Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / The Stress-Relief Tool Parents Can’t Afford to Miss

Transcript

The Stress-Relief Tool Parents Can’t Afford to Miss · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: One of the most popular books that I've been hearing
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: about is from the number one podcast on the planet.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Her name is mel Robbins and the book is called
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: The Let Them Theory, The Let Them Theory, Kylie. Missus
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: Happy Families has spent the last couple of weeks diving
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: deep into this New York Times bestseller, and today we
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: tell you what that let Them theory is and what
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: it means for peace, serenity, calm, bliss and all the
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: good things in your life. I think I don't actually
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: know what Kylie's going to say. Stay with us, good day.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: Thanks so much for joining us on the Happy Families podcast,
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: Real Parenting Solutions every single day on Australia's most downloaded
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: parenting podcast. We are Justin and Kylie Colson. All right, Kylie,
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: let's get straight into it. You're not the expert on
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: the let Them theory. Well, what's the actual title of
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: the book, they Let Them Theory? But let Them Theory? Okay,
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: what is if you can tell me? Will you're not
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: the expert and didn't write the book, what is the
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: let Them Theory?
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: Well, I'm actually going to let mail tell you. I'm
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: going to read a little excerpt from the beginning of
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: a book. Because it's just, it's such a profound thought.
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: If you're, if you're reading this book wanting someone to
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: mody coddle you and to speak gently, she is not
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: the person. She speaks hard truth and they can be
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: hard to swallow.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: Slap in the belly with a wet fish. Yeah, a
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: little bit maybe across that a little bit maybe, But
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: this is what she says.
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: She says. The let them theory is about freedom, two
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: simple words, let them.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: I thought you're going to say.
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: Freedom will free you from the burden of trying to
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: manage other people. When you stop obsessing over what other
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: people think, say, or do, you finally have the energy
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: to focus on your own life. You stop reacting and
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: start living instead of driving yourself crazy trying to manage
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: or please other people, you'll learn to let them. So
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: what does this look like? Imagine you're at work and
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: your colleague is in a bad mood. Instead of letting
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: their negativity affect you, you just say, let them. Let
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: them be grumpy, it's not your problem. Focus on your
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: work and how you feel.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: I've got to cut you off for a sec. This
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: sounds like that thing that I said to you about
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: ten years ago that really changed our relationship. I felt
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: like you were cranky at me. I felt like you
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: were going through a really, really really rough time. I
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: felt like I was doing everything I could to support
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: you and it wasn't working. And one day I said,
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to let you be in a bad
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: mood affect my mood. Like if I'm going to have
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: a good day, I'm having a good day, and I'm
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: satisfied to just let you have a bad day. But
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: I still love you and I'm here to support you.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: But you get to choose your mood.
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: And I think, generally speaking, men are a lot better
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: at differentiating between someone else's emotion and their own.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: So to detach, Okay, you're upset, you can be upset.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: I'm going to go about my day. That's kind of
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: what she's saying. That's what happens. Okay, So if my
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: mother in law drives me crazy, my mother in law
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: look at me and saying, well, if you want to
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: be upset at me, that's your choice. But I'm seventy
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: years old and I'm going to live the life that
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: I want to live. Yeah, this is the anti change.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: Other people book got it just you do you?
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: So maybe your dad makes another comment about your life
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: choices and it hits you like a brick. Instead of
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: letting it ruin your day, just let him. Let him
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: have his opinions. They don't change who you are, or
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: what you've accomplished, or your right to make decisions that
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: make you happy. The truth is, other people hold no
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: real power over you unless you give it to that.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: I'm thinking of so many people we need to give
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: this book case.
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: Here's how it works.
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: Are you still going?
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: When you stop trying to control things that aren't yours
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: to control, You stop wasting your energy. You recclaim your time,
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: your peace of mind, your focus. You realize that your
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: happiness is tied to your actions, not somebody else's behavior, opinions,
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: or moods. They let them. Theory will teach you that
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: the more you let other people live their lives, the
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: better your life gets. Yeah.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: Okay, okay, I love what's going on here. I love
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: what the book is about. When I hear this, though,
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: one of the great challenges that I'm confronted with is
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: as a parent. As a parent, you can't just let
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: the Yes, you can let the kids have a big
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: emotional outburst. I'm really good at saying, you know what, kids,
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: If you want to be upset about this, I get it.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: I still love you. I'm trying to help you. But
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: if you don't want to talk to me, if you
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: want to be cranky, that's on you. I'm here when
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: you're ready. So I get that. But you also can't
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: let your children go and behavior responsibly, you know, responsibility
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: to socialize them.
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: That's exactly right. Your role as a parent is to
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: parent them, so does to safeguard them and to yes
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: and to them navigate. Yes.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: Does she have any content about because.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: You're not specifically in this.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: Book, she does adult that adult.
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: That's exactly right, and she does acknowledge that a parental
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: relationship with your child is different, especially with young children.
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: But she has something that you could go and look
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: on an ebook and have access to. There's just one
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: other that's really important when we think about the let
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: them theory, she said, too often people stop there at
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: letting other people have their emotions, have their opinions, But
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: there's actually more to it. There's two steps. So she said,
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: the let them theory isn't just let them. Yes, it
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: begins with these two words, but that's not the whole story.
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: Let them is just the first half of the equation.
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: There is a second, even more crucial step to this theory,
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: which is let me. So this book is actually not
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: about other people. It's about us and what we choose
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: to do following our acceptance of other people's behavior, opinions, thoughts, emotions,
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: and everything that goes with that.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: Okay, okay, after the break, what Kylie loved most about
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: this book? Because my sense, Kyle is you liked it
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: a lot. Okay, Kylie, they'll let them theory, Mel Robins,
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: she's the number one podcaster globally. Wouldn't mind if we
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: were the number one podcast as globally. But we're not
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: there yet. Can everyone just tell everyone about this podcast
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: like I think we do a I think we do
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: a good pod. Jump online, leave us a five star
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: rating and review. Maybe that'll help us to move up
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: the charts a little bit. Gee wiz, please please, pretty
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: please do it? Is this the bit where you say
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: just let them do what they want? Is that the
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: bit what you said?
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: I was about to say, maybe just write a bit
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: of book.
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: Oh I don't know. It hurt a lot. Okay, what
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: did you laugh most about? Mel Robins? They'll let them
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: theory book.
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: I'm going to share with you three main things that
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: I took away from this. The first one she calls
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: hacking your stress response. She says, the moment anything happens
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: that stresses you out, literally say the words let them
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: put yourself in pause, then say let me and take
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: a breath, Let me take another breath, slow your stress response,
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: calm your body and brain down, take control and regain
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: your power. I love the fact that she just in
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: these few simple steps, what happens when somebody aggravates.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: Us, Well, we respond reactively. We I mean, sometimes we
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: ignore it. Sometimes you turn against or turn away. Right,
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: That's the way that I normally talk about it.
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: If you're not a confrontational person, you might not actually
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: have anything to do with the perpose. You will ruminate
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: over that, you'll keep going over the conversation I should.
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: Have said that thing instead.
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: Exactly exactly, And so we actually number one, give our
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: power to them. All of our energy is focused on
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: that scenario, and we can no longer move forward in
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: positive ways. And the idea and the science back behind
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: taking a breath and stopping ourselves between stimulus and response
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: is so powerful. And I just love the reminder that
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: I get to regain my power by acknowledging. I can't
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: change you, but I can change how I choose to
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: see this and respond to it.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: Love it.
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: Number two, the power of let me. This is really
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: this is so good.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: I love that you're over this book. I love seeing
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: you enjoy a book. It's been at ages since I've
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: seen this, she said.
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: Regardless of what circumstances and situations of which you find yourself,
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: using the let them theory, you'll learn that no matter
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: how big the problem is or how stressful something feels,
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: there's always something you can do through your actions and
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: attitudes to make it better. That is the power of
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: let me. You can't control everyone around you, or the
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: world at large, or what people are doing at the park,
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: but you can always control what you say, what you think, think,
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: or what you do in response.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: I've got to jump in on you with what you're
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: talking about here. This is the ultimate don't be a
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: victim book. That's what I'm hearing you say. I know
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: that that sounds really offensive, and some people, well, like
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: I say, for what I'm saying, but you said this.
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: Is I said that at the beginning, She says some.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: Like she hard truths, really hard truth.
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: Even to the point that you are in the wrong. Yeah,
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: like literally you were in the wrong. If you're feeling
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: x Y and Z about x y and Z, then
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: you're in the wrong.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: I'm hearing take responsibility for you and let other people
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: be themselves. Does she make the point that if people
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: really cross the line, that you have to act though.
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: Yes, of course she acknowledges you're not supposed to be
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: a doormat, But that's where you get to decide. Am
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: I going to stay in this relationship? Is this a
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: relationship that builds me, lifts me up?
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: Am I going to put a boundary in here and
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: say you've just crossed the line?
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: Yes?
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: All right, great?
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: Yes?
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: What's the third thing? We are nearly out of time,
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: and I feel like I need to pick up this
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: book and read it as well. It sounds like fun.
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: The last thing that she makes is don't be the
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: person who bends over backwards to make everyone happy. She said,
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: someone is always going to be disappointed by the decisions
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: that you make. This is so powerful and as she
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: shared the experience that led her to this belief. I
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: was just thinking about all the times I have done this.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: Give me the short version of the experience.
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: So one weekend, her best friend is having a milestone birthday.
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: They're going away for the weekend. It's a four hour
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: drive in one direction. But months previous to this, there's
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: another commitment invitation. Her parents have acknowledged that her grandparents
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: will be in town and she's promised that she will
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: be with them for the weekend. So torn her totally torn.
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: Number One, she wants to be a good friend, but
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: she also wants to be a good daughter and a
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: grand grand So she decides there's only one solution. She's
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: going to drive the four hours to spend the night
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: with her best friend and the girls get completely sloshed,
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: have asleep, wake up the next morning, and while everyone's
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: still sleeping it off. She gets in the car and
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: she drives to her mom's place. It's not until a
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: few days later that she's catching up with her friends
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: and somebody acknowledges that the birthday girl was really disappointed
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: and made the comment that why did she even bother
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: to show up if.
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: She could, if she was going to leave the next
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: morning weekend.
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Meantime, when she showed up at her parents' house,
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: her mum gave her a big hug and whispered in
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: her ear, I need you to know, Grandma was really
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: disappointed you here last night.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: Just keep it to yourself, Mom, like, can you see?
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: Can you see just in that situation, she's tried in
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: her in the only way she knows how to please
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: both people and please know it, and she hasn't pleased
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: to send and no one has.
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: The sad thing about that for me is there's no gratitude,
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: there's no grace. That's right. People aren't saying Mel's got
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: so much on and at least she made the time
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: to do something. Instead, they're saying, why did she bother it?
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: I mean, to me, that's that's an indictment on them.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: And Mel needs new relatives and new friends, draw some
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: boundaries mail robins.
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: But as I read that, I was thinking of all
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: the times that I have turned my life upside down,
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: twisted into one hundred different knots and like a breath,
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: directions to please everyone, and I've had similar outcomes, and
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: I'm left feeling less than whole and seriously upset. And
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: disappointed that there is just no grace of it in
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: spite of my very best efforts. It's not enough cheer.
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: And so the things that I love about this book
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: the acknowledgment that I can't change anyone else. This is
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: not new, This is not new. But in me take
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: on that thought process of let them. I literally am
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: able to just say you have every right to feel
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: that way. I know you're disappointed that I didn't get
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: to spend the weekend with you, but I feel good
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: about the decision I made to come and spend time
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: with you.
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: We're out of time, But I've got a question for you. Yes,
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: have you been using any of the let them theory
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: on me or our kids?
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: No? I haven't, But I've had I've had a situation
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: just in the last few weeks. It has been really
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: troubling for me, and for a handful of days, I've
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: really been ruminating over the way other people have chosen
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: to respond to a decision that I made. And the
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: problem is we know why we make the decisions we make.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, when you intimately trying to be helpful, that's right, and.
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: You're thinking about everybody being a people pleaser, I'm thinking
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: about everyone and trying to make everybody happy in the scenario.
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: But there are plenty of people who are not happy
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: with the decision that I made, and I was getting
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: myself all worked up about it, and then I woke
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: up one morning and I just thought, you know what,
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: Let them. It's okay that they feel this way. No,
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: not from A. It's not from A.
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: It's not a smug arrogance in your face. Let them.
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: It literally is. I can see why you would feel
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: that way. It's okay that you feel that way. That's
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: not why I made the decision, and I didn't make
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: it with that intent, but I can see how that
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: decision may have impacted you in that way, and that's okay.
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: It's not mine to fix it's that's theirs. My role
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: is to take control of the things I can control.
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: I can't control them, but I can control how I think,
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: how I choose to respond, and how I act.
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: The let them theory by Mel Robbins is Kylie Colson's
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: new favorite book, Call It's Pretty Good. We will into
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: it in the show notes. If you would like to
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: click on the link and grab a copy. The Happy
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: Families podcast is produced by Justin from bridge Media, and
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: if you'd like more information about making your family happier
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: and navigating those tricky relationships, jump online to Happy Families
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: dot com, dot a