversations. Um,
11:02
Speaker 1: I never knew that my husband was a. Um, all right,
11:06
Speaker 1: well we're gonna put a pin in this or okay,
11:11
Speaker 1: we're in a circle back Like I would never I
11:15
Speaker 1: have been married to this man for twenty years and
11:17
Speaker 1: I have never heard him use these kinds of phrases,
11:20
Speaker 1: and so for me, I'm like, Wow, that is a
11:24
Speaker 1: whole new human And I know that's well even if
11:28
Speaker 1: you just use this phrase, is that you never heard,
11:31
Speaker 1: But in my mind, it's like, Wow, there's parts of
11:33
Speaker 1: this person's inner life that I want to get to know. UM.
11:39
Speaker 1: So I don't know if if if you've had those
11:41
Speaker 1: experiences where you've learned new things about um, your husband
11:48
Speaker 1: that you were sort of surprised by just little things
11:50
Speaker 1: that they said or little things that they did, well,
11:54
Speaker 1: I think for me a big part has been um
11:59
Speaker 1: the shift in us both working in the same environment,
12:04
Speaker 1: and how much I've been able to when when we're
12:07
Speaker 1: talking about something that lifts us both up, like in
12:11
Speaker 1: regards to our business, we can really have thriving, good
12:14
Speaker 1: conversations and learn from another from one another. But if
12:18
Speaker 1: we start to shift the conversation to something that's like
12:23
Speaker 1: maybe you know, me trying to obsess over the fact
12:26
Speaker 1: if the kids are gonna be allowed to go back
12:28
Speaker 1: to school or not, that may not be a conversation
12:31
Speaker 1: that my husband wants to have at that moment. And
12:34
Speaker 1: learning how to navigate when is the right time to
12:37
Speaker 1: have this conversation because it's something I do want to
12:39
Speaker 1: talk through, and I want to talk through the hypotheticals
12:42
Speaker 1: and I want to have all the you know, the
12:44
Speaker 1: ideas or whatever it may be. But for him, it's
12:47
Speaker 1: like I've learned that if we set up those times
12:51
Speaker 1: and we know when we can like have those like
12:54
Speaker 1: free conversations, it's better than when I try to force
12:57
Speaker 1: the conversation and it goes bad. It goes back to
13:00
Speaker 1: the actual what can we do? And again, you can
13:06
Speaker 1: schedule a check in time and people are always like,
13:10
Speaker 1: you know, they hear some uh sort of verbal backlash
13:16
Speaker 1: about scheduling. Well, let me tell you. Couples who schedule sex,
13:21
Speaker 1: for example, report that their sex life is more satisfying,
13:27
Speaker 1: is more fulfilling. Why is that We are creatures were
13:32
Speaker 1: human beings. When we know we're going to do something,
13:35
Speaker 1: we prepare biologically to do that. So if you know
13:41
Speaker 1: it's in your calendar that you're gonna have sex that night,
13:45
Speaker 1: your body is working. It's doing it is because muscle memory,
13:51
Speaker 1: it's chemical memory. We are programmed to be creatures, a
13:57
Speaker 1: preparedness um I wish I would have done that before
14:01
Speaker 1: this interview, prepared a little bit. I had never heard
14:13
Speaker 1: of it. I was listening to the radio one morning,
14:15
Speaker 1: actually Ryan Seacrest, and I was hearing Tanya Rod talking
14:18
Speaker 1: about divorce sleeping and how people love it. So that's
14:22
Speaker 1: where for people that don't know, Like how I didn't
14:24
Speaker 1: realize what it was. It's you are happily married, but
14:28
Speaker 1: you choose to sleep in different bedrooms at night. And
14:31
Speaker 1: all these people were calling in talking about how great
14:33
Speaker 1: it is and why they do it. And at that
14:35
Speaker 1: current time, my daughter had just had a really bad
14:38
Speaker 1: injury and she was sleeping in my bed with me,
14:42
Speaker 1: and my husband was sleeping downstairs um with my son
14:47
Speaker 1: because she needed, like I had to wake up and
14:49
Speaker 1: change her dressings and do all the things that she
14:52
Speaker 1: needed to take care of her, give her the medicine,
14:54
Speaker 1: and also really be there for her of the time.
14:58
Speaker 1: And I loved every moment of being able to take
15:02
Speaker 1: care of her and being there for And I would
15:04
Speaker 1: have been worried had she not been in the bed
15:06
Speaker 1: with me. That being said, I was feeling distant from
15:09
Speaker 1: my husband not sharing a bed together at night. And
15:12
Speaker 1: I'm not judging people that that choose to. I'm just
15:15
Speaker 1: curious what your thoughts are on it in general, because
15:18
Speaker 1: for me, at the end of the day, like we
15:20
Speaker 1: have our kids, we have our businesses. Sometimes I'm filming Housewives,
15:24
Speaker 1: we are running around a lot. It's scheduled chaos for
15:27
Speaker 1: for lack of a better word, and that little you know,
15:31
Speaker 1: thirty minutes before we go to sleep, where we just
15:34
Speaker 1: even could just be like laying there holding hands, watching
15:36
Speaker 1: a movie or laughing at a show, or you know,
15:39
Speaker 1: telling a story of something that happened that day, really
15:43
Speaker 1: gave me that connection. And when I didn't have it
15:46
Speaker 1: for those four weeks, I was trying to seek it
15:47
Speaker 1: in random spots that weren't like really fueling my tank.
15:53
Speaker 1: And so I had to like really like be aware
15:55
Speaker 1: of it and be like, this is something that I'm
15:57
Speaker 1: feeling right now. It has nothing to do with our marriage.
16:00
Speaker 1: Has it has to do with this change. And you know,
16:04
Speaker 1: now we're back sleeping the same bed. It's all back
16:06
Speaker 1: to the way it was before. But I'm curious, like
16:08
Speaker 1: the pros and cons of that. That's a really great question,
16:10
Speaker 1: and there has been there has been some research on
16:14
Speaker 1: um divorced sleeping and couples who sleep in separate bedrooms. Um,
16:20
Speaker 1: I don't particularly like the name of it because it
16:22
Speaker 1: has such a negative negative and every couple is different.
16:27
Speaker 1: So I want to point that out before I point
16:30
Speaker 1: to the research that says that couples who sleep in
16:34
Speaker 1: different bedrooms will experience um distance between them at some point.
16:41
Speaker 1: So while that's a research point, I also want to
16:47
Speaker 1: point out that everybody is different. So you know what,
16:51
Speaker 1: you're more apt to fight and argue if your husband
16:54
Speaker 1: snoring all night and you can't sleep all day, Like
16:57
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like you know what I'm saying,
16:59
Speaker 1: Like some of these are roommate issues, working out a
17:04
Speaker 1: roommate issue, versus we're just going to sleep in separate
17:08
Speaker 1: beds because that's what we like to do. And if
17:11
Speaker 1: you like to do that and that works for you
17:12
Speaker 1: and that works for your marriage, that is a wonderful thing. Again,
17:18
Speaker 1: I go back to the research pointing to that sleeping
17:21
Speaker 1: in separate beds creates emotional distance between couples. Again, that's
17:26
Speaker 1: just a research point, and I want to also point
17:29
Speaker 1: out it's a qualitative research point, and I don't want
17:32
Speaker 1: to bore your listeners. What is qualitative research. It's self report,
17:37
Speaker 1: so there's always some flaws within that. It's not a
17:40
Speaker 1: quantitative research report. Like does that make sense? I woke
17:45
Speaker 1: up a little brainy, so I'm just trying to like
17:48
Speaker 1: make things to me. Well, then, if you're in a
17:53
Speaker 1: place where you are struggling with your significant other right now,
17:59
Speaker 1: how do you know? Like I was just listening actually
18:02
Speaker 1: to Rachel's Rachel Hollis podcast about since she has broken
18:06
Speaker 1: up with her husband, and she was saying, you know,
18:09
Speaker 1: we we're best we are best friends, We you know,
18:14
Speaker 1: love one another, but there was something that we just
18:16
Speaker 1: could never work through all these years later, and it's
18:19
Speaker 1: time for us to separate. And I'm not sharing my
18:20
Speaker 1: reasons why. But my question is to so many of us,
18:25
Speaker 1: who you know, of the listeners who are in the
18:29
Speaker 1: place where they are struggling, should I be getting a
18:32
Speaker 1: divorce or not? This doesn't know? This is a great
18:37
Speaker 1: I mean, it's a great question, and I would urge
18:42
Speaker 1: um if there is obviously, if abuse is going on,
18:49
Speaker 1: if there's abuse in the home, you need to get
18:52
Speaker 1: out of that situation as soon as possible. That's clear, right.
18:57
Speaker 1: If we were to take abuse, substance abuse, things like that,
19:02
Speaker 1: very major markers and a choice to get a divorce.
19:05
Speaker 1: We were to put those things aside, and we're not
19:08
Speaker 1: talking about that. Um, I would really recommend time. We
19:16
Speaker 1: are under so much trauma and so much stress right now.
19:20
Speaker 1: I recommend time to not go. I mean, look, they're
19:25
Speaker 1: talking about divorce rates spiking in the next few months
19:30
Speaker 1: and alcohol, divorce rates, domestic violence, everything is up, so
19:35
Speaker 1: divorce rates would be up as well. I would really
19:39
Speaker 1: urge time. Time is so important and we don't live
19:44
Speaker 1: in a space where we value time that we value healing.
19:51
Speaker 1: Healing takes time, Understanding takes time. How you thought of
19:56
Speaker 1: a situation with your partner last week will be very
20:01
Speaker 1: different than how you feel about it two weeks from now.
20:05
Speaker 1: So it's really important that we give ourselves space, that
20:11
Speaker 1: we hold space for ourselves and someone else. Do you
20:15
Speaker 1: understand You know what that term means when you're like
20:18
Speaker 1: space for yourself, that you allow things to penetrate, feel them,
20:25
Speaker 1: explore them, think about them without the need for immediate reaction. Right, So,
20:35
Speaker 1: you're going to allow time, and I think because of
20:40
Speaker 1: the pandemic and because we're quarantining, and because you're gonna
20:43
Speaker 1: be doing that more all these rises in cases, you're
20:46
Speaker 1: just gonna be more careful. We're not gonna be socializing.
20:48
Speaker 1: I mean, we're going to see more of that, and
20:51
Speaker 1: we're going to see more of this sense of I
20:53
Speaker 1: got to do something, I gotta get out of this situation.
20:57
Speaker 1: There's so much that we project onto our relationship, onto
21:02
Speaker 1: our partner, when if we were to simply sit down
21:06
Speaker 1: and be like, you know what, I don't really hate
21:10
Speaker 1: my partner. I hate the fact that I can't escape.
21:14
Speaker 1: So to really sort of flesh out within yourself and
21:18
Speaker 1: within your mind what's going on with you? Because our
21:23
Speaker 1: partners are just mirrors of us. If we were to
21:26
Speaker 1: be really honest, it's a mirror of what's going on
21:29
Speaker 1: the relationship, what's going on with us, why we chose
21:32
Speaker 1: this partner to begin with, who we are as a person.
21:35
Speaker 1: So I think time is so incredibly important, and it's look,
21:40
Speaker 1: everybody now is working from home, right, and I kind
21:45
Speaker 1: of say, no, my work has infiltrated my home. Like
21:50
Speaker 1: now there's no escape from your work. I know it's
21:54
Speaker 1: seven twenty were seven, you're working to I mean, think
21:57
Speaker 1: about everything that has changed and has shifted that we're
22:01
Speaker 1: not really mindful of It's like, no, my work has
22:06
Speaker 1: come to my house. I'm not working from home. So
22:10
Speaker 1: there's so many different pressures that are happening in the
22:13
Speaker 1: world and within ourselves. And take a beat. That is
22:18
Speaker 1: my advice. Take a beat with your personal relationships and
22:24
Speaker 1: more importantly with your marriage. Take a beat because I
22:28
Speaker 1: I've also noticed that I when I'm talking to my
22:31
Speaker 1: friends or anybody that's going through this right now, there's
22:34
Speaker 1: having really good weeks and then really struggling certain weeks,
22:37
Speaker 1: and it's just really coming in waves, which you notice.
22:40
Speaker 1: And when you're talking to your friends, you're you're able
22:43
Speaker 1: to almost like compartmentalize and say, I totally feel you.
22:46
Speaker 1: I've been the same way. But I can see when
22:48
Speaker 1: certain people are talking about their spouses or their significant other,
22:52
Speaker 1: they're not giving them that same place. So and husband
22:58
Speaker 1: blah blah blah, he's like is and no, it's he's
23:01
Speaker 1: in a funk and I can't deal with that and
23:03
Speaker 1: blah blah blah. But yeah, I'm like, you were just
23:05
Speaker 1: talking to Mary and you were totally fine about her
23:08
Speaker 1: being in that same funk. Why are we not showing
23:10
Speaker 1: it for our partners? But we can show it to
23:13
Speaker 1: our friends. Well, it's that sort of that age old question,
23:17
Speaker 1: like how come we can help other people but we
23:19
Speaker 1: can't seem to help ourselves, right, Like, it's so easy
23:23
Speaker 1: to get a bird's eye view of other people's problems, um,
23:28
Speaker 1: and sometimes it helps us to avoid our own Looking
23:33
Speaker 1: at other people helps us avoid what's happening inside of ourselves.
23:37
Speaker 1: So I would um encourage um. But that is a
23:41
Speaker 1: great gift, right to be able to hover above a
23:44
Speaker 1: situation and see someone else's situation for what it is.
23:50
Speaker 1: So to our listeners, to our viewers, do it for yourself.
23:54
Speaker 1: I know it feels like you're stuck in a situation
23:57
Speaker 1: for sake, you're stuck in your house. I mean, there
24:00
Speaker 1: was a point during this whole pandemic I went outside
24:03
Speaker 1: of my car as shut the car, and I started
24:06
Speaker 1: crying and I didn't know why. And at the end
24:08
Speaker 1: of the day, I just needed emotional space. And by
24:12
Speaker 1: the way, I live in a big house, I could
24:14
Speaker 1: only imagine what that would be like in a very
24:18
Speaker 1: small quarters. So the ability to be able to hover
24:23
Speaker 1: above someone else's uh problems and emotions, be able to
24:26
Speaker 1: help them and be there for them and empathize with
24:28
Speaker 1: their situation. Give it to yourself. You can do it
24:32
Speaker 1: for you. So. Um, you know, other people's issues are
24:36
Speaker 1: always so they become more simpler because we're not emotionally involved, right,
24:42
Speaker 1: we don't have an emotional investment. And I'm not saying
24:45
Speaker 1: I just want to be clear, I'm not saying to
24:47
Speaker 1: pull back your emotional investment. I'm simply saying, don't make
24:54
Speaker 1: very don't make life choices based in emotion, in a
25:01
Speaker 1: very heated emotion, right, make those life choices, make a
25:05
Speaker 1: different life choice or whatever. It may be a change
25:08
Speaker 1: when you're relaxed, when you're calm, because things will be
25:13
Speaker 1: so different. Um, And like I hear so much either
25:18
Speaker 1: it's so extreme. It's either I we've found so much
25:24
Speaker 1: about each other, our relationship is stronger, we're bonded, or
25:30
Speaker 1: this or that, or I hear I hate this motherfucker,
25:34
Speaker 1: get him or her or away from me. You know,
25:37
Speaker 1: like whatever you're whatever your position is, like get it's
25:41
Speaker 1: there's no one between. And that's fascinating too. It's incredibly polarizing.
25:47
Speaker 1: And when we live in an age where our thoughts
25:51
Speaker 1: are polarized through a tweet, through an Instagram message we
25:57
Speaker 1: don't understand nuance. And I'm seeing this really filter filter
26:04
Speaker 1: how people digest the relationships too, that there really is
26:09
Speaker 1: this extreme polarizing thinking that we perpetuate every single day. UM,
26:15
Speaker 1: you know, on social media, UM, in every way there's
26:20
Speaker 1: there's not this sense of things are nuanced, and so
26:24
Speaker 1: we look at our relationship like that too, that it
26:28
Speaker 1: is not nuanced, that it's this one thing and that
26:31
Speaker 1: is it and if that's just not true, we are
26:34
Speaker 1: complex human creatures. And I think also what's happening is
26:40
Speaker 1: the ability to learn to pivot within your partner, within
26:43
Speaker 1: your relationship. Like I know, when this pandemic first started,
26:47
Speaker 1: we started a routine and we were liking it at first,
26:49
Speaker 1: which was like, you know, we do our work, we
26:51
Speaker 1: do this, but at three o'clock we were all meeting
26:53
Speaker 1: up because the kids were down to school and we'd
26:55
Speaker 1: go on this walk. But what would happen is if
26:58
Speaker 1: Edwin's timing was off or something would happen, and it
27:01
Speaker 1: would that I couldn't live with it. I was like,
27:04
Speaker 1: I don't understand. It's three o'clock every day. I do
27:06
Speaker 1: not understand. And once I was able to shift it
27:09
Speaker 1: and say you know what actually what works best for
27:12
Speaker 1: my schedule and for the kids is if in the morning,
27:15
Speaker 1: I go on a walk with the kiddos and that's
27:17
Speaker 1: how we start our day. And if Edwin comes, great,
27:20
Speaker 1: if he doesn't come, great. I'm making this about what
27:23
Speaker 1: feels best for for me and then talking to my
27:27
Speaker 1: partner about what other ways that we can spend time together.
27:31
Speaker 1: It was so much better because I was realizing every
27:34
Speaker 1: day at two thirty, all of a sudden, I was stressed. Well,
27:37
Speaker 1: let me tell you those stories, and I see those
27:42
Speaker 1: morning walks and I don't know how you do it.
27:46
Speaker 1: It is the best part of my day. It is
27:48
Speaker 1: the best part of my day. I'm not kidding. I've
27:51
Speaker 1: told so many people these morning walks with my kids.
27:54
Speaker 1: I have learned more about them so much, and it's
27:59
Speaker 1: really a ton for us. And then what happened when
28:02
Speaker 1: Edwin realized I switched the time, Like I was like, listen,
28:05
Speaker 1: it really drives me crazy when you're on the zoom
28:07
Speaker 1: moving your hands around like crazy, and like I'm telling
28:10
Speaker 1: you it's three o'clock. It's like making me a psycho person.
28:13
Speaker 1: Like right, I'm pivoting. I'm doing what works best for
28:16
Speaker 1: me and for them, and and and then like honestly,
28:19
Speaker 1: to day he didn't say anything about it. He was
28:21
Speaker 1: like just you know, put his finger up like I'm
28:22
Speaker 1: working whatever. Two days later he was like, hey, can
28:25
Speaker 1: we then like make a new a new deal. Can
28:27
Speaker 1: we do like dinner at six every night? And then
28:30
Speaker 1: can we watch this show that all the that we
28:32
Speaker 1: all like as a family. Can we watch that together?
28:34
Speaker 1: Can that be our new thing? And I was like, yes,
28:36
Speaker 1: I love that. That's perfect. But sometimes we get so
28:40
Speaker 1: set in our ways and how we think it's supposed
28:42
Speaker 1: to be that we're making ourselves unhappy over something that's
28:45
Speaker 1: not a big deal at all. No, you're right, you're right.
28:49
Speaker 1: I agree, And obviously it works for you that you're
28:54
Speaker 1: able to say you're able to make those shifts as
28:58
Speaker 1: they're occurring. I mean maybe took me like a month.
29:03
Speaker 1: Well that was my next question, how long did it
29:06
Speaker 1: take you to make the shift? Like, how long did
29:10
Speaker 1: it take you? Like a month? With it took me
29:12
Speaker 1: about three weeks. And what was happening is then I
29:15
Speaker 1: was realizing I was on a bad mood in the walks,
29:19
Speaker 1: and so I made it. I did the shift instead
29:22
Speaker 1: of I'm mad at Edwin for being late. I shifted too.
29:25
Speaker 1: Now I'm mad at myself because I'm in a grumpy
29:28
Speaker 1: mood right now over Edwin taking six more minutes. And
29:32
Speaker 1: he said he was gonna you know, it was becoming
29:35
Speaker 1: something that it wasn't supposed to be about, and I'd
29:38
Speaker 1: be walking ahead. It was just like, Okay, Teddy, You've
29:42
Speaker 1: got to shift this because this isn't the end all
29:44
Speaker 1: be all of your family and your relationship in your life. Well,
29:48
Speaker 1: I mean, you bring up a really great point in
29:51
Speaker 1: terms of, you know, when do we begin to take
29:56
Speaker 1: responsibility for perhaps a family activity that someone doesn't maybe
30:03
Speaker 1: want to be a part of, or they're they're late
30:05
Speaker 1: all like they're late all the time. I mean, you
30:07
Speaker 1: bring up a great point, like at what point do
30:09
Speaker 1: we make that choice of I'm going to make an
30:13
Speaker 1: executive decision and I'm going to go in the morning
30:16
Speaker 1: because I don't feel like waiting for you for a seconds.
30:20
Speaker 1: You know, you bring up this really, I think more
30:23
Speaker 1: of an extential thought process. Um, you know, all of
30:27
Speaker 1: our relationships, at what point does it become about what
30:33
Speaker 1: you need? Because I can tell you it's not all
30:36
Speaker 1: the time, like we live in this very me me, me, me,
30:39
Speaker 1: my needs, my needs, my needs culture. Um. The bottom
30:42
Speaker 1: line is a marriage is a given take of needs, right.
30:46
Speaker 1: And I don't like the word compromise. I think that sucks, um,
30:49
Speaker 1: But it's a it's about give and take of needs.
30:52
Speaker 1: So what point, like you had done where you were
30:56
Speaker 1: like this, I want you myself, like, why am I
31:02
Speaker 1: getting myself all wrapped up over nothing? Exactly? What why
31:06
Speaker 1: am I getting myself you know, all upset or nothing?
31:09
Speaker 1: And but at the same time, I don't know if
31:12
Speaker 1: that was over nothing. I mean, if someone is consistently late,
31:18
Speaker 1: people can see this as an act of aggression. People
31:22
Speaker 1: can see it as withholding and so you might have
31:26
Speaker 1: been going through some of those emotions that are attached
31:31
Speaker 1: with someone who's consistently late. So I want you to
31:34
Speaker 1: go easy on yourself. But what you did was you said,
31:39
Speaker 1: all right, this is affecting me in this way. How
31:43
Speaker 1: can I make it better for myself? And that was
31:47
Speaker 1: a beautiful thing. So I guess like, as we're sitting
31:52
Speaker 1: here sort of like working out this this problem together, like,
31:56
Speaker 1: at what point do you make those executive decisions with
32:00
Speaker 1: in a family. It's a very interesting discussion I mean,
32:03
Speaker 1: I think for me, when I realized that it's happening
32:07
Speaker 1: more than three times, you know, like when I realized
32:10
Speaker 1: that I'm I'm consistently doing the same thing over and
32:13
Speaker 1: over again, and I'm like, how could I possibly be
32:16
Speaker 1: accept like thinking I'm gonna have a different result? Am
32:19
Speaker 1: I insane? Like I have to get so much because
32:24
Speaker 1: I lead into that feeling like I admire that so much.
32:27
Speaker 1: It's like it's only three times. I mean, that's amazing.
32:31
Speaker 1: Like I started realizing it, but then I I kept
32:34
Speaker 1: trying to stick to it because I thought, maybe this
32:36
Speaker 1: is really good for our family, this this three o'clock walk,
32:39
Speaker 1: Maybe this is where we're really connecting. And then I
32:41
Speaker 1: was like, but I'm a disaster during it. And then
32:43
Speaker 1: I realized what happened is is around three ish, whenever
32:48
Speaker 1: it is now, Edwin's will go up and like play
32:51
Speaker 1: chess with the kids or he's still finding that moment
32:54
Speaker 1: to connect with them. And then Edwin and I have
32:56
Speaker 1: the conversation where I'm like, listen, even though we can't
32:58
Speaker 1: go out, I still want day so like we still
33:02
Speaker 1: need to like maybe order and support some small businesses,
33:05
Speaker 1: sit down, have a date, talk like catch up all
33:08
Speaker 1: of these things. But like we had to figure it out,
33:10
Speaker 1: it didn't just like the day the pandemic started. We
33:13
Speaker 1: weren't like, oh, we are crushing this. We are navigating
33:16
Speaker 1: it perfectly, right, That's what I'm saying. Like it was,
33:19
Speaker 1: it's a it's a trauma, it's a jigsaw puzzle. It's
33:22
Speaker 1: a consistent shift. And by the way, like I would,
33:25
Speaker 1: I don't like the term date night, particularly now during
33:30
Speaker 1: a pandemic. I think that it implies a level of complexity,
33:34
Speaker 1: level of the unknown of that people don't want right now.
33:38
Speaker 1: So to some of our listeners, it might be easier
33:42
Speaker 1: for you to get a little bit more specific. If
33:45
Speaker 1: you're going to have a sex night, call it what
33:47
Speaker 1: it is. If you're going to have intimacy night, call
33:50
Speaker 1: it what it is. If you're no, that's not sex
33:53
Speaker 1: happens during the day around here, for sure, that time
33:57
Speaker 1: event most of the time. But I I think for me,
34:02
Speaker 1: it's more time where it's not me rushing around in
34:07
Speaker 1: the kitchen trying to see it. Everybody like it's like
34:10
Speaker 1: we are going to have that little it's about you, Yeah, yeah,
34:16
Speaker 1: about us, it's about us. I just want to but
34:18
Speaker 1: I want to clear that up because that's your personal experience,
34:21
Speaker 1: it works for you. I just want to clear up
34:23
Speaker 1: that the date night for listeners who are going through
34:28
Speaker 1: a pandemic, who are quarantining together an incredibly a slippery slope,
34:35
Speaker 1: because Okay, so now like now you've got to think
34:38
Speaker 1: of creative ways just to eat dinner. Now you've got
34:41
Speaker 1: to think of creative ways, Um, what room will we
34:45
Speaker 1: do this in? You know? And while yeah, like, and
34:48
Speaker 1: while that might be fun the first three sixty seventy times,
34:54
Speaker 1: you know, when you begin to say, okay, we're gonna
34:55
Speaker 1: stredule date night, I just want to sort of give
35:01
Speaker 1: a little piece of advice, which would be more detailed.
35:06
Speaker 1: What is it that you're going to do where it's
35:09
Speaker 1: just going to be you and your partner together? Throw
35:13
Speaker 1: away this elusive date night whatever that like, whatever that means.
35:18
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't even know what that means. This
35:20
Speaker 1: is a kind of date night. You know what that
35:22
Speaker 1: meanstudy like, you and your partner, you know what that means.
35:25
Speaker 1: Um for you, it's very specific, and I think for
35:28
Speaker 1: a lot of our listeners, like they don't know what
35:30
Speaker 1: that means. So throw away all the complicated unknowns and
35:36
Speaker 1: call it what it is. That would be really helpful
35:39
Speaker 1: and it also gets you nailed down to being more
35:42
Speaker 1: specific in other ways. Right, Okay, so this is what
35:45
Speaker 1: we are going to do this time, and it also
35:49
Speaker 1: specific with your own feelings. This is how I feel
35:52
Speaker 1: during this time. So, like you were saying, like you
35:55
Speaker 1: wanted to have this family walk every day at three,
35:59
Speaker 1: how admirable what you found. You said you were miserable
36:05
Speaker 1: every day at three, And to be able to make
36:10
Speaker 1: the shift of I'm not going to force my partner
36:15
Speaker 1: on this walk because you would want him to want
36:18
Speaker 1: to go, right, but you want to be there and
36:22
Speaker 1: show up early right now if he's anxious to go
36:25
Speaker 1: on that walk, Like we have a therapy where like
36:31
Speaker 1: if you're early, you're anxious. If you're early to your appointment,
36:35
Speaker 1: you're anxious. If you're on time, you're O. C D.
36:38
Speaker 1: And if you're late, you're angry. Like that's like you
36:41
Speaker 1: can't win. There's no there's definitely no winning. There's no
36:47
Speaker 1: But I do I know, I do fully agree with
36:49
Speaker 1: you though, and I think it's pinpointing what it is
36:52
Speaker 1: that you actually need, what you want and what what
36:55
Speaker 1: your partner needs and want. Yeah, I mean even it
36:58
Speaker 1: can even be so simple as like this is something
37:00
Speaker 1: else that I realized during the pandemic um which I've
37:03
Speaker 1: been married to. My husband will be married nine years
37:07
Speaker 1: on July four, you know, and and high one years.
37:12
Speaker 1: That's a long time, um. But I didn't realize until
37:17
Speaker 1: his birthday this year, which was during the pandemic. I
37:22
Speaker 1: always would buy him these elaborate gifts, really expensive gifts,
37:26
Speaker 1: because in my mind, like he came from super humble beginnings,
37:29
Speaker 1: has worked his way to the top, He's worked super hard,
37:32
Speaker 1: and he's always been the provider for everyone in his life.
37:36
Speaker 1: So in my mind, I always assumed I need to
37:40
Speaker 1: buy him something he wouldn't buy himself. I need to
37:42
Speaker 1: go big and bold and and he knows I'm not.
37:45
Speaker 1: I'm not like that, but I always just in my
37:47
Speaker 1: head made up that's how he was. And this year,
37:50
Speaker 1: during the pandemic, because I couldn't go anywhere and buy
37:53
Speaker 1: something and do those types of things, I had a
37:56
Speaker 1: video made with all of his closest friends and family
37:59
Speaker 1: just making a message for him, and he cried like
38:03
Speaker 1: a baby, and he's like, this is the best gift
38:07
Speaker 1: you have ever given me. I love it so much.
38:10
Speaker 1: You can never talk this like this is you have
38:13
Speaker 1: no idea, And I realized, oh my gosh, these are
38:17
Speaker 1: the types of gifts he likes. And I had no
38:20
Speaker 1: idea because I made up in my head what I
38:21
Speaker 1: assumed he would want. Well, I mean, you bring up
38:25
Speaker 1: another amazing point in terms of how what you found
38:31
Speaker 1: out was how your partner receives love. You thought it
38:37
Speaker 1: was one way this whole time, right, and then you
38:40
Speaker 1: discovered through this pandemic that it could be something else.
38:45
Speaker 1: How do you receive love? And I want to point
38:48
Speaker 1: out that how we received love changes throughout time. And
38:55
Speaker 1: if you notice, Teddy, we never really talk about marriage
39:00
Speaker 1: through the lifespan. We don't. You get married and then
39:05
Speaker 1: somehow someone as a midlife crisis, they funk up, You
39:09
Speaker 1: stay together, you get divorced, whatever that might be, and boom,
39:11
Speaker 1: we stop the discussion. We really have longer conversations and
39:17
Speaker 1: more open discussions about our marriages, about our relationships because
39:25
Speaker 1: society there's no room for it, there's no narrative for it.
39:29
Speaker 1: We don't really discuss marriage over the lifespan. If you
39:32
Speaker 1: were to talk about, um, some problems that you might
39:36
Speaker 1: have had or that you are having. It's shamed. So
39:40
Speaker 1: there really isn't space, and I would love to create
39:44
Speaker 1: a space. And one of my goals is creating space
39:47
Speaker 1: for couples to be more open about where they are
39:52
Speaker 1: in their marriage, because then you realize that you are
39:56
Speaker 1: not fixed in time like society wants you to be.
40:00
Speaker 1: You are not that fixed couple that got married that day.
40:05
Speaker 1: We're able to talk about are ever changing once, are
40:09
Speaker 1: ever changing desires and are ever changing needs, and there
40:13
Speaker 1: isn't a space for that. I don't know if you
40:15
Speaker 1: notice that, but there isn't any space for that. You
40:18
Speaker 1: never hear about people talking about their marriage as it's transforming.
40:24
Speaker 1: You don't you either hear about I mean, I was
40:27
Speaker 1: even thinking about UM Kristen Cavaliery. I don't watch the show,
40:32
Speaker 1: but when I saw that there was, I think, a
40:34
Speaker 1: divorce and people were shocked. I only know this through
40:38
Speaker 1: social media that people were shocked by it, and I
40:41
Speaker 1: thought to myself, Wow, seasons went by, right, seasons went
40:50
Speaker 1: by this person's life, and yet we're all shocked by
40:56
Speaker 1: this divorce. And I'm not saying that people on television
41:01
Speaker 1: or every reality star has this, UM has this, They
41:08
Speaker 1: should be showing those things. That's not what I'm saying.
41:12
Speaker 1: What I'm asking is why aren't we Why aren't we
41:18
Speaker 1: Why aren't we providing space because we're probably doing the
41:22
Speaker 1: same thing we do to moms, We fucking mom shame them,
41:26
Speaker 1: I know, But why is that? And that's why, you know,
41:29
Speaker 1: when Justin and I were talking in the last episode
41:31
Speaker 1: about all of these celebrity breakups and there's all this
41:34
Speaker 1: shock and even the spouses shocked or the significant other
41:37
Speaker 1: shocked at the breakup, It's like, why are we all
41:40
Speaker 1: in a place where we can't all realize we're all
41:42
Speaker 1: in this together. There's no perfect marriages, there are no
41:46
Speaker 1: perfect couples. There's nobody that doesn't have to work on
41:50
Speaker 1: their marriage all of the time. Well, what, you don't
41:53
Speaker 1: really know how much you love someone until that love
42:00
Speaker 1: is tested, right, You don't really have a solid, solid
42:06
Speaker 1: marriage until the foundation has been tested. So this this
42:14
Speaker 1: vilification of marital problems, this shaming of marital problems, um
42:22
Speaker 1: isn't supportive and it and that's why we see these
42:27
Speaker 1: celebrity breakers. We all they done, what happened? And why
42:31
Speaker 1: couldn't we give space to talk about what really goes
42:36
Speaker 1: on between our marriages and our relationships, like why is that?
42:40
Speaker 1: Why can't we be supportive UM mothers to support other women?
42:46
Speaker 1: Why why is that? And my hope is that this
42:50
Speaker 1: is something that will of course correct itself, that this
42:53
Speaker 1: is something that UM with more discussion, with more talk,
42:59
Speaker 1: where people don't feel the shame that they're able to
43:02
Speaker 1: have a space that's open and honest. So going on.
43:08
Speaker 1: But what happens, Teddy is that this enters the marital
43:12
Speaker 1: space that there you are now needing in time from
43:17
Speaker 1: the time you were married, that because society is imposing
43:21
Speaker 1: this on you, now you now are imposing that on yourself.
43:25
Speaker 1: You're not a lot of have problems, You're a lot
43:27
Speaker 1: of half issues. And I just think a great place
43:32
Speaker 1: if we were all just a little bit more open,
43:36
Speaker 1: more loving, less judging again thinking's hard. I could honestly
43:41
Speaker 1: get therapy from you for the next you know hour.
43:44
Speaker 1: I have to though, get into some listener questions. So
43:48
Speaker 1: the questions, Okay, so we're gonna do a little rapid fire.
43:52
Speaker 1: How do you recover after losing trust? Okay? Trust is
43:59
Speaker 1: one of those interesting things. UM. We build trust over time.
44:06
Speaker 1: It's like you have a jar it's like marble moments.
44:11
Speaker 1: You think trust is built in these big events, and
44:13
Speaker 1: it is not. Here's your jar and then little pieces.
44:19
Speaker 1: I will give you a marble. You accept the marble.
44:21
Speaker 1: Oh he or she noticed my day and asked about it. Wow,
44:25
Speaker 1: Oh they thought about something I said years ago. Oh,
44:29
Speaker 1: they defended me in front of someone. We put we
44:32
Speaker 1: keep putting these marbles in these jars, these marble moments
44:37
Speaker 1: of trust and trust is one of those things that
44:41
Speaker 1: takes a long time to build, and then there's one
44:46
Speaker 1: thing sweeps it all the way. The marble jar just
44:51
Speaker 1: cracks open and everything that you worked for is now gone.
44:56
Speaker 1: So how do you build trust again? You're going to
45:00
Speaker 1: have to remember that it won't be through these big moments.
45:04
Speaker 1: It's going to be the way it was before. It's
45:07
Speaker 1: gonna be these marble jar moments, these where your partner
45:11
Speaker 1: gives you a marbl. Oh, I can trust this all right?
45:15
Speaker 1: A little bit more trust and by the way, you're
45:17
Speaker 1: gonna trust, and then you're gonna not. It's gonna be
45:20
Speaker 1: one step forward, two steps back, one step forward, three
45:23
Speaker 1: steps back. It's gonna take some time. But what I
45:27
Speaker 1: want to tell whoever wrote this, this question. I love
45:33
Speaker 1: that you are wanting to trust again. What a beautiful thing.
45:39
Speaker 1: How do I trust again? How do I build trust?
45:43
Speaker 1: And if it's if it's someone who has broken the
45:45
Speaker 1: trust that wrote that question, what a beautiful thing, and
45:49
Speaker 1: that is trust that I want to get this person's trust,
45:54
Speaker 1: trust back and I want to trust again. So that's
45:58
Speaker 1: what's important there. However that happens is going to be
46:02
Speaker 1: a jigsaw hustle. But be open to accepting those marble
46:07
Speaker 1: jarm moments. I love that the mobile jarm that that
46:13
Speaker 1: now I'm all ted. It's not mine, it's um Berne Brown. Yes, sorry,
46:18
Speaker 1: And she describes it so beautifully in terms of marble
46:22
Speaker 1: jarm moments. That's really great. And now I want to
46:25
Speaker 1: go down that rabbit hole a little bit. Um. How
46:28
Speaker 1: do you navigate during difficult conversations regarding politics or something
46:34
Speaker 1: like black lives matter or any of the things that
46:39
Speaker 1: maybe you don't see eye to eye on with your
46:41
Speaker 1: significant other, resist the urge to be right? Do you
46:49
Speaker 1: want to be happy or do you want to be right?
46:52
Speaker 1: You really have to ask yourself that when you're having
46:55
Speaker 1: these kinds of conversations, and if you resist the er
47:00
Speaker 1: to be right, You're more likely to listen, You're more
47:05
Speaker 1: likely to listen with an open mind, You're more likely
47:09
Speaker 1: not to be a judge asshole, You're more likely to
47:12
Speaker 1: be receiving information. And if you resist the urge to
47:17
Speaker 1: be right, you become the smartest person in the room
47:21
Speaker 1: because now you are available and open to be receiving
47:27
Speaker 1: all the information. So if you resist that urge to
47:31
Speaker 1: be right, that is really how you can have those conversations. Now,
47:37
Speaker 1: I do want to say, UM, I just had a
47:40
Speaker 1: conversation with a friend of mine whose mother UM was
47:45
Speaker 1: saying very racist things, and it was overwhelming her UM,
47:52
Speaker 1: her own mother saying these very racist things, and she
47:57
Speaker 1: just said I. She resisted the urge to say, like,
48:02
Speaker 1: I can't believe a part of you. I can't believe I.
48:05
Speaker 1: I can't fight this this conversation, And so she took
48:10
Speaker 1: care of herself and she hung up the phone. And
48:13
Speaker 1: she's limiting her conversations with her mother until she's able
48:18
Speaker 1: to really talk to her about how she feels about
48:21
Speaker 1: these things. So that's another way is that you can
48:25
Speaker 1: really set your boundaries where they need to be UM
48:30
Speaker 1: and then be able to come back to the conversation
48:34
Speaker 1: with clear and thorough talking points, so very I give
48:39
Speaker 1: long answers even I mean, I completely agree, and I
48:42
Speaker 1: know that we have to wrap up, but there is
48:44
Speaker 1: I had a similar thing happened to me with one
48:46
Speaker 1: of my girlfriends. Um It was involving the pandemic and
48:50
Speaker 1: masks and all kinds of things, and she was kind
48:53
Speaker 1: of making a joke of people wearing masks. She doesn't
48:56
Speaker 1: live in California, and I just realized, like, you know what,
49:00
Speaker 1: I need to mute this person on social media right
49:04
Speaker 1: now because for me, this isn't making me feel good
49:07
Speaker 1: seeing it. It's at knowing that I live in Los Angeles.
49:11
Speaker 1: It's something I'm doing to protect others, to protect my family,
49:16
Speaker 1: to protect myself, and also because it is, you know,
49:20
Speaker 1: a requirement of living in Los Angeles. So seeing that
49:24
Speaker 1: kind of thing was almost like polarizing to me, Like
49:26
Speaker 1: I was like, what why is this making me so upset?
49:29
Speaker 1: And I realized, like, not every single conversation do I
49:34
Speaker 1: need to really get so invested in that's affecting me daily?
49:40
Speaker 1: Like I was like, just if I mute this, I
49:43
Speaker 1: don't need to see it. And then, you know what,
49:46
Speaker 1: I'm okay, and then I will have that conversation with
49:50
Speaker 1: her when I am ready and not all charged up
49:54
Speaker 1: because I'm living it right this second. I mean, think
49:57
Speaker 1: about so this woman was coming through like your need
50:00
Speaker 1: You're like, like, if it was a coming to that way? Yeah,
50:02
Speaker 1: like stories, Yeah, I mean think about that. Think about
50:07
Speaker 1: all the relationships that we are trying to navigate, these
50:14
Speaker 1: really kind of unimportant relationships really that we're trying to
50:18
Speaker 1: navigate because we're given, we're allowing, we're receiving information, and
50:23
Speaker 1: we're allowing that information to come through. Guess what, you
50:26
Speaker 1: don't got to get yourself all rolled up, mute that person,
50:29
Speaker 1: I mean, and at the same time, stay strong in
50:33
Speaker 1: your own book, stay strong and what it means for
50:36
Speaker 1: you to be protecting other people's lives free to protect
50:40
Speaker 1: your own life. So I really have great empathy for
50:44
Speaker 1: what you're talking about. And it's a part of the
50:47
Speaker 1: world we live in now, so we have to have
50:50
Speaker 1: better boundaries. Mute. Yeah, I think better boundaries. Sharing how
50:55
Speaker 1: you feel is great, and it's also as long as
50:58
Speaker 1: we're leaning in learning and do inwood is best for
51:00
Speaker 1: all of us, and we're having empathy. That's where we
51:03
Speaker 1: have we have to keep it. But if if you're
51:05
Speaker 1: letting something in that's constantly making you feel bad, it
51:08
Speaker 1: is not worth it. Yeah, and I just think better
51:13
Speaker 1: than me. I just write on my friends while you're dumb,
51:18
Speaker 1: and then we're not friends anymore. So you're better than me.
51:21
Speaker 1: You like new people. I just say, wow, I didn't
51:25
Speaker 1: know you were the stupid and I'm like, we're not friends,
51:28
Speaker 1: like Psycho. Really, you are way better than me. Now,
51:31
Speaker 1: I would not say it was better. I just I'm like,
51:33
Speaker 1: I don't want to. You know what, I fight with housewives,
51:37
Speaker 1: we're living. I can't be also fighting with people on
51:40
Speaker 1: social media. It's just too much. I say that for Twitter. Um,
51:48
Speaker 1: yeah you are hilarious. But yeah, thank you so much
51:51
Speaker 1: for coming on and I really appreciate you sharing so
51:55
Speaker 1: many great tidbits. For more information on dr B. Where
51:59
Speaker 1: do they find you? That's always a brain teaser. Um.
52:03
Speaker 1: So my Instagram I think is doctor spelled out underscore
52:08
Speaker 1: V underscore um. And then my uh, Twitter, I don't
52:13
Speaker 1: even know, but you know where to find me. I'm
52:16
Speaker 1: around just punching doctor find dr V. You know what?
52:19
Speaker 1: I follow her? Look at the people I'm following and
52:23
Speaker 1: say that. Thank you, ted Thanks you guys for tuning in.
52:30
Speaker 1: I seriously feel like every week is a therapy session
52:33
Speaker 1: for me. So much good info there. Please send in
52:37
Speaker 1: your suggestions for any other topics you want us to
52:40
Speaker 1: dig into at Teddy T at I Heart radio dot com,
52:43
Speaker 1: or you can just d m us on Instagram at
52:45
Speaker 1: Teddy T Podcast. Thanks again for listening and I'll talk
52:48
Speaker 1: to you soon.