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61. When Letting Go Is The Hardest (and Best) Thing You'll Do · A Heart That Beats for Home

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hey friends, I'm Nikki Smith, your host here at A Heart that Beats for Home, the podcast where we're ditching filters and diving headfirst into the raw beauty of all things home.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Now, I am no expert when it comes to this whole parenting and marriage dance.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: I'm simply a gal who's been riding the mom roller coaster for 22 years and a wife still untangling the mystery of it all 25 years after saying I do.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: My goal is to bring you unapologetically messy and boldly genuine conversations about cultivating strong families.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: We're going to laugh, possibly cry, and straight talk about the joy and chaos that comes within the four walls that we call home.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: No judgment and certainly no perfection, Just real talk from my heart, a heart that beats for home.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Let's dive in.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: Hello friends, welcome back.
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: Thanks for being here with us for another Thursday here on the podcast.
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: So grateful today for the spring weather coming into the 60 degrees mid-April, grass is green, flowers are sprouting and I am so ready for this season.
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: For those of you that tuned in, last week you know that I was down with a serious bug of some sort, a laryngitis flu type, something that knocked me out.
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: I haven't been that sick in quite some time.
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: Unfortunately, my husband fell to the same thing and it has been a week of just trying to get strength back.
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: Lost my voice completely for a couple of days, had to cancel a couple of podcast recordings, had to pivot last week and republish an episode from last year because I knew nobody would have wanted to listen to my gravelly voice.
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: I'm about 90% better I'm sure you can still hear just a little bit of it in my voice but feeling so much better and so grateful just for all of the different signs of spring and summer coming outside.
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: And in thinking through today's episode I was excited just to talk a little bit about one of the really big, obvious things that comes at this time of year, this spring season coming into summer, which is the craziness of April and May that all moms seem to find themselves into.
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: This season feels a little bit like Christmas season, when the list is super long all of the school projects and programs and activities, the graduations, the ceremonies, the getting ready just for all of the craziness that is coming at us in these last few weeks of school.
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: And thinking through just a really big one that's happening for our family, it is absolutely crazy to me to think of the fact that we have a child that is graduating from college.
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: It literally feels like just yesterday that we were dropping off sweet Maddie at college and here we are four years later, just two weeks away from college graduation.
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: And one more checkbox that I guess Jed and I can add to our parenting kit is that we will be able to say that we have graduated a child from college.
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: And it is still hard for me to believe that Jed and I are old enough to be parents that have graduated kids out of college.
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: But here we are, that first of three is done in just a few days.
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: She's in a really fun season of classes just about being done, a lot of free time being able to have a lot of fun with friends on campus.
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: Basketball is officially wrapped up and that chapter of her life has closed.
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: That was a super, you know, interesting, bittersweet season 12 years of a sport coming to an end and so very similar to a lot of the high school lasts.
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: You walk through some of that with college, but in a very different element because there's not the agony of the child leaving home.
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: We've already been in that state for a long time and we're kind of in a unique situation where graduation for us is super, super exciting, not just because it means that Madison has that huge accomplishment under her belt we're so, so proud of her, not only for being a four-year college athlete she was an RA for two years.
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: She is graduating with tons of different honors throughout her four years and just proud of that huge accomplishment but super excited because Maddie is going on to get a master's degree in physician's assistant.
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: She would love to work in orthopedic surgery and so she is coming home for one year to get those clinical hours at a local orthopedic clinic, to then start applying to PA schools and hopefully, a year from now, be starting into her two-year PA program.
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: And so a season that I would have told you that I thought was over for our family.
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: I know high school, when you're getting ready for them to leave, one of the big kind of heavy burdens that comes with that is this realization of at least for me it was this overwhelming feeling of my family of five will probably never live together in the same capacity that we have for the last 18 years before you're sending them off, that that kind of dynamic is probably over, and so never would I have guessed that we would be so fortunate to be able to have Maddie coming back home for one year.
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: It's very exciting for her as well.
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: When she left, her brother was only 10 years old, and a 10-year-old brother is a very different animal than a 14, 15-year-old brother that he is now, and so she is so excited too just to be able to come home and live here for the next year with her sister, who's 20, and her brother, who is now 15.
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: And just to be able to experience life together at this stage of life.
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: They're all really excited, and watching them be so excited is making me and Jed so excited as well, just to have kind of this bonus year that I did not ever anticipate we would have, of the five of us living together and just lots of fun conversations about the plans for the year.
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: Really, I feel like it's five adults living here.
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: Obviously, landon is still very much a teen but he is acting more and more like an adult and so it's just a fun dynamic of less of the day-to-day parenting.
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: It's kind of more of a coaching and mentoring role and just really encouraging our kids in the big things that they're chasing after and so really excited about this next season for our family.
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: We've been doing a lot of rearranging here at the house.
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: The girls are actually going to be rooming together.
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: They're sharing a room, kind of dorm style.
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: I know we talked about that a couple of weeks ago on the podcast.
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: I'm actually sitting in the new study room.
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: We painted Maddie's old bedroom a bright white.
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: It has beautiful windows facing the front of the house and have a great leather couch in here for studying and a couple of desks and, man, I'm starting to fall in love with this space.
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: So this might be the study room now for all of the family.
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: But I find myself in here today recording the podcast because it just feels happy and cheery and it's so fun for me to listen to just the kids talk about the different things that they're going to be doing together.
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: Maddie is graduating with a kinesiology degree and is talking about writing exercise plans for our family and just recently came to us with a suggestion.
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: She just said hey, I think family dinners are going to be really hard in this next year because she's going to be working a full-time job.
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: Olivia is going to full-time nursing school, has a crazy schedule, is also working as a CNA at the hospital to have her tuition paid for.
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: Landon is in his own sports and school.
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: Jed travels a lot for work.
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: Life is just busy.
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: And she just said man, I'm worried that it's going to be really hard for us to have a lot of family dinners just with coming and going.
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: Maddie's also going to be coaching high school girls basketball.
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: And she said what if we got up early and we all worked out together in our home gym and instead of having dinners together, we really focused on having breakfast together to start out our day?
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: And so just a fun thing that we're going to be trying to kind of rearrange that time that we get to spend together just with the reality of schedules and starting our days early, with our own little personal trainer Madison, working us out and then having family breakfast together before the days get crazy, and so I am just leaning into this new season that's coming for our family.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: I feel like God is preparing my heart just to be able to serve the kids and Jed in a different capacity than maybe in years past, and just to be able to serve the kids and Jed in a different capacity than maybe in years past and just to be able to provide support through good, healthy meals and nutrition.
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: I feel like everybody has such big health goals and physical goals right now and just feel like this is a season just for me to come along and support these amazing humans in all of these big things that they're chasing after, and really just asking God to allow me to do it with a spirit of joy and a heart that is excited to serve, and just that the dynamics would be a really fun year for us together as the Smith tribe here the five of us this next year, and so, in thinking through today's podcast and just wanting to reflect back on the four years of college and what that has looked like and offer some encouragement really to parents that right now are walking into this stage of sending their kids off to school.
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: I know we've talked about it several different times on the podcast just how different and difficult the dynamics can be as you're preparing to send your kid off, specifically in those last handful of months as they're coming in their senior year.
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: All those final things, the programs, the actual graduation, the graduation parties, the last soccer games and basketball games, the last musical performances, the senior skip day I mean just all of the different things that go into those last months of this season that is very trying, I would say.
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: As a parent, I can honestly say, without trying to be dramatic at all, that dropping off Madison at college was probably the single hardest thing that I have ever had to do as a parent.
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: And some parents might have walked through this and said, oh my gosh, you're being so crazy or that's so dramatic.
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: And I know that everybody's journey is a little bit different and there's no guilt or shame in whatever way.
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: It was for you If you were like, dear Lord, here is my child, I'm dropping them off and I'm going to celebrate and have a cocktail, that's totally great If that's how you are walking into this season.
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: And then for those of you that feel like a little bit like you're going to crumble and you're not sure how you're going to maintain.
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: There's no shame in that either and that's totally okay.
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: I know for me.
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: I was able to express to my husband that I think one of the reasons that the actual drop off was so hard I mean there's all of the anticipatory anxiety over all of the things that are coming that I just feel like is months and months.
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: It's torture.
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: It's almost like once you get there and you have to leave them and the bandaid is ripped off, then you can actually begin to start to heal.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: It's the months and months leading up to it that can be so draining and so exhausting and there's so many different emotions that go into it.
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: I told my husband when we were driving home from leaving her at college all five of us had gone and we spent the weekend and got the apartment set up.
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: And you've done the target run and you've done the grocery run, you've done all the different things and then it comes down to that inevitable moment when it is time to turn and leave.
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: And you know, you can sense that your kid has a little bit of fear and sadness and it's dawning on them how difficult and just challenging this season is going to be for them as well.
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: They're leaving everything they know, everything is new for them.
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: You're walking away and leaving a piece of your heart behind and trying to navigate in your own mind what that's going to look like and how things are going to look back home, just with the dynamics of family, of being one child down or whatever number you're on down, and to get to that point that you need to say goodbye and you're turning to leave and you know that your child is afraid, your child is scared, you're afraid, you're scared, and yet you have to continue to walk away and everything in your parenting mom DNA wants to turn and go back and say I've got you, I'm staying with you, don't worry, we're in this together.
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: And instead you have to leave and walk one way, your heart breaking, leaving a huge part of your heart behind you, which you know is breaking, because it's what you have to do.
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: And that moment was difficult.
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: I'll never forget putting my sunglasses on as I walked through the campus.
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: We left her in her dorm and literally just sobbing on my way to the car.
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: The kids were sobbing, jed was crying, we knew Maddie was crying and then just having to navigate.
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: The next couple of days were pretty darn difficult.
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: I remember getting home and there's different people that say different things.
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: Some people say do not go into their bedrooms, give it a couple of days.
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: Other people are like walk home, go right into their bedroom, go right in there and just do your thing, lay on their bed, cry it out, and that is what I chose to do.
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: I came home, I went right into her room, I stood in the doorway, I sobbed my little eyeballs out.
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: Then I went back to the back porch and sat outside in the sun and cried and cried.
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: My sister actually came and brought dinner for our family and it was just a couple days of just really trying to figure out a new normal.
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: A couple days after Maddie had left our son Landon, who was only 10 at the time we asked him to set the table for dinner and all kind of going about our way.
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: And we went to go sit down to have dinner and noticed that he had set five places at the table and he just started sobbing and he was like oh my goodness, I set one for Maddie.
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: I miss her so much.
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: Just all of these different things that are just these adjustment periods that you have to go through.
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: But I can honestly say looking back, that although it was the hardest thing we've ever done, that it is beautiful and I always sense that day of being able to experience what that emotion truly is.
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: I can say, until you've walked it, you can't understand it.
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: It is excruciatingly beautiful and that's how I always describe it to people who are walking through it.
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: It's the only time in my parenting that I can really remember saying excruciating pain and unbelievable beauty sitting right against each other.
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: I just can't think of another time where it has been those two emotions happening simultaneously.
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: And it's because you've worked so hard for everything that's happening and it's what you've always dreamed for your kids.
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: And yet so much pain because you're closing a major, major chapter and you have given 18 years of your life, blood, sweat and tears into growing these humans and them needing you and being in your home, to all of a sudden that not being your reality.
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: So to all of you mamas that are in this senior season, these lasts, I just want you to know that I see you and you are not crazy.
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: The tears are okay.
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: Children just want you to know that I see you and you are not crazy.
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: The tears are okay.
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: Children, be kind to your parent, love them, give them extra hugs and remind them how much you appreciate them and all that they've done for you, the sacrifice for the last 18 years to get you to this place, that you're ready to take off and explore and spread your wings and mama's no guilt about this, and I know that it can be this really interesting time of loss and then also really trying to balance that with.
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: I don't want my kid to think that I'm not going to be able to live without them.
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: That is an unbelievable amount of pressure.
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: I never want my kids to think that when they go and leave home and they're spreading their home and they're spreading their wings and they're chasing their dreams, that somehow mom is back at home dying a slow death.
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: I never wanted that to be a weight that my kids carried.
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: And so it's this fine balance of man.
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: I'm really struggling, but I am so, so excited, not only for what's ahead for you in these next beautiful chapters, but what's ahead for your siblings, what's ahead for those of us that are staying home For me, as my kids are getting older and I'm able to take on new passions and explore new parts of my own identity, letting them know that although we're sad they're leaving, we're not sad about them going and spreading their wings, and that we are going to all be okay.
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: We're all going to find a new normal in this next chapter.
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: This morning I was kind of thinking through as a parent.
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: I actually was just going through a bunch of our old scrapbooks.
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: I had taken a bunch of them apart to have some digital images made and was putting all their old scrapbooks back together of the kids and seeing just them as such little girls and just walking through all these different stages.
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: It kind of made me stop and think about all of the different times as parents that we are slowly going through, the slow breakup, if you will I hate to call it a breakup because a breakup sounds negative but this slow letting go of, even as early as the first time you leave your baby with a babysitter and you're like, oh my gosh, I'm leaving them and you're constantly texting the babysitter to make sure they're okay, and then it's that first day of school and just that agony of the normal of us being together seven days a week, 24 seven, that slow separation and worrying about how they're doing and all their friends being kind.
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: Are they making new friends?
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: Are they able to adapt into that social setting?
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: Then you have the first overnights, or the first big field trip, when they go to Washington on the school bus with the chaperones and they're driving cross-country, or they're getting on a flight by themselves and just having to navigate through that.
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: Or the first time they drive away with their license and they get in a car and they leave on their own without you and just how foreign that feels and that adjustment process.
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: And then this really big kind of finale of them leaving for college.
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: And so it is these small little preparations that maybe mamas of littles right now you don't realize that part of what you're going through is this training and this honing for you to be able to get to the place when they're 18, that if they go off to college you are equipped to send them and to navigate that with them after all of these little slow releases throughout the last 18 years.
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: And so just kind of thinking through how quickly I will say that I think every year that my kids get older goes faster than the year before, and I don't know how that happens.
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: I literally feel like this school year just started and here we are already in those last weeks of wrapping everything up.
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: And so the older they get, just the faster time goes and the days don't feel as long as they used to.
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: Before you know it, those four years that you've been staring down with a lot of fear and reservation will be here and they'll be gone.
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: So I'll also say that for those of you that are sending your kiddos off for the first time, year one is definitely the hardest Band-Aid rip.
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: There were tears sophomore and junior and senior year but it's a totally different kind of letting go going to be okay, they're going to navigate it okay, they're going to make good friends, they're going to find their community.
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: That is not there that first year, and so that first year feels very, very overwhelming, and each year it does get a little bit easier.
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: But a couple of things that I jotted down that I thought, man, these were just really, really good things that came out of the last four years that were so important for our kids to navigate through, again, having no idea that Maddie would be coming back home and we'd get this awesome bonus year of being together as a family of five, maybe for the last time ever.
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: This year I guess I'm learning never to say never, because I would have said that four years ago and jokes on me because we're getting this beautiful kind of season finale here with our family all together.
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: One of the things that I just am so grateful for in watching Maddie over the last four years is the realization that our kids need to get out from underneath our wings to be able to go and grow and to really spread their wings completely.
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: They need to be away from that safety net of mom and dad are always going to be right here and I know not every single kid is going to go away to college and some of those things are going to happen when they're maybe living in town or maybe even still in your house.
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: But for different personalities there does need to be just that letting go and getting far enough away that they have to kind of step into their own.
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: And Maddie, for us, was a little bit more of a timid high schooler.
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: She was a little bit more quiet and reserved, and just to be able to look at her and to watch what her growth has been in the last four years blows my mind.
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: Her coach and I have talked a little bit about it as well.
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: Just the way that she has blossomed from a little bit of a timid follower to a very strong, vocal leader, somebody who's not afraid to stand up I mean just a little example of Madison had never, growing up at home, been one that loved to pray out loud, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: Obviously we want our kids to feel comfortable praying.
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: Maddie was just not one that found comfort in praying out loud, even if it was just the meals.
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: Praying for a dinner, that was difficult for her and I never felt like we wanted to push that on her.
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: We would still ask her like, hey, would you please pray for dinner?
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: Never would make it any big deal, but even just something like that watching her go and be a part of a team and to towards the end of her sophomore and then very much so into her junior and completely in her senior year, watch her have a leadership role in her basketball team or around her RA peers where she is leading Bible studies and is praying for the team or praying over injured players during a game and is taking the lead and feels comfortable.
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: The lead and feels comfortable and just sometimes how having to get out number one to have other people who are not their parents to really encourage them and mentor them and speak life into them, let them kind of come into their own outside of the oversight of their parents, I think is super powerful.
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: I think having to learn to make decisions where they have to be okay with the consequences Mom and dad are not there to help, to bail out, to go have the conversation with the professor or the coach and having to navigate through some of those things, having to make decisions on their own on how they're going to spend their time and what they're going to do, and those things a lot of times just won't happen under the roof of your own home.
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: And so just seeing the growth that's there, especially when there's just unbelievable mentorship around them, and how they're able just in those 18 to 21-ish years, 22 years old, really just to start to come into their own and transform from children into young adults, has been super, super cool to watch and something that I don't think would have happened had Maddie stayed here at home.
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: Another really cool thing that we have been able to experience as a family is the change in sibling dynamics, and I think sometimes you have to leave home to really truly understand what you have in your family, the different things that maybe are really easy to take advantage of.
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: I think when you are around it maybe you don't understand what you have until you're a little bit removed and so being able to move outside of just the normal day-to-day with your family, there's a couple of different times where Madison called home and so being able to move outside of just the normal day-to-day with your family.
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: There's a couple of different times where Madison called home and once where I remember she was really crying and she just said I guess I never totally understood how fortunate we are that you and dad have stayed married and that I love my siblings and my siblings love me, and you have to sometimes get out in the real world to understand that the things that we can take for granted are sometimes the very most prized things that we have in our life, and so it's been really cool for us to watch the dynamics change.
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: Like I said, when she left Landon was only a 10, 11-year-old little boy and just how now that playing field has kind of leveled out.
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: They're all kind of young adults Obviously Landon is not quite yet, but having two older sisters he seems to act more like a young adult and just how much fun they're having as siblings.
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: How the dynamics change, how when you have an older and a younger sister, when the older sister leaves it gives space for that middle child, for us another daughter, to step up and kind of take that leadership role.
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: To have that older sister role here in the home is really cool to see.
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: It's interesting to see how dynamics just change and how relationships grow when there's three kids right, it's an odd number and that can be more difficult but when you are left with just two at home that are really fending for each other and are navigating the loss of a sibling, moving out together, how it draws them closer.
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: It has just been a really really cool dynamic to watch.
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: It did not make any of the relationships weaker when Madison left.
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: I think it made all of the relationships stronger and really made them appreciate each other in a way that I don't think they would have had Maddie not left for college like she did, and so that has been really really cool as well, and I know this kind of plays in, I think.
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: The other thing, the last thing that I'll point out that I really was able to see for myself, was that in every single stage that we walk through in parenting there are really hard stages of it and right there with it are really beautiful stages.
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: It kind of goes back to that excruciatingly beautiful and I can yes, I've already said over and over, the hardest thing I've ever done was leaving her at school, but also one of the most beautiful stages of being her parent has been through this stage Just the way that our relationship has grown, how it's changed, how we've had to navigate again these different seasons.
• 27:16
  Speaker 2: And I would so recommend, if you're walking in this and you're not sure how to kind of navigate this season, the parenting book by Andy Stanley and his wife that talks through the four different stages of parenting and in this final stage now you're no longer the rule driver, you're now becoming more of the friend, more of the coach and the mentor, and just a really beautiful stage that comes along with the hard stage of them actually leaving.
• 27:46
  Speaker 2: And I'm so grateful to have navigated these last four years.
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: It has been like I said so, so fast, it has gone so fast, but so many wonderful memories of traveling to campus and the basketball games and just watching them learn and grow and spread their wings and try new things and make new friends and find so much passion in the careers that they're pursuing has just been absolutely exhilarating for me as a mom.
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: And so for those of you that are walking into this stage, I just want you to know yes, it's the hardest thing you're doing and yes, it's going to be absolutely beautiful.
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: And each day the new normal is going to get a little bit easier and easier.
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: Your family at home will start to settle into a new normal and there are some difficult road bumps that come with then reintegrating that other sibling back in over the summers or over breaks as they've started to become independent and now they're forced back into a home where there's other people.
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: But navigating all of that is so wonderful for your family and it just continues to develop.
• 28:55
  Speaker 2: So many opportunities, wonderful elements in the relationship for both the siblings and for you and them as your children.
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: And so a couple of unsolicited tips that I'm going to give you that I just kind of thought back on.
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: If there were a couple of things that I think that worked well for us, I'm just going to share those with you.
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: Take them, leave them whatever you want.
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: But number one is I always wanted to give Madison permission to check in whenever she wanted to check in.
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: I didn't want to be the mom that was constantly calling or overbearing, and so I kind of have let her for the last four years, lead that relationship as far as reaching out on the phone.
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: Obviously there's times where I call her because I want to chat with her about something, but really giving her permission to find a rhythm and times in her day where she wants to block out time to catch me up or to run things by me and very quickly into her leaving.
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: Did she find that routine?
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: We actually have been laughing the last couple of weeks because we haven't talked that much, because what worked for her, what she really found as a place of comfort, was almost every single day when she walked out of basketball practice at between five and six my phone would ring and it would be Maddie driving back to her apartment from practice and I would get the rundown of the day.
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: My kids made fun of me, but when she left I changed her ringer to be a different ringer than anybody else.
• 30:28
  Speaker 2: And it's not because I love her more, it's not because her phone call is more important to me than anybody else in my family, but I knew at this stage in her life she has a lot going on and I want to do everything in my power to answer the phone when she calls me, because I know that the times are limited when I'll be able to connect with her just because of her schedule.
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: And so when I heard her ringer I would do whatever I could to get to that phone and I would say four out of five days I was able to answer and have that conversation with her as she was driving back to her apartment.
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: And now that basketball has been done and she's not doing practice as a senior, we have laughed because that part of her day is no longer our routine.
• 31:11
  Speaker 2: But your child will find that time.
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: I never wanted my child to feel guilty.
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: I never wanted it to be.
• 31:18
  Speaker 2: Why haven't you called me?
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: It's been so many days.
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: There were times when she would apologize and I would just say girl, you never have to apologize for not calling.
• 31:28
  Speaker 2: I know you're busy.
• 31:28
  Speaker 2: Every time you call.
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: It's a highlight for me and I love it and I'll soak it all up, but you don't ever have to apologize.
• 31:33
  Speaker 2: You're living a really exciting state of life right now and I'll take any time I can get, but it's not something where I'm at home keeping score.
• 31:43
  Speaker 2: I'm not building a grudge if you're not reaching out to me, and I just think that was really important, just to give them that freedom to figure it out and to find a rhythm that works Right.
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: Along with that, though, I will say that there are so many times when I am going throughout my day and I'm thinking about Madison or something pops in my head and I am a firm believer not just with your children, who are at college, but any of your family members, your friends, your co-workers that anytime that something pops in your mind and you're thinking of them, instead of keeping that to yourself, just sending a quick text, and so whether it would be that I saw something on Instagram that made me think of them sending that quick reel or whatever, and just saying, hey, sugar, this made me think of you.
• 32:32
  Speaker 2: I love you so much.
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: Hope you're having a great day or if you knew that they were walking into a week of a lot of big exams or hard conversations or stressful things with a sport.
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: Just as you're thinking about them and praying for them to just send a text.
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: I love you, I'm thinking of you right now.
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: You've got this.
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: You've worked so hard, you're ready.
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: Dad and I are so proud of you.
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: Just a quick one-liner, not an asking them to call you.
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: Not, you have to check in.
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: Just I love you, I'm thinking of you and occasionally following that up with just dropping something in the mail.
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: There were times when in conversations I would hear something in the conversation and I was like, oh, you know what would really encourage her based on that conversation and if I had thought of something, I would jump in my Amazon cart and real quickly send that item to her.
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: Maybe it was something that would make studying easier, or a special food, or a gift card.
• 33:28
  Speaker 2: Or sending a Starbucks gift card and saying, hey, go get coffee on me today.
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: I know you've had a really hard day.
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: Just those little ways that you can let them know we love you, we're thinking about you.
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: You're not in our house right now, but you are still such a huge part of our day to day and we really care for you and value our relationship with you.
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: So I think that's really important too is just when you think about them, send them that little encouraging note text or a little special something to show up on campus.
• 33:56
  Speaker 2: And then I think the third one, and possibly the most important one, is it is really easy, as you know.
• 34:01
  Speaker 2: I think the third one, and possibly the most important one, is it is really easy.
• 34:03
  Speaker 2: As you know, I think every kid is different, because not every kid is going to process everything out loud.
• 34:08
  Speaker 2: Maddie is one that does definitely process out loud with me, and getting to this stage in life where you have to go there processing and my job is not to over parent or to try to tell them I think they should be doing it differently it is to have very open ears to listen to, maybe ask some leading questions to try to help them think through things differently.
• 34:32
  Speaker 2: But ultimately, your kids are going to react to things.
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: They're going to respond to things in a way that's very different than maybe you think they should in some areas as they navigate this stage of life.
• 34:45
  Speaker 2: And I had to get to the point where there was a couple of times where I was like oh my goodness, I do not agree with how they're seeing this through, and having to get to the point that I could say to myself okay, nikki, you're processing this through the eyes of a 44, 45, 46, 47-year-old that has been alive for a long time.
• 35:06
  Speaker 2: Go back to your 18, 19, 20, 21-year-old self and look at this situation through the eyes of you at that age and would you be processing it differently?
• 35:19
  Speaker 2: And I think it's so easy for us as adults, who have had a lot more life than our college age students, to get frustrated sometimes when maybe they're not coming to a conclusion as quickly, maybe they're not managing their time the way that we think they should, or their finances, and to give them space to go.
• 35:38
  Speaker 2: Okay, when I was 18, I was doing the exact same thing.
• 35:42
  Speaker 2: I was processing things the same way, or actually, for me, a lot of times they're handling this a lot better than I was at their age.
• 35:50
  Speaker 2: And giving them grace not to have to process it through the eyes of your current 46-year-old wisdom, but through a young wisdom of the age that they're at, and give them space to be able to make those decisions, to maybe ask at times hey, are you wanting me to give you some feedback on something I'm hearing, or do you feel pretty much determined that this is the way you're going to go about it and then being okay as well if they say, yeah, no, I'm not looking for advice, and that can be really hard sometimes, but ultimately they are going to learn through trial and error and it is the way that we all learn and I am just so grateful that they're even having conversations with us.
• 36:33
  Speaker 2: I think if we try to over-parent and over-advise them, that eventually that communication line will probably start to shut down and I just wanted to make sure that that was not something that ever happened through Maddie's years of being at college and certainly as they continue to go about in their adult lives right To be able to really just ask, leading questions and help them try to see different perspectives, but letting them process it through the lenses of an 18-year-old, 19-year-old, 20-year-old, as they grow some of those maturity muscles and are able to fail forward and figure things out in life.
• 37:14
  Speaker 2: So, man, it has been just a super whirlwind of four years and so grateful for the growth that Maddie has had.
• 37:24
  Speaker 2: The mentorship just the most amazing.
• 37:27
  Speaker 2: I have said it before, but if we could have written on paper 20 character qualities of the mentors we would want to have in Maddie's life, her coach that she was blessed with for four years in basketball would have had every single item on that list.
• 37:44
  Speaker 2: Literally, we could not be more grateful for just an amazing godly woman who was newly married, that had two babies in the time that Maddie was on her team and just loves the Lord and loves the girls on the team, was willing to challenge Maddie and to just love her and see her in all different aspects of who she was.
• 38:05
  Speaker 2: It's just amazing how God brings these different people so many professors and dear, just faculty around them that really are part of the tribe that God uses to develop so many amazing things in our kids that he didn't have for us to do.
• 38:20
  Speaker 2: He had for other people to come around and help mold them and will continue to bring those people.
• 38:25
  Speaker 2: So I would encourage you if you have little kiddos, man, just be praying for the mentors that God's going to bring into the life of your children.
• 38:32
  Speaker 2: Pray for those godly men and women that would help grow them up and challenge them and hold them accountable and that they then in turn would become those young adults to other younger peers that they have as well Just this beautiful cycle of mentorship and of doing life together.
• 38:50
  Speaker 2: So I am thinking of all of you that are walking through this stage of sending kiddos off.
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: Whether it be for the first time, maybe it's your last one at home that you're sending off, these are super interesting stages and they're all just so beautiful.
• 39:05
  Speaker 2: God is so good in just the different seasons that he allows us to walk through life with our kids, and so it has been fun just to kind of rehash this the last couple of weeks.
• 39:18
  Speaker 2: We are so excited to be heading down in two weeks to see her walk across that stage and then watch her soar in her job that starts one week after she graduates, so she has one week to kind of catch her breath and then dive into full-time employment life, and it will be fun to have her do that here at home with us.
• 39:36
  Speaker 2: So thanks for kind of reminiscing with me.
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: I'm thinking of you all.
• 39:40
  Speaker 2: Nothing that you're feeling is wrong or bad.
• 39:43
  Speaker 2: It is all part of the process of raising these kiddos up and loving them, so so much.
• 39:49
  Speaker 2: Hard goodbyes are awesome because it means that there's a lot of love behind that goodbye.
• 39:55
  Speaker 2: So it's a good thing when your heart hurts a lot getting ready to say goodbye.
• 39:59
  Speaker 2: So thinking of you all and appreciate you being here for yet another week.
• 40:03
  Speaker 2: If you have a friend who is sending off a kiddo to college, maybe share this with them through text or on your social media channel.
• 40:09
  Speaker 2: We so appreciate every time that you share this podcast.
• 40:13
  Speaker 2: It certainly helps us build our listenership and get us out into more and more cities and countries.
• 40:19
  Speaker 2: So we appreciate you guys doing that.
• 40:21
  Speaker 2: So until next week, friends, take care.