Latest / You Didn't Ask For This / The Best of Episodes 41-50

Transcript

The Best of Episodes 41-50 · You Didn't Ask For This

• 0:01
  Matt: Hello, everybody, and welcome to a very special best of edition of You Didn't Ask for This.
• 0:06
  Matt: My name is Matt Shea.
• 0:08
  Matt: Eric Pooch, not here.
• 0:10
  Matt: Don't know where he is, to be honest with you.
• 0:12
  Matt: He could be just about anywhere in uh Ethiopia or the Siberian tundra, North Carolina.
• 0:20
  Matt: Or I don't know, he could be in some sort of fast cash eating contest at a Panera Bread in Manitoba.
• 0:28
  Matt: But he's not here with me, that's all I know, and frankly, neither am I.
• 0:33
  Matt: It's been a crazy couple of weeks, which has led to us rolling out some of the best bits from episodes 41 through 50.
• 0:44
  Matt: That's right, we're reaching back a little bit, but hopefully these bring you as much joy as they did the first time around.
• 0:53
  Matt: Otherwise, it's all right.
• 0:54
  Matt: And we'll be back in two weeks' time with yet another brand spankin' new episode that will, in all likelihood, probably be good.
• 1:04
  Matt: Who's to say haven't even dreamed of recording that yet?
• 1:08
  Matt: Anyways, please sit back and enjoy the best of episodes 41 through 50.
• 1:31
  Eric: Matt, I'm just gonna throw I'm just gonna throw the line out there.
• 1:35
  Eric: You wanna know where my line is?
• 1:37
  Eric: Okay.
• 1:38
  Eric: Where?
• 1:38
  Eric: Right?
• 1:39
  Eric: Poptart's ravioli.
• 1:41
  Eric: Excuse me?
• 1:42
  Eric: Poptart is ravioli.
• 1:46
  Eric: I'm sorry, Matt.
• 1:47
  Matt: A Pop Tart is a ravioli.
• 1:50
  Matt: Are you out of your fucking mind?
• 1:52
  Matt: Matt.
• 1:53
  Eric: How how?
• 1:54
  Eric: Explain.
• 1:54
  Eric: Explain.
• 1:55
  Eric: Matt.
• 1:55
  Eric: Explain.
• 1:56
  Eric: Matt, describe to me a ravioli.
• 1:59
  Matt: Uh it's it's a filled pasta, basically.
• 2:02
  Eric: It is a so there's like a dough-like shell that is filled uh with I and and like and and I don't know about you, I don't know if you've been on the food scene, but like doesn't have to be purely savory.
• 2:14
  Eric: I've had sweet potato ravioli, I've had fig ravioli.
• 2:18
  Matt: But pasta dough is decidedly different.
• 2:22
  Matt: Isn't it?
• 2:23
  Matt: Yes.
• 2:24
  Eric: Is it?
• 2:25
  Matt: Okay, so is a PBJ ravioli?
• 2:30
  Eric: No, no, no, no, no, no.
• 2:32
  Matt: Well, Eric, I don't understand that.
• 2:33
  Eric: But an uncrustable is an uncrustable 100% is a ravioli.
• 2:38
  Matt: Because it's enclosed?
• 2:40
  Eric: Yeah, because it's like they do the fucking stuff, stamp it closed.
• 2:44
  Eric: They stamp it the fuck closed.
• 2:46
  Eric: That's really all my only like criterion for ravioli is have you sealed the filling and dough and then did the little crimp.
• 2:54
  Matt: I can maybe give you uncrustables because uncrustables are still soft.
• 3:00
  Matt: Pop-tarts are hard.
• 3:02
  Matt: You'll give me uncrustables, but you won't give me Pop Tart.
• 3:06
  Matt: Yeah, because one makes objectively a lot more sense.
• 3:09
  Matt: A ravioli is a soft object with a soft inside.
• 3:14
  Matt: Whereas, no, no, I'm sorry.
• 3:16
  Matt: Okay, I'm sorry.
• 3:17
  Matt: Uncrustable is a soft uh uh dough enclosure, as you said, stamp shut.
• 3:24
  Matt: And yes, it's true that there is stamp markings on the side of Pop Tarts, but you were talking about a hard dough, a cracker, basically, around the outside.
• 3:36
  Eric: Matt, but like hear me out though.
• 3:39
  Eric: So to cook a ravioli, right, to serve it, right?
• 3:42
  Eric: You have your ravioli in its packaging.
• 3:45
  Eric: Uh-huh.
• 3:46
  Matt: Where do you go with this?
• 3:47
  Matt: You're gonna disprove yourself real fast.
• 3:48
  Matt: Because if you tell me you boil Pop Tarts, I'm gonna walk out of this podcast.
• 3:52
  Eric: Well, I'm saying, all I'm saying, Matt, I just want to say to cook a ravioli, you take it out of the packaging, you heat it in water, right?
• 4:02
  Eric: In liquid, you let it cook.
• 4:03
  Eric: Or and let actually let's just stick with that.
• 4:05
  Eric: You heat it, you let it, you let it heat.
• 4:08
  Eric: Okay.
• 4:08
  Eric: I don't I think I know Matt, this is gonna be great.
• 4:11
  Eric: I'm gonna slam dunk this shit.
• 4:12
  Eric: Matt, an uncrustable, right?
• 4:16
  Eric: They they they come frozen.
• 4:18
  Eric: They come frozen.
• 4:20
  Eric: And you don't put them in boiling water, but they do have to be removed and they do have to be heated, they have to be thawed, they have to be warmed.
• 4:31
  Eric: And Matt, all I'm saying is that a Pop Tart is a ravioli that no one has had the fucking courage to cook.
• 4:43
  Matt: Eric, what raviolis uh do get cooked.
• 4:48
  Matt: If you just ate a raw ravioli, it'd be gross as shit.
• 4:55
  Matt: And the way you cook, even if you you put them in a microwave, you gotta have them in water of some kind, or they won't cook if you've got a raw ravioli.
• 5:06
  Matt: If you've got a frozen uh uh uh uh uncrustable, which granted, you're right, you do have to defrost it, and then you can eat it.
• 5:19
  Matt: It's still the fact of the matter is with a Pop Tart, you can eat it as it comes, raw, if you will, or you put it in a fucking toaster.
• 5:29
  Matt: You sure as shit don't put it into boiling water, and either way, start and finish.
• 5:36
  Matt: A Pop Tart is hard, and then if you cook a Pop-Tart, it only gets harder.
• 5:41
  Matt: Whereas a ravioli start soft and ends soft.
• 5:44
  Matt: Are you out of your fucking mind with this?
• 5:46
  Eric: You ever boil Pop Tart?
• 5:48
  Eric: This isn't even the question.
• 5:49
  Eric: You ever boil Pop Tart?
• 5:50
  Eric: No, but if I butter on Oh God, you're a family guy song.
• 5:56
  Eric: Yep.
• 5:58
  Eric: I know one person I'm not gonna go fucking good.
• 6:02
  Eric: I am I'm not gonna call them out, but there is one person listening to this this this episode right now, or or she's gonna listen to it at some point, who is just like punching the air because she's like just going, yes, buttered pop tarts, but I'm not gonna I'm not gonna call them out.
• 6:16
  Matt: I mean, I don't I want to be clear, I don't, as a rule, butter my Pop Tarts.
• 6:21
  Matt: The Family Guy song made me want to try it, and then I did.
• 6:24
  Matt: I dated someone in high school who buttered their pop tarts.
• 6:26
  Matt: They're fine.
• 6:27
  Matt: They're fine.
• 6:27
  Eric: Yeah, fine.
• 6:28
  Eric: It's fine.
• 6:28
  Matt: They're fine.
• 6:29
  Matt: I mean, it it's it it's had it's good.
• 6:32
  Eric: It's not mind-blowing.
• 6:33
  Eric: Matt, have you had the courage to fucking boil a Pop Tart?
• 6:37
  Eric: The courage or the foolishness?
• 6:40
  Matt: Have you?
• 6:42
  Matt: Eric, you obviously know the answer is no.
• 6:44
  Matt: So have you have you boiled a Pop-Tart?
• 6:47
  Matt: No, but it would.
• 6:48
  Matt: Because if you boil a Pop-Tart, Eric, you know what you're gonna get?
• 6:51
  Matt: How the fuck do you know, Matt?
• 6:53
  Matt: If you boil a Pop-Tart, it's going to break down as opposed to a a a ravioli, which will only be Matt.
• 7:01
  Eric: You know what I'm hearing right now?
• 7:03
  Eric: All I'm hearing is, you know, do you know what'll happen if you go to the moon?
• 7:07
  Eric: You'll just die because it's made of cheese.
• 7:09
  Eric: You don't know, Matt.
• 7:10
  Eric: You haven't seen over the event horizon that is boiling a Pop Tart.
• 7:16
  Matt: It is not made of cheese.
• 7:17
  Matt: Okay.
• 7:18
  Matt: This is where I don't know where I have lost you along the way.
• 7:24
  Matt: But you have been overtaken by when it comes to food.
• 7:28
  Eric: I'm a fucking sa.
• 7:30
  Matt: Eric, if you drop a Pop Tart into boiling water as if you were to do it through it.
• 7:37
  Matt: With a ravioli, what's gonna happen is it's gonna get soggy, and then it's going to wait for it to dissolve.
• 7:46
  Matt: You just keep saying that word as if I know what it means.
• 7:49
  Matt: It's going to dissolve, it's going to break apart, and then you don't have a pop chart anymore, my friend.
• 7:56
  Matt: You have soup.
• 7:58
  Eric: I rest my case.
• 8:01
  Matt: So you're saying so your case is a pop chart, is soup?
• 8:05
  Matt: I just watched a man unravel.
• 8:09
  Matt: This was supposed to be a quick question.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_03: Eric, let me put you on the spot now.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_03: What is the uh British equivalent of 911?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_03: Ooh, he doesn't know.
• 8:18
  Eric: Hold on, hold on.
• 8:19
  Eric: Let me put myself in in the mindset.
• 8:21
  Eric: I'm a Brit.
• 8:22
  Eric: There is an emergency.
• 8:24
  Eric: I can no longer keep calm.
• 8:26
  Eric: I can no longer carry on.
• 8:28
  Eric: My upper lip is no is quivering.
• 8:31
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 8:32
  Matt: I'm afraid the parlor is on fire.
• 8:34
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 8:35
  Eric: I appears to be a murderer in my parlor.
• 8:38
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 8:38
  Eric: I appear to have dispatched with my family.
• 8:41
  Eric: I am reaching over for one of those phones.
• 8:43
  Eric: Like it's got the the part that goes here.
• 8:45
  Eric: Yes, yes, and I am dialing, I am dialing, I am dialing folks.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_04: What you don't see is that he's actually looking on Google at this point.
• 8:55
  Eric: I am dialing three, I'm dialing three one.
• 9:00
  Eric: Three one one.
• 9:01
  Eric: It's the non-emergency lines are non-emergency.
• 9:05
  Eric: I realized that halfway through.
• 9:06
  Matt: Uh Andy, uh, that's gotta be wrong.
• 9:08
  Matt: So what is it?
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_04: Well, I'll tell you what, I'm just gonna leave it up to the uh the viewers.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_04: Uh, why don't we go along and let them decide?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_04: Comment on the side, guys, if you know what it is.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_04: Ooh, and you will win a prize.
• 9:19
  Matt: Andy will send you a box of 17 biscuits.
• 9:25
  Matt: Ooh, former guest of the show, Megan Stanton coming in with 999.
• 9:30
  Matt: Is that correct?
• 9:32
  Matt: It is 999.
• 9:33
  Matt: Ooh.
• 9:34
  Matt: Damn.
• 9:35
  Eric: Also, Sarah, thank you for believing in me.
• 9:37
  Eric: I I'm sorry I failed you.
• 9:39
  Matt: I could be wrong.
• 9:40
  Matt: This might be a non-factual fact, but I think it was originally 999 here, and they changed it to 991 because they didn't want people doing it by accident.
• 9:49
  Matt: So they went to 991.
• 9:52
  Matt: Or 911, which is what it actually is, and not 991.
• 9:55
  Matt: Are we not considering potentially the emotional weight that a fart has?
• 10:01
  Matt: Because when you really got a fart, and let me let me set the stage for you.
• 10:06
  Matt: You know, you're on like a first date.
• 10:09
  Matt: Okay.
• 10:10
  Matt: Okay.
• 10:10
  Matt: Candles are lit, tablecloth out.
• 10:14
  Matt: You know what I'm saying?
• 10:15
  Matt: You're you're trying to create an atmosphere.
• 10:19
  Matt: You're creating an atmosphere together.
• 10:20
  Eric: I've wear one of those, I've worn one of my button-down shirts.
• 10:23
  Eric: I got this really nice one where it's like just just a little tight on me.
• 10:27
  Eric: And like, and like got that like second button over in the chest.
• 10:29
  Eric: It's nice.
• 10:30
  Eric: When I stand up straight, I look kind of jacked, but like, and then as soon as I sit down, you're like, oh, you're just you're just tall.
• 10:36
  Matt: For you personally, all right.
• 10:37
  Matt: To set the stakes for you personally, I'll say you went so far as to iron this shirt.
• 10:41
  Matt: Fuck.
• 10:42
  Eric: So threw it in the dryer for 10 minutes.
• 10:45
  Eric: Sorry, that's what I meant.
• 10:46
  Eric: That's what I meant.
• 10:47
  Eric: So you owed an iron.
• 10:50
  Matt: You fluffed a shirt.
• 10:52
  Matt: Yes.
• 10:53
  Eric: So you have got a freshly fluffed shirt.
• 10:56
  Eric: Freshly fluffed shirt.
• 10:57
  Eric: Got that dryer warmth in me.
• 10:59
  Matt: You're staring across the the table at at a potential significant other.
• 11:05
  Matt: A candid a candidate for the SO position.
• 11:08
  Eric: The old I so be so lucky.
• 11:10
  Matt: Should you be so lucky?
• 11:13
  Matt: So you're looking at this candidate, and then it hits you.
• 11:17
  Matt: Then it then it makes its way down your sphincter as you realize the horrible truth.
• 11:27
  Eric: It makes its way down my sphincter.
• 11:30
  Eric: It's it's waiting.
• 11:31
  Eric: Like it's creeping out.
• 11:33
  Eric: It's like, here I come.
• 11:35
  Matt: It's like you know the kind of fart I'm talking about.
• 11:37
  Matt: I know exactly where it is at I mean the troops are at the gates.
• 11:42
  Matt: Yeah.
• 11:46
  Matt: They are pounding down.
• 11:47
  Matt: The battering ram is going, ka poom.
• 11:50
  Eric: They've got a cave troll.
• 11:52
  Matt: Yes.
• 11:52
  Matt: And so what happens to you?
• 11:54
  Matt: I don't know what happens to you, but what happens to me in this situation?
• 11:56
  Matt: Yeah, if I'm really trying to hold it back, if I'm really trying to protect it, we're getting sweaty.
• 12:03
  Matt: Ooh, we're getting sweats.
• 12:05
  Matt: The anxiety is coming in.
• 12:07
  Matt: Can I stand up?
• 12:08
  Matt: If I stand up, will it just come out?
• 12:09
  Matt: Can I make it to the bathroom?
• 12:10
  Matt: Can what if I sneak it out?
• 12:12
  Matt: Can I just sneak it out?
• 12:14
  Matt: An SBD.
• 12:15
  Matt: But then she'll know everybody, everybody's so far away at this romantic atmosphere.
• 12:20
  Matt: There's no way out.
• 12:22
  Matt: And it you have the options of either let it out or hope it goes back up.
• 12:26
  Eric: Yeah.
• 12:27
  Eric: And so, like you're saying, like the sweating and stuff is making you heavier.
• 12:31
  Matt: The whole operation, the turmoil that's going on inside the lobes of your brain, isn't that adding a certain weight that cannot be quantified?
• 12:43
  Eric: So you're saying not farting makes you heavier?
• 12:47
  Matt: Right.
• 12:47
  Matt: But I'm saying if you just let it out, if you just subscribe to the better out than in philosophy, as fat bastard, I believe it was, decreed.
• 12:59
  Eric: Yes.
• 13:00
  Matt: Then if you won't you won't it be releasing, won't it be relieving?
• 13:05
  Matt: Won't it be lighter to be you?
• 13:08
  Matt: Emotionally, yeah, I agree.
• 13:10
  Eric: Emotionally, you will be lighter after farting.
• 13:14
  Eric: That is, that is mentally, spiritually, you will be you'll be less, you know, heavy.
• 13:22
  Eric: Physically though.
• 13:23
  Eric: Physically though.
• 13:24
  Eric: Physically though, I think it's still technically.
• 13:26
  Eric: I I think I I'm mmm physically, I'm gonna say it's a fucking we earned it.
• 13:32
  Eric: That should just be the tagline of oranges.
• 13:35
  Eric: You earned it.
• 13:35
  Eric: It should be the tagline of this podcast.
• 13:37
  Eric: Weird.
• 13:37
  Eric: Who sells oranges?
• 13:38
  Eric: Can they yes?
• 13:40
  Eric: What you want to do an ad for for oranges now?
• 13:43
  Eric: Yeah.
• 13:44
  Eric: Just oranges, not a company.
• 13:46
  Eric: Selling out train as fast as humanly possible.
• 13:50
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 13:50
  Matt: We well, Eric, you know what?
• 13:52
  Matt: Can you uh please hit us?
• 13:54
  Matt: Here's not for a company.
• 13:56
  Matt: Not for a company.
• 13:57
  Matt: Just four oranges.
• 13:59
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 13:59
  Matt: Quick quick shout out to oranges.
• 14:01
  Matt: Eric, uh, and three, two, one, go.
• 14:04
  Matt: Oranges.
• 14:06
  Eric: You earned it.
• 14:09
  Eric: There it is.
• 14:10
  Eric: Like it right like it there.
• 14:12
  Eric: Alright, here you go.
• 14:12
  Eric: Oranges.
• 14:13
  Eric: Oh, wait, wait, wait.
• 14:14
  Eric: I didn't say anything.
• 14:15
  Eric: I didn't call it.
• 14:15
  Eric: I chuckled.
• 14:16
  Eric: You're gonna no no no now, you're gonna.
• 14:18
  Eric: You're gonna you're gonna.
• 14:19
  Eric: Yeah, this is your orange pitch.
• 14:21
  Eric: Sure.
• 14:22
  Eric: Alright.
• 14:22
  Eric: Alright.
• 14:22
  Eric: Three, two, one, go.
• 14:27
  Matt: Every day when the sun creeps over the horizon and lights up the world, remind yourself that inside that terribly bitter and annoying to open peel of an orange lies the sunshine of your life.
• 14:46
  Matt: Oranges.
• 14:47
  Matt: It's basically the sun.
• 14:50
  Eric: And that was like the tiger ride.
• 14:52
  Eric: Yeah, that's like it.
• 14:55
  Eric: I feel like yours should be shot like a car commercial where it's like a lot of aerial swooping shots of like a guy climbing a tree with a tiger hanging on.
• 15:01
  Eric: You're just coming in to creatively direct my pitch.
• 15:04
  Eric: No, I'm coming in to creatively creatively improve it.
• 15:08
  Eric: Oh, oh, interesting.
• 15:09
  Matt: Okay.
• 15:09
  Matt: Uh all right, great.
• 15:10
  Eric: Because I see so much potential.
• 15:12
  Eric: I see so much potential for it being like amazing.
• 15:15
  Matt: And you know what, Eric?
• 15:16
  Matt: I say I I have the same thing.
• 15:17
  Matt: I'd say yours is full of potential.
• 15:19
  Matt: I'd say yours is full of nothing but potential, considering it was four words.
• 15:23
  Eric: Oh, it sounds like you're just kind of piggybacking off of my artistic improvements.
• 15:27
  Matt: So, like it's just saying maybe more than like three words is good, you know, for an advertiser.
• 15:34
  Eric: Okay, here, here.
• 15:35
  Eric: I'll I've I've revised it.
• 15:37
  Eric: Oh, you're gonna do it again.
• 15:38
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 15:38
  Eric: You get a second take.
• 15:39
  Eric: Okay, go ahead.
• 15:40
  Matt: Three, two, one.
• 15:42
  Eric: Oranges.
• 15:44
  Eric: You fucking earned it.
• 15:48
  Eric: I think that's like same one.
• 15:49
  Eric: I think that's the studio of applause.
• 15:51
  Eric: Like, fucking play.
• 15:52
  Eric: Studio of applause.
• 15:56
  Eric: I accept the reward.
• 15:58
  Matt: What's that?
• 15:58
  Matt: What's that?
• 15:59
  Matt: Hold on.
• 15:59
  Matt: I'm getting uh I'm getting a note from our uh producer, um Eduardo.
• 16:03
  Eric: Yeah, oh yeah.
• 16:04
  Eric: What's our producer's name, Matt?
• 16:05
  Eric: Matt, what's his name?
• 16:06
  Matt: Uh it's Eduardo.
• 16:08
  Matt: Eduardo.
• 16:09
  Matt: Uh what's that, Eduardo?
• 16:11
  Matt: Fruit can't give us money.
• 16:13
  Matt: That's interesting.
• 16:14
  Matt: Um that's interesting.
• 16:15
  Matt: Thank you, Eduardo.
• 16:16
  Matt: Um we should get you a mic one day.
• 16:19
  Eric: Uh yeah, we should we should work on former kind of deal.
• 16:22
  Eric: There is a right answer about how to make a PB and J.
• 16:25
  Matt: Okay.
• 16:26
  Matt: I am intrigued.
• 16:28
  Matt: Something tells me this could go strong opinions.
• 16:30
  Matt: This could go one of two ways.
• 16:31
  Matt: All right, Mr.
• 16:32
  Matt: Strong Opinion.
• 16:33
  Matt: I came down pretty hard on the peanut butter cups debacle that's happening in this country and indeed the world.
• 16:39
  Matt: So why don't you tell me, Eric?
• 16:41
  Matt: So walk me through a PBJ.
• 16:44
  Eric: Honestly, the more I think about it, yeah, like peanut butter and jelly as a as a metaphysical concept is nothing but strong opinions.
• 16:52
  Eric: No.
• 16:53
  Eric: I'm just gonna walk this through through you.
• 16:55
  Eric: Like I'm gonna I'm just gonna name aspects of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
• 16:59
  Eric: You tell me which one you don't have a strong opinion on.
• 17:01
  Eric: Okay.
• 17:02
  Eric: What kind of bread you use?
• 17:03
  Eric: Decently strong opinion, yeah.
• 17:05
  Eric: Flavor of jelly.
• 17:06
  Eric: Decently strong opinion, yeah.
• 17:08
  Eric: Smooth or crunchy peanut butter.
• 17:09
  Matt: Definitely have a strong opinion.
• 17:11
  Eric: Okay, so how you cut it or if you cut it once you're done making it.
• 17:15
  Matt: I have a strong opinion.
• 17:16
  Eric: Okay, so like the PPJ is just made of opinions.
• 17:22
  Matt: It's an opinion sandwich.
• 17:24
  Eric: It's an opinion sandwich.
• 17:25
  Eric: Yes.
• 17:26
  Eric: So let's uh I'm gonna start with my objectively correct opinions.
• 17:29
  Eric: Okay, cool um good, and then I'll then I'll correct them.
• 17:33
  Eric: Thank you.
• 17:34
  Eric: And and this is and this is the wild thing, is because yeah, it is nothing but obje uh like uh uh subjective opinions that I will defend as if they are objective truth.
• 17:46
  Eric: Uh and I think that's true for everyone with their PB and J.
• 17:48
  Eric: Like it there's no there's no logic.
• 17:52
  Eric: There's no it's there's no logic to a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
• 17:55
  Eric: I think there's some logic.
• 17:57
  Eric: There's some log well, there's some logic in the fashioning, but like in terms of tastes, like what you like in your like your options.
• 18:04
  Eric: That being said, mine are right, everyone else is a wrong answer.
• 18:07
  Matt: Yeah, let's get into it.
• 18:08
  Matt: Let's get into these so-called right answers.
• 18:10
  Matt: Go ahead, Eric.
• 18:11
  Matt: Walk me through.
• 18:12
  Eric: Let's start with bread.
• 18:12
  Eric: You're making a PBJ, it has to be it's like a it's like a good grilled cheese.
• 18:18
  Eric: Fucking simple, basic ass bread.
• 18:20
  Eric: If I'm talking white bread, like wonder bread.
• 18:24
  Matt: Eric, I'm jumping in.
• 18:24
  Matt: I'm jumping in.
• 18:26
  Eric: Tag in, tag in.
• 18:27
  Matt: You're absolutely correct.
• 18:28
  Matt: If you bring anything with the word grain to the table.
• 18:32
  Matt: Ew, fuck off.
• 18:33
  Matt: Get the fuck off of this breakfast lunch table.
• 18:36
  Matt: Ew.
• 18:37
  Matt: If it it needs to have the color of a uncrustable scene.
• 18:43
  Matt: Yes.
• 18:44
  Matt: It needs to be white.
• 18:45
  Matt: It needs to be white bread.
• 18:47
  Eric: Yeah.
• 18:47
  Matt: The white, like the whitest bread.
• 18:51
  Matt: Yes, the lamest looking sugary bread you can come up with.
• 18:55
  Eric: Bleached flour, like, yes.
• 18:57
  Eric: Wonder bread quality.
• 19:00
  Eric: Yes.
• 19:01
  Eric: Yes.
• 19:01
  Eric: Um, so that's that's first.
• 19:03
  Eric: Um with you.
• 19:05
  Eric: Second.
• 19:05
  Matt: I already know where we're gonna differ, but continue.
• 19:08
  Eric: Oh, oh, I I guarantee him to you I do as well.
• 19:11
  Eric: Um jelly.
• 19:12
  Matt: Now yeah, you do too, because you skipped it.
• 19:15
  Matt: Continue.
• 19:16
  Eric: Oh, we'll get it.
• 19:20
  Eric: Jelly, jelly, come on, jelly, jelly.
• 19:22
  Eric: Um, so so here's so here's my thing.
• 19:25
  Eric: Um, in the jelly camp, you're honestly, honestly, here's what my thing is.
• 19:30
  Eric: I don't where my strong opinion lies with jelly isn't so much whether it's grape or strawberry, it is that grape and strawberry are your only two options.
• 19:43
  Eric: You don't get like apricot jam up in this shit.
• 19:48
  Eric: It's not a peanut butter and a mermalade.
• 19:50
  Eric: No, no, no, no.
• 19:51
  Matt: You might have a nice sandwich.
• 19:53
  Matt: You might have a nice peanut butter and company sandwich.
• 19:56
  Eric: Yeah, you might have a nice peanut butter and raspberry reduction like compote sandwich, but don't call it a it's like when we talked about grilled cheeses, right?
• 20:07
  Matt: There's a place in this world for the fancy grilled cheese, and there's a place in this world for a PB and J, but it's not a PB and J if you have apricot jam in there.
• 20:17
  Matt: Get the fuck.
• 20:18
  Eric: I'm sure it's lit, like, don't just do the it's a principles thing.
• 20:24
  Matt: I think it's I think it's color-based, okay?
• 20:27
  Matt: I think if your jam jelly falls within the spectrum of red going on burgundy and unnaturally purple purple, you have a proper jam for your j for your jelly.
• 20:41
  Eric: That is your lane.
• 20:43
  Eric: Stay the fuck in it if you want on this PBNJ train.
• 20:46
  Eric: Fuck yeah.
• 20:48
  Eric: All right, we're we're pretty together so far.
• 20:50
  Eric: We're pretty together.
• 20:51
  Eric: So what do we got so far?
• 20:52
  Eric: We've got uh uh we've got the bread.
• 20:54
  Eric: We've got your cheap ass bread.
• 20:55
  Eric: Cheap ass bread.
• 20:56
  Eric: You get either grape or strawberry, jelly jam, whatever, as long as it's grape or strawberry, purple looking jelly substance.
• 21:02
  Eric: Oh wait, do you hear that?
• 21:05
  Eric: No, it's the elephant in the room.
• 21:07
  Eric: Uh peanut butter.
• 21:10
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 21:11
  Eric: All right.
• 21:12
  Eric: So you have two options, right?
• 21:14
  Eric: Pretty much.
• 21:15
  Eric: Your options are crunchy and wrong.
• 21:18
  Eric: Those are your options.
• 21:20
  Eric: Crunchy and wrong.
• 21:22
  Eric: Matt, I can't.
• 21:22
  Eric: Oh, I think my audio cut out.
• 21:24
  Eric: I can't hear you like I can't hear you like busting down my door to like now.
• 21:30
  Matt: I was just packing up because this podcast is over.
• 21:33
  Eric: Oh, Matt, this is gonna be what breaks us.
• 21:36
  Eric: Eric.
• 21:36
  Eric: You likes it.
• 21:39
  Matt: You load up your PBJ.
• 21:42
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 21:44
  Matt: With literally nutty nut butter with with obstacles.
• 21:50
  Matt: With obstacles?
• 21:51
  Matt: With the shit that the peanut butter is made of?
• 21:54
  Matt: Yeah, I don't want that in my peanut butter.
• 21:56
  Matt: It's like it's are you probably like texture, Matthew.
• 22:00
  Matt: You probably like extra pulp orange juice, don't you?
• 22:04
  Eric: Ooh, fuck no, I'm a fucking pulp man.
• 22:06
  Eric: You're a pulp man.
• 22:08
  Eric: I hate pulp.
• 22:09
  Eric: I love crunch.
• 22:10
  Eric: No, absolutely.
• 22:11
  Matt: My dad.
• 22:12
  Matt: Love me some.
• 22:12
  Matt: My dad.
• 22:13
  Matt: My dad'll get extra crunchy peanut butter.
• 22:15
  Eric: Yes, because your dad is an upstanding citizen of this country peanut butter.
• 22:21
  Matt: Just get a thing of planners and dump them in there if you love them so much.
• 22:24
  Matt: I want my peanuts wet.
• 22:26
  Matt: I'm sorry that I live a smooth life.
• 22:31
  Matt: I'm sorry that I'm smooth as silk, and everybody universally agrees get that.
• 22:37
  Matt: No.
• 22:38
  Matt: It's a fact that many women have told me over my life.
• 22:44
  Matt: It was so laughable we couldn't even get through the bit.
• 22:47
  Matt: No.
• 22:49
  Eric: So like I'm and and I, you know, no disrespect to the stuff.
• 22:53
  Eric: Everything else is smart.
• 22:55
  Eric: It's a milky bread.
• 22:56
  Matt: That's why you need to like wake it up.
• 23:00
  Matt: Absolutely not.
• 23:01
  Matt: That's why uncrustables got rid of the crust, so there'd be literally nothing stopping the sandwich from melting in your mouth.
• 23:08
  Matt: Oh my God.
• 23:12
  Matt: No, I'm sorry, Eric.
• 23:14
  Matt: I can't compromise on this.
• 23:16
  Eric: I can't compromise on sin.
• 23:18
  Eric: And that's this is what I mean.
• 23:20
  Eric: A PBJ is made of opinions.
• 23:23
  Eric: Like it is made.
• 23:25
  Matt: We are on the first question, and I'm sweaty.
• 23:27
  Eric: I am, I like, I am, I, I, I am sh I'm like shaking a little.
• 23:31
  Eric: It is an obstacle, Eric.
• 23:33
  Matt: You are biting into something.
• 23:34
  Matt: You get these crunches.
• 23:36
  Matt: Now I got a chew.
• 23:38
  Matt: Two different types of chewing going on.
• 23:40
  Matt: Two two different types of two different types of chewing.
• 23:44
  Matt: Two different types.
• 23:45
  unknown: Eric.
• 23:46
  Matt: Two different types of chewing.
• 23:46
  Matt: Eric, you were you were talking to somebody who, with at no less than once a day, will get a spoonful of creamy peanut butter and just put that spoon directly in my mouth.
• 23:57
  Matt: Bro, same, but not with that gross ass smooth shit.
• 24:02
  Matt: Eric, Eric, you tell Eric.
• 24:05
  Matt: Did you met Okay?
• 24:07
  Matt: I knew you were a crunchy person.
• 24:09
  Matt: I could tell.
• 24:10
  Matt: I could tell.
• 24:10
  Matt: Crunchy gang, rise up.
• 24:12
  Matt: Because you're wrong about a lot of things and I overlook it.
• 24:16
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 24:17
  Matt: That's fuck.
• 24:20
  Matt: But and I do that for the goodness of this friendship.
• 24:23
  Matt: Yeah.
• 24:24
  Eric: For this for this business that we have.
• 24:27
  Eric: Did you just like we're in church and I like fucking cut in line?
• 24:31
  Eric: You're like, I forgive you.
• 24:33
  Eric: What the fuck is that?
• 24:36
  Matt: Eric, Eric, no, I have forgiven you in the past tense.
• 24:42
  Matt: But this is a challenge that I can't overlook.
• 24:47
  Matt: Smooth-brained bastard.
• 24:49
  Matt: And what?
• 24:50
  Matt: Alright, now I I hasn't I hesitate to even ask.
• 24:53
  Matt: I'm a little afraid.
• 24:54
  Matt: When you go to get your crunchy peanut butter, yeah.
• 24:58
  Matt: Because look, I'm not saying I hate crunchy peanut butter.
• 25:02
  Matt: Okay.
• 25:02
  Matt: I've I've enjoyed a crunchy peanut butter.
• 25:04
  Eric: I'm not saying I hate smooth peanut butter.
• 25:07
  Eric: I don't know.
• 25:07
  Matt: You came out pretty hard against it.
• 25:09
  Eric: I uh Matt, you literally just had to explain to me that you forgive me my sins.
• 25:15
  Eric: Well, I forgot to forgave me.
• 25:17
  Eric: Sorry, forgave.
• 25:19
  Eric: You implicitly like side-stated that I have committed an unforgivable sin.
• 25:27
  Matt: Your other sins were forgivable.
• 25:28
  Matt: This one's a mortal one.
• 25:30
  Matt: It's right up there with murder.
• 25:32
  Eric: Murder.
• 25:33
  Eric: Fucking you know, it's murder tax evasion.
• 25:37
  Eric: I don't, I'm sure there's like uh now.
• 25:40
  Matt: Listen, here's what I want to get to.
• 25:43
  Matt: Because I we're not gonna find a compromise here.
• 25:45
  Eric: Oh no, we're I think honestly, I think that's what helps us here.
• 25:48
  Eric: It's such an extreme that we have to sit it in the corner and let that festa.
• 25:55
  Matt: There is no bridge across this divide.
• 25:57
  Matt: No for anyone because there's gonna be people, there's gonna be people listening who are smooth, cool people like me.
• 26:04
  Matt: And there are people mixed up assholes like you.
• 26:07
  Eric: And like in that same token, they're gonna be like bold, brave, adventurous, crunchy gang, rise up, gang, gang, gang, gang.
• 26:16
  Eric: But and then there's going to be wrong people, stupid and wrong people, stupid assholes, I like to call them.
• 26:22
  Matt: All right, so let's get uh here's here's where I want to know where we stand.
• 26:25
  Matt: This is this is gonna be the real test.
• 26:27
  Eric: Yeah, this is the olive branch of the olive branch of another subject.
• 26:31
  Eric: This is no, it's the same subject in a way.
• 26:33
  Matt: Oh, so I I I am never gonna get you to do say you the correct answer is creamy on a PBJ.
• 26:40
  Matt: You are never gonna get me to say the crunchy is the correct.
• 26:42
  Matt: Yeah.
• 26:42
  Matt: We know this.
• 26:43
  Matt: We know this.
• 26:44
  Matt: But what we can agree with, I think, Eric, is the brand of peanut butter because I feel very strongly, very strongly, that there is a first choice of peanut butter in terms of the mass of produced peanut butter.
• 27:04
  Matt: Amount I get, quality that I get.
• 27:07
  Matt: Okay, yeah, sure.
• 27:08
  Matt: We can talk about amount for sure.
• 27:10
  Matt: But I'm talking about the brand first.
• 27:13
  Eric: Okay.
• 27:13
  Matt: When you go to select your brand of peanut butter, I feel very strongly there is one choice.
• 27:19
  Matt: There's one top shelf.
• 27:21
  Matt: Okay, there are a couple of secondary shelves, and then there are rail peanut butters.
• 27:26
  Eric: There are rail peanut butters.
• 27:28
  Matt: Then there are just the rails.
• 27:31
  Matt: And I mean, this is like a pyramid.
• 27:32
  Matt: There is a king, there are a couple of second-in-commands, and then there's the shit pile.
• 27:38
  Eric: Yep.
• 27:39
  Eric: Well, Matt, let me let me tell you, let me just make it clear.
• 27:41
  Eric: Let me let me just tell you where I lie.
• 27:43
  Eric: Because I'm I don't even want you to prime the pond.
• 27:45
  Eric: I don't want people to even suspect that you have tried to like because we both know.
• 27:50
  Eric: So when I'm in the peanut butter aisle, I'm reaching toward Peter Pan just so I can go right past it because moms choose Jif.
• 28:00
  Matt: Moms choose Jeff.
• 28:02
  Matt: And Eric, I want you to know I want you to know when you said I reached toward Peter Pan.
• 28:09
  Eric: I could feel the temperature drop in your room.
• 28:12
  Matt: Scott, goosebumps.
• 28:14
  Matt: I was a because you trembling.
• 28:17
  Matt: Because I am afraid of anyone who chooses willingly the rail peanut butter that is Peter Pan.
• 28:25
  Eric: Red flag.
• 28:26
  Eric: If they tell there's nothing wrong with eating Peter Pan in a pinch, and that's the only option.
• 28:32
  Eric: Like, I don't know.
• 28:33
  Eric: But if someone's like, oh, my favorite's Peter Pan, red flag.
• 28:38
  Matt: Well, I guess call me a parent because choosy moms and choosy dads choose Jeff, and everything else is below that.
• 28:46
  Matt: And I will say, because I know there's probably this population of people out there, I mean, maybe we're not wide enough to capture the four people that pro that prefer Skippy.
• 28:57
  Matt: Skippy is on the second rail.
• 28:58
  Eric: Yeah, Skippy.
• 28:59
  Eric: There Skippy ain't nothing wrong with Skippy.
• 29:02
  Matt: Ain't nothing wrong with Skippy.
• 29:03
  Matt: Well, unless we're talking about Star Fox.
• 29:05
  Matt: But otherwise, talking about Star Fox, there's a couple of problems with Skippy.
• 29:10
  Matt: But otherwise, Skippy Peanut Butter, I'll t I'll take it.
• 29:15
  Eric: I'll t I'll take it.
• 29:16
  Eric: I'll take it.
• 29:17
  Matt: I won't choose it.
• 29:18
  Matt: I won't choose it.
• 29:19
  Matt: I'll take it.
• 29:20
  Matt: If I'm at a person's house and they're like, hey, you want a PB and J, and they present a crunchy or smooth version of JIF.
• 29:27
  Matt: I'm I'm fine.
• 29:27
  Matt: I'm good to go.
• 29:28
  Matt: You do the same thing with Skippy.
• 29:30
  Matt: I'm like, oh man, they guess they didn't have Jif at the store.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have Jif.
• 29:34
  Matt: If you come out with Peter Pan, I'll say, Oh, you know what?
• 29:38
  Matt: Actually, I have a nut allergy.
• 29:39
  Eric: You gotta go.
• 29:42
  Eric: Oh, just remember.
• 29:43
  Eric: I just developed it.
• 29:44
  Eric: Yeah.
• 29:45
  Eric: Uh when they they pull out the Peter Pan, I have to like take them aside.
• 29:50
  Eric: I'm like, hey, you doing okay?
• 29:51
  Matt: Because you're a lost boy.
• 29:53
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 29:54
  Matt: That is so good for also tasting like nothing.
• 29:57
  Eric: It's like the fucking um malted milk.
• 30:00
  Eric: The malted milk, except this one has some conviction.
• 30:03
  Eric: Yeah, this one's this one, uh, yes, this one believes in itself.
• 30:06
  Eric: This one will tell you who we voted for.
• 30:08
  Matt: This this one's Colin.
• 30:09
  Matt: This one's campaign.
• 30:10
  Matt: You asked.
• 30:11
  Matt: Yeah, this one's vote for it in Bernie.
• 30:15
  Matt: This is a Bernie cookie, right?
• 30:16
  Matt: The Bernie cookie.
• 30:17
  Matt: Bernie eats this cookie.
• 30:18
  Matt: This is a Bernie cookie.
• 30:20
  Matt: This is the only cookie Bernie can eat.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm going to drink tea and I'm going to dip my biscuit in that tea.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_00: My doctor makes me have this tea, okay?
• 30:30
  Matt: I have to have this tea and I have to have this flavorless biscuit.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: Billionaires have taken all the biscuits while we fight over the crumbs.
• 30:37
  Matt: That's a really good verse.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_04: Senator Sanders, please, if you ever listen to this, please.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_04: We would love to interview you.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_04: We would love to do that.
• 30:44
  Matt: I would love to interview you, Uncle Bernie.
• 30:46
  Matt: Bernie, you can be on the podcast any day.
• 30:48
  Matt: Um open invitation.
• 30:51
  Matt: Yes.
• 30:51
  Matt: And I do think it is the responsibility.
• 30:55
  Matt: If there, if we're going with the theory that there are four passengers in this car, there has to be some duties of the two people in the back seat.
• 31:04
  Matt: And I think one of them is the snack person, but that's not a dual duty.
• 31:08
  Matt: So that leaves one person that we haven't even touched.
• 31:10
  Matt: And I think there is an important role for that third backseat person.
• 31:14
  Eric: I think I know where you're going.
• 31:16
  Eric: Let's find out.
• 31:17
  Matt: I think that third person, there are two things I think there are two things required of the back seat people in a four-passenger scenario.
• 31:25
  Matt: Yeah.
• 31:26
  Matt: The people in the backseat are responsible for two things primarily, I'd say.
• 31:30
  Matt: The first being pointing out shit.
• 31:33
  unknown: Yeah.
• 31:34
  Eric: Oh, pointing out funny shit, pointing out interesting shit.
• 31:37
  Matt: If you're calling out license plate, if you're doing the license plate game, you're in full effect.
• 31:41
  Eric: Classic.
• 31:42
  Eric: Yeah.
• 31:42
  Matt: You're in full fucking effect.
• 31:44
  Matt: They're they're there.
• 31:45
  Matt: The backseater, they gotta keep the party going.
• 31:47
  Matt: They got to keep the party.
• 31:48
  Matt: They gotta keep the party going.
• 31:51
  Matt: They're the arbiters of fun.
• 31:52
  Matt: They are the arbiters of fun.
• 31:54
  Matt: They are the who wants a snack, who wants pretzels.
• 31:58
  Matt: Yes.
• 31:58
  Matt: You know, they're that person.
• 32:00
  Matt: But, but I that's a shared duty.
• 32:02
  Eric: That's a shared duty.
• 32:03
  Matt: If there's a four-person scenario and there we've we've still got a fourth person who has no primary duty, and I feel that it is the role of that primary duty.
• 32:15
  Matt: To what level you want to take it, is up to you.
• 32:20
  Matt: It's up to the person.
• 32:22
  Matt: You have to read the room.
• 32:24
  Eric: I I got it.
• 32:25
  Matt: And by read the room, I mean read your driver.
• 32:31
  Matt: Because it is your responsibility, my friend.
• 32:34
  Eric: Send me home, Matt.
• 32:35
  Matt: To every now and then throw out some biting criticisms.
• 32:42
  Eric: That is actually not what I thought you were gonna say.
• 32:45
  Matt: Oh no, really?
• 32:46
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 32:47
  Matt: I mean I mean not necessarily criticisms of what?
• 32:51
  Matt: Now I'm fascinated.
• 32:52
  Matt: Driving.
• 32:53
  Matt: Not and of their driving?
• 32:55
  Matt: Not necessarily hardcore things.
• 32:58
  Matt: Like, for example, we have a long-running joke in my family of whenever my dad parks anywhere.
• 33:08
  Matt: Yeah.
• 33:08
  Matt: Anywhere, anytime.
• 33:10
  Matt: And I mean every time.
• 33:12
  Matt: Yep.
• 33:13
  Matt: Some it is the responsibility of someone, if not all of the people in the car to go, this is the spot.
• 33:22
  Eric: Okay.
• 33:23
  Eric: That kind of criticism.
• 33:24
  Eric: Yeah.
• 33:24
  Eric: Right.
• 33:24
  Eric: Yeah.
• 33:25
  Eric: Okay.
• 33:25
  Eric: That kind of criticism.
• 33:26
  Eric: 100% on board.
• 33:27
  Matt: I not like hardcore mansplain-y, like, oh, you really want to be in the left lane.
• 33:32
  Matt: But none of that shit.
• 33:33
  Matt: Just every now and then throwing out like a you want to spend any more time in this truck's blind spot?
• 33:40
  Matt: Or and you can't do it often.
• 33:44
  Matt: Like you can't be an ass.
• 33:46
  Matt: No.
• 33:46
  Matt: I'm just saying, every now and then, when you see the pitch, you swing.
• 33:51
  Matt: You know what I'm saying?
• 33:52
  Eric: Yeah, oh, okay, yeah.
• 33:53
  Eric: A little, a little healthy razzing, but here's the thing.
• 33:55
  Eric: When we growing up, I knew I became a man when I knew I could do that to my parents.
• 34:01
  Eric: Yes.
• 34:02
  Eric: Do you know what I mean?
• 34:02
  Eric: Yes.
• 34:03
  Eric: And that's what you mean you've got to read.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_00: Children as children.
• 34:06
  Eric: No, no, no.
• 34:07
  Matt: You can't do this.
• 34:07
  Matt: Children.
• 34:08
  Matt: Although, can you imagine?
• 34:10
  Matt: Can you imagine the hilarity of a seven-year-old saying all the things I just said?
• 34:15
  Matt: This is the spot.
• 34:17
  Matt: God, that's funny as shit.
• 34:19
  Eric: Imagine little Matt with the beard.
• 34:23
  Eric: This is the spot.
• 34:24
  Eric: Okay.
• 34:25
  Eric: This is the my personal favorite Raz is wow.
• 34:28
  Eric: Like, because my dad, my dad lives in eternal fucking terror.
• 34:34
  Eric: That if he parks anywhere close to the entrance of a place, that like vandals are gonna come.
• 34:40
  Eric: Like everyone, like, oh no, they're gonna bang into our door.
• 34:42
  Eric: Like, so like my favorite, like, we get out, like, gee, dad, think I can see the fucking Walmart from here.
• 34:47
  Eric: Nice.
• 34:47
  Eric: I think like, oh yeah, I think what the way off in the distance at the place we were going.
• 34:52
  Eric: Got him.
• 34:54
  Eric: All right.
• 34:54
  Eric: I have to know.
• 34:55
  Matt: I have to know.
• 34:56
  Matt: What did you think I was gonna say?
• 34:58
  Matt: Okay, because I might also believe it.
• 35:00
  Eric: Okay, it is a four now.
• 35:02
  Eric: Here's the thing.
• 35:03
  Eric: I want to be so clear that this can never be an explicitly stated responsibility.
• 35:10
  Matt: Yes, and that's what I mean about the criticisms as well.
• 35:13
  Eric: So same family.
• 35:14
  Eric: Can never be explicitly stated, but if you're if you're in a four-person car, yeah, and you're friends, like you were you're with your family or you were with friends.
• 35:25
  Matt: If you don't know the driver, none of what I just said is applicable.
• 35:29
  Matt: Also true for what I'm about to say.
• 35:31
  Matt: If you are a guest, everything I just described was when you're in deep with everyone in the car.
• 35:38
  Matt: You're with the fam.
• 35:39
  Matt: The jokester is in the back seat, is what I'm trying to say.
• 35:42
  Matt: 100%.
• 35:44
  Eric: But I feel like if you're in the back seat and and you're of the age to do so, and again, this is not an explicit thing, but it is it is your ethical and moral responsibility to every now and then again lean up and go, hey, hey, if you need a break, I can drive.
• 36:07
  Eric: Do you know what I mean?
• 36:08
  Eric: Do you know what I mean though?
• 36:09
  Eric: Sure.
• 36:10
  Eric: Like, you you gotta alright, hey, if you need a break from driving, like I can we can pull over.
• 36:14
  Matt: Yeah, you gotta make the offer no one will ever accept.
• 36:18
  Eric: Yes, correct.
• 36:20
  Eric: No one will ever like unless it's your sp your partner or your spouse, at which point I do expect like, okay, I need you to drive.
• 36:26
  Eric: And but like, yes, if it if it's your friend, like they they it's and I think it's like some do it's like dueling etiquette at that point.
• 36:35
  Matt: I think that becomes even funnier if it's wrapped up in the same body that's doing all the shit I just said.
• 36:42
  Matt: If if you're throwing out these light criticisms of like, you know, you're not supposed to be on the white line, you know.
• 36:49
  Eric: Good cop, bad coping the driver, like, oh wow, really?
• 36:53
  Matt: But what I think what I'm really because I don't what I'm not I'm truly not trying to say or advocate for actual backseat driving.
• 37:01
  Matt: No, I just fuck that fuck them.
• 37:04
  Matt: I think someone in the backseat's gotta be the comic relief.
• 37:08
  Matt: A healthy rat, especially like and I love your bit of popping up to the front seat because that is something.
• 37:15
  Matt: Here's a bit leaning in.
• 37:17
  Matt: This is a bit I have done since I was a child, and I continue to do I'm go I am going on a road trip with my parents this weekend, and I probably will do this.
• 37:26
  Matt: Yeah, I enjoy from time to time, at some point in the road trip, taking off my shoe, taking off my sock, and without warning, in the mid in the median between my parents, sticking my bare foot up there and acting like it's a puppet, and be like, what's going on up here?
• 37:47
  Matt: I have done this since I was like seven.
• 37:49
  Matt: Are you the Sumerian trickster god that sent me to East End?
• 37:53
  Eric: I might have that is some, that is some it's some of my best work.
• 37:57
  Eric: I'm actually gonna say, I am shocked.
• 37:59
  Eric: This is some this is where your wild card shit comes into play.
• 38:03
  Matt: This is a bit I have kept going my whole life.
• 38:05
  Matt: I feel like, Matt, you are so like, and my dad, my dad fucking hates it.
• 38:12
  Matt: It's never not funny how much my dad fucking hates it.
• 38:17
  Matt: It's it that's why I keep doing it.
• 38:19
  Matt: He's always and he's always surprised.
• 38:20
  Matt: He's always like, what the fuck are you doing?
• 38:23
  Matt: Like it's so funny.
• 38:26
  Eric: Good God.
• 38:27
  Eric: This is your hidden room.
• 38:29
  Eric: This is the car is like your hidden chain.
• 38:32
  Eric: It is where you get to unleash the beast.
• 38:36
  Eric: It's where I come alive.
• 38:38
  Eric: You're you're like, let me put on my music and put on a puppet show for me.
• 38:43
  Matt: But it's not a puppet show, it's just my dirty foot.
• 38:47
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 38:48
  Eric: What if if all nurserhymes.com is to be believed.
• 38:53
  Eric: I think it must be.
• 38:56
  Eric: Oh.
• 38:57
  Eric: I'm gonna hit you with these.
• 38:58
  Eric: Please do.
• 38:59
  Eric: And they I'm gonna say they introduce a lot of interesting elements, namely phrasing, but like, so let's let's get into it.
• 39:07
  Eric: There's goes, you know, fuzzy wuzzy was a bear, fuzzy wuzzy had no hair.
• 39:11
  Eric: Class.
• 39:12
  Eric: Fuzzy wuzzy, and this is where they diverge from the timeline.
• 39:15
  Eric: Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy.
• 39:18
  Eric: No, by gosh, he wasn't, was he?
• 39:21
  Eric: Okay, so they just added some words, they just wordsmithed it.
• 39:25
  Eric: Then we you'd think like the next because I yeah, I was thinking like, oh, if they extended the lyrics, surely they give fuzzy wuzzy like more of a story.
• 39:34
  Eric: And like at least a second verse.
• 39:35
  Eric: Like a second verse, we learn, nope, fuck him.
• 39:38
  Eric: We're done with him.
• 39:39
  Eric: You just that's first verse shit.
• 39:41
  Eric: Okay.
• 39:41
  Eric: Second verse, silly willy was a worm.
• 39:44
  Eric: Who the fuck is silly willy?
• 39:46
  Eric: Silly Willy wouldn't squirm.
• 39:49
  Eric: Silly Willy wasn't silly.
• 39:52
  Eric: No, by gosh, he wasn't really.
• 39:55
  Eric: Also, that's just a rhyme.
• 39:57
  Eric: Near rhyme.
• 39:58
  Eric: It's not even near.
• 39:59
  Eric: That's not even real.
• 40:00
  Eric: It's not, I would never count that.
• 40:02
  Matt: There's just two L's.
• 40:03
  Eric: A worm squirming isn't silly.
• 40:07
  Eric: That is very stand.
• 40:09
  Eric: In fact, it's more silly that he's not, then how is he moving?
• 40:13
  Eric: If he's not squilly, he's rolling.
• 40:15
  Matt: It'd be silly if he was hopping along like tigger.
• 40:18
  Eric: Yeah.
• 40:18
  Matt: That'd be a silly word.
• 40:20
  Eric: That'd be silly.
• 40:20
  Eric: He is being because like the only thing This worm's just being a worm.
• 40:24
  Eric: Well, this worm, no, he's not being a worm because he won't squirm.
• 40:27
  Eric: That's how they mean he's dead.
• 40:29
  Eric: Silly lady is dead.
• 40:30
  Eric: You're mocking a corpse.
• 40:32
  Eric: He's either dead or he's like the worm equivalent of paralyzed.
• 40:37
  Eric: Like, you know what I mean?
• 40:38
  Eric: Like, he just I I think he he either just has to kind of let gravity roll sideways, or he has to be carried by the other worms.
• 40:47
  Eric: Either way, worm villain origin story.
• 40:51
  Matt: Yeah, I mean very much.
• 40:53
  Matt: But also, I hate to, I hate to I don't want to do this necessarily, but who cares about silly Willy?
• 40:59
  Matt: We're here for fuzzy wuzzy.
• 41:01
  Matt: Why we switching why we switching focus?
• 41:03
  Matt: Is there a third verse about Oh, there is, and you better believe it's not about either that worm or that bear.
• 41:10
  Matt: Who's this one about?
• 41:11
  Eric: Freaky Dickie?
• 41:15
  Eric: Itty Biddy was a mouse.
• 41:18
  Eric: Itty biddy was a mouse.
• 41:20
  Eric: Itty biddy had no spouse.
• 41:23
  Eric: Oh, come on.
• 41:25
  Eric: Itty biddy wasn't pretty.
• 41:27
  Eric: Oh by gosh, it was a pity.
• 41:29
  Matt: Don't be shaming itty biddy for being an ugly ass rat.
• 41:34
  Matt: He's not a mouse.
• 41:35
  Matt: I know that right off the bat.
• 41:36
  Eric: So now we've got the incel mouse.
• 41:41
  Eric: Also, if you've seen like or villain origin story.
• 41:45
  Eric: Village and Origin story.
• 41:47
  Matt: What were those words that just emerged from your face?
• 41:50
  Matt: It's the all the ice cream I made.
• 41:52
  Matt: It's just gotten in my head.
• 41:54
  Eric: And then, Matt, there is a final, a final uh stanza which goes Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, fuzzy wuzzy had no hair, fuzzy wuzzy wasn't fuzzy.
• 42:07
  Eric: No, this is wild, and this is I am I want you to no, I'm reading this straight from the website.
• 42:12
  Eric: No, by God, he wasn't, waszy.
• 42:17
  unknown: No, by God.
• 42:18
  Eric: They've been doing gosh the entire time, and now they went hard in, and now it all Well, it's the finale, Eric.
• 42:25
  Eric: You gotta up the stakes.
• 42:27
  Eric: Like, what was I supposed to have taken from any of this?
• 42:33
  Eric: God only knows.
• 42:34
  Eric: Like, apparently.
• 42:37
  Eric: Like, that is the We're talking about his creations.
• 42:40
  Eric: The moral seems to be here that only only Yahweh can know the truth of fuzzy wuzzy having no hair, sadly having mysteries.
• 42:50
  Matt: So, like, this is now now the no spouse is still like this is that seems so specific.
• 42:56
  Matt: This is this is how you create a domestic terrorist by making fun of a spouseless person, an ugly spouseless person.
• 43:05
  Eric: Ugly mouse.
• 43:08
  Eric: Like, yeah, what if any bitty was just like asexual or something?
• 43:11
  Eric: What if any bitty didn't like want to do it?
• 43:13
  Eric: Like, we don't mind anything about that.
• 43:15
  Eric: That's what makes me so angry.
• 43:16
  Eric: Like, we're given, like, oh, they don't have a spouse.
• 43:18
  Eric: Shouldn't you pity them?
• 43:19
  Eric: Like, I don't know, I don't know their situation, dude.
• 43:21
  Eric: I'm just feeling I just have a feeling maybe they're happy, maybe they're living their best life.
• 43:27
  Eric: Also, this nursery where I'm making very like uh subjective opinions about Mouse.
• 43:33
  Eric: Like, who are you person to call this mouse not pretty?
• 43:36
  Matt: This mouse is beautiful.
• 43:38
  Matt: He's beautiful, maybe he's just living his life, and here you are.
• 43:42
  Matt: She they like that we don't know anything, we don't know anything about this person's disposition.
• 43:48
  Matt: This this mouse might be completely asexual, have no attraction to anybody, and here's living their best life.
• 43:56
  Matt: And instead, you instead of living their best life, you have turned them, you've turned the switch on inside of them to of this inner rage, this inner anxiety, and now itty bitty is gonna become Templeton from Charlotte's Webb.
• 44:11
  Matt: That's what's gonna happen.
• 44:12
  Eric: You've created Templeton.
• 44:13
  Eric: You created Templeton.
• 44:15
  Eric: I hope you're fucking happy.
• 44:16
  Matt: I hope you're happy, because Templeton, as we all know, and I can I think we I think we can all agree Templeton is a fucking douche.
• 44:23
  Matt: But we don't know what made him that way.
• 44:25
  Matt: We don't know what made him that way, do we?
• 44:27
  Matt: By God.
• 44:28
  Matt: He wasn't born into douchinish.
• 44:30
  Matt: By God turned into Sean Connery.
• 44:34
  Matt: And take a closer look at that ticket.
• 44:36
  Matt: And we discover that not only have we been upgraded to business class, but in fact, we have been placed in the legendary, the illustrious quiet car.
• 44:51
  Matt: What I've heard so much tell.
• 44:54
  Matt: So the legend.
• 44:56
  Matt: The legend.
• 44:56
  Matt: Oh, the stories true.
• 44:59
  Matt: Let me tell you something.
• 45:00
  Eric: Yeah.
• 45:00
  Matt: The stories are true.
• 45:01
  Matt: So we get so we get on the train and we find our seats amongst the quiet.
• 45:06
  Matt: And, you know, we sit down and the we, you know, we start our journey, and very, you know, immediately you notice that people are just like, hey, can you do that?
• 45:18
  Matt: You know, like very everything's hushed.
• 45:20
  Matt: You almost feel like you can't talk, like you shouldn't even whisper.
• 45:24
  Matt: So, you know, we're we're we're rolling right along on the train, you see.
• 45:31
  Matt: And it's it's very nice.
• 45:33
  Matt: I got my book out, I'm reading this, and you know, it's probably like seven minutes into this train ride when some people come on board uh at like another stop, they sit in like the back couple seats of the quiet car, and they're just like laughing, they're just having a good time.
• 45:53
  Matt: And I, who have never been on an Amtrak before, let alone the quiet car, turn to Lindsay and say, Some people have no respect for the quiet car community.
• 46:07
  Eric: So wait, so Matt, just so I understand this, the story, the story of how adaptable you are, yeah, was that you got upgraded tickets to a better car.
• 46:19
  Eric: Yes, and then got to judge people who didn't know how the car worked.
• 46:23
  Matt: You got it.
• 46:24
  Matt: Yeah.
• 46:26
  Matt: Got another one.
• 46:28
  Matt: Yeah.
• 46:28
  Matt: Oh shit.
• 46:29
  Matt: So what I what I'm saying is I'm flexible.
• 46:31
  Matt: You're so Matthew can I'm adaptable, baby.
• 46:36
  Eric: I don't want to say brave, but brave thing we might have.