Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 52, Season 1: The Little Ways We Show Up for Our Partners

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Episode 52, Season 1: The Little Ways We Show Up for Our Partners · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love Dog Podcast.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: I am your co host Raina Butcher here with our host,
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: doctor Sarah Hensley.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: What's up? What's up?
• 0:15
  Speaker 3: Oh man, not much, just got back from Key West.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: I know you're like you and Donald are like little traveling,
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: little traveling. I love Yah got the travel bug.
• 0:23
  Speaker 3: We do.
• 0:24
  Speaker 4: We we have to, yeah, because our house is so
• 0:27
  Speaker 4: chaotic that if we don't actually leave then there's no peace. Well,
• 0:33
  Speaker 4: and you work a lot, yeah, I work a ton,
• 0:35
  Speaker 4: and I mean we love our chaos. We love it,
• 0:38
  Speaker 4: but sometimes like you need a.
• 0:40
  Speaker 3: Break, You just need a break.
• 0:41
  Speaker 4: You have to be able to step away as a
• 0:42
  Speaker 4: couple and breathe, because there's there's always a child like everywhere,
• 0:48
  Speaker 4: and we love our kids so much. That is not
• 0:50
  Speaker 4: saying we don't love our kids, but it is I've
• 0:53
  Speaker 4: experienced it.
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: Oh.
• 0:54
  Speaker 3: I know, You're come over to our house and you're like,
• 0:56
  Speaker 3: oh my gosh.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because you know, you talk to me about it often,
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: and then sometimes I'm like, why is there not texting
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: me immediately back?
• 1:05
  Speaker 4: You know?
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: But then I go over to your house and I
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: see the chaos firsthand, and I'm like, Okay, I get it. Yeah,
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: And then you have fifty other million things, you know,
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: coming at you at once. On.
• 1:14
  Speaker 3: Yes, I just feel like like stuff flies at me.
• 1:17
  Speaker 4: Yeah. It feels like like I'm constantly like trying to
• 1:20
  Speaker 4: catch balls that are just flying at me.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: You know, it's hard, It's hard.
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: I mean, that's just the state of I think, having
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: a big family and running a successful business.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: Yes, you're a boss witch, You're a boss bitch.
• 1:33
  Speaker 3: The key West.
• 1:33
  Speaker 4: You know, it's it sounds like a great decision and
• 1:36
  Speaker 4: then you go and it is. It is a blast.
• 1:39
  Speaker 4: It is and people that have been to Key West
• 1:41
  Speaker 4: are going to chuckle at this. But you should schedule
• 1:43
  Speaker 4: a recovery day.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: Afterwards, for sure.
• 1:45
  Speaker 4: I never do that, yeah, because I always have to
• 1:48
  Speaker 4: have my coaching days, you know, and then I have
• 1:51
  Speaker 4: like a break, and so I schedule it on my
• 1:54
  Speaker 4: vacation when I have a break, but then the very
• 1:55
  Speaker 4: next day I have to start working.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: You only have a very small window.
• 1:58
  Speaker 4: I do.
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: I do because you coach in a smaller window I do.
• 2:02
  Speaker 4: And people book out so far right now. Gosh, people
• 2:05
  Speaker 4: have been like, oh my gosh, you're booked out till
• 2:06
  Speaker 4: the end of June, and I'm like, I'm.
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: Sorry, it's an awesome problem to have, I know.
• 2:10
  Speaker 4: But then I almost feel like gosh, like people that
• 2:14
  Speaker 4: are hurting, you know, they want resolve quickly. And Elizabeth
• 2:18
  Speaker 4: has booked out too, but we are interviewing new coaches,
• 2:22
  Speaker 4: so that is very exciting, so we can.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: Sorry, guys, I'm not coming back.
• 2:26
  Speaker 4: And right is like, I am a master at marketing
• 2:32
  Speaker 4: and sales and so I am going.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: To exactly where I should be.
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: And even the idea of coaching makes my nervous system
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: kind of tingle.
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: A little bit. So it's just it's very hard.
• 2:43
  Speaker 4: It's hard, and some days it does take a tone
• 2:45
  Speaker 4: on me, like just hearing the pain that people have
• 2:49
  Speaker 4: experienced in their lives, and you know, of course the
• 2:51
  Speaker 4: fearful avoidant in me has that hyper empathy, and so
• 2:55
  Speaker 4: I feel it in my body sometimes too, especially if
• 2:58
  Speaker 4: it's trauma similar to the trauma that I've had. That's
• 3:01
  Speaker 4: the most disregulating thing for me. So when people are like, well,
• 3:04
  Speaker 4: you know, my husband was an addict, or my husband
• 3:08
  Speaker 4: died or overdose or something like that, and I'm just like, yeah, no,
• 3:11
  Speaker 4: I can really empathize with you there, you know, And
• 3:14
  Speaker 4: that's what I struggled.
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: I struggled with what was going on with in my body.
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: Like I'd have to sit like for like thirty minutes
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: before a call and like try to get my you know,
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: wits about me, you know, sit in like silence or
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: you know, do a meditation, do some breath work before
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: I would even go into a coaching session. And then
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: after the coaching session, I would need another thirty minutes
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: just to recover.
• 3:38
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and it may have Yeah.
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: It may have gotten better if I'd stuck with it,
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: you know, past the three month mark. But it doesn't
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: matter now because we found my place and it's a
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: better fit. And sometimes that's just the way it works out, right,
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: Like you have to find where your best fit is.
• 3:54
  Speaker 4: So because you have that background in psychology, in psychology
• 3:58
  Speaker 4: is such a broad discipline, so you have, you know,
• 4:00
  Speaker 4: the psychology degree, but also a lot of your work
• 4:05
  Speaker 4: experience has been in market like industrial and organizational psychology.
• 4:10
  Speaker 4: So the iopsychology field and what you're doing right now
• 4:13
  Speaker 4: is really iopsychology.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: So it is.
• 4:16
  Speaker 4: Yeah, it's just it's where your heart is meant to be.
• 4:19
  Speaker 4: And my goodness of the numbers speak for themselves.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: So I'm very thankful for you I'm thankful too.
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: So Here we Are it's the last episode of season one.
• 4:30
  Speaker 3: Guys, Oh wish we did it.
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: We did it.
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: It feels crazy, Like I was thinking about it this
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: one and as I was getting ready because just for
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: our listeners, our loyal listeners, guys, when we were just
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: kind of like, hey, like you want.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: To do a podcast? I think this is how all
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: podcasts are born. But it's like, hey, you want to
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: do a podcast?
• 4:46
  Speaker 4: Maybe?
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: And then like we tried to set it up in
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: Sarah's bedroom and it was a complete and total cluster disaster,
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: and so we were like, well maybe we if we're
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: going to do it, we should do it right right,
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: And then it was born and it was just it
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: was kind of this evolution of it was like born
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: in in a day and then yeah, because we were like, well,
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: what are we gonna call it? And that's kind of
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: how the Love Doc. The Love Doc title or brand
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: evolved actually from the podcast idea. And so here we
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: Are episode fifty two, last episode of season one, and
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: it is titled The Tiny Ways We Show Up for
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: Our Partners.
• 5:23
  Speaker 4: Yes, And this is something that I have to get
• 5:27
  Speaker 4: into in my hybrid program a lot because there are
• 5:30
  Speaker 4: a lot of questions around how can I meet my
• 5:33
  Speaker 4: partner's needs, Like I feel like I don't know what
• 5:35
  Speaker 4: my partner's needs are, and I feel like I'm always
• 5:37
  Speaker 4: just trying to guess, and if I get it wrong,
• 5:39
  Speaker 4: then you know, they feel like I should have known better.
• 5:43
  Speaker 4: And the of course, the attachment style that struggles with
• 5:46
  Speaker 4: this the most is the dismissive avoidant because they have
• 5:49
  Speaker 4: those proverbial blinders on where their reticular activating system and
• 5:54
  Speaker 4: their brain which is your attention system has become developed
• 5:58
  Speaker 4: to be very self focused and self directed.
• 6:00
  Speaker 3: So they are very.
• 6:02
  Speaker 4: Tunnel vision type people in terms of tunnel vision around
• 6:05
  Speaker 4: their own needs and their own life. So they really
• 6:07
  Speaker 4: struggle to sort of look around and tune into their partner.
• 6:10
  Speaker 4: I mean, they struggle with a tunement. And part of
• 6:11
  Speaker 4: what a tune it is is tuning in right, and
• 6:15
  Speaker 4: so they feel very clueless about how to meet their
• 6:17
  Speaker 4: partner's needs. And so a lot of what I have
• 6:20
  Speaker 4: to talk about is like, well, how do you do that?
• 6:22
  Speaker 4: And so for individuals who struggle with it, it has
• 6:25
  Speaker 4: to be intentional work. You have to make time to
• 6:28
  Speaker 4: stop and literally look around and make some assessments, and
• 6:35
  Speaker 4: you know, I always go back to the example. And
• 6:36
  Speaker 4: I know I mentioned it in a previous pod, but
• 6:39
  Speaker 4: we have new listeners every day, right yea. But just
• 6:41
  Speaker 4: like one of the things that my husband did, I'd
• 6:44
  Speaker 4: never had a stocking before ever. A lot of moms don't,
• 6:48
  Speaker 4: I know, and listen husbands.
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: It goes a long way.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, I fill your.
• 6:53
  Speaker 4: Wife's Christmas stocking if everybody else is stocking is full
• 6:58
  Speaker 4: and hers is empty. That I went through that for
• 7:01
  Speaker 4: so many years, it's heartbreaking, you know, because it's like
• 7:05
  Speaker 4: your kids are like, well, why didn't stand to bring
• 7:07
  Speaker 4: you anything?
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: And Ell did the whole skit on. You know, I
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: got a robe.
• 7:11
  Speaker 4: Nothing im a stocking, but I got a robe, right,
• 7:15
  Speaker 4: And so my husband he didn't really know what to
• 7:18
  Speaker 4: put in my stocking, but before Christmas, he just I
• 7:21
  Speaker 4: have this big, like three tiered shelf in my bathroom
• 7:23
  Speaker 4: where we need to remodel our bathroom.
• 7:26
  Speaker 3: That's a whole DiffR story.
• 7:26
  Speaker 4: But we don't really have much storage space, so I
• 7:29
  Speaker 4: bought this like big shelf thing and it's full to
• 7:31
  Speaker 4: the max, to the point where you know, we love
• 7:34
  Speaker 4: beauty products. We have too many products and things are
• 7:36
  Speaker 4: like falling off. But he started paying attention to like, well,
• 7:39
  Speaker 4: what does she use off of that shelf? Not just
• 7:42
  Speaker 4: what's on the shelf, but what does she use on
• 7:43
  Speaker 4: that shelf? And like was what was landing on the counter?
• 7:47
  Speaker 4: He said, I just started looking smart and so I
• 7:50
  Speaker 4: got like Charlotte Tillbury magic cream and like perfume and
• 7:56
  Speaker 4: just all these things that he just noticed what was
• 8:00
  Speaker 4: on the bathroom counter, right, and that's what he put
• 8:04
  Speaker 4: in my stocking, and it's it's that was a tiny
• 8:07
  Speaker 4: way to say I've paid attention, I've collected the data,
• 8:13
  Speaker 4: and I'm going to use that data to then try
• 8:16
  Speaker 4: to meet a need. And in that case it was gifts,
• 8:19
  Speaker 4: but we can use this information to meet lots of
• 8:21
  Speaker 4: our partner's needs. Physical touch, you know, and this is
• 8:27
  Speaker 4: such an area of contention between partners who have whose
• 8:31
  Speaker 4: you know, one partner's love language is physical touch and
• 8:33
  Speaker 4: another partner's is definitely not. And they feel like, well,
• 8:39
  Speaker 4: if I touch my partner, then maybe it's going to
• 8:41
  Speaker 4: lead to something sexual, and I don't necessarily and you know,
• 8:43
  Speaker 4: I'm not in the mood for that, so I just
• 8:45
  Speaker 4: don't even try.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: I think a lot of women struggle with that.
• 8:47
  Speaker 3: They do.
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: I know I struggled with that in my relationship with
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: with JP's dad.
• 8:52
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I was just I just it was awful. Yeah,
• 8:54
  Speaker 4: that they were going to take it. And so this
• 8:56
  Speaker 4: is a pro tip for couples out there. You know,
• 9:00
  Speaker 4: I'm not going to say necessarily that it's always a
• 9:02
  Speaker 4: man issue. I think it happens more with men, but
• 9:05
  Speaker 4: I think it can probably go either way. I know
• 9:08
  Speaker 4: some pretty h sex driven women, you know, the women
• 9:11
  Speaker 4: that have high sex drives, they exist too. But I
• 9:15
  Speaker 4: think that if every time your partner touches you, if
• 9:18
  Speaker 4: you try to take it all the way, your partner's
• 9:20
  Speaker 4: going to stop touching you. Yes, because especially women do
• 9:24
  Speaker 4: need non sexual affection. Yeah, And so if you're the
• 9:29
  Speaker 4: woman though, and you have a husband like that, try
• 9:32
  Speaker 4: to think of some small short ways that you can
• 9:35
  Speaker 4: give physical affection where it's not going to lead into that, right,
• 9:40
  Speaker 4: Like like just maybe squeezing their arm when they walk
• 9:44
  Speaker 4: you walk by them, right.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: Or if they're washing the dishes, like patting their back
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: right so much?
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: Yes, exactly right.
• 9:52
  Speaker 4: And so there are lots of different ways that we
• 9:54
  Speaker 4: can meet needs that can be really small, but those
• 9:58
  Speaker 4: really small things very much. Add Yeah, in a relationship
• 10:02
  Speaker 4: big time. I mean I think they are the especially
• 10:04
  Speaker 4: the longer you're together. Yes, because like grandiose big things
• 10:08
  Speaker 4: that people may do in the beginning one sometimes it
• 10:11
  Speaker 4: feels a little ichy, but it's the small things that
• 10:14
  Speaker 4: make you really feel seen.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: Mm hmm.
• 10:18
  Speaker 3: And I heard something pretty profound on TikTok.
• 10:20
  Speaker 4: Of course it was some guy which I could give
• 10:24
  Speaker 4: him credit, and I'm sorry I can't because I don't remember,
• 10:28
  Speaker 4: but he said that, you know, life is just made
• 10:30
  Speaker 4: up of little moments of now. Yeah, like the past
• 10:33
  Speaker 4: doesn't exist, future hasn't been written yet. Life is all
• 10:37
  Speaker 4: just little moments of now. And success in any area,
• 10:41
  Speaker 4: which I think includes your romantic relationship, is what are
• 10:44
  Speaker 4: you doing in the little moments of now? Are you
• 10:46
  Speaker 4: doom scrolling on your phone or are you up being productive?
• 10:50
  Speaker 4: Because we can have this mentality, well i'm gonna do this,
• 10:53
  Speaker 4: I'm gonna do it right, right, But then what about now?
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 11:00
  Speaker 4: Yeah?
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: Because all we have is now, that's right.
• 11:02
  Speaker 4: So if you keep i'm gonna do it, I'm gonna
• 11:04
  Speaker 4: do it right, then you really never get around to it.
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: It's an ongoing argument with Josh and me because I
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: have lots of projects and I'm a doer man.
• 11:13
  Speaker 3: I am a doer.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: I am a doer. I want to like if I've
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: got free time.
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: Now, I mean, of course there's I respect downtime and
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: and Josh has a stressful job and he works long
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: hours and so I I want to honor that too.
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: But like, if it's a pretty weekend, like I want
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: to be out in the yard getting my hands dirty,
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: the same too. Yeah, I want to be getting my
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: hands dirty. I want to be doing projects. I want
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: to be making you know, I want to be creating something.
• 11:39
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: And Josh is kind of like, oh, you know, he'll
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: get kind of like the other day I was like, hey,
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: it's gonna beautiful this weekend, Like let's get out here
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: in this backyard because it's a cluster from the chickens
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: destroying it.
• 11:51
  Speaker 3: Everything always comes back to the chicken.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: They're destructive guys.
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: They are completely destructive, something of course that I didn't
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: know before I got him. But I I'm like, like
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: this excites me right, Like I'm like Josh is like.
• 12:03
  Speaker 3: Oh, so what would be me and Donald in the yard.
• 12:06
  Speaker 4: Donald's been out in the yard all week and pulling
• 12:09
  Speaker 4: up that the rose bushes that died because I'm the
• 12:11
  Speaker 4: one that wanted rock all around the landscaping, and he's like,
• 12:14
  Speaker 4: things can't grow in rocks, So like a lot of
• 12:17
  Speaker 4: the rose bushes died anyway, and I'm just like, but
• 12:20
  Speaker 4: I don't want to get out there and do it.
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah. See, I'm a.
• 12:23
  Speaker 4: Doer in different ways. I'm I'm a cleaner and I'm
• 12:25
  Speaker 4: an organizer. And so if we apply this to loving
• 12:29
  Speaker 4: your partner, right, I think you need to be a
• 12:33
  Speaker 4: good sport and participate sometimes both ways. So love is
• 12:37
  Speaker 4: very reciprocal. It should not ever be one sided. And
• 12:42
  Speaker 4: so you're both gonna have to concede and it should
• 12:45
  Speaker 4: ebb and it should flow if who gets their way.
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: And who doesn't get their way? Right.
• 12:49
  Speaker 4: So if Donald's like, I really want to work in
• 12:51
  Speaker 4: the yard today and I might not really feel like it,
• 12:54
  Speaker 4: he would be very understanding. If I was like, Babe,
• 12:56
  Speaker 4: I just need to like lay down yeah a while,
• 12:58
  Speaker 4: he'd be like, okay, But I think it would excite
• 13:01
  Speaker 4: him and make him feel good.
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: If I was like, all right, let's do it, and
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: I put.
• 13:04
  Speaker 4: On my lot doing projects with my husband and let's
• 13:07
  Speaker 4: do it right, except we would get interrupted by our
• 13:10
  Speaker 4: kids fifty eleven times.
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: Dad.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, see, I would.
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: And I feel like if Josh was like, hey, you know, honey,
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: I just need a day to just relax, because, like
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: I said, he works twelve hour shifts, I'd be like,
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: totally fine, because sometimes when I do these projects by myself,
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: I get a lot more done I'm uninterrupted. So but
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: I do think that what's really important is allowing I
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: think this is a more like husband to female thing.
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: And we were talking about this on the way here.
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: Something I struggle with, and that's something that I think
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: a lot of females struggle with because we feel.
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: Like we have to do it all because we are
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: such doers.
• 13:53
  Speaker 4: And I've probably been in relationships where we've had to
• 13:55
  Speaker 4: be the door. Yeah, both of us have been in
• 13:57
  Speaker 4: that situation.
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: I still struggle allowing Josh to come in and take
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: some of those things off my plate with confidence and trust, right,
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: And I want to be able to do that because
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: these are things that make him feel confident when I can,
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: you know, when I let when I trust him, when
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: I trust that he's going to take care of certain.
• 14:15
  Speaker 4: Things, Yes, exactly, and Donald and I just had this
• 14:19
  Speaker 4: big conversation the other night. He was like, please let
• 14:23
  Speaker 4: me do things for you because I will say I
• 14:26
  Speaker 4: got it. I'm fine, I got you know. And I've
• 14:29
  Speaker 4: learned to get a lot better about things that seem obvious,
• 14:33
  Speaker 4: like if I'm carrying a heavy thing and he's like, no,
• 14:35
  Speaker 4: let me get that, I'll give it to him right right.
• 14:37
  Speaker 4: But when it comes to things like, okay, so I
• 14:42
  Speaker 4: screwed up. And if you've ever had a child on accutane,
• 14:46
  Speaker 4: it is the biggest pain in the butt on the
• 14:48
  Speaker 4: face of the earth if you have a female on accutane,
• 14:51
  Speaker 4: because they have to take a pregnancy fails.
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: Have to do it too, honey. They have Yes, they do.
• 14:55
  Speaker 4: The blood work, but they don't take pregnancy test because
• 14:58
  Speaker 4: they can't get pregnant.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: I know, but they so have to. I swear they
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: still would. They would still do it. When JP was
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: on accutane.
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: They have to pee in a cup like.
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: Okay, so maybe okay, maybe it's not an actual I
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: know men can't get pregnant, but I felt like, I
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: feel like JP and I had this.
• 15:13
  Speaker 4: They do work like every two months, yes for acutane. Okay,
• 15:17
  Speaker 4: but but for the females, they have to do it
• 15:20
  Speaker 4: every they have to do you're in pregnancy test every Thursday, okay,
• 15:24
  Speaker 4: and then you only have a seven day window to
• 15:25
  Speaker 4: get the prescription. So this is like the second time
• 15:28
  Speaker 4: I've messed this up. So I take her to the dermatologist,
• 15:31
  Speaker 4: and my poor child, I had the worst acne grown up,
• 15:34
  Speaker 4: She has had the worst acne. It was so and
• 15:36
  Speaker 4: I know that it came from me. I feel so guilty, right,
• 15:39
  Speaker 4: But I mean, accutane has been a freaking life saver
• 15:43
  Speaker 4: and blessing for her, and so of course I take
• 15:46
  Speaker 4: her to the dermatologists, they do the test. Whatever we
• 15:48
  Speaker 4: were in and out of there, I did the I pledge.
• 15:51
  Speaker 4: You have to get on the computer and you have
• 15:54
  Speaker 4: to promise that you're not going to get pregnant basically,
• 15:56
  Speaker 4: and you have to answer questions right now.
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: Guys do still have to do that?
• 16:00
  Speaker 4: Yeah, they do that too. So we did the eye pledge.
• 16:03
  Speaker 4: But then I went on my trip and I thought,
• 16:07
  Speaker 4: for some reason, I had a ten day window because
• 16:08
  Speaker 4: she still had a bunch left, and so I was like,
• 16:12
  Speaker 4: well'll just pick it up when I get back. It
• 16:14
  Speaker 4: was a seven day window, not a ten day window.
• 16:16
  Speaker 4: So I messed it up, and I literally, I mean,
• 16:20
  Speaker 4: I had a lot of personals, you know, a lot
• 16:21
  Speaker 4: of personal stuff I've had going on lately, and I
• 16:24
  Speaker 4: was exhausted from the trip. And I came back and
• 16:26
  Speaker 4: I found that out, and I just had tears streaming
• 16:28
  Speaker 4: down my face, like, oh my gosh, because we have
• 16:30
  Speaker 4: to take her back and she has to miss school
• 16:33
  Speaker 4: and she does not do well when she misses school,
• 16:35
  Speaker 4: she gets a little bit behind, and oh my gosh.
• 16:38
  Speaker 4: And I felt like such a failure. And he's like, baby,
• 16:40
  Speaker 4: i'll take her tomorrow to get the test and then
• 16:43
  Speaker 4: I'll do that, like I'll go to the pharmacy, like
• 16:46
  Speaker 4: just please let me do it, Like you don't have
• 16:49
  Speaker 4: to cry, because that's one more thing on your plate.
• 16:52
  Speaker 3: Baby, I'm here, I'm going to take care of this.
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: And he did. Yeah, it's huge, huge did.
• 16:58
  Speaker 4: And so I think one of the tiny ways you
• 16:59
  Speaker 4: can show up for your partner in terms of mental load.
• 17:04
  Speaker 4: And of course this is always a conversation around women
• 17:06
  Speaker 4: carrying all the mental load, but I look at marriages
• 17:09
  Speaker 4: like my brother, and I'm sorry if you listen to this,
• 17:11
  Speaker 4: or if his wife listens to this, but my brother's
• 17:14
  Speaker 4: wife travels a lot for work, so she's gone a lot.
• 17:17
  Speaker 4: So the mental load of the house falls on my
• 17:19
  Speaker 4: brother a lot. And so men can experience being the
• 17:22
  Speaker 4: one that carries the mental load. So I just don't
• 17:25
  Speaker 4: want to throw this out here as like a women
• 17:28
  Speaker 4: only problem. But if there is an unequal mental load
• 17:32
  Speaker 4: in your relationship, a tiny ways you can show up
• 17:35
  Speaker 4: for your partner are just taking some of those things
• 17:37
  Speaker 4: off of their plate. But you need to notice, because listen,
• 17:41
  Speaker 4: having to delegate is mental load. And so I hear
• 17:47
  Speaker 4: a lot of times from couples where the other spouse
• 17:49
  Speaker 4: will go, well, I just wanted to tell me what
• 17:51
  Speaker 4: I need to do, and then I'll do it. I'm
• 17:52
  Speaker 4: happy to do it, and then the other spouse goes.
• 17:54
  Speaker 4: But by the time I have to tell you what
• 17:56
  Speaker 4: to do and how to do it and all the instructions,
• 17:59
  Speaker 4: I might as will have just gone and done it myself,
• 18:02
  Speaker 4: right like that. To me, that is part of the
• 18:04
  Speaker 4: mental load. But if you just looked.
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: Around you would see it.
• 18:08
  Speaker 4: You would see it, if you just paid attention, you
• 18:11
  Speaker 4: would see it. And I also get pushed back from
• 18:14
  Speaker 4: clients when they say, well, then when I do do
• 18:16
  Speaker 4: it they're not happy, Well, then that is your partner's problem, right, Yeah,
• 18:19
  Speaker 4: if your partner does it, even if it's not in
• 18:21
  Speaker 4: the way you would do it, you need.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: To just This is where I struggle back.
• 18:24
  Speaker 4: Fuck the you know, wack up and be thankful. That's
• 18:30
  Speaker 4: where you have to relinquish some control. But I think
• 18:32
  Speaker 4: more often than not, one spouse carries the mental load
• 18:37
  Speaker 4: the other spouse does not. And my parents had this
• 18:40
  Speaker 4: same fight for their fifty years of marriage where my
• 18:42
  Speaker 4: dad would say, just make me a list, and my
• 18:44
  Speaker 4: mom would go, I don't want.
• 18:45
  Speaker 3: To have to make you a list.
• 18:46
  Speaker 4: You should be able to look around and see what
• 18:48
  Speaker 4: needs to be done. And I wholeheartedly kind of agree
• 18:52
  Speaker 4: with that. Yeah, Like, although people are not mind readers
• 18:54
  Speaker 4: and they're not gonna be able to get everything, yeah,
• 18:56
  Speaker 4: there's enough that can be done by just looking around
• 18:59
  Speaker 4: and paying attention, tuning in, just tune.
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: I think it is okay to ask sometimes. Of course,
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: it's because I mean, I know, the fearful avoidant. Really
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: they want they want their partner to be a mind reader.
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: And I am so guilty of that me too. And
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: you know, I mean I think.
• 19:20
  Speaker 3: But my husband is a little bit of a mind reader.
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: He Yeah, I think and we've talked about this before too.
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: Donald has this beautiful advantage of being you know, he
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: was a single.
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: Dad for a long time.
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: He had to take inventory of his life in terms
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: of like, okay, oh am, I going to raise this
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: daughter and the son and by myself and feed them
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: and do all these things and taking that initiative. And
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: you know, Josh was just kind of like we've talked
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: about this perpetual bachelor. You know, love you, baby, I
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: love you so much, but you're a mama's boy thrown
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: through and there's no shame in that. I love that
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: about you. I mean, I love the about him. I
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: love that he adores his mother. But you know, I
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: think that he you know, his mother took care of
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: him a lot and did a lot of things for him,
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: and so it's a little bit harder for Josh. He
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: definitely takes the inventory, but it's harder for him to apply.
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And so I think it's okay to ask.
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: And that's where I've had to learn to speak up
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: and say, these are the things I need from you.
• 20:25
  Speaker 3: I think there should be a kind of a mix
• 20:28
  Speaker 3: of both.
• 20:28
  Speaker 4: Yeah, Right, like you can't expect mind reading, but there
• 20:31
  Speaker 4: is some amount of tuning in that I think is beneficial,
• 20:37
  Speaker 4: right because like DA's are totally tuned out. When I
• 20:39
  Speaker 4: mean tuned out, there needs to be a flashing neon
• 20:42
  Speaker 4: red sign above their partner's head saying I have a
• 20:45
  Speaker 4: need yeah, or they they can't pick up on it yeah.
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: And I think life experiences obviously contribute to one's ability
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: to do those certain types of.
• 20:57
  Speaker 4: Things because you can rewire the attention system in your
• 20:59
  Speaker 4: brain if you start being intentional about it. That's what
• 21:02
  Speaker 4: it takes when we want to create automaticity in the brain.
• 21:05
  Speaker 4: And this is so relevant to creating secure attachment. You
• 21:09
  Speaker 4: have to at first stop, be intentional, practice whatever the
• 21:13
  Speaker 4: skill is, and then go back to your business. And
• 21:16
  Speaker 4: so you know, I had this one client that was
• 21:20
  Speaker 4: such a severe DA one time, and what we was
• 21:24
  Speaker 4: a female DA and what we had to do with
• 21:26
  Speaker 4: her And I've done it before with other clients, but
• 21:30
  Speaker 4: with her, she really really, in particular struggled set a
• 21:34
  Speaker 4: timer every hour stop because her and her husband both
• 21:37
  Speaker 4: worked at home. Stop, Go look at what your husband
• 21:41
  Speaker 4: is doing, Go check in on him. Could he use
• 21:44
  Speaker 4: a glass of water? Would he like a cup of coffee.
• 21:47
  Speaker 4: Is it a little cold in the house? You know?
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: Like what little things?
• 21:52
  Speaker 3: Little things? Have the plants been watered?
• 21:56
  Speaker 4: You know?
• 21:56
  Speaker 3: And I'm not just talking about acts of service either.
• 21:58
  Speaker 4: We can apply this to any love language, like in
• 22:02
  Speaker 4: those vallagation and appreciation as thing as you.
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: Just described don't just benefit your partner, they really benefit
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: you to do.
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: They're pretty regulating to the nervous.
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: System if you get up, if you know, because I
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: this can happen to me a lot. I hone in
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: on my work and then I look up and it's
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: three four hours later and I haven't moved, right, So.
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: Being intentional and like in your consciousness in general is
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: just a gift to yourself too.
• 22:29
  Speaker 4: Absolutely, And so for das, you might have to set
• 22:32
  Speaker 4: a timer on your phone every hour and then decide, Okay,
• 22:38
  Speaker 4: I'm going to get up and what is one thing
• 22:40
  Speaker 4: I could do that might be beneficial for my partner
• 22:43
  Speaker 4: in any way, whether it's sending them a text and saying, hey,
• 22:46
  Speaker 4: I'm thinking about you and I love you. Listen, DA's
• 22:48
  Speaker 4: that's not going to kill you, right, It's not going
• 22:51
  Speaker 4: to kill you. And I get so much Why why
• 22:54
  Speaker 4: are they so scared. I know we've probably reviewed this
• 22:57
  Speaker 4: a million times, but why are they?
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: What are they afraid.
• 23:00
  Speaker 4: Of being dependent somebody being dependent on them? I love you,
• 23:06
  Speaker 4: then they're going to expect it all the time, and
• 23:08
  Speaker 4: then if I drop off, then they're going to notice it,
• 23:11
  Speaker 4: and then they're gonna get.
• 23:12
  Speaker 3: Mad at me.
• 23:13
  Speaker 4: So they have a real wound around meeting people's expectations.
• 23:17
  Speaker 4: Expectations to them are a burden. They want to be
• 23:21
  Speaker 4: free of expectation, and of course a lot of us
• 23:24
  Speaker 4: want to be free of expectation, but that shouldn't apply
• 23:28
  Speaker 4: to your partner.
• 23:29
  Speaker 3: You should.
• 23:30
  Speaker 4: You need to go into the relationship knowing that relationships
• 23:33
  Speaker 4: come with expectations and a lot of DA's their blueprint
• 23:38
  Speaker 4: around what those expectations are are work hard, achieve, provide
• 23:45
  Speaker 4: and that's enough, and it's not enough. There is expectation
• 23:50
  Speaker 4: for attunement, intimacy, intimacy, vulnerability, and those are the things
• 23:56
  Speaker 4: that they're not good at, of course, because they I mean,
• 24:00
  Speaker 4: they suppress all of their own emotions, right, and they
• 24:03
  Speaker 4: didn't get attunement as a child. And attunement is something
• 24:06
  Speaker 4: that is largely learned through modeling. So somebody has to
• 24:10
  Speaker 4: attune to you in order for you to know what
• 24:13
  Speaker 4: attunement looks like and to be able to reciprocate that.
• 24:16
  Speaker 4: And when we're in our developmental stages as a child,
• 24:20
  Speaker 4: when someone attunes to you, your mirror neurons start firing,
• 24:23
  Speaker 4: which makes you pick up on what they're giving you, right,
• 24:26
  Speaker 4: And then it makes sort of this imprint of like, oh,
• 24:29
  Speaker 4: this is this is how we treat people, this is
• 24:32
  Speaker 4: what part of closeness is, this is what reciprocity looks like.
• 24:36
  Speaker 4: But then when you are deprived of that attunement, and it,
• 24:40
  Speaker 4: like I always say, it looks so benevolent. In childhood,
• 24:44
  Speaker 4: das almost never know that they're emotionally neglected. It looks
• 24:48
  Speaker 4: so benevolent. Can be like, oh, well, calm down, you're okay, right, right,
• 24:52
  Speaker 4: But that's not a tunement that's being dismissed. And so
• 24:55
  Speaker 4: they don't learn attunement. They didn't have a parent that went, oh,
• 25:00
  Speaker 4: I see you're really upset. Let's let's come over here
• 25:02
  Speaker 4: and let's let's talk about it a minute. What's hurting
• 25:05
  Speaker 4: what's hurting you? What's going on? I understand that? Okay,
• 25:09
  Speaker 4: you know? And where are you feeling it?
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 25:12
  Speaker 4: You know, or I can understand why that would make
• 25:14
  Speaker 4: you feel that way. You know, what can I do
• 25:16
  Speaker 4: to be here for your better? Right?
• 25:19
  Speaker 3: How can I be here for you right now? What
• 25:21
  Speaker 3: would feel the best?
• 25:22
  Speaker 4: Those are examples of verbal emotional attainment. And they never
• 25:27
  Speaker 4: got any of that.
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, not even a smidge of it.
• 25:31
  Speaker 4: Right, And then they get usually with the partner that
• 25:33
  Speaker 4: needs it the most, which is the fearful avoidant right, well,
• 25:36
  Speaker 4: anxious preoccupies too, but anxious preoccupied.
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: I was just about to bring up the anxious preoccupied
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: because when it comes to the tiny things that we
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: do for our partners, I feel like sometimes aps do
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: too much.
• 25:49
  Speaker 3: They do way too much.
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: So there it's like overboard, right.
• 25:53
  Speaker 4: They are the attachment that will go overboard for their
• 25:56
  Speaker 4: partner because their focus is always on partner.
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: Let me give you a good example. My precious little
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: AP son. He I've caught him multiple times putting on
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: his girlfriend's shoes.
• 26:12
  Speaker 4: And I just want to be like hand to palm
• 26:13
  Speaker 4: right now. Although yeah, maybe every once in a while
• 26:16
  Speaker 4: that's a little sweet.
• 26:17
  Speaker 3: Gesture, yeah if she's nine months pregnant.
• 26:20
  Speaker 4: Yeah, But then like when it comes to be like okay,
• 26:22
  Speaker 4: time to put my shoes on.
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: Right, It's like, well, and I think about I think
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: about like as a female. Even maybe when I was
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: seventeen years old, if my boyfriend would have offered to
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: do that for me, I'd have been like, this feels
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: like too much, Like this.
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: Feels a little overbored.
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: And you know, I've tried to give him some grace
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: in it because I'm like, you know, relationships all take
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: on different forms in terms of, you know, things that
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: you do for each other, and you know, if that's
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: something that's important for Jessica for you to put her
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: shoes on her, Okay, but watching it from a mother's
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: viewpoint or a parent's viewpoint, yeah, it's face to palm girl.
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: That's the only thing I can say. It's likely the
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: mother of.
• 27:07
  Speaker 3: A son because you're just like, aw dang, it's too much.
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's it gives simp. It gives simp.
• 27:15
  Speaker 4: Vibes, right, I mean, and like I said, every once
• 27:18
  Speaker 4: in a while is a cute gesture. Okay, I'll give
• 27:20
  Speaker 4: it to you, right, But you're like, no, this is
• 27:22
  Speaker 4: like sort of a little bit more on the rag.
• 27:24
  Speaker 4: And it's like, come on, now, you are not like
• 27:28
  Speaker 4: a slave to sund right, and aps really act like
• 27:32
  Speaker 4: slaves to their partners because they will give and give
• 27:35
  Speaker 4: and give and give and give and give and give
• 27:37
  Speaker 4: and give until they're blue in the face, because they
• 27:41
  Speaker 4: know that that's a secure way to have connection when
• 27:44
  Speaker 4: they're giving and listen, when one partner's a giver, the
• 27:46
  Speaker 4: other one will be the taker. And usually, you know,
• 27:50
  Speaker 4: the AP's attracted to the DA and they will take
• 27:53
  Speaker 4: and take and take and take and take and take
• 27:54
  Speaker 4: and take.
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: And then Jessica's definitely FA who leans dismissive.
• 27:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean if he's the taker, yeah, And.
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: I sure, and I say that, I mean, I don't
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: think that they would ever listen to this, or her
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: mother would ever listen. But in the event that they
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: ever did, like, I send grace to her. I mean,
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: she's a seventeen year old girl who's trying to find
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: her way, you know, And you know, relationships is one
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: way that we do that, all.
• 28:19
  Speaker 4: Right, And that's why the ebb and flow of reciprocity
• 28:23
  Speaker 4: in the tiny ways we show up for our partner
• 28:26
  Speaker 4: is so crucial. Because an AP will overgive, a DA
• 28:30
  Speaker 4: will undergive. Fas can kind of go either way. Fays
• 28:33
  Speaker 4: do tend most of the time though, to kind of overgive.
• 28:38
  Speaker 4: But the ones that lean more dismissive, yeah, they can
• 28:41
  Speaker 4: be the takers if they're with someone more anxious, right, right,
• 28:44
  Speaker 4: If Jessica was with a DA, she'd probably probably give,
• 28:48
  Speaker 4: you know, but she has I mean, JP, we've seen it.
• 28:51
  Speaker 3: He's at her beck and call, you know.
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: For everything, for everything, everything.
• 28:56
  Speaker 3: And I can only imagine how You're just.
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: Like, oh, no, it's been difficult.
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: It's been very difficult. I mean, you know, it's been
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: very difficult to watch. And then you know, but there's
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: this part of me that I'm trying to submit to
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: that this is you know, he's an autonomous human being
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: and he has to find Yeah, he is. He'll be
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: nineteen this year, and he has to find his own way.
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: And the more I push to try to get him
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: to see what I'm seeing, it just pushes him further away.
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: Sure, and so and.
• 29:28
  Speaker 3: Natural consequences are the best teachers.
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, pain.
• 29:31
  Speaker 3: Pain is the best the best teacher.
• 29:34
  Speaker 4: And we are all as human beings running around trying
• 29:37
  Speaker 4: to avoid pain when actually pain is a freaking amazing teacher.
• 29:41
  Speaker 4: It is like I had a very very difficult moment
• 29:47
  Speaker 4: or I should say series of moments with my mom,
• 29:51
  Speaker 4: and she's probably gonna listen to this and she's gonna
• 29:52
  Speaker 4: get probably even more mat me.
• 29:54
  Speaker 3: But that's okay.
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: I love you, Joanne.
• 29:56
  Speaker 3: I love you Joanne.
• 29:57
  Speaker 4: We do. But I you know, I had to. I
• 30:04
  Speaker 4: experienced a ton of pain. It was a very, very
• 30:06
  Speaker 4: painful situation, and I really made an effort to sit
• 30:11
  Speaker 4: in that pain. I was like, I'm not going to
• 30:13
  Speaker 4: push this away. I'm not going to tell myself the
• 30:16
  Speaker 4: negative stories though, I'm not going to do it, but
• 30:19
  Speaker 4: I am going to allow this pain to fully manifest
• 30:23
  Speaker 4: because there were some things that I needed to come
• 30:27
  Speaker 4: back and apologize for that.
• 30:29
  Speaker 3: I was really.
• 30:29
  Speaker 4: Unaware that because of who my mom is, this would
• 30:35
  Speaker 4: have hurt her. Right, it wouldn't have hurt me, but
• 30:40
  Speaker 4: it hurt her. And so but my pain allowed me
• 30:45
  Speaker 4: to not be prideful. And sometimes it goes in the
• 30:49
  Speaker 4: other direction. For people when they have internalized shame, the
• 30:53
  Speaker 4: shame pushes.
• 30:54
  Speaker 3: Their pride right.
• 30:55
  Speaker 4: It makes them more stubborn, It makes them less likely
• 30:58
  Speaker 4: to want to come and move towards connection and do
• 31:01
  Speaker 4: things for their partner or be connected to their partner.
• 31:04
  Speaker 4: But I have worked so so hard and I still
• 31:08
  Speaker 4: have I still it's a journey. I still have work
• 31:10
  Speaker 4: to do on internalized shame. But I was like, I
• 31:12
  Speaker 4: am going to not try to push this internalized shame downward.
• 31:18
  Speaker 4: I'm actually going to feel some of it and I'm
• 31:21
  Speaker 4: going to change the narrative and I'm going to release
• 31:23
  Speaker 4: the emotional energy. And it took a while, and I
• 31:26
  Speaker 4: had to sit in a very like vulnerable, I mean crying,
• 31:30
  Speaker 4: like stomach quivering like position for thirty forty five minutes
• 31:37
  Speaker 4: before it started to dissipate because I was like, I'm
• 31:39
  Speaker 4: not pushing this down because if I push it down,
• 31:42
  Speaker 4: I'm gonna be prideful, I'm gonna be stubborn, and I'm
• 31:43
  Speaker 4: not going to go.
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: Back, you know, and then you're not going to really
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: learn or grow.
• 31:46
  Speaker 4: And I try and I did my best to repair it,
• 31:50
  Speaker 4: and you know, that's all I can do. But then
• 31:54
  Speaker 4: my conscience was clear, right and it felt so much better,
• 31:58
  Speaker 4: like okay, well now, no, no matter what, Like I
• 32:00
  Speaker 4: did my best to repair my error. Because a lot
• 32:04
  Speaker 4: of secure attachment is catching and correcting.
• 32:06
  Speaker 3: It's catching and correcting.
• 32:07
  Speaker 4: You know, Yes, when you work with your nervous system
• 32:11
  Speaker 4: and you become secure. You're going to get it right
• 32:13
  Speaker 4: more than not. And that's the beauty of it, Like
• 32:15
  Speaker 4: the beauty of it. You get it right more than
• 32:17
  Speaker 4: you get it wrong. But in the times that you
• 32:19
  Speaker 4: do get it wrong, when you're really pushed to the
• 32:21
  Speaker 4: extreme and you get triggered and you react poorly, or
• 32:25
  Speaker 4: you know, you fail to take someone's uniqueness into account
• 32:29
  Speaker 4: and you say the wrong thing, go back and repair it.
• 32:32
  Speaker 4: And even if they don't take well to the repair,
• 32:35
  Speaker 4: you know that you've done the right thing and you
• 32:37
  Speaker 4: can sleep at night right.
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: And that's important, you know. Just circling it back around
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: to the topic, it's you know, the doing the tiny
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: things in life or in the now moments.
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: It doesn't just apply to our partners, which we talk
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: about a lot, you.
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: Know, this applies to all relationships, yeah, all close relationships.
• 32:57
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: And taking inventory of the person like you just said,
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: like you know that maybe you did something based on
• 33:03
  Speaker 2: who your mother is that hurt her, and you took
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: inventory of that, and then you had to ask yourself,
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: how could I have done this differently based on who
• 33:10
  Speaker 2: she is?
• 33:11
  Speaker 4: Right? And it was easier for me to take that
• 33:14
  Speaker 4: inventory because I used to be very much like that.
• 33:17
  Speaker 4: But I as I've grown and changed and healed, I've
• 33:21
  Speaker 4: learned to let some of those wounds go and really
• 33:26
  Speaker 4: have moved past them where I recognize that my mom
• 33:31
  Speaker 4: has not and so it is my job to love
• 33:34
  Speaker 4: her in a way that would feel good to her. Yeah,
• 33:37
  Speaker 4: And you know, repair is so so important. And if
• 33:44
  Speaker 4: you struggle with coming back to repair a lot of times,
• 33:47
  Speaker 4: what's happening is you have internalized shame that is causing
• 33:50
  Speaker 4: pride and stubbornness. Because if you take the position that
• 33:53
  Speaker 4: you don't need to do it, then you can deny
• 33:55
  Speaker 4: the shame, even though the shame's still there underneath the surface,
• 33:58
  Speaker 4: creating a whole mess you don't even know. But when
• 34:01
  Speaker 4: we allow it to come up and we don't have
• 34:03
  Speaker 4: to agree with it, we don't have to agree with
• 34:04
  Speaker 4: the shame, but we confused.
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: That's where people get confused.
• 34:07
  Speaker 4: That's where people get confused, right, Like, I don't want
• 34:08
  Speaker 4: people to be like, Okay, I am so shameful and
• 34:11
  Speaker 4: I should feel so ashamed.
• 34:12
  Speaker 3: No, and what I did was so wrong, right, right, That's.
• 34:16
  Speaker 4: When you need to turn it over and understand what
• 34:18
  Speaker 4: guilt is. Guilt says I've done something wrong. Shaane says,
• 34:21
  Speaker 4: I am wrong, I am bad right, and hits at
• 34:23
  Speaker 4: the level of identity. So if you struggle with repair,
• 34:26
  Speaker 4: the tiny ways that you can show up for your
• 34:27
  Speaker 4: partner is just start to get the ball rolling in
• 34:32
  Speaker 4: whatever way you're comfortable with. Right. So, if you struggle
• 34:36
  Speaker 4: with repair in like say you're highly avoidant, like your
• 34:40
  Speaker 4: FA that leans dismissive or true da start with offering
• 34:44
  Speaker 4: your partner a beverage or just coming in with a
• 34:48
  Speaker 4: small connection. But you can't then miss going back to
• 34:54
  Speaker 4: the larger issue. And that's the mistake that more avoidant
• 34:57
  Speaker 4: people make is that they do make these kind of
• 34:59
  Speaker 4: like small all little repair moves, but then they think
• 35:02
  Speaker 4: that it's over right. Well, well, I made you a
• 35:04
  Speaker 4: cup of coffee, so you must know that I love you,
• 35:06
  Speaker 4: and it's okay. No, you didn't come back to the
• 35:09
  Speaker 4: actual issue that was not resolved. Make your partner a
• 35:13
  Speaker 4: cup of coffee, which is your avoidance, right, that's your
• 35:15
  Speaker 4: avoidance right right for sure. And then when that goes well,
• 35:20
  Speaker 4: then step it up and do something else and then
• 35:23
  Speaker 4: land next to them at the table and say, hey,
• 35:25
  Speaker 4: you know, I'm ready to reopen this conversation and I
• 35:29
  Speaker 4: apologize and take accountability for what I've done wrong. But
• 35:33
  Speaker 4: people can't take accountability and they can't apologize because of
• 35:36
  Speaker 4: their massive internalized shame and wounds around maybe feeling defective
• 35:41
  Speaker 4: or feeling not good enough, not good enough as an
• 35:43
  Speaker 4: anxious wound. Defectiveness is more of an avoidant wound. But
• 35:46
  Speaker 4: bottom line is, everybody that has insecure attachment has a
• 35:49
  Speaker 4: self concept built around shame, for sure. And when we
• 35:52
  Speaker 4: internalize that shame over and over and over and over again,
• 35:55
  Speaker 4: it keeps us from repair. And it also keeps us
• 35:59
  Speaker 4: so suppressed that we can't tune into our partner and
• 36:02
  Speaker 4: make these little gestures that really need to be a
• 36:05
  Speaker 4: regular occurrence in order for someone to feel valued and
• 36:08
  Speaker 4: appreciated and loved.
• 36:10
  Speaker 2: I think this is how, like you just basically described
• 36:12
  Speaker 2: how roommates happen in a marriage when you just wait
• 36:17
  Speaker 2: too long to start making those small moves for repair.
• 36:22
  Speaker 2: And they don't have to be these huge acts. They
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: can be small acts that, like you said, you feel
• 36:29
  Speaker 2: comfortable with making. And because I think what happens with
• 36:34
  Speaker 2: a lot of couples, and you know this, of course
• 36:36
  Speaker 2: better than anyone is you know couples that have been
• 36:39
  Speaker 2: married a long time, they just don't approach, don't approach,
• 36:43
  Speaker 2: don't approach.
• 36:44
  Speaker 4: And then it becomes so foreign and their walls are
• 36:47
  Speaker 4: so high. Both people's walls are so high that they
• 36:52
  Speaker 4: can't force themselves to put the wall down and to
• 36:54
  Speaker 4: be vulnerable because they're like, well, if you throw another
• 36:56
  Speaker 4: dart at me, then I won't get hurt, right right.
• 36:59
  Speaker 4: You know.
• 36:59
  Speaker 2: The capacit for whether they're avoidant or anxious is different,
• 37:03
  Speaker 2: of course, but so speak on that. What would you say,
• 37:08
  Speaker 2: like when it would become when there's this big void
• 37:10
  Speaker 2: between say an anxious and avoidant partner, and it becomes
• 37:13
  Speaker 2: and it feels so foreign to try to come back
• 37:16
  Speaker 2: for connection and you kind of lose that capacity talk
• 37:21
  Speaker 2: about the difference between the two.
• 37:23
  Speaker 4: Okay, So the most likely scenario in which that's going
• 37:28
  Speaker 4: to happen is the fearful avoidant with the dismissive avoidant
• 37:31
  Speaker 4: because they've been in the FADA cycle for so long
• 37:34
  Speaker 4: where FA feels like DA has not given them enough attention, affection, love, attunement, whatever.
• 37:40
  Speaker 4: They come to the DA partner, they're too critical without
• 37:44
  Speaker 4: even realizing it, even if they try not to be critical.
• 37:47
  Speaker 4: Most of the time they are too critical, and let's
• 37:48
  Speaker 4: face it, the DA can't even take anything that resembles
• 37:50
  Speaker 4: criticism because that activates their defectiveness, wound and internalized shame.
• 37:55
  Speaker 4: So they get defensive to deny that they need to
• 37:57
  Speaker 4: feel any shame, and then they usually withdraw or rarely
• 38:00
  Speaker 4: maybe they'll people please and then withdraw, but either way
• 38:03
  Speaker 4: there's still the end result is I'm trying to suppress
• 38:06
  Speaker 4: my internalized shame. Then the FA essentially starts to give
• 38:10
  Speaker 4: up hope, like I'm not being seen.
• 38:11
  Speaker 3: Heard and understood, which is their biggest need.
• 38:14
  Speaker 4: So then eventually, when hopelessness sets in for the FA,
• 38:17
  Speaker 4: they'd shut down into their avoidance side. And then we
• 38:19
  Speaker 4: have two people that are very disconnected, and that disconnect
• 38:23
  Speaker 4: can go on for a very long times years where
• 38:26
  Speaker 4: essentially they're living kind of as roommates that have a
• 38:28
  Speaker 4: lot of resentment walking on makeshow walking on as a
• 38:31
  Speaker 4: lot and so there's a couple of things going on here.
• 38:37
  Speaker 4: One resentment is not something that happens because your partner.
• 38:41
  Speaker 3: Treated you bad.
• 38:42
  Speaker 4: I've said this before, but it's because you failed to
• 38:44
  Speaker 4: hold a boundary. So you have to recognize that shutting
• 38:47
  Speaker 4: down into your avoidance. Isn't holding a boundary, that's essentially
• 38:52
  Speaker 4: just abandoning your partner to try to stay safe. A
• 38:57
  Speaker 4: boundary gives clear expectations of when you're going to be
• 39:02
  Speaker 4: in the boundary space and what it would take to reconnect.
• 39:05
  Speaker 4: And that doesn't happen when you're an avoidant shutdown. It's
• 39:07
  Speaker 4: just you just go away and you stay gone, right,
• 39:10
  Speaker 4: you stay shut off. But I think it has to
• 39:15
  Speaker 4: start with some forgiveness. And people are like, well, I
• 39:18
  Speaker 4: don't want to forgive because they've hurt me so much.
• 39:20
  Speaker 4: I'm like, well, then let's really break down what forgiveness is.
• 39:24
  Speaker 4: Forgiveness needs to come with strong boundaries, and instead of
• 39:28
  Speaker 4: resulting in this shutdown situation, if you simply were able
• 39:33
  Speaker 4: to feel comfortable and safe enough executing a true boundary
• 39:37
  Speaker 4: and holding it. Holding boundaries, that's where the herds start.
• 39:41
  Speaker 4: They may set them, but then they let them go
• 39:43
  Speaker 4: immediately holding the boundary with love and with respect and
• 39:47
  Speaker 4: with clarity around what it would take to be able
• 39:51
  Speaker 4: to come out of the boundary space and to reconnect
• 39:53
  Speaker 4: on the same level. That is going to be far
• 39:56
  Speaker 4: more effective than shutting down and putting up the wall.
• 39:58
  Speaker 3: Of pain, right.
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: It's very typical of the effect, right.
• 40:01
  Speaker 4: And so you can only bring the wall of pain
• 40:03
  Speaker 4: down when you let go of resentment. And you can
• 40:06
  Speaker 4: only let go of resentment through forgiveness. And forgiveness does
• 40:09
  Speaker 4: not come without boundaries. That's why you can forgive, because
• 40:14
  Speaker 4: you are still saying what you did was unacceptable, and
• 40:16
  Speaker 4: I still won't accept it, but I'll lay down my
• 40:19
  Speaker 4: swords of anger, and I'll be willing to start from
• 40:22
  Speaker 4: here moving forward, like we're going to start based on
• 40:26
  Speaker 4: you know, right now, moving forward. I'm not going to
• 40:30
  Speaker 4: continue to harp on the past. And then I think,
• 40:33
  Speaker 4: if you are in a position where your partner has
• 40:36
  Speaker 4: betrayed you or hurt you repeatedly, repeatedly, repeatedly, repeatedly, repeatedly,
• 40:40
  Speaker 4: at some point you need to consider the fact that
• 40:45
  Speaker 4: maybe they're just not going to change, right, But better
• 40:49
  Speaker 4: to show up secure and try your boundaries first, and
• 40:53
  Speaker 4: try the empathy and connection first with the boundaries, and
• 40:57
  Speaker 4: see if that can mend it, because a lot of
• 40:59
  Speaker 4: times it can turn it all around. It can turn
• 41:03
  Speaker 4: it all around. The moment someone lays down their anger,
• 41:07
  Speaker 4: it decides to forgive, which means you're starting from now forward,
• 41:12
  Speaker 4: but with the boundaries. Listen, if this x y Z,
• 41:14
  Speaker 4: you're a free person, you can do whatever it is
• 41:16
  Speaker 4: you want to do. But if XYZ happens, here's what
• 41:19
  Speaker 4: I'm gonna do. And I'm going to stay in that
• 41:21
  Speaker 4: space until you until you can do X y Z
• 41:24
  Speaker 4: thing right, right, So, boundaries always have to come with
• 41:26
  Speaker 4: rules of re engagement that are very clear. An avoidant
• 41:30
  Speaker 4: shutdown doesn't come with rules of.
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: Re engagement, right.
• 41:33
  Speaker 2: And I think you know just hearing you talk in
• 41:35
  Speaker 2: that much detail, it's why it's so important to understand
• 41:39
  Speaker 2: attachment styles, your own and your partners.
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: And I think it's why.
• 41:43
  Speaker 2: People gravitate towards it because it's so predictable. Oh, it
• 41:49
  Speaker 2: is so spot on, over and over and over again.
• 41:52
  Speaker 4: Rarely have theories in science that stand the test of time.
• 41:57
  Speaker 3: We rarely do.
• 41:58
  Speaker 4: Even in psychology. You know, we have some, we have
• 42:02
  Speaker 4: some good foundational theories, but oftentimes, after fifty sixty years,
• 42:08
  Speaker 4: we've researched them so much that we know every condition
• 42:12
  Speaker 4: under which it holds up, in every condition under which
• 42:14
  Speaker 4: it fails. And attachment theory just doesn't fail. It hits
• 42:17
  Speaker 4: every time.
• 42:18
  Speaker 3: It's all.
• 42:19
  Speaker 4: It is so predictive of relationship behavior that it's almost
• 42:23
  Speaker 4: at a level of being kind of scary.
• 42:25
  Speaker 3: It is, and there's a reason for that.
• 42:28
  Speaker 4: Right, And the first thing I hear, and usually from
• 42:31
  Speaker 4: the da is well, I don't want to be pigeonholed,
• 42:33
  Speaker 4: And how can you know how I'm a unique individual person?
• 42:36
  Speaker 4: How can you know about me just from this label?
• 42:41
  Speaker 4: And I'm like, well, because relationship behavior functions differently than
• 42:45
  Speaker 4: all other behavior. Relationship behavior is tied to the human
• 42:48
  Speaker 4: mating strategy, which is tied to the survival of the species.
• 42:52
  Speaker 4: So it has to be predictable or the human race
• 42:54
  Speaker 4: would die off. Okay, so let's look at it from
• 42:58
  Speaker 4: that angle, right, If human relationship behavior was so unpredictable,
• 43:05
  Speaker 4: we would never be able to figure it out enough
• 43:07
  Speaker 4: to continue the human race. Because our mating strategy is
• 43:11
  Speaker 4: based on long term connection. We have intimate relationships with
• 43:14
  Speaker 4: each other long term by which then we raise children,
• 43:17
  Speaker 4: and those children are protected best if both parents are
• 43:20
  Speaker 4: there in a healthy dynamic. So we're not like animals
• 43:24
  Speaker 4: that just go mate with everybody and hope that enough
• 43:26
  Speaker 4: of them survive. And so that is why attachment style
• 43:30
  Speaker 4: predicts behavior so well. It has to be predictable in
• 43:34
  Speaker 4: order for us to continue as humans.
• 43:37
  Speaker 2: And the deeper you go listen, guys, the more interesting
• 43:40
  Speaker 2: it gets, cause it's not. I mean, I feel like,
• 43:43
  Speaker 2: and I tell people this all the time when I'm
• 43:44
  Speaker 2: talking to you know, people that call in. I feel like,
• 43:48
  Speaker 2: every time we sit here, you know, bi weekly and
• 43:51
  Speaker 2: we do these podcasts, I learned something new. And I
• 43:54
  Speaker 2: mean we've been friends for going on a decade. I
• 43:58
  Speaker 2: feel like if there's any time that I sit in
• 43:59
  Speaker 2: on group with you, I learned something new. I mean,
• 44:03
  Speaker 2: the sky is the limit in terms of what you
• 44:05
  Speaker 2: can really learn, but more importantly, what you can really gain.
• 44:09
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, And so if you want to learn more
• 44:12
  Speaker 2: about attachment, please go see doctor Hensley at the lovedoc
• 44:16
  Speaker 2: dot com check out all of her services. Guys, we
• 44:21
  Speaker 2: are so thankful.
• 44:22
  Speaker 3: So thankful. This podcast has in so many ways changed
• 44:26
  Speaker 3: my life.
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: It's been therapeutic for me.
• 44:29
  Speaker 3: It has been for me too.
• 44:31
  Speaker 4: And it's a space outside of my you know, typical
• 44:34
  Speaker 4: car line relationship advice videos or whatever. It's a space
• 44:37
  Speaker 4: for me to be more authentic and that's so regulating
• 44:41
  Speaker 4: to me. It feels so good to be able to
• 44:43
  Speaker 4: show up as myself.
• 44:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's why, you know, even though I've taken
• 44:47
  Speaker 2: some of the reviews and stuff hard, I try to
• 44:52
  Speaker 2: remind myself that, like, I'm just a human being here too.
• 44:56
  Speaker 4: I do not feel bad, Okay, I just like I
• 44:59
  Speaker 4: listened so by the time this drops, obviously, I did
• 45:02
  Speaker 4: a podcast with Bunny XO, whose jelly Rolls was awesome.
• 45:04
  Speaker 4: Who is She's the coolest freaking human on the earth.
• 45:08
  Speaker 4: Like I'm just in awe of her.
• 45:09
  Speaker 3: I'm like, you are just so cool.
• 45:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah. She seems very relaxed.
• 45:13
  Speaker 4: She's very relaxed, she's very down to earth. And I
• 45:15
  Speaker 4: did her podcast and it's a legit, like major podcast.
• 45:18
  Speaker 4: I mean, they have like thirty million listeners. It's excellent, too, excellent,
• 45:22
  Speaker 4: And I totally forgot where I was going with this.
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: You were going to say something, this is about being
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: being thankful.
• 45:32
  Speaker 4: We're talking about oh, yes, being thankful for our listeners,
• 45:36
  Speaker 4: our listeners, And no, you were going.
• 45:39
  Speaker 1: To talk about how cause I was saying the reviews, Yeah,
• 45:41
  Speaker 1: that's it.
• 45:42
  Speaker 4: That's it. I said, right like probably eight hundred million times.
• 45:46
  Speaker 4: I was like, right, right right.
• 45:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And I've gotten a battery for you guys that
• 45:50
  Speaker 2: I say m hmm and write too much when doctor
• 45:53
  Speaker 2: Hansley's talking right.
• 45:54
  Speaker 4: And so, and then that's a good knife to Raina's heart.
• 45:56
  Speaker 4: You guys, be nice to Raina. She is a beautiful,
• 45:59
  Speaker 4: beauty full listen.
• 46:01
  Speaker 1: I can listen. I can take it.
• 46:03
  Speaker 2: I can I can take constructive criticism and try to
• 46:06
  Speaker 2: change because I want this to be a success and
• 46:09
  Speaker 2: I want, you know, people to enjoy it.
• 46:12
  Speaker 1: This review is really harsh. So it was like, please
• 46:14
  Speaker 1: get a new partner.
• 46:16
  Speaker 2: Her uh hus and rights are so distracting and ruins
• 46:19
  Speaker 2: the whole show. And I was like, yeah, but how
• 46:22
  Speaker 2: like you're doing most of the talking. I'm just the
• 46:25
  Speaker 2: mediator and really like my brain is the half half
• 46:29
  Speaker 2: the size of doctor Hensley's, so all I have to
• 46:32
  Speaker 2: offer is my personal experience. And so that was gonna
• 46:36
  Speaker 2: be my point, is that my being able to share
• 46:38
  Speaker 2: my personal experiences is so important because it's so therapeutic
• 46:42
  Speaker 2: for me. I'm still a healing human being. You're still
• 46:46
  Speaker 2: a healing human being.
• 46:47
  Speaker 3: Feeling is a journey, not a destination.
• 46:50
  Speaker 1: It's never literally are healing.
• 46:51
  Speaker 3: We are not healed.
• 46:53
  Speaker 2: So when you're listening to this, we're actually healing with you.
• 46:57
  Speaker 2: We're trying and it's really beautiful and I just I'm
• 46:59
  Speaker 2: so grateful and so thankful because we get to do
• 47:04
  Speaker 2: a whole we get.
• 47:04
  Speaker 1: To start again. We get to start again next week
• 47:06
  Speaker 1: with season two.
• 47:07
  Speaker 4: Oh so excited and we're going to have some patreons
• 47:10
  Speaker 4: that's going to come on board.
• 47:11
  Speaker 3: Yes, we don't know what we're doing. We've got to
• 47:13
  Speaker 3: figure that out first.
• 47:14
  Speaker 2: We got some Yeah, we've got lots of exciting things
• 47:17
  Speaker 2: season two, just to kind of get y'all hyped up.
• 47:19
  Speaker 2: We are thinking of doing more series based episodes where
• 47:24
  Speaker 2: we do like clusters right of a specific.
• 47:27
  Speaker 1: Topic and then like cheing it out to have guessed or.
• 47:31
  Speaker 4: And my PR agency is working on sort of some guests. Yeah, yeah,
• 47:35
  Speaker 4: to be We've got some ideas to hunt some people down.
• 47:38
  Speaker 3: I do. I have some ideas too.
• 47:40
  Speaker 4: It's it's just a matter of sometimes you know, like
• 47:44
  Speaker 4: I mean, in all honesty, like people can't access me.
• 47:48
  Speaker 3: No, people can't call me up and be.
• 47:49
  Speaker 1: Like hey, you know and ask you just some random questions.
• 47:52
  Speaker 4: Yeah no, because that would all be all that would happen, right,
• 47:56
  Speaker 4: I mean, I just have to look at like the
• 47:57
  Speaker 4: amount of social.
• 47:58
  Speaker 1: Media but maybe in the future we'll have calling.
• 48:00
  Speaker 4: On the pod maybe right, But getting access to people
• 48:03
  Speaker 4: is harder, which is why I'm glad now I have
• 48:05
  Speaker 4: a PR agency for sure, I can connect with their
• 48:08
  Speaker 4: agency right.
• 48:08
  Speaker 3: And they know what they're doing and they know what
• 48:10
  Speaker 3: they're doing.
• 48:11
  Speaker 2: So and I'm thankful for that too, because that was
• 48:13
  Speaker 2: kind of a missing piece that I didn't have in
• 48:15
  Speaker 2: my toolbox. You know, I had the marketing strategies, I
• 48:18
  Speaker 2: had the sales strategies, but I didn't have the connections.
• 48:21
  Speaker 2: And connections are big, you know, when you know people,
• 48:23
  Speaker 2: a lot of life is you know.
• 48:25
  Speaker 4: The Bunny Exo podcast was through my PR agency. I
• 48:28
  Speaker 4: get to do another podcast.
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: With Josh Stone Stone.
• 48:32
  Speaker 3: That's exciting.
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: Listen.
• 48:34
  Speaker 2: I'm a total like that's like a girl crush. Joss
• 48:36
  Speaker 2: Stone is a girl crush for me, So I'm I'm
• 48:39
  Speaker 2: kind of.
• 48:39
  Speaker 3: Envious that I just sit in and like to talk
• 48:42
  Speaker 3: to her.
• 48:42
  Speaker 2: I know, I'll just sit and when you do that podcast,
• 48:45
  Speaker 2: I'll just come over because I would really love to
• 48:47
  Speaker 2: meet her. But there are there's so many exciting things
• 48:51
  Speaker 2: coming down the pipeline for season two, and I've already
• 48:54
  Speaker 2: got quite a few guests on in our repertoire kind
• 48:57
  Speaker 2: of on the back burner that I've been talking to.
• 49:00
  Speaker 2: So stay tuned please, Like we always say, go check
• 49:05
  Speaker 2: out doctor Hensley services at the lovedoc dot com. All
• 49:08
  Speaker 2: of our listeners get a special promo code.
• 49:11
  Speaker 3: Do we have somebody to thank a sponsor, an affiliate
• 49:13
  Speaker 3: to thanks?
• 49:14
  Speaker 1: Oh we do, we do.
• 49:17
  Speaker 2: Yes, we got to thank our sponsor, Cozy Earth. Of course,
• 49:19
  Speaker 2: we are so grateful for Cozy Earth.
• 49:22
  Speaker 4: They just ordered some Cozy Earth sheets for our camper
• 49:26
  Speaker 4: because I'm just not on your spoiled in it.
• 49:28
  Speaker 3: I can't do it. We went to the camper the
• 49:30
  Speaker 3: other day and I was like, these.
• 49:31
  Speaker 1: Sheets so all right, they feel like sandpaper.
• 49:33
  Speaker 4: I really like sandpaper, And like I just you can't
• 49:36
  Speaker 4: go back. Once you go Cozy Earth, you can't go back.
• 49:39
  Speaker 4: They make all of their products from the viscus of
• 49:42
  Speaker 4: bamboo and they are temperature regulating. They are so incredibly soft.
• 49:46
  Speaker 4: They maintain their softness over time. They don't pill, they
• 49:50
  Speaker 4: do not you know, tear up, and they have a.
• 49:54
  Speaker 1: Lifetime or a tenure warranty.
• 49:57
  Speaker 3: Tenure warranty. But is it like sounds guarantee.
• 50:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's satisfaction guarantee, but like they give.
• 50:03
  Speaker 3: You a ten year warranty on the quality.
• 50:05
  Speaker 2: Right, right, and then they give you a thirty day
• 50:08
  Speaker 2: sleep like just test where yeah, you can sleep on
• 50:13
  Speaker 2: the sheets for thirty days and if you don't, if
• 50:15
  Speaker 2: you're not hooked, you can send them back and get
• 50:16
  Speaker 2: your money back. So they're very generous and not to
• 50:19
  Speaker 2: mention like it all like all their products make the
• 50:22
  Speaker 2: perfect gift always for no matter what.
• 50:24
  Speaker 4: So please even for Father's on Father's Day. Yeah, oh
• 50:28
  Speaker 4: my gosh, with all the jogging suits.
• 50:30
  Speaker 1: And the what did Donald love?
• 50:31
  Speaker 4: Donald loves the sleep shorts, so summers upon it. If
• 50:37
  Speaker 4: your man like sleeps in his under he sleeps naked,
• 50:39
  Speaker 4: and like your kids.
• 50:40
  Speaker 3: Are you know, yeah, I might have to get some
• 50:42
  Speaker 3: of those for you, you know, and you.
• 50:43
  Speaker 4: Need to start because Donald doesn't like sleeping naked because
• 50:47
  Speaker 4: because kids always burst, they always might be sick and
• 50:51
  Speaker 4: like run in the room and puke or something. Right,
• 50:52
  Speaker 4: and if he jumps out of bed, like he doesn't
• 50:54
  Speaker 4: want to be naked. So the sleep shorts, he's like,
• 50:57
  Speaker 4: it's like having nothing on.
• 50:58
  Speaker 3: So something always excellent.
• 51:01
  Speaker 4: Father's Day gift is the Cozy Earth sleep shorts and
• 51:03
  Speaker 4: you can go to the website cozyearth dot com enter
• 51:06
  Speaker 4: code love Doc and you will receive forty percent off
• 51:09
  Speaker 4: your purchase, which is very generous.
• 51:11
  Speaker 3: So thank you Cozy Earth.
• 51:12
  Speaker 1: Yes, thank you Cozy Earth.
• 51:13
  Speaker 2: And speaking of promo codes, as I was about to say,
• 51:15
  Speaker 2: for our listeners, you can receive twenty seven percent off
• 51:19
  Speaker 2: any of doctor Hensley's courses or her hybrid group programs
• 51:23
  Speaker 2: by putting in Love Doc twenty seven at check out.
• 51:27
  Speaker 4: That's for her, twenty seven is for our podcast listeners,
• 51:31
  Speaker 4: twenty seven percent off, which is a really big discount.
• 51:33
  Speaker 2: So yeah, and that's our special number that we share.
• 51:36
  Speaker 2: It's our angel number.
• 51:37
  Speaker 3: It's crazy, it is crazy. We'll go through that story sometimes.
• 51:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah, So thank you guys so much. We cannot wait
• 51:43
  Speaker 2: to start season two. Please continue to tune in, like, subscribe, follow,
• 51:47
  Speaker 2: and we're going to have a Patreon's account account soon
• 51:50
  Speaker 2: so there's more to come there for our most loyal listeners,
• 51:53
  Speaker 2: and so stay tuned until next time. Peace, love and perspective,
• 52:06
  Speaker 2: Bene