Latest / Play Therapy Podcast: A Master-Class in Child-Centered Play Therapy / 417 | Expectancy, Not Expectations: The Heart of Unconditional Acceptance in CCPT

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417 | Expectancy, Not Expectations: The Heart of Unconditional Acceptance in CCPT · Play Therapy Podcast: A Master-Class in Child-Centered Play Therapy

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.
• 0:08
  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get
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  a master class in child-centered play therapy
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  and practical support and application for your
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  work with children and their families.
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  Today's episode,
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  I am answering a question from John in Maryland.
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  Different John than last time.
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  We've had a lot of John's emailing lately.
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  Hello to the Johns out there.
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  I appreciate y'all.
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  So,
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  this is about what to do when a child makes something in your playroom
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  and how to handle that,
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  you know,
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  just some thoughts on the process of
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  when a child is working on a project per se.
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  Does that stay in the playroom?
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  Does it go home,
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  etc.
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  etc.
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  So,
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  really helpful question,
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  John.
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  Thank you.
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  I,
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  I actually,
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  I'm realizing that it says our staff.
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  So,
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  John and staff,
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  this is for y'all.
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  Thanks for the question.
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  Before I dive in,
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  Hey,
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  I wanted to let y'all know,
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  I know I've been talking about the live events
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  and some people have been asking questions about the content,
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  so I felt like it would be helpful to let y'all know.
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  So,
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  the Indiana event outside of Indy
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  and the New Jersey event in New Brunswick,
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  that's gonna be exactly the same content.
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  So,
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  if you're closer to Indy,
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  you're closer to Jersey,
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  you're gonna get the same exact content regardless of where you go.
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  The Field of Dreams event is going to be completely different content.
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  So,
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  the Tampa event
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  in January of 2027,
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  different content,
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  Indy and Jersey,
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  same exact content,
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  and it's completely new.
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  I've never taught it before,
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  new
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  CEU stuff just for this event.
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  Well,
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  these two events,
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  I suppose.
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  And it's going to be the why
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  behind
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  what we do in the model.
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  And if we don't understand why the skills exist and the purpose that they serve,
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  we will never achieve mastery.
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  So,
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  kind of a higher level
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  CCPT
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  why behind the model kind of
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  weekend.
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  So,
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  really excited about that VIP event on Friday,
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  conference on Saturday,
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  and
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  we are doing
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  a podcast meetup
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  in Jersey on the 18th.
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  So,
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  that means you,
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  since you're listening to the podcast as we speak,
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  on October 18th,
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  we're gonna do a podcast meetup.
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  So,
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  if you're able to get there,
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  I would love to have you.
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  So,
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  check the show notes.
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  You'll be able to RSVP for that.
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  There's a meetup in Seattle and Denver as well.
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  show notes for that.
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  Come to the event,
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  show notes for that.
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  Just go to the show notes,
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  the moral of that story.
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  OK.
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  So,
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  let me read parts of the question and then we will tackle this together.
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  Thanks so much,
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  so much for all the help and direction you've shared on your podcast.
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  Y'all are very welcome.
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  Our staff is wondering if you allow children to
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  take projects home that they do in session.
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  For example,
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  pictures that they color or paint or craft projects that they do.
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  Some children want to color or paint pictures to give or show to their family.
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  What principles should help guide us in this?
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  That's question one.
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  Now,
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  we'll tackle the second one.
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  It seems that sometimes a child feels the need to spend quite a
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  bit of time in doing things like I described to take home.
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  Does that detract from the child using the time
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  in CCPT in a better way?
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  Or what about the responses they get from home
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  with parents or siblings that may be negative?
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  So,
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  I guess technically that's kind of 3 questions,
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  but two are related.
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  So,
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  we'll tackle each one.
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  All right,
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  the first one.
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  It is a pretty standard expectation in a child-centered playroom
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  that if the child makes something.
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  So,
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  not that they use materials in the playroom
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  that are meant for staying in the playroom.
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  So they might make a Lego creation,
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  but Legos are for staying in the room.
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  They might build a tower with blocks,
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  but the blocks are for staying in the room.
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  They might build a marble maze,
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  but the marble maze is for staying in the room.
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  So
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  we're talking about an actual project of crafting materials.
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  So painting,
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  drawing,
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  coloring.
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  Making something out of your paper towel tubes
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  and your toilet paper tubes and all that.
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  Something that they construct,
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  if you will,
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  out of craft materials.
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  One of the very important components of a CCPT playroom is we do not keep and display
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  what kids make in the playroom.
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  So,
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  I see that actually more regularly than I wish were the case.
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  A lot of CCPTs will display
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  what kids make
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  in their playroom.
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  And that goes against everything CCPT is about.
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  Landreth talks about
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  what a child makes
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  in a session.
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  is equivalent to
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  their psychotherapy notes.
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  That was their work.
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  That was their.
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  Demonstration and elaboration and communication
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  of what they are working through,
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  what's going on for them,
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  that's personal and private,
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  and to put that on display in
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  the playroom is a violation of confidentiality,
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  2,
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  It keeps the playroom.
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  In a non-neutral state.
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  In other words,
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  another kid comes in
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  and they see
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  that
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  something else made something
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  that can be swaying.
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  It can be competitive.
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  It can be jealousy.
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  It can be convincing
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  like,
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  oh well,
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  they made that,
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  watch this.
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  I'm going to make this,
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  and now all of a sudden we're in this spiral
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  where
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  kids are coming in and the playroom is no longer theirs.
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  The whole premise of CCPT
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  is.
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  Every child that comes in,
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  they believe and view the playroom as theirs because it is.
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  You don't want artwork on the walls.
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  You don't want decorations up.
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  You don't want,
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  when I say artwork,
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  that's probably
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  double meaning.
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  We don't want a child's artwork.
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  We also don't want artwork that you buy in a store.
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  You don't want paintings on the wall.
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  You don't want sayings on the wall.
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  You don't want a mural on the wall.
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  Why?
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  Because now the child can't make it theirs.
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  You've made it yours.
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  And so the premise of a CCPT playroom is that
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  it's bare and neutral on purpose.
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  So we're never going to,
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  even if a child asks,
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  we're never going to keep artwork in the playroom.
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  So,
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  I needed to make that very clear.
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  As far as what if they want to take it home.
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  That is up to them.
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  They get to choose whether they take it home or whether you can keep it.
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  So for us,
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  we have paper notes.
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  So it's very easy for me to put something that the child makes in the folder,
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  and I keep it for the child.
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  And that just stays in their file.
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  If they choose to take it home,
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  it's an empowerment choice that you can give.
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  Oh,
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  you made that and you'd like to keep it.
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  You can choose for me to keep it for you or you can choose to take it home with you.
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  Which do you choose?
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  And
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  the impression
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  that parents need to have
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  is that what they bring out
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  is
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  part of their work.
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  And this is something that we discuss ahead of time when we first meet with parents,
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  for example,
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  when we set expectations of
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  when the child finishes their play session
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  and they come out to the lobby,
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  a parent does not say,
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  Did you have fun?
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  We have to coach parents on that because
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  that's a standard question that they ask
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  kids whenever they've been apart from them.
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  They get home from school.
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  Did you have fun at school?
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  They get back from baseball and they say,
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  did you have fun at practice?
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  That's a standard
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  parenting response.
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  They don't know any better.
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  And we certainly don't ever want a child to be asked if they had fun in play therapy
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  because,
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  first of all,
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  we don't ask kids questions.
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  That's just a,
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  a principle of CCPT.
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  Second of all,
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  play therapy is not fun.
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  And it's not supposed to be fun,
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  and that puts a child in a very awkward position because
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  when they're dealing with their junk
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  and all their stuff's coming up,
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  that's not pleasant at all,
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  certainly not fun.
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  And what's a kid supposed to lie and say,
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  yeah,
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  it was fun when it wasn't,
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  or are they supposed to say,
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  no,
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  it wasn't fun,
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  and then a parent goes,
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  why not?
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  And then it just evolves into this whole conversation that shouldn't be happening.
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  So
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  likewise,
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  when we help parents understand what to say,
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  when they
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  Meet a child in the lobby after a play session,
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  we also help them understand how to respond
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  if a child brings something home.
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  And likely that means that we have to help them understand that we don't
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  use praise,
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  meaning evaluative words.
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  And we don't pry and poke into what they did and why and what,
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  what is this and what did you draw here and
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  it's just a neutral factual acknowledgment.
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  Oh,
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  you made something and you're bringing it home.
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  But again,
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  that has to be set as expectations when we first meet with parents.
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  So,
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  I think that kind of answers your third question as
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  well as your first because they were kind of related.
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  They absolutely can choose to take stuff home.
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  We also absolutely have to help parents understand
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  how to respond to those kinds of things.
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  And then that would address the what if
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  they get negative responses from their family.
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  They wouldn't
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  if we've already discussed that
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  and helped parents understand how to remain neutral
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  and just factual about anything that
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  comes up from therapy.
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  Sometimes kids will say what happened in therapy as well.
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  Sometimes they're driving home and they'll say,
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  I played basketball with Ms.
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  Brenna today.
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  A parent should
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  know how to respond to that.
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  And that comes from that initial parent
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  consultation that you set expectations and you're clear
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  on giving them some scripts
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  on how to engage
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  and things like that.
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  OK,
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  so now let's tackle the final question.
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  Our staff sometimes thinks that the child feels the need to spend
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  quite a bit of time in doing things like I described.
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  Does that detract from the child using the time and CCPT in a better way?
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  All right,
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  so,
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  I,
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  I'm going to
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  tread gently here,
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  but I'm gonna call out the notion of this question,
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  and here's why.
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  The way the child chooses to spend their time in CCPT.
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  Is the way
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  that they spend their time in CCPT.
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  There's no worse way,
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  better way,
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  ideal way,
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  terrible way.
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  They just sat there the whole time.
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  I hate that word so much.
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  We,
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  that question is all kinds of agenda driven,
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  and I know y'all don't mean for it to be,
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  but to say,
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  should they be spending it in a different way,
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  there's no shoulds in CCPT.
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  There's no better way to spend their time.
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  What the child does when they come in is exactly what they need to do.
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  And the unconditional acceptance says
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  whether you draw the whole time,
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  whether you
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  do nothing the whole time,
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  whether you speak the whole time,
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  whether you don't say a word the whole time,
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  whether you lay down and fall asleep,
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  whether you jump around like a banshee,
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  whether you,
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  whatever it is.
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  That's exactly what the child needed to do
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  because it comes back to we trust the child.
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  The child knows what they need to work on.
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  They know the pace in which they can work on it.
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  They know the way they need to work on it.
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  So the kids that come in
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  and spend quite a bit of time doing craft projects,
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  it's therapeutically valuable.
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  It's necessary.
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  It's important.
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  There's no
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  more valuable thing they should have been doing.
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  When they're ready to move on to something else and do other work,
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  they will,
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  but this is the work that they're doing right now.
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  And so this is something that a lot of us find ourselves doing and,
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  and we don't mean to,
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  and sometimes we're not even aware of it.
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  We throw out questions that are absolutely driven by an agenda,
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  and the agenda is,
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  well,
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  you need to be playing out something more important,
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  or you need to be getting into deeper work,
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  or you need to be diving into all the stuff that your parents have talked to me about,
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  or
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  you just colored the whole time.
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  That couldn't have been that helpful.
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  That
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  has expectation
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  tied to it.
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  I have an expectation that you're going to fill in the blank.
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  And so
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  in full adherence and full fidelity,
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  we look at anything a child does.
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  If they color the whole time,
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  whole 50 minutes
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  for 6 sessions straight,
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  you are 6 sessions in
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  a child coloring for the entire 50 minutes.
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  You go,
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  wow,
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  look at the work this kid's doing.
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  Wow,
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  this kid is
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  working through stuff,
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  doing exactly what he or she needs to do.
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  This is exactly where the kid is meant to be right now.
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  We accept it
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  because that's CCPT.
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  And let's go back to
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  Landreth's quote,
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  We have expectancy,
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  not expectations.
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  We're expectant.
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  I know there's more to come.
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  I know the child's going to tackle other things.
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  I know that we're early on and right now the child needs to feel safe
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  and the child needs to feel competent and the
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  child is doing something that they can handle.
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  OK,
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  but
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  I know that that's not gonna be permanent.
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  I know that's not gonna be forever,
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  so
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  I'm expectant.
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  But I have no expectations,
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  and that's where we live,
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  y'all.
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  That's why CCPT is so hard,
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  because we embrace ambiguity.
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  We embrace the lack of control,
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  we embrace the unknown.
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  And ultimately we trust the child,
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  we trust the process,
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  and we trust that CCPT works.
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  So we just rest in that.
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  Whatever a child is doing
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  or not doing,
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  saying or not saying,
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  playing or not playing,
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  whatever is going on,
• 13:31
  they're looking at you cross-eyed with their tongue out and they're patting
• 13:33
  their head and they're rubbing their stomach for 50 minutes straight,
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  and you're like,
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  Huh,
• 13:37
  this is the strangest session I've ever been in.
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  It's right where the child is meant to be,
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  and they're doing exactly what they're meant to be doing.
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  And we unconditionally accept it because that's being CCPT.
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  So,
• 13:51
  John,
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  et al,
• 13:52
  thank you so much for the email.
• 13:53
  I hope that that was helpful.
• 13:55
  As you know,
• 13:55
  I'm so grateful to each and every one of you.
• 13:57
  Truly,
• 13:58
  y'all are the highlight of my week.
• 14:00
  You're the highlight of my
• 14:02
  career,
• 14:03
  and I'm so grateful that we hang out each week.
• 14:05
  Send me an email,
• 14:06
  say hello,
• 14:07
  ask me a question.
• 14:08
  Tell me you're gonna come to a meetup or an event.
• 14:10
  I'd love to hear from you,
• 14:11
  brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
• 14:13
  We'll talk again soon.
• 14:14
  Bye.
• 14:15
  Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 14:19
  For more episodes and resources,
• 14:21
  please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.