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WHAT IS DISCERNMENT, AND WHY DO WE NEED IT? · Back Porch Confessions

• Gravesb41: Sometimes my soul is just tired, tired of being strong, tired of carrying the heaviness, tired of fighting battles nobody else can see. And maybe you know that kind of tired too. The kind of tired that doesn't come from sleep, the kind of tired that settles deep in your heart, your mind and your spirit, the kind that comes from surviving, enduring, holding it all together and still showing up when your life had tried to take everything out of you. But here's the truth. Being tired does not mean you are weak, it does not mean you are broken, and it does not mean your story is over. At Renewed Mind we talk about the hard things, the hidden heaviness, the silent battles, the trauma, the grief, the healing, and the fight to keep going when your soul feels weary. This is the place where strong people can finally tell the truth, where healing gets honest, where pain is spoken out loud. And where the ones who have spent their whole lives pouring into others can find a space to breathe, be seen, and remember they are worth the battle too because sometimes the healer needs healing. Sometimes the strong ones need somewhere soft to land, and sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is admit you're tired and keep choosing to heal anyway. This is renewed mind, real talk, real pain, real healing. One honest conversation at a time. Welcome to Back Porch Confessions, where the sweet tea is strong, the stories are stronger, and no topic is too taboo for the porch. Grab a seat, kick off your shoes, and let's get into the kind of conversation your mama warned you about, but you listen anyway. Back Porch Confessions: Hey guys, how's everybody doing? welcome in. You know, not everything that looks good is good for you, right? So we're gonna get into this a little bit today. So, hello, again, is Barbara Back Porch Confessions. Come on in, grab your coffee, whatever it is you're gonna drink, pull up a chair, get comfortable here on the porch because today we're gonna talk about something that I believe could change the way. we or you approach things just about every relationship, decision and difficult situation in our lives. And that something is discernment. So many people don't know what discernment really is. So before you start thinking we're about to have some kind of big theological lecture with words that require a dictionary, mm-mm. No. Let me assure you, That I will keep it. We're gonna keep it as practical as possible. because that's how I treat you guys, and that's how I want myself to be treated, because I don't want any big words either. Anyway, back to it, squirrel moment. so we're we're gonna talk about that. We're gonna talk about discernment and what discernment really means and why we need it, and how we can develop it and why some of us desperately need to start using it before. we hand somebody you know the keys to our hearts, our homes, our peace, and sometimes our bank accounts. Because some of us have spent years giving everyone, all the people around us the benefit of the doubt. When we should actually have been giving ourselves the benefit of paying attention. Alexa, please pay play spa music for the the next two hours. Sorry guys, I forgot I turned her off. so there's a difference. Let me ask you something. Have you ever met somebody and thought, I just love them. They're so sweet. They're so thoughtful. They're so understanding. they just get me. And six months later, you're sitting there wondering. How somebody who seemed so wonderful managed to bring so much confusion into your life? Hold on. Alexa, please play spa music for the next two hours. She was getting confused 'cause I kept talking. Anyway, so I was kinda where was I at with the whole Somebody new, somebody that brought that seemed wonderful and managed to bring so much to you into your life. so I was at the six month part, right? So at six months, we're sitting there and we're wondering how somebody who, you know, seemed like somebody completely different, wonderful, I guess, managed to bring so much confusion. and pain and worldly thoughts of like what in the heck just happened into our life, right? Or or maybe you've made a decision because it felt right in the moment and you were excited and and you were hopeful and you wanted something to work out and later you realized you had ignored information that maybe deserved more attention. And Maybe you saw inconsistencies and maybe you noticed certain behaviors. Maybe somebody warned you. Maybe you had a question that, or you had a question that you were afraid to ask, but you pushed forward anyway. And now you're looking back saying, I knew something wasn't right. Well, let's talk about that. Because knowing something feels wrong and understanding why it feels wrong are two different things. And sometimes with discernment comes in A lot of l logical thought that some of us don't want to take the time to do it. So what is discernment? Discernment is the ability to thoughtfully evaluate information, behavior, circumstances, and choices so we can make wiser decisions. It's recognizing meaningful differences, it's separating facts from assumptions, it's looking beyond appearance. It's considering consequences, it's asking questions before making commitments. And it's learning to recognize when something deserves our trust and when something deserves further examination. Discernment isn't automatically knowing everything about everybody. It isn't reading minds. it isn't predicting the future. And it it certainly Isn't deciding somebody's character based on one uncomfortable feeling. Discernment involves curiosity, observation, reflection, and wisdom. Sometimes it tells us to move forward. Sometimes it tells us to slow down. Sometimes it tells us to ask another question. And sometimes it tells us that we have enough information to make a decision. Here's something I want you to remember though. Throughout this entire episode, discernment doesn't always say no. Discernment sometimes says not yet. And that little phrase can save us a whole lot of unnecessary trouble. Because we live in a world that encourages immediate decisions, immediate gratification, right? Respond immediately. Trust immediately. Commit immediately, forgive immediately, move on immediately. Everybody wants an answer right now. And sometimes the wisest answer is what? I need some time to think about this. Imagine that. Who does that anymore, right? Imagine that. An adult taking time to think before making a decision. Apparently, That has become a revolutionary concept. But seriously, how many situations would have unfolded differently if we'd simply had slowed down long enough to examine what was happening? The difference between being nice and being discerning. Now, this is important. You need to hear this part. Being kind doesn't mean you have to be naive. Being forgiving doesn't mean you have to ignore patterns. Being compassionate doesn't mean you have to believe everything somebody tells you. And being a Christian or God-fearing person doesn't mean you have to abandon common sense. So many people do. You can have a beautiful heart and still ask difficult questions. You can believe people are capable of change. Without assuming everybody has changed. You can listen to someone's explanation without immediately accepting it as the complete picture. And you can offer grace while maintaining boundaries. In fact, I would argue that discernment helps us practice compassion more responsibly. Because without discernment, we sometimes confuse. Coping with reconciliation, right? Forgiveness with reconciliation, understanding with excusing, love with obligation, and you know, peace with avoiding conflict. Well, I mean, those things are not the same. Let's talk about the people who see the good in everybody. I have several friends that are that way. I can be that way. Some of us are naturally inclined to look for the good in people. We want to believe them. We want to understand them. We want to offer second chances. And that's not necessarily a bad thing, but sometimes we we become so focused on somebody's potential that we stop paying attention to their present behavior. I'm guilty of this. We see who they could be, who they might become, who they say they can be, and we start building relationships around possibilities instead of realities. Honey, potential is wonderful, but potential doesn't pay the emotional bills. Potential doesn't rebuild trust. Potential doesn't replace accountability. And potential doesn't automatically create a healthy relationship. Discernment ask, who is this person showing me they are today? Not who they could become if everything goes perfectly. Not who were they during the first two weeks? Not who do I hope they'll be? Who are they demonstrating themselves to be through their choices, through what they do, how they speak? And the question matters. So the first backport reflection I want to do on this is I want you to think about a decision you've made that you later regretted. Not to beat yourself up, not to shame yourself, but to learn. Ask yourself, what information did I have at the time? What information was I missing? Was I rushing? Was I afraid of losing something? Was I hoping for a particular outcome? Did I ask enough questions? Did I confuse what I wanted to be true with what I actually knew? And what would I do differently today with that information? That's how we begin developing discernment. Not by becoming suspicious of everybody, I'm not saying that, but by becoming more intentional about how we make decisions. Because the goal isn't to become a person who trusts nobody. The goal is to become someone who understands how trust is built. That And that's where we we are going to go next, I guess, with it. That's what I want to, that's where I want to go with it. So I want to talk about something that gets confused with discernment all the time. And that's intuition. That gut feeling, you know, that little voice, that little nagging voice, that sense, that little spidey sense that something just isn't right. But we're also going to talk about anxiety and fear in past emotional wounds. Because not every alarm our nervous system sends is proof that something bad is happening. and and learning the difference is great. That's where things get interesting in this. So let's keep talking a little bit more about all that. You know, discernment versus intuition and and anxiety and fear. Is it a warning or is it an in an old womb that's being opened up? Now we've talked about what discernment is. I've talked about what discernment is. Well, let's talk about something that people often make. mistake rather for discernment. you know that famous gut feeling. You know the one something's happening or has happened and somebody says something or a situation changes and immediately you feel uncomfortable. Your stomach tightens, your heart starts racing, and your mind starts asking questions. And you say, I just know something isn't right. But here's what I want us to explore. Do you know something isn't right? Or do you feel something isn't right? Because those are. Those aren't always the same thing. And understanding the difference is extremely important. So what is intuition? Describe intuition out of the air here and describe it. What is intuition? Intuition is often described as a quick impression or an understanding that occurs without conscious effort, right? It's step-by-step reasoning. Our brains are constantly processing information. Sometimes we recognize patterns before we can clearly explain what we have noticed. Maybe somebody's behavior seems inconsistent. Maybe their words don't match their actions. Maybe sometimes something about a situation reminds us of a previous experience, you know, those old wounds. And we experience that recognition as a gut feeling. Intuition can be useful, but intuition is not infallible. Sometimes our impressions are accurate. Sometimes they're incomplete. And sometimes they're influenced by fear, stress, past experiences, and even assumptions. That's why discernment asks us to examine those impressions rather than automatically treating them as facts, which we often do. The role of anxiety in this, because anxiety can be convincing, very convincing. Anxiety can make uncertainty feel dangerous. It can make a delayed text message feel like rejection. It can make a change in someone's tone feel like evidence that something terrible is happening. It can make a disagreement feel like the beginning of abandonment. And when you're anxious, your mind may start searching for evidence to support fear. Your partner's quiet. You think they're upset with me. They don't answer immediately. You think they're avoiding me. They seem distracted. You think they're hiding something. But what do you actually know? Maybe they're tired. Maybe they're overwhelmed, preoccupied, maybe. Maybe there really is a relationship issue that needs discussion. The point is that we don't know yet. Discernment helps us recognize the difference between information and interpretation. And that's a skill worth developing. I promise, if you want to keep your sanity in peace. So, in my little counselor corner moment here, I have an exercise I want you to remember. When something triggers an emotional reaction, ask yourself three questions. First, what are the facts? Truly, what are the facts? Second, what story am I telling myself about those facts? And third, what additional information would help me understand the situation. So I got a few examples. A fact would be my friend hasn't returned my message in two days. A story would be she's angry with me and doesn't want to be my friend anymore. Additional information. I could check in. I could ask whether everything is okay and allow room for explanation. Now If this happens repeatedly and the friendship feels consistently one-sided, that's additional information too. Discernment doesn't mean dismissing concerns. It means examining them accurately. So when trauma influences our perception, what do we do with that? This gets a little deeper here. People who have experienced betrayal, abandonment, emotional abuse, neglect, unpredictability, In relationships and in life, and become especially sensitive to signs of possible danger, rejection, abandonment. Their nervous system may react quickly to uncertainty. Sometimes that sensitivity helps them notice meaningful changes. Sometimes it may create false alarms. For example, someone who Has experienced infidelity may feel intense anxiety when a partner receives a private message. I do it. Someone who grew up around anger may become frightened when another person raises their voice. I do that. Someone who experienced abandonment may interpret ordinary distance as rejection. Those reactions are understandable, but they don't automatically tell us what is happening in the present. And I want to emphasize something. We we shouldn't shame ourselves for having those reactions, right? Don't do that. Instead, we learn to recognize them. We can say, this situation is is acting on an old fear. Now let me examine what is actually happening. That's discernment, working alongside emotional awareness. The difference between hypervigilance and discernment. This is important to know and learn. Hypervigilance involves being extremely alert to potential threats. It can develop over stressful or traumatic experiences. I have hypervigilance myself, a lot of my friends do. Discernment is different. Hypervigilance may constantly ask, what could go wrong? What is going to hurt me? what am I missing? What danger is coming? Discernment is going to ask what information do I have? What patterns are present? What reasonable concerns need attention? What response fits the actual situation? One may keep us in a state of constant alarm, while the other helps us evaluate situations more thoughtfully. And here's something important I want you to remember. Discernment doesn't require you to remain emotionally activated. Whereas hypervigilance does. Sometimes the wisest thing you can do is wait until you're calmer before making a major decision. Not because your feelings don't matter, but because strong emotions can narrow our attention. The difference between fear and wisdom, what is that? Fear says don't trust anybody. Wisdom says allow trust to develop through com constant behavior. Fear says everybody is going to hurt me, while wisdom says some people may hurt me, and I can learn to recognize unhealthy patterns. Fear says I need to know everything immediately. Wisdom says I can tolerate some uncertainty while gathering information. Fear is gonna say if I set a boundary, they'll leave. Well, wisdom is gonna say a relationship worth nurturing. should have room for reasonable boundaries. Do you hear the difference there? Fear often demands certainty. Fear does demand certainty. Discernment works with the information available while acknowledging uncertainty. And honestly, sometimes the most mature thing we can say is, but I don't know yet. We don't have to invent an answer just because uncertainty makes us uncomfortable. The danger of calling everything, or every feeling rather, a sign, right? We're labeling everything signs, label relationships, label feelings. They're all these labels going on, right? Well, let's let's bring faith into this a little bit. Sometimes people say, God told me something was wrong. Or they'll say something like, I felt it in my spirit. And I respect that faith is deeply personal. And I have said those things myself. But still we need humility when interpreting our impressions. Because our emotions, assumptions, desires, and fears can influence how we understand and experience. Not every uncomfortable feeling is a divine warning. Not every coincidence is a message, and not every person who disagrees with us is spiritually dangerous. We can pray for wisdom while also examining facts. We can seek guidance from trusted people. We can consider scripture in context, and we can remain willing to correct our interpretation when new information emerges. So James 1.5 encourages believers to ask God for wisdom. I love that verse. Ask God for wisdom. And I think wisdom includes being willing to learn. You have to be willing to learn. So an exercise I want to put into place here is think about a situation that's making you uncomfortable and ask what do I know for certain? What am I assuming? What past experience might be influencing my reaction? Is there a pattern of behavior? Have I communicated directly? What would calm well a calm, what would a calm, thoughtful response look like in this moment? And if the situation involves threats, intimidation, coercion, or even immediate danger, prioritize your safety. Rather than waiting for more evidence, please, I'm begging you to remember your safety. Discernment is not about ignoring real danger. It's about responding appropriately to what we know. Now, in part three, we're taking discernment into the relationships, friendships, marriage, dating, family. In those situations where someone says all the right things, But their actions tell us a different story. I know a few people like this. Because sometimes we don't need another explanation, honestly. Sometimes we need to pay attention to the pattern. And honey, let me tell you, that's a whole conversation in and of itself. So why do we need to stop falling in love with potential and start paying attention to patterns? Let's talk about relationships. Because if there's one place where discernment can save us a whole lot of emotional exhaustion, it's right here in relationships, you know, the ships, all the ships we go on, friendships, dating, marriage, family, all the ships. And those people who seem to have a permanent reservation in our lives, even though they keep bring keep bringing chaos to our table. Don't no, I don't I don't want you to misunderstand me in this. Relationships do require grace. They require patience. They require understanding. Nobody gets everything right. We all have difficult days. We all make mistakes. And healthy relationships should allow room for growth. But discernment helps us distinguish between natural human imperfections and recurring unhealthy behavior. There's a difference. And that distinction is very important. So, kind of one way that you you get that distinction is knowing what the words are versus actions, right? You commonly hear, you know, actions speak louder than words, right? That's the common saying. So let's start with something simple. Words matter. But actions provide additional information. People don't realize that. Anyways, the ones that don't ever show up, they don't realize that. So some people say, I love you, and that's meaningful. But how do they treat you? Some say I respect you. Do they respect your boundaries? Some say I've changed. Have they? What has actually changed? Some say you can trust me. Well, do they behave consistently and honestly with you? Because words describe intentions, right? Actions help demonstrate whether those intentions are being carried out. And discernment examines both. Now, a single mistake doesn't automatically define someone's character, but repeated behavior deserves attention. Especially when the same apology is followed by the same hurtful conduct. Repeated, right? The apology cycle. Have you ever experienced this? Something happens. You get hurt. They explain why. The person apologizes. The promises of things that you know they'll be different. They promise these things, all these things. It's gonna be different. We will be different. It will be different. You feel hopeful, things improve temporarily, and then the same behavior returns. So you have another conversation, another apology, another promise, another period of improvement, and then guess what? Magically, here we go again. Honey, at some point, we have to ask whether we're experiencing genuine repair or simply repeating a family cycle. Because in this discernment is asking. Does the person acknowledge the behavior? Do they take responsibility without blaming me for everything? Are they willing to understand the impact? Are they making realistic changes? Are those changes consistent over time? And are both people participating in healthier communication? Because meaningful change is usually demonstrated through repeated choices. Not one emotional conversation, not one expensive gift, not one wonderful weekend. Consistency matters. I can't say that enough. So what happens when you get discernment and having to figure out the difference between that and love bombing? It's my new favorite term. I need to discuss this a little bit because people talk about this frequently, love bombing these days. The term is often used to describe overwhelming affection, attention, gifts, or promises that may be used to accelerate attachment or gain an influence over you. But we need to be careful with this, right? Not every enthusiastic romantic partner is manipulative. Not every person who gives gifts has bad intentions. And not every intense beginning means a relationship is unhealthy. Discernment examines context and patterns. Is the relationship moving faster than you're comfortable with? Does the person respect your request to slow down? Do they pressure you into commitments? Do they become angry when you maintain independence? Do they discourage your outside relationships? Do they use affection and influence? Or Affection to really influence your decisions. Those questions are more useful than simply labeling somebody based on one behavior. Because discernment isn't about collecting labels, it's about understanding what is happening. When someone's potential becomes your project, what do you do? this one, right? Some of us fall in love with somebody's potential. We see the good, we see the hurt underneath their behavior, we see the person they could become, and then we start working over time trying to what? Help them become that person. We encourage, we reassure, we forgive, we explain, we sacrifice and we wait, and we keep believing that if we love them enough. They will finally become the partner or friend we know they could be. But here's the question: Are they doing their own work? Because you cannot heal somebody on their behalf. You cannot make somebody take responsibility. You cannot create motivation for someone who doesn't want to participate. You can support growth, you cannot manufacture it. And sometimes discernment means recognizing that loving someone's potential is not the same as having a healthy relationship with their present behavior. So how does this work with friendships then? Because friendships require discernment too. Have you ever noticed that someone, or some people rather, only contact you when they need something? They need advice, they need money, they need emotional support, they need somebody to listen. And you're always available. But when you're struggling, crickets. Hmm. Now that doesn't mean every friendship has to be Perfectly balanced every single week. That's not practical. People go through difficult seasons. Sometimes one friend needs more support than another. That's normal. But over time, healthy friends generally include what? Mutual consideration. So ask yourself, does this person care about my life? Care about me? In my my needs? Can I can I share my struggles? Do they respect my time? Can we disagree respectfully? Do they celebrate good things happening to me? Can we repair misunderstandings? Discernment helps us decide where to invest our energy. Not everybody needs the same level of access. And that's okay. Discernment in family and relationships, it gets especially complicated. Because history creates expectation. We tell ourselves, but that's my mother, but that's my father, that's my sibling, that's my child, my family. And family relationships can carry deep emotional meaning, but family connections doesn't eliminate the need for respectful behavior. You can love family members and still establish boundaries. You can understand their struggles and still recognize harmful patterns. You can maintain contact in ways that support your well being. And sometimes you may need distance. Those decisions deserve thoughtfulness, especially when relationships are complex. Discernment isn't about automatically cutting people off. It's about considering what kind of contact is healthy and realistic. So now how do we fit discernment into marriage? Because marriage deserves particular care. Because marriage involves commitment, vulnerability, shared responsibilities, and often years of history. Discernment in marriage doesn't mean constantly investigating your spouse. Sorry. It means paying attention to the health of the relationship. Are we communicating honestly? Are we respecting each other? Are we making room for each other's emotional needs? Are we repairing conflict? Are we addressing recurring problems? Are we willing to grow? And and when when trust has been damaged, are we rebuilding it through consistent behavior? Sometimes discernment means recognizing a problem that needs attention. Sometimes it means recognizing genuine progress. And sometimes it means seeking qualified support when a relationship has become difficult to navigate. That's why people like me exist. But discernment should not become an excuse for controlling, monitoring, or punishing a partner. Healthy trust requires respect for both people. The difference between forgiveness and access. This connection to another back porch conversation at some point. I've said you can forgive someone without automatically restoring the same level access to your life. Forgiveness may be part of your personal healing. Trust develops through experience and reconciliation requires participation from the people involved, right? Those are related, but different. Discernment helps us decide what rebuilding a relationship might reasonably require. And sometimes the answer is time, sometimes it's accountability, sometimes it's boundaries, and sometimes it's counseling. And sometimes it's just recognizing that relationships cannot continue as it was. So I want you to consider someone important in your life. And I want you to ask a question: Do their words and actions generally align? Can I communicate honestly? Do I feel respected? Do we both take responsibility? Are there recurring patterns I've been minimizing? Am I making decisions based on who they are now or who I hope they'll become? And am I extending the same accountability to myself that I expect from them? Because discernment isn't about deciding we're always right. Discernment isn't about deciding we're always right. It's about being willing to see relationships clearly. So now I want to talk about the biblical discernment, spiritual wisdom, judgment, and why having faith doesn't mean abandoning the responsibility to think carefully. We're going to discuss why not everybody who quotes scripture is automatically demonstrating godly character. So we're going to go there. Bear with me. Biblical discernment. What is that? Faith, wisdom, judgment, recognizing what is true, right? So now we're going to talk about the Christian perspective part of that. Discernment is a concept where we hear about frequently in faith communities. I think mean any any faith community I've been, discernment has been talked about routinely. So in those communities we hear things we we hear things and hear people say things like, pray for discernment, use spiritual discernment, ask God for wisdom, pay attention to the fruit. And those ideas can be meaningful, right? But what do they actually mean in everyday life? And how do we practice discernment without turning into Well, turning it in any of it into sus suspicion, judgment, or the assumption that our personal impressions are always correct. Can you see how some Christians get a bad name? Because that happens. So let's start with wisdom. James 1.5. I've already mentioned it. Asking for wisdom. Encourages believers who lack wisdom to ask God, right? I love the humility in that idea. Because asking for wisdom acknowledges that we don't already know everything. We need guidance, we need understanding, and we need to remain teachable. Sometimes we need to admit that our first interpretation might have been wrong. And that's important. Because genuine discernment requires humility. It's difficult to learn when we're convinced we already have every answer. You know that person, the one that knows everything, right? So Proverbs 3, 5, 6, five through six, rather. Sorry, my brain is trust and understanding. It teaches about trusting the Lord rather than relying solely on our understanding. Now, I don't interpret that as a command to stop thinking. I see it as a reminder that our personal perspectives have limits. We don't see everything. We don't know everything. We don't know every motive. We don't understand every circumstance. And sometimes our desire can influence our judgment. So we seek wisdom. We pray. We examine information. We listen to wise counsel. Mine, right? And we remain willing to learn. Because faith and thoughtful evaluation don't have to compete. So the two of those can actually work together. In Matthew 7, judging and recognizing fruit. Now here's where conversations about discernment can become complicated. People will often quote, judge not. And sometimes that statement is used to discourage any evaluation of behavior. But with broader teaching in Matthew 7, it addresses hypocrisy and the importance of examining ourselves. So later in the chapter, Jesus speaks about recognizing people by their fruits. That invites thoughtful consideration of what someone's life and actions demonstrate. But we have to approach that carefully, right? Recognizing behavior is not the same as claiming that to know everything about a person's heart. We we can observe dishonesty without claiming we know every motivation behind it. We can recognize a harmful pattern without declaring someone beyond redemption. We can maintain boundaries without assuming moral superiority, right? Having a hard time with that one. How many people do you know that have that moral superiority? It's it's aggravating, right? We can even acknowledge our own imperfections while still making wise choices. Discernment should produce humility, not arrogance. The difference between discernment and judgmentalism. I'm gonna keep this practical. Judgmentalism's, you know. They sound like that person is terrible. They're helpless. They're beneath me. I know exactly what kind of person they are. Discernment sounds more like I observed repeated dishonesty. And I need to be cautious about trusting this person with sensitive information. Do you hear the difference? One makes sweeping claims about someone's entire identity. The other evaluates an observation of behavior and determines an appropriate response. We don't have to condemn somebody to establish a boundary. We don't have to hate somebody to decide a relationship isn't healthy. And we don't have to claim spiritual superiority to recognize that something needs to change. So part of this discussion is that the danger of using God to end a com conversation. I've had this happen to me. It's very uncomfortable. It's an uncomfortable conversation for me to have with you right now because sometimes people use spiritual language to avoid accountability. And that frustrates me because it gives us a bad name. They say things like, Well, God told me you need to forgive me. God told me we're supposed to be together. God told me you need to trust me. God told me you shouldn't question this. Excuse me. And and that can place enormous pressure on another person, right? Especially someone who deeply values their faith. But a person's claim about divine guidance doesn't automatically establish that their request is right. You allow them to say the things. You're allowed to ask questions. You're allowed to take time. You're allowed to consider whether something aligns With your values and circumstances. You're also allowed to seek independent counsel. You're allowed to what? Everybody should know this. To say no. It's a complete sentence. Spiritual language should not be used to pressure someone into surrendering their judgment or boundaries. Never. Faith should never require you to ignore coercion. Intimidation or harm. The Micah Miller case rings in my head when I talk about this. So we get to Galatians five, and that's the fruit of the Spirit, right? It describes qualities associated with fruit of the Spirit, including love, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. I think those qualities offer meaningful points for reflection, not as a checklist for declaring somebody perfect. Nobody demonstrates every virtue flawlessly all the time. We just don't. We're humans. But as an invitation to examine patterns, does this relationship just demon demonstrate kindness for me? Is there patience? Is there self control? Is there honesty and responsibility? Does the person respond to correction with humility? And are we practicing those qualities ourselves? Because discernment shouldn't only be directed outward. We need to examine our own conduct too. What is spiritual discernment when it comes to fear? coincides with everything else I've been talking about, right? Sometimes people become frightened that they're missing a sign from God. They analyze every coincidence, every conversation, dreams, and uncomfortable feelings, and they become anxious about making the wrong decision. But a thoughtful faith practice doesn't have to mean living in a constant fear of hidden messages. We can pray for guidance, we can examine scripture thoughtfully, we can seek counsel, we can evaluate circumstances, and we can make responsible decisions with humility. We don't need absolute certainty about every outcome before taking a reasonable next step, right? Sometimes wisdom involves acting responsibly with incomplete information. So Proverbs repeatedly. emphasizes the value of counsel and wisdom. And I think that's particularly important when emotions are strong. Sometimes we need somebody outside the situation, someone who isn't invested in telling us only what we want to hear. Someone who can ask difficult questions. Someone who can help us consider alternative explanations. That might be a trusted friend, a pastor, a mentor, Counselor, or an appropriately qualified mental health professional outside of a a counselor, like a psychologist, psychiatrist. It's depending on the situation, right? Who you're gonna really need to talk to. But choose carefully. Wise counsel should help you think more clearly. It shouldn't simply replace your judgment with somebody else's opinion. So if you ask five people for advice and only listen to the one who tells you exactly what you wanted to hear, we may need to revisit the definition definition of seeking counsel, right? Because sometimes we're not looking for wisdom then. We're looking for permission. And there's a difference. So a little reflection I want you to do. I want you to ask yourself, am I seeking wisdom or reassurance? Am I examining the full situation? Am I willing to hear something uncomfortable? Am I using faith to encourage responsibility and compassion? Or am I using spiritual language to avoid a difficult truth? Am I practicing humility? Am I giving myself permission to slow down? Because discernment should help us approach, right? It should help us approach life with greater wisdom, not greater fear. So as I get into the fifth part of all of this, I want to I want to talk a little bit about how. to actually develop discernment. The everyday habits, the questions, the boundaries, the decision making tools. Because knowing discernment is important. But knowing discernment is as important because How do I want to say this? It doesn't it doesn't help much if we don't know how to practice it. And this is where we're going to put some tools into our emotional toolbox. So how to develop discernment. We've talked about it. We've talked about discernment. We've talked about intuition. we've talked about relationships. We've talked about faith. Now let's get practical. Because I don't want you leaving this podcast simply saying, well, that was interesting. I want you guys to come back. I want to hear you talk to me. I want an email. I want some kind of comment. Leave a message. Something. I want you to have something though you can actually use. Something that helps you make a decision. Something that helps you recognize patterns. Something that helps you communicate more effectively and something that helps you stop making choices solely because you're afraid of disappointment or disappointing somebody. So developing discernment. Tool number one. I've taught this on other other things. Learn to pause. Take that five-second pause. I know it sounds simple, right? But it can actually be incredibly powerful. Pause. Before you say yes, before you commit, before you send that emotional text, before you agree to something expensive. Before you share private information, before you make a major relationship decision, before you give yourself away. Give yourself a moment. Because urgency can interfere with thoughtful decision making. Sometimes we feel pressured because someone wants an immediate answer. But another person's urgency doesn't always create an emergency for us. You can say, I need to think about that. Let me check my schedule. I'd like some time to consider my options. I'm not ready to make that decision just yet. And those are complete, reasonable responses. Now, genuine emergencies do require prompt action. But many everyday decisions don't. And I want you to be able to recognize that. Discernment begins by recognizing the difference. So part, or number two rather, is to separate facts from feelings. Hmm, this is a tough one for me especially. So we've touched on this a little bit already. But it's worth repeating. Feelings provide information about our experience. They don't automatically establish what is happening outside of us. For example, I feel rejected. That's a feeling, right? But does that mean someone intentionally rejected me? Maybe, maybe not. We need context. Or I feel uncomfortable around this person. The discomfort deserves attention. But what is contributing to it? Their behavior, a previous experience, a mismatching communication styles, a boundary concern, something else? We don't have to dismiss feelings. We can become curious about them. So ask, what happened? What did I feel? What did I conclude? What evidence supports that conclusion? What other explanations are possible? That's discernment. Number three, pay attention to patterns. One of the most useful things we can do is look at behavior over time. Because isolated moments can be misleading. Everybody has bad days. Everybody says something imperfectly. Everybody forgets something occasionally. But repeated patterns provide more information. Does somebody consistently keep? Commitments? Do they regularly acknowledge mistakes? Do they respect boundaries? Do they show consideration? Do they respond to concerns constructively? Or do they Repeat the same problems. Continue on and continue through without meaningful effort toward change. Discernment doesn't demand perfection. It looks for consistency and accountability. Number four, ask questions. Ask better questions. Sometimes we make a decision based on incomplete information because we're uncomfortable asking questions. Don't do that. We don't want to offend. We don't want to create conflict, you know, rock the boat. But respectful questions are a part of healthy communication. You can ask, can you help me understand what you mean? What would this commitment involve? What are your expectations? What would we handle or how rather would we handle a disagreement? What was changed, or maybe even has changed, since the last time this happened? What would accountability look like? What if I'm missing information? Or what information am I missing? Here's something worth remembering. A person's response to reasonable questions can provide us useful information. Not because every defense re defensive reaction proves wrongdoing. But because healthy communication generally requires room for clarification. So number five, identify your values. What are they? Discernment becomes easier when you understand what matters to you. What are your values? Honesty, faith, respect, family, peace, responsibility, compassion, integrity. When you're clear about your values, you can evaluate choices more consistently. For example, if honesty matters to me, am I overlooking repeated dishonesty because I don't want to lose the relationship? If peace matters to me, am I confusing peace with avoiding necessary conversations? If compassion matters to me, am I also extending compassion toward myself? If faith matters to me, Am I making decisions thoughtfully rather than simply following pressure? Your values can become a guide, not a guarantee that every choice will be easy, but a framework for making decisions. Number six, recognize when fear is driving. Let's talk about fear. Fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, conflict, being disliked. Being alone, missing an opportunity. Those fears can influence our decisions greatly. Sometimes we say yes because we're afraid of losing someone. Sometimes we stay silent because we're afraid of an argument. Sometimes we forgive before we're actually ready. Because we're afraid of being judged. Sometimes we remain in unhealthy patterns because change feels uncertain. So ask yourself, if I weren't afraid of this person's reaction, what could I choose? Now, that question doesn't automatically determine the right answer. But it can reveal how much fear is influencing your decision. And that awareness matters matters in this. That a mere that awareness is a pattern. I was trying to combine the two sentences, y'all. my brain is speeding ahead that awareness can see the patterns that matter also number seven consider the cost every choice has potential consequences right we know that we're grown some obvious some less obvious so when you're making a decision ask what might this cost financially emotionally physically Relationally, what might I gain? What might I lose? What happens if I proceed? What happens if I say no? And which consequence am I realistically willing to accept? Because discernment doesn't mean avoiding every risk. It means evaluating risk thoughtfully. Number eight, seeking perspective without surrendering your judgment. Sometimes we need outside input, right? Especially when we're emotionally invested. But here's the thing. Nobody ever who gives advice is qualified. Well, not everybody that gives advice is qualified. Some people are not. Not qualified to guide in every situation. I'm not in every situation. And not everybody has the full picture. So seek people who can listen carefully, who can acknowledge uncertainty, who can challenge your assumptions respectfully, who aren't simply trying to control your decision. And remember Advice is what? It's just information. And it's automatically well it's it's not automatically an instruction. Right? Can you see the difference there? It's just information, not an instruction. So you still have responsibility for your choices. And we gotta remember that we are responsible for our choices in everything we do. Number nine, learn to tolerate disappointment. This was a big one. Sometimes discernment tells us to make a choice that disappoints somebody. And for people pleasers that can be really unbearable and feel terrible. You may know that you need to say no, but you don't want somebody upset. You may know you need a boundary, but you're afraid they'll misunderstand. You may know a relationship needs to change, but you don't want to hurt anybody. Here's the truth. You can make a thoughtful, respectful decision, and someone can still be disappointed. Their disappointment does not automatically make your decision wrong, and your discomfort doesn't automatically mean you should reserve it. Did I say reserve? Anyway. What I meant to say was 'cause I think I just said that wrong, but anyway, reverse it. Don't reverse it. It doesn't mean you should reverse it because you're uncomfortable. So glad you all love me and understand that I make faux paws and I say things wrong, and my tongue gets twisted and it gets caught around my eye teeth, and I can't see what I'm doing. Anyway, I love that you all love me, despite my malfunctions in the process of this. Bless y'all. Back to it. Where was my thoughts? Sometimes growth requires learning. To tolerate those feelings, right? And that's okay. We have to learn to tolerate things, to be uncomfortable, and to not automatically want to reverse every decision we make. Cause I should be saying reverse. I don't even know what I said now. Anyway, number 10. Could have you all confused. Review your decisions with compassion. Discernment develops through experience, not perfection. I'm not perfect. None of us are. Sometimes you'll make a decision that doesn't work out. Sometimes you'll trust someone who disappoints you. Sometimes you'll misinterpret a situation. Sometimes you'll overlook important information. And sometimes you'll be cautious. A little too cautious maybe. And when that happens, don't immediately attack yourself. Instead, ask. What did I know? What did I miss? Did I learn anything? Can I learn anything? What would I do different or could I do different? And what support might help me make a better decision next time? Because shame does not automatically produce wisdom. Shame does not automatically produce wisdom. It doesn't, period. Anyway, so I have a five question. discernment check. And you guys might want to write this down. I want to give you the five questions you can remember. So number one is what do I actually know? Pause if you need to. Write it down. What do I actually need to know? Or what do I actually know? Number two. What am I assuming or hoping? What am I assuming or hoping? Number three. What patterns are present? What patterns are present? Number four, does this decision align with my values and boundaries? Does this decision align with my values and boundaries? And number five, what would a thoughtful next step look like? You don't need to know the entire future. What would a thoughtful next step look like? You just need to make the next responsible decision with the information available, right? And remember, sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes the answer is no. Sometimes it's not yet. Sometimes it's I need more information. So I want to bring everything together now. I want to talk about the peace that comes from discernment, the difference between wisdom and suspicion, and how to live with a compassionate heart without giving everybody unlimited access to your life. I want to leave you with a challenge that I believe could change the way you approach decisions. Because discernment is just something we learn. Isn't just something we learn. Gosh, I wish I could untie my tongue. So, discernment, a soft heart and a wise mind. People who walk with discernment typically have a soft heart and a wise mind. So I've reached the final part of this talk today. in our conversation about discernment. has been interesting. I've learned a few things myself in doing the research. But I want to leave you with something important. Discernment is about becoming better, seeing better. Discernment isn't about becoming suspicious of everybody. It's not about questioning every compliment, analyzing every text message, or assuming everyone has bad intentions. It's about learning to recognize what. You deserve your trust, your time, your energy, and your peace. Because you can be compassionate without being naive. You can forgive without automatically restoring trust. You can love someone without accepting harmful behavior. And you can have faith without ignoring the fact it's in front of you. Sometimes discernment tells us to stay and work through something. Sometimes it tells us to slow down and gather more information. And sometimes it tells us that our relationship or situationship is no longer healthy. But discernment should never be confused with fear. Fear says nobody can be trusted. Discernment says trust develops through consistent behavior. Fear says everybody will hurt me. Discernment says I can recognize patterns and make thoughtful decisions. Fear demands certainty. Discernment allows us to slow down and ask questions and acknowledge what we don't yet know. And sometimes the wisest words you'll ever speak will be let me think about it. Imagine that. Not immediately saying yes. Just because somebody expects an answer. So James 1 5 reminds us again to ask for God's wisdom. I know I keep saying that. And I believe seeking wisdom means remaining humble enough to recognize that we don't have every answer. We can pray, examine our circumstances, seek wise counsel, and make decisions that align with our values. We don't have to treat our uncomfortable feeling as a warning from God. And we don't have to leave. Feeling disconnected from things because Along that line, we don't have to ignore concerning behavior. Because when when we ignore concerning behavior, just because someone tells us to have faith, faith and discernment can work together. Did I twist that up in the end? My brain wanted to leap over into a whole other direction with that. And I'm sorry, you guys. I don't want leave I don't want to leave here and leave you thinking that. You're stuck alone and not having to not not being able to make decisions on your own without having to have counsel and discussing and conversations and all those things. That's not what I'm saying with this either. I want you to understand that you can just pray. You can take the the pause and look at the information yourself. Ask more questions if you need to. Don't be afraid to do that. That's what I wanted to say there, and I'm sorry if I twisted that up. So the next time you guys are facing an important decision, I want you to ask yourself, what do I know? What am I assuming? What patterns am I noticing? And does this align with the values and boundaries that I have? And what would a thoughtful next step look like? Because sometimes we're making decisions based on what we know. Sometimes we're making them based on what we fear. And sometimes we're making them based on what we desperately hope will be true. Learning the difference can change everything. You can have both. Before I let you go, I want you to remember something. You don't have to choose between having a soft heart and a wise mind. You can have both. You can remain kind without being endlessly available. You can believe people are capable of change without ignoring who they're showing you they are today. You can forgive without abandoning accountability. You can protect your peace without becoming cold hearted. Because discernment isn't about finding something wrong with everybody. It's about recognizing what is healthy, what needs attention, and what deserves further consideration. You don't have to hand everybody a key to your front door just because they knocked politely. Sometimes you open the door, sometimes you talk through the screen, and sometimes you decide you're not accepting visitors today. And that's okay. So keep your faith, keep your compassion, keep your willingness to see the good in people. But don't forget to use the wisdom God gave you. Because not everything that feels right is right. And not everything that feels uncomfortable is wrong. And not every decision has to be made today. I'm Barbara. This is Back Porch Confessions. If today's conversation spoke to you, Share it with someone who needs a little more discernment in their life. Follow the podcast, leave a rating or a review, and tell me what's one decision you wish you'd slowed down long enough to think about? Or even think it through. Until next time, protect your peace, give yourself grace, and remember that a soft heart and a wise mind make a beautiful combination. I'll see you next time right here on the Back Porch Confessions. Thank you guys. Much love. Till next week. I think I'm gonna talk about conviction. See you then. 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