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How to help a loved one that's in a toxic relationship with a narcissist · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  What is going on beautiful people Welcome to another
• 0:03
  episode of the narcissist Code. I'm your favorite selfaware
• 0:06
  narcissist Mr. Lee Hammock better known as mental illness
• 0:09
  across all social media platforms.
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  This your first time sit in my face and hearing my lovely
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  voice. I'm a clinically diagnosed
• 0:15
  narcissist and I use my platform on social media to raise
• 0:18
  awareness for NPD, get more people in the therapy like
• 0:20
  myself and also validate the victims, survivors and thrivers
• 0:23
  of said disorder, said toxic people said toxic traits.
• 0:27
  Today's episode is going to be about how to help a friend or
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  loved one close family member that is in a types of
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  relationship with a narcissist or a types of person with an
• 0:37
  abusive abusive person in a types of relationship.
• 0:41
  Before we hop into today's episode y'all make sure you if
• 0:43
  you haven't already, join my newsletter my my e-mail list.
• 0:47
  There is a link in the description of every single
• 0:49
  video and podcast that I do that links the that links it all up.
• 0:53
  I have a kids book coming out, so my own personal book.
• 0:56
  I have a couple of courses that I'm working on.
• 0:58
  I have a lot of interesting stuff that's coming up behind
• 1:01
  the scenes. Stuff is in my newsletter.
• 1:02
  Make sure you follow that and check it out.
• 1:04
  It's free. Not spam.
• 1:05
  I don't spam people. You.
• 1:06
  I promise you I don't. But yeah, yeah, how?
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  This is one of the main questions I get like my friend
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  is in a toxic relationship. My sister is in a relationship
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  with a narcissist, Somebody that you know or love.
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  Sorry, y'all. Somebody that you know, love or
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  care about is in a relationship with a narcissistic person and
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  you feel like you are helpless to do anything about it.
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  So from the narcissist perspective, from the
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  perspective of a diagnosed Narciss job, we want people to
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  be we like to isolate people. We like to isolate people away
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  from their friends and family members because we like to be
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  the only source of validation that that person gets.
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  So we want to isolate your friend or your family member,
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  your expartner, whoever it is, your ex, your ex-spouse, whoever
• 1:54
  it is in your life, your coworker, your boss, whoever it
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  is. We want to isolate them.
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  So we want you to leave that person alone.
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  We want you to go away. We want you to just disappear.
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  And we want you to be aggressive and talk and junk about us
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  because you know that's what we want.
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  We want you to do that so we can turn you against, turn off our,
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  turn our partner against you, turn our partner against all
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  their friends and family members and things of that nature.
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  So that happens all the time. So we want you to be the
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  narcissist wants you to be pushy.
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  The narcissist wants you to get frustrated with your friend or
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  family member. The narcissist wants all of this
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  stuff to happen so that you can. The isolation can happen more.
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  It's like a cult member. It's like, you know how hard it
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  is to get somebody to get somebody to acknowledge and
• 2:41
  leave a cult. You know how hard it is.
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  You know how y'all there's a couple of cults going on right
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  now in real life. I'm not going to admit that we
• 2:48
  would not be mentioned. But you know how hard to get
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  someone to leave a cult? Leaving a narcissist
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  relationship can be damned maybe leaving like a cult of 1.
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  It's just me and you. The narcissist and the the
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  narcissist and the survivor victim thrive or what it not.
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  Thrive is not in there but like the narcissist and that person
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  that they're with. So we want to isolate your
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  friend, your partner, your sister, your brother.
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  We want them to be isolated. Y'all.
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  So if you are trying to help this person, sometimes you got
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  to be gentle. You have to you know that
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  they're in a touchy relationship.
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  They might know it, they might have signs of it.
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  They might see it themselves. But you, the more pushy you are
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  with somebody, hey, you're stupid.
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  Hey, you're ignorant for staying in this relationship.
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  Hey, you're part of cheats on you and beats on you.
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  You're dumb myself for staying with them.
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  When you say stuff like that to people, that people tend to
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  double down on what they're what they're doing because they want
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  to prove you. A lot of times they don't like
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  you talking to them like that, but also they want to prove you
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  wrong. They do.
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  They want to prove you wrong. So I'm going to prove you don't
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  know them like I do. I'm going to prove you wrong by
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  staying in this relationship. So when you come at them
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  aggressively, sometimes it makes them want to double down and
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  stay within that toxic relationship.
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  Y'all it. A lot of times that's how it
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  happens. They want to double down and
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  stay in their relationship because they think that they
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  they they think that they can change them and they sometimes
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  they have it. Yeah.
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  Sometimes your friends are codependent.
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  Sometimes your friends themselves might have
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  personality disorders or mental health issues of their own that
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  they're dealing with, that they're struggling with, which
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  is why they might be in this relationship with this
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  narcissistic person. You mean everybody has their own
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  struggles, Everybody is battling their own demons, so to speak,
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  and what not. So when you are aggressive with
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  your friend or whoever, this is, when you are aggressive with
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  your loved one, I'm just all saying loved one, y'all.
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  When you are aggressive with your loved one, sometimes you
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  push them to stay with that narcissistic person.
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  Y' Sometimes you push them to stay with their narcissists.
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  So when you do get this, like when you do, because you'll
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  probably be seeing them less. This is what happens in toxic
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  relationships. You see that person less and
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  less and less. So when you do see that person,
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  you know, just bring it up a little bit, Bring it up gently
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  if you want to bring it up gently like that.
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  We don't, we don't get to see you anymore and what's going on.
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  Hopefully you get to the point where they feel comfortable
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  enough to tell you to discuss with you what's going on in
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  their relationship. Hopefully they get to that
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  point. Y'all.
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  Sometimes they never get there. I'm just telling you, Sometimes
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  it can be extremely frustrating to be dealing with a loved one
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  that is an attached relationship because you want to drag them
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  out. You want them, you want to hit
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  them across the damn head to help to make them see what you
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  see, right. A lot of times you want you want
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  them to see what you see. So you want to you Hey, you
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  getting abused? Let's go.
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  Let's go Get them kids out of there.
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  Well, y'all their their mind. When their mind and their heart
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  are not in alignment. It causes people some.
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  It causes people strife and pain.
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  Y'all it really, really does. That's one of those things.
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  It really, really happens with people who are with narcissistic
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  people. Y'all.
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  So we want the narcissist want you to be pushy because the
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  narcissist is spreading rumors about you.
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  The narcissist is telling your friend that you are bad
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  influence, that you you don't want them to be together because
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  you're jealous of what they have going on.
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  You see what I'm saying? So don't act jealous.
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  Don't don't act jealous. Don't act bitter.
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  Be compassionate. Y'all have empathy.
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  You're an empath. Be You have to be compassionate
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  to your friends and touch relationship with y'all and I
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  know what it's saying. I know, like I said, but you can
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  also set boundaries. Y'all you can set boundaries
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  sooner or later. If you keep telling if you if it
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  feels like you're repeating the same thing over and over and
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  over again to this person and if the person is making the same
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  complaints to you about their partner or whoever it is.
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  Y'all you can set boundaries on your friend that's in a types of
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  relationship. You can just say, hey look, I've
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  spoken my piece, Look, if they're asking you for your
• 6:24
  opinion, give your honest opinion but don't keep repeating
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  yourself over and over again. Y'all you can say hey, look,
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  I've spoken my piece. I've told you what I think.
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  But we can't keep talking about the same thing over and over
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  again. If you're not going to take any
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  actions, I'm here for you. If you want to take action, I'm
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  going to. I'll back you up.
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  I you want to make a plan to leave, I got you.
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  But we can't keep talking about the same thing over and over
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  again. We we just can't keep doing that
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  because that dominates the conversation.
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  Be gentle when you say this job because they can make them feel
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  like that they're alone on an island.
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  They can they can feel like you're they.
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  When you say stuff like that, it can make them feel like you're
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  taking the boat and you're leaving Narcissist Island.
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  You're leaving them like you're the last passenger off the last
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  lifeboat on the Narcissist Island and you're leaving it by
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  themselves. You see what I'm saying?
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  You have to be very gentle and compassionate.
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  Your approach y'all. You can sit bounders, you can
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  talk to them. Look, you can be a vent.
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  You can be a vent if they need one.
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  You mean y'all, but you can also have bounders.
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  You have a life as well. You can't like y'all.
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  You can't allow this other person's life or lack of being
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  in touch relationship. You can't allow that to dominate
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  your life because they can actually start to.
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  It can have like a trickle down effect in your life as well.
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  You know what I mean? It can absolutely have a trickle
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  down effect. It can have a trickle down
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  effect in your life as well. It's sort of affect your
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  personal relationships, sort of affect your marriage, sort of
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  affect a lot of different things that going on inside of your
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  life. So when you're trying to deal
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  with trying to help a person that's in a toxic relationship,
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  y'all you have to be there. Yeah, you have to have some
• 7:56
  compassion. But you also can set boundaries.
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  You mean you can help them leave if they want, if they are ready
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  to make a plan. Of course everybody's going to
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  be at different stages, y'all where they're not ready to hear
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  something you mean. But if you really look, you can
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  start a conversation with them and talk to them on a positive
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  note, You know, just like like we miss you.
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  I've been so look, you so fun to be around.
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  I can't let we never get to see you anymore.
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  Look, be calm, cool, collective make.
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  You can make a little jokes here and there just to get them to
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  open up, which always want to come from a supportive
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  standpoint. I'm telling you, because when
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  you get aggressive because y'all you can get it, you you're going
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  to get aggressive sometimes. Y'all because you can be
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  frustrated. You're a human being.
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  But always if you want to apologize and apologize, y'all.
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  But if they keep bringing up unhealthy things around you that
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  their partner is doing, if they're comfortable enough to
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  talk to you about what their partner is doing, their parent
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  is doing, their boss is doing, then y'all when they start
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  saying that you can focus on those unhealthy behaviors and
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  ask them things, just say, hey, look, what are you going to
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  make? I hear you talking about it.
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  You, you keep saying this, but what are you going to do about
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  it? Like, because that sounds like
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  abuse. That sounds like abusive
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  behavior. That sounds that you know, you
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  know. But you don't always have to say
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  abusive. You can say that doesn't sound
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  right. You want to be treated that way
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  because using the word abuse tends to push people away.
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  And a lot of people don't want to feel like that partner is
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  abusive. But sometimes you have to be
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  honest with them. Y'all you like that, you know,
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  your friend, your partner, your sister, you know your loved one
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  better than a lot of people do. Y'all so you know just keep the
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  conversation on the friendly level.
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  Y'all don't look this is not yeah you're not a a church
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  pastor. They are not your congregation.
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  You can't preach to them. Y'all I'm telling you you start
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  getting preachy and like feel like they're you're preaching to
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  them. You need to leave this touch
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  relationship. You need to take them kids and
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  go either. God don't want you to stay in a
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  I'm telling you, people leave the church all the time because
• 9:45
  of stuff like that. Your part, your your loved one
• 9:48
  is going to leave your church because they don't want to hear
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  that, I promise you. You mean, but you can't one day.
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  I don't feel like a lot of people have to do that.
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  You can't make the decision for them.
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  You can't make force them to leave a type of relationship
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  because if they if you force them to leave somehow so much
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  there before and they're not ready, if you give them an
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  ultimatum and they do leave, they're probably going to go
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  back. Y'all.
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  They have to leave when they are ready to leave.
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  If they want to leave. They have to leave when they are
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  ready to leave because if not, they'll just go back.
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  You may if you force them to leave, like right now.
• 10:18
  Right now, Right now. But you can say, like I said,
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  you can offer them solutions. You can help them make a plan to
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  leave, help them make a plan if they're a stay at home parent.
• 10:27
  Helping them make a plan to save money if they doing things.
• 10:29
  Birds are fighting toxic birds, toxic relationship.
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  Look, I'm. I'm being supportive.
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  Hey, y'all, stop fighting. It's not hey, it's fighting.
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  No joke, but that's how it goes to y'all.
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  Like you can come from place, you know, offer solutions and
• 10:42
  offer a plan to them. Hey look, I can help you find a
• 10:45
  little job on the side and make money.
• 10:47
  I can help you start a savings account in my name.
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  I can help you with a moving truck if that's what we just
• 10:51
  want to do. I can help you find housing.
• 10:53
  I can help the kids, get the kids at school.
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  I can help whatever. Whatever way you feel like you
• 10:56
  can help. Y'all help out that way.
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  Offer solutions to them. Y'all because like you have to
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  have a calm approach because sometimes their partner or
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  whoever it is, is going to be dangerous as hell.
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  They can't convey, like they have to be able to trust you.
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  Y'all, they have to be able to trust you.
• 11:10
  So if you go back and tell that partner something, or you try to
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  go to the partner, you try to confront the partner, they're
• 11:15
  never going to trust you again. You just you might eliminate
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  yourself from that person's life because you confront the partner
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  with what they trusted you with. They're probably you might be
• 11:22
  putting your friends, your loved ones, life in danger and you
• 11:25
  might make it be making it harder for them to leave.
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  So you have to come from a place of compassion.
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  Y'all make it a plan you mean. And like I said, this is not
• 11:32
  going to be the end of it. Y'all.
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  Like I said, you have to expect more conversation If they don't
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  leave, even even if they do leave or they don't leave, this
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  is not going to be the end of what you hear about y'all.
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  This is not going to be the last time you hear about the toxicity
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  in this relationship. Because even if they do make it
• 11:44
  out, they might have to coparent, they might have to go
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  through, they might have to go through a tumultuous divorce,
• 11:49
  they might have to be home, then they're homeless or something
• 11:51
  like that. Y'all There's going to be other
• 11:53
  things that come up from this toxic relationship because
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  there's a residual effects, there's residual effects from
• 11:59
  being in a toxic relationship. Y'all, it's not just leave and
• 12:02
  feel better. No, it's leave and heal.
• 12:04
  You have to start the healing journey.
• 12:05
  You may, but you can be there for your friends.
• 12:07
  Y'all, don't be too pushy like I said, but you cannot.
• 12:09
  You can set boundaries, y'all and at the end of the day, if it
• 12:14
  becomes too much y'all you can, you can create some distance for
• 12:17
  yourself. Like I said, you, you are a
• 12:19
  human being too. You have a life to live as well
• 12:22
  and your life cannot center around the other person in this
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  house relationship all the time. Because yeah, if it does center
• 12:27
  around this, it's going to make you sad.
• 12:29
  And so you're going to leave the youth and have some mental
• 12:30
  health stuff going on. So you you going to leave the
• 12:32
  youth of being depressed in things of that nature?
• 12:35
  So there's a very, very unique dynamic and a unique space to be
• 12:39
  in where you're dealing with narcissistic, toxic people.
• 12:43
  Y'all, I promise you, it's a very unique space, a very unique
• 12:46
  dynamic. But you have to be ready for
• 12:48
  y'all. You have to be ready to help
• 12:49
  your friend or a loved one, fellow member, whoever it is,
• 12:52
  you know from a different space. Because that narcissistic
• 12:54
  person, I'm telling you, y'all that narcissistic person, they
• 12:57
  don't. They want you to give up.
• 12:59
  They want to exhaust you. They want you to feel exhausted.
• 13:03
  They want you to just give up and leave them to leave that.
• 13:06
  Leave your your loved one to their own vices.
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  They want you to leave that person by themselves so they can
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  have them alone. And when they get them alone,
• 13:15
  y'all I promise you, it's hard to get them out.
• 13:17
  Look at look at these cults. Y'all look at these cults.
• 13:20
  Some of these cults in real life.
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  You mean look at some of these cults.
• 13:24
  They do whatever the narcissist tells them to do.
• 13:26
  You know what I mean? But stay.
• 13:28
  Try to stay like y'all. Try to stay in their life.
• 13:30
  Try to stay relevant. Try to be helpful, lend a
• 13:32
  helping hand, you know Linda helping here.
• 13:35
  And be kind to be compassionate and use their empathy.
• 13:37
  Y'all like empathy so much. Use their empathy for your
• 13:39
  friend. But again, you can also set
• 13:42
  boundaries to y'all because you have to protect your own mental
• 13:44
  health as well. Because if you're not there, you
• 13:47
  see what I'm saying? Like I said, you have to point
• 13:50
  out your own. You have to protect your own
• 13:51
  mental health as well. Y'all be with y'all.
• 13:54
  Hope this episode watches the peace.
• 13:55
  Hope it watches some clarity. Hope it helps you get your
• 13:57
  friend or loved one out of the toxic relationship.
• 14:00
  Y'all, if they're ready to leave, you know he can be able
• 14:02
  to be there to help him. Anyways, y'all like and
• 14:05
  subscribe for more. And as always, mental illness is
• 14:07
  out in peace. What is going on?
• 14:09
  Beautiful people, Thank you so much for making it to the end of
• 14:12
  my video, watching it all the way through Y'all.
• 14:14
  If you haven't already, go ahead, go ahead and hit that
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  subscribe button. Y'all turn on notification so
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  more people. Like I said in the beginning,
• 14:23
  the Self love brand is available.
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  I have a self love journal that's available on Amazon as
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  well to help you rebuild their self love Lee Hammock.
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  I love me on Amazon and whatnot. Also do one on ones over zoom
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  and such as well. Y'all like and subscribe for
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  award but to whom this is out.