Latest / Jess Ask / When Worship Hurts: Homelessness, Healing & Hearing God | ft. Ricka Riley | EP131

Transcript

When Worship Hurts: Homelessness, Healing & Hearing God | ft. Ricka Riley | EP131 · Jess Ask

• 0:07
  Speaker 1: Yo, it's your girl, Jessica and Smith, and you already
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: know that you've entered the safe space for influencers to
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: decompress half fun and just ask God.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: For another day.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: You already know what it is, and then you know
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: it's about to get real. To be sure to show
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: your girl the love and like coming to scan God.
• 0:27
  Speaker 3: For another day. Hey, hey, I know we could be
• 0:33
  Speaker 3: another way.
• 0:37
  Speaker 4: We got good. I don't want nobody calling.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: Yo yo Yo's girl, just getting Smith and you have
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: entered the safe space where we decompressed half fun and
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: guess what, just ask you can't hear my girl, desil ray,
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: but she's right here, and I got this.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: Song for you. Devil Ray, devil ray, devil rate. Des
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: already doesn't raid, doesn't read, doesn't read.
• 1:00
  Speaker 4: Hey, hey, gotta I gotta learn that.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: You gotta learn that you got deserrate, desiraate, DESI rate
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: doesn't rate?
• 1:09
  Speaker 4: Does a rate? Does a rate? That's a rate? Hey,
• 1:12
  Speaker 4: des a rate? Does a ray? That's a rate? That's
• 1:14
  Speaker 4: a right? That's all right? Hey, Okay, I got it.
• 1:17
  Speaker 4: I got it, this sight, I got it.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: You're gonna have to get a set up to where
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: you y'all can hear deserrate when we're traveling.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: But you already know.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: When we're not at bg TV, we're somewhere else in location.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: So podcasters, no excuses.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: That's what we're here for. No excuses. Listen.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: I'm super excited right now because to my left possibly
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: you're right, Uh huh, I have.
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: An anointed jewel.
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: Okay, when I say I think I'm in the third
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: Heaven right now, just because I'm sitting by her.
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: I mean it.
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: Listen, let's talk about worship. Let's talk about a tech genius.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: They were nerding out early today and I was like,
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: what is going on?
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: It was like, it's just nerdy stuff? Like, no, she
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: is a full complete package.
• 2:11
  Speaker 4: Why are you weak? Right now? Okay, this is your introduction.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: I was like, I present to some and introduce to
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: others my sister, my homegirl, the one that ships us
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: to the third hymn Rica Raleigh.
• 2:33
  Speaker 4: It's it's a privilege to be on the podcast show,
• 2:43
  Speaker 4: to be called it to your presence as one of
• 2:47
  Speaker 4: your hosts. I love it. I love it.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: Clipping it up, we're about to go up with that one. Somebody,
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: somebody is gonna pick us.
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: On that freak of how you're doing.
• 3:02
  Speaker 4: I'm doing well, phenomenal.
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: It's been a minute. It it's been a minute. Let
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: me tell y'all.
• 3:08
  Speaker 4: See men.
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: Rica was supposed to be on the podcast in January.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: The snow came and so I just told her that
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: she had eleven months to prepare. And so Rica, I'm
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: gonna get in your business. Oh come, I'm gonna get
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: in your business. But before I get in your business,
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: we talk about worship. Right, we talk about worship, and
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: worship is a I don't know. I don't know if
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: I want to say broad turn, but I think restricted
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: could probably be better because when people think about worship, they
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: only think about worshiping song. Could you how would you
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: explain worship? And outside of you singing, how do you
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: activate your worship?
• 3:49
  Speaker 4: Oh that's a really good question. It is a question
• 3:52
  Speaker 4: I don't get asked often, But to answer it, I
• 3:57
  Speaker 4: would say worship is simply this. It's a word called
• 4:01
  Speaker 4: a bod and it's spelled abad. And the first mention
• 4:06
  Speaker 4: of this word is in the Book of Genesis, where
• 4:09
  Speaker 4: it begins with the story of Abraham going to sacrifice
• 4:15
  Speaker 4: his son Isaac. And so that word particularly talks about
• 4:19
  Speaker 4: service or it is also defined as worshiper, but the
• 4:24
  Speaker 4: definition of that in a nutshell, it speaks of service
• 4:29
  Speaker 4: unto the Lord, and how your life is in just
• 4:32
  Speaker 4: the yielded capacity that there is nothing about you that
• 4:35
  Speaker 4: is withheld from the Father. There is nothing about you
• 4:38
  Speaker 4: that is withheld from his expression, from his usage, from
• 4:43
  Speaker 4: the totality of who he is. And so when it
• 4:46
  Speaker 4: comes to worship, we kind of limit it to this
• 4:48
  Speaker 4: musical expression, but it really is an act of our will,
• 4:54
  Speaker 4: a representation of our life. It is a mode of
• 4:58
  Speaker 4: operation that we live from as believers, not just from
• 5:01
  Speaker 4: the context of music, but in what we do as
• 5:04
  Speaker 4: service unto the Lord. And so every aspect of who
• 5:08
  Speaker 4: we are is service. Everything that we give unto the Lord,
• 5:12
  Speaker 4: yield unto the Lord, and submit to God. It's all
• 5:15
  Speaker 4: about service. And when I limit my life to just
• 5:19
  Speaker 4: one dimension of what worship is, I don't really see
• 5:22
  Speaker 4: the totality of even the requirement of what God has acted.
• 5:26
  Speaker 4: And so sometimes we have to be reminded that our
• 5:31
  Speaker 4: life must be sacrificial in order for it to be
• 5:35
  Speaker 4: considered worship. If there is no sacrifice connected to the response,
• 5:40
  Speaker 4: which is service, then it's not true worship. If there
• 5:44
  Speaker 4: is no dying, no death, no surrender, no yielding, no
• 5:49
  Speaker 4: denying of the self, it is really not worship. It's
• 5:52
  Speaker 4: just what we have conjured up to say, this is
• 5:56
  Speaker 4: what I'm willing to give you God, But it's not
• 5:58
  Speaker 4: really what God does. So until it causes a death
• 6:03
  Speaker 4: in you, until something in you dies, is not worship.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: So that's the place where I feel like we have
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: an opportunity to gaze right, like, how do I know
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: what hurts versus what's dying? Because death still hurts, But
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: how do I know I'm dying itself? So can you
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: give us like an example or even an experience that you.
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: Had where you knew you had died in an area?
• 6:27
  Speaker 4: Oh So I recall one experience in my life where
• 6:31
  Speaker 4: I was going through a lot of a very tumultuous season.
• 6:35
  Speaker 4: I was homeless for three years, I lived out of
• 6:39
  Speaker 4: my vehicle. I was serving the Lord, I was leading worship.
• 6:43
  Speaker 4: I was doing everything that you could say that a
• 6:45
  Speaker 4: believer was supposed to do in their walk with God.
• 6:48
  Speaker 4: But during this time of my life, it was a
• 6:52
  Speaker 4: lot of things that were dying in the one because
• 6:55
  Speaker 4: I felt like it was a form of punishment, and
• 6:58
  Speaker 4: so sometimes death looks like punishment, but it's really a
• 7:03
  Speaker 4: part of your process to produce in you what is
• 7:06
  Speaker 4: needed for another season. And so during that time, because
• 7:12
  Speaker 4: of that, just that struggle, or that just even hardship,
• 7:17
  Speaker 4: God really had to pivot my perspective in a sense
• 7:21
  Speaker 4: so that I viewed what I was experiencing not from
• 7:24
  Speaker 4: a place of harm, that he was harming me, but
• 7:27
  Speaker 4: that he was producing in me what was needed for
• 7:29
  Speaker 4: a season to come. And so when it comes to
• 7:33
  Speaker 4: defining like the difference between what hurts and then what
• 7:37
  Speaker 4: is like a a the word that you use, I
• 7:39
  Speaker 4: believe you said hurt and death. When it comes to
• 7:43
  Speaker 4: something hurting you, there is a a a natural inclination
• 7:50
  Speaker 4: to try to go into survival mode.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: Come on, no, you're not You're not You're not wanting
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: you're talking with on them.
• 8:00
  Speaker 4: There is a natural inclination in you that tries to survive.
• 8:04
  Speaker 4: But the survival is without God. And so when it
• 8:09
  Speaker 4: comes to the death process, that is a part of
• 8:12
  Speaker 4: you where listen when you have to yield your self preservation.
• 8:19
  Speaker 4: And so most times during seasons of trial, seasons of pay,
• 8:23
  Speaker 4: seasons of difficulty, we are constantly trying to preserve ourself
• 8:28
  Speaker 4: in the midst of it. Why because we don't realize
• 8:31
  Speaker 4: that pain is a tool that God produces in us
• 8:34
  Speaker 4: to purify the worship in us. And so when we
• 8:38
  Speaker 4: just yield to when we're hurting times of hurt, often
• 8:42
  Speaker 4: the result in us just trying to preserve ourselves. But
• 8:46
  Speaker 4: when you're dying, if you experience death, that means you've
• 8:50
  Speaker 4: yielded your own self preservation. And now you've allowed God
• 8:54
  Speaker 4: to produce in you and to curate in you, and
• 8:58
  Speaker 4: to mold you and fascet you, you in a way
• 9:01
  Speaker 4: that grows you and matauries you into who you are.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I really, I really want to take my shoe
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: off off another wade because you know, I've never heard
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: it like that. Get like, I'm me trying to survive
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: is me trying to self preserve, and me surviving is
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: putting myself in position as God Like it's a problem
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: stelf to say, God, you know what, I actually got
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: the tools to do this, but so I'm gonna let
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: you watch. And that's then we get upset when we
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: God actually does the thing that we we said we
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: okay with him doing with our actions right, you are
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: talking so good.
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: So my my next thing is to.
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: Understand when when we're not in the place of self privation,
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: self preservation.
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: And especially what you're talking.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: You're talking about you being homeless, and I want to
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: kind of stay there because I did not know you
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: a homeless.
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: This this is because.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: This is like definitely on a path and we just
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: we just popped out the camera and said, let's start
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: a recording. But in your homeless season, what kipt you
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: believing in God?
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: Because it's that's such an.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: Easy way to say, you know what, Lord, I'm serving you,
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: but I'm not seeing the fruit of my labor. So
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: you must not love me, you must not connect with me.
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: I must have done something wrong, like you said, punishment,
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: like what kept your forward movement?
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: And where where are you now?
• 10:31
  Speaker 4: Ooh man? That what kept me on a forward movement
• 10:37
  Speaker 4: was realizing that promise still had not been achieved. When
• 10:44
  Speaker 4: God promised you something and you don't see the results,
• 10:49
  Speaker 4: I wasn't seeing it. I was like in a season
• 10:52
  Speaker 4: on my life, I was like, I don't understand. Why
• 10:53
  Speaker 4: does what's happen? Like you said, I felt like God
• 10:55
  Speaker 4: was punishing me. I felt like I did something wrong.
• 10:58
  Speaker 4: I felt like he was, you know, taking me through
• 11:01
  Speaker 4: the ringer. I saw Jokos who was being straight up
• 11:03
  Speaker 4: heathens and they it seemed like it was prospering and
• 11:06
  Speaker 4: I'm over here struggling. But what kept me uh s
• 11:10
  Speaker 4: forward and and just really in a in a mode
• 11:14
  Speaker 4: of just movement with God was realizing that, hey, what
• 11:19
  Speaker 4: he has promised, he is faithful to perform. And I
• 11:23
  Speaker 4: had not got to the place of performance yet, meaning
• 11:27
  Speaker 4: that when God brings you to that place where He
• 11:29
  Speaker 4: performs his word in your life, that is when you
• 11:32
  Speaker 4: begin to see the evidence and the fruit of that
• 11:35
  Speaker 4: which was already instilled into you. But it required certain
• 11:38
  Speaker 4: seasons to bring it out, to cultivate it, to bring
• 11:42
  Speaker 4: it to a level of maturation. And I felt like
• 11:45
  Speaker 4: because of that season, it increased my gratitude and increased
• 11:50
  Speaker 4: a level of appreciation for where I am today. And
• 11:55
  Speaker 4: it also taught me not to rely on man's system
• 11:59
  Speaker 4: MM because I had to really live and rely on
• 12:02
  Speaker 4: a supernatural God and I had to literally live in
• 12:06
  Speaker 4: a realm that I was not used to or accustomed
• 12:09
  Speaker 4: to because I was making my own money at the time.
• 12:12
  Speaker 4: I was independent, even when I was in college. I
• 12:15
  Speaker 4: had so many jobs because I was all about the bank.
• 12:17
  Speaker 4: I was all about the money, and then you go
• 12:20
  Speaker 4: from that and it being stripped. But what really kept
• 12:23
  Speaker 4: me spearheaded was knowing that when a minute God, you
• 12:26
  Speaker 4: gave me a word, you said some things to me
• 12:30
  Speaker 4: that I'm holding you too, And for you to break
• 12:33
  Speaker 4: your promise means you aren't a man of your word,
• 12:36
  Speaker 4: means you are not a god of your word. And
• 12:39
  Speaker 4: because you said it that I have to believe that
• 12:42
  Speaker 4: it's coming. It's going to have to come to pass.
• 12:44
  Speaker 4: So realizing that I had not been reached the season
• 12:48
  Speaker 4: of promise yet, but that God was going to bring
• 12:51
  Speaker 4: that into manifestation, That's what what held me in that
• 12:56
  Speaker 4: particular season. I wish I could say prayer. I wish
• 13:00
  Speaker 4: I could.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: Say you say that again though, because people know, no,
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: we as believers have to do better. Just the only
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: solution we have is prayer. Yeah that's a start. Yeah,
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: Like that's a start. But I think that we just
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: have to develop the courage and the language and the
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: finances because so most of us don't do more because
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: we claim being broke.
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying, Like.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: If that's the season that you're in that you're in
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: transition to your wealth.
• 13:29
  Speaker 4: Cool.
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: But sometimes you know, calling somebody.
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: Just sitting here, doing a conversation with them, going beyond
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: the prayer.
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: People need that my curiosity though, because I can only imagine, yeah,
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: myself and your situation, and I ain't gonna lie.
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: I'll probably be mad at them.
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah, if I'm honest, did you ever sence that or
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: experience anger with the Lord?
• 13:53
  Speaker 4: Oh? Absolutely? I got scars on my wrists because of it.
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: Tell us what happened with Okay.
• 13:58
  Speaker 4: What happened when my risks are Remember being in this
• 14:01
  Speaker 4: vehicle that was given to me. It was a nineteen
• 14:04
  Speaker 4: eighty seven Toyota Tursall with a hatch back. It was silver.
• 14:11
  Speaker 4: Somebody had given it to me as an inheritance. Their
• 14:14
  Speaker 4: father had given it to them as an inheritance. When
• 14:17
  Speaker 4: they passed, they decided to give it to me so
• 14:20
  Speaker 4: I can have a molda transportation. And I remember living
• 14:24
  Speaker 4: out of the trunk of my car. I remember my
• 14:27
  Speaker 4: underwear and my socks and stuff like that. Soap and
• 14:32
  Speaker 4: minstrel pads and all that stuff would be in the trunk.
• 14:34
  Speaker 4: Two brush, two paste. All these things would be in
• 14:38
  Speaker 4: like little cubbies that I would have to keep organized.
• 14:41
  Speaker 4: And I remember not being able to have access to
• 14:45
  Speaker 4: a restroom that I normally was able to go to
• 14:48
  Speaker 4: the bath because I would bathe out of the sink.
• 14:51
  Speaker 4: And now at the time, I was working downtown in
• 14:54
  Speaker 4: a law firm in downtown Saint Pete, and I didn't
• 14:59
  Speaker 4: have anywhere to shout work, so I had to do
• 15:01
  Speaker 4: a bird bath and.
• 15:03
  Speaker 5: They would say it a bird you go get the
• 15:13
  Speaker 5: bird bath.
• 15:14
  Speaker 4: Very bad. But I remember not having access to that
• 15:18
  Speaker 4: normal space that I was using, and I remember the
• 15:21
  Speaker 4: doors being locked, and I went back to my car,
• 15:25
  Speaker 4: and in frustration and anger, I just hit the roof
• 15:29
  Speaker 4: and I remember the piece of the roof literally scratched
• 15:33
  Speaker 4: all the skin off. As you can see, I got
• 15:35
  Speaker 4: a scar. So this scar reminds me of that day
• 15:38
  Speaker 4: of frustration, and because of that that moment that really
• 15:46
  Speaker 4: just brought just such a level of just great grief.
• 15:50
  Speaker 4: I remember I was grieving horribly. I had no one
• 15:53
  Speaker 4: to call, no one to pull on. At the at
• 15:56
  Speaker 4: the time, I had no resources or help during that
• 16:00
  Speaker 4: season of my life, and so I remember that was
• 16:02
  Speaker 4: a pivotal moment for me that really shifted me, and
• 16:06
  Speaker 4: I remember weeping after that expression of anger. I was like, God,
• 16:11
  Speaker 4: why you let this happen to me? I'm up for
• 16:13
  Speaker 4: serving you, I'm trying to do what you tell me
• 16:15
  Speaker 4: to do, and I'm here, this don't make sense. I
• 16:18
  Speaker 4: don't have the fruit that I'm supposed to have as
• 16:21
  Speaker 4: a person that's serving with you. And the truth be told,
• 16:25
  Speaker 4: many of us were dealing with that type of season
• 16:28
  Speaker 4: where we're believers, we have faith, we have all these
• 16:31
  Speaker 4: different things, but sometimes the fact that you don't have
• 16:34
  Speaker 4: the fruit is frustration enough because it seems like everything
• 16:39
  Speaker 4: else and everyone around you else is progressing and prospering
• 16:43
  Speaker 4: and you're not, and you're doing the right thing. But
• 16:45
  Speaker 4: it was this scripture that God brought me to when
• 16:49
  Speaker 4: I was in that moment, and it was a scripture
• 16:51
  Speaker 4: in Psalms when David said that when David was in
• 16:55
  Speaker 4: the when he got into the presence of the Lord,
• 16:58
  Speaker 4: when he shifted his trajectory and shifted his life into
• 17:01
  Speaker 4: a place in the presence of God, it was then
• 17:04
  Speaker 4: he understood. And it was that moment of understanding that
• 17:09
  Speaker 4: shifted him and gave him a different perspective like, wait,
• 17:12
  Speaker 4: I'm looking at this wrong. I'm looking at this differently.
• 17:15
  Speaker 4: I'm looking at this from the wrong set of lens.
• 17:18
  Speaker 4: God helped me to see this the way that you
• 17:21
  Speaker 4: desired for me to see this, and through that, God
• 17:25
  Speaker 4: just really processed my life from that moment to now.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: So I know my listeners are probably curious, like, just
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: so go ahead and ask this question, how in the
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: world did you end up homeless in the first place?
• 17:38
  Speaker 4: Ooh, I ended up homeless. You won't believe it.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: I'm in your business listening to another church member, okay,
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: telling me to move out of my safety.
• 17:51
  Speaker 4: Net, which was my parents' home. And I thought at
• 17:56
  Speaker 4: the time it was wise counsel. And it wasn't wise
• 17:59
  Speaker 4: counsel because at the time me and my parents we
• 18:02
  Speaker 4: were we had a very volatile relationship. I have a
• 18:07
  Speaker 4: excellent relationship with my parents today, praise be to God.
• 18:11
  Speaker 4: But at the time it was a it was a
• 18:13
  Speaker 4: real hard struggle living with one parent that wanted you
• 18:17
  Speaker 4: there and the other one that didn't. MM, And I thought,
• 18:21
  Speaker 4: I went to leadership then I'm I gotta be transparent.
• 18:27
  Speaker 4: I ain't blasting nobody, but I went and they told me, Hey,
• 18:31
  Speaker 4: just move out of your parents' house and then go
• 18:33
  Speaker 4: move with this person. And I moved with that person,
• 18:37
  Speaker 4: believing that was the wisest council. And from that point
• 18:41
  Speaker 4: on I lived as a transient and to the point
• 18:47
  Speaker 4: where I had nowhere else to go. Mm And it
• 18:50
  Speaker 4: wasn't that I wasn't a good uh tenant per se.
• 18:54
  Speaker 4: It was that for some random reason, they will always move.
• 18:59
  Speaker 4: Oh wow, oh wow, they were always.
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: Moved, not that you lost your place that you.
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: So if you had an opportunity to go.
• 19:15
  Speaker 4: Go ahead and talk to it, I would not have left.
• 19:19
  Speaker 4: I would have not have left my parents' house. I
• 19:22
  Speaker 4: would have allowed God to navigate me through those moments
• 19:26
  Speaker 4: because I had survived it all along.
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: What were you running away from? Though?
• 19:31
  Speaker 4: Abuse? Verbal abuse, physical abuse. A lot of things were
• 19:36
  Speaker 4: happening in that household that I was living in, and
• 19:41
  Speaker 4: that was it was an opportunity for me to escape
• 19:45
  Speaker 4: from that reality. And so I felt as though, Okay,
• 19:48
  Speaker 4: this is my opportunity. Let me lead because I'm tired
• 19:52
  Speaker 4: of fighting. I I'm tired of, you know, going through
• 19:55
  Speaker 4: the insults of one of my parents. But I had
• 19:58
  Speaker 4: not realized that it was a means in which God
• 20:01
  Speaker 4: was using to really develop me. But I ran from
• 20:05
  Speaker 4: that process and I had to learn an alternative way.
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: So now I'm curious to how you have abuse in
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: the household from people that birthed you, and then you
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: run to a father that we physically can't see right,
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: people are you as down if he's real or not?
• 20:26
  Speaker 4: You know?
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: And then you were homeless and then you're like, how
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: do you even make that make see? Like I'm just
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: saying like, yeah, your experience abuse, So how do you
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: even develop or introduce yourself to God? Like were you
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: introduced by your parents? I was introduced through my mom.
• 20:45
  Speaker 4: My mom at the time knew the Lord before I did,
• 20:50
  Speaker 4: and one day I just felt compelled to go to
• 20:54
  Speaker 4: church with her. And this was around I was like
• 20:56
  Speaker 4: twelve or thirteen around the time, and she really at
• 21:00
  Speaker 4: first she was like, uh, I don't know about what
• 21:03
  Speaker 4: upbreak you, but she listened to Holy Spirit brought me
• 21:08
  Speaker 4: to church and it brought me into just really a
• 21:12
  Speaker 4: relationship with God at a young age. But when I
• 21:15
  Speaker 4: got older, I realized the more I grew in God,
• 21:19
  Speaker 4: the more frustrated my father began to get, and the
• 21:24
  Speaker 4: more it brought out some things in him that wasn't
• 21:28
  Speaker 4: necessarily godly, But at the same time, I knew that
• 21:33
  Speaker 4: it was God still working in the midst of me
• 21:36
  Speaker 4: and my mom, and so we were wanting to be
• 21:40
  Speaker 4: that light to him. And in the midst of that,
• 21:43
  Speaker 4: it just brought up and aroused some hidden things and
• 21:47
  Speaker 4: it resulted in just really a toxic dynamic from that
• 21:51
  Speaker 4: moment on, And so I believe because of that toxic dynamic,
• 21:56
  Speaker 4: it created a level of resentment and bitterness and meat
• 21:59
  Speaker 4: Even though I was a young believer, but I really
• 22:03
  Speaker 4: didn't feel like a sense of loving loved, or belonging
• 22:07
  Speaker 4: or really not having my father he who was present,
• 22:12
  Speaker 4: but he wasn't present because of the nature of the beliefs.
• 22:16
  Speaker 4: So it was the conflicting beliefs in the household that
• 22:19
  Speaker 4: led to a trajectory of abuse because he felt like
• 22:23
  Speaker 4: he was losing control as well. And from that point,
• 22:27
  Speaker 4: when you are awakened into a level of truth, it
• 22:31
  Speaker 4: really causes a love of like of dissension in that household.
• 22:35
  Speaker 4: And so that's that's the space that I really truly
• 22:40
  Speaker 4: came from. And I know it's one of those things
• 22:43
  Speaker 4: where many people don't know that about who I am
• 22:49
  Speaker 4: because but it's one of those things that has really
• 22:52
  Speaker 4: curated and developed a love for the things of God
• 22:57
  Speaker 4: because of that situation circumstance. But that abuse led to
• 23:01
  Speaker 4: me wanting to know God even the more. During that time, however,
• 23:06
  Speaker 4: I was still broken. I was still hurt. I felt rejected,
• 23:10
  Speaker 4: I felt abandoned, I felt like I didn't have a father.
• 23:13
  Speaker 4: All those different emotions was taking place.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: So did how did you see yourself showing up in relationships?
• 23:20
  Speaker 4: Oh?
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: Due to that that experience?
• 23:24
  Speaker 4: Ooh, I think that was the hard part about relationally.
• 23:29
  Speaker 4: It silenced me. So a lot of relationships that were
• 23:33
  Speaker 4: pure that were sent to guide me I didn't know
• 23:38
  Speaker 4: how to respond to because I felt muted because of
• 23:41
  Speaker 4: the household experience. I felt like it muzzled apart, not
• 23:46
  Speaker 4: just me physically, but it muzzled who I was. And
• 23:49
  Speaker 4: as a result of that muzzly God would bring me
• 23:53
  Speaker 4: into spaces in relationships with people, but it made me
• 23:56
  Speaker 4: a horrible communicator. I never knew how to express hurt.
• 24:02
  Speaker 4: I never knew how to express a disdain or uncomfortability
• 24:05
  Speaker 4: for something. There were moments where I would shut down
• 24:09
  Speaker 4: because I didn't know how to communicate, and that that
• 24:13
  Speaker 4: was a result of what I was experiencing in my
• 24:15
  Speaker 4: house or in the household that I was I was
• 24:17
  Speaker 4: growing up with, and so it made me a horrible communicator.
• 24:21
  Speaker 4: I couldn't maintain friendships. I couldn't make why because the
• 24:27
  Speaker 4: trauma from that, yeah, we don't really understand, affects our
• 24:31
  Speaker 4: progression or our growth, yeah into our next And those
• 24:35
  Speaker 4: are things that you have to deal with and you
• 24:37
  Speaker 4: have to allow God to process you through. So now
• 24:40
  Speaker 4: I could now I'm a great communicator in my relationships
• 24:44
  Speaker 4: a bowl upfront while because I've had to get a
• 24:48
  Speaker 4: level of overcoming, uh from where and what I've experienced
• 24:52
  Speaker 4: during that season of my life.
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: So with you being this powerhouse voice like and you're
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: saying that the relationship.
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: Mute at you?
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, is that how you ended up in being a sawmist? Oh?
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: Now how did we get there?
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: Oh?
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: Hattie Tomlin? Now who was Hattie Hattie?
• 25:14
  Speaker 4: Miss Hattie Tomlin went home to be with the Lord
• 25:17
  Speaker 4: about three years ago, and Miss Hattie was the first
• 25:21
  Speaker 4: person ever who actually called out my gift even before
• 25:25
  Speaker 4: I had it. And I remember having a comer and
• 25:29
  Speaker 4: she was a older woman at church she taught me
• 25:32
  Speaker 4: how to make biscuits.
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: So we coming over the house to biss it.
• 25:36
  Speaker 4: Taught me how to make biscuits from scratch, some big
• 25:39
  Speaker 4: old biscuits, some buttermilk biscuits, and but one of the
• 25:43
  Speaker 4: things she was very intricate part of my life as
• 25:48
  Speaker 4: a woman and just as a sounding, a sounding born
• 25:52
  Speaker 4: of wisdom. And I remember one day she handed me
• 25:56
  Speaker 4: the CD and it was Luther bomb Burns in the
• 26:01
  Speaker 4: Red Bud Community Choir and it was from nineteen eighty seven,
• 26:06
  Speaker 4: the year I was born. And she was like, baby,
• 26:11
  Speaker 4: I want you to listen to this song. It was
• 26:13
  Speaker 4: track number six. See this is this thing. It's hevvy.
• 26:19
  Speaker 4: I say, I think I still got the CD, but
• 26:22
  Speaker 4: it was a track call He'll Never Leave Me Alone.
• 26:26
  Speaker 4: And she said, I want you to learn that and
• 26:29
  Speaker 4: one day I want you to sing it. And I
• 26:32
  Speaker 4: learned that song. And a week later I sung that song.
• 26:37
  Speaker 4: And that's how I ended up in doing worship just
• 26:40
  Speaker 4: at the local church, the local church I was attending
• 26:43
  Speaker 4: at the time, and I started when I was sixteen
• 26:46
  Speaker 4: years old. But I didn't go into Salmon Street until
• 26:51
  Speaker 4: I got filled with the spirit.
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: But talking about it's.
• 26:56
  Speaker 4: A difference between a worship leader and a song. And
• 27:02
  Speaker 4: we often say worship leaders are those who just set
• 27:05
  Speaker 4: that a besphere or create I like to say whatever
• 27:12
  Speaker 4: that is, but I think a worship leader is more
• 27:15
  Speaker 4: of a facilitator of an environment. So you facilitate it.
• 27:21
  Speaker 4: You can facilitate it with known songs, spontaneous songs, meaning
• 27:24
  Speaker 4: there are songs that come from you unto the Lord.
• 27:27
  Speaker 4: But when you go on the psalmistry, it is more
• 27:30
  Speaker 4: spirit influenced. And so you take yourself out of the picture.
• 27:35
  Speaker 4: And now you become this voice piece or this sounding
• 27:38
  Speaker 4: board for God. And then God begins to sing to
• 27:42
  Speaker 4: you his heart and you sing it over the people. Lord.
• 27:45
  Speaker 4: God begins to give you the word of the Lord
• 27:48
  Speaker 4: through songs. And so when it comes to psalmistry, the
• 27:52
  Speaker 4: spirit of God writes the song. It is the spirit
• 27:56
  Speaker 4: of God that navigates the moment. It is the spirit
• 27:59
  Speaker 4: of God that knows what is needed during those moments
• 28:03
  Speaker 4: those times. That's why I'm a firm believer that every
• 28:06
  Speaker 4: worship leader or should move from a place of just
• 28:11
  Speaker 4: singing songs to now be in an enabler where God
• 28:16
  Speaker 4: can utilize to speak his heart and so we must
• 28:19
  Speaker 4: move from set lists into spirit led moments in sounds,
• 28:24
  Speaker 4: because you don't know who's in the room who's dealing
• 28:26
  Speaker 4: with suicide, You don't know who's in the room dealing
• 28:29
  Speaker 4: with specific things. But God can use you as a
• 28:32
  Speaker 4: conduit in a vessel to sing his heart, minister his
• 28:36
  Speaker 4: heart to those that are dealing with specific things. This
• 28:39
  Speaker 4: why I believe we have to shift musically and really
• 28:44
  Speaker 4: get back to the times of old when music has
• 28:48
  Speaker 4: such an ancient dimension on it that it brought impact
• 28:52
  Speaker 4: not only just to a church or an assembly, but
• 28:55
  Speaker 4: to a region. And so I believe every worship leader
• 28:59
  Speaker 4: needs to have a prophetic nature about who they are,
• 29:02
  Speaker 4: and they shouldn't be stuck on setless. Set Lists are
• 29:05
  Speaker 4: good because they'll spring you into spontaneous prophetic moments, but
• 29:09
  Speaker 4: you must shift from being carnally inspired to spirit inspired.
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: That's so good, that's so good.
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: That reminds me of I was on Instagram and I
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: cannot remember the person right now, but basically what the
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: leader was saying was that there it should be, there's
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: a sound for the house.
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: It might have been my own pastor. Oh, it might
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: have been my own pastor.
• 29:31
  Speaker 4: I don't.
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: I'm not sorry if that was you passed geno, But no, seriously,
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: they said that what the church is missing is their
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: own sound, like there should be plenty of more search
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: of like songs in the earth, because we take the
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: sound of elevation, we take the sound of even psalm,
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: it's rain or somebody like that, and we try to
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: make it our own sound, which that's beautiful. Well, but
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: you there are words for your community, there's words for
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: your church. And I never thought about it like that.
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: So for somebody that's trying to pivot in that in
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: that space, what advice would you give to them?
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: Like how can they practically do it?
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: Because some people are just be honest, the prophetic thing spooky,
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: the prophetic scene, scary, the prophetic scenes, it's not tangible.
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: Like me and DESI way always have a conversation.
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: She'd be like, how you how you knowing how you did?
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: And I was like, at this point, I you know
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: this what happened to me. I can't say what happened
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: for you, Like I'm not.
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: There with the word, I'm teaching it.
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: So how would you encourage someone that's interested in going
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: to that next level? But maybe fearful or hesitant because
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: they don't they're not confident that they hear God prophetically
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: in song.
• 30:49
  Speaker 4: Oh the biggest thing I tell people, read the Bible,
• 30:55
  Speaker 4: read your word, study their and because he's the Here's
• 31:04
  Speaker 4: where the fear comes in when you sing scripture out
• 31:09
  Speaker 4: of context, because we hear a lot of spontaneous prophetic,
• 31:16
  Speaker 4: but it's out of scriptural context, which means it sounds good,
• 31:21
  Speaker 4: it sounds deep, it sound powerful, but it ain't right doctrinally,
• 31:26
  Speaker 4: and it doesn't it lacks even the nature of God.
• 31:30
  Speaker 2: That's not even how God is.
• 31:32
  Speaker 4: And so sometimes when you don't study who God is,
• 31:36
  Speaker 4: you don't study his nature, you don't study the scriptures
• 31:39
  Speaker 4: for yourself, and you die you digest it because a
• 31:42
  Speaker 4: lot of this is a lot of what we're hearing
• 31:44
  Speaker 4: is not scripturally sound, and we're singing things that sound good.
• 31:50
  Speaker 4: And I don't want to go there with a particular
• 31:52
  Speaker 4: song because I don't want to call nobody out. But
• 31:55
  Speaker 4: like these songs where it talks about come in the room,
• 32:00
  Speaker 4: why is he coming if he lives in you so
• 32:08
  Speaker 4: she weak? I'm trying to understand come. Why are we
• 32:12
  Speaker 4: asking Holy Spirit to come? With Holy Spirit should already
• 32:18
  Speaker 4: have residents on the inside of us. And so I
• 32:22
  Speaker 4: believe that there are moments when we could sing songs
• 32:25
  Speaker 4: to try to unify people and bring people on one
• 32:27
  Speaker 4: accord with an agenda. But we have to be careful
• 32:30
  Speaker 4: to not sing from a place of we don't know God,
• 32:34
  Speaker 4: because it shows. And so I would say, study your
• 32:38
  Speaker 4: study your word for yourself. Study the scriptures, be a
• 32:43
  Speaker 4: have a Bahrean spirit, so that when you sing, you'll
• 32:46
  Speaker 4: sing out of the flow of the abundance of the
• 32:50
  Speaker 4: Word in you, and you'll sing it from a place
• 32:53
  Speaker 4: of not just you confident in knowing what the scripture is,
• 32:57
  Speaker 4: but singing from that place of revelation, meaning that revelation
• 33:01
  Speaker 4: is not deep information, it's a person. And so when
• 33:05
  Speaker 4: you've studied God, now you sing from that relationship that
• 33:11
  Speaker 4: you've gained from your time of study and prayer. I
• 33:14
  Speaker 4: will also say, live a life for fasting. We abandoned
• 33:18
  Speaker 4: fasting because we like to eat, and I think sometimes
• 33:22
  Speaker 4: our bellies become our God. And because our bellies become
• 33:26
  Speaker 4: our God, we rely too much on our self, our ability,
• 33:30
  Speaker 4: our talent, our strength, what we've learned technically, musically, all
• 33:35
  Speaker 4: those different things are good. But I think what it
• 33:38
  Speaker 4: does it curates a level of the spirit of God
• 33:42
  Speaker 4: so that you can navigate and move, Because you have
• 33:44
  Speaker 4: to keep in mind, you're not singing for you, you're
• 33:47
  Speaker 4: not singing for your congregation, you're not even singing to
• 33:50
  Speaker 4: appease your pastor. But you're singing to align a body
• 33:54
  Speaker 4: of people with the heart of God in those moments.
• 33:58
  Speaker 4: And so I would say, prayer, pray, prayer, intercession, FASTI
• 34:03
  Speaker 4: Studying the scriptures is a start. Another thing is practice
• 34:08
  Speaker 4: in the presence, doing it in your old personal time,
• 34:13
  Speaker 4: curating this environment through putting on an instrumental, grabbing the
• 34:18
  Speaker 4: word and singing the scriptures. So it's not this this uh,
• 34:24
  Speaker 4: this formulated moment that you try to curate from rehearsal,
• 34:29
  Speaker 4: but it's a time that of authentic devotion that you
• 34:32
  Speaker 4: vealed it to God to make make that depth be
• 34:37
  Speaker 4: within you. And so I think we have to make
• 34:40
  Speaker 4: sure that we put the spirit of God back into
• 34:43
  Speaker 4: what rightfully belongs to him and and align ourselves sacredly
• 34:49
  Speaker 4: with what He's doing in the earth.
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: So yes, that's says so good. You said a word
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: that started to be something spirit, was it?
• 34:58
  Speaker 4: Brien yes, mean, okay, Brians, the Bahreans with those in
• 35:03
  Speaker 4: the Book of Acts, who would gather on a daily
• 35:06
  Speaker 4: basis to dissect and discover the scriptures to learn what
• 35:11
  Speaker 4: they really mean. We call them Bible studies, okay. And
• 35:15
  Speaker 4: so Bible studies were these set aside time where they
• 35:18
  Speaker 4: would reason the scripture talks about how they would reason
• 35:21
  Speaker 4: with one another, not debate. They were reason with another
• 35:25
  Speaker 4: one another to find out what the scriptures are saying.
• 35:29
  Speaker 4: And so I believe that's another thing that we have
• 35:32
  Speaker 4: to make sure, even when you're moving into that place
• 35:36
  Speaker 4: where you're shifting from just being a worship leader or
• 35:39
  Speaker 4: into to a prophetic one or psalmistry, have a community
• 35:43
  Speaker 4: of people who would centralize you on the main thing,
• 35:47
  Speaker 4: what's of importance, what's of value, and have that community
• 35:51
  Speaker 4: of people be surrounding you to grow you and strengthen
• 35:55
  Speaker 4: you in the things that pertain to your call and
• 35:58
  Speaker 4: you're the grace of God upon your life.
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: Now I'm gonna steal your language because I want to
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: sound smart than my pastor. He is apologetic. So PG,
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: don't watch this, Oh don't watch it.
• 36:09
  Speaker 2: It came from me. It was my spirit poured.
• 36:12
  Speaker 4: Off on HUDs. Oh God, because out of it though,
• 36:18
  Speaker 4: pulled it out of it though.
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: Oh but okay, so I know we you know, spiritual
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: and stuff like that.
• 36:24
  Speaker 2: But let's let's get into some tangibility.
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: Oh okay, okay, So the people want to know has
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: tagged me?
• 36:31
  Speaker 2: Okay, we're speaking on relationships?
• 36:36
  Speaker 4: What what? What?
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: What?
• 36:37
  Speaker 3: Good sense is?
• 36:38
  Speaker 2: She singles? She's seeing people? Is she's dating?
• 36:41
  Speaker 4: I am single?
• 36:42
  Speaker 2: You're single? I want to be married.
• 36:44
  Speaker 4: Oh yes, I absolutely do want to be married. I
• 36:46
  Speaker 4: want children as well.
• 36:48
  Speaker 2: Okay, but I'm not in a rush.
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: You're not tell man of God, I'm not in a rush.
• 36:55
  Speaker 4: Okay.
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: So has God shown you like details of your huss
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: a little?
• 37:01
  Speaker 4: Okay?
• 37:01
  Speaker 2: Can we well maybe we shouldn't. Maybe we shouldn't because
• 37:06
  Speaker 2: no Rica, let me just tell you.
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: So we're around the same age, right, and so I
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: feel like people like you you just have to have
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: a husband, because ain't no way like no he have
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: to hide me.
• 37:19
  Speaker 2: Well, yeah, I ain't gonna lie.
• 37:22
  Speaker 6: I need a man because I need I do need
• 37:25
  Speaker 6: a man, because I'm if you were you, you were
• 37:28
  Speaker 6: more spiritual than me, and I know what I experienced
• 37:32
  Speaker 6: tangibility Okay, okay, And so even.
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: Even what's the lady in North Carolina, the pastor in
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: North Carolina leg I think it's legacy community. She's African
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: doctor faith. Okay, you never forget she said this word.
• 37:50
  Speaker 1: She said, if you're prophetic, you want to be married
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: because your hormones are aroused. And that is a real thing.
• 37:59
  Speaker 1: I don't think that we talk about that enough. I
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: think because we're so close to the Lord, our hormost
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: get even more rouse.
• 38:07
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, like so, I think that.
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: We weaponized hormonal interests. That's that's the way I can
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: say it, because we're still on be GTV. Okay, and
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: we weaponized it and not said, you know what, let's.
• 38:27
  Speaker 2: Let's reason with each other, let's talk about it us.
• 38:31
  Speaker 4: Let's let's see.
• 38:32
  Speaker 2: Okay, you want to be married? Okay, cool?
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: How are you managing yourself through this season of being
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: this hyper spiritual being and going home?
• 38:40
  Speaker 2: And you know, I think it was.
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: Prophet Sofi propertly so feel when she she went home
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: one day and she was like, I don't want to
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: take out the trash no more.
• 38:51
  Speaker 2: That is a real moment. So like, what is that
• 38:54
  Speaker 2: like for you?
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: Because I know I'd be like, oh, I'm finally to
• 38:57
  Speaker 1: a place where like, Okay, Lord, is your is your? Yeah?
• 39:02
  Speaker 4: Because I don't. I don't like taking out the trash,
• 39:05
  Speaker 4: I'm tired of cooking. I don't even like to do
• 39:09
  Speaker 4: my laundry. I want to share my my load with
• 39:14
  Speaker 4: somebody like I want to share my Lord. I want
• 39:19
  Speaker 4: to share my frustration with somebody. And so I believe
• 39:23
  Speaker 4: for me. Let me, let me just say this. I
• 39:26
  Speaker 4: want to be married. I'm gonna be married, and I'm
• 39:30
  Speaker 4: gonna have me a couple of children and have fun
• 39:33
  Speaker 4: doing and have fun doing it. But I think one
• 39:36
  Speaker 4: of the things that, like you said, is not taught
• 39:38
  Speaker 4: about enough is sexuality and spirituality. And it's almost a
• 39:44
  Speaker 4: curse to the to churchingdom to say you're you're spiritual,
• 39:51
  Speaker 4: but you don't have no emotion. One of the thing
• 39:53
  Speaker 4: that I realized when I got older into my thirties,
• 39:57
  Speaker 4: I realized, I ain't Yes, I'm gonna knowing it, but
• 40:01
  Speaker 4: there is a human nature, and it is a human
• 40:06
  Speaker 4: body that I am living in, even though I'm spirit first,
• 40:11
  Speaker 4: but I live in this body. And this body craves
• 40:15
  Speaker 4: certain things, it desires certain things, It looks out of God.
• 40:19
  Speaker 4: And be like, Lord, have mercy, my God, you did well.
• 40:24
  Speaker 4: But I'm learning we don't like to have conversations like
• 40:28
  Speaker 4: that because we fear that in talking about certain things
• 40:33
  Speaker 4: about sexuality, we'll lose our holiness or our sanctity and
• 40:40
  Speaker 4: things of that nature. But one of the things I've
• 40:42
  Speaker 4: learned that keeps me focused and grounded is though even
• 40:46
  Speaker 4: though I have all of these emotions and feelings like
• 40:49
  Speaker 4: the average woman, I'm learning also to be conscious that
• 40:57
  Speaker 4: there are certain things, like the scripture talks about, that
• 40:59
  Speaker 4: you do not awakened before time, because when you awaken
• 41:04
  Speaker 4: it is where you awaken it. You got a whole
• 41:07
  Speaker 4: thing that's on the loose. But I'm also realizing that
• 41:11
  Speaker 4: God can create a level of balance in you to
• 41:15
  Speaker 4: where you can still have relationships with the opposite sex
• 41:19
  Speaker 4: and not want to go rogue in a moment in time.
• 41:23
  Speaker 4: And I think when you have when you create healthy
• 41:26
  Speaker 4: boundaries even with the opposite sex. Because I have more
• 41:29
  Speaker 4: God friends than I have a female friends, and so
• 41:34
  Speaker 4: I naturally I've always had dynamics like that. But one
• 41:38
  Speaker 4: of the things that has helped me is creating those
• 41:41
  Speaker 4: healthy boundaries. Do the context of just just God and
• 41:46
  Speaker 4: and and just establishing a level of listen, what I
• 41:50
  Speaker 4: do requires my purity, keeping that in mind that what
• 41:55
  Speaker 4: I do for him, what I do for God, requires
• 41:58
  Speaker 4: a level of purity, requires a level of sobriety. It
• 42:02
  Speaker 4: doesn't take away my humanists, but it requires a level
• 42:05
  Speaker 4: of me saying hey, ah or no, this is the
• 42:11
  Speaker 4: Valdary lie. You honor and respect that. And so even
• 42:15
  Speaker 4: with that, I believe that it is just really just
• 42:20
  Speaker 4: made me more focused on the call, not abandoning that reality.
• 42:26
  Speaker 4: But because I'm so focused on the call, I'm also
• 42:29
  Speaker 4: preparing on the back end. So I don't abandon that desire,
• 42:35
  Speaker 4: but I'm still in preparation mode until God brings him
• 42:39
  Speaker 4: along for me to come into alignment with Why are
• 42:43
  Speaker 4: you looking at me like that?
• 42:44
  Speaker 2: Because because you're right, I mean, you're right.
• 42:52
  Speaker 4: I'm just saying you're right. You just said this so eloquently.
• 42:57
  Speaker 4: You know, I had to fight togear. Oh yeah, but
• 43:00
  Speaker 4: you're talking to somebody who not only was homeless, right,
• 43:05
  Speaker 4: but who dealt with about a pornography for thirteen years.
• 43:10
  Speaker 4: So I had to It's a level of denial that
• 43:14
  Speaker 4: comes with that that when you've been in that level
• 43:18
  Speaker 4: of bondage you just want to do it right because
• 43:22
  Speaker 4: you realize the level of weaponsry that the enemy can
• 43:27
  Speaker 4: use in a sacred union called marriage because of that spirit.
• 43:33
  Speaker 4: And so that was something that I had to deal with,
• 43:36
  Speaker 4: and I struggled with that for years, Like I said,
• 43:40
  Speaker 4: dealing with that level of addiction, and now God having
• 43:43
  Speaker 4: to purify my perspective on who he is, on who
• 43:48
  Speaker 4: men are, and even on who women are, because the
• 43:52
  Speaker 4: enemy will come along and he'll project these different narratives
• 43:56
  Speaker 4: in your life. But one thing I understand is that
• 43:59
  Speaker 4: that is a weapon that the enemy can use. But
• 44:01
  Speaker 4: I have to get rid of that. And I had
• 44:04
  Speaker 4: to get rid of it because I knew it would
• 44:06
  Speaker 4: affect what God would make sacred later down in my
• 44:10
  Speaker 4: blood line. And so you're not the holiness and the
• 44:14
  Speaker 4: purity and the responsibility and staying pure is not for you.
• 44:20
  Speaker 4: It's to preserve your bloodline from continuing in a trajectory
• 44:24
  Speaker 4: as always been because I have siblings and family members
• 44:29
  Speaker 4: who have relationships and things of that nature. But the
• 44:33
  Speaker 4: outcomes weren't always healthy. But it started in a root,
• 44:39
  Speaker 4: something rooted in sexuality, and so I know that's a
• 44:44
  Speaker 4: weapon that the enemy can use. So I fight hard
• 44:47
  Speaker 4: to maintain it because I know it can go another way.
• 44:53
  Speaker 2: You're talking real good. You're talking really.
• 44:57
  Speaker 1: First of all, you have revealed a lot in these past.
• 45:01
  Speaker 4: You said we you said, yeah, I'm glad I.
• 45:05
  Speaker 2: Felt safe enough to do it though.
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: Because something you know to talk up to say, you know,
• 45:09
  Speaker 1: I was addicted to porn. Shout out to my my dog,
• 45:15
  Speaker 1: a pastor, pastor, Mark Matching. Okay, let me tell you
• 45:19
  Speaker 1: something real quick, sis, I don't when when you said
• 45:23
  Speaker 1: that he his his space, amaiately came to my head
• 45:26
  Speaker 1: because that's how I was introduced to him. He was
• 45:28
  Speaker 1: speaking and he always says up his speeches like okay,
• 45:33
  Speaker 1: I was addicted to porn, but the Lord just ripped
• 45:36
  Speaker 1: me from it or whatever. I don't have no problem
• 45:38
  Speaker 1: that problem no more. I didn't have no problem more.
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: And he was doing it while he was in marriage too,
• 45:42
  Speaker 1: Like he was married and the Lord took He was
• 45:45
  Speaker 1: a minister, he was a pastor, and for people like
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: I think the biggest thing he holy Spirit.
• 45:53
  Speaker 2: I've even shared my testimony.
• 45:54
  Speaker 1: I'll experience adultery twice, right because I wanted to be.
• 45:59
  Speaker 1: I wanted to be I want your wife or whatever,
• 46:02
  Speaker 1: it's just a whole entanglement in it. If y'all want
• 46:04
  Speaker 1: to see the testimony, it is on another episode. Okay,
• 46:07
  Speaker 1: all right, but we deal with these things, but people
• 46:11
  Speaker 1: look at us like, yeah, you know, y'all would never
• 46:15
  Speaker 1: deal with that type of thing, or but that's what
• 46:18
  Speaker 1: that throwing in.
• 46:19
  Speaker 4: Your flesh or what we have experienced kept it.
• 46:22
  Speaker 1: Like made us run to God, or it makes you
• 46:26
  Speaker 1: settle and just say, you know, because I did. I
• 46:28
  Speaker 1: settled for years, and like, you know what, since I
• 46:32
  Speaker 1: can't be nobody's wife, or since I can't or since
• 46:35
  Speaker 1: I can't this you know it, I.
• 46:36
  Speaker 2: Guess this is it.
• 46:37
  Speaker 1: I literally had a moment where I just said, you know,
• 46:39
  Speaker 1: this is it, this is all, This is all, and
• 46:42
  Speaker 1: I was literally walking dead. And so I'm grateful that
• 46:45
  Speaker 1: you shared that information because so many more people need
• 46:49
  Speaker 1: to understand the fight and understand what we're fighting for
• 46:54
  Speaker 1: and fighting from.
• 46:56
  Speaker 4: Right.
• 46:56
  Speaker 1: So I'm grateful little Shondles just shown them.
• 47:00
  Speaker 2: Oh I saw it.
• 47:02
  Speaker 4: I saw it.
• 47:03
  Speaker 2: Your Shondau, just shondal what you want to say.
• 47:05
  Speaker 7: Oh Jesus, Because I think as gifted people, we struggle
• 47:12
  Speaker 7: with a lot that doesn't get a really enough space
• 47:19
  Speaker 7: for like conversation, and I think it is conversations like
• 47:23
  Speaker 7: this that liberate people the most because it becomes a
• 47:26
  Speaker 7: safe place or a safe hateness for people to say, Man,
• 47:30
  Speaker 7: I could relate to that.
• 47:31
  Speaker 4: I deal with that because I think for a long
• 47:34
  Speaker 4: time I hid from my testimony. I didn't want anybody
• 47:41
  Speaker 4: to know my testimony or my story. But it was
• 47:45
  Speaker 4: my life's story that has positioned me in my life
• 47:50
  Speaker 4: today to be who God has created me to be.
• 47:54
  Speaker 4: I would have never you couldn't tell me I would
• 47:57
  Speaker 4: be doing what I'm doing. And I never asked for this.
• 48:00
  Speaker 4: I never prayed for this. I never asked for open doors, platforms,
• 48:04
  Speaker 4: none of this stuff. I'm grateful God that's given it
• 48:06
  Speaker 4: to me. But the mayor of fact that he brought
• 48:09
  Speaker 4: me out of so many different traumatic moments, and that
• 48:12
  Speaker 4: only just brought me out, but healed me so I
• 48:15
  Speaker 4: can go help somebody else. I gotta tell it. I
• 48:19
  Speaker 4: gotta tell the truth about my story in itself, and
• 48:23
  Speaker 4: if my story can can be a blessing to somebody else,
• 48:26
  Speaker 4: then I know I gotta tell it. But shame, you know,
• 48:30
  Speaker 4: creeps in it makes you feel as though I can't
• 48:33
  Speaker 4: tell this because I don't want to about to look
• 48:35
  Speaker 4: at me differently, and I don't want to water down
• 48:38
  Speaker 4: who I am by telling the truth of what I experienced.
• 48:41
  Speaker 4: And then because you think it's gonna take away from
• 48:43
  Speaker 4: who you currently are, but that's who you was. It's
• 48:48
  Speaker 4: a part of the narrative. But it's only your history,
• 48:51
  Speaker 4: but it's not your your current your current state of.
• 48:54
  Speaker 2: Who you are.
• 48:55
  Speaker 4: But I believe we have to be more honest because
• 48:59
  Speaker 4: that's what brings freedom and liberation.
• 49:01
  Speaker 1: It's because if people are more honest, more transparent, then
• 49:06
  Speaker 1: I can take you away from a road that go
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: down from if who would have told me that married.
• 49:12
  Speaker 2: Men saw that single women? Jesus, I probably would have.
• 49:17
  Speaker 1: I I just want to you know what I'm saying,
• 49:20
  Speaker 1: Because do you think I just signed up?
• 49:23
  Speaker 2: Do you think I just say, hey, I want to
• 49:26
  Speaker 2: be a side piece.
• 49:29
  Speaker 4: Let's just I want a single song, but side.
• 49:36
  Speaker 1: Side just one to sign up and be like that. No,
• 49:40
  Speaker 1: I want my own and I'm okay, you don't. You
• 49:42
  Speaker 1: don't just sign up for it. You don't just say, hey,
• 49:44
  Speaker 1: let me just click on this poem. Let's just watch
• 49:46
  Speaker 1: it like.
• 49:47
  Speaker 4: Hb c O.
• 49:48
  Speaker 2: Wait, not HbCO.
• 49:50
  Speaker 4: What is that HBO HBO like a HBO channel or
• 49:54
  Speaker 4: h two HBO two. But that what y'all. One of
• 50:09
  Speaker 4: the things I've learned is that anytime those things make
• 50:14
  Speaker 4: it an appearance in our life, it is because it
• 50:19
  Speaker 4: was undealt with from a previous generation and whatever somebody
• 50:24
  Speaker 4: else was given the responsibility to handle whatever unfinished business
• 50:30
  Speaker 4: there is. It gets put on you until you finish it,
• 50:35
  Speaker 4: until you finish it, until you finish it off, until
• 50:37
  Speaker 4: you killed the goliath, until whatever you want to call it.
• 50:41
  Speaker 4: But it's a lot of us that are walking or
• 50:44
  Speaker 4: living in unfinished business because it just exists in our
• 50:49
  Speaker 4: our lineage. But one thing I'm grateful for is that
• 50:53
  Speaker 4: when it comes to God, he allows it to take place.
• 50:59
  Speaker 4: But I do I believe that He does allow it
• 51:02
  Speaker 4: to take place so that it could produce in someone
• 51:06
  Speaker 4: in that line a warrior, a fighter, a perseverer, whatever
• 51:11
  Speaker 4: the case may be. Because I think we we we don't,
• 51:15
  Speaker 4: we don't keep in mind that God's objective is still
• 51:18
  Speaker 4: to make sure that those that come from that lineage,
• 51:22
  Speaker 4: or that blood line, it is raised up for his good,
• 51:25
  Speaker 4: for his for his purpose and his glorious That's.
• 51:28
  Speaker 2: So good I'm so glad you said that.
• 51:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because it's important because we're not living for at
• 51:33
  Speaker 1: this point. You can't be a bloodblind breaker and live
• 51:35
  Speaker 1: for yourself. You can't say I don't want to experience this.
• 51:37
  Speaker 1: I want legacy. I want and not die. Going back
• 51:41
  Speaker 1: to the dying to yourself. Yeah, you got to die
• 51:43
  Speaker 1: to yourself. Listen, this has been a great time.
• 51:46
  Speaker 4: Yes, if you're gonna.
• 51:48
  Speaker 2: Have to come back, I do you wanna have to
• 51:49
  Speaker 2: come back? I want to come to the studio, Come
• 51:52
  Speaker 2: to the studio.
• 51:52
  Speaker 4: The studio.
• 51:55
  Speaker 2: Was that good? Was that on key? Yeah? Thank you? Okay,
• 51:58
  Speaker 2: I just wanted to I just wanted to make sure
• 52:00
  Speaker 2: it was on key.
• 52:01
  Speaker 1: I was just trying to make because I've made the
• 52:03
  Speaker 1: key sometime, I ain't gonna try to gain enough.
• 52:06
  Speaker 4: Well, you ain't told enough.
• 52:11
  Speaker 2: He's so silly as a tradition.
• 52:14
  Speaker 1: Oh here on Just as the podcast, if there was,
• 52:18
  Speaker 1: I know we talked about a lot, but.
• 52:19
  Speaker 2: If there's anything that you came.
• 52:21
  Speaker 1: With your heart that you that you didn't get to say,
• 52:26
  Speaker 1: or that you really want to say, even things something
• 52:27
  Speaker 1: something that you know it's unrelated to what we were
• 52:30
  Speaker 1: talking about. Because I know you're a little prophetic just
• 52:33
  Speaker 1: a little bit, you know what I'm saying. I would
• 52:35
  Speaker 1: like to give you the floor to just release in
• 52:37
  Speaker 1: this moment.
• 52:38
  Speaker 4: Oh my goodness, Well it's a lot. We didn't say
• 52:46
  Speaker 4: make sure you zoom in on that plot. You know
• 52:49
  Speaker 4: that little zoom effect.
• 52:52
  Speaker 2: You are so so.
• 52:54
  Speaker 4: But I do want to say this to anyone that
• 52:59
  Speaker 4: is it is probably a difficult, uncomfortable season of your life,
• 53:04
  Speaker 4: whatever that season entails, whatever your experiencing. I would like
• 53:10
  Speaker 4: to say unto you is that do not lose your
• 53:15
  Speaker 4: focus on the promise, because that is what matters the most.
• 53:19
  Speaker 4: And I believe sometimes we can get so caught up
• 53:22
  Speaker 4: in what is happening to us that we abandon our posts,
• 53:26
  Speaker 4: we abandon our responsibility, we abandon our faith, we abandon
• 53:30
  Speaker 4: our trust in God. And so I want to encourage
• 53:33
  Speaker 4: every listener, every viewer, to remain stand fast in that
• 53:38
  Speaker 4: which God has called you in a position you to do,
• 53:41
  Speaker 4: and to make sure that your life is yielded in
• 53:43
  Speaker 4: such a way because you don't understand what it is
• 53:45
  Speaker 4: is producing in you the oil that is needed for
• 53:49
  Speaker 4: a people, that is needed for a time, that is
• 53:51
  Speaker 4: needed for a generation. And we need your poor but
• 53:55
  Speaker 4: your poor must come from the level of endure and
• 54:00
  Speaker 4: process that you are undergoing. So be encouraged in your faith,
• 54:04
  Speaker 4: be strengthed, maintain hope, faith and trust in God.
• 54:09
  Speaker 2: Amn sheare a little oily.
• 54:11
  Speaker 1: Yuys he a little oily, y'all tell us what y'all
• 54:13
  Speaker 1: thinking the chair. If you made it this far, there's
• 54:16
  Speaker 1: a reason why, all right, and so if you haven't
• 54:19
  Speaker 1: already subscribed, make sure you do that.
• 54:21
  Speaker 4: Tune in.
• 54:22
  Speaker 1: Tell Rica how much she blessed you. Any questions that
• 54:25
  Speaker 1: she had, I'm pretty sure she don't answer them. So Rica,
• 54:28
  Speaker 1: I want to say thank you, Thank you, Desiree, thank
• 54:31
  Speaker 1: you for being on their flow and doing your producer
• 54:34
  Speaker 1: thing and travel thing. And I want to thank you. Okay,
• 54:38
  Speaker 1: thank you so much for tuning in. But until next time,
• 54:41
  Speaker 1: until next week, remember life could be much more simple
• 54:45
  Speaker 1: if you just ask.
• 54:52
  Speaker 2: Thank you for tuning in to this week's episode.
• 54:55
  Speaker 1: Since you've made it this far, you might as well
• 54:57
  Speaker 1: connect with us on all social media platforms. A deep
• 55:00
  Speaker 1: Jessica S.
• 55:01
  Speaker 2: Smith.
• 55:02
  Speaker 1: I know I won't see you back until next week,
• 55:05
  Speaker 1: but until then, remember to love always yourself and always
• 55:11
  Speaker 1: thank thank God for one another day.
• 55:15
  Speaker 3: Hey, Hey, I know we could be another way. Hey,
• 55:22
  Speaker 3: pray thank God for another day. Hey, hey, I'm just
• 55:28
  Speaker 3: thankful another day. Hey hey, another day, Oh, another day wise,
• 55:36
  Speaker 3: another day to get it right, another day to rise up,
• 55:38
  Speaker 3: another day living, another day. We loved ones. I always remember,
• 55:42
  Speaker 3: hold it down for a ball.
• 55:44
  Speaker 2: One yelp.