Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 137: Will They Ever Change? How to Know if you Should Stay or Go

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137: Will They Ever Change? How to Know if you Should Stay or Go · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:21
  My name is MaryAnn Walker and I'm the life coach for impasse and highly sensitive people.
• 0:26
  And I'm super curious.
• 0:27
  Have you ever found yourself left, wanting in relationship hoping that the other person will change?
• 0:33
  And you're continuously feeling disappointed when they don't change.
• 0:38
  It can be really painful to navigate relationships where we're left wanting.
• 0:42
  And sometimes it can be confusing as we're thinking through.
• 0:44
  Okay.
• 0:44
  Well, I want to hold onto hope that things can be different.
• 0:47
  And that they can make changes.
• 0:49
  But sometimes they make changes and sometimes they don't and some people have zero intention of changing.
• 0:56
  Now I was raised in a very religious home where I truly believed that anybody could be changed with enough love.
• 1:03
  In fact, when I was in grade school.
• 1:06
  I remember making my hands, do the sign for, I love you and reflecting that sign of, I love you down to hell.
• 1:13
  Thinking.
• 1:14
  Maybe Satan is just misunderstood.
• 1:16
  Maybe Satan is just not that bad of a guy and he just needs a little bit of love.
• 1:20
  And then he'll change and he won't be so problematic for people.
• 1:25
  And it is comical to reflect on that now.
• 1:28
  And also, oh my goodness.
• 1:30
  I cannot tell you how many times I have reflected on that experience in my work with super kind loving and empathetic people that truly do seek to see the best in people.
• 1:42
  Many of my clients believe that if they just show up a little bit better, then magically their partner, their parent, their friend, their in-laws.
• 1:51
  The cashier at the store, somehow they will magically change and become exactly as kind and thoughtful and empathetic as they are.
• 2:00
  And then they can finally have the relationship that they are seeking.
• 2:05
  And it makes sense that they feel that way, right?
• 2:07
  The brain loves to look for things that are in our control, which means sometimes it tricks us into thinking we have more control over things than we actually do.
• 2:15
  Because we think if I can just control the situation, then I can change it.
• 2:20
  Which is true to an extent.
• 2:23
  But while we can have influence on other people.
• 2:26
  We don't actually have the power personally to change them that has to come from them.
• 2:32
  My audience is generally so full of hope that other people will change that oftentimes they remain in toxic relationships for longer than other populations.
• 2:43
  And sometimes they might even find that they're making excuses for the other person's behavior.
• 2:47
  For example, they might find themselves saying something like, oh, well they're just really stressed right now.
• 2:51
  Once they've completed this project, then they'll be able to show up for me in the way that I need.
• 2:57
  But after that project comes to an end.
• 3:00
  Another project pops up.
• 3:02
  And then another, and as these projects keep popping up, they keep making excuses for the others inability to show up for them or to reciprocate in relationship.
• 3:15
  Or maybe when a partner is emotionally abusive, they might tell themselves, well, if I keep showing up well for them, if I keep showing up in love and kindness, if I keep being forgiving...
• 3:25
  then they will learn through my example and they will start to be kind to me.
• 3:30
  All right.
• 3:31
  But meanwhile, their kids are learning from their example that they should tolerate mistreatment and they're not learning the valuable skill of learning, how to have self respect and how to state boundaries.
• 3:44
  Or maybe they're even telling themselves, well, they're only treating me this way because of their drinking.
• 3:49
  They're only acting this way because of the alcohol.
• 3:51
  But even in periods of sobriety, then the underlying behaviors remain unchanged.
• 3:57
  And that cycle of hoping and waiting continues.
• 4:01
  Or maybe they're thinking, well, they just need some time to heal from their past trauma.
• 4:06
  And once they feel safe in this relationship, and once they've done their healing, Then they'll start to respect me.
• 4:12
  So I'm just going to play the long game.
• 4:14
  And sit around hoping that they're going to initiate that healing, hoping they're going to initiate those changes so that then we can have a healthy relationship.
• 4:22
  But then they might discover that months or even years pass, and that person is still continuing to be dismissive or neglectful.
• 4:29
  And they're fine with them doing self-help, but why w why would they want to do that for themselves?
• 4:33
  Right.
• 4:33
  They're not actually creating that change for themselves.
• 4:36
  And this is all happening while the one who was holding out hope is growing more depleted and disconnected from their own needs.
• 4:44
  It is really easy to think that it's the loving thing to do, to continue to love and to give and to lead by example, in spite of the neglect and the abuse that you might be receiving in return.
• 4:58
  But a really interesting thing to notice is that not only is the other person not changing.
• 5:03
  Right.
• 5:03
  That's what you're upset about is you're thinking, well, they're not changing.
• 5:06
  But guess what?
• 5:07
  Usually the person remaining in relationship with them...
• 5:10
  they're not changing either.
• 5:11
  So they're holding out for hope that the other person will change to fix their experience, but they aren't actually being proactive about creating the change that they need for themselves.
• 5:19
  Does that make sense?
• 5:20
  So they aren't actually acknowledging that they are playing the same role in the story that they've always been playing that has created this very scenario.
• 5:30
  We teach people how to treat us through the behaviors that we are, or are not willing to tolerate.
• 5:37
  And if you want things to change, you need to be really honest with yourself and with them about what it is that you are and are not willing to tolerate.
• 5:45
  And don't just use your words, but also use your actions to convey what it is that you're willing to tolerate or not tolerate.
• 5:52
  Telling them that you won't tolerate these specific behaviors, but continuing to show up is actually teaching them and conveying the message that, oh, it's fine.
• 6:00
  I'm going to forgive you.
• 6:01
  You don't have to change.
• 6:03
  You can continue to treat me this way because I'm going to keep showing up and tolerating this mistreatment.
• 6:09
  And this is mixed messaging.
• 6:12
  Okay.
• 6:13
  Your words and your actions.
• 6:14
  First of all, they're not matching up.
• 6:15
  So that's mixed messaging, but the predominant message comes through your actions and your actions are conveying the message that you are going to be tolerant of their mistreatment of you.
• 6:26
  So use your words and your actions to convey what it is that you will and will not tolerate in relationship.
• 6:34
  And let's just be really honest right now that some people honestly have zero intention of changing.
• 6:40
  Some are willing to change in order to have a more balanced relationship and a relationship that is more fulfilling for you.
• 6:47
  Other people are not willing to change.
• 6:49
  They don't see any reason why they should change.
• 6:52
  And we might tell ourselves that, oh, well, the other person is just really misunderstood.
• 6:57
  And with enough love, then we can turn that beast into a prince.
• 7:01
  Or we can find our Mr.
• 7:03
  Darcy he's really rough on the surface, but with enough love, we can get to that softy underneath.
• 7:08
  Right.
• 7:08
  There's a lot of messaging and media that tells us that this is a high probability that we can change people with our love.
• 7:15
  But some people are just not willing to change and remember that if they don't have any desire to change, it's unrealistic to think that our love and continued devotion will change them.
• 7:28
  When people show you who they are.
• 7:30
  Believe them.
• 7:31
  Watch their words, watch their actions and believe them when they tell you who they are.
• 7:36
  It's really easy to think that it is the loving thing to do to see someone's potential.
• 7:41
  But if that person doesn't have any intention of achieving that potential, they might actually have the potential to be the amazing human that you want them to be.
• 7:49
  But if they haven't demonstrated that they have any intention of achieving that potential, then it's not actually loving them to continue to hope that they will change into somebody that they're not.
• 8:01
  In fact, we're not loving them at all.
• 8:03
  We're loving who they could be, but guess what they are choosing not to be that person.
• 8:09
  And in some cases, continuing to show up in love and kindness when they are not showing up in love and kindness, then it may actually be exacerbating the situation.
• 8:19
  There was one client I worked with where she really had this belief that she could change her friend.
• 8:24
  The relationship was really out of balance.
• 8:26
  This woman was showing up in, we'll just call her empathetic Emma.
• 8:29
  Right.
• 8:29
  That's my go-to now empathetic emma was showing up and love and kindness in this relationship thinking, okay, well, if I just show enough love, then we can have some balance in this friendship and it's going to be okay.
• 8:40
  So I'm going to love, I'm going to serve, I'm going to keep showing up and it sounds great on the surface, right?
• 8:46
  But eventually empathetic Emma's friend actually told her.
• 8:50
  She said, you know what?
• 8:50
  I'm just going to be honest with you.
• 8:52
  The more kind you are.
• 8:54
  And the more service you do for me, the more I dislike you, it actually makes me really angry when you do those things for me.
• 9:02
  So in other words, When my client was showing up as what she thought was her best, most loving, most selfless self, hoping for that reciprocation of love and service and friendship.
• 9:15
  It actually made this"friend" treat her even worse.
• 9:21
  Now there are phases in life where we may want to choose to continue to show up in love and support for others.
• 9:26
  Even when we know that they're not going to be able to reciprocate.
• 9:30
  So for example, maybe you're the caregiver of a family member and they just do not have the capacity to give back.
• 9:35
  Or maybe a friend is going through a really hard season in life.
• 9:38
  And you know that for this season, they're not going to be able to reciprocate and you choose to show up anyway.
• 9:45
  That is beautiful.
• 9:46
  And that is a choice.
• 9:46
  And that is something that we may choose to do, especially this population, right?
• 9:50
  We're the ones that enjoy loving and serving other people.
• 9:53
  But for today, we're going to be talking about how to know when it's time to set a boundary in a relationship or how to know when it is time to move on and check out the show notes, because I do have additional episodes on this very subject.
• 10:06
  There's one specifically on stating boundaries as a highly sensitive person and another one on how to navigate it when it is time to end a relationship or move them to a different level of expectation in relationship, how to adjust those expectations.
• 10:20
  So check out the show notes, if you would like to learn more in those episodes.
• 10:24
  But for right now, just really know that it is actually super simple to know when it is that you need to state a boundary to know when it is that you need to create some change for you.
• 10:33
  In fact it is so simple.
• 10:35
  I'm going to put it in three simple steps.
• 10:36
  Okay.
• 10:37
  So number one.
• 10:39
  Notice what their words are saying.
• 10:41
  Number two, notice what their actions are saying.
• 10:44
  And number three, see if their words and actions match up and adapt accordingly.
• 10:50
  And while this is super duper simple, right?
• 10:53
  That was three simple steps.
• 10:54
  It sounds great while it's simple.
• 10:57
  It's not always easy.
• 10:58
  So let's kind of see a little bit what this looks like in practice.
• 11:02
  K notice their words versus their actions.
• 11:05
  It's really easy to believe the words that somebody says, especially when those words seem sincere or when they're offering us hope.
• 11:12
  We really turn up the volume on what it is that we want to hear.
• 11:16
  Now there's this movie dumb and dumber.
• 11:18
  I don't know if you've seen it or not, but there is this scene in the movie where this guy's going up to the beautiful woman and saying, well, Hey, like what are the chances that somebody like you and somebody like me could get together.
• 11:30
  And she's like, that's like a million to one.
• 11:33
  And he says.
• 11:34
  So you're telling me there's a chance, right?
• 11:37
  That's exactly what we do.
• 11:39
  We are so much seeking for that hope and that reassurance that they could potentially show up in the way that we'd like them to that we're neglecting to see that the odds are a million to one that they're going to do that.
• 11:50
  So make sure that you're really seeing things clearly that you're watching their words and their actions, because words are really easy to speak.
• 11:59
  It's really easy for people to placate us with words.
• 12:03
  Actions on the other hand, they require effort and consistency.
• 12:07
  So when someone says that they'll change or when somebody says that they are sorry for how they've treated you, don't just listen....
• 12:15
  watch.
• 12:16
  When we want to believe something that somebody says it's really easy to turn up the volume on their words and ignore their actions, but pay attention to both.
• 12:24
  So really notice do their words and their actions match up.
• 12:28
  Or do their actions convey a very different messaging from their words?
• 12:32
  Are they making consistent, meaningful changes over time?
• 12:36
  Or are they simply trying to like pacify you in the moment?
• 12:39
  And they're not actually creating lasting change?
• 12:42
  For example, imagine a friend who repeatedly cancels plans with you.
• 12:47
  And then they're always apologizing and promising to do better.
• 12:50
  But every time that you reschedule with this friend, they end up canceling again.
• 12:54
  You just can't count on them showing up.
• 12:56
  So their words are expressing regret, but their actions are actually revealing a pattern of unreliability.
• 13:03
  So in this case, their actions and not their words are the truth.
• 13:07
  If you have to choose between words and actions, turn up the volume on their actions.
• 13:13
  All right.
• 13:13
  Another example, let's say your partner says that they're sorry for being emotionally unavailable and they're promising to be more attentive.
• 13:20
  And for a week or two, they do make small efforts like asking how your day went or spending more time with you.
• 13:27
  But soon after that week or two they're reverting back to their old habits.
• 13:32
  So these temporary changes, they might feel really encouraging at first.
• 13:36
  Right.
• 13:36
  Because that's exactly what we're looking for.
• 13:38
  So we turn up the volume on that and tell ourselves that yep.
• 13:41
  They're changed.
• 13:42
  This is going to be great from here on out.
• 13:44
  But it's the lasting change then that's, what's revealed through consistency over time.
• 13:48
  So not just a short burst of effort, but consistency over time.
• 13:54
  Sometimes people will make small efforts when they're confronted about their own behaviors.
• 13:58
  And this can feel very confusing because it's hard to know.
• 14:01
  Are they truly trying or are they just doing enough to keep you from leaving?
• 14:05
  Right.
• 14:06
  So here's how to tell the difference.
• 14:07
  Look for that consistent effort.
• 14:10
  Do they maintain these habits over time?
• 14:12
  Or do they fall back into old patterns once the pressure's off?
• 14:15
  Genuine change is reflected in steady ongoing actions, even when it is hard.
• 14:20
  Or inconvenient.
• 14:21
  And I'm going to say, especially when it is hard or inconvenient or going to see that they are trying, it's not a temporary fix.
• 14:28
  But it's really working to create that lasting change.
• 14:31
  Also notice if they're being proactive about their own behavior.
• 14:35
  Are they making changes on their own or are they only showing up when you're reminding them?
• 14:39
  Oh, Hey, remember I like it when you do this.
• 14:41
  Oh, Hey, remember I need this and yes, sometimes we need reminding.
• 14:46
  But if the only time that they work to fill your needs is when you're nagging them.
• 14:51
  Use that as information.
• 14:54
  For example, let's say that there's someone who's been really distant in relationship.
• 14:58
  And you see them, let's say that even seeing when you're out at a grocery store, you have a random encounter with them.
• 15:03
  And they're telling you, Hey, you know what?
• 15:05
  I really want to rebuild the relationship that we once had.
• 15:07
  I really want to have a more meaningful connection with you again.
• 15:11
  And after that exchange, then they might call you once or twice, but then you don't hear from them for months.
• 15:16
  And then contrast that with someone who after apologizing, they're making a point to check in with you regularly.
• 15:22
  They're inviting you over to spend some time together they're following through on their commitments.
• 15:27
  So the difference lies in the sustained effort over time, not just in the initial words of an apology.
• 15:33
  And the best apology is always, always, always changed behavior.
• 15:40
  When they show you who they are, believe them.
• 15:44
  And know that you are the only one that you can control in any situation.
• 15:48
  So if you are upset that they are not changing, take a look at the ways that you are also choosing to not change.
• 15:55
  And ask yourself, okay, what message am I sending in relationship?
• 15:59
  Because ultimately you are the only one that could decide how long it is that you want to stay in a relationship that isn't honoring of you.
• 16:06
  So ask yourself some questions, ask yourself, okay.
• 16:08
  What is my personal timeline for how long I need to see lasting change to know what's going to be lasting change.
• 16:14
  What is my personal timeline?
• 16:15
  What am I looking for?
• 16:16
  And be clear on that?
• 16:17
  Ask yourself, what am I going to do if I don't see this change in this allotted time?
• 16:22
  And how am I going to follow through on that?
• 16:24
  What change am I going to take?
• 16:26
  If they're refusing to change, what am I going to do?
• 16:29
  Also acknowledge that your choosing to stay in that relationship.
• 16:33
  It is a choice.
• 16:35
  We like to feel victimized by people not treating us well.
• 16:39
  But just remember that your staying in relationship, it is in fact a choice.
• 16:44
  And if you are choosing to stay, we have lots and lots of reasons to stay ask yourself what are my reasons for staying and do I like these reasons?
• 16:52
  Maybe you do like the reasons that you're choosing to stay, maybe you don't, but be really honest with yourself about the fact that you are choosing to stay, why you're choosing to stay.
• 17:00
  And if you like, or do not like your reasons.
• 17:03
  Ask yourself.
• 17:04
  Am I choosing into this relationship?
• 17:06
  Because I've seen evidence that I can hope for change.
• 17:09
  Or am I choosing to stay in this relationship out of fear of change or, or just a insecurity of mine?
• 17:15
  Like, why am I choosing to stay in this what's happening for me?
• 17:20
  The truth is you cannot change someone who is unwilling to change themselves, your love, your empathy, and your efforts while beautiful and valuable....
• 17:27
  they cannot force someone else to be who it is that you need them to be.
• 17:32
  People change because they choose to not because we wish them into transformation.
• 17:39
  So your challenge for this week is I want you to think about one relationship where you've maybe been holding onto someone's words.
• 17:45
  Rather than their actions and ask yourself what have their actions consistently been showing me.
• 17:51
  Work to really see this person clearly look at their actions.
• 17:55
  And what do their actions say about who they are?
• 17:59
  Then ask yourself, am I honoring my own needs and boundaries in this relationship?
• 18:04
  And what choices can I make today to better support my wellbeing?
• 18:08
  Do I need to take space in this relationship?
• 18:10
  Do I need to state a boundary?
• 18:11
  Do I need to make changes for myself in order to get my own needs met, knowing that they've shown me who they are and that they might not be willing or able to fulfill those needs for me, but get really honest and clear with that.
• 18:24
  So if, as you've been listening, if you are ready to prioritize your own personal wellbeing and create healthier, more balanced relationships, come and work with me.
• 18:34
  Right now, I'm offering six week coaching packages designed to help you to navigate these challenges with clarity and confidence, while also honoring your best and highest self.
• 18:45
  Honoring your deep sensitivity, honoring your capacity to love and to serve.
• 18:50
  So I hope that you'll consider gifting yourself six weeks of coaching this holiday season to commit to a happier, healthier you and happier, healthier relationships for the new year.
• 19:01
  You can do this and I can help.
• 19:03
  And also, if you have enjoyed this episode, then please don't forget to subscribe to the podcast so that you never miss an update.
• 19:10
  I post.
• 19:11
  Every Thursday.
• 19:12
  And I'm also open to suggestions when it comes to topics.
• 19:14
  So if there is a situation that you would like for me to address here on the podcast, Click the link in the show notes and send me a note because I am committed to showing up for you.
• 19:24
  And I truly want to help even if now is not the greatest time for us to work.
• 19:28
  One-on-one I still want to be able to help you.
• 19:29
  But again, If you do want that one-on-one time, there is so much that can be accomplished in six weeks and I would love to work with you.
• 19:36
  So I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 19:38
  All right.
• 19:39
  Bye now.