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Finally Good News: How to Support Your Friend with Infertility · Love and Science Fertility

• 0:34
  Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Love and Science podcast.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: This week we're going to talk about something that really will strike a chord with a lot of you, I think, and that's that situation where you're trying to know, like, who do I tell about this fertility journey?
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: Who do I not?
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: Maybe you know, maybe you're even lucky enough that you're newly pregnant after a long, long journey, and you're just really hesitant because not only are you navigating your own sea of emotions with the pregnancy and hoping it continues and all those things, but you're also imagining telling friends or family members who are going to have their own reaction right, and maybe from your perspective, they're a little bit too excited, or maybe you're fearing that if something bad happens, that you might be sort of stuck with all of their grief in addition to yours and really kind of not knowing what to do with that.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: So what I wanted to do in this episode, which was inspired by one of my amazing clients, is to really give some suggestions for friends and family members who, like I said in the Fertile Friend episodes one and two if you haven't listened, then please go back and listen to those.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: That'll give you some additional information.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: But what to do when you're feeling excited.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: You're feeling like you want to be in the know and you don't quite know what to do with that.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: Right, you want to be supportive, you want to be sensitive, but you're not quite sure what to do with that.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: So today I'm going to be providing five suggestions, if you're a friend or family member who knows someone undergoing this process, to really allow you to give the most support possible in the most steady way possible that, hopefully, will allow the person going through this to feel as safe as possible and as open as possible, so that the relationship can be as helpful as possible during this difficult time.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: So I'll just preface this by saying, if you've never gone through infertility treatments or you've never had recurrent losses yourself, it can be very, very hard to understand just the depths of despair that this is right.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: It's just it feels like death.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: It feels like nothing's ever going to work.
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: It's a really, really dark time for people and even if you can say, oh no, it's going to work sometime, don't worry about it, you just need to do X, y, z.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: That's not hopeful in terms of honoring the experience of the other person, because it really does feel like death and darkness from the perspective of the person who's struggling.
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: And so even if there is good news along the way like maybe somebody gets a good group of embryos or maybe they even have a new pregnancy I think tampering the excitement, knowing what to say and what not to say, these sorts of things can go a long way.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: So, just as you listen to these suggestions, if you're the person supporting somebody who's going through this process, just understand that maybe how you see the situation is going to be in a much brighter light than the way that the person themselves is experiencing it, and that's okay.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: But just try and imagine it from the perspective of the person who's suffering and just know that your brightness might be more helpful if it's turned down a few notches, if that makes sense, okay.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: So my first suggestion of how to help a friend who recently has good news is to really let them lead the way.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: I think about all the different holiday gatherings we have and either just like check-ins about oh I know you had an egg retrieval, or I know you had an embryo transfer or a beta HGG, all those things.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: Ask them ahead of time how you want, how they excuse me how they want you to check in with them, like do they want to discuss, do they not?
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: Did they want to be the one to share the information?
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: Because so much of the fertility process is not being in the driver's seat right, feeling out of control, feeling powerless.
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: And if there's one thing that a person can really have agency over, other than mindset, is really kind of how much information to share and in what way and with whom.
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: And so if you acknowledge that you know you're here to be supportive, you want this information to be shared on the timeline that works for them, right?
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: Then I would say you know I'm going to take your lead.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: I want to be sensitive to the fact that you may not want to talk about these things, you may not want to give me updates, but if you want me to check in, you know, let me know and that's, you know, that's what I'll do.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: Or if you know you're going to see them at, like, a dinner out or a holiday gathering or something, just ask them ahead of time.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: How do you want to handle that situation?
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: I think it's a lot better when the person who's going through the experience is the one who is sort of calling the shots in this way, and I mean that might mean that you know they've gotten their beta HEG and they haven't told you yet.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: And in that situation, if they've said I need some space, I'll tell you when I have something to share, it really means that you need to honor that boundary right and that will actually strengthen the friendship in the longterm.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: But just sort of saying they're the.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: So the second suggestion I have for somebody who is in your situation right, you're a friend, a family member who is trying to support a person who you know is going through this process and, like I said, maybe has even gotten good news recently is just to recognize the things that you dream about the future together and kind of assume that there's going to be children in the mix.
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: Right, maybe there's that.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: And that vision is so far from what the person who's struggling can see that that's like a wound that's festering and painful, painful, and really it just gets reopened by sharing that vision of having your families be together when perhaps you have children and the other person doesn't.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: Right, that's a very painful chasm.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's that you sort of probe too much from their perspective and want details on the process and maybe they really prefer that you back off and that it really does make them uncomfortable when you check in so much, right?
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's that you have a toddler and the only times that you get together you bring the toddler with you and, just as a reminder, anytime somebody with infertility sees a little one, it really is quite triggering, even if it's, like you know, rationally.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: We know that babies are cute and toddlers are often cute and all those things Like when somebody else has something that you really and maybe even desperately want to have, just that sort of difference, that awareness that somebody else hasn't you don't, sort of difference, that awareness that somebody else has and you don't.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: It's just human nature to feel jealous and sometimes even resentful.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: So really be mindful of, like, how your presence, how your words, how the people you bring with you might make that person uncomfortable and just be sensitive, right?
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: I really do think you know it's everyone's responsibility to communicate what they want and need right To the other person.
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: So I do think that like this may even warrant a conversation like hey, I know that you're going through this fertility journey and I know that you know there may be things that I'm unconsciously doing that are making you uncomfortable or might, you know, increase your pain, and I don't want to do that.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: Like, have I said something thus far that made you feel uncomfortable or what sorts of things would you prefer that we not talk about?
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: Like I really want to be as sensitive as possible and understanding that I haven't gone through this.
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: Like I may not know the right words to use, I may say things I don't mean and I don't want to do that.
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: So, just being really open, because it's not something like I can create a list I meaning Coach Erica, a list of all the things that are triggering to people who are struggling, because for every single person, that list is going to look a little bit different, right?
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's that on a certain anniversary of a miscarriage, right, maybe the due date of the baby that would have been had, things continue differently.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: You know, maybe it's that there's some sensitivity and you plan to do a little ritual that day.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: Like it's not always about avoiding things, sometimes it's about adding things in.
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: But it's just like that sensitivity that the experience of that other person is not the same as your experience, that other person is not the same as your experience.
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: And so really thinking very intentionally about what actions can I do to make this person feel more safe and loved and supported.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: What can I do so as not to trigger another person, even if I don't mean to?
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: How can I increase my awareness so that my very presence is more loving and less triggering to somebody for whom I care deeply about?
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: So, like I said, I do think that you know, especially if it's a close friendship or family member, like these, these upfront conversations can be really, really helpful.
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: But just committing to the fact that it's a safe space, that you know you're talking because you care, you know because you want to maintain the friendship, you want to deepen the friendship, you want to grow in love and support, that's the point.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: And so it does take some humility, you know, and some lack of defensiveness.
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: If your friend says, oh yeah, that time that you sort of said X Y, z or told me I just needed to go on a vacation and relax, like that was really painful, like whatever it is like.
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: Approach it with humility.
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: But just understand that we can all do better and we can all create safer spaces.
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: And so just take it with spirit of openness that you know we're all learning.
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: We're all learning how to better love, how to better support and I think even the sheer fact of doing this will help that person feel more supportive, supported.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: The third suggestion I have is I've heard this a lot lately that people often assume that, because their particular cultural traditions or ways of interacting are a certain way, that that's the way that the other person wants to be communicated with.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: So, like one example is you know, I was talking to somebody recently in acquaintance who is saying oh, you know, you don't understand, in my culture, like every, there's no boundaries.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: This is actually somebody who was pregnant.
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: There's no boundaries.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: Like all these people live together and there's no personal space, there's no emotional space.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: And you know, I just understand, as a pregnant person, that you know I'm just not going to have any any space, and so just understand, as a pregnant person, that I'm just not going to have any space.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: And so, for instance, that is somebody who might then treat other people in their lives with that same set of rules, right?
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: So it's like, okay, I can ask people any question at any hour, any time, or this is just how people communicate.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: Boundaries are not really a thing, but they are a thing.
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: Loving and flexible boundaries do help us.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: And so you know, in that situation, that person was actually.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: They were speaking about themselves.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: They were saying, like you know, I expect that I can have no boundaries, because this is my cultural tradition and in my tradition we just don't have any boundaries.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: And so just that awareness that, well, maybe that's not true, maybe you can set a boundary.
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: What would that look like?
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: Maybe there's somebody from a culture where family is very important and there's just always many family members around.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: People ask very personal questions all the time, all those things, and they're like oh, but that's just how I am, that's just how we communicate.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: I would argue that just because we're from a certain culture with certain ways of relating to each other, that doesn't mean that we can't learn new ways of being and communicating and loving each other.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: I'm from an Italian Catholic family where, hey, there weren't a lot of personal boundaries growing up either, and I have to say, as much as I love my tradition, there's things that are good about that and things that aren't so good about that, and I think, as I've gotten older, I've realized okay, well, where can a boundary help a situation?
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: What do I need to do to feel authentic and also assuming, just because I'm from this tradition and this is how people act with a pregnancy test or act with a baby shower or delivery whatever.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: That doesn't mean that other people want and expect that same sort of treatment with those sorts of mores and those sorts of rules.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: And so this comes back to the first point of letting the person who is struggling with infertility lead the way, even if they've just gotten good news, right.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: So many people say, well, I don't want to tell my family and friends because I'm just worried that they're going to be overly excited.
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: Right, and you might be listening and being like what?
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: There's no such thing as overly excited.
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: This is a new baby coming into the world.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: This person's been struggling all this time, but I think, really understanding that again, the experience of the person who has been struggling, it's a dark place, right, it's a place of hopelessness, it's a place of despair, it's a place of a lot of bad news in the past, and so, really, people need to take this step-by-step with the news.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: So that leads into my fourth suggestion, which is to temper your excitement.
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: That may sound super strange, right, like why would I ever need to temper my excitement?
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: But I will say that the number one reason why people with infertility don't share what they're going through with family and friends is because the emotions of other people are just adding a burden that is too much compared to their own set of feelings and emotions and stresses.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: So my best recommendation is to really just sort of turn the notch down a few notches, right, turn the volume down on the excitement, because what's happening is that the person who is getting the good news they're just like when's the other shoe going to drop?
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: Right Like, what bad news is down the road for me?
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: Because all I've ever gotten is bad news.
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: And so the more neutral or sort of the more regulated you can be about this situation, the more safe that other person is going to feel in terms of trusting that whatever happens is going to be okay.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: Right, because if I, the well-meaning friend, right Like get super excited and jumps up and down and give somebody a hug, the first thought that's going to come into the mind of the person I'm congratulating is, oh shoot, when something goes wrong, there's going to be a big fall from grace here.
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: Right, like I'm really going to have to comfort this person in their grief when things don't go well.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: So I think, really, taking a very metered, very perceptive, very sensitive stance.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: You know like, hey, I'm so, I'm so glad to hear this news, like I know it's been such a long road for you.
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: You know we're going to take this step by step Right, like not getting too far ahead, focusing on what the person just shared, acknowledging that it's good news, but not being overly excited.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: I really think that's the best space, because you know you might be thinking 10 steps ahead oh, our kids are going to be in school together, we're going to go on vacations together and all that stuff.
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: But at this point the person who's struggling cannot vision that baby yet.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: Right, it's still a pregnancy, it's still a beta ACG, it's still oftentimes, especially when someone's been struggling for so long.
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: So just really turn the volume down.
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying to be Eeyore, but I'm saying to really just acknowledge that that person is extra sensitive to everything and so acknowledging the good news, taking their lead, that's really the best way to go.
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: My fifth suggestion, if you are in the life of somebody who is struggling with infertility and maybe even has gotten good news because that's sort of the flavor of this podcast today is to really come back to gratitude and the longevity of the friendship, and every single friendship has seasons, right, there's chapters.
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: Maybe somebody started a new job, maybe somebody moved across's chapters.
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: Maybe somebody started a new job, maybe somebody moved across the country.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: Maybe somebody is newly pregnant, maybe somebody is going through infertility.
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: Like you know, there's different phases of life and I think sometimes it's really helpful to zoom out with love and appreciation and just think about how grateful we are for that other person, right, just like see all of them, think about how long you've known them, think about everything you've gone through together, think about how they helped you through the hard times and maybe now you can be a support during this hard time.
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: Right, and really express that gratitude, because I think so often we get really caught up in the details, like what was that beta HGG?
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: You know what was your ultrasound, what you know what are your next steps, all these things, and sometimes that's traumatic and the person themselves may not want to talk through all those things.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: But I think that if we can take three steps back and just be like, I am so glad we're friends, I'm so glad that we have each other for the hard times and the good times, and you know you're a forever friend for me, you're, you're.
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: You know we're in it, in it for the long haul together, right Like I.
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: I can think of a few friends of mine who really meet that you know, meet that bill.
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: Like I know that we're forever friends and what a beautiful thing.
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: So sometimes just taking a step back and thinking about the big picture can be really helpful to just say, yeah, this is a season.
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: It may look a little different than some other seasons, but I know we're going to get through it together, okay, so with that, I'm going to review my five suggestions for the person who is supporting somebody with infertility, especially in the setting of some recent good news, to really help to create that culture of safety, that safe space, that loving, respectful and nurturing environment, so that the person feels comfortable, feels comfortable continuing to share if that's applicable, and really trying to understand, especially if you haven't gone through this yourself, how to be as supportive as possible.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: So number one is let the person themselves lead the way, whether it's sharing information or withholding information or bringing things up or not.
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: Ask them exactly what they want and do your very best to give them what they want in that way.
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: My second suggestion is to recognize the things that you do that might trigger them or make them feel uncomfortable Because, again, like we don't have this awareness until somebody shares it with us, we might even not know that something we said was hurtful.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: So welcome that conversation.
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: Come from a place of love and support, and then that will give you the awareness that you know there may be things that you've already done that are hurtful, or it also might give you a sense of what to avoid moving forward or maybe even what to add in to help somebody feel as supported as possible.
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: My third suggestion is to really have some cultural sensitivity and to recognize that maybe your own cultural tradition does not have the same ways of communicating that the person needs in this moment.
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: So try and take a step back, look at yourself as a human, understand that maybe your conditioning or ways of growing up might not serve your friend at this moment and maybe it does, but maybe it doesn't and just really look at them and ask them what they need and meet them where they are.
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: My fourth suggestion is to take the lead of the other person in terms of the level of excitement.
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: My experience working with tens of thousands of women with infertility is that when good news finally happens, nobody's excited, it's like neutral at best, because it's really just sort of walking this tightrope of saying, okay, like finally something went well.
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: I still feel scared, I still feel anxious, I still feel something bad like might happen, but I'm going to keep walking forward and make it to the next milestone.
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: So, hey, if the person, if your friend with infertility is super excited and crying tears of joy, then by all means meet them where they are.
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: But you kind of want to mirror them in where they're at emotionally, because otherwise it's just too much and then your feelings actually become a burden to the other person.
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: And again, everything that we're talking about today is in the spirit of sort of making it as easy as possible for a friend to open up and share and just feel safe and supported.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: And again, if you know me in real life, you know that I really I wear my heart on my sleeve.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: As my boss says, you never don't know what I'm thinking at any moment, right?
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: So it's like I really do also think about this in my own life and I'm very conscious and intentional when I approach somebody who's had a long journey to really take their lead, because I know that will be a safe zone both for me and both for them, and that I will then tune into my intuition and offer the support they need.
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: But again, an emotional mismatch it just doesn't help anybody.
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: All right, my last suggestion is one of my favorite things, which is gratitude.
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: Really, think about the longevity of the friendship.
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: Think about how long you've been friends with that person, everything you've gone through together, and just recognize that this infertility time is a season, that maybe you're at different stages of your family building that's a season, and just really hold space for that person with love and gratitude and appreciation, share with them how much you care about them, and I really do think that it's kind of like marriage, right we say in sickness and in health.
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: I think that good friendships really do go through different seasons of good news for some and bad news for others, but just knowing that you're connected in love and respect, I think that that goes a really long way.
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: So with that I will leave you.
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: I hope this helps lots of people who supporting people with infertility to be just a little more sensitive, a little bit more humble.
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: Again, everyone here is well-meaning.
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: It's just if I had a nickel for every single time somebody said that they had heard something that they received as insensitive.
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: You know it.
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: Just, it gives me a lot of pain understanding how much lack of awareness there is out there in very well-meaning people.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: So my goal here is to bring awareness and to help improve relationships and really to create a little bit more safety for people who are navigating this journey.
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: I love you.
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: I'll talk to you soon.
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: Bye.