Latest / The Lesbian Loudmouth Podcast / Evil Eyes

Transcript

Evil Eyes · The Lesbian Loudmouth Podcast

• 0:00
  Hello, friends. Live from the car. It's Friday morning. Yeah.
• 0:08
  Yeah. It's raining. It's raining here.
• 0:12
  No rain, nor sleet, nor dark of night.
• 0:16
  Yeah. Appointed rounds. I don't want to do my job today, man.
• 0:20
  I am so fucking tired and bald and shitty and mean and a little bit ugly.
• 0:27
  And why I've decided that this would be a great time to do a podcast about nothing
• 0:31
  that nobody cares about, I don't know. But here we are, okay?
• 0:36
  Just got a quick, quick story to tell you about almost nothing at all.
• 0:39
  Because that's what I do. You want something, you go someplace else, okay?
• 0:44
  Look around, all right? Everybody's got a fucking podcast.
• 0:47
  Everybody's smarter, funnier, nicer, cooler, more famous and rich than I.
• 0:52
  You're here because you're a loser too.
• 0:55
  How do you like them apples? hey losers beget
• 0:59
  losers my friend all right anyway having
• 1:02
  said that okay let's move on let's move on all
• 1:05
  right my point is my mom is convinced that
• 1:08
  someone has placed the evil eye on me and then when i told her the call is coming
• 1:14
  from inside the house she didn't get it she did not get that okay that's actually
• 1:21
  from a movie that's a movie reference you see i don't i've never seen the movie.
• 1:25
  I've only ever heard that line in joke form because I was born the year that movie came out.
• 1:30
  But I got it and she didn't get the joke.
• 1:34
  What happened was, you know, on occasion, I go out of my way to do something kind of nice for people.
• 1:42
  And on this occasion, I was like, hey, you know what? Let's go to my mom's. I'll bring the kids.
• 1:48
  Malcolm can talk about how fucking short I am and make fun of my mustache.
• 1:52
  And then my daughter, Estella, will just be like her lovely bubbly
• 1:55
  wonderful self okay yeah all right
• 1:58
  we go there she i'm like what do you want me to bring she's like i'll bring a
• 2:01
  pork chop i haven't had a pork chop in a while okay great go there
• 2:04
  i made i bought like fucking a hundred dollars
• 2:06
  worth of groceries which in canada is almost fucking nothing okay
• 2:10
  i think it was like six really thin
• 2:13
  pork chops six corn cobs i
• 2:16
  got really nice shrimp though they was 17 bucks for
• 2:19
  one bag and i got two of them yada yada i
• 2:23
  get there and she's making a soup for
• 2:26
  her own lunch and I'm like what are you doing and she's
• 2:29
  like oh I wanted a soup oh okay I said you know I bought stuff for a barbecue
• 2:34
  yeah I'll just eat the soup oh I guess I'll just go fuck myself then which was
• 2:39
  fun and then yeah and I I did in fact cook that barbecue and I made an appetizer
• 2:45
  which was like a zucchini.
• 2:48
  So if you want to capture summer, okay, I'm going to give you a recipe,
• 2:51
  all right? It's going to be rough. It's going to be rough. We'll do like four
• 2:53
  cups of flour, let's say.
• 2:55
  You're going to make like a slurry with some water. You're going to put a little
• 2:58
  bit of yeast in there, some sugar. Mix that up. Make sure the yeast is active.
• 3:02
  You're going to add your flour.
• 3:03
  You're going to grate up some zucchini. You could do like a slice with a vegetable
• 3:08
  peeler if you wanted a longer one. It's up to you. None of my business.
• 3:10
  You're going to salt that, okay? First, actually, you know what?
• 3:12
  Technically, that's the first step. You're going to salt that.
• 3:14
  You're going to squeeze all the water out. You're going to put that into your batter.
• 3:18
  You're going to add some Romano cheese, okay, like a good handful.
• 3:21
  Like a good, my mom would say, punch.
• 3:23
  Not pinch, a punch, okay, a Romano. You're going to put some black pepper in
• 3:26
  there, some freshly cut basil, some salt.
• 3:30
  I mean, if you can have salt. My mom can't, but if you can have salt, have salt.
• 3:34
  And some zucchini flowers, if you have. Like, those are a real treat.
• 3:37
  I think you should try, but see what you can do.
• 3:40
  Okay, you mix that all up. You let it get nice and frothy, which is another
• 3:43
  word I don't really like.
• 3:44
  And then once it puffs up and it's gorgeous and sexy
• 3:47
  you're gonna fry the shit out of it you're gonna fry it it's nice
• 3:50
  and crispy and golden brown but somehow soft in the middle you
• 3:53
  know what i mean and you're gonna crunch into it and it's gonna taste like summer
• 3:56
  wish i had some right now that's what i
• 3:59
  that was the appetizer malcolm requested because he's italian too and
• 4:03
  yeah we had all that okay slaving away in
• 4:05
  the hot sun it's like 35 degrees the barbecue is like fucking another
• 4:08
  like 500 and then and then oh you
• 4:12
  know what 500 Fahrenheit it was 35 Celsius which I'm
• 4:15
  going to say is around 100 but I don't fucking really know okay figure
• 4:18
  that one out yourself get a calculator out you can do the
• 4:21
  fucking calculations all you need to know is it was fucking hot
• 4:24
  okay I work outside I don't
• 4:27
  like being in the direct sun at any time especially when I'm
• 4:29
  not getting fucking paid for it okay not my favorite thing
• 4:32
  did all these things and my mom proceeded to eat
• 4:35
  her own lunch and not get off the couch
• 4:38
  not spend any time with my kids and just bark orders at me
• 4:41
  for like two hours and I got mad okay
• 4:44
  I got mad after that two hours was up everything was cooked I made my mom a
• 4:49
  plate she can eat it now she could eat it later don't fucking care and I was
• 4:52
  like hey you know what before I start getting real fucking mad here I'm gonna
• 4:57
  go home because you know that feeling it's pretty constant for me now where it's just like.
• 5:02
  I don't know how to describe it to a normal person who isn't going through menopause,
• 5:08
  who isn't losing their hair, who doesn't gain weight at just like,
• 5:12
  you know, smelling a food.
• 5:15
  It's just like, it's almost like a, like a, like a volcano. You know,
• 5:19
  at first it's kind of chill. You're just setting off some smoke.
• 5:23
  There's, there's slight concern in the air.
• 5:26
  You know, the peasants are kind of rumbly looking at that smoke,
• 5:29
  wondering what exactly is going to happen.
• 5:30
  And then out of nowhere, it just shoots out this lava, just boom,
• 5:34
  right out of the fucking top. And you don't even.
• 5:37
  It's just there. You're just burning your feet in the lava before you even realize what has happened.
• 5:42
  All right? And like, I'm not even really just talking. I'm talking about my
• 5:46
  whole life. I went to a daycare board meeting.
• 5:49
  And just to get off track a second here, I lost my ever-loving mind.
• 5:54
  Because they have a cold weather policy that is so fucking stupid.
• 5:59
  Okay. You know what? It was unproductive. I was, man, I lost my fucking mind.
• 6:04
  Okay? Was I wrong in the things I was saying? No.
• 6:08
  Did I interrupt everyone and tell them to, like, give me a second and I talked
• 6:12
  all over them and, you know, made valid points in a really kind of catty,
• 6:17
  mean, snide, fucking condescending way? Yeah, I did.
• 6:21
  You know why? Because I just couldn't take it anymore.
• 6:25
  Okay? Their policy is stupid and it has major repercussions in people's lives.
• 6:30
  And you know what they say at these meetings? They say, have alternate care.
• 6:34
  Oh okay how the fuck do we do that
• 6:37
  there's no village anymore you can't trust your neighbors
• 6:40
  I don't even know my fucking neighbors because they're rude they don't even
• 6:44
  say hello when we're both outside at the same time and I'm like you know what
• 6:47
  I'm not going the extra mile anymore I'm not giving you anything ever again
• 6:52
  I prefer we don't talk fuck off so is that supposed to be my alternate care.
• 7:01
  Okay then I guess I'll file this under oh I'll
• 7:04
  go fuck myself right great so it's not just
• 7:07
  like you know in my private life or with my family this is
• 7:10
  extended into public life and you know
• 7:13
  maybe I should have not gone to that meeting instead of losing my fucking okay
• 7:17
  maybe that wasn't productive but I'll have another chance to speak on this cold
• 7:21
  weather policy again I hope and this time I am gonna I'm gonna take a half a
• 7:25
  melatonin and I'm gonna go in there chill as can be and make my points in a
• 7:30
  more productive way, right? Everything's cool.
• 7:32
  I'm going to get my period like probably in like 15 minutes.
• 7:35
  So we're good. We're good.
• 7:35
  Okay, let's go back to my mom's house. We're in my mom's house.
• 7:37
  I'm leaving. And then she calls me like two hours later and she's decided about the evil eye.
• 7:42
  She's like, it's mostly a man, but a woman did it too, but less than the man.
• 7:47
  The man really put the evil eye on you.
• 7:49
  And I said, you know, maybe it was you. And she's like, me?
• 7:55
  And I said, yeah, You know, maybe when you know I'm coming with my kids and
• 8:01
  I've bought groceries, like maybe don't make your own lunch before I get there.
• 8:06
  Oh, I'm like, yeah, yeah. And maybe don't spend all of your time inside on the couch.
• 8:11
  Maybe talk to people that have come there purposely to spend. Oh, yeah.
• 8:16
  She's like, no, not me, though. No, no, no.
• 8:18
  It's not me. No, it was a man. Like, where the fuck do you get this?
• 8:22
  Like, is there like an evil eye fucking academy where you go and learn these
• 8:26
  things? Like, what does that even mean?
• 8:27
  And then, okay, yesterday, I'm minding my own chubby, bald-headed business.
• 8:33
  Walking through my roots. I had just finished making some very lovely small
• 8:37
  talk with a woman who I don't even remember her name.
• 8:41
  I just know her dog. The second anyone that I talk to on my root is separated
• 8:47
  from their dog, I don't know who the fuck they are.
• 8:49
  Okay? I have facial blindness. I'm not even joking.
• 8:53
  I purposely try to study their faces, but the second they are not in front of
• 8:58
  their house or not with their dog, I don't know who the fuck they are.
• 9:01
  And it's brutal, okay? It is just fucking awful.
• 9:06
  I don't know how. It's like awful, okay? Making small talk with her.
• 9:10
  We had a great time. We laughed. She doesn't know who I am. I don't think I've
• 9:13
  ever introduced myself.
• 9:14
  I just am a fucking idiot, okay?
• 9:17
  And then I'm walking through this guy's walkway, and I'm like, oh, wow, look at this.
• 9:22
  I think these might be grapes growing over top of this, like, pergola.
• 9:26
  I'm like, wow, isn't that nice? You know, and I started thinking,
• 9:28
  I'd love to retire to a house a little bit out of the city with,
• 9:31
  like, a pool and an outdoor kitchen, and I thought, well, maybe I could put
• 9:35
  up a pergola, and I could grow my own. Ah, fuck.
• 9:38
  And then you see what happened was I look at my fat hip and there's a wasp and
• 9:44
  it's stinging me repeatedly in the same place. And I just stood there like a
• 9:48
  fucking idiot watching it sting me.
• 9:50
  And I was like, oh, I don't want to hurt it. Yeah. It's trying to kill you.
• 9:55
  If ever there was a time to slap a bug, it would have been then, right? No, no, no, no.
• 10:00
  Like, okay, well, I guess I won't be walking through that anymore.
• 10:03
  And it starts to burn. And I already have a headache because it was so smoky
• 10:07
  here yesterday. It was just like a hate.
• 10:10
  So you couldn't see the buildings like a hundred feet away.
• 10:12
  It was so smoky from the wildfires.
• 10:15
  And yeah, yada, yada, yada. I get home and it looked like somebody had stapled
• 10:20
  a liver to my hip where the wasp bite was.
• 10:24
  So maybe, you know, maybe there is an evil eye.
• 10:27
  Maybe that is why I'm losing my hair and my will to live. And my fat thigh is
• 10:32
  like swollen like this. Maybe that's by.
• 10:35
  Maybe there is someone, a man, but to a lesser extent a woman,
• 10:38
  who hates my fucking guts, but probably for good reason.
• 10:42
  I'm sure I've done something to deserve that.
• 10:47
  Okay, well, argue with yourself because this is done. It's not,
• 10:50
  listen, this evil eye shit has been going on since the dawn of fucking time.
• 10:53
  All right? I don't have one of those anti-evil eye lucky chili peppers hanging
• 10:59
  off my rearview mirror. Okay? That would have protected me.
• 11:02
  I don't have one. You can look it up. That's a thing. That's a thing.
• 11:05
  That is the only treatment for anyone casting the evil eye on you is a chili pepper. Yeah.
• 11:11
  Mm-hmm. Listen, I didn't make that up. You got to go talk to the Italians,
• 11:14
  like the real Italians, not me. All right?
• 11:16
  Okay. Yeah. Anyway, just to wrap that up real quick. Yeah, I could get struck
• 11:21
  by fucking lightning today. And you know, I wouldn't mind.
• 11:23
  I wouldn't mind. I also had a migraine with aura for the first time in my life.
• 11:28
  I was running on the treadmill.
• 11:29
  I know. I'm trying. I'm trying to get back into shape. Okay. I'm trying.
• 11:31
  Every step is something at least. Okay.
• 11:34
  And I ran like moderate.
• 11:37
  I would say a moderate pace. I did a 5K in like 31 minutes, which,
• 11:41
  you know, I was pulling like 24, 24 minutes, 15 seconds before and now I'm just
• 11:46
  like 31 okay and yeah like that's not bad I'm almost 46 like 31,
• 11:53
  isn't bad it's not great but it's not bad I don't know a lot of 45 year olds
• 11:58
  that can run for even 10 minutes straight so I'm trying to give myself a break
• 12:02
  okay I'm never gonna be where I was like five years ago but you know what I
• 12:06
  can try okay get off the treadmill I go have a shower I eat my breakfast.
• 12:10
  I sit outside. I inhale the smoke.
• 12:11
  And then, like, I can't see through one of my eyes.
• 12:15
  It's like there's a big blurry rectangle and then there's, like,
• 12:19
  rainbow zigzag stripes all around it. I've never had this happen to me before.
• 12:22
  I just assumed I was having a stroke and then I just went upstairs to lay down
• 12:25
  and, like, wait for it to be over because I'm my mother's.
• 12:31
  And yeah, I had a really bad headache all of a sudden. Sarah gave me some Tylenol
• 12:35
  and I slept for, I'm going to say, eight hours.
• 12:38
  From 10 in the morning till six at night. Yeah, okay.
• 12:41
  That was fun. Okay, so Sarah's like talking to her doctor nerd friends and they're
• 12:46
  like, well, it's unusual.
• 12:47
  You should get that checked out. She may have something going on with her brain.
• 12:51
  Yeah, there's nothing to fucking break, trust me.
• 12:56
  And I'm like, okay, fine. So I have a doctor now, only works one day a week,
• 12:59
  but you know what? Okay. Call her up.
• 13:02
  And she says, okay, go to the eye doctor. Just make sure you don't have like
• 13:05
  a detached retina or anything.
• 13:07
  And her rule is everybody gets one weird brain thing and then they go for a
• 13:10
  scan. So this is my one weird brain thing.
• 13:12
  And then I go to the optometrist and she's like, you know, you need to decide how to proceed here.
• 13:17
  You can't see small print, can you? And I'm like, no, I can't.
• 13:20
  And she suggested bifocal contacts or I can carry around reading glasses.
• 13:25
  Like, I didn't need that. You know, aging is not for the weak.
• 13:29
  And she's like, she also saw some weird thing in my eye, which is she's not
• 13:32
  worried about, but she's going to send it to an ophthalmologist and see if they
• 13:35
  want to like laser a barrier around it so it doesn't get any bigger.
• 13:38
  She's like, yeah, it may pose a problem in your late fifties,
• 13:41
  early sixties. And I just looked at her and I'm like, I'll be dead by then.
• 13:43
  And I will. I will absolutely be dead by then. Yeah.
• 13:46
  So, you know, yeah. Okay. And then, you know, I started thinking about my mortality.
• 13:51
  So I sat my daughter down and I was like, listen, when I'm dead,
• 13:54
  first of all, I'm going to haunt you.
• 13:56
  Okay. She's like, yeah, okay. And then second of all, I'm like,
• 13:58
  what are you going to tell your kids about me when I'm dead?
• 14:00
  And she's like, well, I'll tell them you made good bread and good pizza.
• 14:04
  And you looked kind of scraggly. I'm like, okay.
• 14:07
  I'm like, what does scraggly mean? She's like, you know, just like scraggly.
• 14:11
  And I'm like, like homeless?
• 14:13
  She said, yeah, kind of. Yeah, I guess that's kind of, yeah.
• 14:17
  Like you just look scraggly. All right.
• 14:22
  I don't know. I'm choosing to take that as like a
• 14:25
  comp no this reminds me of when my
• 14:28
  mother-in-law told me that I looked like the Mona Lisa and she
• 14:31
  thought it was a compliment I just I don't know
• 14:34
  how to like on a scale of Mona Lisa to scraggly you know like what what does
• 14:38
  that mean like is that generous is that her way of like being nice I can't I
• 14:45
  can't versus my only comfort right now is knowing that I'll be dead before she's
• 14:48
  a teenager that's the only thing I've got going for me right now All right,
• 14:52
  I don't know I think I bummed you guys out enough,
• 14:54
  Probably And now I gotta go to work,
• 14:57
  And simultaneous smoke. I don't know how that's happening exactly, but yeah. Oh, man.
• 15:04
  Okay, listen, I just, everything's fine. I appreciate every single last one of you.
• 15:10
  And if you could just get like a little chili pepper and hold it and like think
• 15:14
  of me in some capacity and just help me, okay?
• 15:16
  Because I can't do this much longer.
• 15:19
  My only saving grace is that my kids are going away.
• 15:22
  They're going away for this weekend
• 15:25
  a week and then I'm going to join them for the weekend and
• 15:28
  then they're going to the maritime somewhere for an
• 15:31
  entire week and I'm going to rejoice okay I'm just going to clean my whole house
• 15:37
  and then I'm just going to sit and I'm going to stare that's my whole plan okay
• 15:40
  that's the only thing keeping me going right now I know I love my kids I love
• 15:43
  my family I love my kids I feel very lucky but sometimes I feel really lucky
• 15:47
  when they leave And I think that's fine. That's okay.
• 15:50
  All right? Like, we're more of a Roseanne household than, say,
• 15:53
  like a full house household. You know what I mean?
• 15:55
  We're just, yeah. Okay? You got to prepare your kids for the outside world by
• 15:59
  being verbally abusive. Am I right? Okay.
• 16:04
  All right. Well, look. It was nice talking to you. I hope you have a great Friday.
• 16:08
  Don't call us. We'll call you. Miss you. Love you. Sorry.
• 16:12
  Leave a podcast review. Could you? Just leave five stars. Okay?
• 16:15
  Nothing less. I'm really hanging on by a thread here.
• 16:18
  And like, you know, I'm a tiny, tiny tadpole in an ocean of like successful,
• 16:25
  smart, funny, interesting people. Like, what do I have going for me right now?
• 16:29
  Like the best thing that anyone has ever said about me was that I'm scraggly.
• 16:34
  Like that's, that's what I've got. Scraggly. Okay.
• 16:39
  Okay. You know what? I'm going to save that deep sigh for, oh no, there it came out. Just.
• 16:44
  Okay. Have a good weekend. i'll miss
• 16:47
  you podcast review it could
• 16:50
  save a life all right and if anybody wants to
• 16:52
  buy a piece of shit hyundai santa fe it's
• 16:56
  2015 it's got 119 000
• 16:59
  kilometers on it brand new engine new air conditioner new fucking solenoid whatever
• 17:03
  the fuck that is new fuel injectors give me a call okay 555 piece of shit okay
• 17:10
  give me a call i'll get you a good deal real good real good deal i I won't even
• 17:15
  break even on this fucking car. Okay, I love you.
• 17:17
  Okay, everything's fine. Listen to the rain. Oh, it's coming down real hard
• 17:20
  because I'm starting my job soon.