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ADHD Struggles or Strengths What Moms Need to Know with Audra Queen · Mom2Mom MENTORING - Work/Life Harmony, Soul-Care, Kingdom Minded Moms

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have you ever walked into a room and completely forgotten why you're there, or found yourself putting the milk in the pantry, in the cereal in the fridge? While blindfolded, the mental load of schedules, laundry, meal planning and keeping tiny humans alive can be overwhelming for any mom.
But for those with a DHD, it's like trying to organize a closet while a tornado or a toddler keeps pulling everything back out.
A DHD isn't just something kids struggle with.
It's a real challenge for adults too, especially for moms who are juggling 57 different things before breakfast.
Research shows that women with A DHD are often Misdiagnosed or overlooked because we're masters at masking our struggles.
But behind the scenes, the constant overwhelm, the forgotten appointments, the half finished projects can make every day feel like a never ending circus.
The good news.
A DHD also comes with some incredible strengths, creativity, hyperfocus, and an empathetic heart that often makes these moms incredible problem solvers.
But how do you move from barely surviving to actually thriving? Well, That's where today's guest comes in.
I am Misty.
Your gratitude guide, mom, mentor, celebration, coach, and your dream champion your listening to mom to mom mentoring the podcast where busy Christian moms learn how to live powerfully lead with purpose and love with intention, all while keeping their sanity intact.
And speaking of sanity.
If your home feels more like chaos than calm, I'm gonna share an incredible resource with you.
The Chaos to Calm chore chart was developed by Katie Welch, first as a tool to help bring peace and structure to her own home as a mom of six, and now she shares it openly with the families.
She supports through Foster Light, and she's sharing it with the listeners of Mom to Mom mentoring as well.
If you'd like to hear more about Katie's personal journey from chaos to calm, be sure to check out episode 45 where she shares her own story and the heart behind this powerful tool.
If you're feeling stuck and need help building a system that actually fits your life, I'd love to chat, book a clarity call with me.
At Mom to Mom mentoring.com/call.
And together we'll discover, define and develop the right system and strategy to bring peace into your home.
Now I am excited to introduce you to another marvelous mom who gets it.
My guest today Audra Queen founder of Thriving Queen Coaching.
Audra was diagnosed with a DHD and autism as an adult, and she's on a mission to help women like her embrace their unique minds, create systems that actually work for them and stop feeling like they're constantly failing at a game.
They were never given the rule book for.
Through her coaching courses and resources like her self-care routine blueprint, she empowers women to prioritize themselves and truly thrive.
Audra is here with us today to unpack what A DHD looks like in a busy mom's.
Life.
She's gonna share practical tips and maybe even help you stop losing your phone while you're on it.
So grab your coffee or the cup that you've reheated three times, but never drank, and let's dive in.
Audra, welcome to Mom to Mom mentoring.
We are so glad to have you with us today so we all can learn more about what it means to live life as a busy Christian mother with an A DHD diagnosis.
The first question I would like to come out of the gate with is you seem to be highly successful.
I would love to know your superpower.
Um, well, I think mine is my unique mind.
I have adult diagnosed ADHD and autism.
I didn't know I had this my entire life.
I did always know I was unique, but I didn't understand to what capacity.
And I honestly do believe that now that I've learned about it, worked through the painful trauma.
from not knowing about it throughout my life and embracing it.
I really do feel like my ADHD and my autism are my superpower because I fully feel comfortably confident in myself now that I have that understanding and I'm able to utilize my unique strengths to my advantage instead of thinking they're a hindrance, Audra.
It's so powerful to hear you say that you feel confident in yourself now for the first time in your life.
That's huge.
But I imagine the road to getting here wasn't easy.
When you first received your diagnosis, what was that moment like for you? How did you feel and how did you begin to shift your understanding of yourself? I found out actually about my ADHD three years ago.
I am turning 40 in a few months, so it's in my, just past my mid 30s.
And at that point, I was still a single mom.
I had started dating my now husband.
And I had just gone through a very difficult season of having to decide to sell my home and hand my children over to their dad.
for six months full time so I could go live with my parents rent free to get on my feet again financially.
it was a very difficult, hard choice in my life.
I went to my parents house And for the first time in years I had a space where I could just Feel safe because I had just been in survival mode for multiple years all of a sudden the first time to actually like focus on me versus just trying to take care of everything and that's when Everything just kind of started flooded in like I've been kind of thinking about this on the back burner, but let's really focus on this and I just started to educate myself more about it Dr.
Ammon, he came out with a study back, in 2013, specifically studying the different types of ADHD.
And most people think there's just, inattentive and attentive ADHD, and actually there's seven types.
I was just connecting the dots, looking back through my life, through the lens of having ADHD and it explained so many challenges I had remembering my mom said, go downstairs and grab a can of beans that go down the stairs.
Like, wait, what am I getting? Like all the time, struggling with short term memory, there's just so many things that were just explaining my brain through the lens of ADHD.
And I talked to my doctor and I said, I am struggling with these things.
This is what I believe I have.
and she Asked is it hindering your ability to function on a daily basis currently? And I was like, yes, I didn't realize that I'm always constantly in freeze mode and I don't get anything done because I'm so overwhelmed with all that I had to do that I didn't do anything.
Not understanding that's literally it.
a symptom of executive dysfunction.
And it was actually hindering my ability to work, make money, support my kids.
Part of the reason why I had to sell my house.
So, um, she's like, well, it's not like waiting months to get tested.
we're going to go ahead and start some medication through to support you on this journey and see if it helps night and day, literally 24 hours.
And all of a sudden I was able to start like, Um, but then after that, a medical professional said, Hey, yes, I agree with this and had to be like, Oh, This is real.
And the very first thing I dealt with, it turns out that the grief journey is normal.
I had to grieve the version of me that I ended up not being my entire life.
Because that wasn't who I was.
I didn't know I'm actually this person with ADHD and autism, and I was surviving through other versions of me trying to survive with masking.
I had spent my life with so many different masks to, to fit in socially.
And I had created different versions of me that weren't really me, but ways that were socially accepted I didn't ever really know who I was my entire life.
The loss of, essentially, 35 years of what I thought was me all of a sudden wasn't me there's just so many layers and anger and frustration it's normal to go through a grief journey.
And I did that.
It took multiple months.
I was going through the stigma of like, I'm broken.
My brain doesn't work.
You know, it's considered a disability.
And so I had to go through that loss as well as The stigma, all of a sudden I have a label on me yeah, there was a lot of layers there.
I'm curious, about the grieving process is I have an adult daughter who does have a diagnosis of ADHD.
we've talked about it and we're both like, Oh my gosh, everything makes sense now, but we haven't talked about the grieving process, as a loving mom of a wonderful human being, it's something I want to be sensitive to with her as well and give her that opportunity to share more of her process.
I have told her many times when you were young and I decided to homeschool, there were so many times that I said or thought if you were in the public school, you'd be diagnosed with ADHD.
Now, when she was growing up, it was not.
a good thing.
Right.
The stigma wasn't very rough.
especially in Christian circles.
now it's, it's different.
So how do you help others mm-hmm Through that, place of, getting over the stigma I help them feel that they are allowed to have all the emotions they're having about it.
And, you just shared the cultural side of it, right? it's hereditary, my parents didn't know because again it wasn't a cultural normal thing.
So we had a very rough upbringing in the sense that we loved each other.
But all of us were like in trauma mode all the time trying to survive with these unknown, very severe diagnoses.
so there is a lot of grief attached to why didn't my parents take care of me? Like and they didn't know either, there just wasn't the information that we have now.
So like I had to go through the anger at my parents and then let that go and understand through their lens it's a process with my coaching, I do, Timeline Therapy specifically, which is a branch of NLP therapy, really helps hone in on releasing the emotional connections to the trauma, I hear many people say, oh, it's my A DHD brain as if in passing.
But understanding how this brain functions is an important part of ensuring that you're operating from your superpower, not making excuses.
So if a woman thinks she might really have a DHD or neurodiversity, what should she do? Um, I first want to say that you don't have to be formally medically diagnosed.
If you suspect and you do the research and you're like, yes, this is me, you can be self diagnosed.
That is absolutely accepted in the neurodivergent community.
The only challenges you might face if you are in like a traditional nine to five job or something and you're looking for accommodations, but you don't have the formal diagnosis, they don't technically have to work with you.
Um, most likely you're struggling in those typical job structures anyways, because they're not set up for your brain.
Turns out that most entrepreneurs are neurodivergent and find unique ways to work with their brains anyways.
If someone comes to me and says, I suspect this, I'm, I'm open to that.
I'm happy to give them more information or resources for them to learn more for themselves.
I'm not going to diagnose.
I'm not qualified to formally diagnose.
Audra, so many moms feel like they're constantly dropping the ball, whether it's forgetting appointments, struggling to get started on tasks or feeling overwhelmed by the simplest to-dos and for moms with a DHD.
This isn't just about being busy, it's something deeper.
I've heard the term executive dysfunction thrown around a lot when talking about A DHD, but many moms don't realize what it actually means.
Can you break it down for us? What's really happening in the A DHD brain when everyday tasks feel so impossible to manage? executive function, is like the ability to, to start to be motivated to start to achieve tasks in different capacities.
I say executive dysfunction because we.
If people with ADHD are naturally wired to be, have executive dysfunction, and you're not ever going to naturally have executive function.
And a way to know that you have executive dysfunction is that everything you do is a task you have to actively tell yourself to do.
your brain is not wired to literally do things on repeat in routine fashion, and that's one core way.
Another is, you really struggle.
to start tasks.
Like task initiation is huge.
Like you just really struggle to get going.
You get overwhelmed with all the things.
You can't really picture the step by step process to get to the end result.
Those are really big ones.
other core things is that you really struggle to remember.
I'm going to be talking about things in the last like five minutes, like a five minute window of memory, like short term memory is a big common challenge.
Um, another way to think about it is called time blindness, where we just do not have an understanding of the proper length of time, and we think everything takes five minutes.
like, it's almost time to go, like, yeah, I'll be ready, I'll be ready in five minutes.
And really the thing you had to do takes you two hours.
And you just can't comprehend that.
Your brain just does not have a concept of time.
Or you might find that every three months or so you have a new interest.
Or hobby you want to pursue and you might go like all in that's a very common thing too to cycle through different hobbies and interests every three months another big one is sensory processing challenges.
So like sensory processing disorder, so it could be anything from taste, to sight, to sound, I mean, touch, anything, you might not have recognized that's actually what you're experiencing, but it turns out you are.
A common one for moms is sound, you cannot figure out why, but all of a sudden, you can't think straight because there's all this noise in the background, you get super angry all of a sudden, that can be an auditory processing challenge.
I say that from personal experience.
Audra.
I know many women, especially moms, go through life feeling like something just doesn't quite add up when it comes to how they experience the world.
For some an A DHD diagnosis explains a lot, but for others it seems there's still a missing piece.
You later discovered that in addition to A DHD, you are also autistic.
What led you to that realization and how did it change the way you understand yourself? So I found out about my ADHD and I was very open about it.
I just was sharing, partially it was just for me for processing, verbal external processing, which can be an ADHD trait.
shared it with my community.
all the symptoms I was learning about explained, like.
85 percent of me, and I couldn't figure out why there was still a part of me that didn't feel like it was being explained and all the work I was doing to help reduce these symptoms that were challenging me, part of me still wasn't being addressed.
I didn't know what it was yet, I could just tell that it wasn't checking all the boxes.
And then I started to suspect, about autism for women, and I was like, Maybe I, but I did not like that was like a stronger stigma.
I just did not want to deal with that.
But so it was a year and a half after my ADHD confirming with my doctor that I once again found myself in a situation where I had some downtime.
I went to a coaching conference and literally like the first morning sat down day one.
I literally feel my body like, okay, I'm here.
I can let go of like worrying about the kids and all the things I'm present.
And immediately I had this really strong thought and I know it's from God was like, You've been suspecting this I want you to consider it more sincerely and I'm literally like Okay, so I googled we're like still waiting for everything to start I literally googled symptoms of autism in women and like I checked everything It's like, uh What is this? Oh, this is a social side that I've always struggled with that wasn't computing and being explained with my ADHD.
And like later that day I told my friend who I had gone with and I was like, I think it might be autistic.
That makes sense.
And I was like so hurt because I didn't want that validate.
I had to process.
And it was a much harder thing to process because the stigma was bigger, right? Because most people think of Forrest Gump.
it took more emotional work and I had actually worked with a coach for a period of time to work through more of the emotional journey to really release the trauma that I realized was even more intense through all my social interactions my masking was even more heavy from all that.
It explained all these things I thought was ADHD and a good chunk of it was actually my autism.
it was bigger than me, like I couldn't just do this myself, like there's no amount of research was going to solve what I needed to release from the trauma I had experienced, all the micro traumas my entire life, which is normal when you're living in a neurotypical world, and especially if you don't know these challenges you have, and it's not set up to support you that even unintentionally, you just experience micro traumas your entire life.
And that's very common for neurodivergent people, people with disabilities of any kind or challenges, right? It's not set up for you.
You're going to experience trauma, whether it's intentional or not.
So I'm validating all those right now who are thinking this.
I'm like, I'm validating you.
If you're like, I've had really, it is very much okay to think you've experienced traumas your entire life.
I'm just putting that out there for the listeners.
Um, cause it's true.
I was at the conference for multiple days and I was like a safe space to like, try out this part of me.
And so I introduced myself as autistic to people and it was so interesting because it's a safe space.
I didn't know these people, right? So I could like kind of see how it went to like the different kind of responses.
I immediately got like, you don't look autistic or wow, I wouldn't have known based on how and just those kinds of things.
And then I was, went home and started with that with my husband to his credit, which is normal response, he, I didn't want to take on that label without an official diagnosis, again, because of the stigma.
And I don't blame him because everyone has a much stronger stigma with this than ADHD.
So, I also, but then I took it personally, like, wait a second.
You don't think that they, right, so it's a little bit of a rough patch.
It's not like he loved me any less.
It's just both of us trying to process what this means.
Um, I did have to work with a coach for about four or five months Um, it's the most, the key things that have helped is the education.
it's been very interesting to learn that a massive wave of women, once COVID hit, we went into lockdown.
were diagnosed with ADHD because that was the first time in years that they had to be in their own environment.
ADHD then all these symptoms that they had been pushing down were magnified because of the environment they were in consistently So a ton of women have been diagnosed with ADHD since COVID.
Since then, a very large amount of those same women have been also diagnosed with autism.
it's confusing because There's so many symptoms that overlap The fact that I have both is totally normal.
Okay.
Yeah.
And it turns out my other two sisters also have ADHD and are autistic.
And all three of my brothers Our ADHD, and two of my brothers are autistic, and no one talked about it.
I was the first one to mention it, and almost all of them knew that about themselves.
But no one ever said anything to the rest of the family, because the stigmas, then they didn't understand and know the science that like, it's hereditary, now my family's like more open about it for the first time as adults.
But it turns out all of us have all had it our entire lives.
I think so many of us can relate to feeling overstimulated, like when the kids are talking at the same time, the TV is blaring and suddenly someone starts playing with a loud toy right next to your ear.
But for moms with a DHD, that sensory overload isn't just annoying.
It can be completely overwhelming.
I've heard that a DHD brains process sounds differently and that things like background noise or too much stimulation can feel, ugh, almost unbearable.
Can you explain what happens and what that looks like for you? One of my core things is my sensory processing disorder.
And mine is very much audio, huge sensory overwhelm to specific sounds.
when those sounds happen, I've always been super triggered and overwhelmed.
it's overstimulation that occurs.
then my brain can't function anymore.
And I'm just out of it, which can turn into fight responses, anger, cause your brain's like, wait, I'm not safe.
I can't function normally.
I need to take care of myself.
So I'll fight the AK yell at my kids if they're making too much noise.
I'm responsible for that.
I know that's me now, not my kids being noisy.
I'm the one who knows I have a hypersensitivity to that.
And it's my job to see how I can manage that versus making other people miserable.
So there's certain tools that I've.
Acquired like earplugs, but they actually have a little hole in them and they have different levels to where they can reduce the decibels coming in I've tried them out over a year ago and I love them anytime I leave my house, they're in my ears.
It's not even an option anymore.
I do want to add in that people who are autistic or people who have sensory processing disorder, the information that comes into your brain is the overstimulation is so common because we're receiving.
Everything.
And our brain doesn't filter it for us.
So sound, I don't just hear a person talking to me, I hear a person talking to me and five other conversations and the electrical running in the wall and the chef yelling at the person in the back kitchen.
So like going on a date night with my husband, I can't even hear my husband cause my brain is literally hearing everyone's conversations.
So the tool I use, literally helps.
Reduce that.
And I still hear, but it's super muffled and I literally can focus and receive.
I understand that I need that level of support in order to function at my best.
my home is set up to support me, not the opposite.
making those choices that support me reducing challenging symptoms and enhancing the parts of me that are doing great is the most ideal thing I can do in what I try to teach.
Those I support to do as well on their individual cases.
Audra, one of the things I absolutely love about your story is how you've embraced both the A DHD and the autism.
Not just privately, but as part of how you introduce yourself to the world.
So many women struggle with feeling like they have to hide their differences or mask to fit in, but you've found freedom in being seen for who you truly are.
what has that shift meant for you and how has it changed the way that you interact with others? I.
I love that I have the capacity to be more aware of opportunities to serve others.
I Also love that.
I'm so comfortable with who I am That I openly actually introduce myself as autistic with ADHD when I meet new people to allow for the space for me to show up fully instead of me trying to show up how they would expect me to show up neurotypically, I don't have the capacity to mask anymore.
That was survival mode for so long.
They can't see my brain and they are expecting me to show up a certain way socially based on social etiquette.
And I'm just like, Here I am, I can also recognize now, when I go the route that's not neurotypical, I can actually call it out on myself, like, oh yeah, I know I just went really kind of funky and said things that aren't maybe socially acceptable, and we all have a good laugh, and I'm not embarrassed, because I'm like, my brain just did that, versus there's embarrassment there and shame and awkwardness.
Like I'm able to just own it and I'm fine with it because that's who I am.
And this is how I was made and how I meant to be and how I can show up and be an example for others to be themselves and be comfortable with it and help them to embrace how they're wired instead of trying to do something that they're not.
Audrey, so many moms feel like they're constantly trying to fit into a system that just wasn't built for them.
And the more I learn about Neurodivergence, the more I realize it's not that something is wrong with individuals, it's that the world.
Isn't really set up to support different ways of thinking and functioning.
how can understanding this shift our perspective? And what role does self-compassion play in learning to thrive within a system that often feels like it's working against us? the majority of the world is neurodivergent, not neurotypical, and we have it backwards as far as how our societies are set up.
be compassionate with yourself because most likely you've been very hard on yourself your entire life.
just trying to not stand out or, you know, try to fit in better because you recognize there are things about you that are struggles and you're like, why is this harder for me than someone else? And you're probably put yourself down or whatever that negative self talk unfortunately came in.
And to start with that is just to start caring for yourself with love.
just to start loving yourself and recognizing I have been doing the best I can Audra, I wanna take a moment to acknowledge the incredible work you're doing.
Not only have you navigated your own journey with a DHD and autism, but you've also created a space where other women can feel seen.
Understood and empowered.
That takes so much courage, wisdom, and heart.
And I know that even the strongest, most purpose-driven women still face challenges right now in this season.
What's the biggest challenge that you're working through and how are you navigating it? My consistent biggest challenge is the autistic side with the need for a routine.
So every two weeks, I leave my home that I've set up entirely to support all of my needs, and I go to my husband's home and stay there for two weeks, and his home is set up for how he and his kids like it, and it's very much the opposite of how I function, I'm very much thrown off, and it's really hard to adapt, and I have to put more effort into being productive and getting things done.
And it's not, they're not trying to help, but I'm not asking them to change everything for me.
I'm trying to figure out what that middle ground is to adapt.
my consistent challenge is every two weeks my routine changes and my autistic self does not like that.
we recognized that in order for it to be successful for our kids not being forced into anything else, That we would be the ones who would do the sacrifice of transitioning back and forth, so they can continue to live as normal within their already rotating two households as it is between their parents.
We really love each other and we want our kids to see that there's so many different ways it's possible to have a healthy, happy life in relationships.
So As a woman who has been there, done that in the midst of doing that, what's One little gem that you would like to leave with, moms? Um, I want to help people reframe, when we hear we need to take care of ourselves first, but we're given the example of the air masks dropping from airplanes in crisis situations only.
I want to replace that with the concept of being a tall vase in that you pour into yourself, which is the vase and you fill yourself up so much that you overflow into the others around you without tipping over and sacrificing yourself.
And that to me has been the game changer and showing up in my life and feeling like I'm thriving even with all that I have going on because I take care of myself on a daily basis now.
without sacrificing those I love.
Audrey, you've shared so much wisdom today about A DHD autism and creating a life that actually works for a neurodivergent mom.
I know you also have an amazing free resource that can help moms take the next step.
Can you tell us about it and how they can get their hands on it? Regardless if you identify with anything I said about being ADHD or not, just a person who needs to take care of themselves, I do have a free resource called The Thriving Queen Self Care Routine Blueprint.
And it helps you learn a lot of different ways to holistically take care of yourself, but instead of it being cookie cutter, it helps you figure out, different ways to apply trying a little thing, that make sense to help you start.
Pouring into yourself a little bit every single day not only the importance of but how to do it in a sustainable way And you can get that for free at my website thriving queen coaching comm slash self care routine all one long word you can actually like print it off and use it It has all the things to help support you.
So to go anywhere else for that information.
I will share the link to that self-care routine blueprint in the show notes as well.
Just so you know, this is a reoccurring theme for young moms.
The last two interviews I hosted with moms, both have worked hard to figure out their own self-care routine and what works for them and their lifestyle and personality.
Those are episodes 41 with Lauren Wittig and 45 with Katie Welch.
If you'd like to listen and hear how other moms are actually making it happen, Audra, I've learned a ton from our conversation today.
I have become very aware of some things and feel more educated and empowered to, do the research and find the resources that I need to show up as a better me.
So thank you, so much for being with us.
What if somebody wants to get in touch with you you can go to my website, thrivingqueencoaching.
com.
I also.
Um, live on Instagram, you can DM me directly, at thriving queen coaching on Instagram.
Or you can email me at info at thriving queen coaching.
com even if I'm not working together, I can still support you on your journey and point you towards some resources to help you start with where you're at.
Wow, what an incredible conversation.
audra, thanks so much for sharing your story and wisdom today, this has been so helpful.
I know so many moms who are walking away today with practical steps to manage their minds, their homes, and their lives better.
Ladies, if you've loved this conversation.
Share this episode with a mom friend who needs it.
Let's spread the encouragement.
And don't forget, if you want to bring more order and peace to your home, grab your copy of the Chaos to Calm chore chart Just go to Mom to mom mentoring.com.
Chores.
and mom.
You don't have to do this alone if you're ready for a personalized strategy that fits your strengths and your values, book a clarity call with me.
Let's discover, define and develop the right system and strategy that will bring peace into your home.
In our call, we can explore your values, your strengths, and what's keeping you stuck so you can begin to build a system that doesn't just look good on paper, But actually works for you, Let's live powerfully lead with purpose and love with intention without the burnout.
take a deep breath.
You've got this.
Until next time, keep shining.