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How to make it work with a narcissist · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  What is going on, beautiful people?
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  Today's episode, we're going to be talking about how to make it
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  work with a narcissist. Hold up before you get mad,
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  before you pull out the pitchforks and come for me.
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  Just stay, look, stay tuned, you know.
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  Stay tuned for more. Stay tuned for the breakdown.
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  Y'all, if you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
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  I'm a clinically diagnosed narcissist.
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  And welcome to another episode of The Narcissist Code.
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  OK, y'all, OK, calm down. I know when people go to see
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  this video, they see see the title of it, you hear the
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  beginning of it and y'all automatically hit the thumbs
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  down. You're going to want to hit the
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  thumbs up right here. Y'all.
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  Like I said, I'm not. This is not me trying to tell
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  anybody to stay within a toxic relationship, but the person is
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  not working on themselves. This is not me trying to say
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  give this person another chance. This is not, this is not what
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  I'm saying. I know everybody can't leave.
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  Everybody doesn't want to leave. So this is not me.
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  This is not a judgement or video.
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  This is just trying to give you the perspective of as to why you
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  know how, how to make it work with a narcissist.
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  You know, because I I do have a support group and this is one of
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  the topics that we covered last night in my support group was
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  how to make it work, you know, my support group link is in the
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  description of every video and podcast I do.
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  We meet every Sunday evening or zoom and throughout the week as
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  well with different, you know, different goals, settings and
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  things like that. Over Zoom just we just do a lot
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  of chatting. There's a lot of people in there
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  going through similar experiences as you looking for a
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  community link in the description.
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  But yes, how to make, how to make it work with a narcissist?
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  And this is, this is the consensus from the group.
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  And I already had this thought, but this is the consensus from
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  so many people in the group that the number one way to make it
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  work with a narcissist is to be ignorant to their behaviours.
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  It's just be ignorant to their behaviours.
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  I'm not calling you, like I said, ignorant does not mean
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  calling you stupid y'all It just means like this act like you
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  don't know. Ignorance is a lack of knowledge
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  in this situation. Not calling somebody stupid, you
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  know, it is what I'm saying. The definition of ignorance is
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  not like you're dumb. I I always tell people that I'm
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  geographically ignorant because I don't have the knowledge.
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  You know the the definition of ignorant is lacking knowledge or
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  awareness. Awareness in general.
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  It's not doesn't mean you're stupid.
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  It's just like you don't know. You don't have enough knowledge
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  to, you know, do it. So ignorant, like you have to
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  act like you, unaware of their behaviors, like you have to act
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  like these behaviors. Whatever they're exhibiting to
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  you doesn't matter. That's one of the things that
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  happens right there now being like I say, being ignorant to
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  their behaviors or feigning ignorance to their behaviors
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  could also be kind of flowing into grey, into the grey rock
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  technique where you become boring and you don't give that,
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  give that person any type of your emotional reactions, but
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  being ignorant to their behaviors and these
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  relationships. Just like because if you're if
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  you're trying to hold them accountable, if you're they,
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  they would consider it nagging you're, you're nagging me,
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  you're saying this, you're saying that they would consider
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  that nagging. They would consider that toxic.
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  They would consider that whatever you know, they would
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  say you being bitter and ungrateful like or you just too
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  emotional, you and your feelings, whatever.
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  If you're trying to do all of that, they will just beat you
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  down emotionally. Some of them will, you already
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  know, some of them will take it to the physical, but a lot of
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  them will start to beat you down emotionally because they they
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  want to hammer away at you because they want to beat you
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  down to the to like an emotional pulp, so to speak.
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  They want to get you to a point where they're hurting you and
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  putting you like in a blender, so to speak and to to literally
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  mess with you. And this, this doesn't stop.
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  I I think a lot of people get into this space where if you're
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  in a relationship with a narcissist and you are being
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  ignorant to their behaviors, it doesn't like, I'll just be real.
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  Like, why would it? Why would they, you know, why
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  would that get better, so to speak?
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  Why would their why would their behaviors change?
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  Because they don't want to be held accountable, so they want
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  you to act like you don't see it.
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  Or if you do see it, don't say anything.
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  You know how people say, like you know if you see something,
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  say something. Not in a toxic relationship.
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  If you see something, you didn't see it.
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  Did you hear something? You did not hear it.
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  Don't say anything to me. Just let me live my life how I
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  want to live my life. Let me live my life by my rules.
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  Let me live my life by my without boundaries.
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  With with freedom. Let me cheat in peace.
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  You know, if you know I'm cheating, keep it to yourself.
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  I'm coming home to you, aren't I?
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  And you? I, I, I, I provide for this
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  household. Don't know who I or can I?
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  Why can't I cheat? That's the excuse you hear a lot
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  of people say. So you got a good life, don't
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  you? That's why I'm it's OK for me to
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  cheat. Then so many people will be OK
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  with me cheating because I'll give you a good life.
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  Right. Right, right.
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  You hear it? Yeah.
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  I'm just telling you, you hear a lot of people say that.
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  So that's the mindset that so many narcissists and toxic
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  people have right there is that they think that they can get
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  away with things because they are in a certain position or or
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  because they provide you a certain type of lifestyle.
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  This again falls onto you as a survivor or thriver to just
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  decide what you want, decide how your life is going to be, decide
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  how you want things to go. Because at the end of the day,
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  it's your decision. It's your life.
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  You have to live your life the way you see fit, the way you
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  best to see fit. And then like I said, there's a
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  lot of narcissistic people out there that do this.
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  So the the best way is to be ignorant to their behaviors.
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  Act like you don't know. And if you like I said again,
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  even if you do know, you don't know.
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  Even if you do see it, you don't see it.
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  That's the mindset they just want you to be.
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  They just want to live their life without any no holds
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  barred, no boundaries, no, no. You saying no, nothing.
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  Like this is the mindset of a lot of narcissistic people.
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  They don't want you to say anything to them because that
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  sucks for them. Now you got to hold now you're
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  going to hold me accountable. Wow.
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  Wow. Really.
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  You're going to hold me accountable now After all we've
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  been through, After all we've done.
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  Wow. Wow.
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  They're going to you be up all you in the fuss and the fighting
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  all the time. So again, you kind of got to
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  pick your battles in this position right here.
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  So that's what I'm just saying. If you deal with a toxic,
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  narcissistic person, this is kind of what you're going to
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  have to go through when you're trying to, you know, get when
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  you're trying to stay with this person, that's the best way to
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  make it work, is to act like you don't know.
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  It's crazy how that goes right there.
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  You know you can like say picking like this is another way
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  pick and choose your battles. You don't have to be ignorant to
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  every single thing, but you have to pick and choose your battles.
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  And I know, like, yeah, I know this doesn't sound like a fun
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  way to live and I know people just like they that sounds like
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  a horrible way to live because you don't get to voice yourself
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  like you. You pretty much have to be solid
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  to what somebody somebody, how somebody is behaving.
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  Somebody is treating you. You know.
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  Again some people are OK with that because they have a certain
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  type of lifestyle, but like everybody's not OK with it.
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  So you have to pick and choose your battles because that person
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  is going to keep doing what they want to do because they feel
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  like they're entitled to do it. So you have to pick and choose
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  your battle. I'm not saying you have to be
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  completely silent, but you're going to have to pick and choose
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  how you want to go about doing, doing some of this stuff.
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  You had to pick and choose how you want to go about surviving
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  and thrive. You have to, you have to pick
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  and choose in these situations. So you have to choose, you know,
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  so it just becomes it's their space right there.
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  You. It really is a horrible, it
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  really is a horrible dynamic gal to stay.
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  Try to try to stay in a touch of relationship because you have to
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  grey rock them to death. You because you have to protect
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  your mental health. You have to grey rock or yellow.
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  What people call it yellow rocking, Yellow rocking is grey
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  rocking. But you give them a little bit
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  here and there. You give them a little emotional
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  responses like you, you or what. Doctor Romedy described it in
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  Tina. Tina Swinton described it as
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  like grey rocking is cold yellow, yellow, yellow rocking
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  is like a little warmth added to it.
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  The the rock is a little yellow hot, you mean, you see what I'm
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  saying? The rock has been heated up a
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  little bit. You give them emotional
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  reactions when necessary, like you complimenting them on things
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  and whatnot, Like you're being, you know, you're being cordial
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  to this person instead of like, you know what I mean?
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  Instead of just everything's being a battle, you're being
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  cordial to this person and y'all are, you know, seemingly having
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  a good some good chats and whatnot.
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  That does happen quite a bit. So this is the space that so
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  many people fall into. And that's why I say when you're
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  dealing with a narcissist, like, yeah, and I know this sounds bad
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  and I know people really don't want to live this way.
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  And let's be realistic, most people don't want to live this
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  way. Most people just want to have a
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  happy, have a happy, healthy relationship.
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  But that's one thing. If you're dealing with a
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  narcissist, it's probably not going to be possible.
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  Y'all this. You know, if you want to stay
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  with a narcissist, you have to accept the fact that you're
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  probably not going to have a healthy relationship.
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  You have to change the you have to change the confines of your
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  relationship to stay in it if you so choose.
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  You know you have to change the confines, the mindset of it all.
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  You have to change how you how your outlook on the world.
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  You have to understand the fact there's certain things that
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  you're not going to be able to get from this person.
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  Radical acceptance. Accepting the things that you
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  cannot change and accepting the things that you can change.
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  The most of the things that you can change are you.
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  Most of the things that you can change in a relationship, toxic
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  relationship or not, have to deal with you yourself, your
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  emotions, your physical growth, your physical well-being.
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  That's the type of stuff that you are in control of most
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  times. You can't control them.
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  You can't control how they're going to act.
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  You can't control how they're going to behave.
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  You can't control how they're going to treat you.
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  The only thing you can control is you.
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  So that's one of the things that you have to like, learn to
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  accept in this space right here. Radical acceptance can help you
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  out right here. Like accepting the fact that
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  this is who they are, You know, accepting the fact that at the
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  end of the day, this is who they're going to be.
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  This is who they are and this. And I know that sucks when I
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  have to tell people they're like, this is your partner.
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  This is going to be your partner for the rest of their life.
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  And people just like, and some people like they're OK, you
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  know, but I say you have to accept them for who they are.
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  But Lee, I don't want to accept the abuse.
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  Y'all. What can you do if they're
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  going, like I said, other than leaving this relationship
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  dynamic to stop the abuse, to mitigate the abuse.
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  And even when you leave the relationship, it doesn't
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  guarantee that the abuse is going to stop.
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  And I think a lot of people, when you get out of it, you
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  realize this to be true. That like just because you leave
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  the relationship doesn't mean that abuse is going to stop.
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  Post separation, abuse is a real thing.
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  Like when you leave the relationship, the abuse
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  continues. They find a way to get to you.
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  They got you have kids, you have businesses, you have finances
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  there. They find a way to get to you,
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  to find they find a way to continue the perpetual cycle of
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  abuse. They find a way to hurt you.
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  They find a way to put you through things.
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  They will find a way, you know, So it's like I said, so this is
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  one of the situations where y'all have to you know, I'm not
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  telling you to accept abuse. Y'all, I'm just saying, what can
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  you do to change this? Understand what you can change,
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  what you cannot change. And like it had and like I will
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  say this right here, it has way less to do with you than you
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  think. So many people just like, well,
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  I'm not enough. I'm not worthy enough to get
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  love to. It's not you.
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  It's them. It's them behaving in a certain
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  type of way. It's them seeing you in a
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  certain type of light. It's them.
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  At the end of the day, it's them.
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  At the end of the day, this is going to be them.
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  This is going to be how they act.
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  This is going to be how they treat you.
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  The only thing that you have control of or is you and how you
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  want to live your life. Like say, you can live your life
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  inside the confines of this toxic relationship dynamic, but
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  you can find happiness within it, within yourself.
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  This person isn't going to change.
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  Radical acceptance. This person isn't going to
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  change. You can either be ignorant to
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  their behaviors and just live your life like this, or you can
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  see what they're doing, understand what they're doing,
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  Pick and choose your battles and choose.
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  Choose what happiness look like for you.
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  So I say everybody's situation is uniquely different and this
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  is not trying to shine doom and gloom on people's relationship.
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  If you're dealing with a pathological narcissist, they're
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  not going to change their behaviors without any type of
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  therapy or hard work. Let's be realistic.
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  Let's keep it. That's what we do over here.
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  Y'all. We keep it real, you know, We
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  keep it real. We keep it hot and we keep it
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  hot and rated like a little Caesar's pizza.
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  We truly do. So that's why I wanted to just
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  just prepare. Y'all I want y'all to live the
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  life that you want to live. That's the most important thing
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  to me. You living the life that you
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  want to live. Being happy, doing it again.
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  Y'all. Make sure you check out my
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  support groups and whatnot as we we chat about stuff like this
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  every single week. A few times a week there's
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  multiple posts in there, like 200 posts in there.
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  It's a private server and whatnot.
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  It's not on Facebook, not on Instagram.
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  It's a private group. Nobody ever screenshots to post
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  anything online. I appreciate y'all but to whom
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  this is out peace. Thank you so much for making it
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  to the end of my video. I am extremely grateful for you
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  have no idea. If you haven't already, make
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  sure you go ahead and subscribe to the channel helps reach more
• 12:47
  people and click on the screen to watch another video or to
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  browse through another playlist. There's also a link on the
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  screen to check out my courses and my support groups to help
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  you heal and understand what you've been through.
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  Thank you so much again. I will see you in the next
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  video. Peace.