Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / The Best Dating Advice | Darius Bennett | Stand Up Comedy

Transcript

The Best Dating Advice | Darius Bennett | Stand Up Comedy · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Not everybody uh appreciates marriage.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: I believe in marriage.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: I was close to it.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: Close I was I was to being married was fucking this woman who's married.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: Well she's my wife, so I guess that uh I guess that helps.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: I like to role play with my wife, but sometimes she likes to keep shit real.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: Be like, we shouldn't be doing this, you married.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: She'd be like, yeah, to you, babe.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like, nah, what the fuck?
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: Play along.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: She like, then she started playing along, but still keep like truth bombs and shit.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: She'd be like, uh, you better hurry up.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: My husband will be home soon.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: Hopefully he'll take out the trash.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, all right, okay, that's enough.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: Taking up the goddamn trash.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: We got married over uh COVID quarantine.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: Married, we had a baby.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: We had a brand new baby over quarantine.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, man.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: She's uh beautiful, beautiful kid.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: It was funny because like when my wife found out she was pregnant, she wanted to design the kid.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, Oh, I wanted to have your eyes and my lips and your jaw structure, you know, all that stuff.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't care.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: I just wanted to be healthy.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: You know, then it came out healthy, but now I'm like, who's it gonna look like?
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: When she started looking like my wife, then she'll be pretty.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: You know, she looks like me, she's gonna be gorgeous.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: Uh we happy, man, but like I used to be uh I used to be a real big hoe before I got married, and the shit caught up to me, man, because like uh like when we had my daughter, it was hard to name her.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: I fucked all the names.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: What are we gonna call her?
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: Darius Jr.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: or something.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: Bradford.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: I ain't never fucking no Bradford.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: Every name, it was like a connection.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: So my wife was like, what about Tiffany?
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, Tonsil Tiffany, eh?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, name her that.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, well, Gabrielle's pretty like no gang, Gabby! Oh man.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: Then we we came up with a name, finally, uh came up with a name.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: Zariah is her name.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's like it's like Mariah, but with a Z.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's beautiful, but it's fucked up, man.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: I had to go all the way to the Z.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: Fucked everybody.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: Ashley to Yolanda.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: I done ran through them all, man.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: It was a whore.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: Nah, we cool, man.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm happy.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like people are like, man, you you you happy, bro?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: I need somebody.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to find somebody, but like, I just I don't know who to marry.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, make sure you like whoever you marry.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: People get married to somebody they love, which is the dumbest shit in the world.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, love matters, but like is is very important.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: Very important.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you you you're more patient with somebody you like versus who you love.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you ever been out on a date with somebody who you like?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: Let's let's say you knock a uh the person's drink over by mistake, you like, oh shit, I'm sorry.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: Let me let me get you another one.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: Can I get another drink?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry, but forgive me.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: But if you love them, you knock that drink over, you like, why the fuck would you put your drink right there?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: You know I talk with my hands.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I can't take you nowhere.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: We get the check, we got to go.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, stand a little bit.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: Love is important, man.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: And communication is the key too, man.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of people don't communicate well, man.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: You got to communicate.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of ladies, ladies, ladies are are sometimes difficult to to understand.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes, sometimes women like to hold shit in.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you be trying to communicate.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: Never happened to you, brother.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: Huh?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: I know how to sit on the fence.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: You know how to sit on the fence?
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: I I don't, I don't.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what's wrong with you?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: One time I was asking this lady, I was like, what's wrong?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, nothing.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, alright.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: And then I went home and she texted me eight pages of shit of what was wrong.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm trying to understand it.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I don't get it, I don't understand it.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: So I call her, I'm like, yo, why couldn't you just tell me this?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I didn't know how to say it.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like, well, I don't know how to read for real.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: What's wrong with you?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: Tell me what the fuck is wrong with you?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: Hold it in.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm talking about?
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: And then people say they want the truth.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: People say, just be real.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: If I told this woman the truth once, this is all these stories, a lot of these stories before I used to date my wife, but like this woman cooked me breakfast once.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: And she was like, How is it?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: I told her the truth.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: I said, so everything's pretty good.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: You know, the eggs are a little salty, but that's it.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: Just less salt next time.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, I'll never cook for you again.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: I said, why?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: What did I do?
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't rude, I wasn't disrespectful, I just said it was slightly salty, less salt next time.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: What if I felt, I was like, what if I lied to her?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I told her everything was perfect, and then she cooked it like that for me every day.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: And one day my speech started slurring.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, what's wrong?
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, well, I'm having a stroke, small as fucking salt.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: She was putting on a mask.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: You had to communicate well, man.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, you got to you got to be patient.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: Don't go through your ladies' phone, fellas.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: Be nice to these women.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm tell you.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: Be nice to these women because you can't take what they can take.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: Women, y'all are very strong and y'all deserve way more credit than you'll ever get.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm gonna let you know you deserve it.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we ain't shit without y'all.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: We do everything for y'all.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: We do.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: Shit.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, if you hurt a woman's spirit enough, she'll help you kill yourself.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: She will.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: I had an ex-break up with me.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: I was so sad.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: I said, listen, if you don't take me back, I'm taking all these pills.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: And she was like, Well, you know, some people don't deserve to live for real, man.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: You want some water?
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: I hate for you to choke on one of those pills.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: That's how you feel for me?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, I don't feel for you.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: God damn.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: Don't hurt my feelings because I ain't I'm not with the shit.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna play the same game you wanna play.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna hit you, but I ain't gonna be the only one crying either.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Play that game.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, keep messing up if you want, Darius.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: I got a bunch of good men in my phone that be waiting on you to mess up.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like, all right, you wanna play that game?
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: I got old Raggedy Heff around gone.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: Waiting on you to go to work.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: Ladies are very intelligent, they're smarter than us.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: So what they do is calculate it.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: They think about things forever before they do it.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: Unlike us, we do the shit and then we like, damn, I shouldn't have done that.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's cliche to say, but we like dogs.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: You know, women are like similar to the cats, a dog is shit in the middle of the floor, like, oh, I'm sorry, baby.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: Please forgive me.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: A cat is very calculated.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: A cat is smooth.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: A cat'll run and knock over a lamp and then keep running to the next room.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: And then look at you and the lamp.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: How could I have done that if I'm over here?
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I saw you, you did it.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's a woman for you, man.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: A woman is fucking tricky, bro.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: Tricky.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna be honest with you, this is the whitest crowd I performed for in a very, very long time.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: Very long time.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: I thought it was like I saw a brother back there, and then now I see two beautiful black women in the audience.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, alright, cool.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: Cool.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, because when I saw a dog, I'm like, damn, just one type of email did they fucking send out?
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: I got an email.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: I know black folks got an email.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: Oh man, it's y'all cool.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: I like partying white people because y'all get drunk and tell people how much you love them.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: Fucking love you, bro.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: Give me your keys, you're not driving.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: And you're throwing up your stand tonight.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: You can't throw up at the black parties.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: As soon as you throw up, like, hey bro, where your key?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, go home.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: Too drunk.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't think I should drive.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't think so either, but I know you can't stay here.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: You got to go, bro.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I don't know what type of people or what type of uh shit y'all do here in um Santa Barbara.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: I'm uh I'm originally from Detroit, Michigan.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: Born and raised, and uh I moved to California in the middle of the night.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know what to expect.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: I had never been here before.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, fuck it, I'm done.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta chase my dreams.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: I got to go now.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: And back home, it's different.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: Because before I left, like uh everybody's tough.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's it's like a hard city in Detroit.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like, so back then you wouldn't know a person's like true sexuality for real.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: Because everybody just got this fucking, you know, I'm gonna rob you before you rob me, type of shit.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: So you you wouldn't know a person's sexuality for real.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: And then I moved to LA, and it was a complete culture shock for me.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: It was it was completely different.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like nobody was in the closet, they just everybody just in the middle of the living room.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: Like, oh, they progressive shit out here.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I'm with it.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: I like the progression.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: I fuck with it.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't ready.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: You could be alive if you're not ready.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: I was minding my business, and this random dude just told me to smile once.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, yeah, I think that's enough gay shit for me this week.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: But that's plenty.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: The way he did it, I didn't like it.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, smile, man, you look so mean.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: Let me see that mouth.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: No, you can't see my mouth.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: You sexually harassing me right now, bro.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: I don't like it.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: But it shit that made me think I had to go apologize to every woman I ever asked to smile before.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: Because when you I'm like, damn, I didn't know I was such a fucking creep.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't realize how creepy it was to like somebody who you really not interested in was like, smile.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like, fuck you, I don't want to smile.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: That's what y'all should do, ladies.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: Anytime a man trying to hit on you, you ain't having a good day, be like, fuck you, I don't want to smile.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: He might call you a bitch or whatever, but hey, be that bitch that day, okay?
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to fucking smile, asshole.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: Be careful, be safe.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um, watch where you park, man.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Watch where you like drive.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: Somebody broke in my car, man.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, it's shitty.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't have enough money to get the window fixed, so everywhere I went, I would take some broken glass off the back seat and sprinkle it on the ground to look like it just happened.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that way somebody tried to break in my car, oh, somebody got his ass.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, I'm Darius Bennett.