Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #19: Parenting Through Alcohol Addiction: One Mother’s Journey of Personal Growth Through Her Son’s Struggle to Sobriety

Transcript

#19: Parenting Through Alcohol Addiction: One Mother’s Journey of Personal Growth Through Her Son’s Struggle to Sobriety · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

0:00
SPEAKER_00: Our children come through us, not for us, except for the lessons they reflect to us during their journey in an effort to grow us up along the way.
0:13
SPEAKER_00: So I will often ask parents, what is this situation that you're in trying to teach you?
0:19
SPEAKER_02: Hi, I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, a podcast for parents of older children who are struggling to move forward.
0:28
SPEAKER_02: We talk about different challenges the parents are having, what they can do to help their young adults, and improve their relationship along the way.
0:35
SPEAKER_02: We often think of parenting as shaping our children's lives.
0:39
SPEAKER_02: But what if the journey of raising them is about discovering ourselves?
0:44
SPEAKER_02: My guest today knows this transformation firsthand.
0:47
SPEAKER_02: Kim Minch is a certified conscious parenting coach to the Jai Institute for Parenting, and she specializes in guiding parents of emerging adults.
0:57
SPEAKER_02: But on today's episode, I'm speaking with Kim about her beautiful memoir, Becoming Me While Raising You, A Mother's Journey to Herself.
1:07
SPEAKER_02: Kim shares how her son's struggle with alcohol abuse became the catalyst for her own personal growth and self-discovery.
1:15
SPEAKER_02: Kim is the founder of Real Life Parent Guide and has dedicated years of personal and professional experience helping parents build healthier and stronger relationships with their emerging adults.
1:26
SPEAKER_02: As a mother of five adult children, Kim truly understands the emotional complexities of parenting.
1:33
SPEAKER_02: She believes moms are the emotional barometers of their families and is passionate about helping them lead with intention rather than fear and control.
1:43
SPEAKER_02: Her work has been widely recognized.
1:45
SPEAKER_02: Her book became Amazon's number one new release in the category of parent and adult child relationships.
1:50
SPEAKER_02: And she's been featured on Fox News Radio, TV news segments, and podcasts worldwide.
1:56
SPEAKER_02: I am so excited to dive into this conversation with Kim today.
2:00
SPEAKER_02: So let's get started.
2:01
SPEAKER_02: Thank you for joining me today.
2:03
SPEAKER_02: I am so excited to have you on the podcast.
2:06
SPEAKER_00: I could not be more excited to have this conversation with you, Sherry.
2:09
SPEAKER_00: Thank you for inviting me.
2:11
SPEAKER_02: You know, from the minute I found you on social media, which by the way, you have quite the following.
2:20
SPEAKER_02: And then I read your book and I knew we just had to connect.
2:27
SPEAKER_02: So tell me, what inspired you to write Becoming Me While Raising You?
2:35
SPEAKER_02: Was there a particular moment in time where you knew you had to share your story?
2:42
SPEAKER_00: You know, it's interesting because long before I wrote that book, I said to my son Alan Michael, I'm gonna write a book someday.
2:50
SPEAKER_00: And I don't know why I said it.
2:52
SPEAKER_00: I just like we were coming in from the garage one day, just very random.
2:55
SPEAKER_00: And um, he was the one that wouldn't let me forget from time to time.
2:59
SPEAKER_00: He's like, How are you working on that book, Mom?
3:01
SPEAKER_00: Are you working on that book?
3:02
SPEAKER_00: A different, like I'm talking about this was over months or years, say maybe five years period of time.
3:10
SPEAKER_00: So it was interesting because part of my motivation was the fact that one of my kids was not gonna let me let it go.
3:18
SPEAKER_00: And, you know, so part of it is that part of it is I don't think that there's enough truth in the world.
3:25
SPEAKER_00: And part of me sharing my truth so rawly in some of the different challenges of my own life is to not only really live from an authentic place, like bearing it all, like putting it all out there, but also to inspire other people to do the same.
3:44
SPEAKER_00: Because I think, like I said, there is not enough truth in this world.
3:47
SPEAKER_00: There's not enough people who are willing to stand in their truth and in their experiences and share those, because that is what that's what connects people is you know, having a kindred spirit or feeling as if they're they're not alone and whatever it is that they might have experienced.
4:06
SPEAKER_02: You describe a pivotal moment in 2008 when your eldest son, Nick, admitted that he had an alcohol uh abuse problem.
4:16
SPEAKER_02: Take us back to that time.
4:18
SPEAKER_02: What emotions did you experience?
4:21
SPEAKER_02: What were you thinking?
4:23
SPEAKER_00: I think it's funny how it's you can remember certain moments of your life, right?
4:27
SPEAKER_00: It was a Tuesday evening.
4:28
SPEAKER_00: It was the Tuesday before Mother's Day.
4:31
SPEAKER_00: Um, it was a beautiful spring day in our Texas area.
4:35
SPEAKER_00: And I don't remember exactly what time he called.
4:38
SPEAKER_00: I know it was after dinner, but he said, I lost the last three days of my life.
4:43
SPEAKER_00: I can't or can't remember the last three days of my life.
4:47
SPEAKER_00: This isn't the first time, and I need help.
4:49
SPEAKER_00: And while he didn't say alcohol in any way, shape, or form, I knew that's what he meant.
4:58
SPEAKER_00: And so I think there was a lot of a lot of mom gut instincts that were playing out for me long before I heard those words.
5:08
SPEAKER_00: It was those words that told me I can't deny this any longer.
5:12
SPEAKER_00: Like it was a feeling, like, you know, there were days he wouldn't call me back.
5:16
SPEAKER_00: It would take him a long time to call me back, which wasn't like him.
5:20
SPEAKER_00: And it started to become his pattern.
5:22
SPEAKER_00: So I think my mother's intuition was like, oh shit, this is at least as bad as I thought it was under the surface, but now I can't deny it.
5:34
SPEAKER_00: So it was definitely a shock, but I kind of knew this on some level.
5:40
SPEAKER_00: Well, also I can't deny this any longer.
5:43
SPEAKER_00: Now what do I do?
5:45
SPEAKER_00: Because I really had no idea how to how to deal with it, and fear for him, you know, and and love for him.
5:52
SPEAKER_00: And by the way, he was 1200 miles away from me calling me to tell me this.
5:57
SPEAKER_00: So this was not something that I was unraveling within the context of our home.
6:03
SPEAKER_00: This was unraveling very far away, and trying to manage that at a distance was also incredibly difficult.
6:12
SPEAKER_02: Right.
6:14
SPEAKER_02: Let's talk about alcoholism and drug addiction because it's so prevalent today, and many parents are facing this painful reality.
6:23
SPEAKER_02: Based on your own experience, what advice would you give to parents who make this discovery in their child?
6:31
SPEAKER_00: Well, first of all, I guess I want to go back a little bit and say there's certain red flags that I think parents need to be attuned to, especially when it comes to teens or 20-somethings that are they're they're fearing maybe that this might be going on.
6:48
SPEAKER_00: One red flag is if you're finding bottles or cans in odd areas of your home.
6:56
SPEAKER_00: Another is if you know they're drinking by themselves, especially at night, they're very likely medicate self-medicating in some way.
7:06
SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of gaming that goes on at night that you know that that is also social, but there's an excessive amount of drinking or or marijuana smoking or whatever.
7:17
SPEAKER_00: So, parents, you have to go with your instincts on this.
7:20
SPEAKER_00: And I wish I I feel like I have become now the coach that I needed back in 2008 and tap into some resources for yourself, get some support for yourself because especially if your son or daughter does not want to admit that there's a problem, but you see it, you're going to need some support to navigate.
7:45
SPEAKER_00: Again, you can this is such a tough age because you can't make them get help.
7:51
SPEAKER_00: You can bring to them your concerns about the behavior and how they can get some support and know that you're always there.
8:02
SPEAKER_00: I mean, these are all important things for parents, for parents to do if they think that they're in that position.
8:07
SPEAKER_00: But first and foremost, I guess I would say get some support and from someone who has been through the situation that you're in who can help you stay grounded because it's very ungrounding when someone that you love, your one of your children, is struggling with alcohol or drug addiction.
8:27
SPEAKER_02: Many parents feel like they have to be able to handle everything on their own, which I can totally relate to because I raised my son as a single mom with almost no help.
8:36
SPEAKER_02: And I'm sure you feel very blessed because you had your mother as a strong support system.
8:41
SPEAKER_02: So, on that topic, what do you say to a parent who feels too ashamed to ask for help for fear that they will seem like they're failing?
8:49
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and and I do run into this.
8:51
SPEAKER_00: That's again, this is this is not something that anyone can make a parent do.
8:57
SPEAKER_00: We can say all day long, listen, you are not alone.
9:01
SPEAKER_00: You are not the only parent that is experiencing this.
9:03
SPEAKER_00: Walk into my or take connect with my support group and you will see.
9:09
SPEAKER_00: I think parents have such a sense of relief when they come into our group calls and see other parents there and they start to hear their stories.
9:17
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, oh my gosh, like this isn't just me.
9:20
SPEAKER_00: So I can't take someone's shame or reason not to get help away from them.
9:29
SPEAKER_00: I can let you know that you are not alone.
9:32
SPEAKER_00: You are not the only parent that is experiencing this.
9:35
SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, many, many parents experience this.
9:37
SPEAKER_00: And you have to ask yourself because when you get support from other people, you gain strength.
9:44
SPEAKER_00: That's what I've seen happen in my group calls and in my private coaching.
9:48
SPEAKER_00: People gain strength and they gain confidence because they're not alone.
9:53
SPEAKER_00: They're not like alone with their thoughts, like, is this really me?
9:57
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's really not that bad.
9:58
SPEAKER_00: You know, they try and talk themselves out of things.
10:00
SPEAKER_00: This is just a phase he or she is going through.
10:02
SPEAKER_00: It's going to be okay.
10:04
SPEAKER_00: When if they would get the support and the education that they need along the way, they would feel empowered and not ashamed.
10:12
SPEAKER_02: So I love that because we're talking about community here.
10:17
SPEAKER_02: And there this the strength and the power that community provides people.
10:21
SPEAKER_02: First of all, it's the admission out loud.
10:25
SPEAKER_02: That's the that's powerful.
10:27
SPEAKER_02: It's like the same thing the second you said, I'm going to write a book, it's out there.
10:30
SPEAKER_02: But the same thing also when you're amongst community.
10:33
SPEAKER_02: First you sit back and you listen to other people share their stories and you feel the sense of connection.
10:37
SPEAKER_02: But then at the same time, now you can start talking about it and it becomes something that you feel that you can control or manage, or that sense of empowerment.
10:46
SPEAKER_00: And here's the beautiful thing.
10:48
SPEAKER_00: I think in our in our group calls and our support group calls, parents are holding each other accountable.
10:55
SPEAKER_00: I'm there to facilitate, I've given them the safe space, the non-judgment, shared my own story.
11:01
SPEAKER_00: They trust me, but they come for each other.
11:05
SPEAKER_00: There comes a point at which they they want to cheer each other on, they want to support each other.
11:12
SPEAKER_00: And I've never had the experience where anybody judges or criticizes another parent.
11:18
SPEAKER_00: You know, Kim told you that three weeks ago.
11:20
SPEAKER_00: Kim told, you know, like they they do not do that.
11:23
SPEAKER_00: They are all there to give support to one another and to get support for themselves.
11:29
SPEAKER_01: Got it.
11:30
SPEAKER_02: So on a personal level, but also what you see in your work or in these groups, what are the mistakes that parents make when they have an emerging adult who is struggling besides not getting the support?
11:41
SPEAKER_02: What are they doing?
11:43
SPEAKER_02: What can you see?
11:44
SPEAKER_02: Like you're seeing the positive parts of the community, but when they first come in, what mistakes are they making?
11:49
SPEAKER_02: Is it is it the denial?
11:52
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they come in with a complete lack of confidence in themselves because they've been par, they've been doing all the things that they know to do, all the things that have maybe worked in the past.
12:04
SPEAKER_00: But this is a different level and stage of parenting.
12:09
SPEAKER_00: Whether you're having an emerging adult that's struggling or not, bottom line, your parenting has to shift into more of a coming up alongside of your son or daughter as they are going through their later teen and 20-something years.
12:25
SPEAKER_00: Like no matter what the dynamics are, your the way you show up has to change.
12:31
SPEAKER_00: So they're not educated in parenting this age group.
12:36
SPEAKER_00: I think, I think people think at this point, why do I need to read a book on parenting an adult child?
12:42
SPEAKER_00: Like this just this, like I like the hard parts behind me when quite frankly, for myself and for many other parents, 20 to 30 might be the most challenging time in your parenting, at least mentally, not physically demanding like they are when they're little, but mentally demanding.
13:00
SPEAKER_00: So they come in uneducated, they come in overwhelmed, stressed, lacking of confidence.
13:06
SPEAKER_00: Um, they're doing too much.
13:10
SPEAKER_00: And they're afraid not to, especially when there's mental health involved.
13:14
SPEAKER_02: A major theme in your book for parents is self-growth and self-awareness.
13:19
SPEAKER_02: Why do you think it's so important for parents to do their inner work while raising their kids?
13:25
SPEAKER_00: Because no one will trigger you like your children will, or your spouse for that matter.
13:31
SPEAKER_01: That's a great thing.
13:32
SPEAKER_00: Um, they're reflecting back to you areas where you need to grow, the where you need to expand.
13:41
SPEAKER_00: Not you don't necessarily need to change to be who they need you to be.
13:45
SPEAKER_00: It's just they're reflecting back to you things all the time.
13:49
SPEAKER_00: You're, you know, and so when you're getting triggered, this is what I didn't know when I was a younger parent.
13:54
SPEAKER_00: When you're getting so triggered in your body, you can feel it, and you just want to like yell at your kid, this is returning back to you a previous earlier life lesson or experience that you had that's trying to teach you something.
14:10
SPEAKER_00: Our children are our greatest teachers.
14:12
SPEAKER_00: If you can wrap your mind around that and allow that to happen, it's a beautiful thing.
14:17
SPEAKER_00: Your kids came into the world to reflect back to you at times areas in which you need to grow.
14:25
SPEAKER_02: I think what you're talking about and what I want to talk about right now is limiting beliefs.
14:30
SPEAKER_02: Here's a quote from your book.
14:33
SPEAKER_02: Experiencing addiction through Nick's struggles was the catalyst I needed to begin an intentional chapter of personal growth.
14:42
SPEAKER_02: The result of which was me becoming aware of the limiting beliefs that shape my life.
14:48
SPEAKER_02: I think this is so important.
14:50
SPEAKER_02: And first I want to define what a limiting belief is and how it influences the way we parent.
14:57
SPEAKER_02: Maybe you can even give us a few of your own examples, but I think that's the reflection that you're talking about that our children offer us, that mirror.
15:06
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
15:07
SPEAKER_00: So to me, a limiting belief is something that is that is often subconscious, is something that you feel about yourself.
15:17
SPEAKER_00: You may not even consciously know it, but it's affecting the relationships in your life.
15:22
SPEAKER_00: And typically it's been taken on within the context of the relationship that you had as a child with your primary caregivers or a teacher or someone very important in your life.
15:34
SPEAKER_00: So, for example, uh in the book, my favorite one to talk about is um I'm not worthy of being heard.
15:41
SPEAKER_00: And I go through, I went through an exercise with myself that was at one point, what do I believe about myself?
15:49
SPEAKER_00: And one of the things I knew to be true in my marriage and sometimes with my parenting was that I didn't feel heard, or I wouldn't open my mouth and I wouldn't say something, even when I wanted to, like in a situation where I knew something was wrong, or I knew, you know, I would censor myself.
16:09
SPEAKER_00: And what I realized upon really reflecting, what do I believe about myself is that I don't feel worthy of being heard.
16:16
SPEAKER_00: This is why I don't speak up.
16:18
SPEAKER_00: This is why I didn't raise my hand in class so many years at school.
16:23
SPEAKER_00: I didn't tell a friend that she was hurting my feelings.
16:26
SPEAKER_00: I just kind of sucked it all in.
16:29
SPEAKER_00: So I came to understand I had this belief that I didn't wasn't worthy of being heard or that what I had to say didn't matter.
16:35
SPEAKER_00: And then I asked myself, how long have I felt this way?
16:38
SPEAKER_00: Like, when is the first time I remember feeling like what I had to say did not matter?
16:44
SPEAKER_00: And I thought about it for a while and I thought about different periods in my life.
16:48
SPEAKER_00: But what I the first time I remember hearing that or remember thinking that, I was six years old and my dad was in charge for the evening because my mom was out.
16:58
SPEAKER_00: And it was a summer evening.
17:00
SPEAKER_00: So my two younger brothers, I have a younger brother, two years younger and four years younger.
17:04
SPEAKER_00: We all went out to the swing set at my neighbor's house after dinner one night, right?
17:09
SPEAKER_00: My dad was there, he was kind of watching us, but he my aunt stopped by, so he was chatting with my aunt and we were within close range.
17:15
SPEAKER_00: But bottom line, my my younger brother and I, the four-year-old brother, was we were swinging and we were having this race to see who could go highest.
17:24
SPEAKER_00: My littlest brother, who was two, was playing in the sandbox, and he started to toddle over towards us.
17:31
SPEAKER_00: And I could see him coming, and I tried to yell to him to stop coming because I knew I wasn't going to be able to stop in time.
17:40
SPEAKER_00: Bottom line, all of these things happened in just such a quick period of time.
17:44
SPEAKER_00: And I bashed into him, his little, his little two-year-old body.
17:48
SPEAKER_00: And I remember feeling just sick when it happened, but then also I came back down on him.
17:53
SPEAKER_00: Like, so like he came, he fell under the swing.
17:56
SPEAKER_00: So I can remember his body.
17:58
SPEAKER_00: I can remember the swing hitting his body.
18:00
SPEAKER_00: I can remember how how sad I was and how like, and so my dad came over because clearly my brother was hurt and crying and whatnot.
18:10
SPEAKER_00: He came over and I tried to explain to my dad what had happened because I didn't wasn't sure that he saw and I was afraid I was going to be in trouble, quite frankly.
18:20
SPEAKER_00: And um, he told me to go to my room.
18:22
SPEAKER_00: He gave me the look that my dad always gave me that was like, you don't you don't speak any longer, like you know, like go to your room.
18:31
SPEAKER_00: So I went to my room and he proceeded to take care of my brother, and my other brother went to his room.
18:37
SPEAKER_00: And later on, my dad came up.
18:38
SPEAKER_00: My mom had gotten home, my dad came upstairs, and I tried to again explain to him.
18:43
SPEAKER_00: I'd been laying on my bed crying because I didn't know how hurt my brother was.
18:47
SPEAKER_00: I could hear him downstairs.
18:48
SPEAKER_00: Um, but my dad came in quite a while later and I tried to explain to him again what happened.
18:55
SPEAKER_00: And he looked at me and he said, You are the older sister, you should have known better.
18:58
SPEAKER_00: And he spanked me.
19:01
SPEAKER_00: And that is the first time I remember feeling like it doesn't really matter what my side of the story is, because you know, and and again, I look back now, I can look at my dad, right, in hindsight, and I don't know what was going on for my dad in his life at that point, or you know, if he was maybe upset with himself because he was chatting with my aunt and not paying much attention, and it was just me that he took this out on.
19:30
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if he totally, I don't know if he actually to this day would say he felt that way because I've never discussed it with him since then.
19:37
SPEAKER_00: But I have reconciled that I don't know what was all going on for my dad in that situation.
19:43
SPEAKER_00: All I know is how it affected me and impacted me for a long time.
19:49
SPEAKER_00: And I think parents, I think one of the most important things we can do is really think about our childhood and maybe some of the ways that our parents weren't emotionally there for us.
20:02
SPEAKER_00: And let's just, let's just be honest, you can't.
20:05
SPEAKER_00: You cannot, as a parent, be a hundred percent on and emotionally attuned at all times.
20:13
SPEAKER_00: There are times for sure when I was not there for my five kids.
20:17
SPEAKER_00: But I think there's value in each one of us looking at what do I believe about myself?
20:23
SPEAKER_00: Where did that come from?
20:26
SPEAKER_00: What is the first time I remember, you know, feeling that way?
20:29
SPEAKER_00: Is it true?
20:30
SPEAKER_00: Is the belief that I am holding true?
20:34
SPEAKER_00: If it's not true, what is true?
20:38
SPEAKER_02: I want to read your definition because I I think it's great in the book.
20:42
SPEAKER_02: What is a limiting belief?
20:44
SPEAKER_02: A limiting belief is an often subconscious concept you have about yourself or your life.
20:50
SPEAKER_02: The belief holds you back from being who you truly are.
20:53
SPEAKER_02: In other words, your highest, most authentic self.
20:57
SPEAKER_02: It keeps you from being you.
20:59
SPEAKER_02: These beliefs infect and inhibit your relationships, your career choice, where you live, how you dream, and how you parent.
21:07
SPEAKER_00: Wow, I said that way better in the books.
21:10
SPEAKER_02: I love that.
21:11
SPEAKER_02: I love that.
21:12
SPEAKER_02: Okay, I'm gonna quote your book a lot.
21:15
SPEAKER_00: So that's good.
21:16
SPEAKER_00: That's great.
21:17
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I've I guess I should go back and read it at this point.
21:20
SPEAKER_00: It's like um you know, when you're editing, you read like a million times and you're like, I can't read this book again.
21:25
SPEAKER_02: Right, you can't see it anymore.
21:27
SPEAKER_02: You need fresh eyes.
21:28
SPEAKER_02: I'm your fresh eyes.
21:29
SPEAKER_02: I love this.
21:30
SPEAKER_02: Okay, you write about trusting your intuition.
21:32
SPEAKER_02: You talked about this a minute ago and how important that is.
21:36
SPEAKER_02: What I hear you saying is that limiting beliefs can really get in the way of trusting that.
21:42
SPEAKER_02: So, how how can we encourage parents to trust that inner voice, especially when something doesn't feel right?
21:50
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that is a good question.
21:52
SPEAKER_00: And I do feel like parents have become disconnected from their intuition.
21:58
SPEAKER_00: I feel like not just parents.
22:01
SPEAKER_00: Everybody.
22:03
SPEAKER_00: There's so much information coming at us, and I'm not, I don't want to just blame it on that.
22:07
SPEAKER_00: I just think that there's so much influence, and we're so busy, and there's a million details to everybody's day, even if they're not busy.
22:17
SPEAKER_00: I think that we've become disconnected from our own inner wisdom.
22:22
SPEAKER_00: I don't mean, you know, like in a spiritual sense, but just in general, I think that there is a mind-body connection that we and we tend to press down our instincts at times.
22:36
SPEAKER_00: We don't believe them.
22:37
SPEAKER_00: Whether that's attributed to are the limiting beliefs we have or not, we're questioning ourselves much more.
22:45
SPEAKER_00: I'm not 100% sure what's all behind that, but I do think in general, we are not in tune with our intuition.
22:54
SPEAKER_00: So when I'm coaching somebody, clearly we do a lot of talking, and I will ask a lot of questions.
23:00
SPEAKER_00: And I think through the through the questions I ask, I help parents retrust themselves, reconnect with themselves.
23:10
SPEAKER_00: I think parents know what to do.
23:12
SPEAKER_00: I think they know they need to set firmer boundaries.
23:15
SPEAKER_00: And I think they know it's just whether it was the way they were parented or the way we're conditioned to parent with this, I'm the parent, you're the child mentality that gets in the way, especially when when you get into the emerging adult stage of like, let me come up alongside of you and let me just let me work.
23:40
SPEAKER_00: How can we work together on this as opposed to this?
23:45
SPEAKER_00: This I'm, you know, it's a hierarchy situation.
23:49
SPEAKER_00: But we've had generations of parenting where it's been that hierarchy.
23:54
SPEAKER_02: What I'm understanding is that we have so much input social media more than ever before, that those voices seem to be louder than our quiet inner voice.
24:10
SPEAKER_02: And that's the shift we have to make is to stop listening to what everybody, even what your parents have told you and your grand, stop listening to all the voices and go within and trust that gut feeling.
24:24
SPEAKER_00: Yes, you know, yes, because I don't think I will tell parents this often no one knows your kid like you do.
24:30
SPEAKER_00: Parents through talking to me, through the process of coaching, begin to trust themselves again.
24:40
SPEAKER_00: And once they see some positive things come from that, they then trust their gut even more as they go along.
24:50
SPEAKER_00: They know what needs to be done.
24:52
SPEAKER_00: Like I said before, sometimes it's about having someone to be accountable to, to remind them that no one knows their kid like they do.
25:04
SPEAKER_00: My goal is to help them understand that they need to reconnect with themselves and parent from that place.
25:13
SPEAKER_00: I am not here to give you the answer.
25:16
SPEAKER_00: I am here to listen, to ask you questions so that you gain clarity and you have a plan forward.
25:23
SPEAKER_00: That's what that's what my goal is as a coach, even though sometimes they think they're coming to me because I have the answer.
25:32
SPEAKER_02: Right, right.
25:32
SPEAKER_02: So I love the part in your book, and I think we're talking about that now, where you encourage parents to shift their mindset.
25:39
SPEAKER_02: First of all, I imagine this starts with examining their limiting beliefs.
25:43
SPEAKER_02: But when the parents you coach begin making these changes through self-awareness, what are the transformations that you see in them and how they're parenting their emerging adult?
25:55
SPEAKER_02: What do you start to notice?
25:57
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they feel empowered, they feel confident, they begin to see their son or daughter who has spent years sleeping all day, gaming all night, find a way to pay rent, if that's been one of their the things that the parents want to, you know.
26:18
SPEAKER_00: And so they start to see change in their emerging adult when they change.
26:26
SPEAKER_00: But it's not coming from a place of controlling them, which is what they were trying to do before they came into coaching.
26:32
SPEAKER_00: Because that's all that, you know, like I have to make this kid.
26:34
SPEAKER_00: This kid has to do, you know, I can't afford to finance this kid for the rest of his life.
26:40
SPEAKER_00: Someday I'm gonna die.
26:41
SPEAKER_00: You know, all of these things that this kid has to take responsibility for themselves.
26:46
SPEAKER_00: That's all coming from a place of fear and control.
26:49
SPEAKER_00: And when we come from a place of fear, we cause disconnection in the relationship.
26:55
SPEAKER_00: So when they shift their mindset, they begin to be very clear, they have consistent messaging.
27:02
SPEAKER_00: They have to be consistent.
27:04
SPEAKER_00: This is another thing that parents really they might say something.
27:08
SPEAKER_00: Listen, if you don't do this by X date, you're out of here kind of thing.
27:12
SPEAKER_00: But that doesn't hold any water because, and the kid knows that on some level.
27:16
SPEAKER_00: So parents getting very clear, staying calm when they are having these sometimes really tough conversations, being confident, coming from a space of feeling confident.
27:28
SPEAKER_00: And that comes from, again, just getting affirmed through coaching and through the process.
27:35
SPEAKER_00: And then consistent messaging, right?
27:38
SPEAKER_00: Consistent two parents not being on the same page can cause years of you know, of dysfunction, quite frankly.
27:47
SPEAKER_02: Right.
27:48
SPEAKER_02: You advocate for practicing conscious parenting.
27:53
SPEAKER_02: Love that.
27:54
SPEAKER_02: Let's talk about what that means.
27:56
SPEAKER_02: Conscious parenting.
27:57
SPEAKER_00: Conscious parenting to me means that you're first of all, the word intentional comes up.
28:03
SPEAKER_00: When I work with parents at times, they know they're being triggered, they know when their buttons are being pushed, but they don't understand that that comes also with a physical feeling in their body.
28:14
SPEAKER_00: So I raise awareness around when you're being triggered by your kid or your spouse or anyone, but let's just say keep it to your kids.
28:23
SPEAKER_00: Um, what does that feel like in your body?
28:25
SPEAKER_00: Begin to observe yourself.
28:27
SPEAKER_00: So in the first week between session one and session two, they're really, and once it's almost like once I say that to them, they really start paying more attention to themselves and how they're showing up in the relationship and how they're when their kids pushing their buttons, what that feels like in their body.
28:46
SPEAKER_00: For me, it's like a prickling up the back of my neck.
28:48
SPEAKER_00: Like I just, there's no other feeling like it, but I know when I'm being triggered.
28:53
SPEAKER_00: So once I teach them that, then we talk about okay, that's your physical indicator that, okay, I need to be conscious here.
29:02
SPEAKER_00: How am I going to respond to this?
29:04
SPEAKER_00: How am I going to defer to the unconscious yelling or lecturing or whatever that I've done in the past?
29:13
SPEAKER_00: Or this is my moment when I feel that tingling up the back of my neck.
29:17
SPEAKER_00: This is for the moment for me to decide how I want to show up when my 20-year-old daughter has gotten another DUI or whatever the, you know, the whatever the situation is.
29:29
SPEAKER_00: How do I want to show up?
29:31
SPEAKER_00: That's what it means to be a conscious parent.
29:34
SPEAKER_00: Our kids need us also to be present with them, not just standing in front of them saying we're listening, but to really hear what they're saying.
29:43
SPEAKER_00: That's what everyone wants that.
29:46
SPEAKER_00: Everyone wants to feel heard and validated for how they feel.
29:49
SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean you have to agree with everything your kid says, but they want to be heard.
29:54
SPEAKER_00: And you have the greatest chance of that when you are emotionally taking care of your needs so that you can be attuned to what they need.
30:05
SPEAKER_02: That's a great suggestion.
30:07
SPEAKER_02: Because it's almost an easy way to recognize this that self-awareness that we just talked about.
30:16
SPEAKER_02: It's easy for parents to say something hurts me, something doesn't feel right.
30:20
SPEAKER_02: Like you say it's your neck.
30:21
SPEAKER_02: For me, it's my stomach.
30:24
SPEAKER_02: Right?
30:24
SPEAKER_02: Are you a Taurus?
30:27
SPEAKER_02: No, Virgo.
30:28
unknown: Okay.
30:29
SPEAKER_02: Um, for me, it's my stomach.
30:30
SPEAKER_02: Something doesn't feel right in the pit of my stomach.
30:32
SPEAKER_02: But I think what you're saying is there's an easy way for you to start physically sensing the trigger before you have that knee-jerk reaction, which it's funny because I'm saying knee jerk reaction is another physical sensation.
30:43
SPEAKER_02: So I love that.
30:44
SPEAKER_02: I love that you're giving them some kind of concrete way to start going to be self-reflective, starting with a physical reaction, and then take a moment and go, okay, I'm feeling this feeling.
30:58
SPEAKER_02: What does it mean?
30:59
SPEAKER_02: And where what is a better way for me to respond?
31:03
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, not only that, but where does this come from?
31:06
SPEAKER_00: Again, that's a cue for you to say, my kid's triggering me in this situation.
31:10
SPEAKER_00: This has happened over and over again.
31:12
SPEAKER_00: Two things.
31:13
SPEAKER_00: One, I can choose to respond differently in this moment or go back to what I know doesn't work, lecturing, yelling.
31:20
SPEAKER_00: And two, why is this triggering to me?
31:23
SPEAKER_00: What's going on for me in this situation?
31:27
SPEAKER_00: Some of it could be fear that this kid's going to go down the same path you did when you were 18 years old and got pregnant or whatever, you know, like some of that could be going on, but it could be something else.
31:37
SPEAKER_00: Being attuned to who you are instead of just going through the motions all day long.
31:43
SPEAKER_02: Conscious, conscious versus unconscious, conscious versus subconscious parenting.
31:47
SPEAKER_02: It makes so much sense.
31:48
SPEAKER_02: In your book, you write, I wish I had some inkling as to the importance of working through my childhood shit before my kids were born or even while they were little.
32:00
SPEAKER_02: I would have avoided projecting my own personal insecurities and parenting fears onto them.
32:06
SPEAKER_02: When parents do the work, they can hopefully stop the cycle of generational trauma.
32:12
SPEAKER_02: So let's touch on that for a moment, what it means and how can parents begin to change the perpetual cycle of generational trauma.
32:23
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so I know that I was very observant of my parents' marriage and specifically my mom and the way she operated in the world while I was growing up.
32:33
SPEAKER_00: And I think my marriage and the way I operated as a young mom reflected a lot of the way my parents interacted.
32:44
SPEAKER_00: My mom was at home, stay-at-home mom, me for the most part as well.
32:50
SPEAKER_00: I didn't feel like I had a lot of say in things because I wasn't making the money.
32:55
SPEAKER_00: This is just my particular situation.
32:57
SPEAKER_00: My mom, I think, same way.
33:00
SPEAKER_00: So there are times now.
33:02
SPEAKER_00: I have a daughter, Mia, who's 20, that I see her limiting herself at times.
33:08
SPEAKER_00: I see a lot more potential in her than she sees in herself.
33:13
SPEAKER_00: And it makes me sad.
33:16
SPEAKER_00: If I had had more value in myself, I may have helped her to see the value in herself.
33:25
SPEAKER_00: I'm seeing this in my daughter now.
33:27
SPEAKER_00: I wasn't aware of how my beliefs about myself were impacting my parenting.
33:34
SPEAKER_00: And that inadvertently was sometimes projecting onto my children insecurities that they didn't need to have, that they didn't come into the world with.
33:43
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
33:44
SPEAKER_02: And generational trauma means we're actually going back, even like way back to, like you said, you're looking, you're looking at your mother.
33:53
SPEAKER_02: And but it goes beyond that.
33:55
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
33:55
SPEAKER_02: It goes beyond that, right?
33:57
SPEAKER_02: Your mother's mother's mother, and like all this stuff that's carried on, that's gone past.
34:02
SPEAKER_02: And I think generational trauma is something that I mean, I have a definition here I want to share.
34:07
SPEAKER_02: Um, it's actually called in family systems, it's called transgenerational trauma.
34:12
SPEAKER_02: Seems kind of sort of redundant, but it's when unresolved emotional wounds, dysfunctional patterns, and psychological pain is passed down from one generation to the next, often without conscious awareness.
34:27
SPEAKER_02: So I think that again, we're we're not only looking at our own limiting beliefs, but we're looking at generationally what did we see in our parents and grandparents, if that's even possible.
34:40
SPEAKER_02: So you wrote that some of the most difficult moments you had to face as a mom was leaving Nick in jail and not bailing him out.
34:51
SPEAKER_02: You write that staying detached when your child is going through something really big is brutal and one of the most growth-inducing experiences for a parent.
35:03
SPEAKER_02: I couldn't agree with you more.
35:07
SPEAKER_02: And I have to ask, how did you find the strength to do that?
35:10
SPEAKER_02: And what changed inside of you as a result of that experience?
35:16
SPEAKER_00: Well, I think part of the strength uh come came from the fact that we literally couldn't afford to take to get him out of jail.
35:24
SPEAKER_00: Um, and I think that can be another layer of challenge for parents who maybe can afford that.
35:31
SPEAKER_00: I think sometimes problems can take longer and dysfunctional patterns can take longer to fix when people do have the money to throw at it.
35:40
SPEAKER_00: Um, so I'll just say that.
35:43
SPEAKER_00: Part of the reason I had to find the strength was because I didn't have the money.
35:48
SPEAKER_00: I'm glad that we were in the position that we were in because Nick has told me many times that having to stay in jail is part of what's kept him sober.
36:00
SPEAKER_00: I came to a point, I and I write about this in the book.
36:03
SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure if you're going to get there or not, but I came to a point where I am, I did, I understood that I couldn't control what Nick was doing or not doing, that I didn't know why he would have come into the world.
36:17
SPEAKER_00: I really didn't have any idea what he might have to go through in order to become who he is supposed to become or what he's, you know, what he's supposed to experience in his life.
36:28
SPEAKER_00: And knowing that I had no control and understanding that I didn't know why he was here was incredibly liberating.
36:36
SPEAKER_00: And that also gave me the strength I needed at times because I definitely knew I don't want to do anything that might lend itself to his self-destruction.
36:50
SPEAKER_00: And I guess in that moment when he was in jail, I felt he was safer there.
36:55
SPEAKER_00: And I wasn't going to be instrumental in putting him back on the street where he might be of harm to himself or someone else.
37:05
SPEAKER_02: Many parents feel this overwhelming sense of guilt or responsibility for their children's struggles.
37:13
SPEAKER_02: And this is at every every age.
37:16
SPEAKER_02: What advice do you give a parent who's experiencing that level of guilt while trying to support their child?
37:23
SPEAKER_00: Okay, and and I understand that.
37:25
SPEAKER_00: And and and I run into parents all the time that feel guilty about all sorts of things, right?
37:31
SPEAKER_00: I don't think that guilt is a helpful or productive emotion to have.
37:37
SPEAKER_00: And that doesn't make it go away.
37:39
SPEAKER_00: I'm just saying, like, when you're feeling guilty, what is that about?
37:44
SPEAKER_00: It almost seems self-serving to me.
37:48
SPEAKER_00: Like it gives you a pass not to do something or get involved or whatever.
37:53
SPEAKER_00: You know, like it is like, okay, I feel guilty.
37:57
SPEAKER_00: This is why I feel guilty.
37:58
SPEAKER_00: Should have done something differently.
38:00
SPEAKER_00: What can I do now?
38:01
SPEAKER_00: So I was always in the mode of like, you know, I know I could have done things differently.
38:06
SPEAKER_00: I could, I could have gotten stuck in that muck of like his dad and I didn't have, you know, I wasn't paying attention, you know, all of that.
38:14
SPEAKER_00: And I did reconcile it.
38:16
SPEAKER_00: I did admit to that, but I wasn't gonna get stuck there because it wasn't helpful to Nick and it wasn't helpful to me.
38:25
SPEAKER_00: So recognize how you're feeling, but don't get stuck there because that that is not helpful.
38:33
SPEAKER_00: I I was always looking for what's what's the next thing I need to do.
38:37
SPEAKER_00: I gotta call the insurance company.
38:38
SPEAKER_00: I gotta see what they recommend.
38:40
SPEAKER_00: I gotta, whatever it is, as much as I didn't feel in control, I also didn't want to get stuck in negative feelings because that wasn't going to help me or him.
38:52
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I can see that guilt can be very much of an excuse.
38:56
SPEAKER_02: An excuse for for not changing.
38:59
SPEAKER_02: I feel bad.
39:00
SPEAKER_02: So do something.
39:01
SPEAKER_02: I feel so bad.
39:02
SPEAKER_02: So do something.
39:04
SPEAKER_02: Right.
39:05
SPEAKER_02: Um many parents struggle with boundaries even though they want to be supportive.
39:10
SPEAKER_02: So what's your perspective on setting healthy boundaries without damaging the parent-child relationship?
39:17
SPEAKER_02: I mean, if you want to talk about the boundaries that you set with Nick or even with your other children, which you found to be helpful.
39:23
SPEAKER_00: Parents do struggle with boundaries even though they want to be supportive, especially when there is mental health or substance use involved, because they're scared of pushing their son or daughter over the edge and doing something that they then would be responsible for inflicting harm.
39:48
SPEAKER_00: And yet a lot of them also know that by not setting healthy and appropriate boundaries, they're enabling this behavior to continue to go on.
40:00
SPEAKER_00: And I talk about a shift in the way we set boundaries when they become post-high school, right?
40:07
SPEAKER_00: We have to stop looking at it as setting boundaries around somebody else's behavior and trying to get them to do something and start setting personal boundaries for ourselves because we can hold ourselves to the boundaries that we set for ourselves.
40:25
SPEAKER_00: And some of sometimes that means allowing the natural consequences of the choices that our sons and daughters are making to play out so they can learn the life lesson.
40:38
SPEAKER_00: The only time I would not advocate for that is like when my son's situation, like if you fear that it's a life or death situation, somebody's going to be driving under the influence or whatever, then I think you need to step in.
40:56
SPEAKER_00: Otherwise, there's so many parents are very egoically tied to their child being a representation of the quality of their parenting.
41:10
SPEAKER_00: So they're afraid for their kids to fail.
41:13
SPEAKER_00: They're afraid for their kids to mess up or make an unhealthy choice because they think it's a reflection on them.
41:21
SPEAKER_00: And I have been able to separate both the wonderful things my kids have done and the not so wonderful things my kids have done from who I am.
41:34
SPEAKER_00: I don't take credit if they are doing something amazing.
41:38
SPEAKER_00: I am inspired by that, but I don't take credit for it.
41:42
SPEAKER_00: I also, same thing, if they do make a really unhealthy choice and make a stupid decision or whatever, they they go down a path that that could lead them, you know, into something that's unhealthy.
41:56
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna let them know how I feel about it because I think that's what we need to do as parents, but I'm not gonna stand in the way of that happening because there is a learning.
42:06
SPEAKER_00: I've certainly had enough experience in my life that when you make choices and they have to play out, that's where you learn the lesson.
42:15
SPEAKER_02: A parent is listening today and is feeling lost or frustrated with their young adult.
42:22
SPEAKER_02: What are some of the steps?
42:23
SPEAKER_02: I'm coming to you.
42:24
SPEAKER_02: I'm I'm just coming to you with this feeling of I don't know what to do anymore.
42:28
SPEAKER_02: What are some of the steps that they can take to start turning things around?
42:33
SPEAKER_00: Whatever the dynamic that is going on, to start by looking at what part do they play in that?
42:39
SPEAKER_00: Because ultimately that is all you have control over is changing how you're showing up, how you're responding, the boundaries that you're setting, right?
42:53
SPEAKER_00: So I think the first thing to do is really look at, and it's it helps to have somebody impartial and not emotionally attached to do this with you.
43:02
SPEAKER_00: But if you don't have that person, really looking at like, what's the dynamic that's playing out here?
43:08
SPEAKER_00: What's going on day to day?
43:11
SPEAKER_00: And what is my part in this continuing?
43:15
SPEAKER_00: You look at that part and you I I have to make some changes here.
43:20
SPEAKER_00: This is this is where I have to make some changes.
43:22
SPEAKER_00: What are my options?
43:24
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I get that.
43:25
SPEAKER_02: Because it's it takes two.
43:27
SPEAKER_02: There's a there's a relationship.
43:30
SPEAKER_02: So if you keep saying something's wrong with my kid, something's wrong with my kid, well, it's the relationship that's also you know, there's that that dance between you and them.
43:39
SPEAKER_02: What are you what are you doing?
43:42
SPEAKER_02: What are you doing?
43:42
SPEAKER_02: Let's look at yourself because you're it's true.
43:44
SPEAKER_02: You can't change them.
43:46
SPEAKER_02: You have to change yourself.
43:47
SPEAKER_02: And we keep talking about looking inward, looking at your limiting beliefs.
43:52
SPEAKER_02: Start with yourself and then it becomes like a domino effect.
43:57
SPEAKER_02: When you start feeling better about yourself, when you start parenting.
44:00
SPEAKER_02: Parenting differently, they start responding.
44:03
SPEAKER_02: If we treat them like adults, they start acting like adults.
44:07
SPEAKER_02: So that's great advice.
44:09
SPEAKER_02: That's really good advice.
44:10
SPEAKER_02: Look at yourself first and not without blame, but accountability.
44:16
SPEAKER_02: Taking accountability.
44:17
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you have to be, yeah, you have to really think about like what is my part in this?
44:21
SPEAKER_00: And what are my options to change that?
44:25
SPEAKER_00: Because what I'm doing right now isn't working.
44:28
SPEAKER_02: Right.
44:29
SPEAKER_02: I love this line in your book.
44:31
SPEAKER_02: This is this is one of the ones that made me feel like as if we are really kindred spirits.
44:36
SPEAKER_02: I believe the kids who have come through me are gifts.
44:41
SPEAKER_02: I have a responsibility to love them unconditionally and to look out for their best interests while giving them space to grow and mature into morally responsible adults.
44:51
SPEAKER_02: Parents are meant to be guides and role models upon whom their kids can lean.
44:57
SPEAKER_02: This is so powerful because it highlights the balance between loving our children unconditionally and allowing them the space to grow.
45:08
SPEAKER_02: But as you know, so many parents struggle with this, that overprotecting versus letting them experience things.
45:18
SPEAKER_02: So, what advice do you have for parents to shift that mindset so that they're guiding their children without holding them back?
45:29
SPEAKER_00: Well, I think a helpful exercise can be to look back at your own life and the important lessons that you've learned and how you have learned them.
45:40
SPEAKER_00: For example, um, my own learning when I was 18 and pregnant, you know, there was a lot of learning that went on in that period of time.
45:52
SPEAKER_00: One of the things I learned is that you can disappoint other people and they may not be there for you when you really need them.
46:01
SPEAKER_00: So that you, the relationship that you're having with yourself is one of the is the primary, most important relationship that you need to work on and to love and accept yourself.
46:14
SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes people that you love, that you want to accept who you are, can't and don't.
46:23
SPEAKER_00: And they won't be there for you.
46:25
SPEAKER_00: So, how important it is to develop a relationship with yourself.
46:30
SPEAKER_00: So, parents look back at your life and the important life lessons that you've learned.
46:36
SPEAKER_00: Those came, those came probably as a natural consequence of somebody not rushing in to fix it, to rescue you.
46:45
SPEAKER_00: You know, you you had some hard learning to do on your own, quite frankly.
46:50
SPEAKER_00: And so to interrupt that in our children is something that you're you're it's a disservice to them.
46:58
SPEAKER_02: It's like saying when when you had the greatest lessons, where were your parents?
47:04
SPEAKER_02: Where were yours?
47:05
SPEAKER_02: Where was your support system?
47:07
SPEAKER_02: We went through the greatest growth in our lives alone.
47:10
SPEAKER_02: That's not to say that we want our kids to be alone.
47:13
SPEAKER_02: We're always there for them, but we have to let them experience those trials and tribulations because we came out of it.
47:23
SPEAKER_02: That's the part, that's the story.
47:25
SPEAKER_00: That's where you gain the strength, right?
47:26
SPEAKER_00: That's that's where you that's where you that's the grit, the resilience, the ability to handle sometimes unfairness, sometimes just humanity, you know, like the hu the humanity that this is part of life.
47:42
SPEAKER_00: If you're constantly trying to fix things, then your kid is not equipped for life.
47:48
SPEAKER_01: That's right.
47:49
SPEAKER_01: That's right.
47:50
SPEAKER_02: It really is the hardest part about parenting, though, you have to admit, is that letting is like sitting back and watching them go through.
47:56
SPEAKER_02: And my son made a decision a few years ago that I wasn't uh a fan of, but I knew that I couldn't get in the way.
48:04
SPEAKER_02: I knew I couldn't get it.
48:05
SPEAKER_02: It wasn't a terrible decision, but I knew I couldn't get in the way of it because it was something that he had to do to come out of it on the other side.
48:14
SPEAKER_02: And I I'll often say to him, even through the most difficult times in your life, you're telling this is your story.
48:23
SPEAKER_02: This is what you're gonna tell yourself that you did, or that you're gonna tell your children that you did.
48:28
SPEAKER_02: But don't interrupt the story of their life as it unfolds.
48:32
SPEAKER_02: So, but it is really rough, really is rough.
48:35
SPEAKER_02: Here's another powerful quote.
48:37
SPEAKER_02: And I know I'm giving away your best lines.
48:40
SPEAKER_02: Sorry.
48:41
SPEAKER_00: Well, every time you read it, we're like, wow, I wrote that.
48:43
SPEAKER_00: I wrote pretty good stuff.
48:46
SPEAKER_02: Um, I believe we are largely powerless as parents over so many things and can't possibly protect our kids from some of life's challenges.
48:56
SPEAKER_02: As much as we'd like to shield them from any unhappy circumstances, these are their life lessons to learn.
49:04
SPEAKER_02: I love how honest and real that statement is.
49:08
SPEAKER_02: It's, and like I said, it's probably one of the most difficult parts of being a parent to accept that we can't shield our children from life's challenges, that we can only stand beside them as they make their own path.
49:22
SPEAKER_02: So how do you help parents find the courage to step back, trust the process, support their children, but without trying to control the outcome?
49:34
SPEAKER_00: I've seen it happen in my own life.
49:36
SPEAKER_00: I've seen it happen in the people I've worked with.
49:38
SPEAKER_00: And ask yourself at the end of the day, what do I want for my son or daughter?
49:43
SPEAKER_00: Do I want them to not be equipped to handle life?
49:47
SPEAKER_00: Because I'm a deterrent.
49:49
SPEAKER_00: If I'm if I'm fixing, rescuing, not allowing the consequences to play out, you're like enabling them to continue to not be equipped for what life might bring to them, very likely will bring to them.
50:03
SPEAKER_00: You're not going to be able to fix everything.
50:06
SPEAKER_01: Right.
50:07
SPEAKER_01: Right.
50:07
SPEAKER_00: Our job is not to fix everything.
50:11
SPEAKER_00: Our job is to emotionally support them in the process of their learning about life and their choices that they're making.
50:20
SPEAKER_00: It's their life.
50:21
SPEAKER_00: It's not yours to live your agenda through.
50:25
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
50:26
SPEAKER_02: Let's talk about your mission statement to spread the movement of parenting with our children rather than over them.
50:35
SPEAKER_02: Can you elaborate on this for the listener?
50:37
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like I said earlier, we've had generations where it's what's called the dominant parenting paradigm, right?
50:44
SPEAKER_00: The parent is here, the child is here.
50:47
SPEAKER_00: When kids are little and they've been in this paradigm and then they become parents themselves, they're like, I'm the parent now.
50:55
SPEAKER_00: And part of that I think comes from maybe being hurt or not emotionally supported or not being heard as a child.
51:04
SPEAKER_00: Then they get into the adult parent role and they're like, I'm the parent now.
51:09
SPEAKER_00: It's like a, like a, I don't know, control thing, or like, you know, they felt controlled when they were younger or when they were little.
51:19
SPEAKER_00: And so now they're in that role and they like being there.
51:23
SPEAKER_00: And that's not helpful.
51:25
SPEAKER_00: We, if you want to develop a mutually trusted, respectful relationship within your family members, that comes from modeling and showing them what that looks like, not from demanding it or can trying to control them into respecting you.
51:44
SPEAKER_02: Right.
51:45
SPEAKER_02: I think there's a shift when that happens.
51:48
SPEAKER_02: I think, and we both come from the same kind of school of thought where when they're younger, we have to parent over them.
51:56
SPEAKER_00: But then you're in a more, yes, you're they're more dependent on you.
52:00
SPEAKER_00: You are leading them, you are teaching them for sure.
52:04
SPEAKER_00: As they grow older and their personalities develop and they're, you know, you have to do what's age appropriate, right?
52:12
SPEAKER_00: It's it's an age appropriate thing.
52:14
SPEAKER_00: But even though their brains aren't fully developed until the mid-20s, or now they're pushing it back to maybe in the later 20s.
52:22
SPEAKER_00: Um, by the time they're 18, 20, 22, 24 years of age, you have to step back.
52:30
SPEAKER_00: You are no longer in a position of being teacher or controlling.
52:36
SPEAKER_00: And the more you try and stay in that role, the more they dig in.
52:41
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
52:42
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
52:42
SPEAKER_01: You can start to see the the change in them.
52:46
SPEAKER_01: Right?
52:46
SPEAKER_00: You can you can if you Yeah, they don't want to be controlled, they don't want to be told what to do.
52:51
SPEAKER_00: So the more you stick with that method of trying to them, the more banging of the head you're going to be doing.
53:00
SPEAKER_00: So, what makes sense at this point?
53:02
SPEAKER_00: What makes sense is coming up alongside of them, parenting with them, inviting them into the solution to the problem with collaborative problem solving instead of always trying to find the right consequence for a 24-year-old who what consequence you know do can you give them aside from you need to leave home?
53:25
SPEAKER_02: And this is really for parents that are actually at that stage where you were.
53:29
SPEAKER_02: Is there anything you would have done differently?
53:33
SPEAKER_00: Things happen for a reason.
53:36
SPEAKER_00: I don't think it's helpful to live with regrets about what you could have done or should have done differently.
53:46
SPEAKER_00: The advice that I would maybe give a parent or my younger self is you had coming parenting from a space of love and trust and confidence and respect for the human that is your son or daughter rather than fear because fear is definitely gonna disconnect, and fear is less than helpful in a situation like this.
54:20
SPEAKER_00: That's good advice.
54:22
SPEAKER_02: It's it's really good advice.
54:25
SPEAKER_02: And I know it's a tough question because Yeah, Mike.
54:29
SPEAKER_00: I know for sure the answer is that I don't, I really don't, I don't want to have any regrets in my life.
54:36
SPEAKER_00: I really don't.
54:37
SPEAKER_02: Let's leave it on this positive note.
54:39
SPEAKER_02: What's one message or the message that you want parents to take away from your book or even from the conversation that we've had today?
54:48
SPEAKER_02: I like leaving things on a positive note rather than that last question.
54:53
SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes.
54:54
SPEAKER_00: So what I want to leave parents with is a deep thought and something to really ponder.
55:00
SPEAKER_00: Our children come through us, not for us, except for the lessons they reflect to us during their journey in an effort to grow us up along the way.
55:14
SPEAKER_00: So I will often ask parents, what is this situation that you're in trying to teach you?
55:23
SPEAKER_02: I love that.
55:24
SPEAKER_02: I want to thank you for writing your memoir, for sharing your story.
55:29
SPEAKER_02: I'm sure that it was not easy to be that vulnerable.
55:33
SPEAKER_02: It just and and by you doing that, it made me feel so much closer to you.
55:37
SPEAKER_02: Um, I love your book.
55:39
SPEAKER_02: And I must say that Nick, as well as your other children, are really lucky to have you.
55:43
SPEAKER_02: You're such an amazing mom.
55:46
SPEAKER_02: I mean, you've done so much work on yourself.
55:48
SPEAKER_02: So that's really part of it that having, you know, do the work makes you a better parent.
55:55
SPEAKER_02: So I'm and I'm sure that they appreciate that.
55:58
SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna leave a link, uh, where to find Becoming Me While Raising You.
56:03
SPEAKER_02: Great title, by the way, um, in the show notes.
56:06
SPEAKER_02: And honestly, I hope to have you back again on this podcast.
56:09
SPEAKER_02: I feel like we have so much more to talk about, but we had to start with the book.
56:14
SPEAKER_00: And I am happy to come back anytime.
56:17
SPEAKER_00: And I appreciate the depth of your questions and um helping me think about things in a different way too.
56:26
SPEAKER_00: I appreciate that a lot.
56:28
SPEAKER_02: Thank you so much.
56:30
SPEAKER_02: I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood.
56:40
SPEAKER_02: If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
56:46
SPEAKER_02: Leaving a five-star review helps us reach more parents who are dealing with the same issues.
56:51
SPEAKER_02: And if there's something you want to ask me, I invite you to join Launch Advice, my weekly publication where I answer one question from parents just like you.
57:00
SPEAKER_02: It's free advice that will appear in your inbox probably when you need it the most.
57:04
SPEAKER_02: Just click Launch Advice in the show notes and don't forget to email me your confidential question.
57:10
SPEAKER_02: And remember, no one ever said parenting is easy, especially when you're raising an adult.
57:15
SPEAKER_02: Talk to you soon.