Latest / Red Onion Randy - Life in a Supermax Prison / ROR 186: Violated

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ROR 186: Violated · Red Onion Randy - Life in a Supermax Prison

0:02
Speaker 1: Hello, this is a prebate call from and if the
0:06
Speaker 1: present Department of Correction read an in state prison to
0:10
Speaker 1: accept this, all press zero. This is Randall bab Aka
0:20
Speaker 1: read on you, Randy. I'm currently serving one thousand, two
0:24
Speaker 1: hundred and fourteen years for capital murder and on robbery
0:29
Speaker 1: now and finally at a level three fucking air correctional center.
0:35
Speaker 1: So always throw from where I grew up. If you
0:39
Speaker 1: have any questions or comments and want to leave a
0:41
Speaker 1: message or whatever, I've got a voicemail line. That number
0:46
Speaker 1: is one eight eight eight five ZU four one nine
0:52
Speaker 1: three suit. You can also visit my website which is
0:55
Speaker 1: new and improved and got different features and whatnot at
0:59
Speaker 1: deput deb dot red on Yourandy dot com. I hope
1:03
Speaker 1: you do. Let's get started with the podcast. H m hm,
1:25
Speaker 1: h m hm. Hey everybody, this is red on Your
1:33
Speaker 1: Randy and uh today we're doing something, something different, something
1:39
Speaker 1: brand new. I'm actually going to interview another prisoner for
1:46
Speaker 1: the podcast. We're going to do something that is a
1:52
Speaker 1: problem and it's it's been a problem in the system
1:55
Speaker 1: for a very very long time. You have people when
2:01
Speaker 1: they come into the system, they're brand new. Most times
2:05
Speaker 1: they're young, they're inexperienced, and so on and so forth.
2:09
Speaker 1: And when they leave receiving and they go to their
2:13
Speaker 1: main prison for the first time, the staff members there
2:20
Speaker 1: don't take the time to find out who you're compatible with.
2:26
Speaker 1: They just chuck you ass in the first open cell,
2:29
Speaker 1: and you know, they don't really care who they're putting
2:33
Speaker 1: you into cell with. So this episode is gonna be
2:39
Speaker 1: a little bit tough to tough to listen to. Also,
2:44
Speaker 1: I apologize, we're not on the best phone in the pot,
2:49
Speaker 1: so there's going to be some static. Guy. Michael will
2:53
Speaker 1: try to clear that up as much as possible, but unfortunately,
2:57
Speaker 1: we gotta we gotta work with what we gotta work with.
2:59
Speaker 1: So now, if however, you do have small children, young children,
3:08
Speaker 1: highly recommend you do not allow them to listen to
3:10
Speaker 1: this episode or episodes, because I have a feeling this
3:14
Speaker 1: might be maybe two or three. We'll see how the
3:18
Speaker 1: conversation goes. But today my guest is Kyle Holbert, and
3:26
Speaker 1: I've put him on the podcast before. You know, me
3:30
Speaker 1: and Michael and everything. I helped him start his own
3:33
Speaker 1: chessh ower Madness. If you haven't gone and checked that out,
3:36
Speaker 1: you know, give it a listen. It's on substack and
3:40
Speaker 1: it's on our stuff and whatnot. So I'm gonna I'm
3:48
Speaker 1: gonna put it. I'm want to put the phone in
3:50
Speaker 1: Kyle's hands and kind of let him talk about some
3:53
Speaker 1: of the stuff that he's had to deal with. Because
3:56
Speaker 1: I've been in prison thirty five years. Thankfully, I've never
4:01
Speaker 1: personally been put in this situation. I've been put in
4:04
Speaker 1: the cell with guys that I didn't like. I've been
4:07
Speaker 1: put in this situation. You know, guys I had to fight.
4:10
Speaker 1: You know guys I had to put in their place.
4:14
Speaker 1: But I'm a different beast. For most I'm capable of fighting.
4:19
Speaker 1: I'm pretty good at it, so I never really had
4:23
Speaker 1: to worry too much about that because when you're in
4:27
Speaker 1: the cell with somebody and they try something, it's one
4:30
Speaker 1: on one and one on one. I like my chances
4:33
Speaker 1: against anybody. However, that's not the same for everybody, and sometimes, man,
4:39
Speaker 1: it should go sideways. Sometimes it really really goes to sideways.
4:46
Speaker 1: And I'm gonna put Kyle of on and kind of
4:49
Speaker 1: let him tell y'all the story what happened to him,
4:53
Speaker 1: and then we'll just me and him will go back
4:57
Speaker 1: and forth. This is something new. We're figuring it out
5:01
Speaker 1: as we go along. Some bear with us, all right, everybody,
5:04
Speaker 1: here's Kyle. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is
5:08
Speaker 1: Kyle Hulbert. Those of you who know me from my
5:11
Speaker 1: chest shower madness, this is not going to be the
5:13
Speaker 1: mad cap of antics you're used to. First, want to
5:16
Speaker 1: thank Randy for letting me, for bringing me on. When
5:18
Speaker 1: he brought this idea to me, he was really walking
5:23
Speaker 1: on eggshells cloud because he understand the sensitive nature of
5:26
Speaker 1: what he was asking me to put out there to
5:29
Speaker 1: potentially millions of people to hear, and especially living the
5:34
Speaker 1: life that we do in prison. What I'm going to
5:37
Speaker 1: talk about my past is not something that it's not
5:40
Speaker 1: for good looks, that's for sure. I got arrested when
5:46
Speaker 1: I was eighteen, just been emancipated. That story for another time.
5:55
Speaker 1: Three months after my emancipation, I got arrested for murder,
5:59
Speaker 1: and two years later I found myself in Wallas Road
6:02
Speaker 1: to State Prison is one of the worst facilities we
6:07
Speaker 1: have in the state. It's not an easy place to live,
6:13
Speaker 1: and it was my first exposure to actual penitentiary life.
6:16
Speaker 1: You know, up to now, I've just been in now
6:18
Speaker 1: psyching act facilities, group homes Juvie once for ten whole days,
6:22
Speaker 1: you know, like I mean, you know, I had no
6:24
Speaker 1: idea what's getting into that had me be in the
6:27
Speaker 1: whole for about a month when I first got there,
6:29
Speaker 1: and it was you know, typical run and y'll see
6:32
Speaker 1: how it was going to act type shit. They put
6:38
Speaker 1: me to sell when I have put me in a GP.
6:40
Speaker 1: They put me to sell with a guy who's about
6:42
Speaker 1: ten years older than me liability reasons. I'm not allowed
6:44
Speaker 1: to say his name, and I wouldn't give him the
6:46
Speaker 1: credit of if if I even I was allowed to
6:48
Speaker 1: say it. Dude was a he was he was He
6:55
Speaker 1: was an He was a convict in the in the
6:57
Speaker 1: old school sense of the he'd been doing this as
6:59
Speaker 1: old this is what he knew. He tried the he
7:06
Speaker 1: tried the early one, what we call the feeling outs,
7:08
Speaker 1: you know, the testament, the waters, you know, offer me food,
7:12
Speaker 1: offer me cigarettes, you know, do I want anything? Do
7:14
Speaker 1: I need anything? That kind of thing. And that didn't
7:15
Speaker 1: work for me because I was I'm doing that for
7:19
Speaker 1: a long time. So when the classic trap tactors didn't work,
7:25
Speaker 1: he I think the second day that we're in the cell.
7:31
Speaker 1: Uh and one is where it's your lockdown. You know,
7:34
Speaker 1: you get I think forty five your tier gets forty
7:37
Speaker 1: five minutes in the morning, forty five minutes in the afternoon,
7:40
Speaker 1: and maybe half an hour at night if you're lucky.
7:43
Speaker 1: The rest of the time you are in yourself, and
7:47
Speaker 1: an hour of outside rack of appams to follow during
7:49
Speaker 1: your pod wreck. You're screwed. You either go outside or lose.
7:52
Speaker 1: Right When the classic trap taxes didn't work, he faded
8:06
Speaker 1: me into a verbal altercation. He escalated statistical really quick.
8:18
Speaker 1: It was pathetically easy for him to overpower me. I mean,
8:23
Speaker 1: I I'm not you know, I was twenty years old.
8:30
Speaker 1: I think I weighed one hundred and seventy pounds, you know,
8:34
Speaker 1: at six foot one so tall, gangly white boy, first
8:37
Speaker 1: time in prison with somebody who's been doing this for
8:40
Speaker 1: his whole life. When he got his neck around his
8:44
Speaker 1: arm around my neck, I thought he was just gonna
8:46
Speaker 1: kill me. I'd already seen one kid get his head
8:48
Speaker 1: beat in the first day. I came out the hole
8:50
Speaker 1: of the something beat in with a lock and sock.
8:55
Speaker 1: Because the guy he apparently snitched on, they put him
8:59
Speaker 1: in the pot with that guy right after you got
9:02
Speaker 1: the hole. So I'd already seen violence there. You'd already
9:06
Speaker 1: seen somebody go to the hospital, and here is guy's
9:08
Speaker 1: got me me in a choke hold, and I I
9:14
Speaker 1: just counted it as wrote that I was dead. When
9:19
Speaker 1: I woke up and had my face buried in the
9:23
Speaker 1: pillow with him inside me, I wish I was dead.
9:33
Speaker 1: I talked about more about this in the episode I'm
9:35
Speaker 1: going to release on my podcast at the same time
9:38
Speaker 1: this comes out, called The Price for Surviving, goes into
9:43
Speaker 1: more detail about the associated for scientist order and thinks
9:46
Speaker 1: that cut and the trauma DI can come from us.
9:48
Speaker 1: But we wanted to talk about how this is a real,
9:50
Speaker 1: very real thing. This happened. There's nothing you can do.
9:52
Speaker 1: You're in a eight by fourteen to eight by fourteen
9:58
Speaker 1: eight x twelve selve and you know yourself made decides
10:05
Speaker 1: he's going to choke you out and take what he wants.
10:08
Speaker 1: It's not a whole lot you're gonna do about it.
10:11
Speaker 1: You know, fighting isn't It's not that you can't fight,
10:18
Speaker 1: you know, it's the people will put you in places
10:23
Speaker 1: with guys who can doing this their whole lives is
10:25
Speaker 1: what they're literally training to do their whole lives. They don't.
10:33
Speaker 1: It's like taking some some kid off the street and
10:35
Speaker 1: put him in the ring with him and they may
10:37
Speaker 1: fight her and saying, hey, kid, kid the luck, go
10:38
Speaker 1: for the belt. Believe in yourself. It's not gonna it's
10:42
Speaker 1: not gonna end. Well, I didn't disclose. It wasn't the
10:53
Speaker 1: first time I've been sextually assaulted, and I had no
10:59
Speaker 1: reason to believe that anybody would believe me. And I'd
11:02
Speaker 1: already seen what happened to one you know, the authors
11:04
Speaker 1: that are already you know, put a kid in the
11:08
Speaker 1: in the pot with the guy he snitched on with
11:11
Speaker 1: no protection, and nobody was surprised when the kid got
11:14
Speaker 1: his happy did so excuse me? I remember the night
11:31
Speaker 1: after it was over. He's asleep. I've doctored myself the
11:36
Speaker 1: best I can, and I'm laying in my bed and
11:42
Speaker 1: I was thinking of how to kill the guy, like
11:46
Speaker 1: this is the only thing I could think of at
11:48
Speaker 1: that moment, was you know, I had some of the
11:53
Speaker 1: thoughts go into my head of the amount of hate
11:55
Speaker 1: mail I had received prior to getting to Wallace Bridge
11:58
Speaker 1: from people that saw my car I'm on the news.
12:00
Speaker 1: Whatever decided, they just had to tell me how they
12:02
Speaker 1: felt about me. And I was thinking about the number
12:04
Speaker 1: of people that said they hoped something exactly like that
12:06
Speaker 1: would happen to me. I was handstrung one by the
12:20
Speaker 1: idea of Habe's corpus at the time. If I killed
12:25
Speaker 1: this guy, then I'd never go home. There's nothing I
12:27
Speaker 1: could do, but truth be told, I was in no shape.
12:31
Speaker 1: That was a new condition, even if I even with
12:35
Speaker 1: the surprise and jump, and I had no doubt he'd
12:36
Speaker 1: overpowered me. And then what happened next for me, failing
12:39
Speaker 1: didn't bear thinking about. You end up People who end
12:46
Speaker 1: up in this position end up what I've always seen
12:50
Speaker 1: as survivor mode. You do what it takes to get
12:56
Speaker 1: by to tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. And in this case,
13:03
Speaker 1: a couple days later, he wanted, you know, he wanted
13:05
Speaker 1: my ass again, and you know, approached me about it.
13:13
Speaker 1: I gave him the probably. I gave him what I
13:15
Speaker 1: could say, what I probably thought was the best blow
13:17
Speaker 1: job of his life, because I knew I could not
13:20
Speaker 1: stop him from taking it in my ass if he
13:21
Speaker 1: wanted to, and I was if I struggled I just
13:25
Speaker 1: given hurt more. These are the choices that you make. Actually,
13:52
Speaker 1: I want to I want to say something real quick.
13:56
Speaker 1: Where I asked you a question, what did that do
14:00
Speaker 1: to you? Mentally? That's you know, you know, and first
14:09
Speaker 1: you have to understand something. Man, you're only a victim
14:12
Speaker 1: of you allow yourself to be a fan. I've told
14:14
Speaker 1: you before, I was molested when I was eleven years old,
14:17
Speaker 1: you know, by an older boy in a group home
14:19
Speaker 1: that I was in, and that fo me up for
14:22
Speaker 1: a long time. That's one of the main reasons why
14:25
Speaker 1: I have been prison is because of the rage, the anger,
14:28
Speaker 1: and the hurt and the shame, all that stuff. And
14:31
Speaker 1: I didn't start healing until I dealt with that moment.
14:34
Speaker 1: So my question is how did that play out with
14:40
Speaker 1: you mentally? Because you mentioned at the beginning of the
14:42
Speaker 1: episode you had been emancipated from psychological units you're entire
14:48
Speaker 1: and basically childhood to teenage years, So how did that
14:52
Speaker 1: amplify what you had already been struggling with before this
14:56
Speaker 1: even happened? But after that, how did you heal from?
15:02
Speaker 1: Because that's the most important thing right there is how
15:04
Speaker 1: did you heal from? Before I was arrested when I
15:14
Speaker 1: was a psychiatric. When I was a psychiatric care one
15:16
Speaker 1: of the concerns that got brought up a lot was
15:20
Speaker 1: the idea that I had been molested as a child
15:23
Speaker 1: and had repressed memories of it. To this day, I
15:26
Speaker 1: don't remember anything that my father stepfather ever did to
15:31
Speaker 1: me that you know, wouldn't even qualify as that, But
15:34
Speaker 1: there was there's a lot of talk in my documents
15:36
Speaker 1: about it. And then I was thirteen. The first time
15:39
Speaker 1: I was raped, I was in a group of home
15:41
Speaker 1: and that set me on a path of It seems
15:45
Speaker 1: to be the biggest trigger people that anybody who's looked
15:48
Speaker 1: into my case has been able to find for my
15:50
Speaker 1: disassociated personality traits. The person I had in mentioned became
15:55
Speaker 1: Survivor when I woke up or came to the first
16:01
Speaker 1: time and he and you know, he had my face
16:04
Speaker 1: buried in a pillow and was inside me. I just
16:08
Speaker 1: I felt everything in the kimming. The pain was there,
16:12
Speaker 1: but my awareness was it was going on. It kind
16:15
Speaker 1: of shifted. I was watching a movie about some mad
16:19
Speaker 1: being rape. I wasn't being raped, and I wasn't conscious
16:24
Speaker 1: of it at the time, but Survivor was sliding into place.
16:28
Speaker 1: He was solidifying and distilling as a as an actual
16:31
Speaker 1: personality of mine that he was in the forefront. It
16:37
Speaker 1: wasn't about enjoyment, enjoying my life. It wasn't about you know,
16:42
Speaker 1: being comfortable. It was about surviving today and today and
16:46
Speaker 1: today and tomorrow and tomorrow. That's it. Nothing else mattered mentally.
16:55
Speaker 1: It It had me thinking a lot of violent thoughts.
17:01
Speaker 1: You know, I'll be the first one to tell you
17:03
Speaker 1: I thought a lot of very very violent thoughts, and
17:05
Speaker 1: you know what was being done to me. I was
17:06
Speaker 1: angry about it. You know, there's I was terrified of
17:09
Speaker 1: my life, for my life, and there was that helpless
17:12
Speaker 1: there's nothing you can do about it. There literally feels
17:15
Speaker 1: there's nothing you can do about it. And it wasn't
17:18
Speaker 1: until many years later that I started healing. And that
17:22
Speaker 1: came from connection with people that were reaching out to
17:25
Speaker 1: me through penthouse sites and actually making connections with me.
17:30
Speaker 1: That's that. But that was a long time coming. I
17:34
Speaker 1: was in the cell with him for I think two weeks.
17:41
Speaker 1: The next time that he wanted my ass and wouldnix
17:45
Speaker 1: up the blow drops. You know, I put the Greeks
17:48
Speaker 1: on it myself because you minimize for us, you minimize damage.
17:52
Speaker 1: You do what it takes to get through this to
17:56
Speaker 1: the next day. I was lucky. I met a guy
18:01
Speaker 1: who had come up in the system. We'd gotten over
18:04
Speaker 1: two conversations, and he knew the type of guy was
18:10
Speaker 1: in the cell with and he wanted me to move
18:12
Speaker 1: in the cell with him to get away from that
18:14
Speaker 1: kind of crap. And we we devised, I mean, for
18:24
Speaker 1: lack of by way of a scheme. He the night
18:30
Speaker 1: after the second time that he raped me ainally, guy
18:35
Speaker 1: tells me, by the way you're moving on the cell phone,
18:38
Speaker 1: you're I've sold you to somebody. He didn't know that.
18:42
Speaker 1: I knew already that I had orchestra I orchestrated with
18:45
Speaker 1: the other guy. My life was worth two hundred and
18:49
Speaker 1: fifty dollars. It was a very sobering thought. I spent
18:59
Speaker 1: the next ten years doing everything I can to be
19:02
Speaker 1: strong enough not to have something like that happened to me.
19:04
Speaker 1: Never be in a position of weakness again. I'm still
19:10
Speaker 1: healing there there. I've one of the things, uh, one
19:17
Speaker 1: of the lesser talked about side effects of forceful sodom
19:22
Speaker 1: is it makes you prone to hemorrhoids. Because of the
19:24
Speaker 1: terry in your in your lining. So every day when
19:28
Speaker 1: I every day that I wipe and find blood, I'm
19:32
Speaker 1: reminded of what happened. That's a sure way to screw
19:35
Speaker 1: up my day. I find, you know, something's gone on there.
19:39
Speaker 1: I dream about it. I can't stop it. I can't
19:42
Speaker 1: stop the dreams from happening. But I did heal because
19:51
Speaker 1: I didn't. You have one minute remaining. I didn't give
19:55
Speaker 1: myself a choice. Sorry about that. We'll call back. H yeah,
20:01
Speaker 1: I'm all right still one minute? All right? Uh sorry people,
20:09
Speaker 1: that's uh, that's all we have time for in the
20:12
Speaker 1: first episode. Uh. Definitely tune in next week because we're
20:16
Speaker 1: going to record some more. Uh yeah, I know. So
20:21
Speaker 1: that's that's it's a hell of an episode. They mean
20:24
Speaker 1: to me? Is he right now? And it has my
20:25
Speaker 1: blood bully, you know, because I am a protector at heart.
20:30
Speaker 1: M hmm yeah, all right, Uh yeah, we want to
20:36
Speaker 1: record a m m h m hm and everybody. Yeah,
21:20
Speaker 1: just yeah. That that that that right there was tough
21:24
Speaker 1: to listen to. That was Kyle. I won't personally thank you,
21:31
Speaker 1: not not for really coming on the podcast. That that's
21:35
Speaker 1: you know, most people in here would jump at that chance.
21:38
Speaker 1: But for you to come on in such a way, dude,
21:41
Speaker 1: it's been amazing for you to to bury your soul,
21:44
Speaker 1: to bury your heart just you know, just to let
21:47
Speaker 1: it out there, to put it out there. You know,
21:50
Speaker 1: it takes courage and it takes a lot of balls
21:52
Speaker 1: right there, dude, I'm I'm proud of you. You're not
21:55
Speaker 1: only just you know, getting it off your chest, because
21:58
Speaker 1: getting it off your chest, talking about it will help
22:00
Speaker 1: you to heal even more, even further, you know. And
22:04
Speaker 1: I can see the hurt on you right now. I
22:05
Speaker 1: mean I can every line of you, dude is just hurting.
22:11
Speaker 1: I appreciate you, man, just sharing that pain with me,
22:15
Speaker 1: sharing that pain with my listeners. It's just going to
22:18
Speaker 1: touch people. This is going this is going to help people.
22:21
Speaker 1: I know for a fact that there are people out
22:23
Speaker 1: there that are listening to my podcast that you know
22:26
Speaker 1: they've gone through sexual abuse. So your strength is sharing
22:31
Speaker 1: your story, your strength and overcoming and wanting to overcome,
22:36
Speaker 1: desire to do it and going after it. Man, it
22:40
Speaker 1: means the world to me that you would you would
22:43
Speaker 1: open up on my podcast. Man, Thank you. All right,
22:47
Speaker 1: that's that's all the time. We have for now. I
22:50
Speaker 1: appreciate you listening to me more than you'll, uh you'll
22:54
Speaker 1: probably ever know. I just want to let you know,
22:58
Speaker 1: you know, don't forget to check out my way site
23:00
Speaker 1: right on your Randy dot com. And for those of
23:05
Speaker 1: you who want to hear more, or you want to
23:08
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23:13
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23:26
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23:33
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