Latest / The Rooted Family / EP 22 | How We Stayed Rooted When Our World Fell Apart (Part 1: Darla's Story)

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EP 22 | How We Stayed Rooted When Our World Fell Apart (Part 1: Darla's Story) · The Rooted Family

• Christian Cornish: Can I ask you something? When was the last time you actually felt at peace? Not just productive, not just caught up, but settled. Because most of us aren't lacking desire for a slower, deeper life, we're just stuck in the busyness that keeps us rushing right past it. As we wrap up today's episode, this really feels like the right place to pause because at this point in the story, we're sitting in the tension. We know our daughter has a serious heart condition, we've learned she'll need surgery, we've left behind the comfort of home, we've said goodbye to our kids, we moved Kayla to Denver, we watched God provide in dozens of small ways, but we still don't know how this story is gonna unfold. This episode that we are recording today is a really special one because it was exactly one year ago on this day that we walked out of Children's Hospital, Colorado, carrying our daughter, Darla, after 140 days in the hospital. There were so many moments during those 140 days when we weren't sure what the future would look like. There were days filled with fear and surgeries, setbacks. And looking back now, it's easy to see God's faithfulness because we know what happened next. But in that moment we didn't. We were simply trying to trust him one day at a time. Yeah, maybe that's where some of you are today. Maybe you're in the middle of a story that hasn't resolved yet. Maybe you're still waiting for answers. Maybe you're still praying the same prayer you've prayed a hundred times. That's why we created the Slow and Savor Society. It's a snail mail club. Yes, it comes straight to your mailbox. It's a simple, tangible way to slow down each month with a piece of art, a cozy recipe, and a letter designed to help you reconnect with what actually ⁓ God, with your family, and with your own soul. if your life has felt full, Tears and so many prayers, but there was also a God who never left us. Today isn't just the story of Darla, it's the story of how God sustained our family through the hardest season we've ever faced. our purpose today is just to give hope. If that's you, we hope this first part of our story reminds you that God is just as present in the waiting as he is in the miracle. Next week, we're going to share what happened after Darla was born. All the surgeries, the unexpected complications, the 140 days that changed our family forever. But even more than that, we'll share how we saw God sustain us in the middle of it all. but not meaningful. This is your invitation to begin again. You can learn more or join us at legacyrootsco.com slash Mel Club. And right now, if you use Code Podcast, you'll get 50 % off your first month so you can try it out. Now back to the episode. To people who are walking through suffering by showing them what God's sustaining presence looked like in our family story. And there's a difference between God rescuing us and God sustaining us. The miracle of this story isn't that everything turned out the way we wanted. The miracle is that God was faithful every step of the way. And even today, Darla still has lifelong medical needs. She has appointments, therapies. We'll see you next week. A lot of unknowns still and diagnoses to figure out. The message of this episode though is God met us there where we needed him, and he gave us enough grace for each day. He was present in the waiting. Yeah, so let's dive in. we found out about Darla in the midst of a very crazy season of our life. We had just moved cross country, a couple thousand miles from North Carolina to Colorado. We had six young, very ⁓ vibrant ⁓ wild, ⁓ wild ⁓ ⁓ I felt like we were in a season where we were just trying to it to the next day without going crazy. Especially because we moved to ⁓ just a different part of the country, but a completely different culture. ⁓ it's very small town. ⁓ so we went from, ⁓ here's lots of school opportunities to like, ⁓ ⁓ Two or three choices and we don't know how we feel about any of these because some of them are setups and forms of school we've like never heard of before. Yeah, and so then it was like, let's throw in homeschooling. That's a good idea. So that that was a lot. And yeah, we just had faced different challenges than we've ever faced before out here. there's just all these different that we had to adapt to and we were in the midst of ⁓ all of that while trying to navigate this news like, ⁓ we're pregnant unexpectedly. Yeah. And just to back up for just a moment, we had been trying to be more mindful of our childbearing days. ⁓ I don't know how to put it so that it's ⁓ good young listening ears. ⁓ But I do to give you a little peek into kind of what we are thinking about as far as like ⁓ family planning. ⁓ And we obviously have a lot of kids. And so we have been very limited with our family planning. We've really had the mindset of just absolutely trusting the Lord with our children in our childbearing years. And we very much feel like the Lord gives discernment to every family on how many children he would like them to have and wisdom around that. ⁓ And we feeling we like because we were at capacity. ⁓ With moving and having six children and my body, like I have very, very tough pregnancies where I am sick almost the entire pregnancy. We just knew it wasn't gonna be a healthy season to ⁓ another child. And so we were just intentionally family planning with just natural ⁓ planning means, if you know what I mean. we were tracking and being intentional on when to ⁓ be and when to not be intimate. basically, according to my calendar, it was like almost a zero percent chance I could get pregnant when we got with Darla. Yeah, it's just a miraculous ⁓ conception. Yeah. ⁓ And you know, that's fine. There's nothing prescriptive here. Like just sharing we handle things. We'd zero judgment for how anyone else chooses to handle these things in their life. it something we were asking for. It wasn't something we were trying, like you said. And so we really looked at it as, you know, the Lord has ⁓ Darla ⁓ in a sovereign hand that we can't control. Yeah. we've always kind of felt that way. we just know that Anything we try to do is our way of limiting control, but there's nothing that says God can't intervene. And so to us the Lord has truly intervened and wanted her in our life and wanted her to be a part of our family. ⁓ And in a moment when we were trying to control things, I guess. ⁓ he just kind of said, Nope, absolutely controlled, don't forget that. So But it's kind of funny that you say that. Cause yeah, like one of the very few moments in our marriage where we're like, let's be a little bit more mindful about this. And we were being pretty strict in our mindfulness. He completely just blew that plan out of the water. And he's like, I want you to have Darla. And it really does show how he ordained her life. With going on too, we've been talking about how we moved to this new We were adapting. ⁓ And one of the things that's really hard here compared to where we've lived in past too is medical care. Yeah. I mean, we hadn't had time to even learn about what that looked like yet. And there's ⁓ just one place to get an ultrasound in town that's really not very detailed. were just kind of feeling like we had to figure out all these new things ⁓ at this time. And with my ⁓ age, ⁓ it's so funny me the moment you are over 35 and pregnant, they label you as geriatric pregnancy. ⁓ Like ⁓ it is shocking, honestly. like, still young. How is this even possible? But ⁓ I guess according to doctors, there's more risk involved with being an older pregnant woman. And so I couldn't just get a typical ultrasound done. I had to go to Farmington, New Mexico, like you said, is an hour and a half away to get the more detailed anatomy scan. And up until that point, so this is up to 20 weeks, I was sicker than a dog. I've had hard pregnancies with hyperemes graviderum, it's like a medical condition where you're puking like crazy and ⁓ so much that your bed ridden for months and months and you to get fluids and All the things and you know, poor Chris over here, he has to really hold up the fort during all of that time because I I really just can't do anything. Like I'm so nauseous, ⁓ pukey, ⁓ that's how her pregnancy was. So it wasn't anything out of the ordinary at this point for Darla's pregnancy. ⁓ But did go get the anatomy ultrasound. Well, actually you had to go by yourself. Because like you mentioned earlier, sometimes I have to hold down the fort and taking six kids to an ultrasound room sounds like a terrible idea. Yeah, actually they didn't even let you. They said nope. Fantastic. You can't bring kids to this. And we were new in our town. We at this point didn't really know anyone. So no one could watch our kids for us. So really the only option was, okay, I guess I'm gonna go to this anatomy scan, which I've had healthy anatomy scans, praise God, for ⁓ the rest of my There has been one where we had some questions with Brave, those were earlier than the ⁓ scanned. Right. So it was like I didn't have ⁓ reason to believe that this one would be different. Mm-hmm. It was kind of a hard decision because I when you're there. I love when you get to see ⁓ The baby at 20 weeks, because you see so many beautiful parts of the baby that you haven't been able to see up to this point. So for me, I remember driving away from Pagosa that morning and feeling very disappointed that you couldn't be there at the ultrasound. I think it was the first anatomy scan that you have not been able to attend. And so I went ⁓ alone that day to ⁓ it was in the middle of the ultrasound that it started to take longer than I remembered. ⁓ And remembered your other ones yeah for the other babies. And she mentioned that there was something ⁓ possibly wrong with the heart she couldn't tell exactly. So wanted the doctor to come look at it. And that already was kind of weird for me because ⁓ I feel like the doctor usually just looks at the scans after they're done, you know, puts his stamp of approval, and we're on our merry way. And the doctor came in and he does his own scan of my tummy. it probably wasn't as long as what it felt, but to me, it felt like he was there for like 20 minutes just looking and looking and not saying ⁓ anything. ⁓ And ⁓ For any of you who've been in an appointment like that, you instantly know something's wrong because they're just continuously looking for something. And he said that was gonna review some of the scans and then he'd come back in the room. so I'm sitting in the the ⁓ footage is done, the ultrasound is done. what's going through your mind? As you're just waiting. Which sounds like it was quite a long wait. Yeah, because I was texting you during that time waiting even in the room for him to come back. And it was like another half hour waiting for him to come back to talk to me about the results. I remember I had this very ⁓ feeling ⁓ something was wrong. I knew that the baby was alive. So I was holding on to hope. Like, okay, the baby is alive. ⁓ just must be something, ⁓ know, with the anatomy that they're trying to figure out. But I had ⁓ idea how bad it was gonna be. And I think I was just holding out to hope that like it was just something minor and he was just assessing it. so ⁓ This really sweet doctor. He comes in the room. He kind of just reminded me of kind of like a grandpa or a dad figure. ⁓ And he takes a to ⁓ pull out a chair ⁓ and come up to like sit right next me. And ⁓ he then pulls out a piece of paper ⁓ a pen and says, ⁓ your baby has something wrong with its heart and ⁓ And I'm gonna draw it out for you. He he ⁓ he draws the heart on a piece of paper. And from the best of his awareness, like what he could tell from the ultrasound, he felt like there were three ⁓ pretty major problems with the heart. so he's drawing out a normal heart and then he draws out the baby's heart. ⁓ I'm just staring at this piece of paper thinking, ⁓ well, I've heard of heart problems before with babies that can just, you know, close up on their own or can resolve on their own. And so I'm thinking that this whole time. I'm just thinking like he's gonna tell me, you know, over time, over the next couple months, like the heart is gonna just figure itself out and we're gonna deliver a healthy baby. And so it didn't really hit me how serious it was until he then asked me where I was going to deliver the baby. And I said I was planning to deliver it, you know, in Durango, which is the closest hospital to our house. It's an hour. ⁓ Yeah, an away. So it's not even that close, And he said, no, no, you can't, you can't deliver this baby there. And I think that was the first moment it hit me, like, wait, what? ⁓ this is way bigger than I was imagining. He's like, You're gonna have to deliver this baby at the highest level hospital. Yeah. He said, I don't know the details of the baby's heart, but from what I can tell, the baby is gonna need Open heart surgery, pretty ⁓ after the baby is born. And I broke down. And you know, you're not there with me. ⁓ And it just was like ⁓ one those moments where I really felt like like everything was crashing down around me. kind of when you're in one of those moments your ears are ringing ⁓ and there's silence around you and like time just like stops. That was what that moment felt like. And I just didn't even know how I was gonna share the news with you. It just felt so heavy. Yeah, to paint a little bit of the picture. you were an hour and a half away from our home ⁓ and even there ⁓ the that we were and this doctor was doing his best, but he didn't have the best imaging To actually diagnose. He actually didn't even give you a diagnosis. He just said the three possibilities. Here's here's kind of some possibilities. There's definitely an issue that's major, and that's all he could say. And we still had to be referred to children's hospital in Denver to actually get the highest quality scans we could get. Yeah. And to get a ⁓ Diagnosis and a true treatment plan. Yeah. So even in this moment, on top of all of this, there was just more questions. Yeah. And really no answers. I remember getting in car and I you right away. ⁓ And I just told you like what I knew up to that point. But do you remember that phone call and how you were feeling or what was going through your mind when you first heard? I had a probably a different emotional experience. One, I wasn't there, so I really was not understanding the ⁓ situation and the depth of it. I remember trying to somewhat optimistic. But that's probably tends to be where I go when I hear really hard things. ⁓ And on top of I'm thinking, well, you're an hour away from me or more. ⁓ And you need to get home. And, I wanted to of course see you and spend time with you and talk through it. So I probably was trying to be overly optimistic about okay, you know, we'll figure it out or, you know, there are a bunch of possibilities. Maybe it won't be the worst one and ⁓ like you even had a in your heart when you were a baby and it was one that closed up over time. ⁓ And ⁓ although he was pretty clear that wasn't to the case there, I do remember probably a day or two later is it really, really hit me that 'cause one of the possibilities, although they he didn't think it was the most likely, was that she just wouldn't even make it. Yep. ⁓ And So I think the heaviness of that didn't actually hit me until a few days later. But in the moment I do remember trying not to go to that that place right away. ⁓ I do remember the weight of it all hitting me actually ⁓ later. ⁓ Yeah. Yeah, it is one of those things that it's almost like brain time to process ⁓ the of it. And I think that ⁓ as humans, when we're with something super difficult, it's hard for us ⁓ be in that vulnerable place recognize like the both and ⁓ like feeling the deep emotions and the grief along having faith that God is with us and that he could miraculously heal this baby or heal the situation. And sometimes I think that because we don't want to face the heaviness of the hard heart emotions or the actual reality, ⁓ want to just stay in this kind of optimistic place. But what I have found even through this whole process is the more that you and I allowed ourselves to just face the reality head on, ⁓ it healing in a way ⁓ because It was like we could feel the worst of the worst emotions or realize like worst case scenario ⁓ still realize at the end of the day there was hope in Jesus. ⁓ that dichotomy for me, something about the facing ahead on it just started to a new thing in me. Like I feel like God was doing something new in me. ⁓ So you had mentioned after this appointment, ⁓ kind of went into this unknown ⁓ period time. And I was super blessed actually by ⁓ one our friends from Asheville, North Carolina, where we had just moved from. ⁓ She had planning to come visit us in Pagosa and she arrived just a few days after this appointment. And that was so, ⁓ so good be with a dear friend ⁓ and almost with this news together. ⁓ And we did not know if Darla, we didn't know if she was a girl yet, because we chose to wait. And we also didn't know if she would make it to birth. But then we also had some other complications as the journey unfolded that really put me at high risk for delivering early. We're gonna kind of share what happened basically from this appointment to her birth ⁓ And so ⁓ we ⁓ had made a decision actually. This is the first time ⁓ in all our pregnancies we chose to the gender. before the birth. Yeah, it it was also the first time we had done any like in-depth genetic testing. we learned all this, now this is coming back to me. I remember that this doctor encouraged us to do genetic testing because Darla's specific heart condition was ⁓ correlated with babies who have Down syndrome. And so ⁓ They said hey, there's I think it was greater than 80% chance that she has downs just simply because she has this heart condition. That's how common it is amongst ⁓ those babies. And so I do remember we were like, okay, we're gonna do this. ⁓ And you had it said, let's the gender. While we do and let's name her. Yeah. So that we could pray for her, pray over her. Yeah. I shouldn't at the time it wasn't it, but praying over it. By gender though. By gender and by name, which was a very new experience for us. But this was also really fun to find out. Like we found out ⁓ just you and I, under the Christmas tree. ⁓ I remember we had one of the at the children's hospital put the gender in a little envelope for us and we went home and sat by the Christmas tree. catch up the story, at this point, we've been to the children's hospital. ⁓ We've started to get education and more scans and an idea of what ⁓ Darla's heart condition specifically was and what was gonna take to fix it. And actually the the good news in all of that was we learned that her heart condition was less severe than originally suspected. ⁓ It was still severe, still considered a rare heart condition, but there's some heart conditions Which is one of them that he had originally told us that is like life altering, like life threatening. like short life. ⁓ Yes. kind of the ⁓ idea. For like an immediate heart transplant would be required. And Darla has not had a heart transplant. ⁓ she has open heart, but not a transplant. So ⁓ I think was some good news in that. Finding out, okay, she does have a severe heart condition, she will need open heart surgery after she's born. ⁓ But it won't be immediate. It will be five to six months after she's born. And ⁓ of that felt like good news to us. Yeah. And being a risky surgery, her prognosis for the rest of her life, we were told, was, hey, if all goes well, she shouldn't be held up by her heart. Totally that she could run and play and dance and do whatever ⁓ You know, kids and adults do, and she should never notice like a serious issue, assuming the surgery went well. Yeah. So ⁓ is good news. Yeah. ⁓ And at point, which we'll share in a little bit, we had no idea that there would be ⁓ many complications to to Darla, ⁓ the ultrasounds were picking up at this point. And so ⁓ we originally started this journey, the heart being ⁓ the main focus. Yep. And ended up going into the big storm of it all with a lot other things that we never had anticipated. ⁓ And she did not have syndrome, which probably actually has only led to more confusion ⁓ of how does a child apparently is ⁓ wonderful genetically had all of complications. ⁓ That we are still unpacking to this day. Yeah. There's there's obviously a genetic issue, but we have done every genetic test you could imagine. and doctors still have no answer. And it's funny because even in her appointments today, they're still so dumbfounded that we still cannot find an answer to why she ⁓ has these different things. one thing I want to go back to actually was when ⁓ found out that Darla had the heart issue ⁓ you and I were grieving so deeply. Coming home and telling the kids, ⁓ do remember that moment? We had sat them down for breakfast the next morning and we were getting ready for school. ⁓ And I remember sharing the news with them and you and I just breaking down. ⁓ ⁓ I know the kids ⁓ also were very concerned. I think a couple of had lot of questions, but just remember that moment of like all of us coming together in prayer over the baby. ⁓ And It was probably one of the first times our kids at this age and stage saw you and I so broken ⁓ so helpless. you know, you see your parents, it's like you see strength in your parents. as kids, you think that they can do everything. ⁓ you see parents and they can figure out everything. ⁓ ⁓ literally there's we could do ⁓ to ⁓ quote unquote fix this situation. you and I were just totally at our weak point. ⁓ it was really that we let the kids into that moment and shared very vulnerably like how sad and we ⁓ and how ⁓ much of an unknown this whole thing but that were going to trust in God. Yeah. And really the special news of having another little girl and choosing to name her Darla was really the only thing we had in our control through this whole time and that went on for a while. and ⁓ you're it is interesting to think back through that time of our children having a lot of questions and us not really having answers ⁓ and trying to come with a plan they really did watch us through that whole time. ⁓ we had that special moment of you and I, revealing her name or her gender, which ⁓ you know, I think we had the name kind of picked out already if it was gonna be a girl. So we were excited about that and then getting to share that with them. Well, and the cool part about Darla is I remember after Lila was born, our number six baby, I don't even know how we thought of the name Darla, but like shortly after we after Lila was born. I remember us joking about how Lila needed a Darla. And that was kind of a fun thing that we were like, if we have another baby, it's a girl, it's gonna be Darla, because Lila needs a Darla. And ⁓ just think back to how prophetic that was. how sweet to think Lila needed a Darla, but Darla also needs a Lila. And just how they're buddies is just the sweetest today. ⁓ Yeah, it And then we we researched Darla's name and we learned that Darla means beloved. in scripture, it's a about how are God's beloved. And we wanted Darla to always know that no matter ⁓ what is wrong in her body or what complications or things she's facing, ⁓ that she is beloved. ⁓ ⁓ the Lord knit exactly way he wanted her to be. and so that is why we her name Darla. It has multiple, ⁓ multiple meanings to it. ⁓ And this time frame, we also started that wall. where we had our kids start to write on pieces of paper and draw on them or whatever they wanted, but put up prayer walls of prayer requests and things that we were thankful for. I because time, you know, it was prayers for Darla and her healing. ⁓ And at this we also knew you were going to have to leave ⁓ and you were to have to go to Denver. early because we lived ⁓ a mountain town. I mean driving through the mountains to deliver and be in labor is just impossible. Well and the risk of me delivering early ⁓ became high of your complications. And we're like six hours ⁓ away from Denver. So really was no ⁓ way we were gonna be able to make it to the children's hospital in time to deliver her, even if I went into normal natural labor. ⁓ Yeah. So prayers on the wall were about your safety, about the baby coming, about you coming home because they didn't want to be without you. Yeah. And I remember that time, we even started checking the weather, like, okay, when is actually a good safe time to drive? Because, you know, we just weren't ready. ⁓ For mountain driving. there's just always layers involved. And praise God. mean, ⁓ it was like every ⁓ that we made it the pregnancy, like further along, it was such a celebration. ⁓ You and I made trips to Denver to get more anatomy scans and to work with the team at children's, ⁓ which is a phenomenal We have received the most excellent care from them. ⁓ And ⁓ We realized ⁓ closer to the early thirties that the doctor wanted me ⁓ to move Denver about four weeks before he was gonna induce me. ⁓ And ⁓ wanted induce me no later than 37 weeks. ⁓ So ⁓ realized okay, we need to get an Airbnb. We need to get all of our ducks in order for mom to leave for four weeks. ⁓ Or and more, knowing that Darla was gonna be in the hospital for a while. And it was a lot. I mean, I'm super pregnant. And ⁓ you are gonna be home with children a single dad for who knows how long. We had so ⁓ many things to think about. Yeah, we had all this to think about. And there was another complication that came up in this time We just learned that there was something wrong in her intestines. they actually didn't even find clarity on it until ⁓ after she was born. her pancreas had wrapped around her intestines. And so they were squeezed shut. Yeah. And they could tell something was wrong with her GI track, this this part, but they didn't know what it was gonna be. So originally we were like, ⁓ great, we're gonna have the baby. Yeah, she needs open heart surgery, but we'll get to go home, we'll get to be home as a family for five or six months, and then we'll take her back and we'll have surgery. And then as the pregnancy came closer, they discovered this other And it was like, ⁓ you're not coming home. Yep. She needs immediate surgery because basically nothing could pass through her intestines. they also said to expect us to be the NICU after birth for about six weeks. ⁓ And we thought that was a very long time. We're like, ⁓ my goodness. So now we're talking like a 10-week planned ordeal of you going early, then delivering Darla, she having surgery, and her recovering and staying in the NICU for hopefully six weeks. Yep. And obviously, as we said, we were there 140 days. So that didn't exactly happen. So six weeks would have been forty-two days. We were in the hospital for a hundred more days than expected. So all that to say is that this is just a layer to the story of, you know, we would get news, think, ⁓ this is gonna take hopefully just X amount of time. And it it always turned out to be some additional layer. It was so beautiful to me, as we were prepping through all the details, we started a meal train and you know, we're just just few months into living in our town of Pagosa. ⁓ it was so seeing the community show up for us. I mean, ⁓ there were people up for that meal train that we had never met before, that we did not know personally. ⁓ I I swear were I don't know, 40 ⁓ people who ⁓ showed up you and the ⁓ And they did it again and again. Like this meal train went on for so long. And then there were repeat providers. It was so it was really amazing because you know, you leaving was it was like a huge seismic shift for all of us. And I still needed to work full time to, you know, take care of us. And we had two kids homeschooling. And we did. We had two kids homeschooling. we had two kids at that time who were home all the time. And so we needed to figure out a new child care situation. ⁓ for me thinking about a provider standpoint, it was like, Okay, you're leaving, our expenses are about to go up ⁓ a lot 'cause there's ⁓ now new line items that were never having be there before. I'm to do ⁓ all the cooking and everything on top of it. Driving. Yes. Homework, homeschooling. And, you know, go to work and try to lead on top of all this and do my own work and you know, trying to maintain normalcy for our children as much as you possibly can in this kind of situation. And was really heavy. it required an adjustment And thankfully by the grace of God, I was able to find ⁓ the rhythm quickly that would help sustain me through that. Like, you know, what would it look like getting up every day? I would work for a while actually every morning before the chaos, ⁓ getting some workouts in ⁓ trying to just have regular schedule and not be all over the place all the time so my mind didn't go too crazy. Yeah. ⁓ And yeah, all the people showing up was a huge help. we able to make it through just kind of going a day by day. Yep. You know, through this time frame. And I still maintained our meal planning rhythm. And so from Denver, I was able to still plan the meals around the meal train. ⁓ And ⁓ you then execute it. So I would place the grocery ⁓ then you'd pick it up. So ⁓ I think it's proof that when you have rhythms in place before ⁓ life gets really hard, rhythms you can continue to sustain. They will sustain you ⁓ during those hard seasons. ⁓ they really did. And of them I simplified, some of them I changed. Like I still had to do laundry. that doesn't change. Maybe when I did the laundry changed throughout the week and then what day I chose to do certain things like folding on, yeah, you know, might have had to change throughout the week. But in general, I still I knew what had to continue ⁓ or what I could modify. it did really help because the daily stress, ⁓ mean, yeah, it built up eventually. I would get exhausted and overtired. But somehow, ⁓ know, I think the Lord provided. I kind of kind of to the knowing of like, okay, about two to three weeks was my absolute max of being alone and to keep my sanity. but then either someone like my parents would show up or your parents would show up or our friends would show up from Asheville and stay for a little bit. Yeah. Or you would come home, you know, after Darla was in the NICU and some of the other stuff was was going on. you know, somehow I'd come see you or you'd come see us. we found a way through that season in terms of sustaining me. I kind of learned what I could and couldn't do. I learned what my limits were and were not. ⁓ And, the Lord provided, ⁓ fill in all those gaps. that a true, ⁓ a true special. ⁓ miracle to watch him provide through that and and really sustain us through it. I mean miracle is the right word for sure. I still I don't know how you did it. if it was me in your shoes, ⁓ taking care of the six by myself, working full time, trying to homeschool and cook and clean and literally do all the things you do, I from my perspective, I think I would have ⁓ literally lost my mind. Like I would have gone crazy. I mean, you leaving for a work trip for one or two nights, it puts me over the edge. ⁓ I'm I have so ⁓ much respect single parents who do this as their life. And when you leave for two nights, I'm like, nope, don't do it again. ⁓ And you had to it for ⁓ months. Literally. Months upon months without any true end in sight. Yeah, it was and that was what made some of it difficult was these ⁓ arising and it just was like adding more time. Uh-huh. ⁓ I have to just keep going. I think there's something to like you don't know this if you haven't been through it. But everybody goes through suffering. So I think you will come to this point. Like you've gotta move forward. there's no point in complaining at some point. Like you had you're just gonna move forward. Like ⁓ and when it's your for your child, you'd love them. you're going to do whatever you have do. Yeah. It's not really even a question. Yeah. ⁓ So ⁓ Yeah, you just you do it. ⁓ I have a better way to say it. Yeah. but when you're in that moment and it's for your child, you're you're going to do it. Yeah. ⁓ And what I think is so admirable about How you handled it is you still clung to the things that were healthy. I think a lot of people in your shoes could have thrown exercise out the door, or maybe thrown themselves into an addiction, maybe drank away their emotions, or went to pornography or gambling ⁓ a way to escape. And yet you, I felt like. ⁓ you took the high road. Like okay, what's the next right step for me to take? And you just never gave up. ⁓ And I say miracle, I mean it truly by the Lord's grace, he did sustain you. And it was ⁓ so to watch. I mean, ⁓ most when we talked on the phone, I mean, there were definitely days where you were feeling the stress for sure. ⁓ But days, I mean, you assured me that the kids were ⁓ being so helpful and that you had it taken care of at the house. And I mean you for the most part did not put your like you didn't burden me with what was happening at home. you actually showed up with gratitude and joy and positivity. not in a fake way. I think you genuinely just carry a joy and it ⁓ it was exemplified in this situation. ⁓ who you are, your joy that you carry on a daily basis, even outside of pain. ⁓ it was in this time. Yeah. Thank you. It means a lot. And I think in this time, even though it's kind of sad to say, there was almost like a a ⁓ You were gone so long there was almost a new normal. Yeah. I see that. it did that we could settle into a normal. Yeah. It wasn't like there were some up and downs and there were you know, in one moment of the story after she's born, after she's in the NICU, you know, she did go ⁓ Septic. Yeah, she didn't. And I was here. I was here. Yeah. And thankfully, I know this is just one of God's graces was my family, my parents were here helping that time frame. So I literally could leave. Like I got in the car that night and drove all the way up. Yeah. And so that was a gift. And in that really awful moment that I didn't have kids to figure out. I could literally just leave. that would not have been true, you know, 75% ⁓ the time or more. So that was really good that the Lord was just gracious in these moments ⁓ ⁓ really hard things for us. Yeah. ⁓ I'm curious from your standpoint because I see something very similar in you. Like you ⁓ were in a hospital 140 days, ⁓ like practically living there. And then in and out of the hospital for four weeks before then. Yeah. So, you know, I'd love to hear your perspective. Because at least I was home. I had, our regular home to go home to. I familiar faces. ⁓ I had, ⁓ you know, some consistency of normalcy. But, you know, I think you You really didn't have that. Yeah. And so I'd love to hear from you. Like what what did develop for you? What rhythms did you have? What what changed for you? Like how did you make it through? Because at least I had some regular comforts to to get by. Yeah. it was such an interesting situation for me because, you know, when I first got to Denver, I was in this Airbnb for four weeks. And I was super pregnant. I a condition where the amniotic fluid built up way more it's like it was a dangerous level. I had to get it drained multiple times. Between moving to Denver and giving birth. And so also to say I'm this limited you physically. Yeah, and that's I think that's why I bring it up is that I went They didn't move. Yes. I felt like I was 50 weeks pregnant and I was like 31 weeks pregnant or 32 weeks. So I was uber pregnant, very uncomfortable. There was a part of me that was looking for relief because The emotional strain of carrying a baby who is sick, and you don't know if that baby's even gonna like live after giving birth. that ⁓ at my spirit ⁓ single day of that whole pregnancy. There was not, even rare moment within the day that I wasn't thinking about this baby. ⁓ And so I think as the woman carrying the baby, you know, there's this. ⁓ emotional heaviness. So I was looking for relief physically. I was looking for relief emotionally. And I was so thankful that we had some really good friends of ours that chose to visit us while I was in Denver. And so even though I wasn't with you and the children, I ⁓ was to get some of that kind of relief being with some of my dearest friends it is like, so comfortable to be with these friends. I had several friends visit me and and I just remember thinking that's what made it feel like home for me, even though wasn't home. I didn't have my children with me, which was so heartbreaking, you know, to be away from your kids. ⁓ I the other piece was actually ⁓ this was like a blessing in disguise was physically it was getting very very difficult for me to even take care of the children ⁓ and so I got some physical being by myself ⁓ and I would say some mental because I had quite a bit of time like at the Airbnb to think and to process and to pray so much times of silence ⁓ as you can imagine being by with ⁓ nobody there. ⁓ And so I think just it was one of those times where it was probably one of the rarest moments of my motherhood, because I'm with now seven children every day of my life, that I had like significant time alone. And as an introvert, it it was enjoyable for the beginning, but then of course, you know, it gets kind of old after a while. I think for me, the rhythms that I really clung to were. in those four weeks leading up to birth and then even after birth, ⁓ was definitely continuing to be in the word, have my quiet time. I remember even a season after she was born that I literally couldn't even open my Bible. And so my quiet time looked like just whisper prayers throughout the day. Like I couldn't even journal. Like I wanted to journal my experience, being in Denver by myself and then her birth and all the things that happened right after birth. And I look back through my journal ⁓ and I don't have that many entries. I think I kind of shamed myself. Like, ⁓ I've always had very strong quiet time rhythm up until this point. Being in the word, journaling, ⁓ you know, all these But do you have any idea of like what I guess leads someone to maybe like giving up on a sacred rhythm like that when they hit hard times? Well, watching you even from a distance. There was just there's just a deep grief, a deep sadness, and a deep worry and a real weightiness because like you said, I think you had the first kind of level of relief. Like you're home ⁓ in December, carrying all the all the stress of being pregnant on top of all the stressors that just regular daily life brings. ⁓ And then you did have a break from that, which is good, but I think you have done a good job of explaining like you never had a mental break. And as the pregnancy came closer to its end, that stress only grew and grew. ⁓ And understandably in the season, like Darla was born and it wasn't a relief. it was ⁓ I went with her to the NICU because we delivered in labor and delivery. They took her to the NICU. ⁓ I went back there and got news that she needed GI ⁓ surgery. Like her immediately her anatomy was even more off than we realized. And ⁓ it was like, okay, you're already dealing with all of that. And then boom, I come back and like, ⁓ we have more problems. Uh-huh. I mean, it was just problem after problem ⁓ ⁓ problems. ⁓ And I think the grief and the heaviness is so strong that I mean, I think it would be unnatural to sit down before the Lord and just go about your normal routine. Like nothing's changed. Yeah. Because how do you have words for that? I mean the only thing I can compare it to and I don't I don't wanna be overstating the grief 'cause it I don't think I think you would agree it wasn't this far. But I remember in my family when my half-sister passed away in her thirties from cancer. Uh-huh. And, you know, my dad would tell you the story if you wouldn't be embarrassed by it. He the grief was so heavy that a man who read his Bible every day for like 35 years and had a very consistent prayer time, just like the classic quiet time you think of, for 35 plus years, like couldn't couldn't even approach God for a long time. Yeah. So that's a level of grief that I was still to this day would never admit to understand, but at least I can see the glimpses of it of when your grief is so heavy. Yeah. Especially around your children. Yeah. Yeah. I think it would be disingenuous to think, ⁓ I can continue like nothing is happening in my life and you're yeah. Yeah. And I think that as believers When we're walking through suffering and hard times, it is so natural and normal to at a place where ⁓ are deeply questioning. ⁓ I don't think that's talked about often in the church. I think that a lot of people believe that if your faith is strong enough, you wouldn't question. Like, why would you have to question? And I think what I realized as walking through this is that when you walk through suffering, your hard questions actually end up leading you closer to God if you allow yourself to ask the question and to not just assume that everything is hunky-dory and ⁓ la-di-da, but to you know what, I don't understand this. And ⁓ yeah, maybe I have to understand it to believe in God, ⁓ but ⁓ I still feel like I'm questioning. And I think all this time has passed. So to fast forward, it's not like you have answers to those questions you were asking then. No. In fact, complications have compounded. Yeah. ⁓ Since this hundred and days. all that is to say, it even sound like you got to some other side. But I think you came to peace. ⁓ And love to hear your thoughts on that. So I'm not speaking for you. But all that to say is it's not like you walked away with an answer that you suddenly, you know, ⁓ yes, I have this answer now to this question. Like some of those questions still maybe probably haven't even gone away. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. ⁓ I my biggest question in all of it was ⁓ trying to understand ⁓ the truth that God knits us in our mother's womb. And not fully understanding or grasping what was the reason he knit her to be like this. and also we had ⁓ so many people for her, like thousands upon thousands all over the world. I mean, there were Darla was in every person we know, their their church's prayer chain. ⁓ I mean There were probably more people than we could ever even imagine at this point praying over her. And ⁓ I I also wondered, okay, Lord, I want to see a miracle. Like, ⁓ I you give us a miracle. And I had such big faith. And so there that part of me that really struggles with, okay, if you say you knit us in our mother's womb ⁓ what was the reason you knit her this way? And two, ⁓ And ⁓ I I also wondered, okay, Lord, I want to see a miracle. Like, ⁓ I you give us a miracle. And I had such big faith. And so there that part of me that really struggles with, okay, if you say you knit us in our mother's womb ⁓ what was the reason you knit her this way? And two, ⁓ Where is the miracle? Like, can we see a miracle? And I think that those two questions are really hard to wrestle with. And I started to realize like God was asking me to see his goodness in a different way. That my perspective of his goodness and faithfulness was going to look different than I had ever even imagined. Where is the miracle? Like, can we see a miracle? And I think that those two questions are really hard to wrestle with. And I started to realize like God was asking me to see his goodness in a different way. That my perspective of his goodness and faithfulness was going to look different than I had ever even imagined. ⁓ Yeah, what would you say were some of the ways you saw God's goodness? one way that I feel like he's changed my perspective on his goodness is just how I even see the human, the human body. That, you know, I think before I I hate to admit this, but before Darla, I think I would see people with challenges, whether it was learning challenges or disabilities or genetic conditions, and I would almost have like pity and think something's wrong. Like they got they are disabled because something was wrong in their body. And being in the children's hospital for how many months we were there, and I had the privilege of getting to know many different parents of children with medical needs, I feel like God started to shift my understanding of what goodness looked like in the human body. And that perhaps what I thought of as Normal or good or perfect or healthy wasn't all encompassing. That there's actually more that I believe God sees as good. And it really has opened my eyes to there's so much to God ⁓ ⁓ truly don't understand, but He is good. Nevertheless. And so watching Darla, you know, Darla has many complications up to this point. And I'm even seeing her and all the layers of her uniqueness. I'm seeing how that all fits ⁓ under God's goodness. ⁓ I sometimes we label these things and say, well, because sin is in the world, like ⁓ that's why people you know, s ⁓ this wrong with or whatever. ⁓ But what if sometimes we're just labeling things wrong? Like we're labeling them as because there's brokenness in the world. What if some of these things really are just part of God's design and they're good in a different way? I know in the deaf community in particular, they don't believe anything is wrong with them. Many actually love their uniqueness. ⁓ And ⁓ I can only imagine the beauty that deaf people experience with their relationship with God. They are in total silence, almost silence, total silence, talking with God. And I can imagine that there's a level of goodness there. And so I think that has been one of my biggest shifts is like God is expanding my understanding of his goodness. That's so beautiful. And to Here you say, you know, I think what you're expressing is that theological idea of we are all made in the image of God, and sometimes we allow circumstances or conditions or other things to get in the way of us as as people looking at other people and not seeing the image of God and So you're seeing your perspective is like seeing those layers or those barriers are being lifted so that you're seeing the genuine image ⁓ that God has placed ⁓ and made that person to be, despite some of the things that we don't call quote unquote normal. Yeah. I think that's really, really beautiful.