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03 - William Tell Told Again by P G Wodehouse · William Tell Told Again

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  Speaker 1: Chapter five. A few days after this, Hedwig gave Tell
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: a good talking to on the subject of his love
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  Speaker 1: for adventure. He was sitting at the door of his
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  Speaker 1: house mending an ax. Hedwig, as usual, was washing up.
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  Speaker 1: Walter and William were playing with a little crossbow not
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  Speaker 1: far off. Father said Walter, Yes, my boy, my bowstring
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  Speaker 1: has bust. Bust was what all Swiss boys said when
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  Speaker 1: they meant broken. You must mend it yourself, my boy,
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  Speaker 1: said Tell. A sportsman always helps himself. What I say,
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  Speaker 1: said Hedwig, bustling out of the house, is that a
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  Speaker 1: boy of his age has no business to be shooting.
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  Speaker 1: I don't like it. Nobody can shoot well if he
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  Speaker 1: does not begin to practice early. Why, when I was
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  Speaker 1: a boy, I remember on one occasion when what I say,
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  Speaker 1: interrupted Hedwig, is that a boy ought not to want
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  Speaker 1: always to be shooting at what not. He ought to
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  Speaker 1: stay at home and help his mother. And I wish
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  Speaker 1: you would set them a better example. Well, the fact is,
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  Speaker 1: you know, said Tell, I don't think nature met me
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  Speaker 1: to be a stay at home and that sort of thing.
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  Speaker 1: I couldn't be a herdsman if you paid me. I
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  Speaker 1: shouldn't know what to do no, everyone has a special line,
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  Speaker 1: and mine is hunting. Now I can hunt, a nasty,
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  Speaker 1: dangerous occupation, said Hedwig. I don't like to hear of
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  Speaker 1: your being lost on desolate ice fields and leaping from
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  Speaker 1: crag to crag and what not some day, mark my words.
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  Speaker 1: If you are not careful, you will fall down a precipice,
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  Speaker 1: or be overtaken by an avalanche, or the ice will
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  Speaker 1: break while you are crossing it. There are a thousand
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  Speaker 1: ways in which you might get hurt. A man of
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  Speaker 1: ready wit with a quick eye, replied Tell complacently, never
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  Speaker 1: gets hurt. The mountain has no terror for her children.
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  Speaker 1: I am a child of the mountain. You are certainly
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  Speaker 1: a child, snapped Hedwig. It is of no use my
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  Speaker 1: arguing with you, not very much, agreed Tell, For I
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  Speaker 1: am just off to the town. I have an appointment
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  Speaker 1: with your papa and some other gentlemen. I forgot to
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  Speaker 1: say so before. But Hedwig was the daughter of Walter first.
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  Speaker 1: Now what are you and Papa plotting? Asked Hedwig. I
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  Speaker 1: know there is something going on. I suspected it when
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  Speaker 1: Papa brought Werner Stofthatcher and the other man here. And
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  Speaker 1: you wouldn't let me listen. What is it? Some dangerous scheme?
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  Speaker 1: I suppose, now, how in the world do you you
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  Speaker 1: get those sort of ideas into your head? Tell laughed,
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  Speaker 1: dangerous scheme? As if I should plot dangerous schemes with
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  Speaker 1: your papa, I know, said Hedwig. You can't deceive me.
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  Speaker 1: There is a plot of foot against the governor, and
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  Speaker 1: you are in it. A man must help his country.
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  Speaker 1: They're sure to place you where there is most danger.
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  Speaker 1: I know them. Don't go. Send Walter down with a
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  Speaker 1: note to say that you regret that an unfortunate previous
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  Speaker 1: engagement which you have just recollected, will make it impossible
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  Speaker 1: for you to accept their kind inmutation to plot. No,
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  Speaker 1: I must go. And there is another thing, continued Hedwig Gessler.
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  Speaker 1: The governor is in the town. Now he goes away
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  Speaker 1: to day. Well, wait till he has gone. You must
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  Speaker 1: not meet him. He bears you malice to me. His
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  Speaker 1: malice cannot do much harm. I do what's right and
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  Speaker 1: fear no enemy. Those who do right, said Hedwig, are
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  Speaker 1: those he hates the most. And you know he has
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  Speaker 1: never forgiven you for speaking like that when you met
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  Speaker 1: him in the ravine. Keep away from the town, for
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  Speaker 1: to day. Do anything else, go hunting if you will, No,
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  Speaker 1: said Tell, I promised I must go. Come along, Walter.
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  Speaker 1: You aren't going to take that poor dear child. Come here,
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  Speaker 1: Walter directly this minute. Want to go with father, said Walter,
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  Speaker 1: beginning to cry, for his father had promised to take
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  Speaker 1: him with him the next time he went to the town,
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  Speaker 1: and he had saved his pocket money for the occasion. Oh,
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  Speaker 1: let the boy come, said Tell. William will stay with you,
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  Speaker 1: won't you? William? All right, father, said William. Well mark
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  Speaker 1: my words, said Hedwig. If something bad does not happen,
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  Speaker 1: I shall be surprised. Oh no, said Tell, what can happen?
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  Speaker 1: And without further delay, he set off with Walter for
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  Speaker 1: the town Chapter six. In the meantime, all kinds of
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  Speaker 1: things of which Tell had no suspicion, had been happening
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  Speaker 1: in the town. The fact that there were no newspapers
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  Speaker 1: in Switzerland at that time often made him a little
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  Speaker 1: behindhand as regarded the latest events. He had to depend,
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  Speaker 1: as a rule on visits from his friends, who would
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  Speaker 1: sit in his kitchen and tell him all about everything
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  Speaker 1: that had been going on for the last few days. And,
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  Speaker 1: of course, when there was anything very exciting happening in
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  Speaker 1: the town. Nobody had time to trudge up the hill
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  Speaker 1: to tell Chalais. They all wanted to be in the
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  Speaker 1: town enjoying the fun. What had happened now was this.
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  Speaker 1: It was the chief amusement of the governor Gessler, who
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  Speaker 1: you will remember was not a nice man. When he
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  Speaker 1: had a few moments to spare from the cares of governing,
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  Speaker 1: to sit down and think out some new way of
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  Speaker 1: annoying the Swiss people. He was one of those persons
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  Speaker 1: who only do it to annoy because they know it teases.
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  Speaker 1: What he liked chiefly was to forbid something. He would
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  Speaker 1: find out what the people most enjoyed doing, and that
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  Speaker 1: he would send a Harold to say that he was
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  Speaker 1: very sorry, but it must stop. He found that this
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  Speaker 1: annoyed the Swiss more than anything. But now he was
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  Speaker 1: rather puzzled what to do, for he had forbidden everything
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  Speaker 1: he could think of. He had forbidden dancing and singing,
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  Speaker 1: and playing on any sort of musical instrument, on the
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  Speaker 1: ground that these things made such a noise and disturb
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  Speaker 1: people who wanted to work. He had forbidden the eating
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  Speaker 1: of everything except bread and the simplest sorts of meat,
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  Speaker 1: because he said that anything else upset people and made
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  Speaker 1: them unfit to do anything except sit still and say
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  Speaker 1: how ill they were. And he had forbidden all sorts
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  Speaker 1: of games because he said they were a waste of time.
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  Speaker 1: So that now when he wanted dreadfully to forbid something else,
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  Speaker 1: he could not think of anything. Then he had an idea,
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  Speaker 1: and this was it. He told his servants to cut
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  Speaker 1: a long pole, and they cut a very long pole.
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  Speaker 1: Then he said to them, go into the hall and
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  Speaker 1: bring me one of my hats. Not my best hat,
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  Speaker 1: which I wear on Sundays and on state occasions, nor
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  Speaker 1: yet my second best, which I wear every day, nor
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  Speaker 1: yet again the one I wear when I am out huhunting.
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  Speaker 1: For all these I need, fetch me rather the oldest
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  Speaker 1: of my hats. And they fetched him the very oldest
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  Speaker 1: of his hats. Then he said, put it on top
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  Speaker 1: of the pole, and they put it right on top
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  Speaker 1: of the pole. And last of all, he said, go
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  Speaker 1: and set up the pole in the middle of the meadow,
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  Speaker 1: just outside the gates of the town. And they went
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  Speaker 1: and set up the pole in the very middle of
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  Speaker 1: the meadow, just outside the gates of the town. Then
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  Speaker 1: he sent his heralds out to north and south and
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  Speaker 1: east and west to summon the people together, because he
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  Speaker 1: said he had something very important and special to say
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  Speaker 1: to them. And the people came in tens and fifties
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  Speaker 1: and hundreds men, women and children, and they stood waiting
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  Speaker 1: in front of the palace steps till Gessler, the Governor,
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  Speaker 1: should come out and say something very important and special
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  Speaker 1: to them, hampunctually. At eleven o'clock, Gessler, having finished a
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  Speaker 1: capital breakfast, came out to the top step and spoke
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  Speaker 1: to them, ladies and chantlemen. He began a voice from
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  Speaker 1: the crowd, Speak up, ladies and chantlemen. He began again,
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  Speaker 1: in a louder voice. If I could catch the man
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  Speaker 1: who said speak up, I would have bitten in the
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  Speaker 1: neck by wild elephants. Applause. I have called you to
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  Speaker 1: this place today to explain to you my reason for
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  Speaker 1: putting up a pole on the top of which is
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  Speaker 1: one of my caps, in the meadow just outside the
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  Speaker 1: city gates. It is this you all I know, respect
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  Speaker 1: and love me. Here. He paused for the audience to cheer,
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  Speaker 1: but as they remained quite silent, he went on, you
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  Speaker 1: would all I know like to come to my palace
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  Speaker 1: every day and do reverence to me. A voice no no.
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  Speaker 1: If I could catch the man who said no no,
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  Speaker 1: I would have him stung on the soles of the
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  Speaker 1: feet by pink scorpions. And if he was the same
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  Speaker 1: man who said speak up a little while ago, the
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  Speaker 1: number of scorpions should be doubled. Loud applause. As I
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  Speaker 1: was saying before I was interrupted, I know you would
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  Speaker 1: like to come to my palace and do reverence to
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  Speaker 1: me there. But as you are many and space is limited,
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  Speaker 1: I am obliged to refuse you that pleasure. However, being
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  Speaker 1: anxious not to disappoint you, I have set up my
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  Speaker 1: cap in the meadow, and you may do reverence to that.
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  Speaker 1: In fact you must. Everybody is to look on that
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  Speaker 1: cap as if it were me a voice. It ain't
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  Speaker 1: so ugly as you. If I could catch the man
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  Speaker 1: who made that remark, I would have him tied up
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  Speaker 1: and teased by trained blue bottles deafening applause. In fact,
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  Speaker 1: to put the matter briefly, if anybody crosses that meadow
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  Speaker 1: without bowing down before that cap, my soldiers will arrest
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  Speaker 1: him and I will have him pecked on the nose
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  Speaker 1: by infuriated blackbirds. So there soldiers move that crowd on,
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  Speaker 1: and Gessler disappeared indoors again, just as a volley of
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  Speaker 1: eggs and cabbages whistled through the air, and the soldiers
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  Speaker 1: began to hustle the crowd down the various streets till
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  Speaker 1: the open space in front of the palace gates were
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  Speaker 1: quite cleared of them all. This happened the day before
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  Speaker 1: Tell and Walter set out for the town end of
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  Speaker 1: chapter six.