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How can we set healthy boundaries in romantic relationships? · Wellbeing Solutions - Ask A Counsellor

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Boundaries are an essential part of any relationship because they help us communicate our needs, protect our well-being, and build mutual respect.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Rather than creating distance between partners, boundaries actually strengthen relationships by encouraging trust, honesty, and understanding.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: They are not designed to punish the other person or to be an ultimatum.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: They're designed to move forward together within both persons' capacity.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: So one of the most important skills in that is active listening, which means giving your partner full attention, avoiding interruptions, and making an effort to understand what they're actually saying instead of thinking about your response, your focus on their understanding and their perspective.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: So, for example, simple responses such as it sounds like you're feeling disappointed, or I can understand why that upsets you shows your partner that they've been heard.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: When people feel listened to, they are often more willing to listen in return.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: So that can make it easier to discuss topics.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Empathy is also really important.
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  SPEAKER_00: For example, if your partner feels hurt because you want more personal space, a clash on that is completely normal and understandable, but an empathetic response might be I understand that you might feel worried when I ask for alone time.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't because I don't care about you, it's because I need some time to recharge so we can be fully present when we're together.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: This acknowledges your partner's emotions while still expressing your own needs clearly, and it gives them something to sit with and a reasonable expectation for what is sustainable for you.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: There is also assertive communication.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Being assertive about your needs means expressing your feelings and needs honestly, respectfully and confidently without becoming aggressive or passive.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: So, as counsellors, we often use the use of I statements, which I have discussed in a previous episode, and they focus on your own feelings rather than blaming the other person.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: For example, instead of saying you're too controlling, you could say, I feel overwhelmed when I'm expected to reply to you directly when I'm in work.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: I need to focus, but I'll always respond when I'm available.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: This reduces defensiveness and it keeps a conversation respectful but practical.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Say, for example, imagine one partner enjoys spending Friday evenings with her friends and but her partner expects them to spend every weekend together.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of avoiding the conversation or agreeing out of guilt, partner A would use counselling skills to set a healthy boundary.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: She'd begin by listening to her partner's concerns and reflect back to them saying, I can hear that spending weekends together makes you feel connected and supportive.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: She then explains her own needs using an I statement.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: I really value our time together, but I also need time with my friends because those relationships are very important to my well-being.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Finally, she'd suggest a compromise by saying, I'd like to keep Friday evenings for my friends and we could do something special out together every Saturday.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: This conversation demonstrates that setting boundaries doesn't have to lead to arguments.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: By listening actively, showing empathy, and communicating assertively, both partners have the opportunity to feel respected and understood.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Counselling skills are really important in how we actually set boundaries because they encourage problem solving rather than blame or defensiveness and help couples work together to find solutions that adequately meet everybody's needs.