Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep23: 17 Minutes of Straight-Up Funny 🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep23: 17 Minutes of Straight-Up Funny 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Ladies stop putting them eyelashes on your car.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: You want a motherfucker to respect you, but your car look like a hoe.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Your car riding around trying to get that pussy away, just blinking in the hood.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Niggas be like, man, I'm gonna fuck that car when I get a chance.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, women ain't right.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: They'll let you put your whole face in their ass and then say you a nasty nigga.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: You like, hey.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Man, you riding home smelling your top lip mad.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: You got a booty hoe mustache.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Spitting out the window.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: I ain't never did that.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: I seen it on Lifetime.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: I seen it.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Shut up, motherfucker.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: I seen it on Lifetime channel.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I ain't gotta sit there and lie to y'all.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all looking at me like, oh, you didn't have your face in the ass or two.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: I got a cousin, she 700 pounds.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: She called me crying the other day.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: I said, what's wrong?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: They snatching women in the neighborhood.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: I said, and what are you worried about?
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Ain't gonna snatch nothing around you.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: You might get far lifts off one of these streets.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, she been running down the street where the women been getting jog snacks.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: She jogging down the street looking in cars, trying to get a snack.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: She's looking at the car.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: She running through the park, she waving the car.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: The van that been snatching the women roll past her five fucking times the other night.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: I told her, what does that tell you?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't see me.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I don't know, fuck that they not see.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: They seen you.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: How could somebody not see a circle on the corner?
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: A big Cheerios standing there on the corner, and then nobody sees you.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, she got snatched.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: I think they snatched her last Thursday or something like that.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they snatched her.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: I talked to the detective.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Mr.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Epps, she got in the van.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, she got in the van.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of young girls are dealing with old men now.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: You're dealing with old sugar daddies.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: Who's sitting here with Mr.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Charles right now?
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Who's sitting in here with Mr.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Ernest right now?
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: I see all them minivans outside and them Cadillacs and them Chrysler New Yorkers.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Who's sitting with Mr.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Ernest right now?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's how you got your ticket.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Some old man brought your ticket.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: He been telling people for weeks he's gonna bring it here.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, I'm gonna take it down there to the uh to the uh what the hell?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna take it down there to the uh to the offum this weekend.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: I think uh Mike Yep will be down there.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: But uh um they don't have no underwear on balls and chains, all that people.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: But uh them old men get mad when they've been paying your bills, you don't give them no pussy.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: I need to talk to you for a minute.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: I need to talk to you for a minute, Sylvia.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Shut up, you gonna listen to me, I listen to you, you gonna listen to me.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: They be trying to keep their false teeth in their mouth.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: I listen to you, you gonna listen to me.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now I come over here the other day and gave you a hundred dollars.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Not a hundred, but a hundred dollars.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: And every time I go to touch on you, it's a problem, see bitch.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'ma learn you tonight.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'ma learn you.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: You don't know who your mama gave some pussy to.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: You walking out the grocery store, some old nigga walk up telling me, how's your mother doing, little brother?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, who the fuck are you?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Tell a sea monster to that low, all right?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Nigga get mad and go home, mad as hell.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: You fucking sea monster, mama?
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's how I got y'all school clothes this year.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'll fuck him again if I had to.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: Where's your mother at?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: She here.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of young grandmas out here.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all, these grandmas nowadays, oh my god.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: They y'all not gonna be like our grandmas now.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Don't forget, our grandmas was listening to Natalie Cole.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all listening to Megan the Stallion.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: So you know what kind of grandma that's gonna be.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Baby, we were twerking like a motherfucker when we were baby.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: I had niggas in my DMs like a motherfucker.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Me and Rose went to a Cardi B concert.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: We had a ball.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Not Rose.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Me and Laquicia went to 90 years old Laquicia.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Me and Laquicia had a ball, bitch.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: How many women in here think they the best woman they man ever had?
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: Keep it real.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: How many?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, okay, why?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: She said, 'cause I seen the bitch.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: You see.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Women will dog a man out for his past relationships.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: They'll tell you in a minute.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the best thing you ever had.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Look how people treat you now.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: You seem more happier, is what everybody is saying.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Ain't that a bitch?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: You gonna take God's credit, baby?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't know we was gonna meet y'all, ladies.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: If we knew we was gonna meet you, we'd have told every woman before we met you, nope, I can't fuck with you.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: I got a bad bitch waiting on me five years from now.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: And she's gonna kill me for fucking with your ugly ass.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Tell the truth.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Hell no.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know how women apologize?
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Let it go.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: I did it, it's over.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Stop tripping.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, no, motherfucker.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: That shit ain't going past that quick.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: We harping on this.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because when we do something, they don't let us forget a motherfucking thing.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: It be two years later.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: They on their period, wanna go get something to eat, go ask that bitch with the blue sweater on.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: She wanna go.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: That bitch is dead now.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: That bitch.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: See all these young girls in here.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Young girls, y'all need to hang with around nothing but Tina Turner's.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Older women.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: From Hallville.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Tina Turner's and Betty Wright's.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Older women know how to ask you for some money.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Young women don't know how to ask you for no money after they engage some coochie.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Older women know how to ask for that money.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: This is how older women ask for some money.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: I was wondering since we spent a couple hours together.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: Seemed like you enjoyed yourself.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: If you have it on your heart to do something nice for me so I can get my nails and my toes.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: How you gonna tell this motherfucker no?
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: She says shit like this.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: This is how young girls asked for some money.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: You still gonna do what you said you're gonna do, OG?
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta give you$200 and take an antibiotic.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Bitch, don't come back.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't give a fuck.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: I got four daughters.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what the fuck I did wrong or right.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Four daughters?
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Can you imagine?
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Oh Lord.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because I've been running around lying to women and cheating on them and shit my whole life.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: God said, I got something for you, nigga.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, guy from DC, he said, I got something for you, slim.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Got something for you, slim.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Both daughters.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: No more skeeting on bitches' backs for me or none of that.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Skeet on another bitch's back.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: I asked the doctor, what did I do wrong?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: He said you gotta stop fucking women with dress socks on, Mike.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Walk around butt naked with some dress socks on in the house.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's cool to have daughters, you know, because you get to see your mother in them and shit.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: You see your mom.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, damn, girl, you mad me and my mama.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Get to see beautiful things when you got daughters, you know.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: But what fuck you up and make you mad, man, when they start dating.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: They start bringing little boys in the house.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because you don't know what the effect of having a daughter is until she brings a nigga in the house.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: My daughter's been bringing all little boys in the house that look like me.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: I want to kill every last one of them.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: I said, if you anything like I was, I'm gonna fuck you up.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: This one, I really wanna fuck him up.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: He be walking around looking at me.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: Ha ha ha ha ha.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Little fucking tight pants ass little nut hugger.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: I be looking at him going like this.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh uh.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, nigga.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: One night I needed some weed.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't find none.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: I called everybody.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I'm gonna try something.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: He was sitting in there.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: I said, hey man, you smoke weed?
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: He said, No, I don't smoke no weed.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I knew he was lying.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: I said, okay.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: And before I can get out the door, he said, I know who got it.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Oh yeah.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: I know who got it, I know who got it.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Is it good?
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: He said, It's loud.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: I said, go get it.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Man, I'm sitting there watching this little motherfucker.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: He walked out the back door and walk right back in the house.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I'm gonna fuck, I'ma slap shit out of him as soon as I see him.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: I said, hello, who the fuck you think I am?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, What?
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: OG, I got that.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Man, you had it on you.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: I said, get your ass in here.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because I still wanted it.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't gonna kick his ass out of that house as long as I've been looking for this shit.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: I said, get your ass in here, man.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Man, the weed was so good, I've been asking my daughter, where your little friend at?
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: I kind of like him.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: I liked him too much.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: I got a granddaughter now.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you get in an argument with your girl, them arguments are they are pinnacle in a relationship.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: You get in an argument with your girl, y'all say some shit to each other, y'all couldn't believe each other said about each other.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: In the middle of the argument, your girl be like, for real?
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, for real, bitch.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: You look like a hobbit.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: And women know how to say some shit to fuck our ego up.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Little dick motherfucker! Get your dick game right.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they clap.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we cuss your ass out.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: We wanna talk the next day.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, women will make your ass suffer.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: You done call me all kind of bitches.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: I ain't talking to your ass for a while.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: We wanna talk the next day and act like nothing happened.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: But y'all won't answer the fucking phone.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: But we keep calling, fuck it.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'ma fucking keep calling, bitch.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: I got something to say.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: You wouldn't let me finish.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: When we was arguing, I had three more shit to say to you.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: Let me get that off.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: And you finally start leaving messages after three days.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: That was fucked up what you did Friday.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: You fucking crazy.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: Second day, real different.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know where you at.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: But just let me know you alright.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to talk to you either.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: Third day, real different.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: You see love and hip hop last night.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: Then I watched Empire.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: You see cookie on Empire?
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: Fourth day, real different.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, look, I prayed on this last night.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: We cannot do this without God.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's what's fucking our relationship.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: We ain't got no spirituality in it.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Call me back now.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, and I'm going to get help too.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: I talked to the lady this morning.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to go with me.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Call me back.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: I love you.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Bye.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: Fifth day, real different.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck you then, bitch.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: You wanna act like a nigga did something that motherfucker back?
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck you.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: Cause I know what I am to this relationship.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: Call me back now.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: Or I'ma kill myself, bitch.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: This is not a game.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Nigga shoot the gun in the sky and drop the phone.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man, she calling back.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: But you supposed be dead.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's when you call a mama.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: You ever call the bitch's mama?
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna tell her mama what she's doing.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like her mama gonna agree with your ass.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: Hello.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: How you doing, Miss Jane?
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Well, well, where if it ain't I turn her in here, acting the food.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: I guess you heard what happened.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, she said she's sick of your shit.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, she is sick and tired of it.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: She said that you won't let her go nowhere.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: She said that you are abusive.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: She said that chat, let me finish saying what I'm gonna say to you.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: She said that you said you gonna kill all her friends.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: Did she tell you what she said to me, Miss Jane?
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: She said I had a little dick.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Well, do you?