Latest / No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women / Rescuing Yourself: Breaking the Firstborn Daughter Cycle

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Rescuing Yourself: Breaking the Firstborn Daughter Cycle · No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women

0:05
Mary: Welcome to no Shrinking Violence.
0:07
Mary: I'm your host, mary Rothwell, licensed therapist and certified integrative mental health practitioner.
0:13
Mary: I've created a space where we celebrate the intuition and power of women who want to break free from limiting narratives.
0:20
Mary: We'll explore all realms of wellness what it means to take up space unapologetically, and how your essential nature is key to living life on your terms.
0:29
Mary: It's time to own your space, trust your nature and flourish.
0:34
Mary: Let's dive in.
0:35
Mary: Hey, violets, welcome to the show.
0:42
Mary: One of the most prevalent issues I encountered in my work with college students was their need to navigate, usually for the first time, a world where they could truly make their own choices.
0:51
Mary: Many of them, especially international students, were navigating their first steps in a world with lots of options and potential paths to their future, while still recognizing that their parents had expectations that my students sometimes felt limited.
1:06
Mary: Their options or, if they followed their hearts whether it be in choice of major or even something as simple as how often they traveled back home they faced the agony of knowing their parents would be disappointed.
1:18
Mary: My discussion around these issues happened most often with my female students.
1:22
Mary: These issues happened most often with my female students.
1:27
Mary: Often they were first gen, meaning the first person in their family to attend college, or they were the oldest child.
1:30
Mary: But even female students outside of either of these categories felt unique pressures to succeed that hit them differently than many of my male students.
1:38
Mary: They worried about younger siblings left at home, missing them, especially in homes where parents tended to be more absent or where the oldest daughter was expected to assume much of the caretaking.
1:50
Mary: The journey into college, while perhaps the perfect chance to spread her wings and chart her own course, often felt conflicted and full of guilt.
1:58
Mary: When I read through the information on my guest today, one of the first things I recognized was the first daughter pressure she navigated.
2:06
Mary: Born in Nigeria, she moved to London with her family at the tender age of six after her family's fortunes changed and from there her early life was characterized by the burden of making choices based on what was best for her family.
2:21
Mary: Adaku Mbagwu is not just a coach.
2:24
Mary: She is a movement, a Tulum-based transformational guide.
2:28
Mary: Adaku built a seven-figure recruitment business, battled depression, survived a suicide attempt and emerged on the other side through deep inner healing.
2:37
Mary: As the eldest daughter of seven children, she spent much of her life over-functioning, over-delivering and feeling unseen, until she broke the cycle.
2:46
Mary: Today she's the founder of Healed Hero, a global community for high-performing first-born daughters who are ready to stop carrying everyone else and start living for themselves.
2:57
Mary: Known as the first daughter coach, adaku is on a mission to help women finally feel what it's like to be held, seen and at peace.
3:05
Mary: Welcome to no Shrinking Violets A Daku.
3:09
Adaku: Thank you so much for having me.
3:10
Adaku: I love that intro.
3:12
Mary: Thank you.
3:13
Mary: Okay, so I wondered if we might be able to start with what I call your story of light bulb moments.
3:19
Mary: So I think we all have sort of these moments in our life where it's like we took a snapshot and we realized it was like a defining moment.
3:28
Mary: I feel like you had a lot of them.
3:30
Mary: So when you think about your life, what things do you feel like really stand out, that were the events that kind of shaped who you are?
3:40
Adaku: I am.
3:41
Adaku: I think the very first memory I have was after I moved to the UK.
3:47
Adaku: It seemed like we had quite a cushy life in Nigeria, and in the UK things just got really bad.
3:53
Adaku: So my mom was a supply teacher.
3:56
Adaku: She didn't have the qualifications to be a full-time teacher, so when she would work there was money, when she wouldn't work she'd live on credit cards and that ended up catching up on her.
4:07
Adaku: And my childhood memories are like bay leaves, these big, bad, aggressive men knocking on our doors and taking all of our stuff.
4:16
Adaku: So we grew up in this kind of shell of an apartment that didn't have any furniture and we'd go without food for days at a time and without any electricity and we had to wear our outdoor jackets inside.
4:29
Adaku: And I remember a specific moment when I was following my mom to go grocery shopping and we were walking to an area called Wood Green where all the shops were, and it was raining really, really badly and we both had umbrellas and it was one of those days where it was just pointless to have the umbrella because you'd like push against the rain and the wind would like wash it up, and so we kept kind of trying to get the wind to keep the umbrella down, and then I realized that my mom wasn't close.
4:58
Adaku: So I looked back to see what had happened and I remember her stopping to lift up her sock, which had fallen through a hole in her shoe, and it was just drenched.
5:08
Adaku: And I just remember my heart breaking and being like I have to do something to help my mom and help my family.
5:14
Adaku: I think that was very pivotal because I think that's when I kind of like signed away my childhood and kind of took on this parentified role and my brain was all focused on what can I do to make money?
5:27
Adaku: Do I need?
5:28
Adaku: How can I help mom?
5:29
Adaku: And it just that kind of shaped the years that would follow.
5:32
Adaku: So that was the first fundamental aha moment that stood out.
5:37
Adaku: And then I had many of those along the way.
5:40
Adaku: And then in my twenties was when I hit rock bottom.
5:43
Adaku: And then those aha moments that I changed it and I was like, oh, was when I hit rock bottom.
5:45
Adaku: And then those are how moments I change it and I was like, oh, those decisions haven't really served me well and I need to start taking on new beliefs.
5:52
Adaku: I can share those, but yeah, I don't want to talk your ear off.
5:55
Mary: Oh no, no, that that's why you're here to talk.
5:58
Mary: But so what occurred to me when you just talked about that moment is, as you sort of had this recognition, and I really believe we are two things we are obviously how we're wired and we are what happens to us, and so I think and I don't know if this is more endemic to sort of women but we are wired more to be the caretakers right To naturally fall into that role, caretakers right to naturally fall into that role.
6:28
Mary: So you sort of I feel like leaned in a direction of like, okay, I need to take responsibility.
6:30
Mary: I know you did some things at a very young age just to bring more money, simple things, right, but to bring more money into the house.
6:37
Mary: What was your mom's message Like when you sort of took this on?
6:41
Mary: Did she recognize what you were doing?
6:44
Adaku: That's an interesting question.
6:46
Adaku: So she didn't say anything to me at the time when I was young, but I would have aunties and uncles say so.
6:54
Adaku: In our culture in Nigeria, every firstborn daughter is given the name that begins with ADA.
7:00
Adaku: It means firstborn girl, the family, and then the last part of the name is different.
7:03
Adaku: So my inside, dad Kuu, which means firstborn girl, the family, and then the last part of the name is different.
7:07
Adaku: So my inside, are cool, which means firstborn daughter of wealth.
7:10
Adaku: But they would always say like, oh, you're helping your mom, like you should, you're supposed to.
7:13
Adaku: Even when I was depressed and, um, struggling with that, I remember my grandma phoning me and was like just pray, because your mom needs you.
7:22
Adaku: And I was like I'm struggling and you cut like you're telling me, like I need to just pray because your mom needs you.
7:25
Adaku: And I was like I'm struggling and you cut like you're telling me, like I need to just get over it so that I can.
7:28
Adaku: So I think there was this kind of underlying expectation and my mom, she didn't tell me I had to, but she didn't tell me not to.
7:36
Adaku: So, um, when I was working out of depression and started working with a coach and healing some of these beliefs that I had that were causing me a lot of stress.
7:49
Adaku: I ended up having a conversation with her because leading up to that, I was very resentful to her, very angry, and I felt like I needed her to apologize.
7:57
Adaku: And then I had a moment where I was just like actually I'm kind of grateful that I had those circumstances because I like who I've become and I wouldn't have come that way without her.
8:07
Adaku: So I told her and I was like you know, I'm sorry that I've been like blaming you and we we both had our parts at play and I just want to say that I'm grateful for you and the circumstances because of who I came.
8:19
Adaku: That's when she felt, I guess, safe enough to apologize and she actually said to me I'm sorry, I didn't nurture you.
8:29
Adaku: I was scared to be a mother to you because you were helping me so much that I thought that if I mothered you you would stop.
8:34
Adaku: So I think that's what I felt in terms of the expectation, and I guess the backlash on me is that I felt like she loved my siblings more than she loves me, because I would observe her being nurturing and loving to them and she wasn't being nurturing.
8:48
Adaku: So that was the first time I got the insight into oh so you knew you weren't mothering me and it was like an intentional thing because you're like she's being so helpful that I don't want to show her love or show her nurture.
9:01
Adaku: So, um, yeah, so explicitly while I was growing up.
9:05
Adaku: No, she didn't say anything, but it was kind of felt and, yeah, I kind of felt like I was a live in ATM and kind of work workhorse was my experience.
9:16
Mary: Yeah, and it sounds like you sort of had this instinct inside, like this, like there's something wrong here, like, and the overwhelm.
9:25
Mary: But you push that aside because you were getting these messages of, yeah, keep doing more of what you're doing, like take care of your mom, I think it was more than that.
9:36
Adaku: I think that that played a part.
9:38
Adaku: But also as a child, I wanted to be loved.
9:41
Adaku: So I thought, okay, I'm doing all of these things and she's not loving me.
9:44
Adaku: Maybe if I do more.
9:45
Adaku: So then that put me on this like no-win vicious cycle of trying to take on more and more and more with the hopes that I'll finally get love from my mom in the way that she shows it to everyone else.
9:57
Adaku: And obviously, the more I did, the more she thought okay, it's working me not showing her love, so I'm going to not show her love.
10:03
Adaku: So, yeah, I think the child in me was craving this care and love and nurture from my mom that I wasn't getting, and I was trying to be the good and perfect child with the hopes that the reward will be a mother's love.
10:19
Mary: So yeah, Isn't it funny how we set up this in our mind, this equation of earning.
10:25
Mary: We have to earn it, earn the love.
10:28
Adaku: Yeah, yeah, it completely killed me.
10:31
Adaku: And now that I work with firstborn daughters it's so interesting how it's like the fundamental pattern.
10:38
Adaku: It's like I have to try hard, I have to work hard to prove why I'm lovable.
10:42
Adaku: It's like, no, you're inherently lovable, you know it's.
10:47
Adaku: Yeah, it's interesting to kind of feel like love is transactional.
10:52
Adaku: The more I do, the more I should receive it back rather than no, I just love you because I love you, Mm-hmm.
11:00
Mary: Because typically, when it comes to someone in your situation and everyone's a little bit different, but I think what forms that you're not keeping score Right, if anything, you're always feeling the deficit, so you're working harder and then the other side of the equation is just not.
11:16
Adaku: It's never going to add up there was a lot of resentment there and like, um, especially when the tipping scale happened and depression hit, there was so many reasons and evidence that I had built up as the all of the things I've done for everyone and no one does anything for me.
11:46
Adaku: So it's, it's a score keep it in a different way.
11:50
Adaku: And it's interesting because I just got off a coaching call now with some firstborn daughters and there's this vicious cycle of the more I do, the more I feel significant.
12:01
Adaku: So it's, um, so I need to do these things.
12:04
Adaku: But then I get to be righteous and complaining about it, because then it's like, oh well, me, um, this is how I'm not loved and therefore, if I complain, well, me, this is how I'm not loved.
12:17
Adaku: And therefore, if I complain, hopefully you'll feel bad.
12:18
Adaku: And then so it becomes like a little bit of a manipulation, unconsciously of course, but yeah, so it's.
12:24
Mary: Well, I like that example because I think what happens?
12:26
Mary: We don't often recognize ourselves, so there could very well be people listening thinking I'm a first daughter.
12:34
Mary: I don't think I do that, but yet they probably feel some of the things.
12:38
Mary: So give us an idea how you conceptualize this idea.
12:42
Mary: What does it typically look like?
12:43
Adaku: if there's a typical so the when you talk about aha moments, I had a suicide attempt when I was 25 and I was like, if this is going to be my life experience, feeling depressed, I'd rather not be here because this is horrible.
12:59
Adaku: And I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel.
13:01
Adaku: And a friend of my brother's introduced me to the coach that I worked with and one of the breakthrough moments because he dedicated about two to six hours a day of his time to me for free for three months, which was a godsend.
13:15
Adaku: I'm so grateful.
13:16
Adaku: And in one of our conversations he would say like why do you think you're depressed?
13:21
Adaku: And I would have all of these reasons, as my family take advantage of me and they like I have to do everything for everyone, and no one even has a thought of how I feel and what the impact is on me.
13:31
Adaku: I had all the justifications and he just said who told you you had to do that?
13:37
Adaku: So what do you mean?
13:38
Adaku: Who told me I had to do that?
13:39
Adaku: Of course I have to do it, because if I don't do it, who else is going to?
13:42
Adaku: Like?
13:42
Adaku: Everything is going to fall apart if it wasn't for me.
13:44
Adaku: And then he kept asking the same question.
13:47
Adaku: But who told you you had to do that?
13:48
Adaku: But who told you you had to do that?
13:50
Adaku: And eventually I heard the question and I was like, oh, who told me I had to do that?
13:55
Adaku: I made that decision.
13:57
Adaku: When I saw my mom pulling up her sock, like no one explicitly came to me, even if it was implied.
14:07
Adaku: I still had agency.
14:08
Adaku: I didn't have to take on this role and I wouldn't have been put on the street if I didn't become this kind of savior to my family.
14:13
Adaku: And that was the first moment I had to start realizing like, oh, wow, I've trained them to expect this from me because I've kept continuously shown up in this way.
14:22
Adaku: And if I've shown up in this way, then I can show up in a different way to train them to be otherwise.
14:27
Adaku: And that's the moment that my life started to change.
14:32
Adaku: It wasn't easy, because there was a lot of emotions I had to deal with, like the thought of saying no felt like the hardest thing in the world.
14:39
Adaku: And when I started looking at why, then I started realizing oh crap, if I don't do these things, like who am I and how would they relate to me and would they even love me and would I have like a significance in the family.
14:52
Adaku: And that's how I started to see like, oh, I get a payoff from playing this role, even though it's exhausted me and it's causing me pain, it's leading to depression.
15:00
Adaku: So, luckily, I was so grateful for having depression.
15:04
Adaku: It was the biggest gift I could have because I didn't want that anymore.
15:09
Adaku: So I, regardless of the resistance I had to work through it and then through that I was able to take responsibility for the part that I played in in the dynamic and start shifting that which shifted everything else.
15:21
Mary: So, yeah, well, you said the, the perfect thing.
15:24
Mary: That sums up these types of situations.
15:26
Mary: You train them, we train people how to teach us or how to treat us.
15:30
Mary: And it is interesting because I can speak for myself.
15:34
Mary: This was me.
15:35
Mary: Now I'm the first daughter after three brothers, so interesting.
15:39
Mary: But I'm pretty self-sufficient.
15:43
Mary: And I think then the narrative.
15:45
Mary: I want to talk more about narratives too, but I think the narrative became I have to take care of myself.
15:50
Mary: Nobody's going to take care of me.
15:51
Mary: And the more I did that, the less people offered.
15:54
Mary: And then one day I'm like why can't people see?
15:58
Mary: And it was like light bulb, like you keep telling them you're fine.
16:03
Mary: So that was very pivotal.
16:06
Mary: So how has it been for you?
16:07
Mary: Or especially when you first realized this, how was it for you to really start that shift?
16:20
Adaku: There's so many, I'm still doing it.
16:21
Adaku: I don't think there's always layers of it.
16:22
Adaku: Right, you start the shift.
16:22
Adaku: But the same thing in relation to I was looking at people.
16:25
Adaku: I'm like there are some people who just have everyone show up for them, naturally.
16:29
Adaku: What's the difference between them and me?
16:31
Adaku: And, like you said, the difference between them and me and, like you said, the difference between them and me is that they are vulnerable.
16:36
Adaku: They are like I haven't got this figured out.
16:38
Adaku: I'm struggling, help me, they'll cry with me.
16:41
Adaku: I'm like I gotta be strong.
16:42
Adaku: I can't cry, I can't show my weakness and I'm like, oh, like, I'm not giving.
16:47
Adaku: And another pivotal moment and aha moment I had was a friend of mine said to me you're really hard to love and I said why that like I'm, that makes me feel horrible.
16:59
Adaku: Yeah, and she said you do so much for me and I don't know how to do anything for you, and I was like that makes me hard to love.
17:07
Adaku: I thought that would be easy, you know, and I started realizing the the same job.
17:12
Adaku: When I'm not exhausted and coming from a glass that's empty, when I give to others and do things for others, I do feel really good and I'm robbing people of the opportunity to do that for me.
17:23
Adaku: And I didn't think of it like that, you know.
17:25
Adaku: And I was in a relationship before my breakdown and we were due to get married and he kept saying to me you don't need me, you don't need me.
17:33
Adaku: And I was like why is that a problem?
17:36
Adaku: And you know, I think that's kind of those two situations that I didn't change immediately.
17:44
Adaku: But then, also, seeing that I've trained people to like take, take, take, I had to learn how to receive.
17:50
Adaku: And that's so uncomfortable when all of your life you've kind of created your identity as being the giver.
17:56
Adaku: It's like, firstly, being vulnerable is scary and it takes a lot of courage.
18:03
Adaku: So I was talking to my clients before this call about this illusion that firstborn daughters have of being strong, which is like creating an image that we have everything together and the real strength is being brave enough to say we don't have anything, everything together and and allow people to help us.
18:21
Adaku: But if we've created a association with being in need, with being weak, it's like it's earth shattering to our existence, to sort of step into it.
18:33
Adaku: But I'm like I want to receive, so I really had to.
18:37
Adaku: There was a situation, circumstances.
18:40
Adaku: Sorry, I feel like I'm going to lots of different places, but hopefully it makes sense.
18:44
Adaku: In 2017, my mom died and that was a year after I walked away from my business and I hadn't had that much time on my hands for a year and I spent all of my money.
18:57
Adaku: Really, it's really easy to spend a lot of money really quickly so I became broke.
19:01
Adaku: My mom died.
19:02
Adaku: I had to become legal guardian to my little brothers.
19:05
Adaku: One of them was in prison, the others because my mom was in a council house, which is government um housing.
19:13
Adaku: They were threatening to make them homeless and they were 14, 17 and 19 at the time because then her name, their name, wasn't on the lease and I'm like you can't do that.
19:25
Adaku: So I went straight into fix it mode, which is what I do.
19:28
Adaku: So I was like I was fighting the council to keep them in the house.
19:31
Adaku: I was fighting the social workers to not put them in the system and to give me guardianship.
19:35
Adaku: I didn't have money, so I had to read on law and pull on my network to try and help me.
19:40
Adaku: So I didn't have the capacity of time to work.
19:43
Adaku: My youngest brother, 14, was having behavioral issues and like being really destructive in a behavioral unit.
19:49
Adaku: He was kicked out of school three years prior, so I was back and forth with the school trying to sort out his care and I was just like I can't afford to sustain myself.
20:02
Adaku: I'm not eligible for any um, any government assistance, because I had a property and they said sell the property and live off that and I was like I don't really want to do that.
20:09
Adaku: So I had to ask.
20:10
Adaku: For the first time in my life I went to my um and I kind of said maybe this is God's way of putting me in a situation where because I would happily go without food I'd done it growing up.
20:24
Adaku: I can do that, you know, I don't mind.
20:26
Adaku: But now I was caring for my little brothers and I was like I I need help to help them.
20:31
Adaku: So I had to ask my mentor, I had to ask friends and everyone showed up for me and I was like okay, I want to make this a pattern and a habit of just even if it's small things like help with my bag, to learn how to train myself to be okay in the receiving, so that I can start building reciprocity.
20:51
Adaku: Otherwise I'm just going to keep creating relationships where I'm the giver and I'm not getting anything back, and then I'm resentful for it.
20:57
Adaku: It's like now, with awareness.
20:58
Adaku: It sounded silly, so it was like, okay, I don't want to keep doing this, what can I do to start making it?
21:04
Adaku: And that was the moment that that journey started, in terms of learning how to receive as well as give.
21:12
Mary: Well, and isn't it interesting that you got permission because you really needed to do it to take care of your brothers.
21:18
Adaku: Yeah, it needed to be justified.
21:20
Mary: Yeah, but then you generalized it to the bigger thing and I think this idea of being strong, we don't need anybody but we really do the vulnerability also comes with.
21:33
Mary: You had been let down.
21:35
Mary: You did need something as a child.
21:37
Mary: I mean, as a child you needed something that you didn't get.
21:40
Mary: And I think there's also that fear of if I reach out and someone doesn't respond, it's because they don't care, they don't love.
21:49
Mary: So that leads into these limiting narratives and I talk about this all the time, but it occurred to me one day.
21:56
Mary: I wonder if people don't know what a limiting narrative is.
22:01
Mary: We have them, but they're like there's buried irrational beliefs.
22:05
Mary: So can you give an example of maybe somebody you've worked with or your own life, whatever like a limiting narrative and how that plays out not only in the unhealthy ways, but how, when you switch that around, you can really grow into more of your full potential?
22:26
Adaku: So a client right now is working with a narrative that she's struggling to let go of, and her narrative is I'm not lovable unless I'm broken.
22:37
Adaku: So how that manifests for her because she's a firstborn daughter.
22:42
Adaku: So it's this, it's, it's weird, weird paradox.
22:45
Adaku: She's the high achieving, successful, seemingly, has it all together, but at the same time she will create these little explosions in her life so that her dad shows up for her or she gets to lean on and it's interesting on male friends, because she has a fundamental belief that her dad doesn't love her because he didn't show up as the dad that she thought he should be.
23:10
Adaku: But through the work we've done together, there's so many ways that he expresses the love it's just not the way that she needs to express.
23:16
Adaku: So she's created this thing that she will never be able to find a man and get married if she is fully healed and coming from a wholesome place.
23:27
Adaku: So she has to stay broken.
23:29
Adaku: So no matter how.
23:31
Adaku: So she's in the container of doing work, but she just keeps sabotaging, sabotaging, sabotaging, in order for her to stay safe.
23:39
Adaku: That as long as she needs rescuing at some level, she's going to be loved.
23:45
Adaku: You know, and and the the flip side of that is well, she hasn't got to the flip side yet.
23:52
Adaku: She's okay.
23:54
Adaku: So, in terms of my case, what is a narrative that was limiting me and transformed narrative that was limiting me financially?
24:02
Adaku: So when I ran out of money in my business, when I left my business, I questioned myself why is it that even when I had my business, I'd make loads of money and I'd lose it?
24:12
Adaku: And I make loads of money and I'd lose it?
24:14
Adaku: And I was like why do I keep having this yo-yo relationship with money?
24:18
Adaku: And I realized that my and I realized that my need to be everything to my family meant that when I had money, the amount of demands that came to me were like heightened.
24:31
Adaku: So, because I didn't know, I felt so guilty saying no.
24:34
Adaku: I had a valid reason where it's like I don't have any money.
24:37
Adaku: It's not because I don't want to, you know, I just don't have any money.
24:40
Adaku: So I needed to create scarcity to give myself a break from solving everyone else's problems, which logically sounds ridiculous.
24:48
Adaku: But it's like if I have money, I will be.
24:51
Adaku: Um, I will just be seen as this, like human ATM that is constantly kind of needing to be at the beck and call of everyone.
25:02
Adaku: So when I changed that narrative to oh, I'm in full control of my abundance and I can choose when I help and I can choose when I don't, wasn't easy.
25:11
Adaku: But I started saying no, it's like I don't have the capacity right now.
25:15
Adaku: When I do, I will.
25:16
Adaku: And as I started doing that, started realizing my finances started to stabilize and even increase.
25:22
Adaku: So that's how I was able to take a narrative that I had and see the dynamic it was creating and choose that.
25:30
Adaku: I didn't want to continue to create that and then take on, adopt a new narrative that served me better.
25:38
Mary: Isn't it crazy, all the complexities and the layers that you have to peel back to really understand yourself.
25:45
Mary: It's fascinating, it is.
25:48
Adaku: It is, but I think that's the joy of being a human.
25:51
Adaku: Well, when you're not in the pain obviously when you're thick of the pain it's like, oh my gosh, why do I have to go through this?
25:57
Adaku: But then, at the same time, it's like I really created that.
26:01
Adaku: Why would I do that to myself?
26:03
Adaku: And being able to see like our minds are really trying to work in our best interest.
26:09
Adaku: But it only has the data from the past to go by.
26:12
Adaku: So, as our adult selves, we almost have to reparent ourselves into taking on, to not thinking that there's danger everywhere and taking on new perspectives and showing up in new ways in life.
26:24
Adaku: But yeah, it's a never-ending journey and for some people it can be exhausting.
26:29
Adaku: I find it fun and exhilarating to figure out the next blind spot and the next edge.
26:34
Adaku: And yeah, it's always great stuff on the other side.
26:38
Mary: Well, one of the steps in your journey which is so intriguing.
26:41
Mary: We tend to equate success with how much money we make right, and if I only had more money.
26:47
Mary: You were doing really well at one point in a business and you basically walked away and went sort of on a retreat.
26:55
Mary: Can you talk a little about how you knew this was the step and kind of why you did that?
27:09
Adaku: step and kind of why you did that.
27:09
Adaku: Well, a lot of the I don't think I knew who I was.
27:10
Adaku: From that moment of, I think, being eight or nine and having the situation with my mom all of my decisions were based around am I a good role model for my siblings?
27:19
Adaku: Am I showing up for my, my parents, how can I make more money?
27:22
Adaku: I think I was earning six figures by the age of 22 after I graduated, a year after I graduated uni, because everything was around making money to give it away.
27:32
Adaku: And when I was in the fourth year of my business, it had got to seven figures and it was at the peak of its growth.
27:40
Adaku: So everyone around me was excited.
27:42
Adaku: My mentor was like you just got to double down and everyone was like I'm not feeling the same excitement that you guys are feeling.
27:49
Adaku: And my team noticed that there was something wrong, cause I come in and I'd be like you guys do whatever you want, like I'm not really bothered and I go home.
27:58
Adaku: And what I didn't realize at the time, that I realized when I decided to go away.
28:02
Adaku: So one thing I appreciate my mom for is that she introduced us all to meditation when I was really young after we moved to the UK.
28:10
Adaku: So we used to meditate all of the time and she would say whenever you have a query, turn within.
28:15
Adaku: And that became like a habit.
28:18
Adaku: So for a period of six months I was really disillusioned with the business.
28:22
Adaku: I didn't have any motivation and I would say to her everyone's telling me this is a phase, but the phase isn't stopping.
28:28
Adaku: I've been like this for six months.
28:29
Adaku: What's going on?
28:30
Adaku: And she said why are you listening to everyone?
28:33
Adaku: Why don't the world?
28:34
Adaku: Picked one that looked good on their website and decided to buy a ticket for a month to go to India to an Osho meditation retreat.
28:54
Adaku: I didn't know who Osho was at the time.
28:56
Adaku: It was funny.
28:57
Adaku: When I got to Delhi for my connecting flight, they asked me where I was going and I told them and the immigration officer was like you know, it's like an orgy ashram.
29:07
Adaku: I was like what, what?
29:08
Mary: did I sign up to?
29:09
Adaku: it wasn't.
29:10
Adaku: It wasn't, but he scared me.
29:11
Adaku: I think they had a reputation in the past.
29:13
Adaku: But, um, so I went without my phone, without my laptop, just closed the world off and while I was there, it through meditate.
29:21
Adaku: I think I was meditating six, meditating six to eight hours a day, and when I wasn't meditating, I was doing arts and crafts.
29:27
Adaku: And I got to play again for the first time in a very long time.
29:31
Adaku: And through that play I realized oh my gosh, I have been working since I was eight years old and I haven't stopped.
29:40
Adaku: And the reason I've lost my motivation for the business is because my siblings are graduating and getting their own jobs and doing things, so the pressure to provide for everyone is dying.
29:51
Adaku: And if my why is external to me, then like I'm just, I don't have any purpose.
29:57
Adaku: I need to figure out who I am Like.
29:59
Adaku: What do I even like doing?
30:00
Adaku: I don't.
30:00
Adaku: I don't know how to answer that.
30:02
Adaku: So that's when I came back and I was like I'm shutting the business down.
30:05
Adaku: Everyone was like what are you doing?
30:06
Adaku: You've lost your mind.
30:07
Adaku: And my mentor actually asked me to get a psychic evaluation because he thought I had fallen into depression again.
30:13
Adaku: And I got a psychic evaluation.
30:15
Adaku: I was fine and he was like no, something has to be wrong.
30:18
Adaku: And I'm like, yeah, what's wrong is that I haven't been living my life for me and now I have the opportunity to.
30:23
Adaku: So that's how I decided to kind of leave a perfectly successful business to go and figure out who am I and what do I need to be doing.
30:34
Mary: And that silence.
30:36
Mary: Where do we have that in the world?
30:38
Mary: I mean, isn't it funny?
30:39
Mary: You had to travel to India to find a place where not only could you have it, but it was acceptable, it was supposed to happen.
30:48
Mary: If we try to do that in our world here, it's like what are you doing?
30:51
Mary: What's wrong with you?
30:52
Mary: Why aren't you?
30:52
Mary: You know it's that fear, missing out or other people's expectations, but sometimes you just have to quiet all the stuff to really hear what your own truth is.
31:03
Mary: You do.
31:05
Adaku: You do.
31:06
Adaku: It is hard, I think, also being in an environment where everyone calls on you, because I don't think that I stopped being the point of contact for everything for my family until I moved to Mexico during the pandemic.
31:20
Adaku: So I think I kind of subconsciously knew that the only way that I would truly get the space to.
31:26
Adaku: I told no one knew where I was going except for my assistant and I told her don't tell anyone unless it's life or death.
31:32
Adaku: And my dad made up some emergency to like get her to give him number, and he ended up calling that and I was like how did you figure out?
31:39
Adaku: It was like I told your, your assistant, that I was in hospital.
31:42
Adaku: I was just like, oh, my gosh, yeah, so, um, but yeah, it's really important to be able to kind of take that time to connect with yourself and hear.
31:54
Adaku: I think it's really easy to kind of push through our emotions and push through our thoughts and do what we're supposed to do.
32:00
Adaku: We miss like the little signs that our intuition or our inner child or like our needs are saying hey, we need you to slow down or hey, we need you to stop, and maybe this direction isn't for you anymore.
32:14
Adaku: And it's a little scary because you start, we create things and when they're successful, sometimes we attach our identity to it.
32:21
Adaku: So a lot of people don't actually want to hear it because it's like I'm going to have to let go of all of this.
32:27
Adaku: Who am I?
32:28
Adaku: How are people going to see me?
32:29
Adaku: And we get so attached to a way of being that it becomes a little confronting to stop and to hear our truth and to act on that truth.
32:49
Mary: Well and I think it's interesting because I work a lot with systems theory that when one part of the system changes, the system doesn't like that.
32:53
Mary: So your dad this shows how hard it is to change things because he went so above and beyond to kind of get you back in that pattern, get you re-engaged in what was important to him.
33:06
Adaku: Yeah, yeah, they did.
33:07
Adaku: Even after I came out of depression and I was living with my mom and I was a partner of a recruitment business and I was given an ultimatum and I left, and so I didn't have a job.
33:22
Adaku: I ended my relationship.
33:23
Adaku: And I was given an ultimatum and I left, and so I didn't have a job.
33:26
Adaku: I ended my relationship.
33:26
Adaku: I moved in with my mom and I realized I need to be away from my mom to change, because she pulls me back into that dynamic and triggers me.
33:32
Adaku: And then I start shouting at her.
33:33
Adaku: It was just not healthy.
33:34
Adaku: But I had nowhere to go.
33:36
Adaku: So I actually moved into my car and I convinced the housing the government housing to give me a one bedroom place.
33:44
Adaku: And when I was there, I didn't tell anyone where I lived.
33:47
Adaku: And they harassed my friends.
33:50
Adaku: They would not.
33:52
Adaku: I was like I just, it's nothing to do with them, I just need the time.
33:55
Adaku: And my friends were like your, your, your family are telling me that I'm a bad person and how can I hold this secret?
34:02
Adaku: And I'm like, please, just do this for me.
34:04
Adaku: And eventually they caved.
34:05
Adaku: And then my mom showed up outside my house one day and she just kept knocking and you know, so they.
34:10
Adaku: I think again, it's like when you make yourself indispensable, people need you to stay as you are.
34:17
Adaku: Even the process of changing and trying to retrain them it caused a whole lot of anger and resentment and there was a lot of backlash and I had to really dig deep to hold on to like I know why I'm doing this for me and for them, because I'm not allowing my siblings to realize that they're capable, because I'm taking that away from them by doing everything you know.
34:41
Adaku: So it's like, even though this hurts, they're capable because I'm taking that away from them by doing everything you know.
34:46
Adaku: So it's like, even though this hurts, so, yeah, your environment and the relationships that have known you to be one way but come the kind of a Kibbe's hill to your evolution because they need you to be that way for them to feel safe, or because they feel safe in the familiar, whether the familiar is working or not.
35:00
Adaku: So yes, it's difficult.
35:02
Adaku: Yeah, it's really difficult and sometimes it feels easier to just go back to it, but I think you knew there was too much at stake to do that If I didn't fall into depression, I would have been easily pulled back in Like I needed something to really, really hurt for me to say, even though this is painful, I know that there's a pain that I don't want to feel.
35:22
Mary: That's a result of keeping things the way they are, so yeah, you mentioned the word gratitude, and so I've asked several guests if you could go back and change something or do something different.
35:35
Mary: Almost 100% of the time they say I wouldn't change anything.
35:38
Mary: How do you feel about that question?
35:45
Adaku: anything.
35:46
Adaku: How do you feel about that question?
35:47
Adaku: Yeah, it's tough because I said something earlier about coming to the realization that a lot of the things I like about myself now and we'll go as far as to say love, because this has been a journey of learning to love myself I wouldn't have those attributes had it not been for my circumstances.
36:02
Adaku: I wouldn't have those attributes had it not been for my circumstances.
36:07
Adaku: But yeah, I would have preferred not to go without food and to have to walk to school and be cold and have holes in my shoes and my brother'd steal my trainers because he ruined his with sports and yeah, all of those things.
36:22
Adaku: Ideally I would not have them, but it's so interesting because I'm partnered with one of my clients on a recovery business and a lot of the clients that come through are from really well-off families and they had two-parent households and they had a lot of money but they've turned to drugs because they feel like they don't have confidence in anything that they can do.
36:46
Adaku: And it's like I'm not afraid of not having because I've not had so many times and made something out of nothing that it's kind of made me comfortable with taking risks, because I believe in my capability, because I've had that.
37:00
Adaku: So if I had everything given to me, I wouldn't have that same confidence, you know.
37:04
Adaku: So it's difficult because, yes, in hindsight, I don't think a child should go through that and I wouldn't want to put a child through that and then I wouldn't be who I am had I not gone through that.
37:16
Adaku: So, yeah, it's hard.
37:19
Mary: It's hard, yeah, and I feel like that is an aspect of true healing when people get to a point where they can look at it with gratitude.
37:28
Mary: You know you got to really hear from your mom.
37:32
Mary: I mean, I'm guessing there was some understanding when she said to you I didn't nurture you for whatever.
37:38
Mary: If we can say, wow, that's backward for a mom or whatever she in her own way, we can see that as adults.
37:44
Mary: We see our parents how they struggle, just as people.
37:47
Mary: But I feel like when people can truly sit and say I feel gratitude, that is like true healing.
37:55
Mary: So the other thing that I think we make the mistake of is we see somebody like you that you know your website is beautiful, what you're doing is beautiful, your message is beautiful, and I think we can be like, oh, I could never be that, and we think it's this linear, like you've arrived now.
38:14
Mary: So what do you still?
38:16
Mary: What is still hard for you?
38:17
Mary: What do you still struggle with?
38:20
Adaku: Hmm, Good question.
38:22
Adaku: What am I working on right now?
38:28
Adaku: So, one of the the key things that so I?
38:33
Adaku: I always say that there's layers to everything, um, so I had an incident in tulum, um, four months ago.
38:43
Adaku: So I have fibroids and I live in a very um, spiritual town.
38:49
Adaku: So my masseuse gives me a massage and says, oh, your kasha crackle says this and says that like every everyone's giving me readings from all over the place, and every time I've gone to two different healers for other things and they touched my fibroids and they said to me, oh, you had some sexual trauma in your life.
39:07
Adaku: And I was like, no, I haven't.
39:08
Adaku: Um, and they were like, maybe in your ancestry or in your lineage, but you're carrying this sexual trauma.
39:16
Adaku: I haven't been sexually assaulted.
39:18
Adaku: And then I, on four months ago, I was on a scooter and I usually get home by 10 o'clock but I met a friend I hadn't seen in a while and we talked until like 11.
39:28
Adaku: I was like, oh my gosh, I gotta go.
39:30
Adaku: So I got on my scooter and someone actually followed me and they ended up like groping my thighs as I was driving and it shook me up.
39:38
Adaku: But again, lesson in disguise, because I got home and I tried to calm myself down.
39:43
Adaku: I closed my eyes to breathe and I had this almost like movie reel of all of the compromising situations I've been in from a young age when I have been in, from a young age where I have been objectified and I was actually raped after my mom died and my brain, I guess in order to cope because I had to look after my siblings pushed it to the side.
40:04
Adaku: So I was like, oh my gosh, I didn't see that.
40:07
Adaku: And as I started working through it, the thing that I tied together was I had a call with some friends of mine who are really kind of passionate feminists and to me it every time I hear them speak about men, it sounds like they hate men and it frustrates me and I'm like you guys want to be in a relationship but you hate men.
40:29
Adaku: Like how, how is this gonna work?
40:31
Adaku: You know, like you're, you're not into women.
40:33
Adaku: So at some point and I'm like why?
40:36
Adaku: And the friend of mine, before I got on my scooter, she sent me a message and she said I notice how you get triggered every time we speak about our feed.
40:46
Adaku: It's about the patriarchy and, seeing as you're the one that's triggered, you might want to look into what's coming up for you, and I was like I'm grateful for Thank you.
40:54
Adaku: So, as I was replaying all of these situations, I was like, oh my gosh, I have a fundamental mistrust of men and in hearing their feelings about the patriarchy, it triggers the fundamental mistrust of men that I had no conscious awareness of.
41:11
Adaku: So I thought I was reacting to them, but I was reacting to myself, because I'm single right now and if I mistrust men, how am I going to be able to attract someone into my life?
41:23
Adaku: So I was like let's extrapolate that I don't think I trust anyone to fully hold space for me, because I've been taking care of myself for so long and even though I've learned to receive, I think there's still an undercurrent of like I'm in this alone and I know that I can guarantee and rely on me and I'm never going to let myself down.
41:42
Adaku: But to really truly surrender to someone else I don't know.
41:47
Adaku: So that's the thing that I've been working on, because I'm like in order to.
41:52
Adaku: I have a vision of growing a community of a hundred thousand firstborn daughters globally and I can't do that just on my back.
41:59
Adaku: I'm going to wear myself out.
42:00
Adaku: I'm going to need to build a team and be able to create community and not be such a loner.
42:06
Adaku: So I'm like this is going to have a ripple effect in every area and I've been doing some work to look at where that started and one of the things that came down was a forgiveness exercise that I did because my dad wasn't in my life between the age of 8 and 25.
42:20
Adaku: So I started realizing that there are certain things I'm still holding onto and blaming my parents for.
42:27
Adaku: So I'm not playful because my mom made me grow up early.
42:31
Adaku: I get to choose who I am in this moment Like, why am I carrying that into now?
42:38
Adaku: So I started seeing all of these things that I hold on to as evidence why I shouldn't trust people.
42:44
Adaku: And now I'm working on letting go of those things, one at a time, and stepping into the attributes that I say I can't have because of those things that happened in the past, so that I can create evidence that I can have them regardless of that and that will allow me to forgive and truly open up at this new level.
43:02
Mary: So that's what.
43:04
Adaku: I'm currently working on.
43:05
Mary: Oh, that's a big one, you know, and I do say very often that life taps us on the shoulder and if we don't listen then it starts to like nudge.
43:14
Mary: And isn't it interesting that these people that you trust that are, you know, because our body keeps the score, like it we're holding it somewhere, and it wasn't until life did that next thing that you were like holy crap.
43:28
Mary: Like there it is.
43:28
Mary: Yeah, I would prefer to not learn from extreme pain?
43:32
Adaku: But apparently not.
43:33
Adaku: I keep like things blow from extreme pain.
43:34
Adaku: I know my lesson, but apparently not.
43:35
Adaku: I keep like letting things blow up and I'm like, okay, all right, I'm paying attention, you know, but it's so true, it's um.
43:42
Adaku: I always say when people are like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry you were depressed and you had, I was like, don't be like, I needed that.
43:48
Adaku: It's almost like I was asking God like why is why things so hard?
43:52
Adaku: Why are things like this?
43:53
Adaku: And I wasn't listening to what I was asking God like why is why are things so hard?
43:57
Adaku: Why are things like this?
43:57
Adaku: And I wasn't listening to what I was being told.
43:59
Adaku: And it's almost like I kind of see it as God's hand lifting me up and throwing me against the wall for me to be like okay, I let go of anything that I thought I was right on, I'm open to anything else.
44:06
Adaku: And that's when, like, all of the answers started coming through and, even with this, I just immediately dismissed the whole.
44:12
Adaku: I was like I don't have any recollection of any sexual trauma.
44:14
Adaku: Rather than being curious and being like do I?
44:17
Adaku: And maybe like there's something that I need to look at, I was just like no, that's not me, you guys are picking up your, your antennas are broken, you're picking something else from.
44:25
Adaku: But then I had to have that situation happen to me, like, oh, I have plenty of situations in my life that I completely forgot.
44:32
Adaku: So, yeah, I'm grateful, but yeah, it's just there's, there's a gift in I guess.
44:38
Adaku: It's how you go through life, right, because some people go through and it's kind of like I've.
44:43
Adaku: I feel so angry and I feel so hurt for everything that's happened to me and that's fair and that's a valid feeling, like you're entitled to your feeling.
44:51
Adaku: And there's a flip side of okay, these things have happened to me and what can I see I've gained from them and what have they opened up for me.
45:00
Adaku: I think that's just a lighter way of living life and I haven't always been here, so don't let me sound like an enlightened guru.
45:08
Adaku: I am not.
45:08
Adaku: I was very angry and very resentful and very.
45:12
Adaku: It took me a while of doing work consistently to be like oh my gosh, life is so beautiful and we get to recreate ourselves over and over and over again and life always reflects who we are to us.
45:25
Mary: Yeah, and I, just one of my little, I do mini episodes that are just solos, episodes that are just solos.
45:39
Mary: And the one that I did for, I guess, September was try to shift from why is this happening to me to what can I learn from this.
45:43
Mary: And it's so powerful because life happens through us.
45:45
Mary: It doesn't happen to us, but we can feel like it's just happening to us and we are out of control.
45:51
Mary: But once you can slow down and really just let it be curious, let it be there, like you use the word curiosity but it's scary, Like why would you want to think that happened to you?
46:02
Mary: So until your brain was ready and the world pushed you, then you were like, oh yeah, there it is.
46:10
Adaku: Yeah, yeah, life is funny.
46:13
Adaku: Yeah, yeah, life is is funny.
46:18
Adaku: But, um, yeah, I wish for other.
46:19
Adaku: I always wish that I could have this potion to give everyone what I now have.
46:21
Adaku: Like the one of the most painful things is seeing other people in pain and then thinking they're powerless in their pain.
46:27
Adaku: It breaks my heart.
46:28
Adaku: I always get emotional when I think about it and I'm like I wish you could see how much power you had to like change in your whole experience.
46:36
Adaku: And it's something as simple, even though it's hard, as a mindset shift in terms of how we relate to life makes such a big difference to our experience and the results that we create.
46:48
Adaku: And, yes, it's beautiful.
46:51
Mary: Yeah Well, I think that's a great spot to end on.
46:54
Mary: So I know you have wonderful things that you offer to the world, so can you tell us a little bit about what you offer and where to find you?
47:01
Adaku: Okay, well, the thing I'm working on right now is a community that I've launched for firstborn daughters specifically who are entrepreneurs and executives, specifically who are entrepreneurs and executives, and I basically have developed a methodology to help them heal those firstborn daughter patterns that are limiting them, so that they can have a lot more success, a lot more abundance, with a lot more ease and gentleness and allow themselves to like, not feel they have to work hard, so just allow things to flow into them.
47:33
Adaku: So, yeah, yeah, that's that's the thing that I'm working on.
47:37
Adaku: My website is wwwhealedherocom, because I think firstborn daughters are heroes in other people's lives and, um, I'm on all social media.
47:47
Adaku: I need to get better at posting.
47:48
Adaku: I'm working on that, but they can.
47:50
Adaku: My name is pretty much it.
47:53
Adaku: I think it on instagram is adagliembagu underscore, I think, um, or adagli underscore embagu.
48:00
Adaku: That shows you how much I'm on it.
48:01
Mary: I don't even know my handle it's okay, it'll all be linked in the show notes, so thank you.
48:07
Mary: Well, this has been delightful.
48:12
Mary: I think you have a beautiful spirit and I really appreciate that you were here with me today.
48:16
Adaku: Likewise, I appreciate you having me.
48:18
Mary: I think this has been one of my favorite conversations, so thank you, thank you, thank you, and I want to thank everyone for listening.
48:25
Mary: Listener feedback is one of the things that helps podcasts get found by other listeners, so please take a minute to scroll to the bottom of the show and give a quick rating, or, if you have a couple minutes, please comment, because I love to hear from my listeners.
48:39
Mary: And until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant violet that you are.
48:45
Mary: Thank you.