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Reset | Singleness and Dating · Bayside Davis Podcast

• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the B-Side Babies Podcast.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: You are now listening to our current teaching series.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Genesis chapter 1, verse 31.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Then, verse 18 of chapter 2, the Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: I will make him a helper suitable for him.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: He had brought them to the man to see what he would name them, and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: So the man gave name to all the livestock, to the birds in the sky, and all the wild animals.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: But for Adam, no suitable helper was found.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: So the Lord caused the man to fall in a deep sleep, and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and then closed up the place with flesh.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Then the Lord God made woman from the rib he had taken out of the man.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: In Hebrew, it's Esh and Esha.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: And he brought her to the man.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: The man said, This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh, which is Hebrew idiomatic language, for there is someone like me, a counterpart.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: She shall be called Esha, or woe man, for she was taken out of man.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Adam and his wife were both naked, which is a it's a Hebrew idea that they were literally naked, but it's a Hebrew idea where there was no shame.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why he says, and they felt no shame.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's a beautiful story in Genesis 1.31.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: If you know anything about Genesis, Genesis 1 is all of the creation story, and Genesis 2 is a deeper look into the creation of human beings.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: And in Genesis chapter 2, we get this account that everything is thriving except one thing.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: There was only one human on earth.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: And God gave Adam a job, which is a good thing for guys, right?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: You need a job.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: And there's Mr.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: and Mrs.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Lion and they're not like me.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's Mr.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: and Mrs.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Dinosaur, and they're definitely not like me.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's Mr.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: and Mrs.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Bear, and they're not like me, and he's naming the animals, and he's noticing they all have counterparts, they all have companions, they all have friendships in the animal kingdom.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: But Adam had no companion.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: A good combination.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: He was not on dating apps, swiping.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know which way you swipe, because I've never been on one of those.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't have that in my era.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: He wasn't on The Bachelor with 30 women.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's just rife for problems if you date 30 people at a time.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: He was not on Love is Blind because Love is not blind.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: He recognized that no one was like him.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: He could see that.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: So he was working and single, and he didn't even know his need.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: But God exposed his need.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because there was something in all creation that everything was right, but this one thing wasn't right because God is a relational being.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: And if God created you and me in his image and his likeness, that means we are relational beings too, which is a core part of the essence and nature of God.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so here Adam is in the garden and he's living a single life.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: He's working and single.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: And then he transitions from a single life to a dating or married life, you could say, in the latter part of this verse, and he says, This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: This is idiomatic Hebrew language for there now is someone like me created in the image of God.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: There's a counterpart, there's a helper, there's somebody like me and yet different from me.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: This morning, because we're talking about relationships, I just felt a particular draw to talk about singleness and dating.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you're a parent or a grandparent, you should have your notebooks out today because you are teachers and guides.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're single and ready to mingle, or you're single and not ready to mingle, you should grab your notes app, you should grab your notebook because every person in here, there's something to learn from.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: And particularly, I think this is such an important topic because of our Genesis text, but also our cultural framework today.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: As you know, when school starts, we have hundreds of single people in our church.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: And there's so much content in Christianity around marriage and that relationship and parenting and those relationships, so much.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: There is endless plethora of content in Christianity around that.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: But really, there is limited content around singleness and dating.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And so you have hundreds of people in our community, in our church, that are looking for wisdom.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: I get this question constantly, looking for wisdom on dating and singleness, but there's a scarce amount of material and there are a scarce amount of sermons.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you can go to every great church in America and look on their archives, and you will spend days and days, and you'll never find anything on singleness and dating.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why I want to talk about it.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: So this is for you who are single or you who are dating, you who are parents, you who are grandparents, because you're teachers and guides of the next generation.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: I want to give you a vision for singleness and dating that I think is both scriptural and wise.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought of this and I thought, if I were your dad and you were single, or you were dating, this is the advice I would give you.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: So strap on your seatbelts, grab your notebooks.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: I want to first of all give you a vision for singleness.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Adam was in the garden, he was single.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: So we should have a vision for our singleness.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Paul talks about singleness in 1 Corinthians chapter 7, almost an entire chapter elaborating on the value of singleness.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: You are not less than as a single, you are right where you're supposed to be as a single.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: I think because of how we talk about marriage or parenting in Christianity, we think that's like the ultimate pinnacle of spirituality.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: You can be strong Christian and on fire for the Lord as a single, and you can be a strong Christian and on fire for the Lord in a relationship.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: The relationship is not the evaluator of your spiritual commitment to Christ or your spiritual fulfillment or contentment in Christ.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to focus this morning specifically on singleness in the context of an eventual pursuit.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: What do you do in your season of singleness as a follower of Jesus?
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: And let me give you a big picture framework.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: A major component of finding the right person.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because every single person that is in eventual pursuit is like, who is that person someday?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: A major component of finding the right person, write this down if you're single, is becoming the right person.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: We're on the lookout for the person we want to marry, but sometimes not on the lookout of the person we should be before marriage or before dating.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I think the key for singleness, if you just want an overarching thought and you don't want any of my categories, is that you should be investing in your formation as a follower of Jesus and a healthy human being.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to share with you a vision for your singleness.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: What do you do as you're working and single?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: What do you do as you're in school and single?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: What should you be focusing on in that context of your life?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, I got six things.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Is that okay?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Six things?
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like a dad to the kids.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Six things for you, Jonah.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, number one, oh, it's all love, Jonah.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, cultivate your discipleship to Jesus.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Cultivate your discipleship to Jesus.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: If you're gonna be single with the prospect of becoming the right person, this is the ultimate foundation of your life.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: You should be saying, I need to have a growing and thriving relationship with God.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: 1 Corinthians 7 is the ultimate passage on singleness.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: This is an illustration, Genesis chapter 2.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: But Paul actually talks about it in detail and he says, I would rather you be single than married.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then he gives his reasoning.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because you can be sold out to serving Christ.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: But he said, That's just my opinion.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because Paul at that point in his life was single.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: There's a likelihood that Paul had previously been married.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: He came to Christ and his wife left him because he was a Sanhedrin, and everybody on the Sanhedrin was married.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: And so Paul at this point in his life is single, and he says, focus on the Lord in your singleness.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: That means in your singleness, you should be spending time with Jesus, cultivating that relationship every single day.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: You should be becoming more like Jesus.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: What are the characters of Christ's likeness that I should be pursuing and praying about in my own life?
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then you should be living out the teachings of Jesus, slowly growing in obedience, because discipleship is long-term obedience in the same direction.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: What are the things that I need to be adding to my life that God wants to add to my life?
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: And you're focusing on the Lord in your singleness, and you're intentionally creating space and time to cultivate your discipleship to Jesus.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, not only cultivate your discipleship to Jesus, but grow in your emotional intelligence.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: The great theologian John Calvin, one of the greatest theologians in church history, he wrote endless books, and I've got so many of his books.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: But he said the chief aim of the Christian life is two things to know God and know self.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: The chief aim of the Christian life is to know God and all of his characteristics and all of the nuance of who he is and what he does, and to know yourself.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: You can't be a mature Christian unless you have a healthy, proper knowledge of self.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: And so in your single years, and Adam was probably doing this, you need to know who you are and how you can become a more whole and healthy person as a follower of Jesus.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's some basics that you should know, like before you start dating, like, who am I?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: What are my personality traits?
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: What has shaped my life?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: What has cultivated me as a human being, the things that I've learned from others, the environments that I've been in, the good and the bad?
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: What are those things that have shaped my life?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: What are the unhealthy traits in my life?
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: These are things you should know before you start dating another human being.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: How can you date another human being if you don't know yourself?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: And how can I continue to grow in my emotional intelligence to become more like Jesus in every aspect of who I am as a human being creating the image and likeness of God?
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so emotional intelligence is really important.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, they say, I read a book many, many years ago.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: I got thousands of books.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm kind of a nerd.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I read a book many years ago on leadership.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: The problem with leadership books is like this book has seven things to do, and this book has 20 things to do, and this book has 10 things to do, and you're like, man, I can't do all of this stuff.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: This is impossible.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: But there was a really great book, and the writer said, the writer said, the number one characteristic of Christian leadership is emotional intelligence.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, that's really good.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now I read that book, that's the only thing I remember.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: It was many, many years ago.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: But I thought that's a good thing to remember.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: So grow in emotional intelligence.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, discover my purpose.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'll have much more to say about that next week, so don't miss next week.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Adam had a purpose.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: He was working in the garden.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: Some people they're single and they're like, I'm not gonna really lean into my purpose or discover my purpose until I find my person.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: That is the wrong equation.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: You need to flip that.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: You should be discovering who you've been created to be in this world as you are in your single years.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: What are my strengths?
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: What are my experiences?
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: What are my gifts?
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna talk more about it next week, so I'm not gonna say too much, but but your purpose is really, really essential in this world, and this is the time and place to try new things and be pushed in different areas and learn new things so that you can discover what you're supposed to do in this world.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: I need to know where I'm going in life.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: I talk to uh, you know, we've got tons of young women in our church, and I talk to them and I say, don't get serious with a guy that doesn't know where they're going in life.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: And don't get serious with a guy that doesn't have a job.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's like 101.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: They should at least have, it doesn't mean they're there, but they have a direction, they're moving in the right direction, they have a vision for life, they're they're in school, they're getting decent grades.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: D's don't get Ds don't get degrees, right?
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: If they do, that's problematic.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: So ask them, make sure they're not getting D's, right?
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: So they're working hard, they're in the summer school of ministry or whatever, like they have a direction in life.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's a good place.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: There's 53 in a summer school of ministry.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's amazing.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: I asked Kelly at the end of every like ministry year.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: I say, how many people signed up for our internships this year?
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: Last year was 92.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought, last year, I this has nothing to do with the sermon, but maybe this should encourage some of the guys.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: 92 last year.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: I said, we're never gonna have that many again.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: So I said, Kelly, how many?
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: We were on a big planning meeting call, and she's like adding them all the numbers.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, 150 this year.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's incredible.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know a church in America that is has that much intentional investment in the future generations.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: And the generations are like, we're sold out for Jesus.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: 150 interns this year.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe we're gonna break that record this year.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: But I think it's important to be discovering your purpose.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so proud of all those all the interns and how they're leaning in to figuring out how they've been created and how they can serve the Lord and how they can take characteristics of Christ and implement that into their future vocations as scientists and doctors and lawyers and so on and so forth.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like Sia, Sia's gonna see because she kind of runs this the service, she's all over the place telling people where to go, and that's a great thing because she's a boss boss.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um and uh she's she's gonna be a lawyer, and she's working with this uh organization.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: She's from India, she's working with this organization uh that works in India, and she's graduating this next year, and uh she's going to go to India for a year and just work with all the the legal system in India, and uh she's got this amazing thing helping helping women uh who are in sex trafficking in India be come free and also prosecuting those who are running the sex trafficking networks.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's amazing.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: This girl could be on the Supreme Court someday, she's brilliant and gifted, but she's gonna use her giftings to just change the world in such a redemptive way.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: That is amazing.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go, see you.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: Number four, number four, uh, we're gonna be here all day, but I guess this is a subject you could sit through all day.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: Number four, define your values.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: Don't you think it's important in your singleness that you should have a clear personal values and convictions that you have developed around really clear areas of life?
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like before you're dating, you should have values around sex.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: Before you're dating, you should have values around communication.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: What does healthy communication look like?
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: Before you're dating, you should have values around emotional connection.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what is like what's a healthy emotional connection with a human being in the dating process?
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: What about finances, right?
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you gotta think that through because that's a factor in life and it's a stressful factor in many relationships.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: Or what kind of boundaries do you want to set?
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like, these are things you think through.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what kind of healthy lifestyle that you want to have with the counterpart person uh that you're gonna date someday?
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's food, maybe that's fitness, maybe that's plastic water bottles you don't want in your life, maybe that's seed oils, I don't know, whatever it is.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: Think about that.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like these are dimensions of life that will actually, maybe for some of you, are important or should be important and thought through in your life.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: And then number five, cultivate your mental and emotional health.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I just want to just broadly say that you can't avoid this and remain healthy in any relationship.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: You you've got to process your pain, you've got to process your past in healthy ways to be healthy in any type of relationship, friendship, uh, parenting, grandparenting, whatever it may be, like processing the stuff in life that we all want to evade and avoid, but we know we can't or we should not because we won't be healthy internally and then in relationship with other people if we don't process it.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: That means you need to choose healing over avoiding.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to be healthy in a relationship with any human being, that means you need to choose forgiveness over bitterness.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's core aspects of your mental health that you have to lean into so that you are a healthy person for another healthy person.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's so many other things about your identity and your mental narrative and your family of origin, but we don't have time for that.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: This is broad categories that I think will at least help you to start gaining a traction in how to live out your singleness.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: Then, number six, develop responsibility.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: I think this is so important.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: Don't wait to become responsible when you're face to face with Mr.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: Wright or Mrs.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: Wright.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: You should become responsible now.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you should become a hard worker in every aspect of your life before you find the person.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: I tell I tell I tell guys, you if you find a girl that you really like, she's gonna motivate and influence your life.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: But you should be that person, or at least cultivating that personhood in your life before you start dating that girl.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: So a sense of working hard is so important.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then you should, you know, a lot of you you're in one of the top universities in America, top 10.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Academic University in America.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: You should steward your education.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: This is important.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: When I was in college, and then, you know, I got two graduate degrees.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um I loved school.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, this is something God has given me a gift.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: I had sports scholarships and undergraduate and then academic scholarships.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: And fortunately, I had no student debt.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: Praise the Lord.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: Three degrees and not a dime in student debt because I worked hard.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: I worked hard academically, I worked hard in athletics, I worked hard and it gave me an opportunity.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I wasn't gonna just like, I had to keep up really good grades to keep scholarships with academics and such, but I wanted to steward my education.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: I want to encourage you, steward your education.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: This is so vital for your future.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: Another area of developing responsibility, I'm just gonna list these.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: Is that okay?
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: You guys good?
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: We go a little long this morning.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: Are you good?
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: Another aspect of developing responsibility is creating good financial habits now, not later.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: So if you spend more than you earn, that's a problem.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I think developing really good, put together a budget.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: We have one as a church.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: Uh we have a budget template with an explanation.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: Uh so if you want that, let us know, we'll get that for you.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: But create good financial habits now.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: These are the these are the building blocks that will help any relationship you're in in the future.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: And be become an active church member.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: This is not something I have to tell you guys because you're already doing it.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: Great job.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: But this is an important part of life, this is responsibility.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, you know, some people are like, I go to church once a month.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's actually the average in America.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's terrible.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: So, like in the fall, when we've got hundreds of people in here on a Sunday, that's probably at best 50% of the people that call Bayside Davis their home.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: And even less in mega, mega churches like Bayside Granite Bay, you know, they got like 10,000 people probably in their church, and uh they probably have 20,000 people that go to their church.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: Uh because there's like a lack of commitment and responsibility.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: There's a spiritual responsibility to be like, I'm gonna seek the Lord.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now you don't have to go every week, you're gonna go on vacations as you should, and you're gonna get sick as you will, and then there's weeks that you're just like I guess you sleep in or whatever, but like the habit should be consistent, active, seeking God amongst his people, as has been done for all of human history in relationship with God in the Old and the New Testament.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's some developing responsibility that I think is vital beyond that.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's like cleaning your house.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: Can you imagine if you know you got a bunch of roommates and you invite a couple guys over and one of them you like, and your house is a disaster.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: Or men, young men, you know, you invite a group of girls over and one of them you like, and all your roommates are there, and you've got two weeks of dishes piled up in the sink.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: Not a good sign, ladies.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: Not a good sign.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: Clean your house, boys.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: This is developing responsibility.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: And all the women said, Amen.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: Read your Bible and pray every day, like these are basic responsibilities.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: These are things you probably should be doing, serving the Lord, uh, even learning to cook.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: Don't you think that's good, Kelly?
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: Learning to cook?
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: And they said, let him cook.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, okay.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: Rich Wilkerson wrote a book on singleness, by the way.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: Great book.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, easy read.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: Rich Wilkerson said this.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: I just want you to get this.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_00: This is a summation point of what I'm trying to say.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: Singleness is not a stop sign, he writes.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_00: Singleness is not a comma.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a stop sign for you, it's not a comma for you.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_00: Singleness is a time to be intentional with your life.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_00: You can't say, I'm gonna be intentional someday when, dot, dot, dot.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: You need to become intentional now.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's an amazing building block, foundational time in your life.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I want to transition from singleness to dating, but I want to give you a little history lesson.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: The word dating did not come into our current vocabulary nomenclature until 1896.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_00: That was when the the term dating originated in 1896.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_00: There was no dating in the Bible.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_00: Now, it wasn't that people never chose somebody, it was that your entire family and often your community was involved in the choosing of the person that you were gonna marry.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: So it was less decision anxiety, but maybe a little fear anxiety, because like, oh man, I don't want her, I don't want him, but you know, maybe they're gonna pick that person, so I'm a little nervous.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_00: Dating came into existence in the late 1900s or 1800s, so around the 1890s, later 1890s, uh, up into the early 1900s, and by 1920, this is how early dating is as we think about it.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: In 1920, dating became the popular mainstream practice amongst the young people in that time.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: So it was the first time that dating became like mainstream, it was in the 1920s.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: Little history lesson for you, 1896, 1920s, and we're only in 2026, y'all.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_00: So dating as we know it has not been a practice because of cultural, historical, cultural frameworks.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_00: But that's not to say it's a bad thing.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's just to say it's a new thing.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do you go from singleness?
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: You're you've got building blocks in your life that you're being intentional, you've got formation, you're becoming the right person.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_00: How do you go from singleness to dating?
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_00: How do you transition those realities with spiritual wisdom?
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: I've got some thoughts for you.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that when you're thinking about going from singleness, as Adam was here in the garden, and he was naming the animals, he was the first zoologist, and he was got all these great names, lions and tigers and bears, and oh my.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so, uh, but he transitioned from being single to being in a relationship with Eve, Adam and Eve, and he was delighted in that relationship.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: So, in our current modern cultural context, I think that you've got to think about when you go from singleness to dating, it's about learning compatibility.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_00: Learning compatibility.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: Some people go from singleness to dating, they go zero to 100.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, we were friends, and now I'm gonna marry you.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's probably not always wise to go from zero to 100 because this is a moment to go from I'm single to now I'm learning about compatibility and key areas with this other human being.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I've got what I believe to be five key core areas of compatibility for dating that becomes an evaluation as you're dating.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_00: You're you're evaluating my my good friend Brandon Shore, he's the pastor of Bayside Folsom.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_00: He was just on a podcast, Am I Doing This Right Podcast?
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, Listen, ladies, he said, listen, young man, if you're not married, you're still available.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you're dating or you're engaged, meaning you're not married till you're married, so if you want to get out of it, you can still get out of it up until the day of your wedding.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_00: But after that, you can't get out of it.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: So I think it's a learning process of compatibility.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_00: So, what are key areas of compatibility?
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, and the most important, is spiritual compatibility.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: We both follow Jesus with an active and growing relationship with Him.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's not we both know Jesus, it's we're both following Jesus and it's active and it's growing.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_00: Don't put your discipleship to Jesus on pause because you found someone to date.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_00: Matthew chapter 6, verse 24 says, seek first a young man.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: Seek first a young woman.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: Seek first his kingdom and righteousness.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: You want to know a major red flag in a relationship is that you are seeking and following Jesus less, and a person that you like becomes an idol in your life, taking the position of Christ.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's a red flag.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_00: Infatuation, write this down, infatuation leads to the wrong foundation.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because infatuation will elevate a person above the place of God, and all of a sudden God goes down and a person goes up, and that is problematic on every level.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_00: Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_00: Keep growing as a disciple of Jesus.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_00: Keep building on the foundation of following Jesus as the core of your life.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_00: Seek Him and serve Him and live the life He designed you to live.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: Then, 2 Corinthians 6.14 says this: Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: Some people ask me, they're like, Wesley, Wesley, can I missionary date?
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_00: Which means I'm a Christian, they're not.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: I would just say, here's what Scripture says.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_00: 2 Corinthians 6.14.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_00: Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_00: He's talking about the most important, compatible relationships in life.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_00: Spiritual compatibility is the foundation for every aspect of life together.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're a believer and you love the Lord and you're serving the Lord and this person isn't a believer, you're gonna have different views on life, different foundations, different values, different frameworks.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_00: That is a problem.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_00: So you probably shouldn't date an unbeliever.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_00: Lead them to Christ, maybe date them later.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_00: But don't date them to Christ.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_00: Lead them to Christ.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_00: So you're, if you like somebody, maybe you're an evangelist first.
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_00: And then they come to the Lord and they have an active and growing relationship with Him, then you can think about that later, but make sure that the influence is God, not you, to follow Christ.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_00: After they come to Christ.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_00: Does that am I making sense?
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_00: Amen, if I'm making sense.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_00: So spiritual compatibility, number two, relational compatibility.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_00: And this is multifaceted.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_00: You and every every healthy dating relationship, there's friendship, there's romance, there's partnership.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_00: And some people say there's no romance in the Bible.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_00: I say, read Song of Solomon, there's romance in the Bible.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: That was X-rated, you couldn't even read that until you were 13.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: There was a book of the Bible in ancient history you couldn't read till you were 13.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_00: If we did a sermon series on that during the school year, our church would be over a thousand people, I guarantee you.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_00: But we're not going to.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_00: So there's romance in the Bible.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_00: That by the way, that's a biblical book.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_00: So the question is: are we a good relational fit?
• 34:07
  SPEAKER_00: And are we growing in a healthy, cultivating friendship as the foundation of our relationship?
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_00: I would say, after living many, many more years than some of you, and many less years than some of you, I would say that in any healthy relationship, friendship is the foundation.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_00: The problem with some of these like dating shows that you know so many people watch in our culture is they it's like it's they go physical before friendship.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_00: Or they go friendship and then all physical and friendship is very limited.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like that is not a healthy way to develop a strong, healthy, long-term relationship.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because physical in the Bible comes last, meaning the the you know, romantic affection and all that stuff.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_00: That comes last.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: Song of Solomon comes last.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_00: What comes first is developing a friendship.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: You should have you should be a good relational fit.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: Two great people can be a bad relational fit.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_00: So it's gonna take you time to figure that out, and that should start with a strong friendship.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_00: So if you you see somebody, it's a good-looking guy or a good-looking girl, uh, you shouldn't go from zero to 100, hey, you're good looking, I'm good looking, let's date.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_00: It should be like, I am attracted to you, but let's wait to date so we can cultivate a friendship because maybe we're a good fit and maybe we're not.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: Two great people in this church can be a bad fit.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_00: And two great people in this church could be a great fit, but it takes time to learn.
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_00: Rich Wilkerson's book on singleness says dating should be investigation.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: You're investigating.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_00: You're developing a friendship.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_00: In that friendship, you're asking questions, you're learning about a person over time, you're learning about their personality, their humor, their character, their life story, their family, their friendships, their interests, their calling, their habits, their communication style, their conflict style, their pain, their hurt, their values.
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_00: All those things over time you're leaning into because dating is investigation.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a good thing.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_00: Giving it time, developing a friendship, seeing if there's compatibility in who you are and who this other person is and all the aspects of life is an important thing because two great people can be incompatible.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_00: And that's okay.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you should be, by the way, you should be able to date somebody in our church, recognize you're incompatible, and then just be fine after that.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_00: In the front row.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, don't make it dramatic.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_00: This is normal.
• 37:12
  SPEAKER_00: Not everybody works.
• 37:14
  SPEAKER_00: Love Jesus, respect them, honor them, value them, treat them normally, don't be weird, don't create drama.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_00: Drama is not of the Lord.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_00: Drama's of you, not the Lord.
• 37:27
  SPEAKER_00: Less drama is better.
• 37:29
  SPEAKER_00: So we've got hundreds of single people in our church.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_00: Less drama, more objectivity, and more openness to the fact that not everything's gonna work out.
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't, but there's brothers and sisters in Christ still, even if it doesn't, and don't treat them badly, honor them, be objective, recognize maybe we were a bad fit, but I pray and hope you find your fit, and I pray and hope I find my fit, and I'm gonna still love the Lord in community with you.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_00: Can I get an amen?
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_00: They've been telling me there's just drama, so I'm just I'm just deflating the drama.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_00: So less drama, more Jesus.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, relational compatibility.
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, identity compatibility.
• 38:19
  SPEAKER_00: Can I just say this is really, really important?
• 38:23
  SPEAKER_00: And if you say you know you can't say it, I'm gonna say it anyways.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_00: Can I just say this is really, really important?
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_00: That I am becoming more like myself, not less like myself with you.
• 38:43
  SPEAKER_00: My identity as a human being creating the image of God is not lost when dating you.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_00: Don't lose yourself in dating.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_00: Don't forfeit yourself in dating.
• 39:00
  SPEAKER_00: Some people start dating and they completely change who they are.
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_00: Their personality changes, their calling changes, their vision changes, their values changes, their worth changes.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_00: That is not healthy for anyone.
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_00: Dating is not learning to be a chameleon to fit in with another person.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm from my family's from Copenhagen, Denmark.
• 39:33
  SPEAKER_00: The origination of Legos is Copenhagen, Denmark.
• 39:40
  SPEAKER_00: The pieces have to fit together.
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_00: Don't change you so the pieces fit, because you will be miserable.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_00: See if the pieces fit together.
• 39:57
  SPEAKER_00: See if the Legos fit together, and they may not, and that's okay.
• 40:01
  SPEAKER_00: Dating should not cause you to be chameleon, losing yourself.
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_00: Dating should enliven and strengthen who God created you to be, if it's a good fit.
• 40:12
  SPEAKER_00: No dating relationship is worth forfeiting God's design for your life.
• 40:19
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say there's a great NFL quarterback throwing all kinds of touchdowns and getting paid millions of dollars, because the quarterbacks get paid the most.
• 40:33
  SPEAKER_00: And he's the star of the NFL, but single, but open.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_00: And he meets a girl, and he's making 30 million a year.
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's a lot of money.
• 40:44
  SPEAKER_00: But he's really good.
• 40:45
  SPEAKER_00: He's gifted at what he does.
• 40:48
  SPEAKER_00: And he meets a girl and they fall in love, and she hates football.
• 40:54
  SPEAKER_00: And she says, I want you to leave football for me.
• 41:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's not a good thing.
• 41:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's a bad fit.
• 41:05
  SPEAKER_00: The football player was given a gift by God, and that should be supported, not forfeited.
• 41:14
  SPEAKER_00: You don't become less of yourself dating somebody.
• 41:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's a sign it's the wrong person to date.
• 41:21
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, this is investigation.
• 41:23
  SPEAKER_00: You're learning.
• 41:24
  SPEAKER_00: Do I have, am I becoming more like myself or less like myself?
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_00: Am I flourishing?
• 41:30
  SPEAKER_00: Am I becoming more like God created me to be or less like God created me to be?
• 41:36
  SPEAKER_00: And if you say I'm becoming less, you can just say we're a bad fit.
• 41:42
  SPEAKER_00: And that's okay.
• 41:43
  SPEAKER_00: Number four, growth compatibility.
• 41:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I would also add, this is essential.
• 41:53
  SPEAKER_00: We are both committed to humble self-awareness and continual personal growth in all areas of life.
• 42:01
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know every relationship is a mirror?
• 42:03
  SPEAKER_00: We think every relationship is an opportunity for that person, for me, for that person to help me.
• 42:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm gonna get everything possible out of that person.
• 42:14
  SPEAKER_00: But relationships, yes, there is something we get from each person.
• 42:19
  SPEAKER_00: It should be mutual investment.
• 42:21
  SPEAKER_00: But every relationship is a mirror showing me who I really am.
• 42:27
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes when you're single, you're like, I'm amazing.
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm amazing.
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then you start dating somebody and you're like, I got lots of problems.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_00: A good relationship will help you learn more about yourself.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_00: And it's okay if you have problems and weaknesses.
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's completely normal.
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a healthy part of a relationship is that you grow in that mirror relationship with another human being.
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_00: You get to see your strengths.
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_00: Oh wow, this person's really blessed by this.
• 43:02
  SPEAKER_00: You get to see your weaknesses.
• 43:03
  SPEAKER_00: Oh wow, this person's really bothered by this.
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_00: The problem with your weaknesses that most of us we don't want to see our weaknesses, so we get defensive in relationships.
• 43:15
  SPEAKER_00: And hopefully, the older you get, the more calm you get, and the more humble you get, and you're able to just say, Oh, that's great.
• 43:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna work on that.
• 43:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because defensiveness doesn't help anybody, it doesn't help you, and it doesn't help that relationship.
• 43:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so you get to see where are my communication strengths and where are my communication, where is it underdeveloped?
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_00: How do I work in conflict?
• 43:40
  SPEAKER_00: How do I how do I posture myself in humility?
• 43:43
  SPEAKER_00: How do I sacrificially love this person?
• 43:46
  SPEAKER_00: There's a mirror relationship.
• 43:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now, think I want to just paint a picture.
• 43:51
  SPEAKER_00: Some people, when they date people or get married or whatever, they put on glasses.
• 43:58
  SPEAKER_00: They put on glasses because they Want to see themselves more clearly.
• 44:03
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, this is a good thing, and I want to grow for the rest of my life.
• 44:07
  SPEAKER_00: And other people, when they're in a relationship, they put on sunglasses because they don't want to see clearly their need for development and growth.
• 44:17
  SPEAKER_00: They blind themselves, they put on, you know, the dark, dark shade sunglasses.
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_00: They don't want to see clearly.
• 44:27
  SPEAKER_00: If someone refuses to grow and change in dating, they will not grow and change in marriage.
• 44:36
  SPEAKER_00: Marriage does not solve your weaknesses and unhealth.
• 44:40
  SPEAKER_00: Marriage magnifies your weaknesses and unhealth.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_00: And every married person in here said, You think, oh, oh, it's gonna get better when we get married.
• 44:52
  SPEAKER_00: It never, ever gets better when you get married.
• 45:00
  SPEAKER_00: It gets worse.
• 45:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because then you're around that person 24-7.
• 45:06
  SPEAKER_00: And if it bothered you in dating, it's gonna really bother you when you see them every single day.
• 45:13
  SPEAKER_00: And all the merry people said, All that to say is you you have got problems in marriage, you got problems in dating, but deal with as many problems as you can in dating so you can lessen them in marriage.
• 45:26
  SPEAKER_00: Bernice, what do you say?
• 45:27
  SPEAKER_00: What do you say?
• 45:28
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 45:29
  SPEAKER_00: And guess who else is saying amen?
• 45:31
  SPEAKER_00: Lake is your husband.
• 45:34
  SPEAKER_00: I love the honesty in the front row.
• 45:38
  SPEAKER_00: So there should be growth compatibility.
• 45:40
  SPEAKER_00: If one person refuses to change and another one wants to change, you're incompatible.
• 45:46
  SPEAKER_00: Don't think.
• 45:48
  SPEAKER_00: Can I just tell you something?
• 45:49
  SPEAKER_00: I've been a pastor for I've been teaching in Bible colleges, undergraduate, lead pastor, 18 years lead pastor before that teaching.
• 46:00
  SPEAKER_00: Can I just say something?
• 46:03
  SPEAKER_00: I forgot what I was gonna say.
• 46:07
  SPEAKER_00: Came to my mind and I lost it.
• 46:11
  SPEAKER_00: It was really valuable.
• 46:15
  SPEAKER_00: We'll move on.
• 46:16
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, here we go.
• 46:17
  SPEAKER_00: If I remember, I'll just I'll just shove it in there.
• 46:21
  SPEAKER_00: Number five, we're almost done.
• 46:23
  SPEAKER_00: Hopefully, this is helpful.
• 46:25
  SPEAKER_00: Values compatibility.
• 46:29
  SPEAKER_00: We share the same core values.
• 46:33
  SPEAKER_00: This is really important.
• 46:35
  SPEAKER_00: This should be a part of your communication.
• 46:37
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to have this conversation overnight.
• 46:40
  SPEAKER_00: You can discover these things over time, you can have bits and pieces of these conversations over time, but like, what is each person's value around following Jesus?
• 46:49
  SPEAKER_00: Really important.
• 46:51
  SPEAKER_00: What is each person's values around spiritual disciplines?
• 46:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you should, that should be investigation one-on-one.
• 46:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, do you read your Bible?
• 46:59
  SPEAKER_00: Do you pray?
• 47:01
  SPEAKER_00: How often do you go to church?
• 47:03
  SPEAKER_00: Your church involvement?
• 47:04
  SPEAKER_00: Do you serve?
• 47:05
  SPEAKER_00: Do you care about others more than yourself?
• 47:07
  SPEAKER_00: As Jesus says in Philippians chapter 2?
• 47:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like, these are really important things.
• 47:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what is what are each other's values when it comes to Jesus?
• 47:17
  SPEAKER_00: The Bible, spiritual disciplines, church involvement, uh, serving other people, which is something that God highlights over and over and over again in the Bible.
• 47:27
  SPEAKER_00: Then you discover what are each person's values around God's design for desire and sex.
• 47:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's an important thing to discover, right?
• 47:36
  SPEAKER_00: You want to be compatible in your dating relationship about God's design for those core elements.
• 47:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because if one person is like, I don't care what God says, and the other person says, I care what God says, that's gonna be a problem.
• 47:54
  SPEAKER_00: And can I give you an addition of wisdom?
• 47:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I will remember this one.
• 47:59
  SPEAKER_00: When you're dating, what's open late at night here?
• 48:06
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 48:07
  SPEAKER_00: Raising when you're dating, go to raising canes.
• 48:14
  SPEAKER_00: When you're dating, if you're a vegan, find something.
• 48:17
  SPEAKER_00: Drive to Sacramento.
• 48:21
  SPEAKER_00: When you're dating, don't go to your apartment, close your door of your room, turn on a movie, lay down on the couch together.
• 48:30
  SPEAKER_00: That is 911 danger.
• 48:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because you've got emotions and desires and that will enliven them, and you'll have no, I mean you'll have a little ability, but you're you're gonna become weak in those moments, and nine times out of ten, you're gonna fall.
• 48:48
  SPEAKER_00: So don't put yourself in position to fall.
• 48:51
  SPEAKER_00: Go to raising canes.
• 48:56
  SPEAKER_00: Or what?
• 48:58
  SPEAKER_00: In and out.
• 48:59
  SPEAKER_00: Do they have vegan food in In N Out?
• 49:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, just get lettuce and vegetables, no burger.
• 49:06
  SPEAKER_00: Go to In N Out.
• 49:08
  SPEAKER_00: Don't watch Netflix and lay down on your couch together with nobody around.
• 49:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's not gonna work out too well.
• 49:16
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, what are each person's values around communicating in a constructive and life-giving manner?
• 49:24
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want to date somebody where every communication is destructive or toxic.
• 49:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's a bad sign.
• 49:32
  SPEAKER_00: You want you want to talk about these things.
• 49:33
  SPEAKER_00: How can we grow in communication?
• 49:35
  SPEAKER_00: What are healthy forms of communication?
• 49:37
  SPEAKER_00: What are your needs?
• 49:38
  SPEAKER_00: What are my needs?
• 49:39
  SPEAKER_00: And vice versa.
• 49:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is really important stuff.
• 49:43
  SPEAKER_00: Values around sharing your emotions, right?
• 49:46
  SPEAKER_00: If somebody's emotionally closed off and somebody's emotionally vulnerable and honest, you gotta process that together.
• 49:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's a really important thing.
• 49:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because, listen, there's this false cultural construct that God, God created women to be emotionally healthy beings and men to be emotionally closed-off beings.
• 50:06
  SPEAKER_00: That is not biblical.
• 50:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because God is an emotionally open, healthy being, which means men should be emotionally open, healthy beings.
• 50:16
  SPEAKER_00: That is cultural.
• 50:17
  SPEAKER_00: And the problem with us in culture is we've been taught a different construct, which means we're underdeveloped, but you can choose to develop that part of your life.
• 50:25
  SPEAKER_00: And a couple, do you guys want a couple more?
• 50:27
  SPEAKER_00: I've been going a long time, but you want a couple more?
• 50:29
  SPEAKER_00: I told you this is gonna be longer, way longer than normal.
• 50:32
  SPEAKER_00: Is that okay?
• 50:33
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 50:34
  SPEAKER_00: Is that okay?
• 50:36
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want me to do you want me to finish this or end it?
• 50:39
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, then we got baptisms.
• 50:40
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, here we go.
• 50:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, what about what about finding out if you're compatible in your good stewardship of financial goals and habits?
• 50:53
  SPEAKER_00: Really important.
• 50:53
  SPEAKER_00: Why not find that out now?
• 50:58
  SPEAKER_00: You're going out to coffee every day, but you don't even have the money to buy the coffee.
• 51:02
  SPEAKER_00: You're putting on your credit card.
• 51:03
  SPEAKER_00: What's up with that?
• 51:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 51:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like you should talk about those things.
• 51:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, do you do you have an IRA?
• 51:10
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, if you're young, 18, 19, 20, get one now.
• 51:15
  SPEAKER_00: Compound interest is a miracle, it's a financial miracle.
• 51:20
  SPEAKER_00: The earlier you do that, the the better you're gonna be off when you're older.
• 51:24
  SPEAKER_00: And now you can have kids with them.
• 51:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, so if you're a parent, you get your kid uh, you know, an IRA or whatever they have now, um, get that for your kid.
• 51:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's an amazing opportunity uh to develop financial health, but teach it.
• 51:38
  SPEAKER_00: My mom is amazing at finances, so she taught me, and I never had any issues with finances my entire life because my mom is incredible with finances, she's she does good in investments too, and all that stuff.
• 51:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but uh, and and then because of that, she takes me to Europe uh all the time.
• 52:00
  SPEAKER_00: So it's amazing.
• 52:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um thank you for my mom.
• 52:04
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 52:05
  SPEAKER_00: Uh what are what are your guys' values around careers and potential future families?
• 52:11
  SPEAKER_00: You should talk about those things.
• 52:13
  SPEAKER_00: What about in the dating relationship?
• 52:14
  SPEAKER_00: What are your values around keeping healthy boundaries in dating, preventing sexual sin and unhealthy attachment and infatuation and moving way too fast?
• 52:23
  SPEAKER_00: Don't be like the bachelor.
• 52:25
  SPEAKER_00: That is not your model for dating as a follower of Jesus.
• 52:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's so important you talk about those things up front.
• 52:34
  SPEAKER_00: What are our boundaries?
• 52:36
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm just, I'm not saying you should be shameful if you've fallen or if you've sinned.
• 52:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, come to the altar, like be forgiven by God.
• 52:44
  SPEAKER_00: Grace, grace, grace.
• 52:46
  SPEAKER_00: Get some people in your life that can ask you tough questions and they can direct you and give you wisdom so that you can be healthy because you don't want that to go in front of a friendship and developing investigation and learning because that attachment is very strong.
• 52:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's why it's hard to break up when that part is an element of your relationship.
• 53:04
  SPEAKER_00: And then a couple more, and then I'll be done.
• 53:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
• 53:06
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, what are each person's values around living a healthy lifestyle?
• 53:11
  SPEAKER_00: What if one person likes to run every morning, the other person the most the most they do is walk to the fridge?
• 53:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 53:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you might want to talk about that.
• 53:20
  SPEAKER_00: What if what if one person drinks kale smoothies and the other person wakes up and drinks Dia Pepsi?
• 53:27
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, like you might want to talk about that.
• 53:31
  SPEAKER_00: You know the funny thing about people that get married, they're like right before their wedding, they're like exercising every day and they're like eating like plant-based foods, and they're like in the gym all the time, and then once they get married, they're like, I'm never going to gym again.
• 53:44
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you may want to talk about that.
• 53:47
  SPEAKER_00: So at the beginning of your relationship, you talk about these things.
• 53:51
  SPEAKER_00: What does a healthy lifestyle look to you?
• 53:54
  SPEAKER_00: Or, you know, maybe it's not important for both of you, but at least talk about it.
• 53:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then the final thing that I think should be a core value for both of you is do we make each other feel safe?
• 54:09
  SPEAKER_00: My one of my friends, pastor friends, he says, he teaches people this in dating relationships.
• 54:15
  SPEAKER_00: He says there's a one-and-done policy for certain actions in dating.
• 54:19
  SPEAKER_00: Abuse, one and done policy, cheating, one and done policy.
• 54:25
  SPEAKER_00: There are certain things that are one and done policies.
• 54:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's a really important thing.
• 54:32
  SPEAKER_00: Does that person make you feel safe?
• 54:34
  SPEAKER_00: And vice versa.
• 54:35
  SPEAKER_00: I think that there's a mutuality of understanding and compatibility, is there's safety in this relationship.
• 54:42
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, don't get caught in a relationship where you're being manipulated and you feel unsafe.
• 54:48
  SPEAKER_00: Get out of that.
• 54:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you feel unsafe now, you're gonna feel unsafe later.
• 54:56
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think that's a really, really important aspect of compatibility that you have to evaluate over time.
• 55:05
  SPEAKER_00: And now, given, I didn't say anything about looks, because that's a given, right?
• 55:09
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, Adam wasn't blind in the story, but that can't be the core.
• 55:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because if somebody is great looking, but you're incompatible, you're gonna be miserable for a lifetime.
• 55:25
  SPEAKER_00: And if somebody is deep decent looking and you're really compatible, you're probably gonna be happy for a lifetime.
• 55:32
  SPEAKER_00: And attraction, attraction is different for everybody, and so we can't talk about all the elements of that, but I can talk about all the core elements.