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311. Why You Go Quiet Under Pressure | The Withdrawal Pattern · The Kathie Owen Perspective Podcast

• 0:00
  Kathie (2): Imagine standing on a tightrope.
• 0:02
  Kathie (2): You're high above the ground.
• 0:03
  Kathie (2): There is nothing underneath you but air.
• 0:07
  Kathie (2): Everything is going well.
• 0:08
  Kathie (2): Your breathing is steady.
• 0:10
  Kathie (2): Your arms are open.
• 0:11
  Kathie (2): You're moving forward, and then the rope moves just a little.
• 0:17
  Kathie (2): What do you do?
• 0:18
  Kathie (2): You probably don't start running.
• 0:21
  Kathie (2): You don't make bigger movements.
• 0:23
  Kathie (2): You might get smaller.
• 0:24
  Kathie (2): You might tighten up.
• 0:26
  Kathie (2): You focus.
• 0:27
  Kathie (2): You may even stop moving altogether.
• 0:30
  Kathie (2): But suddenly, your brain isn't thinking about where you're going.
• 0:34
  Kathie (2): It's thinking about one thing: don't fall.
• 0:38
  Kathie (2): And human beings do something very similar when we're under pressure.
• 0:43
  Kathie (2): We withdraw, not because we're weak, not because we're bad leaders, not because something is wrong with us, because sometimes when life feels unstable, our automatic response is to reduce our exposure.
• 0:57
  Kathie (2): We stop talking, we stop asking, we stop engaging.
• 1:01
  Kathie (2): We pull back, and sometimes we don't even realize we're doing it.
• 1:05
  Kathie (2): That's what we're talking about today.
• 1:09
  Kathie (2): Welcome to the Kathie Owen Perspective Podcast.
• 1:12
  Kathie (2): My name is Kathie Owen, and I study human patterns under pressure, especially the behaviors that become visible when leaders, teams, founders, and organizations face uncertainty, conflict, change, and high-stakes transitions.
• 1:29
  Kathie (2): And one of the patterns I see is withdrawal.
• 1:33
  Kathie (2): This episode is part of my Human Patterns Under Pressure series, where we're looking at seven common patterns that can show up when pressure enters the room.
• 1:42
  Kathie (2): And today, we're meeting the tightrope walker.
• 1:46
  Kathie (2): And if you've ever gone quiet during an argument, avoided an uncomfortable email, delayed a hard decision, disappeared into your work, or told someone,"I'm fine," when you're absolutely were not fine, you've probably walked this tightrope, too.
• 2:04
  Kathie (2): I know I sure have.
• 2:05
  Kathie (2): But these patterns are human.
• 2:08
  Kathie (2): So what is withdrawal?
• 2:10
  Kathie (2): When people hear the word withdrawal, they often picture somebody physically leaving, walking out, closing the door, going home.
• 2:18
  Kathie (2): But withdrawal can happen without moving an inch.
• 2:21
  Kathie (2): You can withdraw while sitting at the conference table.
• 2:25
  Kathie (2): You can withdraw while looking directly at someone.
• 2:28
  Kathie (2): You can withdraw while smiling.
• 2:31
  Kathie (2): You can even withdraw while continuing to do your job very well.
• 2:36
  Kathie (2): Withdrawal is often much quieter than we think.
• 2:40
  Kathie (2): It might sound like,"I don't care,""Whatever,""It's fine,""Let's talk about it later,""I just need more time," or nothing at all.
• 2:51
  Kathie (2): Sometimes it looks like procrastination.
• 2:54
  Kathie (2): Sometimes it looks like avoiding eye contact.
• 2:57
  Kathie (2): Sometimes it's not returning the phone call.
• 3:00
  Kathie (2): Sometimes it's taking three days to answer an email that makes you uncomfortable.
• 3:05
  Kathie (2): Sometimes it's burying yourself in work because numbers feel safer than people.
• 3:10
  Kathie (2): Sometimes it's sitting through an entire meeting without saying the thing you know needs to be said.
• 3:17
  Kathie (2): And sometimes withdrawal looks so calm from the outside that people mistake it for emotional regulation.
• 3:25
  Kathie (2): But silence and presence are not always the same thing.
• 3:29
  Kathie (2): That's important.
• 3:31
  Kathie (2): A person can look perfectly calm while their internal system is screaming,"Don't say anything.
• 3:37
  Kathie (2): Don't make this worse.
• 3:38
  Kathie (2): Just get through this." That's withdrawal Why the tightrope walker?
• 3:45
  Kathie (2): Well, I love the tightrope walker as an image for this pattern because think about what happens when someone is walking across a tightrope.
• 3:55
  Kathie (2): Balance matters.
• 3:56
  Kathie (2): Every movement matters.
• 3:58
  Kathie (2): The higher the perceived danger becomes, the more carefully that person moves.
• 4:03
  Kathie (2): That's what we can do emotionally.
• 4:07
  Kathie (2): When everything feels stable, we're open.
• 4:09
  Kathie (2): We communicate.
• 4:10
  Kathie (2): We take risks.
• 4:11
  Kathie (2): We ask questions.
• 4:12
  Kathie (2): We disagree.
• 4:13
  Kathie (2): We tell people what we're thinking.
• 4:15
  Kathie (2): But when the emotional rope starts shaking, our world can get very small.
• 4:21
  Kathie (2): Maybe your boss criticizes your work.
• 4:24
  Kathie (2): The rope moves.
• 4:26
  Kathie (2): Maybe your business partner questions a decision.
• 4:29
  Kathie (2): The rope moves.
• 4:31
  Kathie (2): Maybe your company is being acquired.
• 4:34
  Kathie (2): The rope moves.
• 4:36
  Kathie (2): Maybe someone you love says,"We need to talk." Oh, boy.
• 4:40
  Kathie (2): The rope really moves, and suddenly we're not thinking about connection.
• 4:44
  Kathie (2): We're thinking about survival.
• 4:47
  Kathie (2): Don't fall.
• 4:48
  Kathie (2): Don't say the wrong thing.
• 4:49
  Kathie (2): Don't make them angry.
• 4:50
  Kathie (2): Don't look foolish.
• 4:51
  Kathie (2): Don't lose the deal.
• 4:53
  Kathie (2): Don't lose the relationship.
• 4:55
  Kathie (2): Don't lose control.
• 4:57
  Kathie (2): So, we reduce movement.
• 5:01
  Kathie (2): We reduce exposure.
• 5:03
  Kathie (2): We withdraw.
• 5:05
  Kathie (2): Withdrawal can look responsible, and this is where the pattern becomes especially interesting in leadership because withdrawal doesn't always look dysfunctional.
• 5:16
  Kathie (2): It can look very responsible.
• 5:19
  Kathie (2): Imagine a leadership team discussing a serious problem.
• 5:22
  Kathie (2): Everyone is waiting for the CEO to make the decision.
• 5:25
  Kathie (2): The CEO says,"I want to gather a little more information." That could be wisdom, or it could be withdrawal.
• 5:34
  Kathie (2): We don't know yet.
• 5:35
  Kathie (2): A founder might say,"Let's revisit this next quarter." Maybe that's strategic, or maybe the founder cannot tolerate what this decision represents.
• 5:46
  Kathie (2): An executive might become incredibly busy during a difficult transition.
• 5:51
  Kathie (2): Everyone thinks,"Wow, she's working harder than ever," but maybe work has become the hiding place.
• 5:59
  Kathie (2): This is why I don't like labeling people by behavior alone.
• 6:03
  Kathie (2): The observer asks another question,"What's happening underneath the behavior?" Walking away isn't always withdrawal.
• 6:13
  Kathie (2): This distinction matters.
• 6:15
  Kathie (2): Sometimes walking away is the healthiest thing you can do.
• 6:18
  Kathie (2): Imagine two people leaving the exact same difficult conversation.
• 6:23
  Kathie (2): One person leaves because the emotions feel unbearable.
• 6:26
  Kathie (2): He avoids the conversation for three weeks.
• 6:29
  Kathie (2): He doesn't answer messages.
• 6:31
  Kathie (2): He hopes the problem disappears.
• 6:33
  Kathie (2): The second person notices that the conversation has become reactive.
• 6:38
  Kathie (2): She says,"We aren't going to solve this well right now.
• 6:42
  Kathie (2): Let's come back tomorrow morning." And she does.
• 6:45
  Kathie (2): Same behavior.
• 6:47
  Kathie (2): Both people walked away.
• 6:48
  Kathie (2): Completely different pattern.
• 6:50
  Kathie (2): One person disappeared from discomfort.
• 6:53
  Kathie (2): The other created space intentionally.
• 6:58
  Kathie (2): That is why observation matters.
• 7:00
  Kathie (2): The question isn't simply,"Did I leave?" The better question is,"Did I choose to step away, or did I automatically disappear?" There's a huge difference.
• 7:11
  Kathie (2): Attachment makes the rope shake.
• 7:14
  Kathie (2): Now let's add another layer, attachment.
• 7:18
  Kathie (2): When we're attached to a certain outcome, every movement of the rope can feel dangerous.
• 7:23
  Kathie (2): I need them to agree with me.
• 7:25
  Kathie (2): I need this deal to happen.
• 7:27
  Kathie (2): I need my employee to understand me.
• 7:29
  Kathie (2): I need this person to like me.
• 7:30
  Kathie (2): I need this conversation to go well.
• 7:32
  Kathie (2): I need to be right.
• 7:34
  Kathie (2): I need to know what's going to happen next.
• 7:36
  Kathie (2): Look at all those needs.
• 7:40
  Kathie (2): Now imagine carrying every one of them across a tightrope.
• 7:43
  Kathie (2): No wonder we're tense.
• 7:45
  Kathie (2): Attachment makes every wobble mean something.
• 7:48
  Kathie (2): A disagreement isn't just a disagreement anymore.
• 7:51
  Kathie (2): It means I might lose something.
• 7:53
  Kathie (2): A question isn't just a question.
• 7:55
  Kathie (2): It means maybe they don't trust me.
• 7:58
  Kathie (2): Feedback isn't just information, it means maybe I'm failing.
• 8:04
  Kathie (2): Now our nervous system has a reason to pull back.
• 8:07
  Kathie (2): Non-attachment doesn't mean we stop caring.
• 8:10
  Kathie (2): It doesn't mean becoming cold.
• 8:13
  Kathie (2): It doesn't mean giving up.
• 8:15
  Kathie (2): It means loosening our grip on what we believe must happen.
• 8:20
  Kathie (2): I can want the conversation to go well without demanding that it does.
• 8:25
  Kathie (2): I can want the deal without making my identity depend on the deal.
• 8:29
  Kathie (2): I can want someone to understand me without needing to force understanding.
• 8:35
  Kathie (2): That gives us room on the rope.
• 8:38
  Kathie (2): Awareness creates choice.
• 8:41
  Kathie (2): So what do we do when we notice ourselves withdrawing?
• 8:45
  Kathie (2): First, we don't shame ourselves.
• 8:47
  Kathie (2): That's important.
• 8:48
  Kathie (2): Remember, these are human patterns, not robot patterns.
• 8:53
  Kathie (2): I do them, you do them, every leader does them, every person does them.
• 8:58
  Kathie (2): The goal isn't to become a human being who never withdraws.
• 9:03
  Kathie (2): The goal is to recognize when the pattern has taken over.
• 9:07
  Kathie (2): That's awareness.
• 9:09
  Kathie (2): Maybe you notice I'm avoiding the email.
• 9:12
  Kathie (2): I'm getting really quiet.
• 9:14
  Kathie (2): I'm putting this decision off again.
• 9:16
  Kathie (2): I'm pretending I don't care.
• 9:19
  Kathie (2): I'm staying busy, so I don't have to think about this.
• 9:22
  Kathie (2): I'm waiting for somebody else to bring it up.
• 9:25
  Kathie (2): That's it.
• 9:26
  Kathie (2): You don't need to fix anything yet.
• 9:29
  Kathie (2): Just notice, because awareness creates a tiny space between what happened and what you do next, and inside that space is choice.
• 9:41
  Kathie (2): Radical responsibility on the tightrope, and this is where radical responsibility enters the picture.
• 9:48
  Kathie (2): Radical responsibility is not blame.
• 9:51
  Kathie (2): It isn't,"This is all my fault." It's much more powerful than that.
• 9:55
  Kathie (2): It says,"This is my pattern.
• 9:58
  Kathie (2): What do I want to do with it?" Maybe somebody else did shake the rope.
• 10:03
  Kathie (2): Maybe they behaved badly.
• 10:04
  Kathie (2): Maybe the situation is unfair.
• 10:07
  Kathie (2): Maybe you didn't create the pressure at all, but your response belongs to you.
• 10:12
  Kathie (2): That's where your power lives.
• 10:14
  Kathie (2): You cannot always control who shakes the rope.
• 10:18
  Kathie (2): You can learn to observe what happens inside you when it moves.
• 10:22
  Kathie (2): That is radical responsibility.
• 10:26
  Kathie (2): And then comes courage.
• 10:28
  Kathie (2): Now we get to my favorite part of the tightrope walker, courage.
• 10:34
  Kathie (2): Because courage is not the absence of fear.
• 10:37
  Kathie (2): Look at somebody standing fifty feet above the ground on a wire.
• 10:41
  Kathie (2): Fear would make perfect sense.
• 10:43
  Kathie (2): Courage is the willingness to take the next intentional step anyway.
• 10:49
  Kathie (2): Sometimes courage means speaking.
• 10:51
  Kathie (2): "I disagree.
• 10:52
  Kathie (2): I need clarification.
• 10:54
  Kathie (2): Something isn't working here.
• 10:55
  Kathie (2): I don't know.
• 10:56
  Kathie (2): I need help." Sometimes courage means staying in the room when your old pattern tells you to disappear.
• 11:03
  Kathie (2): Sometimes courage means asking the question you've been afraid to ask.
• 11:07
  Kathie (2): Sometimes courage means allowing someone to misunderstand you.
• 11:12
  Kathie (2): And yes, sometimes courage means leaving.
• 11:17
  Kathie (2): But this time you're not leaving because your pattern made the decision.
• 11:20
  Kathie (2): You're leaving because you did.
• 11:23
  Kathie (2): That's different.
• 11:26
  Kathie (2): Power, presence, and peace.
• 11:28
  Kathie (2): This is where awareness begins to change everything.
• 11:31
  Kathie (2): Awareness creates choice.
• 11:33
  Kathie (2): Choice creates power because I'm no longer completely controlled by my automatic response.
• 11:40
  Kathie (2): Choice creates presence because instead of disappearing into the story in my head, I can remain with what is actually happening.
• 11:49
  Kathie (2): And choice creates peace.
• 11:52
  Kathie (2): Not because everything around me suddenly becomes peaceful.
• 11:56
  Kathie (2): The rope may still be moving.
• 11:58
  Kathie (2): The acquisition is still happening.
• 12:00
  Kathie (2): The difficult conversation still needs to happen.
• 12:03
  Kathie (2): The numbers are still the numbers.
• 12:05
  Kathie (2): The other person may still disagree.
• 12:08
  Kathie (2): Peace doesn't require the rope to stop moving.
• 12:11
  Kathie (2): Peace comes from knowing I can remain present while it moves.
• 12:17
  Kathie (2): Power, presence, peace.
• 12:20
  Kathie (2): That's what happens when the observer steps onto the tightrope.
• 12:27
  Kathie (2): So here's something I'd like you to try.
• 12:29
  Kathie (2): Don't try to stop withdrawing.
• 12:31
  Kathie (2): Just watch for it.
• 12:33
  Kathie (2): Notice the little moments.
• 12:34
  Kathie (2): When do you become quiet?
• 12:36
  Kathie (2): What conversations do you postpone?
• 12:38
  Kathie (2): What emails sit unanswered?
• 12:41
  Kathie (2): Where do you suddenly become too busy?
• 12:45
  Kathie (2): When do you say,"I don't care," when you actually care very much?
• 12:49
  Kathie (2): When do you physically stay in the room, but emotionally leave it?
• 12:54
  Kathie (2): And when you notice it, don't judge it.
• 12:56
  Kathie (2): Just say,"Interesting.
• 12:58
  Kathie (2): There's the tightrope walker.
• 13:00
  Kathie (2): What feels unstable right now?
• 13:03
  Kathie (2): What am I afraid could happen?
• 13:04
  Kathie (2): What outcome am I attached to?" And then ask one more question:"What would I choose if I didn't have to protect myself from this moment?" Maybe you speak.
• 13:16
  Kathie (2): Maybe you wait.
• 13:17
  Kathie (2): Maybe you ask a question.
• 13:18
  Kathie (2): Maybe you stay.
• 13:19
  Kathie (2): Maybe you leave.
• 13:21
  Kathie (2): The answer isn't the point.
• 13:23
  Kathie (2): The choice is.
• 13:25
  Kathie (2): Because Human Patterns Under Pressure isn't about getting rid of the human part of us.
• 13:31
  Kathie (2): It's about becoming more aware to recognize our patterns before they make every decision for us.
• 13:39
  Kathie (2): The tightrope walker will probably always be part of the circus.
• 13:43
  Kathie (2): That's okay.
• 13:44
  Kathie (2): She knows something about balance.
• 13:46
  Kathie (2): She knows something about fear, and she definitely knows something about courage.
• 13:51
  Kathie (2): The goal isn't to never feel the rope move.
• 13:54
  Kathie (2): The goal is to know you're on it.
• 13:57
  Kathie (2): Observe what's happening, find your balance, and choose your next step.
• 14:02
  Kathie (2): Because awareness creates choice, and choice creates power, presence, and peace.
• 14:09
  Kathie (2): My name is Kathie Owen.
• 14:11
  Kathie (2): Thank you for joining me on the Kathie Owen Perspective podcast.
• 14:15
  Kathie (2): And remember, pressure doesn't always create the pattern.
• 14:18
  Kathie (2): Sometimes pressure simply makes visible what was already there.